Loner
by Nilla79
Summary: All Human. Edward Cullen was a loner, an outcast. He clearly hated everybody, including himself. He was not a nice person. So, why was I so drawn to him? And why did I get the crazy feeling he felt the same way?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**_**: **_**WARNING: This story will deal with both child abuse and rape. If that bothers you too much, I strongly recommend that you don't read.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, I'm just borrowing them to entertain.**

***~*~***

_~prologue~_

EPOV

_I heard the door open and fought back the urge to hide under the covers. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, but I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I could feel the bed shift as he sat down, and held my breath, wondering what I had done wrong this time. Not that it really mattered, of course. He would always find a reason to punish me._

As much as I wanted to run, preferably as far away as possible, I knew it wasn't an option. Because I had no place to go. So I remained where I was, waiting for what was about to come and silently praying that just this once, it would be over quickly. I wouldn't get my hopes up, though. It was the same thing almost every night, and tonight would be no different.

I could smell the reek of alcohol, coming off him in waves, and wasn't sure whether or not to be relieved. I was only nine years old, but had long since learned the meaning of being drunk. If I was lucky, he would be too tired to do things properly. But I also knew that alcohol sometimes affected his behavior in a bad way. Years of experience had taught me never to take him for granted.

James had been married to my mother for as long as I could remember. He rarely spoke to me during the days, but at night, he kept coming into my room. I was used to it by now, still, I never really understood what I did that was so horrible that I deserved to be punished like that.

The first blow came as a total surprise and I accidentally bit my tongue. I could feel the taste of blood in my mouth, but somehow, my brain didn't register any pain. However, the fear caused my heart to start beating even faster. The fact that James had started beating me without explaining why was a bad sign; usually he made a big show of letting me know the exact reason for every single punch, so I would remember not to make the same mistake again.

I had learned the hard way that showing any sign of fear or pain would only make things worse, so I somehow managed to remain silent as he kept hitting me, only gasping for air between the punches. Finally he stopped, and I felt relief welling up inside me. It hadn't been so bad this time.

Then I heard the familiar sound of a zipper being pulled down, and the relief quickly got replaced with despair. I had been wrong; it was far from being over. It was only the beginning...

*~*~*

_~eight years later~_

BPOV

The first time I saw Edward Cullen, we literally ran into each other. Or, to be more accurate, I ran into him. I was in a hurry and didn't watch where I was going, not that I needed an excuse to be clumsy. For some reason, stumbling over my own feet just came naturally to me.

It was my second day at Forks High School, and people kept treating me like I was some kind of celebrity. The attention made me feel more than a little uncomfortable; I just wanted to blend in. But, seeing how my father was head of the police force in this small town - known to everyone as Chief Swan - my arrival was unfortunately pretty big news.

I wasn't exactly popular at my old school; to tell the truth, I only had a few people I called friends, none of them very close. But since I moved here, I noticed that people actually searched me out; wanted to hang out with me. It was all new to me, and kind of confusing, since I had never thought of myself as interesting in any way. Honestly, I had always preferred to keep to myself.

This one guy, Mike Newton, kept following me around like a puppy, which annoyed the hell out of me, although I didn't have the heart to tell him to go away. He wasn't rude or anything, but it was painfully obvious that he wanted more than just friendship. And that was not something I was ready to deal with.

I had just managed to ditch him, as nicely as I was capable of, I might add, when it happened. I was on my way to my next class and stepped around a corner when I crashed into a hard, muscular chest, knocking the air right out of me. Dropping the books I was carrying, I could do little more than just stare at the person in front of me.

The boy, if you could call him that, was absolutely stunning; his skin was pale and his eyes the most beautiful shade of green. He had high cheekbones, a strong jawline, a perfectly straight nose, and full lips that just seemed to scream 'kiss me'. His bronze colored hair was messy, and I found myself wondering what it would feel like to run my fingers through it.

Our eyes met, and time seemed to be standing still. He took a step closer, and for a second, I got the crazy idea that he was going to kiss me. In all honesty, in that moment, I would have been unable to stop him. Then his eyes narrowed dangerously and he spoke to me for the first time.

"Watch where you're going, bitch."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. My eyes widened in disbelief. Did he just call me a bitch? Blushing furiously, I shook my head, as if to clear it. "W-what?" I managed to stutter. Clearly, my mind wasn't working. Otherwise, I would have been able to come up with a snarky response. Sure, I was the one who had run into him. Still, he didn't have to be a jerk about it.

"Just get the fuck out of my way." With that, he pushed his way past me and I was left to stare after him with my mouth wide open. _Okay, what had just happened?_ This strange guy, who just happened to look like some kind of Greek god, had insulted me, twice, and then left without even giving me a chance to apologize, or ask for his phone number.

Wait, what was wrong with me? He was mean and rude, and he sure as hell didn't deserve any apology from me. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. Glancing around, I was relieved to find that I was alone in the corridor; thankfully, no one had witnessed my embarrassment.

*~*~*

EPOV

The hurt expression on her face kept haunting me as I strode through the corridor, although I did my best to ignore it, telling myself that I didn't care. People kept moving out of my way and allowing me to pass, knowing me better than to act differently. They avoided me as usual, and it suited me just fine.

Fury started welling up inside me as my encounter with the brown-haired girl with the chocolate eyes played in my mind over and over again. She had touched me, accidentally maybe, but still, I had felt her warm body pressed up against mine and it had taken just about every ounce of strength I possessed not to break down in panic.

The mere idea of someone, _anyone_, touching me made my skin crawl. Over the years, I had earned myself quite a reputation at school, which resulted in most people simply staying out of my way. I didn't have any friends, and truth be told, I didn't want any. In fact, the only one who still bothered was Alice, and I did my best to push her away.

So, why couldn't I get this new girl out of my head? Why did I feel almost bad for snapping at her? And why did I keep wondering when I would see her again? It just didn't make any sense. Suddenly, I felt a desperate need to get away. So I turned around abruptly and headed for the nearest exit, shoving people out of my way and glaring threateningly at anyone who dared to look annoyed.

Once I was out of the school building, I felt a little better. I took a couple of deep breaths, inhaling the cold air into my lungs. My hands were still shaking, so I reached into my pocket and pulled out a crumpled packet of cigarettes, relieved to find there was still a couple left.

As I lit one up and took a deep drag, I finally began to calm down. This wasn't like me at all; reacting this strongly to a girl. It made me feel confused, vulnerable, and angry. I didn't need this. I was doing just fine by myself, existing but not really living. And I had every intention of keeping it that way.

I should have asked for her fucking name.


	2. Chapter 2

BPOV

After my disastrous encounter with the guy I found myself referring to in my mind as 'Green Eyed Jerk' (I had yet to learn his real name) things just went down-hill. Forcefully slamming my locker shut, I turned around, and walked straight into Mike Newton. Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I obviously couldn't take two steps without literally bumping into other people.

Unlike 'Green Eyed Jerk', Mike's face lit up as if I had just given him a big hug or something. "Bella!" he cried out, grinning widely. "I was just looking for you. You seemed to be in a hurry to get out of class."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. Mike and I had a few classes together, and so far, he had spent most of the time watching me with a longing expression on his face, which I did my best to ignore. The truth was, his attention made me feel uncomfortable. I barely knew the guy for crying out loud.

I opened my mouth, although I had no idea what to say, when I felt someone tapping my shoulder. "There you are, Bella." Turning around, I recognized the two girls in front of me; Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory. Jessica batted her eyelashes at Mike before turning her attention back to me. "It's time for lunch. You'll sit with us, right?" Lauren's bored expression told me that she couldn't care less. I frowned at her, wondering what her problem was.

"Um..." I hesitated, searching my mind for a way to turn Jess down without sounding like an ungrateful bitch. To tell the truth, she had been nothing but nice to me so far. And yet, there was something about her that just rubbed me the wrong way, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was just me, being weird as usual. I always seemed to have a hard time connecting with other people.

"Actually, I'm on my way to the library," I lied, blurting out the first thing that came to me. "I need to pick up a book for one of my classes. But I might join you when I'm done." Of course, I had no intention of doing so, but she didn't need to know that.

Luckily, Jess seemed to accept my excuse. Instead she gave Mike a hopeful look. "What about you, Mike? Are you coming?"

He glanced at me, clearly disappointed that I wouldn't be joining them, and I gave him a smile I hoped would be encouraging. "Go ahead. I'll see you guys later." Finally taking the hint, he nodded, although somewhat reluctantly. Jess on the other hand was beaming, and I got the feeling she wouldn't miss me too much.

As I watched them leave, I let out the breath I had been holding. I just didn't have anything in common with these people. Still, on some level, I wanted them to like me. Sighing, I contemplated my options. I supposed I _could_ go to the library and hang out there until it was time to go to my next class, but the idea didn't seem too appealing.

That was when I heard a voice behind me; "Uh-oh! Ditching the cool kids? You're in trouble now."

I spun around. In front of me was a short, very pretty girl with spiky, dark hair. My eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Excuse me?"

She rolled her eyes and gave me a friendly smile. "Relax, I'm kidding. Bella, right? I'm Alice Cullen." Walking straight up to me, she reached out her hand in greeting.

Shaking her hand somewhat warily, I forced a smile as well. "Nice to meet you."

"Sure." She watched me closely. "So, you like it here so far?"

"I guess. Sure." I shrugged, not sure what she wanted to hear.

Alice raised a brow in question. "You don't really need to go to the library, do you?"

Blushing, I hesitated for a moment before I answered; "Not really, no."

Her smile widened. "Good. Then come with me. I'll introduce you to some people who can think for themselves and are fully capable of having an actual conversation."

"Um, okay." For some reason, I liked this girl already. Strange, because we clearly couldn't be more different. She was pretty and outspoken. I was plain and withdrawn. At least, that was what I used to think.

Practically bouncing up and down, she linked our arms together and started pulling me towards the cafeteria. "Yay! You have to meet my boyfriend. And my brothers. Oh, Bella, I just know we're gonna be the best of friends!" I found myself following her without objections, not that she gave me much choice.

As we entered the school cafeteria, Alice's eyes darted back and forth for a second before she let out a squeal. A moment later, she had dragged me across the room until we reached a small table with three stunningly beautiful people, two guys and a girl, who were all staring at me curiously. My eyes widened in disbelief. How could Alice possibly think I could ever fit in with them?

"Hey, guys! This is my new friend, Bella Swan. Bella, this is my boyfriend, Jasper Whitlock." One of the guys; he had honey blond hair and looked like a male model, nodded in greeting. I was too astonished to respond. Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Alice went on, "And this is my older brother, Emmett, and his girlfriend, Rosalie Hale."

I swallowed, hard. "Um, hi?" Great! Could I sound more like a loser?

"You're Chief Swan's daughter, right?" The girl; Rosalie, gave me the look-over, obviously not too impressed, and I simply nodded, feeling like something the cat had just dragged in. Emmett on the other hand gave me a big, goofy grin. Jasper remained silent, but his eyes were kind, friendly even. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to relax, and sat down on the empty chair next to Alice.

"You guys seen Edward today?" Alice bit her lip, suddenly appearing to be a little uncomfortable. Surprised by her sudden mood swing, I couldn't help but wonder what that was about. It was obviously a touchy subject, because she was met with total silence, the tension around the table suddenly so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Frowning, I gave her a look of confusion. "Who's Edward?"

Alice looked a little taken aback, but recovered quickly. "Oh, Edward's my other brother. He goes to school here as well."

Before I got the chance to ask anything else, I was interrupted by Emmett. "Edward's not really our brother. He's adopted."

"Oh?" I really had no idea how to respond to that.

Giving Emmett a warning look, Alice then turned back to me, sounding almost apologetic, "Emmett and Edward don't get along."

Emmett let out a snort. "Edward doesn't get along with anyone." I noticed how Alice glared at him, causing him to lower his eyes. "Well, it's true," he mumbled.

An awkward silence followed, and I suddenly felt like an intruder, imposing on a private moment. I briefly considered offering to leave, before remembering that it was in fact Alice who had invited me over. If she wanted me to leave them alone, surely she would tell me so. Still, I kept my eyes on my hands, folded neatly in my lap.

Finally Alice spoke up again, this time directly to me, and I could hear sadness in her voice. "There's one thing you have to understand, Bella. Edward has..." she hesitated, "some personal issues. But he's not a bad person, not really. Most people just don't know him like I do."

I found myself nodding in understanding. "Oh, I'm sure that's true," I quickly assured her, not knowing what else to say. It must have been the right thing, though, because the relief was evident on Alice's face. Smiling gratefully at me, she then changed the subject and started talking about the latest fashion, all thoughts about her brother seemingly forgotten.

To my surprise, I found myself actually enjoying the company of these people, even if Rosalie still made me a little nervous. Before I knew it, it was time to go to my next class, which happened to be Biology. Rushing into the classroom, I just barely managed to make it in time.

Yesterday, I had been sitting alone, the seat next to mine empty. That was just fine by me, I didn't need a lab partner. But today, someone was already sitting there. My eyes widened in surprise when I immediately recognized the bronze-haired boy I had accidentally ran into earlier, AKA 'Green Eyed Jerk'. Great!

Resisting the urge to just turn around and leave the classroom, I reluctantly made my way over to him, very slowly so I wouldn't trip over something and make an even bigger fool of myself. Finally I reached the table, thankfully without causing an accident of some kind, and slipped into the empty seat with a sigh.

I glanced at him after a brief moment's hesitation, and found him staring back at me, his face a mixture of uncertainty and recognition. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but stopped himself as a large shadow fell over our table. Looking up in confusion, my eyes landed on a guy I vaguely recognized as Tyler Crowley. I gave him a questioning look.

"Come on, Bella, you don't have to sit here." Tyler gave me a friendly smile as he went on, "There are a few empty seats in the front row. Just come with me and I'll show you."

Although I have to admit that a part of me was tempted to take him up on his offer, confusion welled up inside me, making me hesitate. Why would it matter to Tyler where I sat? I had seen when I entered the classroom that he already had a partner. Trying my best to smile, it came out a bit strained. "Thanks, but I'm fine right here." Was I really, though? I honestly didn't know.

Tyler looked almost shocked, as if he had expected me to jump up and follow him without hesitation. He quickly covered up, though, leaning closer to me and lowering his voice, like he was talking to a small child, "Bella, seriously, why would you wanna sit with this freak?" He gestured towards the boy next to me with his thumb.

My eyes narrowed, and I found myself once again glancing at the absolutely perfectly sculptured creature (who was I kidding, he was no more a boy than I was the queen of England) with eyes more beautiful than emeralds. Sure, my first impression of him hadn't been the best, but surely calling him a 'freak' was a little too harsh.

It merely lasted for a second, but I didn't miss the hurt expression on his face, and I felt like my heart was about to stop. Taking a deep breath, I turned back to Tyler, not bothering to smile at him this time. "Like I said; I'm fine here." Crossing my arms over my chest, I hoped he would take the hint and leave. To my great relief, he did.

As the teacher started talking, not that I was paying much attention at the moment, I hesitated a little before turning to my new lab partner and softly clearing my throat. _Might as well get it over with,_ I thought, waiting for him to look at me before I spoke up, quietly, "Hi, I'm Bella. Bella Swan."

He remained silent, just watching me with an unreadable look on his face, and I started to feel like an idiot for even trying. Then he finally spoke, his voice surprisingly smooth this time, like velvet, "Edward Cullen."

Letting out the breath I had been holding, I was about to reach out my hand in greeting, but something made me decide against it. Then it hit me, and I quickly put two and two together. Edward Cullen? This had to be Alice's brother.

"Um..." I searched my mind, suddenly desperate to hear his voice again. _Okay, what the hell was that about?_ The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken, "I'm sorry about before. Running into you, I mean." Wait a minute, was I actually apologizing to him? But the look on his face when Tyler had called him a freak...

He looked surprised for a moment, and I noticed how his eyes darkened. Finally he muttered, "Whatever. Just don't let it happen again."

_Excuse me?_

Any sympathy I may have felt for him quickly got replaced by anger. I glared at him. "It was an accident, and I said I was sorry. You weren't exactly nice to me, either."

Edward just stared at me, then let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, well, I'm not a nice person, Bella. You'd do well by remembering that." Then he turned away from me and started scribbling furiously in his notebook. He didn't speak to me again, and the second the teacher announced that class was dismissed, he was already out of his chair and halfway towards the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** A lot of people have added this story to favorites, or story alert. Still, I haven't gotten many comments. I'd like to know what you think, so please take a moment to review.

*~ * ~*

EPOV

I entered the house as quietly as possible, not wanting to draw any attention to myself. I was in a bad mood, and if Esme was around, she would most likely start asking questions. She had always been able to read my emotions like a book, and I really wasn't looking forward to hear that concerned note in her voice, _'What's wrong, Edward? Is something bothering you? You know I'm here for you if there's anything you want to talk about...'_

Fucking bullshit.

In fairness to Esme, she was just trying to be nice. Supportive. Because that's the kind of person she was; caring and helpful, always thinking of others. Ever since I first came to stay with her and her husband, Carlisle, about six years ago, she had done her best to make me feel like a part of the family.

As if I needed any of that.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful; I do appreciate what the Cullen's have done for me. Not everyone would take pity on a damaged eleven-year-old, welcoming him into their home and making an effort to treat him like he mattered. Like I was just any other, normal kid. Except that I wasn't, and we all knew it.

Just like we all knew that I would never truly be one of them. They could feed me, dress me up to their liking, and pay for my studies. But I would always be an outcast.

Hurrying up the stairs, I was relieved when I made it to my room without running into anyone. It seemed like I had the house all to myself for the moment. Casting a look at my watch, I suspected that Carlisle and Esme were still at work. Alice was probably out shopping or something; she used to spend more time at the mall than at home. And Emmett, well, I didn't really give a damn what he was doing.

I slumped down on my bed, rummaging through my school bag until I found my iPod. Usually the music helped me keep any unwelcome thoughts away, but not today. Instead my mind started wandering, and, much to my frustration, I kept seeing images of the new girl, Bella, flashing through my head. _Wait, why the fuck did I even bother to remember her name?_

Thinking back on our brief conversation in Biology earlier today, if you could even call it a conversation, I realized I had probably pissed her off. Good. That should teach her to stay the hell away from me. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, but a part of me felt a little bad for not being able to just accept her apology like a normal person. _And we were back to that again. I. Was. Not. Normal._

My therapist liked to go on about the danger of me refusing to let other people into my life. And I would nod and pretend to listen, when in reality, I couldn't care less about her fucking opinion. I hated her with a passion, but I still went to my sessions every week, like a good boy. I didn't want to give Carlisle and Esme any reason to send me away. _Who knew where I would end up then?_

Carlisle and Esme never asked me about my therapy sessions with Dr. Clearwater (she kept insisting I'd call her Sue, and I kept refusing, not wanting her to think we were buddies or anything), and for that, I was grateful. If they knew I rarely said a word during those sessions, they would probably be deeply disappointed, seeing how they were the ones who paid for the whole thing.

I wished I could just tell them to knock it off, explain that I didn't need to dwell on my fucked up past. It wasn't like talking about it would change what happened. I was already broken beyond repair; seeing a therapist once a week wouldn't magically make me better. But they seemed to think that was the case, and over the years, I had come to realize it was easier to just go along with it. At least that would keep them off my back.

There was a brief knock before the door suddenly swung open, causing me to jump, and I glared at Alice who stepped into my room without waiting for an invitation, not like she ever did. "Get out," I grumbled. Of course, she would ignore my hostility; she was one of the few people who had never been the least bit intimidated by my temper.

I sighed when she bounced over to the bed and sat down. "What the fuck do you want? I'm busy."

"Hello to you, too, brother dear." Alice smiled, widely. "What are you doing?"

I stared at her in bewilderment. "Why?"

She studied me, closely. "You don't look very busy to me."

Silently counting to five, I took a deep breath, determined not to let Alice get to me. Why couldn't she just leave me alone? I supposed she believed that, somewhere deep down, I actually appreciated her company. She continued, not waiting for me to respond, because we both knew I was lying. I wasn't busy; I just wanted her to go away. "Did you see the new girl, Bella Swan?"

I let out a groan, just barely able to keep from slamming my iPod into the wall. Not Bella again! I had just managed to get that damn bitch out of my head, why, _why_ did Alice have to bring her up? I didn't want to be reminded of Bella fucking Swan; just thinking about her stirred up all these feelings inside me, feelings that I didn't understand.

It scared the hell out of me.

What scared me the most was the fact that, deep inside, a part of me actually _wanted_ to see Bella again. I didn't understand why, but I was curious about her. And that was dangerous, for so many reasons. I needed to keep people away from me, at a safe distance, so they wouldn't find out the truth about me.

I was screwed up. Unlovable. Worthless. Even my own mother had told me so, that night six years ago, when the police finally came and took James away. She had tried pleading with them, telling them it was all my fault; that James hadn't done anything to me that I didn't deserve. I knew she was right, having heard those words countless times over the years. But James ended up in a jail cell, and I was taken from the only place I had known as home.

"Edward? Hello?" Alice's voice snapped me out of my memories, and I gave her a startled look, instinctively flinching back as she waved her hand in front of my face to catch my attention. Looking slightly alarmed, she immediately held up her hands in a non-threatening gesture. "What's wrong?"

Jumping up from the bed, I quickly moved across the room, desperate to put some distance between us. Alice knew better than attempting to touch me, but I needed some space, suddenly feeling like the walls were closing in on me. "Nothing's wrong," I muttered, struggling to get my breathing under control.

Alice didn't look convinced, but clearly decided to let the matter drop. I was relieved when she changed the subject, until I realized she was back to talking about Bella again, "So, the new girl, Bella? She sat with us at lunch today. I like her a lot, she's really sweet."

I could feel a headache coming up, and gave her a warning look. "Alice..."

She cut me off, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Why?" I was too tired to argue with her; if I'd just humor her, she might get bored and go find someone else to annoy.

One could only hope.

Alice bit her lip, suddenly not meeting my eyes. "Well, it's Friday. Jasper and Emmett are going out. I know they would love for you to join them."

I let out a snort, not sure whether to laugh or tell her to fuck off. Jasper tolerated me, as long as Alice was around. Emmett wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. If I got wiped off the face of the planet tomorrow, he would be the first to celebrate. Of course, the feelings were very much mutual.

Finally looking up, Alice rolled her eyes at my skeptical expression. "You know, Jasper would like to be your friend, if you'd just let him."

If I had a dollar for every time we'd had this conversation, I'd be a fucking millionaire. "I don't want any friends."

She opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment, she looked exasperated. Then she shook her head, as if to clear it. "The reason I brought it up is because Rose and Bella are coming over tomorrow night. We're having a girl's night; a sleep-over. I just thought..." She shrugged, leaving the rest of the sentence hanging.

It all made sense to me now. Her friends were coming over; of course she wanted me out of the house. I felt anger well up inside me. "If you want me to stay away tomorrow night, why don't you just fucking say so? You don't have to pretend that your precious boyfriend actually wants anything to do with me."

Alice looked surprised, and a little hurt. "Don't be ridiculous! It was just a thought, of course you can stay here if you want to."

"Damn right, I can. And I fucking intend to." I glared at her, making it perfectly clear that I couldn't be persuaded to do anything against my will. That was when her words started to sink in. "Wait. Bella's coming _here_? Tomorrow night?"

"Uh-huh." Alice nodded.

_Fucking great!_

*~*~*

When I arrived at school the next day, I had it all figured out. I would stay as far away from Bella Swan as possible. If I saw her in the corridor, I would turn around and walk the other way. Unfortunately, I would have to sit next to her in Biology, but surely I could just ignore her. That was my plan, and I fully intended to stick to it.

As usual, Alice tried to talk me into joining her and her friends for lunch, but I always refused to enter the school cafeteria. It was too crowded, not to mention the fact that I'd rather starve to death than have to socialize with other people. Instead I decided to go out for a smoke.

That was when I saw her, talking to Tyler Crowley. Rolling my eyes, I was just about to turn in the other direction, when I noticed how they seemed to be arguing about something. Bella looked upset, and all of the sudden, I was dying to find out what was going on. Not that I cared about her feelings or anything, I was just being curious. At least, that was what I tried telling myself.

I discreetly moved towards them, feeling like a stalker as I was half hiding behind a large concrete pillar. My eyes narrowed, suspiciously. Why the hell did Tyler have to stand so fucking close to her? Since they were both facing away from me, I could get close enough to hear what they were saying.

"I mean it, Tyler. I told you; I'm not going to the stupid prom." Bella stubbornly folded her arms over her chest, and I half expected her to stomp her foot like a kid.

Tyler raised his voice, obviously frustrated, "What, my company's not good enough for you?" He clearly wasn't about to give up that easily, and I didn't have to see Bella's face to know that he was making her feel uncomfortable. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to just walk up to him and punch him in the face.

Again, not that I cared about Bella. Because I didn't.

Really.

After that, everything happened very fast. I could see Bella throw her arms up in frustration, and she tried to simply step past Tyler, having obviously had enough. But he grabbed her arm to stop her, causing her to wince in pain. And something in me just snapped.

Stepping out of my hiding place, I started towards them with one single thought in mind; that asshole had just hurt her, and I was going to rip his fucking head off. But then I froze in my tracks, my eyes widening in disbelief.

Tyler cried out and dropped to his knees, as Bella had just kicked him, hard, right in the balls. For a moment, time seemed to be standing still.

Then she spun around, and finally spotted me. Our eyes met, and the look on her face was absolutely priceless. She threw a glance over her shoulder at Tyler, still on the ground, and then turned back to me, looking completely horrified. I couldn't help myself; the situation was just too ridiculous. So I started laughing.

However, I stopped abruptly when I saw tears welling up in her eyes. Her bottom lip started trembling, and before I knew it, she just turned and ran, leaving me to stare after her and wonder what the fucking hell just happened.

I suddenly felt like a dick.


	4. Chapter 4

BPOV

My third day at Forks High started out even worse than the day before. You'd think that wouldn't be possible, but then again, it's me we're talking about. My beloved truck decided to betray me and break down half way to school, and I really wasn't looking forward to walking the rest of the way in pouring rain.

For a moment, I considered calling my dad and asking him to come pick me up. Then I decided that stepping out of Charlie's police car in front of the whole school would be even more humiliating than showing up looking like I'd fallen into the river, so I reluctantly pulled my hood over my head, left the car and stepped out into the rain, wishing I'd remembered to bring my umbrella.

I had just started walking, when a dark blue van drove past me, slowed down, and pulled over to the side of the road. "Bella?" Tyler Crowley was hanging out the window, looking like he had just won the grand prize at the carnival. "You shouldn't be out walking in this weather; jump in before you'll catch a cold."

"Um, sure, thanks." I fumbled with the door to the passenger seat and slipped inside, grateful to have some roof over my head.

"Here, let me help you." Tyler leaned over me, putting one hand on my thigh to support himself as he struggled to fasten my seat belt. Seeing the look on my face, he gave me a sheepish smile. "It sometimes gets stuck," he explained in an innocent voice, and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.

_Yeah, right!_

I was relieved when he drove into the school parking lot a few minutes later. Mumbling another 'thank you', I hurried to get out of Tyler's car before he would offer to 'help me' with my seat belt again, and accidentally stepped into a mud puddle the size of the Pacific Ocean.

_This day was just getting better and better..._

At least it was Friday. Alice had invited me over to spend the night at her house, along with Rosalie, and while I was looking forward to it, a part of me was a little nervous. I wasn't really used to hanging out with other people after school, and had basically never been to a slumber party in my entire life, so I had no idea what to expect.

The fact that Alice had used words like 'manicure', 'pedicure', and 'makeover' didn't exactly make me feel less apprehensive about the whole thing.

And then there was Edward. Alice hadn't mentioned anything about him being home or not tonight, and it wasn't like I could actually ask her. She had told me that her brother had 'issues', and I found myself wondering if that was just her way of saying he was a jerk. Still, a little voice in my head kept whispering that I shouldn't be so quick to judge people.

Not that I usually listened to gossip, but when it came to Edward, it was impossible _not_ to notice how people were talking about him. I had merely been in Forks for a few days, and I had already heard enough rumors to last a lifetime. And they all seemed to be saying the same thing.

Edward Cullen was a loner, an outcast. He clearly hated everybody, including himself. He was not a nice person. So, why was I so drawn to him? And why did I get the crazy feeling he felt the same way? There was something about the way he had looked at me when I introduced myself in Biology class. For a moment there, I had been certain that we would actually be able to have a civil conversation.

Then I had apologized for walking into him, and he had gone back to being rude. And when I had pointed it out, he actually agreed with me; telling me he was not a nice person, like he was trying to warn me to stay away from him. It made absolutely no sense to me, and I decided that trying to figure Edward out would only give me a headache.

I was supposed to meet up with Alice before lunch, but I got out of class early and decided to step out for some air. That was when I heard footsteps behind me, and a voice calling out my name. "Bella! There you are; I've been looking for you."

I immediately recognized the voice, and held back a sigh as I turned around to face Tyler. "What's up?" I asked, somewhat suspiciously. Then my eyes widened in horror as he held up a small, plastic object, and I had to restrain myself to keep from ripping it out of his hand.

"You dropped this in my car," he explained as I quickly grabbed the little white bottle of pills from him and shoved it down into my pocket. Although I refused to look at him, I could feel his curious eyes on me. "Painkillers, huh? By the look of it, they're pretty strong, too. What, you get migraines or something?"

I nodded, still not meeting his eyes. "Yeah, that's right. I get migraines. Look, Tyler, I appreciate you giving me a ride this morning, it was really nice of you. I gotta go now, see you later." I started to turn around, desperate to get away before he would start asking more questions.

"Wait!" He quickly jumped in front of me, keeping me from leaving. "I was just wondering something." He must have taken my silence as a sign to go on. "We seem to be getting along really well, and I just wanted to ask you if you'd like to go to the prom with me?"

_What?!_

So, now it was official; the gods hated me. Ugh!

It took a moment before I realized that I was just staring at him, and managed to snap out of the shock. "Um..." I swallowed, hard, forcing my mouth to form the words when I just wanted to run. "I'm sorry; it was nice of you to ask, but I'm not going."

I don't know why I had expected Tyler to just take my 'no' for what it was and leave it at that. Instead he took a step closer, looking deep into my eyes. "Come on, Bella, we'll have a great time. Don't be shy, I know you wanna go."

Okay, now I was getting angry. What did it take for him to just take the damn hint and leave me alone? I clenched my teeth, forcing myself to keep my voice calm. "No, actually, I _don't_ want to go. I mean it, Tyler. I told you; I'm not going to the stupid prom." I gave him a hard look and folded my arms across my chest.

He raised his voice, "What, my company's not good enough for you?" It was obvious that he was getting frustrated by my rejection.

That made two of us.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, deciding not to waste any more time arguing with him. So I tried to walk past him, and that was when he grabbed me, causing blinding pain to shoot through my arm. I gasped, desperately fighting back the tears as I was instantly taken back to the day it happened.

_'Bella? Oh, God, Bella, I'm so sorry! __Are you okay? I didn't mean-'___

_I cradled my broken arm against my chest, sobbing hysterically, although I barely felt any pain at the moment. 'Don't touch me, Phil! Let me go to my mom!' He held on to me, and I struggled to break free. 'Mom! Mom!'_

A cry of pain brought me back to reality, and I found myself looking down at Tyler Crowley's huddled form on the ground. As my brain slowly started to take in what had just happened, I heard a noise behind me and spun around.

Edward Cullen was standing a few feet away, a stunned expression on his face, and I realized he had probably witnessed the whole thing. Feeling like my head was spinning, I cast a glance at Tyler, who had yet to recover. Then I turned back to Edward, my eyes widening in horror. What had I done?

For a moment, we just stared at each other. He seemed to be just as speechless as I was. Then, he started laughing.

_He was laughing at me._

Humiliation and shame welled up inside me. No longer able to keep the tears from falling, I turned around abruptly, and fled from the scene. Alice completely forgotten, I never made it to the cafeteria. Instead I locked myself into the girl's bathroom and spent the rest of the hour sobbing quietly into crumpled paper towels.

_God, I was pathetic._

I seriously considered ditching Biology so I wouldn't have to face Edward again so soon, but reluctantly decided against it, knowing that Charlie would have a fit if he found out I was cutting classes. Sometimes, being the Chief's daughter really sucked.

When I entered the classroom, Edward was already sitting behind our table in the back, and I tensed up for a moment. Then I took a deep breath and strode across the room, almost stumbling on a chair, but, thankfully, managed to keep my balance.

I noticed that Tyler wasn't there. At least that was one less thing to worry about.

Slipping into my seat, I immediately felt Edward's eyes on me. However, he didn't say anything, and I let out a sigh of relief when Mr. Banner entered the room a moment later. But Edward kept staring at me, which made me feel more than a little self-conscious, so I let my hair fall over my shoulder like a curtain, as if hiding my face would make me invisible to him.

He never spoke a word to me, though, and when the bell finally rang almost an hour later, he was out of his seat just as fast as the day before. It was when I slowly started gathering my books that I spotted the folded piece of paper on the table next to me. I hesitated a little before picking it up.

The message was short; only two words, but very clear. _'I'm sorry.'_ I stared at the words; to say that I was surprised would be a huge understatement, and looked up, almost expecting to see Edward over by the door. But, of course, the doorway was empty and he was nowhere to be seen.

It was no longer raining, so I didn't mind walking home from school. Alice had offered to give me a ride, but I had politely declined, insisting that I could use some fresh air. She had questioned me about my absence at lunch, and I lied and told her I had to go to the school nurse's office since I'd gotten a really bad headache, but assured her that it was all better now.

When I got home, I decided to start making dinner for Charlie, since I would most likely already have left by the time he would be back. If I had been nervous about running into Edward at the Cullen's house before, I was even more anxious now. But at the same time, a part of me couldn't help but hope that he would be home.

Which I realized didn't make any sense at all.

I pulled the note out of my pocket and read it again. It still said the same thing. Edward Cullen had actually apologized to me. Not out loud, of course, but still. It made me wonder if maybe he wasn't such a bad person after all. Was it possible that his cold and hostile behavior could just be a way to keep people away from him? For a moment, I didn't know what to think.

I'd be lying if I told myself that I wasn't attracted to him. He was absolutely gorgeous, and I knew I could just lose myself in those green eyes, should I dare to hold his gaze for more than a few seconds. There was something dark and mysterious about him, and all of the sudden, I felt an almost desperate need to find out everything about him.

Remembering Emmett's words about Edward being adopted, I found myself wondering what had happened to his real parents. I figured I could always ask Alice, but for some reason, it didn't seem right to go behind Edward's back like that. I supposed my only other option would be to ask him myself.

Right. Like that would ever happen. I wasn't a complete idiot, after all.

Deciding to push all thoughts about Edward Cullen to the back of my mind, I tried to force myself to concentrate on Charlie's dinner. While I was slicing tomatoes for the salad, I couldn't help but wonder if Edward would like my cooking.

_Dinner, Bella. Focus!_

When I had finished preparing the food, I went up to my room to pack my overnight bag. It didn't take long, since I was only bringing my tooth brush, my pajamas, my hair brush, and some clean clothes to wear the next day. About five minutes later, I was all packed and ready to go.

Rosalie had promised to come pick me up, since I hadn't had the opportunity to get my car fixed. I had to admit that I still felt a bit intimidated by her, and prayed that the ride over to the Cullen's house would be over quickly. What if we wouldn't have anything to talk about? Seeing how Rosalie and I couldn't possibly have much in common, I found that scenario most likely.

Why had I agreed to this again?

But Alice was the one who had invited me; in fact, she had practically begged me to come, and I had to admit that I felt more than a little flattered that she so obviously wanted to be my friend. She was without doubt the nicest person I had met here in Forks so far.

Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe I would actually have a great time tonight.

A car suddenly honked down on the street, causing me to jump. I rushed over to the window and peeked outside, immediately recognizing Rosalie's red BMW M3 convertible. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my bag and headed for the stairs. There was no turning back now.

I was going to the Cullen's.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

EPOV

So, Bella had run off crying. It shouldn't bother me. Whatever her problem was, I couldn't care less. So what if I was the reason behind those fucking tears? I didn't care. Because...

Because I was a cold-hearted douche bag, who didn't give a fuck about other people's feelings. Right?

Right!

So why did I feel guilty? Why did I feel like I needed to go find Bella and apologize? Not that I would, though. She'd get over it. Besides, it wasn't like I had hurt her feelings on purpose. How the hell was I supposed to know that she would be so fucking sensitive?

In all honesty, I knew I couldn't really blame her. As if having to deal with that asshole, Tyler Crowley, wouldn't be bad enough. She must've thought I was making fun of her, which couldn't be farther away from the truth. But that was just me; screwing things up as usual.

Good thing Bella beat the crap out of him. I still wanted to kick Tyler's ass for grabbing her like that. To tell the truth, I didn't know which upset me the most; the fact that he had hurt her, or that he'd had the nerve to ask her to the fucking prom. Didn't the bastard realize that she was way too good for the likes of him?

Wait. I was supposed to stay away from Bella Swan. I shouldn't even be thinking about her. So, why did I keep seeing images of her perfect, pale face, her sad, tear-filled eyes?

_Why did I keep feeling like an ass?_

As I slowly walked through the long corridors, heading for my next class, I made my decision. I was going to tell Bella I was sorry for laughing at her. I would explain to her it was all just a big misunderstanding; if she then couldn't find it in her heart to forgive me, that was her problem. At least I would feel better about myself for trying. And then I would be able to forget her, and move on with my life.

My life... What a joke! I was seventeen years old, and already dead inside.

I slipped into the classroom and quickly made my way over to my seat in the back, not making eye contact with anyone. People were always whispering about me behind my back, but they rarely had the guts to say anything to my face. It made me both angry and relieved at the same time.

Although I pretended to be oblivious most of the time, I was well aware of the rumors going around at school. Some were saying I was into drugs, others insisted I had a criminal record. And everyone seemed to agree that I was a freak, not worth getting to know, which suited me perfectly.

Of course, every once in a while, the fucking gossip became too much, and I simply snapped. Usually I managed to bottle it up until I got home and was alone in my room, where I could take my anger and frustration out on the furniture, or whatever was available.

On rare occasions, I had ended up punching some poor fucker's lights out, since once I had started pounding on someone, I kept going until I was certain they wouldn't be able to strike back. I had no problem with physical contact, as long as _I_ was the one in control.

Bella was nowhere to be seen, and I wondered if she would even show up. Maybe she would be too embarrassed, and simply ditch class. A part of me wished that was the case; that she would just stay away. Then I wouldn't have to talk to her. At the same time, the idea of _not_ seeing her made me feel a pang in my chest.

What the hell _was_ it about this girl that made me react this way?

All of the sudden, there she was, standing in the doorway, and our eyes met. Then she quickly looked away, but I didn't miss how her cheeks turned bright red. For a moment, I almost thought she would turn around and bolt. But she remained where she was, and then she finally started towards me, almost tripping over her feet.

I held my breath until she sat down next to me, keeping her eyes on the table in front of her. That was when I decided it was time to say something, before the teacher would arrive and start the class. Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. She had yet to turn her face in my direction, and I kept watching her in silence, willing her to raise her head.

But Bella stubbornly avoided looking at me. For some reason, her obvious reluctance to meet my eyes made me more bold, and I found myself unable to take my eyes away from her. _'Just talk to her, you idiot!'_ an annoying little voice screamed inside my head. But the words just wouldn't come.

When Mr. Banner arrived a couple of minutes later and announced that class was about to begin, I almost growled in frustration. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I really so fucked up that I couldn't even open my mouth and say a few words to the girl sitting next to me, when I for once actually _wanted_ to speak to someone?

Obviously, I was.

Before I knew it, almost twenty minutes had passed, and I still hadn't managed to tell Bella I was sorry for how I had acted earlier. And what I found even more disturbing was the fact that I had kept staring at her the whole time, without even being aware of what I was doing.

_Way to go, asshole! You're supposed to apologize to her, not making her feel even more awkward than you already have._

Finally, in my desperation, I tore off a page from my notebook and quickly scribbled down the words _'I'm sorry.'_, folded the paper and slid it across the table towards her. Then I squeezed my eyes shut, silently cursing my stupidity. Apologizing through a fucking note? What was I, twelve?

No, just really, really screwed up. Big surprise!

It felt like an eternity had passed before I finally dared to throw a glance in Bella's direction. She was still sitting in the exact same position, facing away from me. My pathetic little note was still lying there next to her books, untouched; either she had completely missed it, or she had simply chosen to ignore it.

So much for trying.

When the bell rang, I immediately jumped up and grabbed my books, eager to get away. It was settled; I just wasn't capable of interacting with other people. Deep down, I couldn't help but wonder why I had even bothered in the first place.

BPOV

"Hi, Bella! I'm so glad you're here. We're gonna have so much fun tonight!" Alice was standing in the doorway, greeting me with a huge smile on her face.

I returned her smile, feeling slightly overwhelmed. "Hi, Alice. Thanks for inviting me." Rosalie stepped past me into the house, and I followed her after a brief moment's hesitation. Alice closed the door behind us, and I looked around with wide eyes. "Wow!"

Rosalie laughed at my reaction. "Pretty fancy, huh?"

"That's... one way to put it," I gasped. The house was not like anything I'd ever seen before. Or maybe 'mansion' would be more accurate. It was huge, and some of the walls were actually made of glass. It was incredible.

"So..." Rosalie gave Alice an expectant look. "What do you say we give Bella the tour before getting started?" Alice nodded, eagerly.

I looked between the two, feeling a little stupid. "Um, getting started with what, exactly?"

"Oh, we have so much work to do!" Alice bounced up and down. "You decide, Bella. What do you wanna do first, the hair or the make-up?"

Swallowing, I ran my fingers nervously through my long hair. "Wait a minute. I don't think-"

"Relax, Bella," Rosalie snickered. "We do this every week. Alice usually starts with me, and then I do her. Hair, make-up, clothes; the whole thing. Then we stuff ourselves with ice-cream and popcorn, and watch movies on the big screen until we drop."

I giggled. "You're kidding, right?" They both looked at me with dead serious expressions, and my face fell. "You're serious?" I held back a sigh. This would be a long night.

About an hour later, I was sitting in Alice's room, wearing a purple, fluffy bathrobe over my pajamas. My toe nails had been painted pink, and my hair fell into big, soft curls over my shoulders. Alice was currently working on my face, eying me thoughtfully before deciding on a light brown eyeshadow.

I felt ridiculous.

Rosalie was standing in front of Alice's full-size mirror, watching her reflection with a critical expression on her face. "What do you think of my boobs in this dress? Too big?" She frowned. "Or not big enough?"

She glanced at me, and I blushed. Was she actually expecting me to answer that? "I... I, uh..." I stuttered, looking at Alice for help.

Unlike me, Alice didn't appear to be the least bit uncomfortable with the subject. She threw a brief look at Rosalie before turning her attention back to my eyes. "Hmm. Try on the other bra." Rosalie grunted, but obeyed.

Was this the kind of things girls normally did when they got together?

The moment Alice declared that my eyes were finished, I jumped up from the bed before she got the chance to object. "I'll go make the popcorn." Then a thought occurred to me. "Hey, Alice, do you have any chocolate chip cookies?"

She thought for a moment, before shaking her head, apologetically. "Afraid not. Sorry."

I struggled to keep the grin off my face. Perfect! "That's okay. I'll just go make some. I love to bake, and it won't take long." Alice frowned, and I gave her a sheepish smile as I hurried to add, "If you don't mind me using the kitchen?"

Alice waved her hand in dismissal. "No, of course not. Help yourself."

I let out a sigh of relief as I left the room and headed for the stairs. When I had finished baking the cookies, Alice and Rosalie would hopefully be ready to watch a movie instead of continuing with this torture I had been forced to endure over the last hour.

As I started descending the stairs, I could suddenly hear voices below me, causing me to freeze in my tracks. The last thing I wanted to do was eavesdropping on a private conversation, and I suppose I should have just turned around and gone back to Alice's room. But for some reason, I found myself unable to walk away.

The voices grew louder, and I could hear a man and a woman arguing. "That's not the point, Carlisle. Lately you've been spending more time at the hospital than with your own family. We need you here at home."

"Don't make this about me, Esme." The man sounded annoyed. "We both know what this is really about. You need to face the truth; the therapy isn't helping."

I realized it had to be Alice's parents. As much as I felt bad about standing here listening like this, I just couldn't help myself. _What were they talking about?_

"Quitting therapy isn't the answer. He needs help, Carlisle. It's been six years, and he still..."

Okay, enough was enough. They were still talking, but I had stopped listening. I had no idea what was going on, but it was obviously none of my business. Hesitating for a moment, I considered simply forgetting about the cookies and head back upstairs. That was when a blond, extremely handsome man appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

He spotted me immediately. "Hello. You must be Bella. My name is Carlisle, and I'm Alice's father. It's a pleasure to meet you."

I stared at him in disbelief; surely he couldn't be more than thirty years old, thirty five at the most. He definitely didn't look old enough to have teenage children. However, I quickly covered up my surprise, and tried to smile. "Hi. Thanks for letting me spend the night. You have a beautiful home."

"Thank you." He smiled at me. "My wife's done most of the work; she loves restoring old houses." He glanced over his shoulder before clearing his throat. "You'll have to excuse me, but I have to go. Again, it was very nice to meet you, Bella. You girls have fun tonight." I just nodded. A moment later, I heard the sound of the front door closing.

I slowly made my way down the rest of the stairs. A beautiful woman with caramel-colored hair, who had to be Alice's mother, was standing in the middle of the room. Her face softened when she saw me. "Hi, Bella, I'm Esme." A pause. "You'll have to forgive us, dear. My husband and I were having a..." she hesitated, "slight difference of opinion. We didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You didn't," I assured her, feeling more than a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry; I heard voices, and..." I stopped, taking a deep breath. "Actually, I was just on my way to the kitchen to make some cookies. Alice said it was all right, but I could just..." My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.

"Please." Esme smiled. "Go ahead. I'll be upstairs if you girls need me, but don't worry," she winked at me, "I won't bother you. You won't even notice I'm around." I smiled, feeling a little more at ease. It was obvious that Alice's parents were both warm and caring people, and I already liked them.

I entered the kitchen, and shook my head in astonishment, certain that our entire house could fit inside that one room. For a moment, I doubted I would ever be able to find what I needed in there. Was it possible to get lost in a kitchen? I had a feeling I was about to find out.

About ten minutes later, I was feeling slightly more positive. As I was mixing the ingredients for the cookie dough in a large, plastic bowl, I decided to try a little harder to enjoy myself tonight. So, I wasn't all that into extreme makeovers and comparing boobs. I still felt like I had more in common with Alice than any other girl in school, and that had to count for something.

Although I had to admit, for a brief moment after she got her hands on that curling iron, I found myself fearing for my life.

Lost in disturbing thoughts about burning hair and cookies, I didn't hear the door open behind me. So when I turned around a few minutes later and saw Edward standing silently in the doorway, I screamed bloody murder and practically jumped through the roof. "Holy crap!" I gasped, grasping at my chest.

His eyes widened comically at my reaction. Then he tilted his head to the side, watching me suspiciously. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"What am I...?" I stared at him before realizing that he was actually waiting for some kind of response. So I held up the bowl in front of me as an explanation. "Cookies," I blurted out, blushing furiously as I remembered that I was still wearing Alice's bathrobe.

Edward stared at me like I had just grown a second head. "Cookies?" he repeated, a doubtful expression on his face.

"M-hm." I nodded, wishing the floor would just open up and swallow me. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself, "Wanna help?"

_I did not just say that out loud._

I didn't need any help; I needed to get my head examined. Because I was standing in front of Edward Cullen, barefoot, in a purple bathrobe, with flour on my face. Asking him to help me bake cookies, in his kitchen.

_Oh, God, kill me now!_


	6. Chapter 6

EPOV

I had just parked the car in the driveway and was about to head inside when I ran into Carlisle, who had just left the house and stepped out on the front porch. He nodded at me when he spotted me.

"Hello, Edward." I grunted in response, intending to step past him, but his voice stopped me; "Do you have a moment?"

Holding back a sigh, I shrugged and gave him a questioning look. "What's up?"

"Well..." He watched me closely for a moment, without a doubt trying to figure out what mood I was in. Obviously deciding that I wouldn't bite his head off for attempting to speak to me, he continued, "I haven't seen you in a while. I just wondered how you're doing."

"Fine," I responded automatically, raising my eyebrows expectantly. "Was that all?" _Can I go now?_

He gave me a strained smile. "Actually, I wanted to ask you something." As I just looked at him, he went on, "It involves your session with Dr. Clearwater tomorrow. Esme and I were talking, and-"

I interrupted him, "What did I do?"

"Excuse me?" Carlisle frowned.

"What. Did. I. Do?" I repeated through gritted teeth. Carlisle never brought up my fucking sessions, and I wondered with a sinking feeling what had happened to bring this on.

He immediately raised his hands in a calming gesture. "You misunderstand, Edward. You didn't do anything. In fact..." He paused. "You know, I was on my way to the hospital, but I think they can do without me for an hour or so. Why don't we continue this conversation inside?"

I looked at him, blankly. "Am I in trouble, or not?"

"You're not in trouble," he assured me, watching me with a thoughtful expression. "But I believe-"

"Good. Then there's nothing to talk about. Wouldn't wanna keep your patients waiting." I slipped past him and into the house before he got the chance to object. Half expecting him to follow me back inside, I was relieved when I heard the engine of his car coming to life a moment later.

I dropped my jacket on a chair and headed for the kitchen to make myself something to eat, since I had deliberately missed dinner. However, I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway when I immediately spotted Bella, standing with her back towards me, surrounded by bags of flour and sugar.

She was wearing a purple fucking bathrobe, and her long, brown hair was curly. I stared at her, unable to look away. Hours could have passed, or just mere seconds, I couldn't tell. Suddenly, she turned around, letting out a startled yelp as she saw me. "Holy crap!" she shouted, her hand flying to her chest.

I felt a bit bad as I realized I had probably scared the crap out of her, but I quickly covered up. "What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded, slowly stepping into the room.

"What am I...?" Bella blushed, and I silently cursed myself for snapping like that. For a moment, I feared that I would be guilty of making her cry for the second time today. Then she held up a white, plastic bowl. "Cookies," she explained, her cheeks still red.

"Cookies?" I echoed, dumbfounded.

"M-hm." She nodded, glancing down into the bowl before looking up again. "Wanna help?" Her eyes widened, and I could see her practically cringe as she realized what she had just said. For some reason, I found her obvious embarrassment amusing. _What the hell?!_

"What kind?" It was now my turn to cringe. _Please, tell me it wasn't me who said that..._

"What?" Bella stared at me, the confusion evident in her voice, and I almost laughed at her shocked expression.

Almost. I wasn't stupid enough to make that mistake again.

"What kind of cookies are you making?" I clarified, then wondered if it was possible to feel more like an idiot. Who the hell cared about the fucking cookies? _Why are you still talking to her? Just turn around and walk away,_ the voice inside my head pleaded. Unfortunately, my feet refused to obey.

She kept staring at me for a moment, before she finally seemed to snap out of it, and she cleared her throat. "Um, chocolate chip?" I stayed silent, my mouth suddenly unable to form any kind of words. To my great horror, I realized that a part of me actually wanted to say, 'yes, I'll help you, I'll do whatever you want'.

"Hey, I, uh..." Bella lowered her eyes, obviously taking my silence as rejection, and seemed eager to change the subject. _Thank God._ "I got your note."

There I had my answer; it _was_ possible to feel more like an idiot. "You read it?" I mumbled, weakly. To tell the truth, I just wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and stay there for the rest of my pathetic life.

"Yeah. That was nice of you, thank you." I looked at her, unable to hide my surprise at her words, and I saw how she bit her lip. It suddenly hit me that she was clearly just as uncomfortable about all of this as I was, which I had to admit made me feel slightly more relaxed around her.

"Right. So..." I searched my mind for something to say to her, which was totally out of character for me. "That asshole didn't hurt you too badly, did he?" I finally blurted out, and immediately wished I hadn't. Just thinking about Tyler Crowley touching Bella made me furious. Yes, so I _did_ care. Who was I kidding?

"Oh, no, I..." Bella swallowed, visibly, and I realized I was holding my breath. Then she sighed. "The thing is, I broke my arm a couple of months ago. It's still kinda sore, so when he grabbed me..." She shrugged, looking down at her feet.

I nodded in understanding. "What happened?"

"I..." She hesitated, and I watched in horror how all color suddenly drained from her face.

"What- what's wrong?" I stuttered nervously, wishing more than ever that I had just kept my mouth shut.

Bella inhaled, shakily, and let out a soft whimper. "Headache," she managed to choke out. "I- I need my..." Tears were streaming down her face and her hands were trembling as she patted the pockets of the bathrobe. "Dammit," she hissed, a desperate note in her voice.

I just stared at her, helplessly, at a complete loss for what to do. That was when the door swung open, and Rosalie entered the kitchen. "What's going on?" she wanted to know. Casting one look at Bella's tear-streaked face, she instantly turned her accusing eyes to me. "What the hell did you do?"

Turning my attention away from Bella, I glared at Rosalie. Not that I should be surprised that the fucking bitch would immediately blame me for the state Bella was in, and I usually couldn't care less about what she thought of me, but that didn't stop the fury from welling up inside me.

_Like I would actually hurt Bella on purpose._

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, deciding that telling Emmett's girlfriend to go fuck herself might not be the smartest thing to do at the moment. Then again, it would most likely make _me_ feel a lot better. "Go to hell, bitch," I spat out before I spun around and strode out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind me that I realized it was going to leave a mark.

Fucking great! Another thing to add to the 'Things-To-Blame-On-Edward' list.

BPOV

To say that I was surprised when Edward asked me about Tyler would be an understatement. In fact, I was shocked that he was still here talking to me in the first place. For some reason, he actually seemed concerned about me, which made absolutely no sense to me. And yet, he had asked.

I swallowed, feeling like my head was spinning. He had asked, and I felt a need to explain. "The thing is, I broke my arm a couple of months ago. It's still kinda sore, so when he grabbed me..." My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.

_He doesn't wanna hear about this._

But then he asked me what happened. Don't ask me why, but I opened my mouth without even thinking, about to spill the whole tragic story. For some reason, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world; telling Edward about the events that had taken place back in Phoenix before I came here.

_'Let her go, Bella, you need to let go! Bella!'_

I could suddenly hear Phil's voice in my head, just as clear as had he been right there in the kitchen with me. And then, without warning, the pain hit me with a force that made me feel like my head would explode. For a moment, I was convinced that I would either throw up, or pass out.

Edward's voice seemed to be miles away, but my mind still registered his confusion; he wondered what was wrong with me. "Headache," I gasped, my voice cracking. "I- I need my..." That was when I realized that I had left my pills upstairs, tucked away in the pocket of my jeans. "Dammit!" I all but sobbed, the pain now so bad that tears started trickling down my cheeks.

Panic started welling up inside me, and I was barely aware of Rosalie entering the room. My ears were ringing, and I didn't understand what she was saying. Pressing my fingers against my temples and squeezing my eyes shut, I forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths. Then I opened my eyes again, my vision slightly blurry as I watched Edward storm out of the room.

I wasn't sure of what had just happened, but for the moment, I didn't care. Thankfully, the nausea was fading, but my head was still pounding and I knew it wasn't going to stop until the painkillers would get a chance to kick in. So I pushed my way past Rosalie, ignoring her as she called out my name, and rushed out of the kitchen and up the stairs, tripping over the threshold as I stumbled into Alice's room.

"Bella?"

Alice sounded startled, not that I could blame her, and I desperately waved my hand at her, praying that she would take the hint and give me some space. She did, and I almost cried in relief as I spotted my jeans on the bed. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for, and I quickly opened the small bottle, shaking out two white pills into my hand, and gulped them both down without any water.

Then I slid down on the floor, panting. Hours seemed to pass, and when I finally raised my head, I found myself looking into Alice's worried eyes, realizing I had some explaining to do. I opened my mouth, but Alice beat me to it. "God, Bella, what happened?!"

Before I got the chance to respond, Rosalie spoke up from the doorway, "Edward did something to upset her."

Blinking in surprise, I just stared at her for a moment. That was when I heard Alice take in a shaky breath. "Oh, no! Bella..."

"Wait, what?" I interrupted her, looking between the two in confusion. Then I shook my head. "No, that's not what happened. We were just talking, and-"

Rosalie cut me off, her voice suddenly hard, "I saw you, crying. You don't have to defend him."

"Obviously, I do." I looked into Rosalie's eyes, holding her gaze. "Rosalie, it wasn't Edward's fault. God, why would you assume...?" I stopped, turning to Alice. "Really, Alice, I'm fine. Rosalie is wrong; what happened had nothing to do with Edward. Seriously." The pain was finally starting to ease, much to my relief.

Alice looked relieved, but Rosalie's eyes narrowed. It was obvious that she wasn't used to people telling her off, and I could tell that she didn't like it. As she just muttered something before quickly leaving the room, I sincerely hoped that I hadn't just gotten myself an enemy.

The confusion on Alice's face wasn't lost on me, and I let out a sigh. "Look, Alice, I'm sorry. If you want me to leave-"

"No! Don't be silly; of course I don't want you to leave. Unless you want to?" She suddenly sounded uncertain. "Are you okay now? What happened? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

I fought back a groan, still embarrassed. "No. Absolutely not. I get these kind of headaches sometimes, but it's not dangerous or anything. I'm okay. Sorry for scaring you like that."

Alice dropped to her knees next to me, looking pained. "Bella, _I'm_ sorry. About Rosalie, and…" She hesitated. "Were you and Edward really talking?" When I nodded, her frown deepened. "About what?" She must have seen my confused expression, because she hurried to add, "It's just that, well, Edward doesn't really... talk, to other people much." A pause. "Or, at all."

I shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable. "We weren't exactly having any deep conversations..." _I just made a complete fool out of myself. Again._

She was quiet for a moment, and I could tell that she was thinking about something. Then she glanced at me. "You remember what I said about Edward and Emmett not getting along?" I nodded. "Same goes for Edward and Rosalie."

_No kidding?_ I nodded again. "I figured as much."

Alice watched me thoughtfully before she went on, "I told you Edward's not a bad person, and he's not. He's just..." she looked away, "been through a lot."

I wanted to ask her what she meant, but something held me back. So I just waited for her to continue. Finally, she did; "Like Emmett said; Edward's adopted. He came to live with us when he was eleven. You know my dad's a doctor? He works at the hospital here in town."

"Uh-huh." I wasn't sure where she was going with this. But I figured I was about to find out.

For a moment, I almost thought I saw tears in Alice's eyes, but I wasn't certain. She swallowed. "I once overheard Dad telling Mom that Edward was one of the worst cases he'd ever seen. And he's seen a lot."

"What did he mean by that?" A part of me didn't want to hear the answer.

Alice opened her mouth, but stopped herself as Rosalie chose that moment to re-enter the room. I didn't know whether to be disappointed, or relieved. Because I suddenly got the feeling that Alice had been about to tell me something I really wouldn't want to hear.

Rosalie looked at Alice and me, still sitting on the floor. She hesitated a little before slowly walking over to us and sat down as well, a few feet away. "Are you feeling better, Bella?" I just nodded, not meeting her eyes. She sighed. "I guess I was jumping to conclusions before. I'm sorry."

_Okay, I didn't see that coming._

I gave her a weak smile. "That's okay." _'Did you apologize to Edward as well?'_ I wanted to ask, but decided against it. Besides, I had a feeling I already knew the answer to that. Suddenly a thought occurred to me, and I jumped up. "God, I forgot about the cookies! I made a complete mess in the kitchen, I'll go-"

"Already taken care of. Don't worry about it." Rosalie waved her hand in dismissal, and I just stared at her in shock. I thought for certain that I had pissed her off, and she had gone back downstairs and cleaned up after me? Maybe I had been wrong about her.

Alice jumped up as well, insisting it was time to watch a movie. It was obvious that she was trying to lighten the mood, and for that I was grateful. We spent the next couple of hours munching on various snacks and laughing hysterically at _Ace Ventura: Pet Detective_, and I was having so much fun I almost forgot all about Edward and my humiliating episode in the kitchen.

Almost. But not completely.

It wasn't until much later, when I was lying in the large, soft bed in the guestroom and waiting for sleep to claim me, that my thoughts went back to the earlier events of the evening. And once I started thinking about it, and _him_, I found myself unable to stop.

Twisting and turning in the bed for what felt like hours without being able to find a comfortable position, I finally gave up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I clearly wouldn't fall asleep any time soon, so I figured I might as well get up. Maybe I could find myself something to read to pass the time.

After a brief moment's hesitation, I quietly left the room and headed for the stairs.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** I'd like to say a huge thanks to everyone who have taken time to leave me a review so far. I appreciate every single one.

I've recently gotten a Twitter account. If anyone wants to follow me, my user name over there is NillaSwan.

*~*~*

EPOV

_I was huddling in the corner of my room, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying out as the blows kept hitting me. I knew he wanted to get a reaction out of me, just so he would have a reason to keep punishing me. Finally he took a step back, and I held my breath, not daring to hope it was already over.___

_"Do you know why I'm doing this?" I looked up, shuddering at the dark expression on James' face. Was I suppose to answer? I could never be sure of what he wanted from me; he kept changing the rules every time. Now he raised his fist in a threatening manner, but didn't strike. Instead he just repeated his question, calmly, like he was talking about the weather; "Do you know why I'm doing this?"___

_Right. Answering, then. I just nodded, then gasped as the fist hit me hard in the face. James leaned closer, and I swallowed when I realized that the wall prevented me from pulling away. His face turned smug. "I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?"___

_I inhaled, shakily. "Because I've been bad."___

_"That's right." James looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. "You have been bad, so I have no choice but to punish you. I have to make sure you know your place. Do you understand?" ___

_I nodded, then remembered what happened the last time I didn't give him the answer he wanted. "Yes."___

_"Very good." James sounded almost friendly. In the next moment, the smile was gone and his face cold as ice. "Now, get up and move over to the bed."___

_My mouth went dry, and I felt a huge lump in my throat as I stared at him. Then I shook my head, pleadingly. "No…"___

_James' eyes narrowed, dangerously. "What did you just say?"___

_Swallowing, I forced myself to look him right in the eyes. "No. Please, I don't want-" Another blow caused my head to snap back and hit the wall behind me, and a wave of dizziness came over me. Although my vision had become slightly blurred, I could still see the furious expression on my stepfather's face.___

_"You don't get to speak unless I say so, is that clear?!" He didn't bother to wait for an answer as he went on; "I said, get over to the bed." Suddenly the man looked over his shoulder, speaking quietly to someone in the doorway; "Go back downstairs, Elizabeth. I'll be there as soon as I'm finished here."___

_I looked up, silently begging my mother to stay. I knew she had to be aware of what her husband was doing almost every night, before he went to bed with her. A part of me wished that she would be oblivious; her knowing only made me feel worse. Because it proved that what James said was true; I did deserve this. Otherwise, my mother would never allow it. I closed my eyes for a moment, not wanting to watch her turn around and leave. When I opened my eyes again, the doorway was empty._

I woke with a start, gasping as I sat up straight in the bed, my eyes darting wildly around the room. It took a couple of minutes for my brain to register that I was safe, that it had just been a bad dream. For a moment, I had been back in my room in Chicago, reliving my worst nightmare all over again.

Over the years, I had gotten used to the nightmares haunting me almost every night, but that didn't make it any easier. Angrily wiping at my face, I waited for my heart to slow down and to go back to beating like normal. Then I got up on wobbly legs and slowly made my way over to the door, listening closely for any sign of life on the other side.

But, much to my relief, the house was seemingly quiet. Sometimes when I got downstairs in the morning, Carlisle used to look at me with a sympathetic expression on his face, and I knew he must have heard me, moaning and trashing in bed during the night.

I fucking hated when he looked at me like that.

Knowing from experience that I wouldn't get any more sleep tonight, I quietly opened the door, hesitated in the doorway to listen again, before finally hurrying across the hallway and down the stairs. Once I got down, I slumped down on the couch in the living room, and let out the breath I had been holding.

I found the remote to the TV, turned it on, and immediately switched it to mute. Then I tried to force myself to focus on some bad horror movie (I had never seen it before and was unfamiliar with the title), anything to keep my mind from wandering.

Suddenly I heard a noise, and instantly tensed up. Bella was standing at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes wide, and judging by the look on her face, she was just as startled by my presence as I had been by hers. She took a hesitant step forward, then stopped, obviously not sure of what to do.

"Woke you, did I?" I muttered, too embarrassed to even try to cover up the hostility in my voice.

She sounded surprised when she responded, her voice trembling slightly, "No, I..." Her hand gripped at the railing of the stairs. "I just couldn't sleep, so I thought..." She lowered her eyes to the floor. "Never mind, I'll just head back upstairs. I didn't mean to bother you."

For some reason, her words made me panic, and I realized that I didn't want her to leave. I noted with relief that she seemed to have recovered from whatever it was that had caused her to freak out before. "It's okay," I mumbled, praying that she wouldn't hear the desperation in my voice. "I can't sleep, either. You can stay if you want."

_Clearly, the nightmare must have damaged my brain._

"Um, okay. Thanks." Bella sounded a little uncertain, but slowly walked over to the couch and sat down, after a brief moment's hesitation, thankfully as far away from me as possible. She glanced at me when I didn't make any immediate attempt to start a conversation. "So, what are you watching?"

"Huh?" I frowned, then turned my attention to the TV screen. A blonde, hysterical bimbo was being chased by a tall fucker wearing a hockey mask and carrying an axe. I shrugged. "Not a fucking clue."

Bella nodded in acceptance, then took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm sorry about what happened before."

Forgetting to be on my guard, I turned to give her an incredulous look. "What?"

She blushed, and I could tell that she was having a hard time getting the words out. I could relate to that. "Earlier, in the kitchen. When I..." Her voice trailed off, and she didn't finish the sentence. She didn't have to, though, I knew what she was referring to. But what I didn't understand was why she was apologizing.

"What the hell are you sorry for?" The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken, and my voice was only slightly softer as I went on, "Look, I'm not quite sure what I did, but-"

"No." Bella cut me off, nervously wringing her hands. "Whatever Rosalie may have said, it wasn't your fault. I just..." She swallowed. "I get really bad headaches sometimes. It's... The doctors can't seem to find any physical explanation, so I guess..." A strange sound escaped her, and I couldn't tell whether it was a laugh or a sob. "I guess it's all in my head. Literally." She rolled her eyes.

I sighed. "You don't have to tell me this. It's none of my fucking business."

"It's okay, I don't..." She stopped herself, quickly averting her eyes. "I mean, you probably don't wanna hear about my petty problems. Forget I said anything."

And I was back to feeling like a jerk. Why couldn't I just do something right for a change?

"You can tell me if you want," I heard myself say. "I don't mind." And I realized that I actually meant it. Although I had to admit, my motives weren't completely selfless. I had come to find that listening to Bella's voice provided a much welcoming distraction from my own 'petty problems'.

Bella was quiet for a moment. "Are you sure?" I just nodded, suddenly not trusting my voice. She watched me, obviously trying to decide whether or not I was being sincere. Then she nodded as well, and I figured I must have passed the test. "All right. I used to live in Phoenix, with my mom and her husband."

"How come you moved to Forks?" I asked.

I knew I should just let her tell me the story at her own pace, but I couldn't help myself; I was curious. And, to be honest, I wanted our conversation to last as long as possible. It was a strange feeling, seeing how I never enjoyed talking to other people. But, for some reason, I was starting to wonder if Bella may be different than most people. Somehow, I got the feeling she was.

I just didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

BPOV

When I saw Edward sitting on the couch, my instinct told me to turn around and run back upstairs. But I hesitated. As much as I was still beyond embarrassed about what happened in the kitchen, a part of me couldn't stand the thought of him actually believing Rosalie and think he had anything to do with my breakdown.

And then he told me I could stay. Although he sounded nonchalant enough, like he didn't really care, there was something in his voice that made me suspect otherwise. As I took a closer look at his face, the feeling became even stronger. He was paler than usual, with dark circles under his eyes, and I realized he hadn't been joking when he told me he couldn't sleep.

He looked as if he hadn't slept for a week.

My thoughts went back to Alice, and her words about Edward not being a bad person. She didn't say it out loud, but I wasn't stupid. Something must have happened to him, something bad, and that was why he had come to live with the Cullen's when he was eleven years old. That was six years ago, and he obviously still didn't trust other people enough to let them into his life.

_"I once overheard Dad telling Mom that Edward was one of the worst cases he'd ever seen. And he's seen a lot."_

I still couldn't be sure about the exact meaning behind those words, but I had my suspicions, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. Someone must have hurt him, badly, otherwise Edward wouldn't have ended up at the hospital with Carlisle. No, the question wasn't whether or not he had been hurt in the past; the question was _how_.

And a part of me was terrified of finding out.

As I hesitantly made my way over to the couch and sat down, making sure to put some distance between Edward and me, I waited for him to say something more. But he remained quiet, absently looking straight ahead, and I suddenly couldn't take the silence any longer. So I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind, "So, what are you watching?"

"Huh?" Edward looked confused for a moment, then turned to look at the TV. Finally he shrugged. "Not a fucking clue," he admitted.

_Okay, gotta find something else to talk about, then. Think, Bella!_

I desperately searched my mind, but came up with nothing. So I took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm sorry about what happened before."

That got his attention. He stared at me. "What?"

Great! He was going to make me say it. I could feel my cheeks turning red. "Earlier, in the kitchen. When I..." I lowered my eyes.

"What the hell are you sorry for?" He sounded angry, and I swallowed. Then he continued, his voice a little calmer, but still cold, "Look, I'm not quite sure what I did, but-"

That was when I interrupted him and told him the truth; that what happened didn't have anything to do with him. When he spoke again, I realized I must have been babbling, because he sounded bored. "You don't have to tell me this. It's none of my fucking business."

Of course he wouldn't want to listen to my sob story. I felt the tears burning behind my eyelids. Edward must have seen the hurt look on my face, because his voice softened and he hurried to add, "You can tell me if you want. I don't mind."

I really didn't need any pity from him, and I was just about to tell him so, when I realized that he was actually making an effort here. According to Alice, Edward didn't talk to other people. But here he was, offering to listen. Pity or not, how could I possibly turn him down?

So, I opened my mouth, and started, "All right. I used to live in Phoenix, with my mom and her husband."

"How come you moved to Forks?" he asked. It sounded like he actually wanted to know.

And just like before, telling Edward about what happened felt completely natural. I only prayed that the effect of the painkillers hadn't worn off; the last thing I wanted was for Edward to have to witness another one of my crazy episodes.

"Well," I began, tentatively. "Something happened, and I just couldn't stay." Edward didn't say anything, just waited for me to go on. I sighed. "My mom. She died." There; I'd said it. No blinding pain, at least not so far.

"Oh." Edward sounded a little uncomfortable, like he didn't know what to say. I could feel his eyes on me as he was trying to find the words. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks." I shrugged. This was the reaction I normally got when I told people about my mom. Awkwardness and forced sympathy. I wasn't sure which one I disliked the most. Taking an unsteady breath, I continued, "When I got home from school one day, there was an ambulance in the driveway. I rushed inside..."

_I flew through the front door, unable to keep the panic out of my voice, 'Mom! Phil! Where are you? What's with the ambulance?!'___

_'Bella?' Phil's ragged voice, coming from the living room. 'Don't come in here, Bella, stay where you are!'___

_Of course, I ignored his words and barged into the room. I would spend the rest of my life wishing I had just listened to him. Because the sight that met me would haunt me forever. ___

_Two paramedics were crouching over my mother's lifeless body. One of them stood up, and walked over to a stretcher. I turned towards Phil, staring at him with my mouth hanging open in shock. He looked at me, and I could see traces of tears on his face.___

_I heard a strange sound, and turned back to the paramedic by the stretcher. He had just rolled out a large, black body bag. ___

_A whimper escaped my throat. 'Mom?'_

My bottom lip was trembling when I had finished talking, but my eyes were dry. I wouldn't, _couldn't_, cry in front of Edward Cullen again. When I finally dared to throw a look in his direction, I noticed that he had scooted closer to me on the couch. His left hand was hovering above my arm, like he had been about to offer me some comfort.

Then I could see him tense up, and he quickly pulled back his hand. Suddenly I wanted to weep more than ever. I couldn't explain why I felt this way, but all of the sudden, it was like my entire body was aching for him to touch me, whether he was pitying me or not. I couldn't let him know what I was thinking, though, so I took a deep breath and silently counted to ten, avoiding to look at him again.

I got the disturbing feeling that if he looked into my eyes, he would see directly into my soul. And I doubted neither of us would be ready for that.

"Um, Bella?" I froze at the sound of Edward's voice, having not expected him to speak. Glancing at him, I gave him a questioning look, silently giving him permission to go on. He hesitated for a moment. "What happened to your arm?"

I grimaced, but figured that since I had already revealed this much, I might as well tell him the rest. "It was Phil. My stepdad. He..." My voice trailed off as I heard Edward let out a soft gasp. I looked at him, and saw that he was staring at me in horror. His already pale face was now white as a sheet.

"Edward?" His reaction was making me more than a little anxious, and I couldn't help but shiver. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost. I gulped, nervously. "What's wrong?"

But he wasn't looking at me anymore. In fact, I suspected he was no longer aware of my presence at all. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was clenching his fists, mumbling something over and over again as he kept shaking his head. I leaned a little closer, and finally managed to make out the words; "God, not her, too. Not her, not her, not her..."


	8. Chapter 8

BPOV

"Edward?" I instinctively reached out towards him, intending to give his arm a little shake, because by now, the haunted expression on his face was scaring the hell out of me. "Edward, what...?"

The moment my fingers made contact with his skin, he snapped out of it and pulled away from me so abruptly that I nearly fell off the couch. "Don't!" he hissed, a warning note in his voice.

I swallowed hard, both confused and hurt by his reaction. "Don't what?" My voice was barely more than a whisper as I was trying to figure out what I had done to upset him.

He glared at me, and I felt myself shrinking back into the couch. "Don't fucking touch me!" There was something more than just anger behind his words, and for a moment, I thought I recognized a hint of pure fear in his voice. "Don't touch me," he repeated, and I noticed that his hands were shaking, badly.

I quickly shook my head in agreement and raised my hands, staring at him with wide eyes. "I'm not gonna touch you."

Watching me intently, as if to decide whether or not I meant it, he finally seemed to relax a little. Then he nodded in understanding, and I could see how he struggled to get his emotions under control. It nearly broke my heart. "Are... are you okay?" I whispered, still not understanding what had just happened.

He ignored my question. For a couple of minutes, we both just sat there in silence, until Edward finally spoke up, quietly, "What did he do?"

I just looked at him, blankly, having no idea what he was talking about. For a moment, I felt like my head was spinning. "Who?" I managed to ask in a small voice, not able to hide my confusion.

"Your stepdad." I could tell he was becoming frustrated by the way he briefly closed his eyes, and his fingers gripped at the edge of the couch. "What the fuck did he do to you?"

"Phil?" I desperately tried to remember what we had been talking about before he freaked out. Then I recalled telling Edward about my mom, and he had asked me what happened to my... "Oh, right," I mumbled, taking a deep breath as I tried to gather my thoughts. A part of me just wanted to demand for him to explain his behavior.

However, I quickly decided against it. Right now, Edward was still here, talking to me. But I was pretty certain that if I pushed him in any way at the moment, I would drive him over the edge; he would run away and never speak to me again. And the mere thought scared me more than I was ready to admit.

So I slumped back against the cushions, reluctantly accepting the fact that the only way we were having a conversation right now would be on his terms. I bit my lip. "I wouldn't let them take her away," I finally admitted, softly. Glancing at Edward, I noticed his confusion, so I clarified, "My mom. The paramedics were going to put her in that... _thing_, and take her away. And I just panicked."

_"Let her go, Bella, you need to let go! Bella!"___

_Phil was trying to coax me away from my mother's cold and unresponsive body, but I let out a cry of anguish as he gently put his hand on my arm. "No!" I wailed, flinching away from him and clinging desperately to my mom. Phil hesitated for a moment, clearly at a loss for what to do.___

_"Miss Swan?" One of the paramedics was trying to catch my attention, but I wouldn't listen. He was one of the bad guys; he wanted to take my mom away from me. Coherent thoughts were no longer running through my head, and I cried out again as Phil struggled to pry my fingers away from my mother's stiff shoulders.___

_"Bella, please..." Phil was pleading with me, his voice thick. "I know how you feel, sweetheart, but please, don't make this any harder. She's gone..." ___

_I stubbornly shook my head, not caring if I was making a scene. That was when his words registered in my brain; my mother was gone. I froze dead in my tracks and tears started spilling down my cheeks. In that moment, Phil tugged forcefully at my arm, having not realized that I had stopped resisting, and I let out a gasp as I lost my balance and fell, landing hard on the floor with my left arm underneath me. ___

_"Bella? Oh, God, Bella, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? I didn't mean-"___

_I cradled my broken arm against my chest, sobbing hysterically, although I barely felt any pain at the moment. "Don't touch me, Phil! Let me go to my mom!" He held on to me, and I struggled to break free. "Mom! Mom!"_

I glanced at Edward, quickly brushing away a single tear from my face. "It was an accident. Phil would never hurt me deliberately."

"Oh." He was silent for a moment, and I wished I knew what he was thinking.

"It turned out she had an aneurysm," I went on, even though Edward hadn't asked. "A blood vessel popped, and she just collapsed. Phil was right there next to her, but it was already too late; there was nothing he could do. I don't..." I swallowed. "I don't think she felt any pain. It happened really fast."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right." Edward quickly looked away, although I could see the shame written all over his face. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to make you remember-"

I cut him off, unable to keep from letting out a bitter laugh. "You're kidding, right? As if I could forget. As if I don't see her lifeless face all over again, every time I close my eyes." I realized that I was raising my voice, but I didn't care. "Do you have any idea what it's like, being unable to escape from your memories?"

Edward just looked at me with an unreadable expression on his face. Finally he spoke up, so softly I could barely hear him, "Yeah, I do."

I waited for him to continue; give me some kind of explanation, but he didn't, and I felt frustration well up inside me. "What are you talking about?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it again, shaking his head. "Never mind." Somehow sensing that I was about to object, he hurried on, almost pleadingly, "Just let it go, Bella."

I didn't want to let it go; I just wanted him to open up to me, like I had opened up to him. But at the same time, I realized that it wouldn't be that easy. If I ever wanted Edward to really talk to me, I had to find a way to earn his trust.

And that was the moment when I made my decision. No matter what it took, I was going to get Edward Cullen to trust me.

EPOV

When I asked Bella what happened to her arm and she mentioned her stepfather, I just lost it. I was vaguely aware of her still talking to me, but I couldn't make out a word she was saying. Because all I could hear was a desperate voice, sounding suspiciously like my own, screaming over and over again in my mind, _"Not her!"_

The idea of this sweet, innocent girl suffering, the mere thought of someone hurting her in any way, made my stomach turn. In that moment, I wanted to find that man, hunt him down and tear him apart with my bare hands for causing her pain. In that moment, my own pain and suffering meant absolutely nothing.

And then she touched me.

Panic welled up inside me and I scrambled away from her. "Don't!" I growled, horrified when I heard my voice crack. All of the sudden, my entire body was shaking.

Bella stared at me with wide eyes. "Don't what?" she whispered.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I could feel tears of humiliation burning in my eyes. "Don't touch me," I repeated, disgusted with myself for falling apart like this.

She kept watching me as she shook her head, slowly holding up her hands. "I'm not gonna touch you." And that was it; no questions that I wouldn't be able to answer, no demanding for an explanation that I couldn't give her.

And more importantly; she didn't leave. She didn't run away screaming, she just remained where she was. Finally she asked, quietly, if I was okay. And I couldn't bring myself to answer, fearing that if I as much as opened my mouth, I would start blubbering like a girl. So I stayed silent, focusing on just breathing calmly, in and out.

For a couple of minutes, neither of us said anything. Finally I spoke up, praying that my voice wouldn't fail me again, "What did he do?"

Bella frowned. "Who?"

Her obvious confusion made me annoyed, although more at myself for being the reason behind it. "Your stepdad," I explained as calmly as I could. "What the fuck did he do to you?"

"Phil?" I got the feeling that she had completely forgotten our conversation, and decided that I couldn't really blame her. Finally something clicked. "Oh, right." Bella was quiet for a moment. Then she bit her lip. "I wouldn't let them take her away." At my blank expression, she went on explaining, "My mom. The paramedics were going to put her in that... _thing_, and take her away. And I just panicked."

I sat in silence and listened as Bella told me the story about how her stepfather desperately tried to pull her off her mother's dead body, and how he accidentally caused her to fall down and break her arm. When she had finished talking, a tear rolled down her cheek, and I felt a pang in my chest.

At the same time, I nearly wept with relief when I realized that I had been wrong; Bella's stepfather obviously wasn't anything like James. She had suffered great pain losing her mother, no question about that, but at least she hadn't been abused. Thank God for small favors!

Then I started feeling beyond guilty for making her relive her loss, making her feel like she owed me some kind of explanation. "I'm sorry," I whispered, hoarsely. "I didn't mean to make you remember-"

"You're kidding, right?" Bella interrupted me, exasperated. "As if I could forget. As if I don't see her lifeless face all over again, every time I close my eyes." A pause. "Do you have any idea what it's like, being unable to escape from your memories?"

I just stared at her, for a moment certain that my heart had stopped beating. "Yeah, I do," I finally admitted, so quietly that I didn't think she had heard me. I was wrong.

"What are you talking about?" she wanted to know, her voice almost pleading.

Opening my mouth without even thinking, I stopped myself before I could reveal something that I would without doubt come to regret later. "Never mind," I muttered, shaking my head. Afraid that she would keep pushing, I quickly added, "Just let it go, Bella," silently praying against hope that, by some miracle, she would just respect my wishes.

For the longest time, she just watched me in silence, and I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. I would tell Bella to back the hell off if I had to, but to tell the truth, I didn't like the thought of snapping at her again. Normally, I didn't give a damn if I hurt anyone's feelings. In fact, I usually made an effort to act like a jerk, just to keep other people away from me.

Then came Bella Swan, and my whole world got turned upside-down.

Bella with her soft voice and her kind, chocolate brown eyes. I liked how her cheeks turned into an interesting shade of pink whenever she got embarrassed. And I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through her long, brown curls, feeling the sensation of her hair against my skin.

And it scared me half to death.

A week ago, I wasn't even aware of this girl's existence. And here we were now, sitting on the couch in my living room, in the middle of the night. Talking.

When I was around Bella, I felt - for lack of a better word - a _connection_ of some kind. I couldn't explain it and I sure as hell didn't understand it, but I felt it, nevertheless. A part of me wanted to ask Bella if she felt it as well, but I was too much of a coward.

Besides, she wasn't emotionally retarded, like me. I had no idea how to even begin to put my confused and screwed up feelings into words.

My original plan had been to avoid Bella at all costs; to stay as far away from her as possible. And on some level, I still just wanted to run. Protect myself the only way I could; by pushing the rest of the world away and simply stay in my own safe little bubble, where no one could reach me and I wouldn't risk getting hurt again.

So why was I here? Bella had already managed to break down some of my walls, and it absolutely terrified me. I had only known her for a few days, and I couldn't deny that I already felt a strange need to protect her, to make sure she was safe.

Which was pretty damn ironic, since I couldn't even save myself.

Having been lost in my thoughts, I nearly jumped when Bella suddenly spoke. "Can I ask you something?"

Tensing up for a moment, I gave her a suspicious look. I had no idea what she wanted to ask me, and I feared once again that she was looking for answers that I didn't want to give her. So I just shrugged, eying her warily as I waited for her to go on.

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "Earlier today, at school. Why were you laughing at me?"

My eyes widened in surprise; that was definitely not what I had been expecting. But then it hit me that she was obviously still feeling a bit hurt, and I realized that I probably owed her an explanation of some kind.

I sighed. "I wasn't laughing at you, just at the situation." She looked confused. I lowered my eyes, suddenly embarrassed. "I was about to come to your rescue; kick the bastard's ass or something. But it turned out to be unnecessary; you could obviously take care of yourself."

Bella stared at me in astonishment. "You were gonna help me?" I shrugged again, refusing to meet her eyes. Then I heard how she let out a soft giggle, and my head shot up. Both hurt and embarrassed by her reaction, I glared at her. She immediately became serious. "Sorry. It's just that, well, I usually don't see myself as the 'damsel-in-distress' type of girl."

I couldn't help but snort. "Don't be offended, but from what I've seen so far, you seem to be the type of person who attracts accidents like a magnet." It was true; more than once, I had watched her stumble over her own feet. Bella didn't look offended. Instead she gave me a curious look, and I found myself wishing I hadn't said anything.

The last thing I wanted was for Bella to think I was keeping tabs on her or anything.

That was when she smiled, and I found another thing to add to the list of things I already liked about her. She had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, not that I normally paid any attention to stuff like that.

_Christ, what was this girl doing to me?_

"Guess I've always been a bit of a klutz," she admitted. "My mom used to say..." She stopped, and her smile faded. For a brief moment, I feared that she would start crying again. I didn't think I could handle any more fucking tears; I felt a desperate need to comfort her, and I didn't know how.

In that moment, the front door opened and Carlisle stepped inside. To tell the truth, a part of me was grateful for the distraction.

"Hello again, Bella. Edward." Carlisle's eyes darted between the two of us, and I didn't miss the look of surprise on his face. I could see the curiosity in his eyes, and forced back a sigh. Not that I could really blame him; although there was enough of a distance between me and Bella to make room for another person, she was sitting way closer to me than I usually found acceptable.

Bella smiled, somewhat shyly. Carlisle gave me a questioning look, and I was suddenly feeling awkward by his attention. So I jumped up from the couch, so fast that I probably startled Bella. "Going out for a smoke," I mumbled, heading for the door.

I heard Bella clear her throat before she spoke, quietly, "I should probably go back upstairs." A pause. "Good night."

"Good night, Bella," Carlisle said in a soft voice. I remained silent, but stopped in the doorway, hesitating for a moment.

_Don't look back. Just walk out the door._

I put my hand on the door knob. Then, unable to stop myself, I threw a brief look over my shoulder. Bella was already halfway up the stairs. That was when she turned her head, slowly, and our eyes met. She blushed, but didn't look away. Neither did I. For some reason, time seemed to be standing still as we just kept looking at each other.

I never noticed when Carlisle excused himself and left the room.

Then she gave me a hesitant half smile, waved, and practically ran up the rest of the stairs. For almost a minute, I remained where I was, frozen, just staring at the empty spot where Bella had been standing a moment ago. Then I finally snapped out of it, opened the door, and slipped outside.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**** A huge thank you to all of you who have reviewed, added my story to your favorites or story alert. **

***~*~***

BPOV

Despite the fact that I hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep during the night, I woke up bright and early, feeling perfectly rested. Or maybe 'restless' was a better way of putting it, since my whole body seemed to itch to get out of bed. So, I left the room after taking a quick shower - yes, the guest room had its own bathroom - and headed down the stairs to see if I could help with the breakfast.

To my surprise, I found the kitchen to be completely empty. In fact, the entire house was eerily quiet, and I cast a look at my watch. Almost seven-thirty, and it was Saturday. Well, that explained it. I guess I must have gotten used to waking up early since I moved to Forks, seeing how Charlie was always up and out of the house before seven.

I sighed, and made my way over to the coffee maker. As soon as the coffee was brewing, my stomach growled, and I hesitantly opened the huge fridge. Last night - after the whole cookie fiasco - Alice had told me to help myself in the kitchen whenever I wanted, but I still didn't feel comfortable eating other people's food when they were not around.

Then again, I _was_ starving. And the fridge was so stuffed with food, it made my mouth salivate.

After a brief moment of hesitation, I grabbed a carton of eggs, a packet of sliced ham, and some cheese, deciding to make an omelette big enough to feed the rest of the people in the house as well, whenever they would decide to wake up. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty about eating their food by myself.

Quickly throwing the ingredients together, I soon had the omelette cooking, in the largest frying pan I had ever seen. It didn't take long before I heard the sound of footsteps, and the door to the kitchen swung open. Alice's brother, Emmett, was standing in the doorway with a hopeful expression. "Do I smell food?"

I smiled, a little nervously. "Um, yeah. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to..." My eyes went to the mess I had created - I had yet to throw away the egg shells, and some of the cheese had accidentally missed the pan and ended up on the floor - and I grimaced as I finished with a sheepish look on my face, "...violate your kitchen. Sorry."

Emmett threw his head back and let out a booming laugh. "Don't worry about it. I assure you, it usually looks a lot worse in here when Alice has been around." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but giggle. Then he raised an eyebrow, suddenly serious. "You _did_ make enough of that stuff for me, right? Because it smells fucking delicious."

I nodded, trying my best not to laugh as I took the pan off the stove and put it down on the kitchen sink. "Absolutely. Just dig in." The relief on his face was impossible to miss, and I shook my head in amusement. Emmett had just helped himself to a plate full of food - possibly enough to feed a small country - when the door opened again, and Edward sauntered into the kitchen.

He froze briefly when he spotted me, but quickly covered up and walked past me without a word. I swallowed. "Um, good morning?" Edward merely grunted something, and went straight for the coffee. I took a deep breath. "There's omelette." I paused, forcing a smile. "Unless Emmett ate it all."

Finally turning towards me, Edward just looked at me for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then he opened his mouth, as if to say something, but Emmett beat him to it, "Don't bother, Bella. You won't get any conversation out of him. So, unless you're looking to be insulted, I wouldn't waste my time."

Edward's eyes darkened, and he glared at Emmett. "Fuck off," he then muttered, angrily, before turning his attention back to the coffee.

"See what I mean?" Emmett glanced at me, a mocking note in his voice as he continued, "If you're gonna keep hanging with this family, Bella, you should know that _some_ people," I could see how Edward clenched his fists, "are simply not worth the effort."

I frowned. All of the sudden, I felt like I was seeing a whole new side of Emmett, and I didn't like it. For some reason, it almost seemed like he was trying to provoke Edward, trying to pick a fight. Luckily, Edward wasn't taking the bait. _Yet,_ I thought with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Determined to show Emmett were I was standing; that I didn't encourage this kind of immature behavior, I ignored his crude words and turned back to Edward, giving him a questioning look. "Omelette?"

The look of surprise on both of their faces would probably have made me laugh, had I not been so annoyed. Just who did Emmett think he was? So what if he and Edward didn't get along? First Rosalie, and now Emmett? I suddenly realized that I couldn't blame Edward for being hostile and keeping to himself, when most people seemed to be treating him like crap.

I wasn't sure what I had been expecting, but I just barely managed to hide the relief and happiness from showing when Edward - after a moment's hesitation - not only accepted the plate I was holding out to him, but also mumbled a 'thank you'. Then he slumped down on a chair and started shoving food into his mouth, ignoring Emmett completely.

And Emmett, having the decency to look a little ashamed, clearly decided to stay silent and continue eating as well.

An awkward silence filled the room, and - in a desperate attempt to keep myself busy - I grabbed a clean glass from the dish stand and went over to the fridge to pour myself some orange juice. Then I made the mistake of looking up, and noticed how Edward was watching me closely, like he was trying to read my mind. Suddenly my palms became sweaty, and I felt like I had a hard time breathing.

Before I knew what happened, the glass slipped out of my hand and shattered against the floor. I silently cursed my clumsiness, immediately dropping to my knees and quickly tried to gather the broken pieces, beyond embarrassed. I heard two chairs simultaneously being pulled out.

"It's just a glass, Bella. We have about a thousand of them. Nothing to worry about," Emmett hurried to assure me.

Blushing furiously, I wondered again why I had to be such a klutz. "I'm really sorry."

"I got it." Edward was suddenly kneeling on the floor next to me, reaching for a piece of glass, and my heart skipped a beat.

"No, it's okay; it was my fault, I'll just..." I was babbling, but didn't seem able to stop myself. That was when our fingers accidentally brushed against each other, and - while Edward immediately pulled back, like he had been burned by acid - I let out a gasp, feeling like I had just gotten hit by an electrical shock. I stared down at my fingers, half expecting to see sparks.

My eyes shot up to meet his, and for a moment - just like last night - we just stared at each other like hypnotized. I finally snapped out of the daze when I felt a sharp prick in my index finger, my eyes widening as I realized I had just cut myself on the broken glass.

I could smell the blood almost before I could see it. My mom had always insisted that people didn't have the ability to smell blood, but either she had been wrong, or I had been a vampire in a past life, because I could swear I wasn't imagining the sickening smell of rust and salt, filling my mind whenever I got hurt.

Unfortunately, this time was no exception.

A wave of dizziness came over me, and I could feel cold sweat break out on my forehead. The nausea welled up inside me, and my vision became foggy. I thought I heard someone saying my name, but I didn't recognize the voice. In that moment, everything was a blur.

And then, everything went black.

EPOV

When I got downstairs the next morning, and once again found Bella in the kitchen, I had no idea how to act around her. We had shared something last night, of that I was certain, but I wasn't sure what. I was confused, to put it mildly, and the fact that Emmett was already there - talking to her through a mouthful of food - didn't exactly help.

_What the fuck were they talking about? And why was she smiling at him like that?_

But then she turned her attention away from Emmett, and started talking to me. Of course, I didn't get the chance to say anything before Emmett had to open his fucking mouth. Normally, I would have come up with some sarcastic remark, but I merely threw a 'fuck off' at him and focused on my coffee.

Emmett wouldn't give up, though, and I found it harder and harder to control my temper. That was when I noticed the expression on Bella's face; she clearly wasn't impressed by Emmett's stupid ass comments about me. If anything, she seemed upset by the whole thing.

In fact, Bella made a show of simply ignoring Emmett, and instead walked over to the kitchen counter. A moment later, she offered me a plate of food. "Omelette?"

I was pretty sure she didn't miss the stunned look on my face, but I just couldn't help myself. However, I quickly covered up my surprise at her gesture, and only hesitated for a few seconds before I moved to take the plate from her, making sure our fingers wouldn't touch. "Thank you," I mumbled, before I made my way over to the kitchen table and sat down, as far away from Emmett as possible.

As I ate in silence, I was vaguely aware of Bella getting up and moving towards the fridge. I tried to keep focusing on my food, but I finally couldn't take it anymore, so I put my fork down and turned my attention to Bella.

What was it about her that made me react like this? What made her so different from everyone else? Suddenly I noticed that she was staring at me, and silently cursed myself for forgetting to be discreet in my observation. Emmett just kept eating, oblivious to our silent interaction, and for that I was grateful.

That was when Bella dropped the glass she was holding, and it scattered in a million pieces. Emmett and I jumped up at the same time, while Bella's cheeks turned bright red and she stuttered an apology. Before I even realized I had moved, I was already next to her. "I got it."

She started babbling, nervously, "No, it's okay; it was my fault, I'll just..." As we both reached for the same piece of glass, Bella's hand brushed against mine, and I instantly pulled back, although I had to admit it was more out of habit than anything else.

My mind was a bit occupied at the moment, so it wasn't until later that I would reflect on the fact that someone had just touched me, and I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by repulsion.

Our eyes met, and we just stared at each other, neither of us able to look away. Then everything happened really fast. Bella gasped, softly, and I saw that she had accidentally cut herself. I was about to ask if she was okay, when her eyes widened in alarm and her face turned slightly green. The next thing I knew, her body swayed, dangerously, and her eyes rolled back into her head.

"Bella?" I didn't have time to think as I caught her limp body in my arms, the second before she would have hit the floor. Reaching out a trembling hand towards her pale face, I then tensed up and pulled back, suddenly getting the irrational feeling that if I touched her, she might break. Because Bella had never looked more fragile to me than she did in that moment.

It scared the fuck out of me.

Emmett was suddenly crouching next to me and Bella, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Did she just... faint?" I ignored him as I kept staring helplessly at Bella, at a loss for what to do. He went on, the doubt evident in his voice, "I thought chicks only did that in movies." He started to sound a little nervous.

Finally I managed to snap out of it. Gently lowering Bella to the floor, I then turned to holler over my shoulder, "Carlisle!"

It felt like hours passed, but in reality, it couldn't have been more than ten seconds before I heard the clomping sound of feet, running down the stairs, and Carlisle barged through the door, followed by Esme. "Edward?" He sounded worried. "What...?" Then he noticed Bella on the floor, with me and Emmett hovering above her. "What happened?" He hurried over to us.

Quickly jumping up and backing away, I shook my head, feeling like the room was spinning. Then I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "I don't know. She just..."

"I think it was the blood," Emmett offered as he got to his feet as well. "She saw it, and just... passed out." He sounded almost fascinated. I glared at him.

"Could someone please get me a wet towel?" Carlisle reached for Bella's slim wrist and checked her pulse. Emmett hurried across the room, while I remained frozen on the spot.

Esme walked up behind us, a worried look on her face. "Oh, dear. Is she all right?"

"Her pulse is nice and steady." Carlisle carefully let go of Bella's hand, then turned to look at me. "Did you happen to see if she hit her head?"

"Huh?" I looked at him, blankly. Then I shook my head to clear it, firmly telling myself to start paying attention. "No. I caught her before she hit the floor. She didn't..." My voice trailed off as Carlisle blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Nothing." He quickly looked away, nodding in thanks as he took the wet towel from Emmett, and gently started dabbing Bella's forehead. Then he looked up, his eyes searching mine. "Well done." I just shrugged, having no idea how to respond to that.

"What's going on?" Alice chose that moment to enter the kitchen, Rosalie in tow. Her eyes widened comically as she spotted Bella, unconscious on the floor. "Bella?! Oh my God!"

"Is she okay? What happened?" Rosalie demanded, although I didn't miss the concern in her voice. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who felt protective about this girl. However, should the bitch decide to blame this on me as well, I didn't think I could be hold responsible for my actions.

"Bella? Can you hear me?" Carlisle spoke softly, smiling when Bella let out a weak groan. He turned to look at us over his shoulder. "She'll be perfectly fine. Would someone get a glass of water?"

I started towards the sink, but Alice beat me to it. She then sat down on the floor next to Bella with the glass in her hand, gently patting her friend's cheek. "Bella? Come on, sleepy-head, wake up." As Bella's eyes finally fluttered open, Alice let out a squeal, exclaiming, "There you are!"

Bella blinked in confusion, and I found myself stepping closer. I needed to see for myself that she was okay. As Alice and Carlisle helped her to sit up, her eyes darted around the room. "Um, what happened?"

"I think you passed out." Alice glanced over her shoulder before she went on, "Jeez, Bella, you scared us all half to death!" Closing her eyes for a moment, Bella mumbled something, and Alice leaned a little closer. "What?"

"God, this is so embarrassing." Bella struggled to get up, and Alice hurried to help her. "Really, I'm okay." She ducked her head.

Carlisle smiled. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. We're all just glad you're all right." He paused. "But I have to insist for you to take it easy for the rest of the day. In fact, I think I should call your father-"

"No!" Bella's eyes widened. "I mean, there's no need to get Charlie all worked up over nothing." She bit her lip. "Maybe someone could just give me a ride home? I'll make sure to get plenty of rest."

"Yeah, sure, I-" Rosalie started.

I cut her off, the words being out of my mouth before I realized it was me who had spoken, "I'll take you." Then I froze dead in my tracks. _What the fuck?!_ The room had suddenly become so silent you could hear a pin drop. I cringed when I felt everyone's eyes on me.

"That's very generous of you, Edward." Esme smiled, although she sounded somewhat uncertain. Alice just stared at me, not quite able to hide the doubtful look on her face.

Rosalie didn't even try. Her eyes narrowed. "Yeah, right." She let out a snort and turned to Bella. "I don't mind. If you'll get your stuff, I'll go start the car."

I glared at Rosalie, more than a little pissed off by her obvious dismissal of my offer, and stated in a cold voice, "I said, I'll fucking take her." That was when I saw how Bella's eyes went from Rosalie to me, and I could tell that she was uncomfortable by the situation. So I held my breath, waiting for her rejection.

What the hell was I thinking? Why couldn't I just have kept my mouth shut? I just wanted to be left alone, and now, the fucking questions would never end.

_Why wouldn't the floor just open up and swallow me?_

I watched in disbelief how Bella stepped away from Alice, and hesitantly walked over to me. "I'd like that. Thank you."

At first, I just stared at her, dumbfounded. Then I snapped out of the shock and cleared my throat. "Right. Let's go, then," I mumbled. Before anyone could object, I spun around and rushed out of the room, desperate to get away. I didn't wait to see if Bella would follow, but silently prayed that she would.

What the fuck had I just gotten myself into?


	10. Chapter 10

BPOV

I was surprised, to say the least, when Edward offered to take me home, but I wasn't stupid enough to let this opportunity pass. Of course, the fact that I had just embarrassed myself in front of his entire family also played a part in my eagerness to get out of there, but I would be lying if I said the idea of spending more time alone with Edward wasn't my number one reason for accepting his offer.

To tell the truth, I had never enjoyed being the center of attention in any way. And now, everybody was staring at me like they were expecting me to sprout horns or something. As Edward practically ran out of the kitchen, I took a deep breath and turned to Carlisle and Esme. "Um, thank you, for everything." Then I glanced at Alice. "Alice, I'll talk to you later?" She just nodded, looking at me with large eyes.

I forced myself to walk out of the room, slowly, instead of running, carefully putting one foot in front of the other, so I wouldn't fall down. As soon as I was out of everyone's sight, I practically flew up the stairs to get my stuff, hoping that Edward wouldn't get tired of waiting for me. Then I left the house as calmly as I could, resisting the urge to bounce up and down and giggle, like a crazy person.

Maybe I could blame my irrational behavior on my traumatic experience in the kitchen. After all, I did lose consciousness for a couple of minutes.

Ugh!

Why did I have to remind myself about how I passed out - in front of Edward - like a little old lady from the fifties? I mean, seriously, who the hell actually fainted these days?

Double ugh!

I found Edward out on the front porch, pacing back and forth while he was smoking a cigarette. He tensed up briefly when he saw me, but quickly covered up and raised an eyebrow. "Ready to go?" I merely nodded, not trusting my voice at the moment, so he tossed the half smoked cigarette to the ground, crushed it under his boot, and headed for the silver Volvo parked in the driveway.

I followed him without a word.

Instead of simply jumping into the drivers seat, like I had expected, Edward stepped over to the passenger side and held the door open for me to enter. My eyes widened slightly, but I wisely chose not to make any comments. However, the annoying voice inside my head was squealing with delight.

Gorgeous, _and_ a gentleman!

_Careful, Bella,_ I firmly told myself. _There's a lot more to him than that, and you know it._

So I settled for giving him a grateful smile, mumbled a soft 'thank you', and quietly slipped into the passenger seat, waiting for Edward to close the door, walk around the car and get in.

After I had given Edward the directions to my house, he backed the car out of the driveway, and I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. This was it. Edward and I were alone; there was just the two of us, in his car. For the next ten minutes or so, he would have no choice but to make conversation with me.

Or so I thought.

When we got out on the main road, Edward still hadn't said a word, and I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Why wasn't he saying anything? Did he regret offering to give me a ride home? As he just kept driving in silence, I let out a defeated sigh and slumped back into my seat.

My sigh must have caught his attention, because he finally threw a glance in my direction. "What's wrong?"

I gave him an incredulous look. Was he serious? Edward just looked at me, blankly, so I shook my head in irritation. "You tell me."

He turned his attention back to the road. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't," I muttered, sarcastically.

Things were definitely not going the way I had hoped. Frustrated about Edward's behavior - not to mention the fact that I was still starving, since I hadn't gotten the chance to finish my breakfast before I left - it was safe to say that my patience was quickly running out. "You know what? Since this was obviously a mistake, why don't you just stop the car? I can walk the rest of the way."

"What?" Edward turned to look at me, his face a mixture of hurt and disbelief. "If you think getting into the car with me was a fucking mistake, why the hell did you agree in the first place?"

"No, that's not what I meant." I spoke slowly, determined to keep my voice calm. "_You're_ clearly the one who thinks this is a mistake, not me."

I could see how his expression changed. Suddenly, he looked angry. "So, you're an expert on my fucking thoughts, now? What, you can read my mind?"

"No." I glared at him. "But I wish I could. Then I might be able to talk to you without constantly being afraid of accidentally saying something that will make you snap at me!"

I watched how his face fell. "Is that how you feel?" He spoke in an uncertain voice, once again turning away from me.

"Sometimes," I admitted. When he didn't say anything else, I bit my lip. "Could you please pull over for a moment?"

His hands only gripped tighter around the steering wheel. "Why?"

"Because you're going a little too fast, and it's making me anxious." I blinked away a few tears. It was only half the truth, though. I also wanted to be able to talk to Edward without him using the traffic as an excuse to avoid looking at me, but I wasn't about to tell him that.

I let out the breath I had been holding when Edward finally took his foot off the gas, causing the car to slow down. Then, much to my surprise, he actually pulled the car over to the side of the road and stopped. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It's okay. Thank you for stopping." I swallowed. For a moment, we both just sat there in silence. Then I glanced at him. "So you're _not_ having second thoughts about taking me home?"

The startled expression on his face reminded me of a dear caught in the headlights. Although, to his credit, he looked straight at me when he finally responded. "No."

Well, that was a relief. I managed a small smile. "Good." Hesitating for a moment, I then went on, "So, friends, then?"

Edward just looked at me, then quickly averted his eyes. I could tell that he was feeling uncomfortable, although I couldn't figure out why. I suddenly realized it was always like this with Edward; one tiny step forward, and two steps back. And it was really starting to bother me. I was tired of constantly having to walk on eggshells around him, when I didn't even understand why.

So, I decided to just stop beating around the bush, once and for all.

I shifted a little in my seat, so I could look at him without having to turn my head. "Listen, Edward, I know we haven't known each other very long, but..." I felt my cheeks flush, much to my dismay. But I forced myself to go on. "I kinda like being around you. I like talking to you. And I..." I lowered my eyes as I finished, "...need to know if you feel the same way."

He was silent for so long, I feared that he simply wouldn't answer. But I couldn't take my words back, even if I wanted to. I had to know.

Finally he spoke up, almost too quietly for me to hear, "I do."

"Thank God!" I was unable to keep the relief out of my voice. Normally, I would have been embarrassed, but for once, I didn't care. So I hadn't just been imagining things. There really _was_ something there. So what if I didn't understand it. Edward felt it too.

Now, seeing how he watched me with an almost curious look on his face, I forced myself to calm down. "I mean, that's good, right?" Edward mumbled something I couldn't make out. I took a deep breath. "Can't we just... hang out?"

He frowned, suddenly finding something very interesting on the floor below his seat. "I don't 'hang out'," he finally muttered.

"Well, you could." I didn't want to let Edward's discouraging words put a damper on my mood; the guy had just admitted that he liked my company. Maybe not in that many words, but still. "You could hang out with me." When all I got in response was silence, I shoved my hands down into the pockets of my jacket. "If you want to," I finished weakly, once again feeling self-conscious.

"Why?" My eyes shot up to meet his, and I suppose he must have seen my crestfallen expression, because he hurried on, "I mean, why would you wanna do that?" Seeing my confusion, he added, "Hang out with me."

I stared at him, not sure what he meant. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Bella, you don't know me. I'm not..." He let out a sigh, obviously having a hard time to find the right words, and I could tell that he was starting to become frustrated. "Look, I'm not the type of guy you'd wanna be friends with." I opened my mouth to object, but he cut me off, "I'm bad, all right?"

Swallowing, I shook my head, slowly. "Who told you that?"

"What?" Edward stared at me, his face a mixture of confusion and alarm.

I held his gaze, refusing to look away. "Who made you think you're bad?" When he didn't answer, just kept looking at me, I reached out to put my hand on his arm. "Edward?"

He snatched his arm away, and I felt like screaming as he scooted backwards until he had backed up against the door, as far away from me as he could possibly get inside of the car. "I told you; don't fucking touch me!" His voice was trembling, slightly.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, dammit!" I cried, beyond frustrated. Edward just continued watching me, his face blank. I inhaled, shakily, silently counting to five before I went on, "Edward, listen to me. Whoever told you that was wrong, or lying. You're not bad."

Edward let out a bitter laugh, then turned the car key around and started the engine. "You don't fucking know me," he muttered as he maneuvered the car back into the traffic.

My hands gripped at the seat when Edward stepped on the gas, but I remained silent, trying not to panic. A part of me was relieved when he pulled up outside my house a couple of minutes later and turned off the engine. Another part didn't want to leave the car until I had gotten some answers. And more importantly; fixed whatever I had done wrong.

I glanced at Edward. He seemed a little calmer, but he kept looking straight ahead through the windscreen, refusing to meet my eyes, and I started to suspect that he simply waited for me to get out of the car. I stubbornly remained in my seat. For almost a minute, we just sat there, both waiting for the other to make a move. Finally he let out a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Why won't you leave?" He spoke in a low voice, and I got the feeling he wasn't just talking about leaving the car.

"I don't want to," I admitted, quietly. Then I lowered my eyes. "And I don't think you really want me to, either." I held my breath, wondering if I had stepped over the line.

"It doesn't matter what I want," Edward whispered, almost like he was talking to himself.

I frowned. "Of course it does. Why would you say that?"

"Bella..." Edward clenched his fists, then patted his pockets, and it took a moment before I realized he was looking for his cigarettes. "I don't know what you want from me," he admitted, clearly frustrated.

My hands were itching to reach out to him, take his hand and hold it between mine. But I wasn't that stupid. "I just wanna be your friend." That wasn't the whole truth, of course, but I knew I had to start somewhere. Right now, I would gladly settle for just being his friend.

That was, if he would let me.

My heart sank when he shook his head, although somewhat hesitantly. "It's better if we're not."

"Better for _who_?" I demanded, incredulously. "Maybe you should've thought of that _before_ you offered to give me a ride home! Before you had to be all... _sweet_, and dazzling me by holding the door open for me!"

Okay, I realized I was being irrational. But I was also desperate.

Now he stared at me like I had gone crazy. I couldn't blame him. "I _dazzle_ you?! What the fuck does that even mean?" I opened my mouth, but he wasn't finished. "Look, I said it's better if we're not friends. I didn't say..." He mumbled something.

"What?" I suddenly didn't dare to look at him.

It was Edward's turn to take a deep breath. He kept his head down as he repeated his words, quietly, "I didn't say I don't want to."

All of the sudden, my hands were shaking. "What does that mean?" I managed to whisper.

He slowly raised his head. "It means that I'm tired of trying to stay away from you."

I felt light-headed, like I was going to pass out again. "Then don't." He didn't respond, and I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. "I should probably get inside." I paused. "Do you wanna come in?"

Edward gave me a somewhat startled look, then shook his head. "I can't."

"Okay." I swallowed, struggled with the seat belt and prayed that he wouldn't hear the disappointment in my voice.

"It's not you, all right?" Edward ran his hand through his hair, almost nervously. "I just..." He hesitated. "There's something I have to do."

"Right. Yeah." I waved my hand in dismissal. "You don't have to explain. I understand."

He watched me closely, like he was trying to figure out if he had upset me. I suddenly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As I opened the door, I cast a final look at him over my shoulder. "You know, if you want, you could stop by when you're done with... whatever it is you're gonna do."

Seeing the uncomfortable look on his face, I shook my head, deciding to stop humiliating myself like this. "Or I'll just see you at school on Monday. Whatever. Thanks for the ride." With that, I practically flew out the car, closing the door behind me before he would get a chance to stop me.

Or, in all honesty, I was more afraid to find that he _wouldn't_ try to stop me.

A moment later, the Volvo was gone, along with Edward. And I instantly felt like a part of myself was missing.

Charlie was sitting by the table, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper. He looked up when I entered the room. "You're home early," he stated.

I frowned. "Sorry. I could leave again if you want."

He lowered the paper, a surprised - and somewhat hurt - look on his face. "That's not what I meant."

"I know, Dad. I was just kidding." I went over to the fridge and looked inside, hoping to find something edible. Picking up an apple, I noted that I would have to do some grocery shopping within the next couple of days.

"Oh." Charlie was quiet for a moment before he cleared his throat. "I had a friend of mine looking at your truck. He managed to fix it temporarily, but he said you should probably take it to the workshop and have a real mechanic take a look at it." He paused. "You know, if you want a vehicle that is a bit more... reliable, I'll be happy to help you find something. If it's about money, I could-"

I sighed, because this was not the first time we were having this conversation. "Thanks, Dad, but that won't be necessary. I like my truck, and I have no intention of replacing it any time soon."

Charlie didn't look pleased. "Well, it's not exactly safe," he muttered. "If it keeps breaking down-"

"Dad, my mom gave me that truck, and I'm keeping it." I cut him off, the tone of my voice leaving no room for discussion. Charlie looked a little taken aback, but wisely nodded in acceptance. I took a bite of my apple, hoping that he would change the subject.

He did, much to my relief. "So, did you have a good time with Alice?"

I nodded, putting on a strained smile. "Yeah. It was great. And their house is amazing." I hesitated a little. "Dad, how well do you know the Cullen's?"

"Why?" He looked a little suspicious.

"Oh, I'm just curious." I shrugged in an attempt to act nonchalant.

Charlie got up and walked over to the sink with his empty cup, rinsing it briefly before putting it upside-down in the dish stand. "The Cullen's are good people. Carlisle is a brilliant surgeon; we're lucky to have him. Apparently, aside from the two months he spent working at the hospital in Chicago a few years back, he hasn't had a day off in all the years he's been working here."

I was a little surprised; Charlie usually wasn't much for making speeches. "Carlisle seems really nice. Esme too."

"They are." Charlie nodded in confirmation. "And as for the kids, well, they've never given me any trouble, which is more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations."

I raised an eyebrow. "So they're not originally from around here? That explains why I don't remember them." I used to spend the summers here in Forks as a kid. But that was a long time ago.

"No, they used to live somewhere in Alaska before they moved down to Forks," Charlie explained. "But I wouldn't call them new folks; they have been living here for almost ten years now." A pause. "Well, except for the youngest boy, of course. Edward."

"Right." I bit my lip, wondering how much Charlie knew. "I heard he's adopted."

He nodded. "That's right." I waited for him to elaborate, but - to my disappointment - he didn't. Instead he just looked at his watch and mumbled something about a basketball game on TV. Then he hurried out of the room, leaving me with more questions than ever.

What happened to Edward before he was adopted by the Cullen's? What was up with his never-ending mood swings? Why had he told me that he was tired of trying to stay away from me, when in the next moment, he couldn't get away fast enough.

Would I ever get any answers to my questions?


	11. Chapter 11

EPOV

As soon as Bella was out of the car, I stepped on the gas and drove off with one single thought in mind; to get as far away as I could, as quickly as possible, and not looking back. The last part was the hardest. It was also the most important. Because if I would cast one single look in the rear-view mirror and see Bella standing there on the sidewalk, I didn't think I would be able to leave.

And I had to.

This wasn't going according to my original plan at all. Bella was already getting way too close; inch by inch, she was slowly working her way into my bruised and battered heart, and it was bound to end badly. The closer she got, the bigger was the risk of me getting hurt.

I wasn't worried about Bella hurting me physically, of course, but there were other ways. She seemed so eager for me to trust her, and I just couldn't. Or, to be more accurate; I couldn't _allow_ myself to trust her. Over the years, I had come to the painful realization that the only person in life you could really rely on was yourself. As long as I would remember that, I would be safe.

Safe, and dead on the inside.

It wasn't fair. I had to go through life, every day, watching the happy couples around me. Carlisle and Esme. Alice and Jasper. Hell, even Emmett and Rosalie. They were all so fucking happy, in love, and it just sickened me. To them, life was easy. Pleasant. As long as they were together, everything was right in the world. Their fucking love was all that mattered. And I resented them for it.

Even more so, I resented myself, for feeling that way. For not being able to look at any of them without getting completely overwhelmed by the emotions I could see swimming in their eyes. Every loving look they gave each other, every affectionate word spoken between them, every innocent caress, it was all like a fucking slap in the face to me.

A part of me wanted to hate them, simply for their ability to love, to be capable of feeling something other than shame and self-loathing.

Because I wanted that, too. I wanted it so badly it tore me apart.

I didn't need anybody. I just wanted to keep to myself and be left alone, at a safe distance from the outside world. That was the message I had been sending out for as long as I could remember. I had truly believed it, and made sure everyone else did as well.

_Don't let anyone in, and you'll be safe. Simple as that._

Except that nothing was simple anymore. Not since the day Bella Swan had literally stumbled into my pathetic, fucked up life.

Bella with her kind eyes, her beautiful smile, her extreme clumsiness, and her dangerously tempting promises of a friendship that I hadn't asked for. Nor did I deserve it.

_"You could hang out with me. I just wanna be your friend."_

I had tried to push her away, and still, she stubbornly kept sticking around. Sort of like Alice. And I kept telling myself that I didn't need any of that. But in reality, I just didn't _want_ to need anything. Or any_one_. Because the moment I would let myself depend on others, the moment I would let my guard down, that was the moment I would fall. And I knew that no one would be there to catch me.

_"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you,"_ I had told her.

Truer words had never been spoken. And yet, they meant nothing. Because no matter what I felt when I was around Bella, no matter how curious I was about her, no matter how badly a part of me longed to get to know her, I knew without doubt that should she ever find out the truth about me, she would look at me with horror and disgust.

She would be appalled, repulsed by my very presence. And then she would walk away.

Aside from the numerous counselors I had been sent to over the years, Carlisle and Esme were the only people here in Forks who knew the whole story about my past, the humiliating details of what James had repeatedly done to me when I was a kid. Now I recalled the serious look on Carlisle's face, how he had looked me straight in the eyes, and asked for my permission to fill Alice and Emmett in on what I had been through.

Obviously, he thought it would make them understand me better. I had been eleven at the time, and Carlisle had just brought me back home to Forks with him.

_"Edward? Would you please look at me, son?" Carlisle addressed me from across the room, making sure not to invade my personal space by coming any closer. Still, I had to struggle against the instinct to wince every time he opened his mouth to speak.___

_I had been keeping my head downcast and my arms wrapped protectively around my body, and now felt myself involuntarily shrinking back into the couch as I reluctantly obeyed.___

_Carlisle watched me silently for a moment, before he quietly spoke up again, "Esme is aware of what happened to you. I hope you understand why I can't keep something of such a major importance from her?"___

_I lowered my eyes, not able to bring myself to respond. So I merely nodded.___

_He hesitated briefly, and then went on, "Alice and Emmett, on the other hand, have only been told that you come from an abusive home. However, naturally, they both have a lot of questions, and I want to ask you if it would be okay for me to tell them a little more."___

_I swallowed hard, forcing myself to open my mouth and let the words out, my voice barely more than a whisper, "If I say no, will you send me back to Chicago?"___

_"What? No!" He must have seen how I flinched, because he immediately lowered his voice. "Of course not. Edward, this is your home now. Nothing is going to change that. Do you hear me?" I nodded again, feeling tears stinging in my eyes. ___

_Carlisle cleared his throat. "The decision is completely yours, and I will respect it. You can agree to let me tell them, or not. But I have to be honest; I believe it will help for them to understand where you're coming from." When I didn't answer, he asked, softly, "What do you say?"___

_I finally glanced at him, silently pleading for him to understand. "I don't want them to know."___

_He sighed, but nodded in acceptance. "Very well. But I hope that, some day, you will feel comfortable enough to talk to your brother and sister about your past."___

_I just shrugged, knowing it wasn't likely to happen._

It took months before I finally realized that Carlisle was a man who stayed true to his words. As he promised, he never told them a single word, although sometimes, I could swear that Alice just knew. Don't ask me how. It was just something about the way she was acting around me, like she saw something that others couldn't.

Emmett, on the other hand, had always been completely oblivious. He was about a year and a half older than me, and I knew I was a huge disappointment to him. At first, he had been really excited about getting a 'brother', but it didn't take him long to figure out that the two of us couldn't possibly be any more different.

I just couldn't find it in me to care about any of the stuff that was obviously a big deal to other boys in my age. Like sports. Video games. And, of course, girls. I remembered a particular incident that took place a couple of months after I had turned twelve, and had been told to let Emmett know that dinner was ready. So, I went upstairs to knock on his door...

_The door swung open, and I practically stumbled into the room. Emmett's face lit up when he saw me. "Come in and close the door. You've gotta see this!"___

_His room was dark, and I noticed that all the blinds were down. Emmett slumped down on the floor, in front of the TV, and gestured for me to come closer. I hesitated by the door. "What are you doing?"___

_He turned to look at me, his face a little flushed, and grinned widely. "I'll show you. It's awesome!" A pause. "But don't even think about telling Mom and Dad, or I'll kill you." I swallowed, and nodded in agreement.___

_Emmett looked pleased by my reaction, and turned back to the TV. He picked up the remote and turned on what I assumed was a movie. It was. Only not the kind of movie I had ever seen. My eyes widened in disbelief as I turned to look at the screen.___

_I could see a man and a woman. They were both naked, lying close together in a huge bed with red sheets. Suddenly the woman sat up, reached for something on the floor, and then tied the man's hands together behind his head while she whispered something in his ear.___

_Then she straddled his legs, and began to lick his chest. When the man groaned, loudly, she shifted a little, and started sucking on his...___

_I stared at Emmett, who was sitting with his face mere inches from the TV screen, his eyes wide with fascination. He threw a brief look in my direction, and laughed excitedly. "Isn't it cool?"___

_As I glanced at the scene again, I felt my stomach turn. The next thing I knew, I vomited all over the floor._

When Esme found out what happened, she had a fit. Emmett got grounded for two weeks, and naturally, he blamed me for getting him in trouble with his mother. That was the last time Emmett willingly invited me into his room. After that day, he rarely spoke to me unless he had to.

Suddenly my cell phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me in my memories. I pulled it out, cast a quick look at the display, and flicked it open with a sigh. "Yeah?"

"Hi, Edward, it's me." Esme sounded a little nervous, although I couldn't figure out why. She continued, "How's Bella?"

I frowned. Why would she ask...? Then I mentally slapped myself, an image of Bella's pale, slack face as she lay motionless in my arms flashing through my head.

Right. Bella had passed out in the kitchen, less than an hour ago. I had insisted on taking her home. And I hadn't even asked her how she was feeling. Instead, I had nearly scared her to death by driving like a fucking maniac.

Did I mention that I was screwed up? Fuck!

"Um, she seemed okay when I dropped her off," I mumbled into the phone, feeling like the lowest creature on the planet. To my defense, I wasn't used to looking out for others. Hell, I usually didn't even care. It was easier that way.

"Oh, that's good." Esme was clearly relieved. "I was worried about her. She seems like such a sweet girl, don't you think?"

I mentally groaned. "Look, Esme, I'm driving; I can't really talk right now." It was a lie, of course. I had no problem with driving and talking at the same time. But that was the only excuse I could come up with at the moment. The truth was, I just really didn't feel like having that particular conversation now.

Who was I kidding? If it was up to me, we would never be having that conversation.

"Of course, I understand. But I wanted..." I heard how Esme hesitated for a moment, and realized that her concern about Bella hadn't been her only reason for calling me. I should've figured. Holding back a sigh, I waited for her to go on. I knew exactly what was coming.

"Edward, I just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten your appointment today." There it was.

Realizing I had just been driving around in circles, I rolled my eyes and pulled over to the side of the road. "I haven't," I muttered, reluctantly.

How could I forget? Same thing, every fucking week.

"Good. Look, I don't mean to sound patronizing. Really, Edward, I just..."

Yeah, I knew; she just happened to care. But I wished she wouldn't feel obligated to care about me.

_Because I didn't deserve it._

"Hello, Edward." Dr. Clearwater smiled as I entered her office, about an hour later. "How are you?"

"Fine," I responded, as usual. Then I raised a brow and added, sarcastically, "How are you?"

As always, she ignored my mocking remarks. "I'm good, thank you, although it's been quite a hectic week. What about you? Has anything interesting happened since last time I saw you?"

Slumping down on her couch, I briefly considered my options. I had gone through this torture enough times to know that I could play along; start babbling about something completely irrelevant, just to pass the time until my hour was up and I would be able to leave. Keeping her from asking her fucking questions, which we both knew I wasn't going to answer, anyway.

I had done it before. But today, I wasn't in a mood. So I simply shook my head. "No."

"Oh." Her smile faltered a little, but she didn't fool me; I knew she wasn't about to give up that easily. I was right. "What about the rest of the weekend? Do you have any plans?"

Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I shook my head again and folded my arms across my chest. "When do I ever?"

"All right." Dr. Clearwater watched me for a moment, then rose from her office chair and walked around the desk, her face suddenly serious. "I'll cut the small talk, since you're clearly not up for it." A pause. "Did your... I mean, did Carlisle tell you that he and I spoke on the phone yesterday?"

She knew better than referring to him as my father, which I knew had been on her tongue.

Doing my best to ignore her almost-slip, I suddenly recalled last night, when I had run into Carlisle outside the house, and he had started bringing up my next therapy session. Of course, I didn't give him a chance to finish. Now I gave Dr. Clearwater a suspicious look, waiting for her to continue.

All of the sudden, I got the sinking feeling that I wouldn't like what she had to say.

Clearly pleased to have my full attention, she started explaining. "As you know, I'm not allowed to - and will not - discuss what we talk about in this room with anyone outside. But Carlisle was having some concerns, and he felt it urgent to voice his opinion."

I remained silent, holding my breath.

Dr. Clearwater sighed. "Edward, I want to ask you something, and I'd like for you to answer. Over the last six years, counting me, how many different counselors have you been seeing?"

I just looked at her, blankly. Opening my mouth, I then closed it again. Finally I shrugged. "Can't remember. Why?"

She was quiet for a moment. "You have been seeing me once a week, for almost four months now. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that it haven't been your choice to come here. But I have to ask you; do you feel like these sessions are just a waste of your time?"

_Yes. Fuck, yes!_

When I didn't respond, she went on. "I want to help you, Edward. But you won't let me."

_That's because you can't. Face it, Doc; no one can._

"So, I'm going to give you a choice." I gave her a questioning look, not understanding where she was going. Dr. Clearwater looked me right in the eyes as she clarified, "You can walk out of here today, not having to come back. If you honestly feel that keep coming here won't give you anything, then I will explain to Carlisle that it's not working out. He'll understand."

At first, I just stared at her in disbelief. Was this a joke? Judging by her expression, she was dead serious. As I allowed the meaning of her words to sink in, I couldn't stop the bitter laugh from bubbling up inside me.

I was so fucked up, even the shrink considered me a lost case. How ironic was that? I hadn't asked for her help in the first place, and I sure as hell didn't want it.

_But wasn't it her fucking job to at least keep trying?_

"Edward?" She looked a little taken aback by my reaction. "Would you please tell me what you're thinking right now?"

Slowly getting up from the couch, I shook my head. "What's the point? I'm not your fucking patient anymore."

Ignoring her objections, I left Dr. Clearwater's office without looking back once.

"Edward?" Carlisle appeared at the top of the stairs the moment I entered the house, and I got the feeling he had been listening for my car, just waiting for me to come home. He hurried down and made his way over to me. "Are you all right, son?"

"Don't call me that," I snapped, automatically. Then I cocked my head to the side. "Did you know you could get fired by a shrink?"

He frowned. "What are you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes and attempted to step past him. "Never mind."

"Wait a minute." He carefully put his hand on my arm, only to quickly remove it when I tensed up and shot him a warning glare. "Please, Edward, can we just talk for a moment? I'd like to know what you meant by 'fired'. I take it things didn't go well at your session?"

"Like you don't know," I grumbled, giving him a hard look. "I bet you've already talked to the almighty doc. She probably called you the moment I was out of the fucking building, seeing how the two of you are obviously such cozy phone buddies."

"Actually..." Carlisle paused, having the decency to look guilty. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

I let out a snort. "Why don't you tell me why you're under the illusion that talking is the fucking answer to everything?"

His face fell, and for a moment, I felt bad. Carlisle didn't deserve any of this crap from me. I squeezed my eyes shut, suddenly feeling a desperate need to break something. The feeling of being a constant failure grew stronger and stronger inside me, and in that moment, I knew I had to leave, or I would say or do something I was bound to regret later.

So I spun around, and bolted out of the house before Carlisle would be able to stop me.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:** Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this story. All the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews!

***~*~***

BPOV

I turned off the engine, and was just about to grab the grocery bag and get out of my truck when the shrill sound of my cell phone stopped me in my tracks. As I checked the caller ID, I held back a sigh. I had been waiting for this. If anything, I was a little surprised that she hadn't called me sooner.

"Hi, Alice."

She huffed. "Don't you 'Hi, Alice' me! I've been worried sick about you. Are you okay? What happened before?"

I rolled my eyes. "Relax, Alice, I'm fine. I accidentally cut my finger, and passed out when I saw the blood. It happens all the time; I've always been a bit of a wuss. It's no big deal."

"Oh. Well, I'm glad you're not seriously hurt." She was quiet for a moment. "Bella, is there something going on between you and my brother?"

I dropped the phone and it slipped under my seat. When I finally managed to reach it, I bumped the back of my head on the steering wheel. Muttering to myself, I cast a look at the display, a part of me hoping the call had been disconnected. But I realized I was not that lucky when I heard Alice yelling into the phone, "Bella? Bella! What are you doing?"

Sighing, I slumped back into the seat, wincing as I rubbed my throbbing head, and reluctantly brought the phone back to my ear. "Sorry. I'm still here. Just dropped the phone." _Please, don't let her ask again, please..._

"Okay. What's the deal with you and my brother?"

_Dammit!_

"Me and Emmett?" I asked innocently, in a weak attempt of playing dumb. "Really, Alice, what would Rosalie say about that?"

Of course, Alice would have none of that. I could hear the frustration in her voice, and almost laughed. "No, not Emmett." She spoke very slowly, like she was talking to a child. Or possibly just trying really hard not to lose her temper. "Stop acting like you don't know what I'm talking about! I wanna know what's going on with you and Edward."

"I have no idea what you mean," I lied, blushing fiercely, and was beyond grateful that she couldn't see my face. God, this was awkward!

Alice was silent for a moment. Finally she spoke up again, sounding a little uncertain, "I saw the look on Edward's face before in the kitchen. He was really worried about you."

My heart skipped a beat, but I was afraid of getting my hopes up. "Alice, I was lying on the floor, at his feet, bleeding like a stuck pig and probably looking half dead. What kind of person _wouldn't_ react to that?" She didn't respond. "Alice?"

"Last night." I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. "You said the two of you were talking."

"So?" Failing to see her point, I suddenly got defensive. "What are you saying, Alice? That I'm not allowed to talk to anyone in your family, aside from you?"

"No! God, Bella..." She let out a deep sigh. "That's not what I meant at all. Look, I'm sorry if I'm coming on a bit strongly about this. It's just..."

"Just what?" I pressed, suddenly fearing that she would tell me to back off, to stay away from Edward. Because no one would want their friends to be interested in their siblings, right? The problem was, if that was the case, I honestly didn't think I could do it. And I would hate to lose Alice as a friend.

It took almost a minute before Alice answered me, and I was starting to get really impatient. Not to mention totally uncomfortable. "I just don't like being kept out of the loop, okay?" she finally admitted. "If there's anything going on with you two, I wanna know about it."

I suppressed a groan. "Alice-"

She cut me off, "I mean, it's not like I'd mind."

_Huh?_

"You wouldn't?" I gasped.

"Of course not." Alice lowered her voice, but I could still hear her next words, "I would be thrilled."

She would? Suddenly I didn't know what to think, and I felt like my head was spinning. Was Alice actually giving me her blessing to spend time with her brother? I shook my head to clear it. Well, too bad Edward obviously didn't seem interested in spending time with me.

But there _was_ something there. I knew I hadn't just imagined the spark I felt between us when our hands accidentally brushed against each other. And the way my heart started beating faster when our eyes met. Edward felt it too; he had admitted so himself. And he was tired of staying away from me.

Whatever that meant. Because if you asked me, he was still doing a pretty good job of staying away.

_Was it completely crazy for me to miss him already?_

Yes. No. Maybe. God, I was so confused! Suddenly I realized that Alice was still talking at the other end, and forced myself to snap out of it and pay attention. "I'm sorry, Alice, I missed the last part. You were saying?"

"I said, you should come over for dinner tomorrow night." Alice sounded excited. "I know Mom and Dad would love to see you again; they really liked you." She paused, and I could hear the smug note in her voice as she continued, "And I'll make sure Edward will be there..."

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to be affected by her obvious enthusiasm. I would get to see Edward again.

Then the bubble burst, and I was thrown back into reality. "And if he doesn't _want_ to be there? Alice, you can't just-"

Alice interrupted me, dismissing my apprehension, "Edward's too stubborn to know what's good for him. He'll be there."

She sounded very sure of herself, and for some reason, it made me angry. Alice had given me the impression that she genuinely cared about Edward, and only had his best interests in mind. But if that was the case, shouldn't his opinion mean something to her? I found myself wondering if Edward's own feelings mattered to _anyone_ in his family.

"Don't bother, Alice. I just remembered that I already have plans for tomorrow night." It was a lie, but hopefully it would get Alice off my back for now. I was pretty sure she meant well; in her own way, she was probably just trying to do her brother a favor, so I couldn't be too mad at her.

But it still wasn't right for her to push Edward into something he might not be up to. No matter how much a part of me wished otherwise, I couldn't fool myself. So, maybe Edward _did_ feel something when he was around me. But he was obviously not ready to act on those feelings, whatever they were.

And I had come to know him well enough to realize that pushing him in any way would only have the opposite effect.

_Too bad the rest of his family doesn't seem to have come to the same conclusion,_ I thought, feeling slightly ill at ease.

"Oh." Alice sounded disappointed. "Some other night, then? Maybe some time next week?" I didn't miss the hopeful tone of her voice, and couldn't help but feel a bit bad for turning her offer down.

"Sure," I mumbled, doing my best to sound reassuring. That was when I absently looked out the window, and spotted Edward standing across the street, looking in my direction. My eyes widened, and I was unable to hold back a gasp. I blinked a few times to make sure it wasn't just a hallucination. But he was still there.

"Look, Alice, I gotta go. I'll call you back later, okay?" Ignoring her objections, I quickly hung up and let the phone slip back down in my pocket. Then I reached for the handle, fumbled with it for a moment before I finally managed to get the door to open, and jumped out of the truck, never taking my eyes away from Edward.

I was afraid that if I did, he would disappear.

When Edward saw me getting out of the car, a look of alarm flashed across his face, and I watched in horror as he took a step back. Suddenly I panicked. "Wait!" I cried out in desperation, rushing towards him while silently praying to whatever gods may be listening that I wouldn't fall down.

But either the gods didn't hear me, or they simply chose to ignore me, because in the next moment, I lost my balance and fell headlong to the ground, just barely managing not to crack my skull open against the hard pavement. However, the tears welling up in my eyes had less to do with the pain, and more with the fact that I had once again embarrassed myself in front of Edward.

What was even worse; my clumsiness had most certainly made me miss my one chance of preventing Edward from taking the opportunity and leave.

"Bella? Are you okay?" He was suddenly standing in front of me, sounding concerned, and I looked up at him through tear-filled eyes, shocked that he was still here. Relief welled up inside me for a brief second. Then I was back to being embarrassed.

"Of course I'm okay, never been better," I grumbled, feeling totally humiliated as I scrambled to my knees. He just looked at me, clearly not convinced, and I rolled my eyes. "What, you never seen a person stumble over something on a flat surface before? I'll have you know, it happens all the time!"

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly upwards. "Somehow, I believe you."

I blinked, suddenly realizing that I had accomplished my mission after all; Edward didn't leave. He wasn't running away from me, at least not for the moment. I made a mental note to myself to trip in front of him more often. Then my mind finally registered the pain, and I grimaced. Maybe not.

"Here, let me..." I thought I saw Edward taking a deep breath before finally reaching out his hand to me. I gave him a suspicious look from where I sat, remembering how he usually shied away from my touch like he feared he might be catching the plague. Then I noticed that his knuckles were red and swollen, covered in dried blood, and I failed to hold back a soft gasp.

Seeing my reaction, Edward followed my gaze, lowered his eyes in shame and let his hand drop to his side, and I silently called myself every bad name I could think of.

_Fix it! Now! Do something!_

Not trusting my voice to hold, I raised a trembling hand towards him, begging him with my eyes to take it. In all honesty, I didn't know what I would do if he didn't. Probably start screaming, or, more likely, crying. And without doubt scare him away for good.

For the longest time, we just stared at each other, and I had completely forgotten that I was still sitting on the ground, possibly bleeding from both my hands and knees. Then I could hear someone inhale, shakily, and it took a moment before I realized it had been me.

"It hurts," I whispered without thinking.

Edward seemed to snap out of it. "What? Where?" he asked, obviously alarmed. I could see how he kept glancing at the hand I was still holding up.

I shook my head, unable to look anywhere but into his green eyes. They looked so sad, almost haunted. "It hurts when you're not around." The second the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was the truth. I didn't know if it was just in my head, but my entire body seemed to have been aching constantly since the moment I stepped out of Edward's car, a few hours ago.

And now, when he was standing a mere foot away from me, I felt almost whole. Almost, but not completely. Because he still hadn't accepted my hand.

His eyes widened at my words. For a moment, he just stared at me in astonishment. He tilted his head to the side as he gazed into my eyes, like he was trying to read my thoughts. "Yeah," he finally whispered, hoarsely. "I know."

Then he took my hand, and gently pulled me up on my feet.

Of course, he let go of me the next second - probably after making sure I'd be able to stand by myself without falling down again - but I could still feel the burning sensation of his fingers wrapped around my hand. "You feel that, too?" I asked, hardly recognizing my own voice. Edward swallowed, visibly. Then he nodded, and I let out the breath I didn't even realize I had been holding.

"Charlie won't be back for hours," I heard myself say before I continued, quietly, "Come inside for a while?" Edward glanced at the house behind us, then turned his eyes back to me. I could see the uncertainty on his face, and bit my lip. "I'll make lunch," I offered, pathetically, and then added a desperate, "Please?"

*~*~*

EPOV

After storming out of the house, I had been wandering aimlessly around town, not giving any thoughts to where I might end up. Stopping briefly at a deserted bus station, where I had beaten the crap out of an innocent lamppost, I had just kept walking until I became aware of my surroundings and realized I had somehow ended up in Bella's neighborhood.

I don't know what possessed me to keep moving forward instead of turning around and heading back in the other direction, but all of the sudden, there I was, standing across the street from her house. Of course, I had no intentions of making my presence known, so when Bella suddenly stepped out of the rusty, old truck I had seen parked in the driveway, I froze dead in my tracks.

_Fuck! Now she would think I was stalking her._

Or maybe not. After all, she _had_ asked me to stop by later. But honestly, I never intended to actually do so. I shouldn't be here. This was wrong. Stupid. Dangerous.

I was falling. And it absolutely terrified me.

Seeing how Bella looked right at me as she reached blindly to close the door behind her, I panicked and started backing away. But, for some reason, her pleading cry for me to wait made me hesitate, and I remained frozen on the spot as she hurried towards me.

The next thing I knew, she stumbled and fell to the ground. And I found myself running towards her.

"Bella?" I knew she couldn't have missed the concern in my voice, but I didn't really care. "Are you okay?" She looked up at me, and there were the tears again.

I was defenseless against those fucking tears.

"Of course I'm okay, never been better," she practically growled. When I gave her a doubtful look, she continued, defensively, "What, you never seen a person stumble over something on a flat surface before? I'll have you know, it happens all the time!"

I tried not to laugh, knowing from experience that she wouldn't appreciate it. Was this girl for real? "Somehow, I believe you."

She just watched me for a moment, and it hit me that she had yet to get up. Then she winced in pain, and I silently cursed myself for just standing there like an idiot. "Here, let me..." I hesitated before I finally held out my hand, taking a deep breath and firmly telling myself that I could do this.

_Come on, you fucking coward! You've touched her before and you can do it again. What are you afraid of? That she might bite your hand off, or break one of your fingers? Get real!_

To my surprise, Bella didn't move. Instead she just gasped, staring at my hand, and I looked down in confusion. That was when I remembered my encounter with the lamppost, and self-consciously let my hand drop.

_She must think I've been in a fight or something. Should've known it was just a matter of time before I managed to scare her off. Maybe it's for the best._

But then she lifted her own hand, reaching out towards me, and I could do little more than just stare at her in wonder. Time seemed to have stopped, and I got a strange feeling of deja vu. Suddenly, I was aware of Bella's lips moving. "It hurts," she breathed, never taking her eyes away from me.

"What?" I blinked, snapping out of the daze and letting my eyes run over her now trembling form, suddenly worried. "Where?"

Bella shook her head, and my eyes were once again locked on hers. "It hurts when you're not around," she mumbled.

Her words startled me, and suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. I stared into her eyes, trying to see something there, some sign that she hadn't meant what she just said. But there was nothing. In a way, that scared me even more. Because I knew what she meant. I felt the same way.

When I was around Bella, it was like a part of me forgot who I was. Like I had found something I didn't even know I was missing. After my run-in with Carlisle, I had felt a desperate need to just get away, as confusion and rage welled over me, threatening to consume me. But now, looking at Bella, my inner storm seemed to have calmed, at least for the moment.

Bella's presence seemed to have a soothing affect on me, although I couldn't for my life understand it. Nor could my brain comprehend how it was possible for her to feel the same thing. I was worthless, damaged, broken. I had absolutely nothing to offer her. And yet, her eyes told me that she was being sincere.

Her words could have been mine. Except that I would never have found the courage to actually voice them.

"Yeah," I finally managed to croak. "I know." I didn't even think as I grabbed Bella's hand and helped her up, staring at her in awe. Her hand was so soft. Warm. And for some reason, it just seemed to fit perfectly in mine. All of the sudden, I felt an almost desperate urge to lean in closer and smell her hair, inhaling her sweet scent.

Then, naturally, reality came crashing down and I realized what I was doing. I immediately dropped Bella's hand. My heart was suddenly beating so hard, I feared it would burst right out of my chest.

Still, I was unable to take my eyes away from her.

"You feel that, too?" Bella whispered, and I swallowed hard before nodding.

I felt it, all right. Whatever it was, I felt it, strongly. So strongly it nearly paralyzed me.

"Come inside for a while?" I suddenly realized that Bella was still talking. My eyes darted hesitantly between her and the house behind us. "I'll make lunch," she offered, biting her bottom lip. "Please?"

It was the last word that did it. When Bella turned her pleading eyes to me, I knew I was lost.

How could I possibly turn her down when she was looking at me like that; like all she wanted in the world was for me to just come with her into her fucking house?

And I wanted to. God, how I wanted to.

_Don't do this. It's not safe._

But what did I have left to lose? My fucking sanity?

_It's not too late to turn back. You don't even have to hurt her feelings, if that's what you're worrying about. Just come up with a believable excuse to why you have to go._

The voice inside my head was pleading with me to run. I had to admit, it was very tempting to just obey; taking the easy way out.

Instead I found myself nodding in agreement. "Okay."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Stephenie owns it all. However, I sometimes borrow a line or two from the books, then twist them a little to make them fit the purpose of the story. Don't sue me! :)

***~*~***

BPOV

"Would you like something to drink? We've got Pepsi. Or I could make some hot cocoa. There's marshmallows. Not the tiny ones, but they're just as good." I realized I was babbling, and felt how my cheeks turned hot. But the fact was, Edward Cullen was currently standing in my kitchen, and I was terrified of accidentally doing something that would make him simply turn around and bolt.

Because I had a disturbing feeling that it wouldn't take much.

When I turned to look at him, I noticed that he had stopped in the middle of the room, by the kitchen counter, appearing to be slightly uncomfortable, but not necessarily looking like he was trying to figure out the safest escape route. I managed to relax a little.

"Pepsi's fine," he answered with a shrug, so I hurried over to the fridge and grabbed two soda cans. Handing one of them to Edward - relieved when he took it from me without hesitation - I then stepped over to the sink and turned the faucet on.

My palms were slightly sore from when I had scraped them on the pavement, but I noted with relief that they weren't bleeding. The last thing I needed was to pass out in front of Edward a second time today. Then again, the day wasn't over yet. With my luck, there would still be plenty of opportunities to further embarrass myself.

I heard a _pssht_ as Edward opened his Pepsi. Considering how nervous I was, I didn't think I'd be able to open my own soda can without either dropping it or spilling the contents all over myself, so I put it down on the sink, deciding to focus on just one task at the time.

Casting a discreet look at Edward over my shoulder, I found myself wondering what had happened to his hand. Although I hadn't gotten a chance to get a closer look, I had still seen enough of his bruised knuckles to suspect it had to be quite painful. I quickly rinsed my hands before picking up a clean dish towel and holding it briefly under the water.

Seemingly lost in his own thoughts, Edward didn't look up as I moved across the room, but I had still expected him to be at least somewhat aware of my approaching him, so his reaction when I timidly patted his shoulder and held up the wet towel in a silent offer came as a total shock to me.

He jumped back in alarm, instinctively squeezing his eyes shut, like he was expecting a blow. I gasped, staring at him with wide eyes as I immediately took a step back. "I'm sorry! I was just... I didn't mean..." I stuttered helplessly, at a complete loss for what to do.

Thankfully, he quickly seemed to snap out of it, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him. His eyes flew open, landing briefly on me, before he ducked his head in shame. My heart was beating fast. "Are you okay?" I whispered, my voice trembling as I was trying to comprehend what had just happened.

He didn't respond. I noticed how his fists clenched and unclenched a few times, and he was breathing hard, but other than that, he stayed silent. "Edward?" I tried again, pleadingly.

"I'm fine," he finally mumbled in a strained voice. He still refused to look at me.

"I'm sorry." I repeated the words, suddenly willing to do anything to remove that haunted expression from his face. As Edward just kept his head down, I silently cursed myself for my stupidity. I should have known better; I knew he obviously didn't like people touching him. But what on earth could possibly have happened to him to cause him to react this way?

I swallowed, hard. "I was just gonna give you this." Edward finally raised his eyes to the wet towel in my hand. I could see his confusion, so I clarified, "Your hand. I just thought you might wanna clean yourself up. I didn't mean to startle you."

He closed his eyes for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Just forget it. I'm sorry. I should just-"

"No!" I cut him off before he could finish the sentence, unable to keep the panic out of my voice. "Don't go! Edward, please, don't go." In that moment, I didn't care how desperate I seemed, as long as he wouldn't leave.

Edward frowned, and he gave me a doubtful look. "You still want me to stay?" I could only nod. "Why?" He sounded incredulous.

"Because..." I felt like my head was spinning as I searched for the right words to stop him, but my mind was suddenly completely blank and I came up with nothing. "I just do. Please?" I mentally rolled my eyes at my inability to come up with a better argument. But I felt Edward slipping away from me, and I had no idea how to get through to him. It absolutely terrified me.

For a moment, he looked more vulnerable than I had ever seen him before. He just looked at me, clearly not knowing what to think. Then his eyes darkened, and I realized with fear that I was losing him.

"Why are you being so fucking stubborn?" he all but snarled, and I could hear the frustration in his voice. "I can't be whatever the hell you want me to be. I can't do anything for you, except hurting you and making your life miserable. Don't you get it, Bella? I'm not good for you. I'm. Fucked. Up!"

I could tell how desperately he was trying to make me back off, to just say 'hell with it', and walk away from this, whatever it was. I also realized that he truly believed his own words. And it made my heart ache for him. That was the moment I knew that - no matter how much Edward would try to convince me otherwise - I wouldn't give up on him. Ever.

So, I slowly shook my head. "I don't believe that. Anyway, I'm willing to take my chances."

"Yeah?" He stared at me, exasperated. "Well, _I'm_ not."

"Why not?" I demanded. "You said you're tired of staying away from me. That's good, because I don't want you to stay away. I wanna know what the problem is."

"Didn't you fucking hear me?" His voice was cold as ice, and I involuntarily shivered. "I'm fucked up. I'll hurt you."

"So you keep saying." I don't know what possessed me to talk to Edward this way, but I couldn't stop myself. Nor did I want to. I needed him to hear what I had to say. So I went on, "But that's not the real problem, is it? That you're afraid of hurting me. It's the other way around."

Edward glared at me, although I could see fear flickering in his eyes. Suddenly, all I wanted was to just hold him and tell him that everything would be all right. But I knew he wouldn't let me. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he muttered.

"I think you do. I think you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about." I took a tentative step towards him, but he stubbornly backed away. I sighed and raised my hands in surrender, indicating that I woud remain where I was. But that didn't mean I was going to let him keep denying the truth. "You're not afraid of hurting me. You're afraid I might hurt _you_. That's what this is really about, isn't it?"

He just stared at me with wide eyes, and I held my breath as I waited for some kind of reaction to my blunt statement. I half expected him to start yelling at me, but he just remained silent, until the point where I couldn't take it anymore. So I spoke up again, looking him right in the eyes, "I won't. I would never hurt you, Edward. You have to believe me."

The intensity of his gaze made my throat tighten, and all of the sudden, I felt like I was drowning. I desperately tried to pull some air into my burning lungs. In that moment, I got the irrational feeling that Edward had me in his thrall, and I would never be able to break free.

Then I found myself questioning my desire to break free in the first place.

"Bella, you..." Edward stopped, running his fingers through his already tousled hair. For a moment, he looked like he was going to cry. "You don't know me," he finally managed to get out, his voice thick with repressed emotion. "You have no fucking clue who I am, or what I've done."

"Then _tell_ me." I knew I was practically begging now. "Whatever it is, I can take it. I promise." He just shook his head, his fingers still tugging on his hair, and I had to fight back a sob of frustration.

Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, Edward turned his face away from me. "I'm bad," he finally stated, quietly, as if he expected those words to be enough to scare me away.

I shook my head in exasperation. "You said so before. I still don't believe you." When I saw that he was about to object, I hurried on, "But, okay, just for the sake of it; try me. What did you ever do that was so horrible?"

Edward frowned. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, a confused expression on his face. "I'm bad," he then repeated, stubbornly, like that would explain everything. His eyes dared me to object.

"No, Edward." I forced myself to keep my voice calm, although I really just wanted to scream. "You already said that. _Why_ are you bad? What did you do?"

"Just let it go," he warned, a threatening - yet almost pleading - note in his voice.

For some reason, I wasn't the least bit intimidated by his hostility. Instead I just repeated the question, softly, "Why are you bad, Edward?" A part of me knew I shouldn't keep pushing him like this. But I was desperate; I didn't know what else to do. I had to make Edward see that he could trust me, that I wouldn't judge him.

That I cared.

"I..." He let out an infuriated groan, obviously not finding the right words. "I don't..." Finally he gave up and simply shrugged, hatred in his eyes as he stared out into the distance. Somehow, I just knew his anger wasn't directed at me as much as himself. And my heart crumbled just a little bit more.

And then his expression changed. Suddenly he looked so miserable that I just wanted to cry. Because, somehow, in that moment, I could feel his pain as if it was my own.

"Edward..." My voice was husky with emotion, and my eyes stung with unshed tears. "It's okay, I'm sorry. Just stay, please. I promise; I'll let it go." It nearly killed me to say those words, because I didn't want to let it go. But I suddenly felt like I didn't have much choice. It had been wrong of me to let things go this far. I had no right to force Edward to talk to me when he so obviously wasn't ready.

It didn't matter how curious I was to learn more about Edward, how desperately I wanted to know what had happened to him, because this wasn't about me. Edward didn't owe me anything. But if I ever wanted him to be able to trust me, _I_ owed it to _him_ to respect his wishes. But I also needed to make him see that I would still be here, no matter what.

"I just want you to know that you can talk to me." My hand was itching to reach out to him, but I forced myself to resist. "Look, I know this is all new, and scary, and doesn't make much sense. And you're right; I don't really know you. But I want to. I meant it when I said I like being around you. And nothing's going to change that. I'm not going anywhere."

Edward watched me for a moment, his eyes still haunted and uncertain. I couldn't blame him. Suddenly I felt horrible. I just wanted him to open up to me, but now I realized that I had been handling the whole situation so terribly wrong. I wanted Edward to feel comfortable around me, but it was painfully obvious that my actions had the opposite effect.

I took a deep breath. "Listen, we can talk about whatever you want. I don't mean to make assumptions, but isn't there something you'd like to know about me? You can ask me anything." I had no idea where the words were coming from. Seeing his hesitation, I quickly added, "And I did promise you lunch."

He raised a brow, eying me somewhat warily. "Like to cook, do you?" he finally asked, quietly. It was clear to me that he was still a bit cautious about my intentions, not sure whether to accept my offer, or simply take off. I prayed that he would just give me a chance to make up for my thoughtless and insensitive behavior.

Otherwise, I would never forgive myself.

I tried to smile, although I'm sure it looked more like a grimace. "Um, yeah, I guess. It's relaxing." Edward gave me a doubtful look. I shrugged. "Although I prefer to bake."

"Right." He nodded, as if something had just occurred to him. "You never got to finish making those cookies last night, did you?" It sounded like he was forcing himself to make conversation.

Was that last night? For some reason, it felt like a lifetime ago. I cringed as I recalled standing in front of Edward in that awful bathrobe.

"No, but that's okay." I rolled my eyes. "I never really wanted them in the first place. I just wanted to escape from Alice and her curling iron." To my utter surprise, Edward let out an amused snort. I blushed. "I don't mean to insult your sister or anything. I mean, I like her a lot, but sometimes, she can be downright scary."

He shrugged. "Yeah, well, she's not really my sister, so..." Then he stopped himself, having obviously not intended to let such a personal detail slip out. Of course, I already knew Edward was adopted, so I wasn't surprised. However, I wished he wouldn't feel like he had to keep things like that from me.

Then again; I couldn't really blame him.

"I know that," I mumbled, unable to lie to him. "I'm sorry; I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean..." My voice trailed off.

For a moment, Edward looked surprised. Then his eyes narrowed, suspiciously. "Really? And what else did Alice tell you about me?"

"Actually..." I was about to tell him not to blame Alice; that it was in fact Emmett who had filled me in on that particular information in the first place, but quickly decided it was probably not a good idea. "...not much, really," I finished, weakly.

Edward watched me closely, not totally convinced. Then he let out a defeated sigh. "Yes, I'm fucking adopted." As I opened my mouth, he raised a hand to stop me. "But we're not talking about me. You said I could ask you anything."

I nodded, both disappointed and relieved at the same time. Since he had brought it up, a part of me just wanted to know more. Still, it seemed like Edward wasn't leaving after all, and that was all that mattered. "Ask away," I encouraged, motioning for the kitchen table. "Um, why don't we make ourselves a bit more comfortable?"

He tensed up and immediately opened his mouth, without doubt about to decline. But, apparently, something stopped him. Instead he silently followed me over to the table, never taking his eyes away from me. My hands were trembling as I pulled out a chair and sat down, watching Edward do the same.

We kept our eyes locked on each other for what felt like hours, but I knew it couldn't have been more than a minute, at the most. Then Edward cleared his throat, and the connection was broken. "What is this?" he finally asked in a raspy voice.

I had a feeling I already knew what he was asking, but I still needed him to clarify. "What do you mean?" I whispered.

_"This,"_ he repeated heatedly, gesturing between the two of us. The tone of his voice indicated that he expected me to have all the answers. I wished he would realize that I was just as lost and confused as he was. But he kept looking at me expectantly, his eyes begging me to explain it to him.

How could I, when I didn't even understand it myself?

All I knew was that I desperately needed to be close to him. I had merely known Edward for a few days, and I had already become addicted to his very presence. My body longed to touch him, even just something as innocently as to simply hold his hand. But that wasn't all; what I felt went beyond that. Nothing seemed clear at first, but as I now allowed myself to get lost in his eyes, a few things became evident.

About three things, I was suddenly positive.

First, something had happened to Edward in the past, something so horrible that he had seen no other option than to retreat into himself and shut the rest of the world out, leaving him emotionally scarred and unable to trust anyone. And it was obvious that whatever happened had resulted in him blaming and hating himself to the point where he simply couldn't understand how someone could possibly see anything good in him.

Second, there was a part of him that felt an attraction towards me, similar to mine. Only he was even more confused and frightened by the whole thing than I was.

And third, I was falling for him, falling so deeply that I couldn't fool myself into thinking that things could ever go back to the way they were before I had met him.

I had known Edward Cullen for mere days. And I was already unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.


	14. Chapter 14

EPOV

I followed Bella into the house with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, because it suddenly hit me how totally fucking normal this would all seem, to anyone except me. A girl inviting a guy into her house; surely it happened all the time, and it was no big deal.

There was that word again; _normal_. To me, the whole situation felt surreal.

Bella led me into the kitchen, where she offered me something to drink. A moment later, I was holding a chilled can of Pepsi in my hand. As Bella turned away from me and headed for the sink, I couldn't help but follow her every movement with my eyes, wondering if she had any idea how strange all of this was for me. A part of me felt really awkward, but at the same time, I was fucking intrigued.

Realizing that I was still staring at Bella's back, I quickly averted my eyes. That was when my mind started wandering.

Although I had always shied away from other people, keeping a safe distance and telling myself that I didn't want any friends, I suddenly found myself playing with the thought of being an accepted part of Bella's life. I had to admit, the idea wasn't totally unpleasant. There was something special about her - aside from the fact that she treated me like a person, instead of a nuisance.

It was pointless to deny the truth; I was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame.

But, as much as she fascinated me, I could also see the danger. If I allowed myself to get too close, I would most likely end up burned. Because sooner or later, Bella would realize that I just wasn't worth the time and effort. If we kept spending time together, she would eventually start asking questions about my past.

I didn't want to lie to her. And I couldn't tell her the truth.

She would be horrified, disgusted. And I didn't think I could survive losing her, once I had let her in and allowed myself to hope. It would hurt too much when she left. Because she would. There was no way she would stick around after learning how weak and pathetic I really was, how I was so unlovable that even my own mother didn't want me.

_"You just never learn, do you, boy?" James' voice was eerily calm as he kept approaching me where I sat, not stopping until our faces were mere inches apart. I nearly gagged when I smelled the reek of alcohol, coming from his breath, but I somehow managed to keep from emptying my stomach right there in front of him. ___

_"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice trembling. "It won't happen again." Of course, I had no idea what I had done, as usual. But I had a sinking feeling I was about to find out. ___

_He pulled back his fist, and I instinctively raised my hands to cover my face. But James was much faster as he grabbed my arm, his fingers digging into my skin. "You keep disobeying the rules," he hissed, his face red with anger. "You're a disgrace and a disappointment to your mother, and you leave me no choice but to punish you."___

_My head snapped back as he slapped me hard across the face, causing tears of pain and humiliation to well up in my eyes. However, I quickly blinked them away. ___

_James went on, mockingly, "But it doesn't matter what I do, because you just never learn. You keep misbehaving, and you can't do anything right." He paused, a cruel smile playing on his lips. "Say it."___

_When I just stared at him, my brain not comprehending what he wanted me to say, he tightened his grip on my arm and yanked me up on my feet, slamming me into the wall behind me. "Say it!" he ordered.___

_I swallowed, nodding as realization finally dawned on me. "I've been bad," I gasped, stumbling over the words in my desperation to get them out fast enough, so he would stop hurting me, at least for the moment. "I'm bad."___

_"Yes, you are," James agreed in a cold voice, his eyes narrowing threateningly. "Say it again..."_

Having been lost in my memories, I never noticed how Bella walked up to me, so when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I leaped backwards in pure panic, closing my eyes in a reflex action as I waited for the pain that didn't come. In the next moment, I heard Bella's soft, yet slightly hysterical voice, stuttering out apologies, and my eyes snapped open.

One look at Bella's face told me that she was shocked by my reaction. She looked at me with large eyes, her mouth opening and closing a few times as she was clearly at a loss for words. Horrified for losing it in front of her like this, I lowered my eyes to the floor, unable to face her as shame and revulsion welled up inside me.

And then she asked me if I was okay. I pressed my lips tightly together, forcing myself to take a couple of deep breaths through my nose, and waited for my heart to stop beating like a fucking sledgehammer inside my chest. I heard Bella saying my name, sounding on the verge of tears, and I finally managed to find my voice. "I'm fine," I lied, my entire body trembling violently.

I should've known coming here was a mistake.

When she held up a towel, and explained in a somewhat shaky voice how she had simply intended to give it to me so I could clean myself up, I felt even more like an idiot. While a part of me realized I owed her at least some kind of explanation for my behavior, the coward in me just wanted to run.

That was when she shocked the hell out of me by pretty much begging me to stay. And - with all the tension building up inside me - I just exploded.

"Why are you being so fucking stubborn?" I practically yelled in her face. "I can't be whatever the hell you want me to be. I can't do anything for you, except hurting you and making your life miserable. Don't you get it, Bella? I'm not good for you. I'm. Fucked. Up!"

Bella just watched me in silence for a moment, showing no sign of being intimidated by my outburst. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just start yelling right back, telling me what an ass I was. Or simply telling me to get the hell out of her house and never speak to her again.

Instead she shook her head, firmly. "I don't believe that. Anyway, I'm willing to take my chances."

I was both frustrated and ashamed, but most of all confused, having no idea why she was being so damn persistent. Why she wouldn't just give up and realize she was wasting her time, that she shouldn't even bother. But she refused to listen to my angry protests; instead she just demanded to know what the fucking problem was.

"Didn't you fucking hear me?" I gave her a warning look, which she seemed to ignore. "I'm fucked up. I'll hurt you."

"So you keep saying." She looked me right in the eyes. "But that's not the real problem, is it? That you're afraid of hurting me. It's the other way around." My eyes widened in alarm as she took a step forward, and I backed away, silently warning her to keep her distance.

"You're not afraid of hurting me. You're afraid I might hurt _you_. That's what this is really about, isn't it?" I glared at her, furious about the fact that she was somehow able to see right through me. Suddenly I felt like I was trapped in a corner, with the walls closing in on me. When I remained silent, Bella went on, a pleading note in her voice, "I won't. I would never hurt you, Edward. You have to believe me."

It was all becoming too much for me to handle, and I realized with horror that I was on the verge of having a serious fucking break-down. Anger, accusations and hostility - that I could deal with. But not unconditional kindness and sympathy. Because I knew I didn't deserve it.

By some miracle, Bella finally seemed to realize just how close to the edge I was. Just like that, she backed away and stopped pushing me. And here we were now, sitting by the kitchen table and staring at each other like hypnotized.

"What is this?" I asked, my voice cracking as I was both tired and fucking confused. I'd had plenty of opportunities to leave, and yet, here I was, once again lost in the depth of Bella's chocolate brown eyes, feeling the tension slowly leave my body, although I wouldn't allow myself to let my guard down completely.

She hesitated, obviously a little taken aback by my question. "What do you mean?"

_"This!"_ I was unable to keep the impatience out of my voice, because I just needed her to explain to me how the hell she was able to affect me this way. I could yell and rant at her, come up with a million reasons why she should just leave me alone, but then I still couldn't bring myself to stay away.

Bella swallowed. "I don't know," she finally mumbled, although I noticed how she suddenly wouldn't meet my eyes. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Finally she glanced at me. "How's your hand?"

I frowned, for a moment wondering what the fuck she was talking about. "Excuse me?"

"Your hand," she repeated, all of the sudden eager to change the subject. "Does it hurt? Maybe you should have someone take a look at it."

Understanding finally dawning on me, I wriggled my fingers a little, holding back a grimace as I shook my head. "It's nothing." In a way, that was true. While I still felt a dull ache when I clenched my fist, I'd had a lot worse.

"So, what happened?" She eyed me carefully, clearly wondering if I would be offended by her question and lash out at her again.

I sighed, then shrugged as I decided to just tell her the truth. "I punched a lamppost."

"Oh." Bella's eyes widened, slightly. She was quiet for a moment. Then she spoke up again, her voice surprisingly light, "You know, you really shouldn't go around getting into fights with lampposts. You should know those things fight dirty."

At first, I just stared at her in disbelief. Then I couldn't help but chuckle. "Thanks. I'll try to remember that."

Bella's face lit up and she nodded, seemingly pleased by my reaction. Then she became serious again. "Are you mad at me?" She sounded worried.

My eyes immediately shot to hers, and I gave her an incredulous look, for the moment forgetting to be on my guard. "Why the hell would you think that?"

She started picking, nervously, at the edge of her sleeve. "Well, it's not like I'd blame you if you were. I'm sorry for pushing you like that. I just..." She shrugged. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Bella..." I hesitated. All of the sudden, Bella seemed so small, so uncertain. I could tell how badly she wanted to know what was going on with me. I had also noticed how her fingers twitched when she asked me if I was mad at her, like she just wanted to reach out to me, but knew it wasn't 'allowed'.

That was when it hit me that she genuinely cared about me. While that realization made me feel strangely warm inside, I also felt a lump in my throat, because the fact remained; Bella still didn't know the truth about me. And I didn't doubt for a second that it would drastically change the way she felt, should she ever find out.

_"I meant it when I said I like being around you. And nothing's going to change that. I'm not going anywhere."_

Bella's voice suddenly echoed in my head, as I recalled her words to me. Still, I didn't know what to make of it. Surely, she wouldn't feel the same if she knew how damaged I really was, if she knew the dark secret I was hiding, what I had been unable to prevent from happening when I was a kid. If she knew how bad I had been.

Then she would hate me. And I would be alone again.

But what if I was wrong? I had already established that Bella was different. Maybe if I'd just give her a chance...

_Are you out of your fucking mind?_ the voice inside my head cried out in protest. _You can't trust her. So what if she seems to care about you right now? She'll just end up hurting you, whether it's intentional or not. Don't even think about getting any closer. You shouldn't even be here. You've better leave now, before it's too late._

Except I was pretty certain I was already past the point where I could simply walk away. I feared that trying to run from Bella - and my confused feelings - was no longer an option.

_"I would never hurt you, Edward. You have to believe me."_

She had seemed so honest, so sincere. Even now, when she was watching me quietly from across the table, waiting for me to say something, _anything_, I noticed how her eyes were begging me to trust her.

And in that moment, I really fucking wanted to.

"I'm not mad at you," I finally blurted out, not missing how Bella's expression instantly changed from anxious to hopeful. Then I paused, struggling to find the right words to assure her. But my mind was completely blank, and I let out a frustrated groan. "Fuck! I don't know how to do this shit."

"What?" she asked softly, obviously a little confused.

I rolled my eyes, annoyed with myself for being so screwed up that I couldn't even put my pathetic thoughts into words that Bella would understand. But she just waited, patiently, for me to explain. I sighed. "Interacting with people," I finally confessed without looking at her, ashamed to admit just how introverted and antisocial I really was.

Feeling her eyes on me, I reluctantly raised my head, and was stunned by the acceptance and understanding I could see there. "I think you're doing just fine right now," she said, quietly. I raised a brow and gave her a doubtful look, but remained silent. Bella shrugged. "We can figure the rest out together."

I swallowed and merely nodded, not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak. A part of me was absolutely fucking terrified of even beginning to take in the meaning of those words. And another part felt a strange urge to reach over the table and grab Bella's hand, begging her to hold on and never let go.

"Um..." I got the feeling Bella was able to sense my agitation and inner turmoil, because she changed the subject. "How about twenty questions?"

"What?" I stared at her in bewilderment.

She smiled a little at my obvious confusion and explained, "Well, I said before you could ask me anything. I've decided you get twenty questions before I start making the lunch. What do you say?"

My eyes widened, slightly. "Are you serious?" She nodded. "And you promise to answer whatever fucking question I ask you?"

"M-hm." Bella nodded again, although I noticed how she suddenly looked a bit nervous. "As long as it's not, you know..." She blushed. "...inappropriate." I held back a snort, and simply nodded in acceptance. "Go ahead, then," she encouraged, leaning back into the chair and folding her hands in her lap.

"Right. Um..." I searched my mind for something to ask her. "What's your favorite color?"

It was Bella's turn to snort. "Is that the best you can come up with? That's totally lame!"

I shrugged, feeling rather stupid, because she was obviously right. "All right. Never mind, then. Here's one question for you." I could see how she braced herself, looking at me expectantly. "Why didn't you wanna go to the prom with Tyler Crowley?" I practically spat the name out, anger welling up inside me as I recalled seeing him with Bella, but still dying to know the answer.

Bella blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. "I..." She hesitated for a moment. "Well, for one thing, I don't dance." A pause. "And even if I did, I would never go with him. He's a jerk."

Wondering briefly if she could see the relief on my face, I nodded in understanding and hurried on, "Okay. Next question..." I thought quickly, "Do you prefer to read, or watch TV?"

"Read." She answered immediately, without hesitation.

I decided to stick with the subject. "What's the name of the last book you read?"

She smiled, somewhat sheepishly. "_Wuthering Heights_ by Emily Brontë. I've read it like ten times."

"Huh." Remembering being forced to read _Wuthering Heights_ in English class about a year ago, and hating every moment of it, I was about to ask why someone would want to read such a depressing story twice, let alone ten times, but the look on Bella's face made me decide against it. She clearly liked the fucking novel, even though I couldn't for the life of me understand why.

I proceeded to ask her what kind of music she preferred, and before I knew it, Bella and I were having a heated discussion about rock versus classical. It suddenly hit me that we were actually having a real conversation, and I found myself enjoying it. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this comfortable talking to anyone.

And judging by the look on Bella's face - and the genuine smile playing on her lips - she felt the same way.

***~*~***

**A/N:** **I wanna give some credit to one of my reviewers. Bella's comment to Edward about the mistake of getting into fights with lamp posts was something kerrybell wrote in her review over at Twilighted, and I liked it so much that I contacted her and asked for her permission to use it in my next chapter. She said yes, so here it is. I thought it was hilarious. So, thank you kerrybell! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

BPOV

As I entered the school building, I was both excited and nervous. It was finally Monday morning and I was very eager to see Edward again, since it had been almost two days - during which I had missed him like crazy - and it had completely slipped my mind to ask for the number to his cell phone so I could call him.

I had talked to Alice on the phone yesterday, and a part of me had been dying to ask if he was around. But somehow, I managed to control myself, knowing how Alice would react should I show even the slightest sign of interest - most likely jump directly into the car and drive over to my place, ignoring my protests and dragging me back to the house with her. She would probably bring her curling iron. I shuddered at the thought.

But Alice hadn't mentioned her brother once, and I had been both relieved and disappointed.

The other day, Edward had stayed at my house for nearly two hours. While things had started off kind of badly, we had definitely parted on better terms. The 'twenty questions' thing had turned out to be a brilliant move from my side, because when we weren't focusing on him, Edward and I managed to slip into a comfortable, two-sided conversation.

Edward had surprised me at first, by asking about Tyler. I knew he had been there at the time, but I hadn't realized he had actually heard the part where the jerk asked me to the prom. For some reason, it made me feel awkward, and I felt an almost desperate need to make Edward understand that I wouldn't go anywhere with Tyler, if he so was the last guy on the planet.

After that, he had kept the topics pretty light, asking about books and music, which were all kind of innocent and easy questions for me to answer. Sometimes, Edward would also offer his opinion on the matter, and while it thrilled me to learn more about him, I wished he would be as willing to share something a little more personal.

Because every time I got even remotely close, he would close up like a clam.

More than once, I had been tempted to just ask Alice for any details about Edward's past. I was almost certain that someone had hurt him in some way - it was pretty obvious by the way he was acting - but I couldn't bring myself to make any further speculations.

However, I knew deep down that it wasn't Alice's place to fill me in. I just needed to be patient, and hope that Edward would open up to me eventually. But it was really hard to be patient, when it was so obvious that he was suffering. And what bothered me even more was the fact that he clearly wasn't talking to _anyone_.

_"Fuck! I don't know how to do this shit."___

_"What?"___

_"Interacting with people."_

Edward's confession had nearly broken my heart, because that was when I finally understood just how lonely he really was. There was no doubt that he had originally chosen to isolate himself from the other kids in school to protect himself, but it still had to hurt to know that everyone thought he was some kind of a freak.

It made me really upset to think about how not a single soul had bothered trying to break through his defenses. Or if they had, they obviously hadn't tried hard enough. That made me think of Alice, the only person I had met so far who actually _did_ seem to care about Edward. But it was slowly becoming clear to me that he didn't even trust her, and they had been living in the same house for six years.

At first, I had been hurt by his obvious hesitation when I had told him that I wanted us to be friends. But now, as I started to get to know him, I suspected that his reluctance to let me in had less to do with me as a person, and more with his personal fears and trust issues.

It all came down to the same fact; I needed to have patience with Edward if I wanted to be a part of his life.

When he had asked me what 'this' was, obviously referring to the strange bond between us - which neither of us was able to deny - I wanted to tell Edward how I really felt about him. The idea was beyond frightening, though, because I had never felt comfortable expressing my feelings in the past.

This was all new to me; I had never felt anything like this before. An annoying little voice in my head demanded to know how I could be so certain that what I felt for Edward was really love. After all, we had not even known each other for a week.

But somehow, I just knew.

_You do know that he can't possibly feel the same way, don't you? Not yet, anyway. Maybe never._

It hurt to admit, but I was aware of that. Edward and I shared a connection of some kind, and I knew he had to feel _something_ for me - that much was obvious - but I wouldn't fool myself into thinking that he actually returned my feelings. But I would settle for just being his friend, if that meant he would stick around.

In fact, I had a feeling Edward could use a friend more than anything else, whether he realized it or not.

I'd had a silly smile playing on my lips all morning, because I would finally get to see him again. But while I was pretty excited - who was I kidding, I was practically bouncing up and down - I was also a little nervous. Edward hadn't objected when I had shyly hinted that we would see each other at school on Monday, but he hadn't exactly suggested we'd meet up somewhere, either.

The more I thought about it, I realized I had no idea what to expect from him the next time we would run into each other. Would he even want to talk to me here in school in front of everybody, including his brother and sister? Would he - or I, for that matter - be able to handle Alice's enthusiasm if she saw us together?

And if Edward _wouldn't_ talk to me, if he chose to simply ignore me when it wasn't just the two of us, would I be able to deal with the disappointment?

It turned out I didn't have to worry about any of that. Secretly hoping to run into Edward before my first class would begin, I walked up and down the crowded corridors, looking in all directions for any sign of him. But he was nowhere to be seen.

I spent the rest of the morning in a frantic daze, worried that something might have happened to him, wondering if he was sick, or simply avoiding me. I could see no reason for the latter, but then again, with Edward, I supposed you could never know for certain how his mind worked.

When I ran into Alice between classes, I managed to relax a little, because she was just as enthusiastic and high-spirited as usual, and I doubted she would rant about the importance of getting her nails done if her brother was in the hospital, or something equally horrible.

Still, my thoughts kept going back to Edward, and I couldn't seem to focus on what went on around me. When it was time for lunch, I was so desperate I could hardly find it in me to care anymore how Alice would react, should she think I was interested in her brother. So, as I entered the cafeteria, I decided to just ask her - very discreetly - if she knew what was going on.

Only I never got the chance, because when I had finally paid for my food and located Alice and the others, I immediately noticed that she and Emmett were in the middle of a heated discussion. Slipping into the empty seat between Rosalie and Jasper, I cleared my throat and waved, somewhat timidly. "Hey, guys. Am I interrupting something?"

"Hi, Bella." Alice turned to me, a somewhat strained smile on her face. "Of course you're not interrupting, we were just..." She stopped with a sigh and turned back to Emmett, "I'm sorry, okay? I just don't understand why you didn't tell me about this sooner."

"Oh, I don't know, Alice." I could tell by the tone of Emmett's voice that he was annoyed. "Maybe because it's none of your business. Or maybe because it just didn't occur to me. It's not like it's the first time Dad and Edward have had a quarrel." He rolled his eyes.

I froze at the mention of Edward's name, and held my breath as I waited for Alice's response

She hesitated for a moment, looking at her older brother with large eyes. "Do you know what...?"

Emmett shook his head, obviously understanding what Alice was asking. "Something about that woman, Victoria. I don't know, I didn't hear much. Edward freaked out and took off, and I decided to just stay out of it. Dad seemed pretty upset."

My heart was suddenly beating wildly in my chest, and I had about a million questions I wanted to ask, but for some reason, I couldn't get my mouth to form the words. So I just remained silent, listening to their conversation with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Suddenly Rosalie spoke up, sticking a small spoon into a cup of green Jell-O, "Honestly, I feel kinda sorry for your dad. If you ask me, the expression 'bite off more than one can chew' doesn't seem too far off."

Alice and Emmett both turned their faces towards Rosalie, the same look of confusion mirroring in their features. "And what's that supposed to mean?" Alice wanted to know.

Rosalie shrugged. "Nothing. It's just that it's always something with Edward. Obviously not a day goes by without him lashing out at somebody. Maybe your dad should've thought twice before adopting him in the first place."

The table became dead silent. I was absolutely shocked by her heartless words, and any thoughts I may have had about Rosalie and I becoming friends quickly went out the window.

"How can you say that?!" I gasped, the words being out of my mouth before I could stop myself, and I stared at Rosalie in horror and disbelief. She frowned at me, obviously taken aback by my strong reaction, and I got the feeling she had forgotten I was there.

I cast a look at Alice, and was stunned by her furious expression. But it was Emmett who spoke up, much to my surprise, "That was fucking uncalled for, Rose. I don't wanna hear any shit like that again."

Rosalie's face fell, and she gave him a doubtful look. "What are you talking about, Em? You complain about him all the time!"

"That's not the point," Emmett muttered. "Look, I love you, Rose, but right now, you're being a bitch." He turned his attention to the food on his plate, picked up a slice of pizza and took a large bite, then threw it back down with a grimace, clearly still upset.

"Fine." Rosalie dropped her spoon and stood up, her cheeks slightly red as she glared at him. "I apologize, then. Excuse me." She left her lunch tray on the table and stomped off.

After almost a minute of awkward silence, Alice glanced at Emmett. "Are you gonna go after her?" she asked, quietly.

Emmett shook his head. "Not right now." He shoved some more food into his mouth, although he didn't seem to be enjoying it.

"Hey, Bella?" I was unable to hide my surprise when Jasper suddenly addressed me, and I gave him a questioning look, realizing it had to be the first time he was speaking to me directly. "I'm gonna get some more pizza. Would you like to join me?"

His intentions were painfully obvious, so I just nodded in agreement, following him across the cafeteria without objection. When he turned to me with a polite smile, I sighed. "Look, Jasper, it doesn't take a genius to see what you're doing. If you want me to leave you guys alone, I can just..." I shrugged, trying not to feel hurt, "go sit somewhere else."

"No, Bella." Jasper put his hand on my arm, as if to prevent me from leaving. "I can see why you'd think that, but I'm not trying to get rid of you or anything. Just humor me, please. You and I will stay here for a couple of minutes, giving those two a chance to vent some stuff and cool off. Then we'll go back there together. Is that okay with you?"

"I guess so. Sure." I bit my lip, not sure what to think.

Jasper was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, calmly, "Rosalie upset you." It was a state of fact, not a question.

I almost snorted, thinking it had to be the understatement of the year, because I was way past upset. "Yes. Very much, actually," I admitted.

He nodded in understanding. "I don't blame you. But you should know that she doesn't really mean any harm. She's just..." He hesitated as he searched for the right word. "Well, let me put it this way. I've known the Cullen's for years. Rosalie only started dating Emmett last semester. I guess you could say she just doesn't have -"

I interrupted him, not even trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, "Human emotions?"

Jasper's mouth twitched, like he was trying not to laugh. "Actually, I was gonna say 'the back story'. Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in rumors, especially if you only get to hear one side."

"Do you?" My mouth suddenly felt dry, and I swallowed as I clarified, "Do _you_ have the back story, Jasper?"

His expression turned cautious, almost guarded. "The back story on the Cullen's? Or are you talking about Edward?" When I didn't respond, Jasper threw a look over his shoulder. "I think we can go back now."

"Who's Victoria?" I blurted out, crossing my arms over my chest and trying to look more confident than I really was.

To my astonishment, Jasper actually smiled a little. "Alice was right about you," was all he offered in explanation before he turned around and started heading back. When I remained where I was, staring after him in confusion, he stopped and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Come on, Bella," he called out softly in my direction.

And I found myself obeying.

As I headed for my next class - which happened to be Biology - my mood had dropped even more. Like I really needed another reminder of Edward's absence.

When Jasper and I had returned to the table in the cafeteria, I quietly asked Alice if everything was okay. She exchanged a look with Jasper, clearly pleased with what she saw there, and then whispered to me that I didn't have to worry - Edward took off all the time and would be just fine. Too embarrassed to say anything else, I turned my attention to my untouched food and pretended to be busy eating.

"Hey, Bella, wait up!"

I realized Mike Newton must have spotted me from across the hallway - where he had been standing talking to Jessica Stanley - and saw him hurrying towards me in his eager to catch me before I would enter the classroom.

_And to think that I had been so close..._

"Oh, hi, Mike." I tried to act surprised as he came up behind me. "I didn't see you."

He gave me a huge grin. "Want me to carry those books for you? Looks kinda heavy."

_Oh, please!_

I forced a smile. "Thanks, but that's really not necessary. Look, I'm late for class, so-"

Mike cut me off, "Of course, but I just wanna ask you something. It'll only take a minute."

_No..._

He took a deep breath. "Listen, Bella, I was wondering if you..."

_Don't say it! _

"...if you would consider going to the prom with me?"

_Okay, just when did my life turn into a big cosmic joke?_

Seeing the hopeful look on his face, I didn't have the heart to tell him what was really on my mind. I sighed. "Oh, thanks for asking, but I'm not going. I'm kinda busy that night. Sorry." I quickly mumbled a 'see you later' and slipped into the classroom before he could object. Then I stopped dead in my tracks.

Edward was sitting behind our table in the back, facing my direction. Our eyes met, and I let out a soft gasp as the rest of the world ceased to exist.

That was when someone bumped into me from behind, and I dropped all the books I was carrying. Humiliation welled over me as I could hear a girl - sounding suspiciously like Lauren Mallory - muttering something about clumsy people blocking the doorway. Those who were close enough to hear her comment started giggling.

Gathering my books with flushed cheeks, I then made my way across the room and slipped into my seat. I could feel Edward watching me, but when I finally dared to look at him, he immediately averted his eyes. I took a deep breath. "Hi."

Edward glanced at me, merely nodding in response. However, I had come to know him well enough by now not to take his seemingly cold behavior personally. I hesitated for a moment before I spoke up again in a low voice, "Where were you? I've been looking for you."

He looked a little surprised, but didn't offer me any kind of explanation. Instead he just shrugged. "I'm here now."

"I can see that." I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I added, quietly, "Are you okay?"

Mr. Banner entered the classroom before Edward got a chance to answer - not that I could be certain he was actually going to in the first place - and I sighed deeply as the silence filled the room. But I refused to give up. So I tore off a blank page from my notebook, wrote a short message and slid the note across the table, just like Edward must have done the other day without me noticing.

And then I waited.

I couldn't bring myself to look and see if he would actually pick it up and read it, so I kept my eyes straight ahead, pretending to be listening to the teacher. But when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I peeked carefully in Edward's direction. He seemed to be busy taking notes, and my heart sank.

Then my eyes landed on the note, now tucked in half way under my biology book. My hands were trembling as I quietly unfolded it. And then I couldn't keep the smile of relief from spreading on my face.

My message had been short; _'I had a really good time the other day.'_

His response was even shorter; _'Me too.'_

Suppressing the urge to giggle like a little girl, I settled for peeking at Edward again, and my heart skipped a beat when I caught him staring back at me. We then spent the next thirty minutes in silence, only to sneak a shy glance at each other every once in a while.

When the bell finally rang, Edward and I left the classroom together, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Although a part of me really wanted to ask him about this morning, assuring him again that I was here if he ever needed to talk, I sensed that now wasn't the time. Instead I cleared my throat, and gave him a soft smile. "So, what's your next class?"

Edward scratched his head. "English. But I wasn't..." He stopped himself, suddenly looking embarrassed.

I couldn't help my curiosity. "What?"

He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable. "Wasn't planning on going."

"Oh." I wanted to ask why, but something made me decide against it. So I just nodded in acceptance. "Well, I have Gym. Ugh! I hate it."

"Why am I not surprised?" Edward actually snickered. "Guess you fall down a lot, huh? Ever hurt anyone else in the process?"

I mock glared at him, which only seemed to add to his amusement. "Occasionally," I admitted, rolling my eyes as I recalled accidentally hitting Jessica Stanley over the head with a badminton racket on my first day here at Forks High.

"Yeah, well, I..." Edward started, but was interrupted by Mike Newton who was suddenly standing in front of us, looking between me and Edward with a scowl on his face.

"Seriously, Bella?" Mike gave me an incredulous look. "Don't tell me _he's_ the reason you just gave me the brush-off?" He eyed Edward briefly, before letting out a snort of dismissal, and turned back to me. "Really, I would've thought you'd be aiming a bit higher than that."

I could see how Edward's eyes darkened, and he clenched his fists.

_Crap!_


	16. Chapter 16

BPOV

Edward's eyes narrowed dangerously as he took a step towards Mike - the moron actually had the nerve to smirk - and I watched the scene playing out in horror, knowing this would end badly if I didn't do something, and fast. At first, I hadn't known whether to scream in frustration or cry of disappointment, because things had been okay - maybe even more than okay - and then Mike had to show up and destroy everything by acting like an idiot.

But now, I realized that my frustration and disappointment had gotten replaced by blind fury. I was pissed. Off.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?!" I demanded, glaring angrily at Mike. "You have no right talking to me like this. I've never promised you anything, and if you think you're gonna win me over by behaving like an ass and insulting my friends, then you're even more stupid than I thought. In fact, you owe both of us an apology."

I glanced at Edward, at first relieved to notice that he had stopped and was now watching me in silence, his face a mixture of surprise and wonder. Then a wave of sadness came over me. Had he really expected me _not_ to stand up for him? Did Edward actually think I was going to just stand here and let Mike imply that he was any less of a person?

Edward's stunned expression told me that he had. And the realization made me feel sick.

It suddenly hit me that I was less upset with Edward's obvious lack of faith in me, and more by the discovery that he was actually surprised by my anger towards Mike. Because in that moment, it was painfully clear to me that he didn't consider himself worthy of being defended in the first place.

And my heart broke all over again.

Mike looked slightly taken aback by my outburst, but quickly recovered. "I guess I was wrong about you, Bella. We all make mistakes, I suppose. But I never would've pictured you as a person who would willingly be socializing with trash."

After that, everything happened very fast.

I barely got the chance to react before Edward threw himself at Mike, slamming him into the line of lockers behind him. A crunching sound was heard as Edward's fist connected with Mike's nose, and I involuntarily winced. Then I snapped out of it.

"Edward, please, stop it, he's not worth it!" I cried out in desperation, intending to grab his arm and pull him back when I remembered how Edward had reacted the last time I touched him. I didn't want to put him through that again, but I was starting to panic. "Edward, come on!" I pleaded, terrified that some teacher - or even worse; the principal - would happen to walk by.

But Edward kept pounding on Mike, not giving him a chance to defend himself, and people were starting to gather around us in morbid curiosity. However, no one made any attempt of stepping in, and I was just about to say 'hell with it' and pull Edward away, regardless of what his reaction would be, because I couldn't stand the idea of him getting in trouble because of that jerk - Mike Newton.

That was when rescue arrived, from a most unexpected savior. "That's enough, Edward, knock it off!" I recognized Emmett's booming voice before I saw him, as he barged through the crowd of people and hurried towards us. Horrifying images of Edward freaking out as Emmett pulled him off of Mike flashed through my mind, and I could barely stand to watch.

But, instead of grabbing Edward like I had expected, Emmett swiftly moved forward and pushed Mike - not too gently, I might add - out of the way, then firmly placed himself in the middle before Edward got the chance to reach Mike's now huddled form on the floor. I held my breath as Edward blinked in confusion and lowered his fists, although the fury never left his eyes.

"I said, that's enough," Emmett stated with a slight edge to his voice, although I could tell that he was struggling to remain calm. He gave Edward a pointed look. "You wouldn't wanna risk getting suspended again now, would you?"

"It wasn't his fault." I took a step forward, not really daring to hope it was over. Emmett turned his eyes to me, frowning, like he hadn't noticed I was there. He opened his mouth, but stopped as Mike started scrambling to his feet.

"You were here the whole time, Bella. You saw how he attacked me for no reason. Hell, I think my nose is broken!" Mike coughed and wiped his hand under his nose, grimacing when he noticed the blood. I quickly averted my eyes, feeling my stomach turn.

Then his words registered and I gave him an incredulous look, any sign of nausea completely forgotten. "Are you kidding me? You totally provoked him! I would've punched you myself if he hadn't beaten me to it." I realized it was true, and wasn't sure whether to feel proud or horrified.

Mike's eyes widened slightly at my words - I could see the wheels turning in his head as his eyes went to the crowd of students surrounding us - clearly considering his options. Then he obviously decided it wasn't worth the humiliation of sticking around, and quickly fled the scene with the tail between his legs.

"All right, everybody - show's over, now get the hell out of here!" Emmett called out to our unwanted audience in a loud voice, and I was beyond relieved to note that most of them seemed to listen, because the hallway was quickly cleared out. A moment later, only a handful of people remained, and, although some of them kept throwing looks in our direction, they seemed to be losing interest pretty fast.

Clearly pleased to be accepted as the voice of authority, Emmett then turned to Edward with a serious - and somewhat concerned - expression. "Look, I..." he started hesitantly, but Edward cut him off.

"Not. A. Fucking. Word," he hissed out between gritted teeth, a warning note in his voice. Then he threw a brief glance in my direction, looking as if he was going to say something, then let out a frustrated sigh and stormed off before I could stop him.

"Edward, wait," I pleaded, but it was already too late. He was gone.

I would've followed, but Emmett stepped in my way, preventing me from leaving. "Bella, wait a minute. You shouldn't-"

"Shouldn't what?" I interrupted him, my voice suddenly cold. "Act like I care, unlike the rest of the idiots in this town?"

For a moment, Emmett looked surprised, and a little hurt. Then he sighed. "Fine - you care. I don't have a problem with that. But there's no point in going after him right now. He's pissed, and he'll just take it out on you."

"So what if he does?" I gave him a hard look. "Is that your way of handling the situation? Just stay out of his way, so he won't lash out at you?"

I thought I saw a flash of guilt in his eyes, but I couldn't be certain. Then his expression changed, and he looked angry. "Who are you to judge me? Huh? I don't mean to be rude, Bella, but you don't know me. And you certainly don't know Edward. If you did, you'd realize this is what he does best - running away from his fucking problems. And when he does, you don't go looking for him."

The sinking feeling in my stomach told me that he was right. They were all so used to Edward pushing everybody away and running off that they didn't even bother anymore. I suddenly recalled Alice explaining to me, at lunch, how Edward took off all the time. And she had seemed okay with that, like it was just a simple fact she had no choice but to accept.

Maybe it was true. Maybe Edward _did_ run away from his problems.

I decided it was time for someone to finally defy all the stupid rules, and run after him.

EPOV

It was never just raining; as usual in Forks, it was pouring. I had spent most of the morning driving around in my car, and when I finally parked the Volvo at the far end of the school parking lot, it was almost past lunch time. A part of me stubbornly kept insisting that I just wanted a change of scenery, and would rather spend the afternoon at school than at home.

Which was all, of course, a fat load of bullshit.

The only reason I strode through the long corridors until I reached the right classroom, quickly crossing the room while ignoring the hostile - and sometimes curious - looks from my class mates and finally sat down behind the lab table in the back, was so I would get to see Bella.

When she finally entered the classroom, our eyes met, and - as strange as it may sound - I could swear I just felt a wave of complete and utter peace coming over me, filling me up from the inside like a warm blanket. In that moment, as our eyes stayed locked on each other, everything that had happened since that morning; the fucking phone call, my spat with Carlisle, it all just disappeared.

I had no plans of sticking around after class was dismissed, but I hadn't intended to practically admit to Bella that she was the fucking reason I had even bothered to show up in Biology in the first place. Thankfully, she seemed to notice my embarrassment and take pity on me, because she let it go.

Once again, we managed to slip into a comfortable conversation, until we got interrupted by that fucking asshole - Mike Newton.

Newton usually stayed out of my way, but, seeing how he had obviously had his eyes set on Bella, he just had to open his fucking mouth. "Seriously, Bella? Don't tell me _he's_ the reason you just gave me the brush-off?"

Normally, my tolerance might have been a bit higher, but my anger and frustration from the events of this morning were still lingering just beneath the surface. I took a threatening step towards him, only to stop in my tracks when Bella spoke up. To my astonishment, she seemed to be just as furious as I was, and she wasn't afraid of voicing her opinion.

Not only did she literally call him an ass, she also insisted that he should apologize. To both of us. I realized I was staring at Bella in disbelief, but I couldn't help myself. The thought of someone standing up for me to _anyone_ - let alone someone as popular as Newton - was as foreign to me as the idea of taking up fucking space traveling.

I knew, of course, that Newton would never apologize to someone like me. Nor would he just let the matter drop and walk away. But his next words made me see red. "I guess I was wrong about you, Bella. We all make mistakes, I suppose. But I never would've pictured you as a person who would willingly be socializing with trash."

Something in me just snapped, and I launched myself at the bastard, slamming my fist right into his face. While the sound of his nose breaking under my knuckles was satisfying in a way, it wasn't nearly enough, so I kept delivering blow after blow to his face, only vaguely aware of Bella's voice, pleading with me to stop.

However, I was too far gone to listen.

Suddenly someone jumped in between me and Newton, and it took a moment before my mind registered that it was Emmett. I stared at him in bewilderment, realizing that he had shoved the fucker out of the way and was now watching me with an almost wary expression. "I said, that's enough. You wouldn't wanna risk getting suspended again now, would you?"

Of course he had to remind me of what a complete screw-up I was. I bet he just loved to rub it in. Yes, I had gotten in trouble before. Many times. And it would most likely happen again. As Mike finally took off - like the pathetic little coward he was - and Emmett turned back to me, obviously about to say something, I cut him off, "Not. A. Fucking. Word."

That was when I realized that Bella was still around. Although she had actually defended me in front of practically the whole school a moment ago, I figured she had to be appalled by my violent behavior. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, having no idea what to say. Then I decided that I didn't want to stick around and see the disappointment in her eyes, and left without a word.

I had made it as far as to the other end of the parking lot when I heard the sound of running feet behind me, and Bella's voice calling out my name; "Edward, please, just wait!"

Having finally reached my car, eager to get inside and just drive off, I reluctantly turned around, gave her a blank look before letting out a sigh of defeat. "What are you doing here, Bella?"

She carefully approached me, only to stop a few feet away. "Where are you going?"

"You didn't answer my fucking question." I pulled out the key to my car and pushed the button to unlock the doors, but something kept me from stepping inside.

Bella raised a brow, expectantly. "I will, if you answer mine."

For a moment, we just looked at each other. Then I sighed again. "Where am I going? Away from here."

She nodded in understanding, then bit her lip, looking a little nervous. "Can I come?"

I frowned. "You don't even know where the fuck I'm going. Why would you wanna come?"

"Because you'll be there," Bella responded immediately, then lowered her eyes, and I could see her cheeks turning slightly pink. When I remained silent, she shrugged and mumbled, "Which kind of also answers your question about why I'm here." She finally raised her eyes to mine.

I wanted to say something, I really did. But my mind was suddenly completely blank, and I felt like my head was spinning. So, I just stepped around the car and opened the door to the passenger seat, holding it open while never taking my eyes away from Bella. When she just looked at me in confusion, I rolled my eyes and motioned for her to get in.

Her face lit up, and her genuinely grateful smile nearly took my breath away. As she slipped past me into the car, her shoulder brushed against mine, and I didn't even tense up until I had closed the door behind her and realized what had just happened.

Was I getting used to being close to Bella? And more importantly; was it actually starting not to bother me? I wasn't totally convinced, but in that moment, it felt like - at least maybe - I was getting there. And I didn't know if that should make me thrilled, or terrified.

For the next ten minutes, we were driving in silence. But for some reason, there was nothing uncomfortable, or awkward, about it. Bella never once asked me where we were going, nor did she attempt to start a conversation, much to my relief. I didn't offer anything either, and she seemed to be perfectly okay with that.

When we had finally reached our destination - and I hadn't even realized that was where I'd been heading all along - I parked the car and turned off the engine. I could feel Bella watching me, curiously, but she remained silent as I unbuckled my seat belt. She only hesitated for a moment before doing the same.

I stepped out of the car, intending to go around and open the door for Bella, but by the time I had reached the passenger side, she had already stepped out as well and was facing the unbroken forest in front of us. She glanced at me, suddenly looking a little uncertain.

"This way." I started into the dark forest without waiting to see if she would follow, feeling a little annoyed, although I wasn't sure why.

Hesitating briefly, Bella then hurried to catch up with me. "Isn't there a trail or something?" There was a slight hint of panic in her voice, which for some reason only seemed to add to my irritation.

"Yeah." I didn't turn to look at her. "There is. But we're not taking it." I thought I heard her take a deep breath, and waited for a stream of objections. But it didn't come. Instead she just kept walking silently next to me, until she almost stumbled on a fallen tree branch.

Amazingly enough, she managed to stay on her feet, but I still came to a halt and gave her a look of concern, my irrational anger gone as quickly as it had appeared. "Are you okay?" Bella just nodded. Suddenly, I felt a bit bad for bringing her here. Still, she had been the one insisting to come along.

_As if you're not relieved out of your fucking mind that she did. Stop being a prick!_

I sighed and asked, "Do you want to go home?" knowing I would take her back in an instant, should she ask me to.

"No." She shook her head, firmly. "But I'm not a very good hiker. You'll have to be patient with me."

"I can be patient - if I make a great effort," I responded quietly, realizing it came out a bit lighter than I had expected.

Bella gave me a somewhat hesitant smile. "Promise me you won't let me fall?"

Suddenly unable to find my voice, I merely nodded. And the relief - and complete trust - showing in Bella's eyes in that moment touched me more than I was ready to admit. Her smile widened as she picked up the pace, and we kept walking in silence as my mind pondered the full extent of her words.

It had stopped raining, and the sun was actually peeking out behind the clouds - a quite unusual sight here in Forks. I couldn't help but think of it as some kind of sign. Of course, I wasn't really sure of what the sign was for. As I led the way through the last fringe of ferns and finally stepped out into the small meadow, I cast a look at Bella over my shoulder. "We're here."


	17. Chapter 17

BPOV

The meadow was without doubt one of the loveliest places I had ever seen. I looked around in awe, counting at least half a dozen different kinds of wildflowers. The sun was shining, warming the air, and I found myself longing to take off my shoes and feel the soft grass under my bare feet. As I looked closer, I noticed the grass was still wet from the rain, and the sun made the small drops of water sparkle like diamonds.

I walked slowly through the long grass, just basking in the beauty of nature surrounding me. Then I turned, expecting Edward to be just behind me, and realized I was alone. I panicked for a brief moment, until I spotted him, still standing in the dense shade of the trees at the edge of the small meadow, watching me with a somewhat cautious look on his face.

As I started heading back towards him, I gave him a soft smile. "It's beautiful. So quiet. How did you know about this place?"

He shrugged, looking down at his feet. "I come here sometimes," was all he offered in explanation, and I got the feeling there was more to it than he was willing to tell me, like this place was special to him in some way I had yet to comprehend.

And it hit me then how grateful I was towards him for bringing me here. I opened my mouth to tell him so, when I suddenly became aware of the bubbling, almost musical sound of water nearby. My eyes darted around the meadow as I, unsuccessfully, tried to locate the source of the sound. "Is there a spring or something close by? I think I hear water."

Edward nodded. "Just a small one. See the bushes over there?" He pointed towards some shrubs growing at the far side of the meadow. I nodded. "It's just behind them." He hesitated for a moment. "Wanna see?"

"Sure." I followed Edward as he started walking, slipping out of my jacket and tying it around my waist. Somehow, he seemed a little bit more relaxed out here, away from the outside world. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen when we eventually had to return. A part of me just wanted to stay here forever.

Lost in my thoughts, I almost walked right into Edward when he suddenly stopped, abruptly. "What-" I started, but he held up a hand to stop me.

"Don't move. Look." He spoke in a low voice, slowly taking a step to the side, revealing a small stream of water less that thirty feet away. Standing on the other side was a small deer, barely more than a fawn. I gasped, watching the animal in fascination.

In the next moment, I accidentally stepped on a twig, and silently cursed as the deer finally spotted us. Edward and I simultaneously took a step back, but it was too late. It only took a second before the deer bolted back into the forest. I let out the breath I had been holding, and pouted. "Crap. I didn't mean to scare him."

"I'm sure he'll be back when we leave." Edward shrugged, looking a little uncomfortable, and I found it quite endearing how he obviously tried to make me feel better about it.

"I guess. That was cool, though; I've never seen one so close before." I smiled as I eagerly made my way over to the spring. Putting my jacket down on the wet grass, I carefully sat down, leaning slightly forward so I could run my fingers through the water. Then I shivered, immediately pulling my hand back. "Okay, that's cold."

Edward let out a small chuckle. "I could've told you that." I glanced at him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then slowly headed over towards me. I lowered my eyes to the grass and pulled up a few blades, just to keep my hands busy and stop them from shaking. Because he was so close to me now; I was aware of his every move without even looking.

Mimicking my actions, Edward shrugged out of his jacket and dropped it on the ground, a couple of feet away from me. Then he just stood there for almost a minute, before finally sitting down as well. I had to force myself to sit absolutely still, because all of the sudden, I feared that even the slightest movement from my side would cause him to retreat.

We sat there in silence for at least five minutes, until I couldn't take it anymore and spoke up, quietly, "I'm really glad you brought me here." He cast a brief look in my direction before turning his gaze back to the water in front of us. I waited for him to say something, but he remained silent.

I held back a sigh. A part of me felt like I should just stay quiet, waiting for Edward to make the next move. But I went on, nevertheless, "Do you come here a lot?"

He kept his eyes straight ahead. "Sometimes," he mumbled, absently, and I wished I knew what he was thinking, because I was at a complete loss for what to do. The way I saw it, after giving it a moment's consideration, I had three options.

I could just remain silent, waiting for Edward to finally crack and start talking. However, it might take hours, and while _I_ wouldn't mind the slightest to be here with him for that long, I knew that Charlie would expect me to have dinner ready by the time he got home from work.

Or I could start talking about myself, or whatever 'safe' subject I could come up with to get him to ease up around me. But I kind of felt like we had already played that game. And deep down, I knew I wasn't doing Edward any favors by beating around the bush for too long. I also couldn't help but think that he had brought me here for a reason, which probably didn't include listening to my babbling.

That left only one alternative. I could ask him, straight out, what was on his mind. In a way, it seemed like the least appealing option of them all, because I could never fully predict just how Edward would react to my questioning him. And at the same time - more than anything - I just wanted to know what was going on in his head.

_God, I suck at this!_

"At what?" Edward's voice snapped me out of my self criticism, and I realized - to my great horror - that I had spoken the last part out loud.

"Huh?" I felt like my head was spinning as I searched my mind for some way to explain my statement, and came up blank.

He frowned at my reaction. "You just said you suck at this. What did you mean?"

At least now we were talking. I sighed, and then decided to just put my cards on the table, once and for all. "There's so much stuff I wanna ask you, but I'm afraid you'll get mad at me, and leave." There; I had said it. I held my breath as I waited to see how he would react to my confession.

He was quiet for so long, I feared that he simply wouldn't respond at all. Finally he spoke up, quietly, "I won't leave."

My heart started beating faster. "Would you mind if I ask you something?"

"Would you mind if I don't answer?" he threw back at me, but there was no sarcasm behind his words; he was dead serious. I shook my head, not really liking it, but knowing I had to at least give him that much if I ever wanted him to offer something in return. He raised a brow, clearly unsure whether or not I actually meant it. I just calmly met his gaze, hoping he could tell that I was being sincere.

He finally seemed content to have a way out, should he need one. Still, I could tell by his stiff posture - not to mention the reluctant tone of his voice - that he wasn't really comfortable and seemed to have a hard time getting the words out. "What do you want to know?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, knowing perfectly well that I should choose my words very carefully. But where to even begin? When I finally spoke up, I realized I was taking a huge risk, "Why don't you want me to touch you?"

Edward tensed up, visibly, and my heart sank as I waited for him to tell me he wasn't going to answer, or to simply close up again. But it didn't happen. He glanced at me, and I could see the conflict in his eyes as he clearly struggled to figure out what to do. Then he looked away. "It's not you," he finally mumbled.

I had already figured as much, but it was a relief to hear, all the same. As I waited for Edward to elaborate, I didn't miss how his hands were trembling, and I suddenly felt horrible for pressing him for answers he so obviously wasn't ready to share. Still, he had yet to tell me to back off. If he did, I would do so. Until then, I really didn't want to let the matter drop.

But I couldn't stop the guilt from welling up inside me as I noticed his obvious discomfort. I was pushing him again, when I had promised myself I wouldn't. That was when it hit me that Edward's reluctance to talk about himself and his past might have less to do with his inability to trust me, and more with the fact that he was simply too ashamed, although I didn't understand why.

Suddenly I felt an almost desperate need to assure him that it would be okay; that he could talk to me and I wouldn't judge him. But the huge lump in my throat made it impossible for me to get the words out. So I remained silent, waiting. When almost a minute had passed, I finally dared to speak again, softly, "It's okay. We don't have to do this."

He didn't respond, nor did he make any indication that he had even heard me. Suddenly he seemed to be miles away, and I had no idea how to get him back. I wasn't stupid; I realized he had to be trapped in whatever horrible memories haunting him. And once again, my heart went out to him.

_God, what happened to him?_

"Edward?" I tried, very quietly, not wanting to startle him. But I was both surprised and relieved when he immediately turned his eyes to me. However, something about his distant expression told me that he still wasn't fully with me. I silently cursed myself, knowing it was my fault.

_But how will I ever be able to help him, if I don't know what's going on?_

All of the sudden, he seemed so utterly lost, and I just wanted to comfort him; find some way to take away his pain. But I didn't know how, since I couldn't touch him, and my words obviously weren't enough to calm his inner turmoil. That was when I suddenly recalled the other day, outside my house, when I was sitting on the ground and Edward had finally taken my hand and pulled me up on my feet.

Slowly, the pieces were starting to fall into place, or at least I had my suspicions. Edward didn't want people touching him; in fact, whenever I got too close, he flinched away, like he feared the mere contact would scorch him. More than once, he had told me - quite fiercely - not to touch him.

And yet, he _had_ taken my hand. Also, he had been the one who caught me when I passed out - Alice had filled me in yesterday, when I talked to her on the phone. Not to mention that he hadn't seemed the least bit bothered by the physical contact when he punched Mike repeatedly in the face.

Watching him thoughtfully, I wondered what would happen if I just reached out to him again. Of course, I could be wrong in my speculations, but I decided I didn't have anything to lose by trying. So I held Edward's gaze as I slowly scooted a little closer, lifted my hand, and held it out towards him.

I could see how his eyes widened, darting suspiciously between my outstretched hand and my face. In that moment, I couldn't help but feel like I was approaching a frightened animal. Somehow, I managed to hold my hand completely still, although I was pretty certain it was just a matter of seconds before it would start shaking, uncontrollably.

Time suddenly seemed to be standing still, and I got the irrational feeling that the entire meadow was holding its breath, waiting to see how my bold move would play out. As I was sitting there on the grass, holding my hand out in a silent invitation and praying Edward would accept it, nothing else existed in the world but the two of us. School, Charlie, dinner; it was all just gone.

I didn't know if hours had passed, or if it was just minutes, when Edward finally raised his own hand, never taking his eyes away from my face. Like in slow motion, I watched him hesitantly reach out towards me, and I realized I had stopped breathing. I felt like my fingers were being pulled helplessly towards his, like two magnets, until they finally met.

This time, there was no jolt of electricity, no burning sensation as Edward's fingers interlocked with mine, our palms pressed gently together. This time, I felt like I had just found my way home. I heard Edward let out a shuddering breath.

Very slowly, I started rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb, fully prepared to stop should he show the slightest sign of being uncomfortable. When he didn't protest, I gave his hand a soft squeeze. "I won't hurt you," I whispered, repeating my words from the other day.

His Adam's apple bobbed slightly, and it took a while before he responded, his voice barely more than a whisper, "I know."

We just sat there quietly for a while, my thumb still running tenderly over his knuckles, until I spoke up again, softly, "But someone did." It wasn't a question; he didn't have to say anything. In that moment, his silence would have spoken more than a thousand words.

So, I was stunned when he _did_ answer, his voice thick as he stared down at our intertwined hands, "Yes."

I swallowed hard, blinking back the tears as my suspicions were confirmed. There was a part of me that wished I could have just stayed oblivious. And at the same time, I was grateful to finally know for sure. I tightened my grip on Edward's hand, about to tell him how sorry I was. But then I hesitated, as something told me he would just mistake my words for pity.

More than anything, I wished I could just put my arms around him, hold him close and never let go. But I knew it was way too soon for such an intimate move. So I just kept caressing his hand, glancing at him as I asked, softly, "Will you tell me about it?"

Edward froze for a moment, although - to my great joy and relief - he didn't pull away from me. But he shook his head. "Not now."

"Okay." In all honesty, I was a little relieved. Because, deep down, I doubted I was ready to hear it. I bit my lip. "Some day?"

He didn't answer at first. Then he shrugged. "Maybe."

It wasn't a yes. But it wasn't a no, either. I could live with that, for now. Somehow, at the moment, I felt like it was enough just that I knew. And Edward was still here, holding my hand. For some reason, that alone seemed like such a huge step. And my hand felt so right in his, I knew I never wanted to let go.

For another couple of minutes, we sat in silence. Then we both jumped slightly at the shrill sound of Edward's cellphone, disturbing the quiet. He hesitated, then gave me an apologetic look before dropping my hand, and pulled the phone out of his pocket with a sigh. Then his eyes narrowed, and he let out a groan. "Alice," was all he said in explanation.

I raised a brow in question when he did no attempt of answering. "Aren't you gonna find out what she wants?"

Edward shrugged. "Whatever it is, it can wait."

We both waited for the ringing to stop, but it just went on. Knowing how persistent Alice could be, I barely managed to hide my amusement. "Maybe it's really important."

Clearly annoyed, Edward rolled his eyes and flicked the phone open. "What?!" He listened for a moment. "What do you mean, 'where are you'? That's not..." Then he stopped, and I watched how his expression changed. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" He closed his eyes for a moment, and I could tell that he was having a hard time to control his temper.

Suddenly I was starting to get really anxious, because whatever news he had just received, it was obviously not good. Edward spoke heatedly into the phone for about a minute or so, and I was surprised when I heard him mentioning my name. But before I could ponder about what it meant, he shoved the phone back down in his pocket and cursed, loudly. "Fuck!"

"What's wrong?" I was unable to keep the concern out of my voice.

Edward ran his hands through his hair, obviously frustrated, then shook his head. "Gotta go," he finally muttered as he scrambled to his feet and grabbed his jacket.

"Wait!" I jumped up as well, feeling the panic welling up inside me. "What's going on?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm in fucking trouble."


	18. Chapter 18

EPOV

I should've seen it coming, with Bella being all nervous and stuttering, wanting to know if she could ask me something. The fact that she felt the need to ask for my permission in the first place - and not just blurt out whatever she wanted to know - told me that she already knew I wouldn't like where she was going.

But she _had_ promised me I didn't have to answer, so I took a deep breath and forced the words out, "What do you want to know?"

Although I had been preparing myself for the worst, I was still taken aback when she asked me why I didn't want her to touch me. Not that it surprised me that she had noticed; she'd have to be crazy _not_ to, but it was a question no one had ever asked me before.

For a moment, I seriously considered just telling Bella I didn't want to talk about it, mostly because I had no idea how to do that without spilling my whole fucking life story, and that was not going to happen. But then I looked at her, and was overwhelmed by the genuine concern I saw in her eyes. It suddenly hit me that she might actually think _she_ was the reason, and that thought bothered me more than I liked to admit.

Suddenly unable to face her, I lowered my eyes. "It's not you," I admitted quietly, not really daring to hope Bella would simply take my words for it and leave it at that. In all honesty, I knew she wasn't deliberately trying to push me, or make me feel uncomfortable. She just wanted to know, wanted to understand. And while a part of me still couldn't figure out why she even cared, I was grateful, all the same.

I wasn't used to people caring, asking me questions like this. Carlisle and Esme knew all about my past, and I knew they actually did care about me. But it was not the same thing. Although they had both tried to assure me, countless times over the years, that they loved me every bit as much as they loved Alice and Emmett, I knew the reason they had adopted me in the first place could only be pity.

But, somehow, it was different with Bella. She didn't know what happened to me. She didn't treat me like some fucking charity case, or like the school freak. I had been a complete ass to her when we first met, and she still wanted to get to know me, still wanted to be my friend. And it fucking terrified me how fast she was able to break down the walls I had spent years building up around me.

I wasn't completely oblivious, nor was I stupid. I realized I was unstable, damaged, broken - all caused by my fucking childhood; years and years of abuse, both mental and physical. I knew it wasn't normal to shut people out the way I did, nor was the fact that I couldn't stand anyone touching me without feeling threatened, not to mention physically ill.

But I just didn't know anything else. When I first came to stay with Carlisle and Esme, they had been careful around me, attempting to give me all the space I needed to feel safe around them. But as the time went by, they tried to show me their love and support, going almost overboard to make me feel like a part of their family. And I knew they had to be disappointed when I just couldn't fully accept it.

It may sound irrational, but the way I figured, it wouldn't be right for them to love me. Because I was not capable of loving them back. Love was not an emotion I was familiar with; as far as I remembered, my real mother had never once showed me any kind of affection.

Carlisle had once tried to explain to me that she was sick; that something in her head made her unable to connect with me the way a mother should. But I couldn't really accept that as the explanation, seeing how she never seemed to have a problem _connecting_ with James.

The way I saw it, it had to be because of me.

"Edward?" Bella's soft voice snapped me out of my disturbing thoughts, and I turned towards her with a frown. She just watched me for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face, and I started to feel self-conscious. Then, still looking me right in the eyes, she slowly reached out her hand.

Somehow, I managed to resist the impulse to scoot backwards, as my mind instinctively told me to get away from the potential danger. But there was nothing threatening about Bella's silent approach. She didn't even attempt to touch me; she just held her hand out to me, letting me know with her eyes that it was up to me whether or not I was going to accept it.

And that was when I knew I would.

Still, it took a couple of minutes before I could actually bring myself to raise my hand, and I kept my eyes locked on Bella's face the whole time, suddenly fearing she would just disappear into thin air the moment our fingers actually met. I realized it was stupid - and not really rational - but a part of me couldn't help but think that maybe this wasn't really happening, maybe it was all just a part of some dream.

Then again, it didn't seem likely, seeing how my dreams were never this pleasant.

My hand suddenly seemed to move by itself, slowly and tentatively, until it finally found Bella's. I exhaled, somewhat shakily, as her fingers gently laced through mine. Then she started stroking the back of my hand with her thumb, so tenderly that I felt tears stinging my eyes. "I won't hurt you," she mumbled, and I knew she was telling the truth.

A moment later, she went on, quietly, "But someone did."

It was a state of fact, and I found myself unable to lie to her. "Yes." I could hear Bella swallow next to me, and for a few minutes, neither of us said anything.

Then she gave my hand a soft squeeze, and asked, quietly, "Will you tell me about it?" I could hear the sudden insecurity in her voice.

But I just couldn't. So I shook my head, praying that she would understand. And I nearly wept with relief when she didn't press on. I relaxed, focusing on the strange - but not unpleasant - sensation of Bella's warm, much smaller hand in mine. And I realized it felt pretty good. In fact, I suddenly couldn't remember ever feeling this comfortable before.

And it was all because of Bella.

We sat like that for a while, neither of us doing any attempt of starting a new conversation, and there was nothing awkward about the silence. Then my phone buzzed in my pocket, and I knew our special moment was over. Reluctantly letting go of Bella's hand, I pulled the phone out and looked at the display, immediately realizing it was Alice.

I had no desire whatsoever to talk to her right now, but the fucking ringing just continued, and finally, I couldn't take it anymore. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I flicked the phone open and brought it to my ear. "What?!" I practically growled.

"Edward, where the hell are you?" Alice demanded, the concern evident in her voice.

I frowned, failing to see how that was any business of hers. "What do you mean, 'where are you'? That's not-"

She cut me off, "Edward, you should come home right now. Dad got a phone call from someone at school, and I heard him mentioning your name. He didn't sound happy. Did you get into a fight or something? Because it sounded that way to me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I squeezed my eyes shut, and it took just about everything I had not to throw the damn phone into the water. That fucking asshole, Mike Newton! I wasn't really surprised that he would tell on me, seeing how he hated my guts, but it still pissed me right the hell off.

I was so fucking screwed!

"Is Bella with you?" Alice asked after a moment's hesitation.

"What?" For a moment, my mind was completely blank. How the hell did she know? Then I realized she must have talked to Emmett, and I rolled my eyes. There was no point of lying. "Yeah. Why?"

She was quiet for a couple of seconds. "Is she okay?"

I clenched my fists, anger welling up inside me. "Why the hell wouldn't she be okay? Think I'd fucking hurt her or something?"

"No, of course not! God..." Alice sounded incredulous. "I was just wondering, since Emmett told me she seemed quite upset when he saw her at school."

"Oh." I felt a little stupid for assuming the worst, and took a deep breath. "Bella's fine. I'll be home in about ten minutes." Not waiting for Alice to respond, I hung up and slipped the phone down in my pocket. Then I let out a groan. "Fuck!"

Bella watched me with large eyes. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, jumped to my feet and reached for my jacket. "Gotta go."

"Wait!" She quickly got up as well, and I knew she wasn't going to let me leave without giving her at least some kind of explanation. Not that I would just leave her here, anyway - I was not that much of a prick. "What's going on?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm in fucking trouble."

She folded her arms across her chest. "What kind of trouble?"

Frustrated, I ran my fingers through my hair, and promised to explain on the way back to the car. Relieved when Bella followed me without objection, I quickly filled her in on the situation as we made our way through the forest. Needless to say, she was just as furious as I was.

"Oh my God, I can't believe this! That jerk! I'm so gonna kick his ass!" she all but shouted, and I raised a brow in surprise at her reaction. My Bella was feisty, that's for sure.

Then I froze in my tracks. Wait a minute. Since when had she become _my_ Bella? I shook my head, as if to clear it.

I had intended to drop Bella off at the school parking lot, so she could get her truck and go home, but she refused, insisting to come back to the house with me. She said she needed to talk to Alice anyway, and would rather do it in person than over the phone. I just shrugged, deciding it didn't really matter if we showed up together, since Alice had most likely already told everybody that Bella was with me.

The drive back was silent, with Bella staring out the window, obviously sensing that I wasn't in a mood for talking. My fingers gripped at the steering wheel, so tightly it made my knuckles turn white. It seemed like - no matter what I did - I just couldn't get a fucking break.

When we finally pulled up outside the house, I turned the engine off and slowly stepped out of the car. I half expected Carlisle to be standing right behind the door, ready to give me the third degree, but as I reluctantly entered the house, Bella in tow, I noticed with relief that we were the only two people there.

Of course, it didn't take long before I spotted Carlisle on the couch, in front of the TV, and my stomach sank when I saw it was off. Having obviously heard us coming in, he looked up. "Good. You're home." He didn't seem too surprised when he saw that I wasn't alone. "Hello again, Bella."

She gave him a hesitant smile. "Hello, Dr. Cullen."

He returned the smile. "Please, dear, call me Carlisle. I only consider myself a doctor when I'm working." Then his smile faltered a little, and he turned back to me, "Edward, we need to talk."

Before I got the chance to respond, Bella spoke up next to me, "Look, Dr... I mean Carlisle, what happened at school wasn't really Edward's fault. There was this guy-"

"Bella!" Alice was suddenly standing at the top of the stairs. "I'm so glad you're here. Come on up, I really have to talk to you."

Bella hesitated, looking between me and Carlisle, and I realized she was reluctant to leave my side. It made me feel strangely warm inside. While a part of me wanted her to stay, I gestured for her to go with Alice. She bit her lip, then nodded. As she passed me, her fingers briefly brushed against my arm, and instead of tensing up, I actually found myself relaxing a little.

However, as soon as Bella was out of sight, my agitation grew. Crossing my arms defensively over my chest, I gave Carlisle an expectant look. "All right. Let me have it."

He sighed. "Edward, I want you to explain to me what happened today. Apparently, not only did you skip classes, but you also punched a boy in the face, breaking his nose."

"Yeah, and I'd fucking do it again." I clenched my fists as I angrily started pacing the room. "You know what he said about me?"

"No, I don't." A look of concern crossed Carlisle's face. "But Edward, I'm afraid that's not relevant right now. Maybe you didn't initiate the fight. Maybe the other boy provoked you somehow. But that doesn't change the fact that you hit him." He paused for a second. "The principal would've suspended you for a week, if I hadn't managed to talk him out of it."

I stopped, frowning at his words. "Why the hell would you do that? I don't need you to do me any favors."

Carlisle firmly shook his head. "It's not about favors. I'm trying to be understanding here, Edward. I realize you're going through a hard time, and with you dropping the therapy-"

"A hard time?" I interrupted him, giving him an incredulous look. "A hard fucking time, Carlisle, is that the best you can come up with?! My life's a fucking joke, and I dropped the fucking therapy because it's fucking pointless for you to waste any more of your money on that shit!"

His face fell, and for a moment, Carlisle looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach. However, when he spoke again, his voice remained calm, "If therapy isn't the answer, then we'll find another way to deal with all of this. As for the money, Esme and I would gladly spend everything we have if we thought it would help you."

"Why?!" I exploded, staring at him in disbelief. How could he be so fucking understanding? Didn't he realize that I didn't deserve it, that I was a lost case? Why did he keep insisting on trying to fix me, when we both knew I couldn't be fixed?

"Why?" Carlisle looked me right in the eyes, a pained expression on his face. "Edward, as far as I'm concerned, you are my son. Not biologically, but in every other way that matters. It tears me up inside, watching you suffer without being able to help you. Now, please, talk to me. What happened today at school?"

I shrugged, struggling not to let his words affect me. "I thought it wasn't relevant."

He closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry, but I can't just let this pass. You need to tell me what happened."

"What, _you_ wanna be my fucking shrink now?" I glared at him. "Yes, I punched that fucker in the face. He was an ass to Bella, and he fucking deserved it."

Carlisle nodded in understanding. "I see. And what is Bella's part in all of this?"

I shook my head, desperately wanting to smash something. "Never mind, I don't wanna talk about it." Carlisle opened his mouth to object, but I cut him off, "I said, I'm done talking. Just punish me already, so I can get the fuck out of here."

"Punish you?" Carlisle stared at me. "Edward, I'm not going to punish you. I just want to understand what happened."

My eyes widened as I realized I had used the same word James always did, without even thinking. Judging by the look on Carlisle's face, he was aware as well. I swallowed, hard. "I didn't mean it like that. I know you wouldn't..."

He nodded, immediately. "It's okay; I know what you meant." A pause. "Look, we can continue this conversation later. Why don't you go upstairs? I'm sure you have homework to do."

Nodding in relief, I quickly turned around and hurried up the stairs. Finally alone in my room, I dropped down on my bed with a sigh. I could feel a headache coming up, and pressed my fingers against my temples. Suddenly I felt completely drained.

So, Carlisle had somehow managed to convince the principal not to suspend me. I suppose I should've been grateful, but to be honest, I really didn't give a fuck whether or not I was allowed to attend classes for the next week or so. So what if I would fall behind? I had always been a quick study; I'd catch up.

To tell the truth, I wished Carlisle hadn't bothered. He should've just accepted my suspension; that way I wouldn't have to feel guilty for failing him - again. Deep down, I knew I wasn't making things easy for him and Esme - quite the opposite. But I just couldn't help myself; I kept letting my temper get the best of me.

Of course, it hadn't always been that way. The first couple of years after moving in with him and Esme, I had lived in constant fear of doing something wrong, so they would send me away.

_I had backed up against the wall, my body shaking violently as I was staring at the broken plate on the floor, the plate that had accidentally slipped out of my hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! Please, don't send me back."___

_Esme gasped, her eyes wide in shock as she took a hesitant step towards me. "Of course we won't send you back, sweetie. It was an accident, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." She crouched down to pick up the broken pieces.___

_I watched in silence as she cleaned up my mess, knowing I should help, but my feet suddenly seemed to be frozen at the spot. Esme didn't even seem upset, and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just yell at me. I had done something bad, and I deserved to be punished. Those were the rules._

As the time passed, I started to realize that Carlisle and Esme were nothing like James. They could get angry and disappointed, but they had never once hurt me, and they never got in my face and yelled about what a screw-up I was. Still, I was never able to fully relax, because it all just seemed too good to be true. And even now, after six years, a part of me kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

A soft knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts, and I immediately tensed up. Glancing at my alarm clock, I realized almost an hour had passed since I went upstairs. I let out a sigh. I just wanted to be alone, not having to talk to anyone. For a moment, I considered pretending to be asleep. Then I heard a familiar voice, just outside my door.

"Edward? It's me, Bella. Can I come in?"


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:** **Thank you so much, all of you who are reading and reviewing my story! I can't tell you how much it means to me.**

**As some of you already know, I have this story also posted over at Twilighted. I've been updating daily here so far, but now I've almost caught up on the chapters I have. I do have a few more, though, having almost finished chapter 22. After all the chapters are up here, I'll keep updating about every 4-5 days, as soon as I have a new chap ready. **

**There's a thread for this story at the forum at Twilighted, where I'm posting teasers and stuff. I hope at least some of you will stop by eventually. (though you might wanna wait until all the chapters are up here if you wanna avoid spoilers) **

**I'd also love to have more followers at Twitter. My username is NillaSwan.**

*~*~*

BPOV

I had told Edward I needed to talk to Alice; shamelessly using his sister as an excuse to go back to his house instead of going home. Of course, Alice was my friend and I wanted to spend some time with her as well. But more importantly, I just wanted to be there for him, because I had a sinking feeling things were about to get ugly at the Cullen house.

But when Alice appeared at the top of the stairs, all excited to see me and asking me to come upstairs, I couldn't exactly tell her I'd rather stay with Edward. So I reluctantly obeyed, hoping Edward would be able to see my hesitation and realize I didn't really want to leave him.

Although he motioned for me to go, his anxiety in that moment was painfully obvious, and I desperately wanted to take his hand, reassuring him it would be okay. However, I settled for just discreetly running my fingers softly down his arm as I walked past him; a brief, feather light caress that just as easily could've been unintentional.

And then I ran up the stairs without looking back, knowing that if I did, I wouldn't be able to go.

Once we were inside Alice's room, she quickly closed the door behind us and gave me an expectant look. "All right, you. Spill!"

I sighed, knowing it was pointless to claim I didn't know what she meant. But before I would tell her anything, I needed to know how much she had already heard. "Alice, did Emmett tell you what happened at school? _His_ version of it, anyway?"

She frowned. "Well, he told me Edward got into a fight with Mike Newton, and he had to break it up. And then Edward took off, and you went after him. That's pretty much it."

Rolling my eyes, I went over to her bed and sat down. "Yeah, Emmett conveniently missed how Mike kept provoking Edward until he snapped. I can't believe that little weasel had the nerve to put the blame on Edward. Mike's the one who started it; you should've heard the things he said. I could just... Ugh!"

Alice watched me for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. Then she sat down next to me. "Wait, so you went after Edward, and then what? Did you guys talk?"

"M-hm. A little." I avoided to meet her eyes. Although Edward and I _had_ been talking, I knew it had been so much more than that. _Connecting_ was the only word I could come up with to describe what had happened between us at the meadow. And for some reason, I didn't think Alice would understand.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't entirely true, seeing how Alice had already indicated that she would encourage any kind of relationship between me and her brother, but everything was still so new, so fragile. And I worried about accidentally telling Alice too much, not sure how Edward would feel if he knew I was talking to his sister about the two of us.

Besides, what had happened between me and Edward today felt too personal to share with anyone. The fact that he had allowed me to hold his hand seemed like a huge breakthrough, but I couldn't just assume that everything would go as smoothly from now on. I couldn't fool myself; he was obviously carrying some pretty heavy emotional baggage.

And I didn't know how to help him.

"I knew it!" Alice's face lit up, and she bounced up and down on the bed a few times. "I told Jasper you'd be the one. I'm never wrong about these things."

I blinked in confusion, failing to see what Jasper had to do with any of this. "What are you talking about?"

She gave me a patient look. "Bella, I know you can't see the changes in Edward, but I do. I told you once that he doesn't talk to people. But now, he's clearly talking to you." I opened my mouth, but she wasn't finished. "Something happened to him, Bella, something really, really bad. And it left him unable to trust people, to let anyone in."

I swallowed hard and nodded. "I know."

Alice's eyes widened in disbelief. "He didn't tell you...?"

I immediately shook my head. "No, he didn't give me any details. But he..." I hesitated a little, lowering my eyes to the floor. "He admitted that someone hurt him."

She was quiet for a moment. Then she nodded in confirmation. "Yeah. His stepfather."

Briefly closing my eyes, I then shook my head again. "Alice, please, don't say anything more. I shouldn't hear this from you."

Alice nodded in acceptance. "You're right. I won't. But you should know that Edward never told me any of this. I only know what I've heard from Mom and Dad, and they've been pretty vague. That's the point I'm trying to make here, Bella. Edward doesn't talk about his past."

I inhaled shakily, feeling like my head was spinning. "But if it's been so bad, and he never talks about it, how does he deal with it?"

In that moment, I thought I saw tears in Alice's eyes. She shook her head, sadly. "He doesn't."

"But..." I started, then stopped myself, because it all made perfect sense now. All of the sudden, I recalled the discussion I had overheard the night of the sleep-over, between Alice's parents.

_"That's not the point, Carlisle. Lately you've been spending more time at the hospital than with your own family. We need you here at home."___

_"Don't make this about me, Esme. We both know what this is really about. You need to face the truth; the therapy isn't helping."___

_"Quitting therapy isn't the answer. He needs help, Carlisle. It's been six years, and he still..."_

Back then, I had just felt bad for accidentally listening in on a conversation that was clearly not meant for my ears. But now, it was obvious to me that they had been talking about Edward. Six years. It had been six years since Edward got adopted by the Cullen's. And now it started to be clear to me why.

_His stepfather._

Another conversation played up inside my head, this time between me and Edward.

_"Um, Bella? What happened to your arm?"___

_"It was Phil. My stepdad. He... Edward? What's wrong?"___

_"God, not her, too. Not her, not her, not her..."_

Those were the exact words Edward had used - chanting repeatedly, like a mantra - when I had told him it was Phil who had caused me to break my arm. 'Not her, _too_'.

And then his reaction when I explained that it had been an accident. Relief, yes, but also shame. I didn't understand it then, but now I finally realized why he had reacted so strongly to my admission. Because he had been hurt by his stepfather as well.

Only not by accident.

Tears started welling up in my eyes, and suddenly I feared I was going to be sick. No wonder Edward was so unwilling to let anyone in. Because if you couldn't trust the people in your own family not to hurt you, if you weren't even safe in your own home, how could you possibly trust anyone else?

"Bella?" Alice was looking at me in alarm. "What's the matter?" I just shook my head, unable to respond. Understanding flashed across her face. "You really do care about Edward, don't you?" Her voice was soft.

I nodded, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. "Obviously. I just... I don't know..." A frustrated sigh escaped me as I was unable to explain my feelings. Alice just watched me in silence, a sad smile playing on her lips. I let out a shaky breath. "Alice, I'm really confused here. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"I understand. But, Bella?" She waited until she had my full attention before she continued, "I think you're doing just fine so far. And whether Edward's able to see it yet or not - you are exactly what he needs. Promise me you'll be patient with him?"

Her selfless plea nearly brought new tears to my eyes, and I nodded again. "Of course."

We talked for a little while longer, but I found myself having a hard time trying to focus, as my thoughts kept going back to Edward. However, I tried to pay attention to what Alice was saying, feeling that I owed her as much. But when she started talking - quite excitedly - about the prom, I decided it was time to start planning my retreat.

I saw my chance when she finally had to stop to catch her breath. "Look, Alice, I'm sorry but I should probably get going."

"Oh." She looked a little disappointed, but nodded in understanding. "All right. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Sure." I gave her an assuring smile as I got up from the bed, grabbing my jacket and my school bag.

When I was just about to leave the room, Alice called out my name, softly, "Hey, Bella?" I glanced over my shoulder, giving her a questioning look. She smiled, knowingly. "Edward's room is the second door to the left."

Five minutes later, I was standing outside Edward's door, trying to work up enough courage to actually knock. I couldn't deny that a part of me worried about what mood he would be in after the talk with Carlisle, knowing that had it ended badly - which was highly possible - chances were he would take his anger and frustration out on me.

I knew I shouldn't take it personally if that turned out to be the case, but still, I felt like Edward and I had really made some progress today, and the idea of suddenly being back at square one bothered me more than I liked to admit. So I hesitated for another minute or two, before I finally took a deep breath and raised my fist to the door.

Knocking softly, I held my breath as I waited for some kind of response from the other side. But when almost a minute had passed and nothing happened, I called out in a low voice, "Edward? It's me, Bella. Can I come in?" And then I waited again.

Just when I was about to give up and leave, I heard the distant sound of footsteps, and the door finally swung open. Edward was standing in the doorway, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. I gave him a tentative smile. "Hi."

"Bella." He raked his hand through his hair, appearing to be somewhat agitated. "Thought you'd left," he finally mumbled, looking away.

"No, I..." I hesitated. "Um, can I come in?"

"Oh." Edward's eyes widened, slightly. "Yeah, okay." He took a hesitant step back, allowing me to enter.

My relief must have shown as I stepped through the door, only to come to a halt on the other side. "Should I, um, do you want me to close the door?" It just hit me that I had no idea if he would feel comfortable with just the two of us in a closed room.

Edward frowned, looking past me out into the hallway, and then back at me. "All right."

Carefully closing the door behind me, I then took a couple of steps further into the room. Edward remained where he was, his eyes following my every movement. I bit my lip, suddenly feeling very nervous. Because I had absolutely no idea what to say - or do - next.

As I searched for something - _anything_ - to say, just to break the awkward silence, I took the opportunity to study his appearance. And I felt a pang in my chest when I noticed how utterly exhausted he looked. His face was almost ghostly pale, and he had purple shadows under his eyes. He seemed to be completely worn out, and - if my suspicions were correct - not just physically.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly, the words being out of my mouth before I even realized I had spoken. Then I blushed, because it seemed like such a stupid question to ask, when it was painfully obvious that he was far from being okay.

Edward stared at me for a moment, then let out a hollow laugh. Instead of answering, he walked over to the bed, slid down to the floor with his head resting back against the thick mattress. Afraid of overstepping my bounds, I just watched him helplessly, unsure whether I should go to him, or remain where I was.

"No," he finally admitted in a small voice, his eyes closed, as if he somehow found it easier to get the words out that way. "I'm tired." When I remained silent - partly because I simply didn't trust my voice to hold - he opened his eyes again, and the pain I could see there was so raw and intense that, for a few seconds, I actually found myself unable to breathe. "I'm so fucking tired, Bella," he croaked.

I knew then that my assumptions had been right - he wasn't just tired; he was emotionally drained - and I was at his side before my mind had even registered that I had moved, dropping to my knees next to him. For once, he did no attempt of backing away. Instead he just kept looking at me with large, pleading eyes, silently begging me to take his pain away.

And I didn't know how.

"Tell me what to do," I whispered, knowing I was dangerously close to breaking down. But I forced myself to stay strong. Edward needed my strength, not my tears. I could cry for him later, when I was alone.

He just shook his head, letting out a defeated sigh. That was when I got hit by a sudden impulse, and held out my hand, just like I had done when we were at the meadow. "If you take my hand..." My voice cracked, and I started over, "If you take my hand, I promise not to let go."

I had no idea if I was doing the right thing or not, but in that moment, I was more than willing to give him whatever he needed from me. The problem was, I doubted even Edward knew exactly what it was he needed. So I could only go with my instinct; doing what my heart told me to do without giving it too much thought.

He watched me intently, his eyes desperately searching mine as he was clearly scanning my face for some kind of sign that I was serious. And then I saw it; a barely existent spark of hope flickered in his eyes. Of course, it was gone the next second, but that was okay. I knew it had been real and not just my imagination.

Up until that very moment, I hadn't been a hundred percent sure, but now I knew. Edward actually _wanted_ to trust me, to let me in. He just didn't know how.

"I'm not leaving." Not sure where the words were coming from, I went on, nevertheless, "Look, Edward, whatever it is you're hiding, whatever you're so afraid of, it won't make any difference to me. I'll still be here, no matter what. You'll have to literally kick me out to get rid of me, and even then, I'll just keep coming back."

He just kept looking at me, doubt still evident on his face, and I sighed. "I mean, of course I'll have to go home eventually, or Charlie will most likely send out a search party, but the point I'm trying to make is..." My voice trailed off as Edward reached out his hand - not slowly and hesitantly, like earlier at the meadow, but in a quick, jerky motion, like he was forcing himself to act fast, before he would lose his courage.

I nearly wept when his hand finally grasped mine, tightly, like he was drowning and I was his life line. And I realized that - in that moment, to Edward - it was exactly what I was.

"I won't let go," I assured him again, and then I fell silent, because words suddenly seemed unnecessary. Instead I pulled his hand down in my lap, holding it gently between mine, like I had wanted to do for so long but never actually dared.

For a couple of minutes, we just sat there in silence, close together on the floor. Then Edward tentatively raised his other arm, and I watched in astonishment how his trembling hand slowly moved towards my face. Instinctively closing my eyes, I could feel my entire body shaking as he finally tucked a single strand of hair behind my ear.

"Promise?" he whispered hoarsely, and my eyes immediately snapped open.

At first, I didn't understand what he was asking, because all I could think about was the sensation of his fingers in my hair. Then it all came back to me, and I nodded, eagerly. "I promise," I breathed, giving his hand a soft squeeze. "You're stuck with me now."

A ghost of a smile appeared on his face, and all of the sudden, I felt like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. Of course, I knew we still had a long way to go, but at least we were moving in the right direction. I just needed to be really patient, and show Edward that I meant it when I said I wouldn't be going anywhere.

Then - hopefully - he would finally start opening up to me about his past. I glanced at him, my fingers absently tracing circles at the back of his hand. He still looked really tired, but somehow, my touch suddenly seemed to have a calming effect on him. The irony wasn't lost on me, seeing how it was only days ago that he had shied away in terror.

"Edward? I'm sorry - I knocked, but..." Carlisle was suddenly standing in the doorway, his eyes widening as he spotted me and Edward on the floor. I just barely managed not to let out a startled yelp, having not even noticed the door open. Edward jumped slightly next to me, clearly just as surprised as I was.

However, he didn't let go of my hand.

Carlisle opened his mouth, then closed it again, his eyes darting between me and Edward before finally landing on our intertwined hands. It seemed like we had some explaining to do.


	20. Chapter 20

BPOV

Carlisle's eyes went from me to Edward, and I could only imagine what must be going through his mind in that moment. "Forgive me for interrupting, I was just..." He hesitated. "Is everything all right?"

Blinking in confusion, Edward glanced down at his hand - the hand I was still clasping tightly in my lap - and I nearly cried at the loss of contact when he, gently but firmly, pulled away. He gave me a helpless, almost regretful look before mumbling, softly, "Everything's fine."

"I see." Carlisle remained in the doorway, obviously having a hard time deciding what to do next. I could see a million questions in his eyes, and I started to feel really uncomfortable. Then it hit me that Edward probably felt ten times worse, and I desperately searched my mind for something to say to save the situation. Unfortunately, I came up with nothing.

To my great relief, Carlisle seemed to notice the sudden awkwardness as well, because he cleared his throat. "Well, I will just leave, then. I'll be downstairs if you need me." He kept watching Edward for a moment, without a doubt trying to figure out what was going on, before finally backing out of the room.

He deliberately left the door open.

Letting out the breath I had been holding, I turned to look at Edward, resisting the urge to reach for his hand again. "Will he give you a hard time about this?"

Edward shrugged, carefully avoiding my eyes. "Nothing I can't handle."

I wasn't completely satisfied with that answer, but chose to let it go. "I can stay here if you want to go talk to him." I paused, grimacing. "Or maybe I should just go. Charlie will probably be home soon." The reluctance in my voice was obvious, and Edward would have to be both deaf and blind to miss it. Still, I felt the need to add the part about Charlie, just to be on the safe side.

The last thing I wanted was for Edward to think that I actually _wanted_ to leave now.

He glanced at me. "Yeah, that might be for the best. Wouldn't want you to get in trouble."

I swallowed. "Edward-"

"Bella..." He cut me off. "What's gonna happen tomorrow?"

"What, you mean at school?" I hadn't even thought so far. He nodded, and I could see the insecurity rolling off him in waves. I felt bad for him, and wanted nothing more than to assure him that he had nothing to worry about, but at the same time, I was really happy that he actually cared about the next day.

Because I didn't think I would be able to take it if it turned out that he wanted to pretend that none of this had happened.

Hesitating for a brief moment, I then quickly made up my mind. "Um, maybe you could pick me up on your way to school? But only if you want, I mean, you don't have to. I just thought-"

"Yeah, okay." Edward interrupted my babbling, and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Can I..." I bit my lip, praying that he wouldn't say no. "Can I have your phone number?"

He looked a little surprised, but nodded. "All right."

To be perfectly honest, after everything that had happened between me and Edward today, I hadn't really been expecting a no. But a part of me had been afraid of getting my hopes up. I gave him a soft smile, and pulled my phone out from the pocket of my jacket.

A couple of minutes later, I hurried down the stairs with a ridiculously huge grin on my face. Edward and I had finally exchanged phone numbers; now I could reach him whenever I wanted. And it also felt pretty good to know that Edward could easily get in touch with me as well.

"Bella?" A door opened across the room, and Carlisle peeked his head out. "Could you please come in here for a moment?"

My smile faded, and my heart started beating faster. However, he didn't appear to be angry - merely concerned - so I firmly told myself to relax, and nodded in agreement. "Okay." Casting one last longing look at the front door, I then sucked in a deep breath and entered what turned out to be a large office.

"Have a seat." Carlisle gestured for the couch at the other side of the room, and I hesitantly obeyed. He then watched me in silence for a moment before speaking up again, this time with a calming smile on his face, "Words travel fast. I understand you are Chief Swan's daughter. He's a good, honorable man."

I returned his smile, somewhat warily. "He said the same thing about you."

"May I be honest with you, Bella?" I nodded, and he sat down as well. "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. But there are a few things I feel compelled to tell you."

"Is this about Edward?" I folded my hands in my lap, wishing they would stop trembling.

His expression changed, and I knew my assumption had been correct. "You two seem to... get along?" I couldn't quite read the look on his face, and it made me feel anxious. So I just nodded again, waiting for him to go on. He did. "I couldn't help but notice that... you were holding hands."

This time, I knew he was expecting a verbal explanation. I held back a sigh. "Yeah. Listen, I know what you must be thinking, but-"

"Actually," Carlisle cut me off, "this is not about what I think, because right now, I'm lost. I don't understand how this is possible, and I was hoping you could explain it to me." His face was a mixture of confusion, mild frustration, and... hurt?

I wasn't stupid, nor was I about to insult him by pretending I didn't know what he was referring to. "You're talking about the fact that Edward's allowing me to touch him."

"Yes." He sounded incredulous. "Please, don't take this the wrong way, but frankly, I don't think you understand the full extent of the situation, and it worries me." A pause. "Bella, Edward doesn't even let me and Esme touch him, and we are his family."

Although his words stung, I could partly understand his concern, and I suppose I couldn't really blame Carlisle for worrying. However, what he had said about Edward still refusing to let him and Esme touch him came as a shock, and my eyes widened in disbelief. After all, Edward had been living with them for six years.

Then something clicked. "Maybe that's the problem," I mumbled to myself. Realizing that Carlisle had heard me and was now staring at me, I blushed. "I mean... never mind." I had a theory, but I wasn't ready to discuss such a sensitive topic with Carlisle, who was still practically a stranger to me.

For a moment, I thought he was going to object. Then he let out a sigh. "Bella, I want you to promise me that what we talk about in this room stays here." Seeing my hesitation, he hurried to add, "I'm not asking you to lie to Edward and keep our conversation a secret. But I need to know that you won't go talking to anyone else. Can you promise me that much?"

"Of course." I felt both nervous and a little excited at the same time. For some reason, it had seemed wrong for Alice to fill me in about Edward. But Carlisle was a different matter. And it wasn't like I had gone to him, fishing for information. He was the one who had asked to speak with me, not the other way around.

Still, a part of me felt like I was going behind Edward's back, just by being in this room, and I decided to tell him all about my encounter with Carlisle the next time saw him. Hopefully, Edward would understand that I only had his best interest in mind, and wouldn't be too upset.

One could only hope.

Carlisle leaned back into the cushions, keeping his eyes straight ahead. "Has Edward told you anything about his past?"

"Um..." I hesitated. "I know that he's adopted. And that he came to live with you about six years ago." I decided not to mention that it had been Alice and Emmett who had shared that particular information in the first place.

"Yes." Carlisle nodded in confirmation. He closed his eyes for a moment. "Bella, I realize this is none of my business, and you have every right to be upset with me for asking, but I need to know. What are your feelings towards Edward? What are your intentions? Are you planning to stick around? Or will you move on tomorrow, or next week? Because in that case-"

"Hold on, just a minute," I interrupted him, a little shocked by my sudden boldness, but quickly recovered. "Look, Carlisle, this is all new to me as well. But I really care about Edward, and I would never do anything to hurt him. I know something bad happened to him, and I hope someday he'll feel comfortable enough to tell me about it. I told him that I'm here to stay, and I meant it. Even if he won't..." I stopped abruptly, lowering my eyes in embarrassment.

But it was too late; I had already seen the realization flash across Carlisle's face. "You care for him more than just as a friend. You wish for the two of you to become something more." Stubbornly looking down at my hands, I could feel Carlisle's eyes on me as he continued in a serious voice, "Do you understand that Edward might never be able to give you what you want?"

I raised my head then, looking him right in the eyes. "What I _want_ is for Edward to feel safe with me. To be there for him no matter what. Yes, I have feelings for him, but that's not my main reason for sticking around. Not at all. I'll be whatever he needs me to be. And if he won't be able to return my feelings, then I'll settle for just being his friend, if that means I get to be a part of his life."

Carlisle just looked at me for a long time, his eyes boring into mine, as if he was trying to see directly into my soul. To be honest, it made me feel quite awkward, but I bravely held his gaze, hoping he would find whatever he was searching for. Finally he nodded in acceptance. "You really mean that, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," I stated, somehow managing to keep my voice from trembling. I couldn't afford to mess up now; too much was at stake. In that moment, nothing seemed more important than making Carlisle see how serious I was; to gain his trust and acceptance so he would let me keep seeing Edward.

I had been prepared for doubt, maybe even some kind of warning, so his next words came as a total shock to me. "Thank you." When I just blinked in surprise and confusion, Carlisle gave me a sad smile. "You're an extraordinary girl, Bella. I believe you will be good for him." He paused before adding, "In fact, I think you might be good for all of us."

I had just taken a large saucepan of steaming hot pasta off the stove, when I heard the unmistakable sound of my dad's cruiser in the driveway. A moment later, the door opened and Charlie entered the kitchen. I greeted him with a somewhat absent smile. "Hi, Dad. Dinner's almost ready."

"That's great, Bella." The lack of enthusiasm in his voice made me look up from the food I was preparing, and I turned to look at him with a frown on my face. Charlie remained by the door, looking uncomfortable, and I wondered what was bothering him. It turned out I was about to find out. "Listen, I got a quite disturbing phonecall from school..."

_Oh, crap! This can't be good..._

Then the full meaning of his words registered, and I stared at him in disbelief as realization hit me. "They called you at the station?! What, am I under arrest or something? Do I need a lawyer for this?"

Charlie was clearly not amused, nor did he appreciate my sarcasm. "Don't give me that smart attitude, young lady. I was told that you've been skipping classes today, and I want an explanation."

"It was _one_ class, Dad, not plural." He opened his mouth, but I hurried on, "It was just Gym. Seriously, it's not like I actually missed something of major importance that I will need later on in life. And besides, I had a perfectly good reason for not going."

_Yeah, but somehow, I doubt the argument 'I was with a guy, trying to coax him into touching me' will sit very well with Charlie. You've better come up with another explanation, unless you want him to send you straight to a convent._

"Really?" Charlie crossed his arms over his chest, obviously not convinced. "I'm all ears."

I bit my lip, thinking quickly. "A friend needed me. It was an emergency. But for what it's worth, Dad, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again."

"Damn right, it won't." Charlie gave me a stern look, although I could tell he was relieved that I wasn't putting up more of a fight. Because let's face it; as far as the parental responsibilities went, he was still kind of rusty. When I just nodded in agreement, he cleared his throat. "All right, then."

Letting out the breath I had been holding, I was just about to turn my attention back to the spaghetti sauce still simmering on the stove, when he spoke up again, and I realized I wasn't completely off the hook yet. "So, what was the big emergency? And who were you with? Alice?"

I hesitated for a moment, keeping my eyes on the food so I wouldn't have to look at him. "Um, yeah." It wasn't a complete lie. After all, I had been at her house. And technically, I _had_ been with Alice. For a little while, anyway.

"Oh." He suddenly sounded concerned. "Is she all right?"

I smiled a little, knowing Charlie had always had a soft spot for Alice. He had been thrilled when he found out the two of us had become friends. "Yeah, don't worry." An idea just came to me, and I had to hide a grin. "Actually, it's about boys. I'll be happy to tell you all about it over dinner."

"Um..." Charlie paled a little, and I had to struggle to keep from laughing out loud. He was so predictable; it was like he did his best to forget that we were in fact teenagers. "No, that's okay. The less I know..." He shuddered.

"Have it your way, then." I shrugged, giving him an innocent look as I went on, "Hey, isn't there a baseball game on tonight, or something? Would you like me to set the table in the living room for you?"

"Oh, right. That would would be great, Bells, thanks." Charlie went over to the fridge and grabbed a beer before hurrying out of the room. I chuckled to myself. Sometimes, it was just too easy.

EPOV

I stubbornly stayed in my room until I heard Carlisle's Mercedes drive off outside, knowing he was going to the hospital. I suspected he had been hoping for me to come downstairs before he left, wanting to finish our conversation from earlier and - most definitely - question me about Bella. And that was not something I was ready for.

Strangely enough, the fact that Carlisle had walked in on me and Bella holding hands didn't bother me as much as I had expected, but that didn't mean I wanted to talk about it. Nor did I feel up to keep discussing my reasons for beating the crap out of Mike fucking Newton at school.

As for Bella, I still had a hard time taking in the fact that I had exposed myself so completely. But there was just something about her voice, her gentle touch, her very presence, that made me feel safe. And all of the sudden, I had realized that I desperately wanted to trust her, wanted to believe that she really wasn't going anywhere. That she wouldn't leave me.

So I had let my guard down - which had to be either the bravest, or the most reckless thing I had ever done in my life - and taken her hand.

Now I left my room and headed for the stairs, intending to go out for a smoke. I still felt apprehensive about tomorrow, knowing words about my fight with Newton would be all over school. The mere thought of being the center of attention like that made me cringe, but I realized it was unavoidable. For a moment, I wished I had gotten suspended after all.

Of course, then I wouldn't get to see Bella. And right now, that was the one thing that kept me going.

Lost in my thoughts, I almost walked straight into Emmett, who I met in the hallway. His eyes widened when he spotted me, and I realized I was not the only one who hadn't been paying attention. Ignoring him completely, I was just about to step past him when he suddenly spoke up, "You realize people are gonna talk, don't you?"

Stopping abruptly, I spun around and glared at him. "So, what else is new? Really think I give a fuck what other people are saying about me?"

He shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. "You think Bella feels the same way?"

My eyes narrowed. "What the hell does Bella have to do with this?"

"Oh, I don't know." Emmett rolled his eyes. "But I bet there are already some rather interesting theories and speculations going around. Hell, the girl defended you in front of practically the whole damn school. Now tell me, how often does something like that happen?"

I clenched my fists in anger. "I never fucking asked her to do that! Why do you care, anyway?"

"I don't. I'm just saying..." He let out a frustrated sigh. "Man, why do you always have to be like this? I'm not deliberately trying to be a dick, here."

I snorted. "Really? Could've fooled me."

He was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head in irritation. "Not sure why I even bother. Seriously, I just wanted to make sure you're prepared for what's coming. Tell me something, Edward. Would it kill you not to be a complete ass every time I open my mouth?" With that, he turned around and walked away, muttering to himself. And I was left to stare after him in bewilderment.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:**** I'm really bad at responding to reviews on this site, and for that I'm so sorry. But I read and appreciate every single one. Thank you all so much! I have one more chapter to post after this one, which means that after tomorrow, there will be a couple of days until the next update. I hope you'll have patience with me. I promise to keep the chapters coming as quickly as I can. **

***~*~***

EPOV

If I had been anxious the night before, I was pretty much a wreck in the morning. I kept hearing Emmett's words about Bella playing up, over and over again, and while I tried telling myself that he didn't know what he was talking about, a part of me couldn't help but wonder if he may have a point after all.

I was the school freak; the notorious outsider who - according to most people - was nothing more than a waste of space. Enter the new girl; nice, smart, beautiful. _Perfect._ And for some reason, she had decided to take my side against one of the most popular guys in school. It was only natural that people would wonder what kind of alternate universe they had ended up in.

Although I loathed the attention, I was used to people talking about me behind my back. While I didn't like it, I had learned to live with it over the years; the fucking gossip being a price I was willing to pay if it meant they would just stay the fuck out of my way.

_"You think Bella feels the same way?"_

Emmett's voice echoed in my head, and I forced back a frustrated growl. I wanted him to be wrong, but the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that Bella wouldn't appreciate the attention any more than I did. And if she couldn't stand it - which I started to find more and more likely - surely the most natural thing would be for her to reconsider her desire to hang out with me.

_Stop thinking like that! Bella told you she's not going anywhere, remember? She promised not to let go._

But that was before she became aware of the fact that being around me would affect her social life. She could change her mind.

_Don't do this. Just trust her._

And I really fucking wanted to. However, doing so had seemed so much easier when Bella was sitting next to me, holding my hand. But now, my self-doubt and insecurities only seemed to grow stronger by the minute.

I took a deep breath before entering the kitchen, hoping that by some miracle, it would turn out to be empty. Because I was really not in a mood for talking to anyone. Of course, I had no such luck. Esme was standing by the coffee maker, about to pour herself a cup of coffee. And Alice was sitting by the kitchen table, chattering happily while munching on some toast.

It was with great relief that I noted that Carlisle was nowhere to be seen this morning. I didn't think I would be able to handle his concern about yesterday's events on top of everything else. Thankfully, Emmett was clearly absent as well. I figured both of them had left early.

"Good morning, Edward." Esme turned around with a smile, having obviously heard me enter the room. "There's toast and coffee if you're hungry. Help yourself."

In all honesty, right now, the mere thought of food made my stomach turn, but since I always skipped lunch at school, I knew I had to eat something if I wanted to make it through the day without getting into any unnecessary trouble. Because my temper would get about ten times worse when I was hungry; it wouldn't take much for me to explode. And that was just about the last thing I needed today.

So I went over to the kitchen counter and put two slices of white bread in the toaster, before picking up a clean cup from the dish stand and heading for the coffee. Then I slumped down on a chair and reached for the morning paper, hoping that would keep Alice and Esme from talking to me. Because I didn't want to start the morning by lashing out at one of them, when they had done nothing to deserve it.

And with the mood I was in right now, I could see something like that happen all too easily.

However, Alice had never been one for taking the hint. Or - which seemed more likely - she just didn't care. She quickly gulped down her orange juice and turned to me. "Hey Edward, would you mind giving me a ride today? I'm going to Jasper's house after school, so I can't take my own car."

I blinked in confusion, not really understanding why she couldn't just drive by herself to Jasper's, but then decided that trying to figure out how Alice's mind worked would only give me a headache. "Whatever," I mumbled in somewhat reluctant agreement, unable to come up with any good reason to say no.

That was until I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to pick up Bella. Fuck! And here I was hoping I could just let that particular arrangement pass without anyone noticing. I closed my eyes for a moment, silently debating with myself how to explain without making an unnecessarily big deal about the whole thing.

Unfortunately, I came up with nothing.

So, about twenty minutes later, I backed us out of the driveway and headed for the main road. When Alice noticed we were going in the opposite direction from school, she turned towards me in confusion. "Um, you know, school's back the other way."

As if I didn't know that. Or did she think I had developed a sudden case of dementia over night? I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm aware."

She frowned. "So, where are you going?"

I sighed, seeing no other option than simply telling her the truth. "I promised to pick up Bella." I kept looking through the windshield, stubbornly avoiding to face her, so I was totally unprepared for her reaction.

At first, there was only silence. Then Alice let out a high-pitched squeal that made me practically jump through the roof. I turned my head to glare at her, my heart beating wildly in my chest and my embarrassment forgotten. "Would you stop that?! You want us to end up in the fucking ditch?!"

Ignoring my outburst, Alice eagerly started clapping her hands together, bouncing up and down in her seat. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Edward, this is wonderful! I just knew the two of you would hit it off eventually! God, I'm so happy, I could just..."

She stopped, her smile faltering a little. "Wait a minute. Bella doesn't know I'm coming along, does she? Why didn't you say something sooner? I could've gone with Emmett; I didn't mean to impose on your date!"

I kind of felt like my head was spinning as I tried to keep up with Alice's - in my opinion - overwhelming enthusiasm. Then her last word registered in my brain, and my eyes widened. "Date?!" I spluttered, staring at her in shock. "This is not a fucking date, I'm just giving her a ride to school!"

Her face fell a little. Although she quickly covered up, waving her hand in dismissal. "Of course. Not a date, I understand. You guys are just friends, right?" I nodded and turned my attention back to the road, knowing that if she could see the yearning look in my eyes, she would be able to see right through me.

Alice was quiet for about ten seconds before she spoke up again, "So, when are you gonna take her out on a real date?"

"Alice. " My grip tightened around the steering wheel, and I wished she would just fucking drop it. She knew perfectly well that I didn't date; the mere idea was ridiculous.

"Fine." Alice let out a defeated sigh. "Forget that I brought it up. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking." A pause. "So, I guess you wouldn't mind if Bella dated someone else, then."

My eyes shot to Alice, and this time, I nearly did end up in the ditch. "Who?!" I demanded, as fury - along with some unfamiliar feeling that I couldn't quite identify - welled up inside me.

_I don't care who it is, I'll fucking kill him! Bella's mine!_

Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from? Squeezing my eyes shut, I forced myself to take a deep breath. I knew I had no right thinking like that. Bella was no fucking object; she was a person. Of course she could date whoever she wanted to. And why wouldn't she? Prom was coming up, and while she - as far as I knew - hadn't agreed to go with anyone so far, it was probably just a matter of time.

I mean, it wasn't like I would ever offer to take her. The thought of so much as setting my foot in the crowded gym at prom night - or any night, for that matter - made me feel sick to my stomach. There would be people everywhere, pushing and pressing against each other. They would get way too close, and there would be nowhere to escape.

_So, forget about the fucking prom. Surely you could take Bella someplace else. Somewhere quiet, where you don't have to worry about anyone invading your personal space._

Yeah, right! Like dinner and a fucking movie? That might be something a normal couple would do. But, for one thing, Bella and I were not a couple. And we were back to the fact that I didn't date. Because I couldn't stand the idea of anyone touching me. And even _I_ realized that a real date would lead to some kind of physical contact sooner or later.

_You don't seem to have a problem with Bella touching you anymore._

I tried to block the annoying voice out, knowing it didn't make any difference. I was too fucked up to ever date anyone, period. And even if I could, there was just no way Bella would want to go out with someone like me. For some unexplainable reason, she was willing to be my friend, which was way more than I deserved. But that was it. There was no point in dwelling on what I could never have.

"Edward? Hello?" Alice's worried voice caused me to snap out of it, and I gave her a startled look. For a moment, I had forgotten she was there. She suddenly looked remorseful. "I wasn't being serious before, you know. I'm sorry; I was just teasing you. I know for a fact that Bella has no interest in dating anyone else. Really."

I just looked at her, not sure what to think. She went on, a soft expression on her face. "Look, Edward, I think it's really great that you and Bella have become friends. She's the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met, and I know she genuinely cares about you." She hesitated. "And you really care about her, too, don't you?"

Although her words made me feel both uncomfortable and exposed, I suddenly didn't have the heart to lie. Somehow, denying my feelings seemed like a betrayal towards Bella. Still, I couldn't bring myself to meet Alice's eyes as I finally responded, quietly, "Yes."

Having been half expecting another piercing scream of excitement, I was both relieved and a little surprised when Alice's only response was a simple "Okay." And I actually found myself able to relax a little, as the rest of the drive to Bella's house went by in merciful silence.

Bella was already out waiting on the front porch when we arrived, fidgeting with her school bag in a somewhat nervous manner, and I found myself wondering if she had actually expected me to stand her up. The way her face lit up when she spotted us made me feel strangely warm inside, and I was unable to suppress a longing sigh.

Ignoring the knowing grin on Alice's face, I jumped out without thinking, hurrying around the car to open the door for Bella. I was immediately rewarded with a smile that just about took my breath away. "Thank you," she said in a soft voice, looking deep into my eyes for a moment, before glancing into the car.

Following her gaze, I was once again reminded of Alice's presence, and suddenly felt a little anxious. "Um..." I swallowed. "Alice needed a ride as well. You don't mind, do you?"

"Edward, don't be silly; of course I don't mind." Bella waved briefly at Alice before turning back to me, lowering her voice, "Thanks for coming. Although I feel kinda bad for making you drive all the way here, just to pick me up."

I held back a snort. "Really, Bella, the town's not that big. It was nothing." Then I awkwardly lowered my eyes. "Sorry for making you sit in the back, though. The front seat's already occupied." I gestured towards Alice with an apologetic grimace.

Bella shook her head. "I don't mind sitting in the back." She hesitated for a moment, and I got the feeling she wanted to say something more. Instead she just gave me a wistful look. "I guess we should be going. Don't wanna be late." I nodded in agreement - although somewhat reluctantly - and waited for her to slip into the back seat before carefully closing the door behind her.

It was strange, how much something as simple as Bella's presence affected me. But as soon as I saw her standing outside the house, my troubled thoughts and apprehension seemed to just melt away, and all of the sudden, I was filled with the soothing feeling of peace that only came when Bella was around.

Unfortunately, the spell was broken the moment we reached the school parking lot and I was forced to step out of the car. Alice hurried off in search of Jasper, leaving me and Bella to slowly approach the school building. Of course, I couldn't be certain whether Bella shared my reluctance to head inside, or if she just followed my pace.

Clearly sensing my sudden wariness, Bella glanced at me in concern. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, immediately tensing up as we passed a large group of girls, looking in our direction and whispering. "Nothing," I lied, desperately fighting the urge to punch something. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't believe me, but thankfully, she didn't push.

As we walked through the corridor, heading for our lockers, I felt like everybody was staring at me. I held my breath, praying no one would be bold enough to say anything to my face, because I was already on edge and would most likely snap at the first comment. And I really didn't want Bella to have to witness another one of my violent explosions, which would probably scare her away for good.

_But she promised to stay._

Luckily, we made it to Bella's locker without any incidents, however, I refused to let my guard down and relax. This was going to be a long day, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. As I waited for Bella to grab her books and slam the locker shut, my fingers kept itching for a smoke. Unfortunately, I was all out.

Did I mention that this would be a really long, fucking day?

"Look, I need to go if I don't wanna be late for class." Bella bit her lip - something I had come to learn she did quite often - and she gave me a hopeful look. "I'll see you at lunch, though, right? We'll sit together?"

I didn't think it was possible for my agitation to grow any stronger, but apparently, I was wrong. Lunch at school was a touchy subject for me, one that I wasn't looking forward to explain to Bella any time soon. How could I possibly tell her that the mere idea of entering the crowded cafeteria made me feel nauseous? If she didn't consider me a freak before...

"Um..." I swallowed and shoved my hands down in my pockets, not wanting Bella to see how much they were suddenly shaking. "Look, Bella... I - I don't..." I stuttered, once again furious at my inability to do any of the things a normal person would do. And what was even worse, I couldn't even find the words to explain why.

Lowering my eyes to the floor as I couldn't bear to see the disappointed - and most likely hurt - look on Bella's face, I quickly took a step back and mumbled, "I've gotta go, all right? I'm sorry. I'll see you later?" It took a moment before I realized that the last part had come out as a question, but I was too much of a coward to stick around and wait for her answer. So I turned around and left, although it made my entire body ache.

Somehow, I managed to get through the morning classes without drawing any unwanted attention to myself, although my mind was occupied with thoughts of Bella, and what she must be thinking about me for just taking off and leaving her in the middle of the hallway without much of an explanation.

By lunch time, I slowly made my way towards my locker to drop off my books, my steps heavy as I pictured Bella in the cafeteria, laughing and chattering with Alice and the others. Not that I actually wished I was there, too, but it was just another reminder of how I would never really fit into Bella's life. The more I thought about it, the more depressed I became.

Until I reached my locker and found Bella already standing there, her eyes searching through the crowd until she spotted me. Then she perked up, visibly, and hurried to meet me. "Hi."

"Hey." I hesitated a little. "Shouldn't you be in the cafeteria?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I came straight to find you. The way I see it, eating's highly over-rated." Her stomach suddenly made a growling sound, and she blushed.

I sighed. "Bella, this is ridiculous. You're not going around fucking starving because of me. Just go eat."

"I will." She rolled her eyes. "The whole 'eating's over-rated' thing was a joke, Edward. Of course I'm going to eat." I opened my mouth, but she wasn't finished. "And so are you."

My eyes widened in alarm, and I shook my head, firmly. "I'm not hungry. I'll eat when I get home."

"How can you not be hungry?" Bella gave me a doubtful look. "Alice told me you barely touched your breakfast this morning."

_Fucking Alice, and her big mouth!_

I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the panic to go away. "Bella-"

"Edward..." She cut me off, her voice suddenly soft, and my eyes immediately went to the hand she was holding out. "It's okay, just relax. We're not going to the cafeteria. Will you just trust me?"

Blinking in confusion, I was both astonished and horrified by the fact that she had somehow figured out the reason behind my unwillingness to eat at school. I kept staring at her hand, so close, but yet so far away. Because all of the sudden, I was frozen at the spot, unable to move.

Finally I realized that Bella had asked me a question, and was waiting for my answer. I managed to snap out of the stupor, and slowly reached out my own hand, hesitantly grasping hers. Not trusting my voice to hold, I just nodded, dumbfounded.

The relief on her face was obvious, and she gave me a small smile. "Good. Then come with me."


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:**** I'm currently working on the next chapter, and will most likely post it within the next couple of days. Until then, feel free to stop by at the Loner thread at the forum over at Twilighted. I will post a teaser for chapter 23 some time later today. **

***~*~***

BPOV

It all happened so fast, I barely got the chance to react, let alone object. One moment, Edward and I were standing by my locker, and the next, he was already at the other side of the hallway, leaving me to stare after him with my mouth open and wondering what had just happened.

All I had done was ask him to sit with me at lunch.

For a brief moment, I considered running after Edward and demanding to know what the problem was, but I quickly decided against it, sensing that this was not a time for chasing him. If he wanted some space, I would give it to him. Besides, whether I liked it or not, I had classes to attend.

But did I do something wrong? Was Edward mad at me for some reason? He hadn't seemed mad, merely uncomfortable, but I couldn't be certain.

"Bella! Hey, Bella, wait up!" A familiar voice brought me out of my troubled thoughts, and I threw a look over my shoulder, seeing Jessica and Lauren heading in my direction.

I put on a strained smile. "Hey, guys." Jess had been nice to me the first couple of days, however, I hadn't really talked to her lately. Lauren on the other hand hadn't made much of an impression on me, seeing how she had barely said two words to me so far. Still, I included her in my greeting, not wanting to be rude.

To my surprise, Jessica's smile seemed even more forced than mine, and she glanced at Lauren before turning back to me. "Bella, seriously, the whole school's talking. What's going on?"

"Huh? Talking about what?" I gave her a bewildered look, wondering why she would think I knew anything of importance. Then a couple of older girls walked by, all of them staring at me as they passed, and I frowned. Okay, so maybe something was going on. I just didn't know what, although I suspected I was about to find out.

Lauren sneered at me, not bothering to answer my question. "Maybe you should just hang with the _Cullen's_ from now on." She practically spat the name out, and I blinked in confusion, too stunned to come up with some response.

Jess let out a nervous laugh. "It's not like they're all bad. I mean, Emmett's all right, and he's dating Rosalie Hale. She has _the_ coolest car, by the way. And Alice, well, she's a little weird, but she's got really great fashion sense. Look, Bella, don't take this the wrong way; we're just trying to help you. You're new here, and something like this could totally ruin your reputation."

I turned my attention from Lauren to Jessica, unable to keep the doubt out of my voice. "I have a reputation?" Then I finally understood where she was going with this. "Are you saying this is about Edward?" Lauren just gave me a 'duh' look, and I blushed, feeling a little stupid for not putting the pieces together sooner. That would explain the looks and whispers, but seriously, didn't people here have anything better to gossip about?

Jess grimaced, somewhat apologetically. "I mean, I know the guy's your lab partner, which is totally not your fault, by the way. But seriously, you don't have to talk to him when you're not in class. And siding with him against Mike Newton? God, Bella, what were you thinking? Edward Cullen's a freak; everybody knows that! You can't just-"

I cut her off in her ramblings, having heard enough, "Okay, just stop it, right there. I don't have to stand here and listen to this." She opened her mouth, but I went on, only getting angrier by the minute, "You guys think I actually give a damn about something as trivial as my 'reputation'? Well, think again. You have no right telling me who I can or cannot talk to, you hear me? Edward happens to be my friend, which is more than I can say about you two."

They just stared at me in shock. I rolled my eyes. "You know what? You guys are just wasting my time. Excuse me." With that, I spun around and walked away with my head high, although I was fuming on the inside. Who the hell did Jessica and Lauren think they were? With friends like them, who needed enemies? I sure wasn't going to shed any tears over losing their so called friendship.

In fact, I really couldn't care less what they thought of me.

I had just stepped around a corner when I saw something that made me stop dead in my tracks. About twenty feet away from me, leaning back against the line of lockers, was Mike Newton. However, what made me react was the person standing next to him. It was Emmett. The two of them were in the middle of what seemed to be a private conversation, talking in low voices with their heads close together.

As I watched them from a safe distance, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on, and I started to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Were Emmett and Mike actually friends? Had I been wrong in my assumption yesterday, regarding Emmett's motive for breaking up the fight? Had he just interfered to help Mike, not really caring about the fact that his brother might get in trouble?

All of the sudden, I didn't know what to think.

Then something totally unexpected happened; something I never would've predicted. Without warning - at least as far as I could see - Emmett slammed his fist right into the locker, just barely missing Mike's face with about an inch. I could see Mike shrink back in fear with his eyes shut as Emmett leaned in close and said something, unfortunately, I was unable to make out any of the words.

In the next moment, Mike rushed off like the devil himself was after him. I watched the scene playing out in front of me, my eyes wide in disbelief. That was when I realized Emmett had spotted me, and was now heading towards me. Not really sure of what to do, I just remained where I was, waiting to see what he would do.

He stopped in front of me, a somewhat sheepish expression on his face. "I guess you saw that, huh?"

"Um..." I shook my head to clear it. "I guess. Not exactly sure what it was I just saw, though, but yeah. I saw." I paused. "Okay, would you mind explaining...?"

"I'm not a complete jerk, Bella," he interrupted me, his words making me blink in surprise. "I know you don't think much of me, but did you actually expect me to just let Newton get away with that stunt he pulled yesterday?"

I eyed Emmett suspiciously, because in all honesty, I had. But as I now looked him in the eyes, I wondered if maybe I had been wrong about him after all. Because he suddenly seemed so sincere, and - for some reason - eager for me to believe him. I just wasn't sure why my opinion would mean anything to him.

So I shrugged, feeling kind of awkward. "I don't know you, Emmett. Isn't that what you said to me yesterday? How am I supposed to know what to expect from you?"

"True." He looked a little embarrassed. "I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, then."

"Uh-huh." I gave Emmett a skeptical look. "Or you'll just have to work a bit harder to convince me." Whether he was being sincere or not, I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. Because I wanted some answers.

He raised a brow. "Are you serious?" I just looked at him, expectantly, and he let out a sigh. "What do you want me to say?"

"Just tell me one thing." I crossed my arms over my chest. "Do you care about your brother at all?"

Emmett just stared at me for a moment. Then he shook his head in exasperation. "What kind of fucking question is that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" The sarcasm in my voice was obvious. "I forgot; you're not really brothers. My mistake. Let me start over. Do you care about _Edward_ at all?" He kept staring at me, but now he started to look angry, and for a brief moment, I was afraid I had over-stepped my bounds and gone too far. Still, I refused to back down.

"Now look..." Emmett hesitated a little, and I could see how he struggled to keep his voice down. After all, we were standing in the middle of the hallway, with people passing by and throwing curious looks in our direction. "I _could_ tell you to just back the hell off and mind your own damn business, because you're really pushing it right now."

He was right; I really was. Funny how I just couldn't find it in me to care.

Emmett went on, "But I can see that, in your own annoying way, you're really just trying to help. I'm not stupid, Bella. You obviously have a thing for Edward. And he clearly feels the same way about you. But you really need to stop and think things through before you go any further; make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. Because... what?" He stopped, giving me a look of confusion.

I realized I was staring at him with my mouth hanging wide open, and had to remind myself to breathe. "Did Edward tell you... that he has some kind of... _feelings_ for me?"

"No, Bella." Emmett rolled his eyes, and I knew he could see how my face fell. He sighed. "Edward doesn't talk to me, all right? Hell, he doesn't really talk to anyone. But I'm not blind; I've seen the way he looks at you." He gave me a thoughtful look. "To answer your question - yes, I care. Of course I do. But sometimes, he's making it really fucking hard."

"All right, I know you don't get along." I struggled to keep the irritation out of my voice. "But are you telling me it's all Edward's fault? That you're completely innocent? I'm sorry, Emmett, but I just don't buy that."

Emmett glared at me. "I never said that. But there are things you don't know, Bella, things you couldn't possibly understand, because you're obviously just looking at the situation from Edward's point of view. It's easy for you to stand there and accuse me of being some heart-less douche bag who don't give a fuck."

I opened my mouth, but he wasn't finished. "But I'm telling you, it's really hard to be supportive when all you ever get for your effort is a fucking slap in the face." Seeing how my eyes widened, he clarified, "Figuratively speaking, of course. Edward wouldn't dare hit me for real."

"How come?" I asked, a little surprised. Sure, Emmett was a lot bigger than Edward, but somehow, I doubted that would stop him, should he ever feel provoked or threatened. But Emmett had sounded pretty sure of himself.

He shrugged, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, and I got the feeling he hadn't intended to let that particular information slip out. "Well, I might've hinted once that he shouldn't mess with me, or Dad wouldn't hesitate to send him back to where he came from," he reluctantly admitted, avoiding to meet my eyes.

"What?!" I stared at him in horror, absolutely shocked by his cruelty. "Are you serious? What the hell's wrong with you?!"

"Hey, I was just a kid at the time," Emmett protested, defensively. "Hell, I don't know why I'm telling you this. Look, Bella, I'm not perfect. I've done some things I'm not very proud of, but you don't know what it's like to live in the same house as Edward. I swear; not a day goes by without him either throwing a tantrum or locking himself up in his room, refusing to talk to anyone."

I swallowed hard, Emmett's words making me feel nauseous. It suddenly hit me that Edward wasn't the only one suffering; the whole situation had to take its toll on the rest of the family as well. Still, I couldn't find it in me to feel all that sympathetic towards them. Because as far as I was concerned, if they had been living with Edward for six years without managing to break through his defenses, they hadn't been trying hard enough.

No matter how much I tried to push this new-found information to the back of my mind, I was unable to let it go and pay attention during my morning classes. Every time one of my teachers called on me, I ended up staring at them blankly before admitting with flushing cheeks that I hadn't heard the question. And every time, I felt beyond humiliated. Still, I couldn't focus for the life of me.

It was between two classes that I happened to run into Alice in the hallway. She took one look at my miserable expression and dragged me with her into the girls' bathroom, demanding to know what was wrong. To tell the truth, I didn't even know where to begin. Of course, Alice wasn't stupid. "Did you and Edward get into a fight or something?" she asked, flat out.

"No." I sighed. "At least I don't think so. I'm not sure. I might've done something to upset him, although I can't figure out what."

She got a concerned look on her face. "What happened?"

"That's the thing - I don't know." I rolled my eyes, unable to hide my frustration. "I just asked him to sit with me at lunch, and suddenly he couldn't get away from me fast enough."

"Oh." Alice nodded in understanding. "Look, Bella, you didn't do anything wrong. You see, Edward won't step inside the cafeteria. He..." She hesitated. "Well, he hasn't exactly said anything out loud, but I think it makes him feel uncomfortable. You know, too many people."

I gave her a doubtful look. "Are you saying he never eats here at school?" She just shrugged and shook her head, and I felt a pang in my chest. The thought of Edward rather going around hungry an entire day because he couldn't bring himself to enter the cafeteria was almost more than I could stand.

In that moment, I got an idea.

About an hour later, I was standing by Edward's locker, clutching my school bag tightly as I nervously looked around, hoping I hadn't missed him. When I finally spotted him, slowly walking across the corridor, I had to fight the urge to just run straight up to him. Instead I took a deep breath, forcing myself to stay calm. "Hi."

"Hey." He appeared to be a little surprised, but I noted with relief that he didn't seem disappointed to see me. "Shouldn't you be in the cafeteria?"

I shook my head firmly, keeping my tone light as I made a lame joke about eating being over-rated. Of course, my stomach had to betray me by growling, loudly, and I couldn't hide my embarrassment. However, Edward's panicked expression when I told him that he was going to eat as well made me immediately turn serious.

Quickly assuring him that we wouldn't go anywhere near the cafeteria, I went on by asking him to trust me. And I could've cried in relief and happiness when he took my hand and nodded, after a moment of hesitation. I managed a small smile. "Good. Then come with me."

Edward followed without objection as I led him through the corridor and out of the school building. A few people stopped to stare at us, but luckily, no one made any comments. I was pleased to notice that the sky was overcast, but it wasn't raining. All the better. On the rare occasions when the sun made its appearance here in Forks, practically everyone would find their way outside during lunch break.

As I looked around, my eyes landed on a couple of empty picnic tables, about a hundred feet away. Perfect. Edward followed my gaze, and gave me a questioning look. I nodded and tugged gently on his hand, heading for the farthest of the tables, standing by itself under a large tree.

Once we reached the picnic table, I carefully put my school bag down on the wooden bench and sat down, making sure to leave enough space for Edward. Then I opened the bag and deliberately took a moment longer than necessary to rummage through the contents, giving him a minute to decide whether to sit next to me, or to simply take a seat across the table.

Hesitating a little, he then slowly sat down on the same side as me, although not so close that our bodies were touching. Still, it took just about everything I had to keep from grinning like an idiot and bounce up and down a la Alice. Instead, I settled for giving him a soft smile.

Edward watched in silence as I started pulling out various items from my bag and placing them at the table in front of us. It wasn't much really, just some simple stuff I had gotten from the cafeteria; two different cans of soda, an apple, a banana, two small cups of yoghurt, and two sandwiches with ham and cheese, wrapped in plastic. Maybe tomorrow I could bring a lunch bag with a more decent meal, but today, this would just have to do.

Glancing at Edward, I suddenly felt a little shy. "I'm afraid that's all I got. I thought of bringing the mac and cheese, but I didn't think the inside of my bag would approve." I rolled my eyes at my pathetic attempt of a joke.

Edward raised a brow and let out a snort. Then he became serious. "Really, Bella, you didn't have to do this."

"I know. But I wanted to." I shrugged. "I wanna spend the lunch with you. And seeing how you don't wanna eat in the cafeteria, I figured we'll just have to find another way. Simple as that."

He was quiet for a moment, watching me intently. Then he lowered his eyes. "What made you realize I don't wanna eat in the cafeteria?"

"Um..." I bit my lip, deciding not to lie to him. "Alice kind of indicated that you're not much for crowded places." Seeing the alarmed look on Edward's face, I hurried to add, "To tell the truth, neither am I. I'm sort of relieved, actually. This is so much nicer." I almost added 'Just the two of us', but stopped myself at the last second, fearing such an intimate statement would make him feel uncomfortable.

He gave me a doubtful look, as if he still couldn't see why I would willingly choose his company, and it nearly made my eyes well up. But I took a deep breath, put on a brave smile, and picked up the soda cans from the table. "So, Pepsi or Dr Pepper?"

As Edward hesitantly reached for the can of Pepsi, not taking his eyes away from my face, I couldn't help but think that we were slowly moving forward. Even though we were taking baby steps, we definitely seemed to be going in the right direction. And the thought thrilled me to no end.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:****I'd like to put an extra warning on this chapter. You all know what this story is about by now, but there will be a scene in which sexual abuse is lightly described. Again, nothing too graphic, but I still thought I'd mention it since some of you might find it disturbing.**

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EPOV

There was so much I wanted to say in that moment, but my mind was filled with a whirlwind of mixed emotions, keeping me from thinking straight. So I wordlessly accepted the can of Pepsi from Bella, opened it and took a small sip as I struggled to gather my thoughts. Once again, Bella managed to amaze me with her kindness.

I found myself wondering how much information Alice had actually given her. While a part of me wanted to ask, I was afraid of finding out the truth. I wasn't stupid; Bella had to have a lot of questions regarding my behavior, and since I wouldn't give her the answers, surely the natural thing would be for her to ask Alice instead.

The more time I got to spend with Bella, the harder it was to keep the truth about my past a secret from her. There were times when I almost managed to convince myself that she wouldn't judge me, and during one of those moments, I had played with the idea of giving her some kind of hint, just to see what her reaction would be.

But in the end, my cowardliness and self preservation won. I had come to depend on Bella too much to dare take the risk of driving her away. Deep down, I knew things were going too fast; Bella was tearing down my walls, and I was scared of what she would find. I was losing control, and it fucking terrified me.

Over the last couple of days, Bella had become the one positive thing in my sad excuse for a life, and all of the sudden, I couldn't bear the thought of going back to the way things had been before. How could I, when I had learned that I was capable of feeling something other than anger and self loathing? Only up until now, I hadn't realized the feeling was hope. Hope for something I couldn't quite describe, something I knew I didn't deserve, but longed for, nevertheless.

How it was possible to dread the idea of losing something you'd never really had, I didn't know. All I knew was that losing Bella now would most likely kill me.

That's why I _should_ be running.

I should be the one to walk away from this, reject her selfless promises of kindness and friendship when I had nothing to offer her in return. I was a fool to stick around, waiting for Bella to realize that I wasn't worth her time and effort. Waiting for her to break the remains of my already battered heart.

Waiting for her to destroy me.

And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted - no, _needed_ - to keep Bella in my life for as long as I could. It was selfish, stupid, dangerous. But the way I felt when I was around her made me want to forget the fact that she held the key to my utter destruction in her hand. Eventually, she would leave. I knew it. This just couldn't last.

My life wasn't some fucking fairytale. The term 'happily ever after' didn't exist in my world. I knew for a fact that life was cold, hard and cruel. There would be no happy ending for me.

I had already accepted that years ago, when I was first hit by the painful realization that my mother wouldn't tell James to remove his hand from the back of my head and stop pressing my face against the hard, wooden floor, even as I was dry-heaving and gasping for air, screaming on the inside and wishing for the pain to Just. Fucking. Stop.

Even now, after all these years, I could still recall the panic and desperation I felt as he kept panting in my ear, forcing his full weight on me and holding me down until he was finished, leaving me silent and defeated on the floor as he scrambled to his feet, pulled up his pants and finally sauntered out of the room.

It was only then - after hearing the merciful sound of the door closing and his footsteps decreasing on the other side - that I would allow myself to break down, no longer able to hold back the muffled sobs of pain and humiliation as I curled up in a fetal position and wept myself into a state of exhaustion.

Of course, even then, I couldn't fully relax. Because I knew he would come back. Maybe not that night, but there would always be the next day. And the next...

"Edward?" Bella's frantic voice brought me back to reality. I realized I had put the soda can down at some point, and was now clenching my fists so tightly that my finger nails were digging into my palms, hard enough to break the skin and cause drops of blood to trickle between my fingers. I frowned, having not felt any pain.

To tell the truth, I still didn't.

Feeling slightly dazed, I raised my eyes to meet Bella's, tilting my head to the side as I noticed that her face had suddenly turned pale. Then I remembered the incident in the kitchen a couple of days ago, when she had passed out at the sight of her own blood, and I quickly shoved my hands down in my pockets. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, barely recognizing my own voice.

My words caused her to snap out of it, and she stared at me in bewilderment. Then she rolled her eyes, rummaged through her school bag until she found what she was looking for, and offered me a Kleenex. "God, Edward..." she mumbled, shaking her head in frustration. "Why are you apologizing to me for?"

Shrugging awkwardly, I just stared at the soft paper tissue she was holding out, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. When I did no motion to take it from her, just buried my trembling hands deeper in my pockets, she sighed. "Please, just talk to me. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" I blinked at her words. "_I_ am!" I finally managed to choke out, angry both at myself and at her, although she had done absolutely nothing to deserve my rage. Which - I supposed - only proved that my words were true.

Bella swallowed visibly, then slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry," she finally whispered. "I'm so sorry he made you feel that way."

I froze, staring at her in shock. Her eyes widened, and she got an alarmed look on her face, immediately raising her hands, as if to prevent me from running away. But no matter how badly I suddenly wanted to, I was unable to move.

_She couldn't possibly know._

"I - I mean the person who hurt you," she stuttered in explanation, wringing her hands nervously. "You said... yesterday..." Her voice trailed off, and she closed her eyes for a moment. I kept staring at her, feeling like my head was spinning, and I didn't know what to think.

It was true; I _did_ admit that someone had hurt me, yesterday, when we were at the meadow. And I supposed it was only natural for Bella to assume that the person in question was a male. But there had been something in her voice when she said the word 'he', and then her reaction afterwards, as if she hadn't intended for it to slip out.

_Fuck!_

"Don't." My hands grasped at the edge of the table, and I lowered my eyes in shame. "Bella, please, just don't..." The pleading note in my voice made me cringe, and I didn't even know what I was trying to tell her.

"Edward..." Bella's voice was trembling, but I refused to look at her. "I'm your friend. Don't push me away. Just..." She inhaled, shakily. "Just let me help you."

"_Help_ me?" I let out a bitter laugh as the shame got replaced by anger, and finally raised my head to look at her. "Fuck, Bella, not you, too!" She opened her mouth, confusion evident on her face, but I went on before she could say anything, "I don't need you to treat me like some fucking charity case; I get enough of that at home!"

"Charity case?!" Shock and anger flashed across her face. "Are you kidding me? Ever considered the fact that people might actually _care_ about you?"

"Yeah, well, they shouldn't bother." I glared at her. "Fucking waste of their time." My voice cracked, much to my horror. Bella became silent, looking at me with large eyes, and the sudden understanding and sympathy I could see there almost made me start blubbering like a fucking kid.

"Edward, no." She instinctively reached out her hand towards me, then stopped, hesitating. "That's not true. Don't you see?" I shook my head in denial, but she continued, "I don't know the details of what you've been through, but he..." she bit her lip, "the person who... _he's_ the one who's bad, not you. He has obviously done his best to convince you otherwise, but that's just... wrong."

I could hear what Bella was saying, it was just that her words didn't make any sense to me. Carlisle and Esme had both told me something similar, as had the countless therapists I had been seeing over the years. But they were all wrong. They had to be. I always did something bad, so James had no choice but to to punish me. Every single time. That's how it worked.

The idea of James coming into my room every night, hurting me for no other reason than his own pleasure, didn't exist to me; I refused to even take it under consideration. I had to believe it was because of me; that if I had only been good and behaved, then none of it would have happened.

Otherwise, the unfairness of it all would without doubt destroy me completely.

"Remember when I told you about what happened to my arm?" I gave Bella a startled look, wondering what on earth had possessed her to bring that up now. She looked me right in the eyes. "For a moment, you thought Phil had hurt me on purpose, didn't you?" I merely nodded, still not understanding where she was going with this.

Bella took a deep breath. "Did you ever consider that I might have done something to deserve it? That I had been..." she swallowed, "bad?"

"What?" My eyes widened as I took in the meaning of her words. "No!" I gasped, horror-struck. "That's not... I - I mean, even if... he had no right to..." My voice trailed off.

"Exactly." Bella paused, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "He had no right. Can't you see the same thing goes for you? Whatever you did, he had no right to hurt you."

Squeezing my eyes shut, I stubbornly shook my head, not wanting to listen to whatever she was trying to tell me. I was only vaguely aware of the fact that Bella and I were still sitting next to each other at the fucking picnic table, the fruit and sandwiches she had brought still lying there in front of us, untouched and forgotten.

I jumped as I felt Bella's small hand cover mine, and my eyes snapped open. A part of me wanted to pull away, and I almost did, but somehow, her touch just felt so fucking good, like soothing balm for both my body and soul. And all of the sudden, I didn't just want it; I needed it, _craved_ it, like the sensation of Bella's soft skin against mine was the only thing that kept me from going insane.

So I grabbed her hand, almost fiercely, hit by a sudden urge to pull her against me and bury my face in the crook of her neck, begging her to make it all go away.

My anger had vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and suddenly, I didn't care about what Bella might be thinking, or what she did or did not know, as long as she wouldn't stop touching me. The irony of it all wasn't lost on me; the thing I used to dread more than anything had somehow become the one thing that would calm me down, anchor me before I would lose myself to the turmoil inside my mind.

I didn't understand it, and I couldn't even begin to explain it. But I wasn't stupid enough to question it, either. Because right now, Bella was here, next to me. She would leave eventually, but right now, she was still here, allowing me the comfort of her presence. And for the moment, that was enough.

"Bella..." I croaked, wishing she would just let the whole thing go, that she would stop telling me all these things I didn't want to hear, that I couldn't comprehend. Because it was all just becoming too much. She gave me a questioning look, and I kept my eyes locked on our hands as I went on, my voice trembling, "I can't do this. Please, if you really are my friend, just talk about something else. Anything."

Bella was quiet for a moment, and I held my breath as I waited for her objections. But to my utter relief, she nodded in agreement. "Yeah, okay..." She hesitated a little, and when she finally spoke up again, I noticed that her voice was somewhat unsteady as well. "Um, have you started studying for the midterms?"

My head shot up, and I stared at her, perplexed. She blushed. "What? That's the first thing that came to me. You said anything."

"Right." I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. Bella was truly amazing. It was only minutes ago that I had yelled and cursed at her, acting like a first class asshole - again. And here she was now, completely willing to drop the subject, just because I had asked her to. In fact, amazing didn't even cover it.

Bella was way too good for me. I didn't deserve her friendship.

Knowing I was dangerously close to falling right back into the dark place in my mind that I so desperately wanted to avoid, I tightened my grip on Bella's hand and forced myself to take a couple of deep breaths. Then I cleared my throat, praying my voice would sound at least somewhat normal. "No, I haven't studied yet. There's still a month or so left. Plan to start the week before. What about you?"

Instead of answering, Bella remained silent, which caused me to frown. Then I followed her gaze, and noticed that she was staring at our intertwined hands. Realizing I was still squeezing hers pretty hard, my eyes widened in alarm as it hit me that I might be hurting her. But before I got the chance to say anything - or pull away - Bella spoke up, quietly, "This is okay, right?" She nodded towards our hands.

I swallowed, not sure how to respond. In fact, it was more than okay, but I didn't know to explain how I felt without making a fool of myself. Besides, my mouth had suddenly become completely dry, so I settled for just nodding. Bella gave me a small smile of relief.

Then she bit her lip, slowly raising her free hand towards my face, her eyes never leaving mine. My heart started beating faster, and I just stared at her, not really sure of what was happening. As her hand got closer, I instinctively tensed up. Bella's movement stilled, and I could see the conflict in her eyes as she was clearly unsure how to proceed.

I tried to relax, firmly telling myself there was no reason for me to feel threatened by Bella's actions. She wasn't going to hurt me; the mere thought was ridiculous. I was still clasping her other hand, and forced myself to ease the grip a little. Then I exhaled, shakily, closing my eyes as I waited for her to go on.

"What about this?" she mumbled, finally placing her small, warm hand gently on my cheek. I let out a soft gasp, and opened my eyes. Bella's face was a mixture of uncertainty and hope as she whispered, "Is this okay, too?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. It was probably just as well, seeing how coherent thoughts were no longer running through my brain. How could I ever make Bella understand that her simple touch made me feel alive in a way I had never experienced before in my life?

How was this possible? What was she doing to me?

"Edward?" I blinked, seeing the sudden panic in Bella's eyes. "Please, say something."

Suddenly terrified that she would remove her hand from my face, I nodded frantically and leaned into her touch, almost desperately. "Yes," I finally managed to get out. "Yes, it's okay."

"Really?" she asked, hopefully. I nodded again, my heart skipping a beat when Bella's face lit up like someone had just told her she had won a million dollars at the lottery.

And all of the sudden, I felt like fucking crying, because I realized that - incredible as it may sound - it was my words of acceptance that made Bella so happy. _I_ was making her happy, simply by telling her I was okay with her touching my fucking face.

As if I was giving her some precious gift, when in reality, it was the other way around.

"Don't stop," I all but whimpered, pleadingly. "Bella, please..."

"Shh..." She ran her fingers tenderly down my cheek. "I'll only stop when you tell me to."

As Bella kept stroking my face, I couldn't help but think that this was all just too good to be true. For a brief moment, I had been allowing myself to hope for something I didn't deserve, something that was out of my reach. Good things just didn't happen to me. Because I was...

_"He's the one who's bad, not you. He has obviously done his best to convince you otherwise, but that's just... wrong."_

Bella's voice echoed in my head, but I stubbornly refused to take in the meaning of her words. Instead I tried to focus on the pleasant feeling of her soft fingers against my skin, reminding myself that it couldn't last, and that I'd better enjoy it while I could.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews! **

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BPOV

I knew I had taken a huge risk, reaching out to Edward and touching him in such an intimate way, and truth be told, I had half expected him to either flinch back, or simply swat my hand away. And he had tensed up at first, almost causing me to lose my nerve and back out.

But the fact that he stayed where he was - making no attempt of getting away from me, despite his obvious wariness - gave me enough courage to go on. And his reaction when I finally dared to put my trembling hand on his cheek left me completely awestruck.

When I asked him if it was okay - my voice barely recognizable, and my heart beating so hard I was convinced that even Edward had to hear it - he didn't answer at first, and for a moment, I feared I had just made a huge mistake. "Please, say something," I whispered, terrified that I had gone too far.

Because in all honesty, after my thoughtless slip of the tongue - when I had almost revealed my knowledge of the fact that Edward's step father had been the one hurting him - a part of me had just been waiting for another disaster, certain that it was just a matter of time before I would mess up again.

Especially after his sudden fit of rage, when I had told Edward I wanted to help him.

But when he had angrily stated that people shouldn't bother to care about him, that they would just be wasting their time, something clicked inside my head, and all of the sudden, I could see right through the hard facade he so desperately tried to keep up.

Seeing how my words alone didn't seem to get through to him - although I hoped they had made enough impression on him to at least scrape the surface - I did the only thing I could think of at the moment, the only thing that had seemed to compose him before.

I offered him my hand.

And to my utter relief and happiness, it had worked. In fact, Edward hadn't just taken my hand and held it; he had been clasping it so hard, I was half convinced I would have a bruise in the morning. Of course, even if that turned out to be the case, I could care less. Because something about the way he was suddenly clinging to me made me feel like we were about to cross an important level of some kind.

Which had turned out to be true.

Because instead of pulling away from me, Edward actually pressed his cheek further into my palm, as if he suddenly dreaded the loss of contact. "Yes," he finally told me in a thick voice. "Yes, it's okay." And his words of acceptance made me want to jump up and down in pure joy.

But it was his next words that made my heart practically burst with emotion.

"Don't stop," he pleaded, his eyes full of uncertainty and fear, as if he was expecting me to reject him. "Bella, please..."

And I just couldn't take it anymore. "Shh..." I whispered, struggling to hold back a sob. "I'll only stop when you tell me to."

If it was up to me, I would be more than willing to just keep touching him forever.

As I kept caressing his face with slightly trembling fingers, I firmly told myself that the only thing Edward needed - or wanted - from me at this point was comfort. Still, a part of me couldn't help but hope that, one day, he would be ready for something more. Of course, I kept that thought to myself.

We spent the next five minutes in a comfortable silence, drinking what was left of our sodas and munching on the food I had brought. Although we had to break the physical contact temporarily as we ate, my hand always found its way back to Edward's face between bites and swallows, and he kept reaching for my hand.

While it felt like hours - or possibly days - had passed since Edward and I had left the school building to come out here, the lunch break was over all too quickly, and it was time to head back inside for the next class. Which - thankfully - happened to be Biology, so at least we wouldn't have to split up.

Because right now, I didn't think I would be able to tear myself away from Edward if my life depended on it. And I had a feeling he felt the same way.

We didn't really talk much as we walked through the corridors, only stopping at our lockers to pick up the books we needed. And luckily, unlike this morning, most of the other students seemed too busy to pay much attention to me and Edward, because we made it to the classroom without any uncomfortable incidents.

However, as we crossed the room, heading for our lab table in the back, I didn't fail to notice the hateful glare I received when we passed Tyler Crowley, and I immediately lowered my eyes to the floor, shame welling up inside me as I remembered how he had asked me to the prom last week, and my reaction when he had grabbed my arm.

All of the sudden, I felt the familiar beginning of a headache coming up, and it took just about every ounce of self control I possessed to keep moving forward until I reached my seat. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I reached into my pocket, searching desperately for my pills while I prayed no one would notice.

That was when I felt a tentative hand on my arm. "Bella? What's wrong?" I hadn't even noticed Edward slipping into the seat next to mine.

Swallowing hard, I tried to focus on his worried face, instead of the large, white spots suddenly dancing before my eyes. "My head," I admitted quietly, giving up the attempt of acting like everything was fine. Pulling out the small, plastic bottle, I quickly hid it under the table as I struggled to get it open.

"Here, let me," Edward murmured, carefully taking the bottle from my shaking hands and easily removing the lid. Then he hesitated for a moment, before shaking out two of the small pills in his hand and looked at me, somewhat uncertainly. "Two enough?"

I nodded, gratefully taking the pills from him and discreetly slipping them into my mouth. Thankfully, this episode was only a mild one; nowhere near as bad as it had been the night of the sleep-over. Still, it made me feel both embarrassed and annoyed.

It just didn't make any sense; the way I kept getting these stupid attacks. I first started having them after my mom died, which the doctors had assured me was a perfectly normal - yet not very common - reaction when dealing with a lot of stress and grief. But this time, I hadn't even been thinking about her. Not to mention the fact that I had been able to talk about both my mom and Phil, at several occasions lately, without a problem.

So, why now, all of the sudden?

Feeling Edward's eyes on me as I let out a shaky breath, I glanced at him. "I'm fine." He didn't look totally convinced, but as Mr Banner chose that moment to enter the room, announcing that class was about to begin, Edward had no choice but to let it go for now. In a way, I was almost relieved, not really comfortable with people seeing this weak, helpless side of me.

I didn't miss the somewhat concerned looks Edward kept giving me as I tried to focus on the notes I was taking during class, although he was clearly trying to be discreet about it. While a part of me kind of liked the fact that he obviously cared about my wellbeing, I felt a little bad for making him worry about me in the first place.

At one point, I noticed how Edward tensed up in his seat. When I followed his gaze, I realized he was glaring daggers at Tyler, who kept throwing annoyed glances at me over his shoulder when Mr Banner was facing another direction. I let out a sigh. It looked as if Tyler might become a problem. The last thing I wanted was for Edward to get into any more trouble because of me.

Luckily, my sigh seemed to be the distraction Edward needed to turn his attention from Tyler to me. As he gave me a questioning look, I managed a small smile, mouthing, "Can't wait to get out of here." He relaxed, visibly, and nodded in agreement.

However, despite my words, I took a little more time than necessary to gather my books and get up when the bell rang, knowing it meant that I not only had to go to Gym, but also part from Edward. Although I wanted nothing more than to just skip the class today as well, I knew it wasn't an option. Charlie had been pretty cool about it yesterday, but I wasn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice.

But when Edward cleared his throat, suggesting a little nervously that I'd meet him at the parking lot after my final class was over so he could give me a ride home, my irritation about having to go to Gym melted away, and I couldn't keep the happy grin from showing as I eagerly nodded.

The following days went by pretty smoothly, considering the circumstances. Sure, we had our fair share of both ups and downs, but all in all, by the end of the school week, Edward and I only seemed to have grown closer. I started bringing a lunch bag every day, big enough for both of us, and we kept spending the lunch breaks together, out by one of the picnic tables.

At first, Edward had objected, insisting that I shouldn't have to go through all that trouble for him when he just as easily could bring something to eat himself, but I had been persistent, firmly reminding him that I enjoyed cooking, and even more so when I had someone to share it with. After that, he accepted my food without protests, and I could tell that he really enjoyed it, which made me almost ridiculously pleased.

Although Alice had obviously figured out why I had suddenly stopped joining her for lunch in the cafeteria, she surprised me by not making an overly big deal about it. As she glanced at my lunch bag one day, she only gave me a soft smile, and told me with a wink to let Edward make lunch for _me_ some time, and not just the other way around.

Needless to say, her words made my cheeks turn bright red, but I still managed a smile and a nod before I rushed off to meet Edward by his locker.

Even though Edward seemed to be comfortable enough around me, he always tensed up in company of others, and he avoided situations where he had to interact with any of the other students in school - including his brother and sister - as much as he possibly could. While his behavior did make me feel special in a way, I didn't fail to see the sad part of it all.

It was painfully obvious that - aside from me - Edward trusted no one. And, to be perfectly honest, I couldn't deny the fact that he still didn't trust me completely. Because, even though he had come to accept - and once or twice actually initiated - some kind of physical contact between us, he simply refused to open up to me about his past.

While my heart ached for him, I also couldn't help but feel sorry for his family. Because - as much as I had initially believed otherwise - it became more and more clear to me that they actually _did_ care about Edward. They just didn't seem to know how to handle him, which was downright tragic, seeing how they had been living with him for so many years.

It was Friday, with lunch break being almost over, when Edward started fidgeting and running his fingers through his hair, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that he was nervous about something. So, naturally, I silently told myself to be prepared for the worst. However, his next words came as a total shock.

"Look..." Edward kept his eyes on the remains of his tuna sandwich. "If you don't want to, that's fine, I mean, I understand if you've already made plans for tonight. But..." He hesitated. "If you're not busy or anything, you could always..." Glancing briefly at me, he then quickly looked away again and mumbled, "come over to our house for dinner."

It took a moment for my brain to register the meaning of his words, but when it did, my eyes widened and I just barely managed to keep from squealing. Edward wanted me to have dinner with him and his family? What did that mean? I wasn't foolish enough to think there were any romantic intentions behind his offer, like he wanted to properly introduce me as his girlfriend, or something, but what the hell?

A girl had the right to dream, right?

"It's just that Alice has been bugging me about this for fucking days. But you can say no if you want, you don't have to..." Edward stopped as he saw how my face fell. "Bella? What's the matter?" There was a slight hint of panic in his voice.

Feeling like all the air had suddenly left me, I swallowed hard, unsuccessfully trying to hide my disappointment. So, it was Alice who had put him up to this? I should have known better than to think Edward would come up with the idea by himself. All of the sudden, I felt very stupid for thinking he was actually ready to bring me home to 'meet the family', although technically, I had already met them.

"That's okay." I struggled to keep my tone light, knowing I was failing miserably. "I know how pushy Alice can be when she wants something. Just tell her I couldn't make it; I'll think of some excuse."

Having been certain that Edward would be relieved, I was surprised when he suddenly looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach. Ducking his head, he nodded in acceptance. "It's all right, I understand. Didn't really expect you to say yes. I mean, I'm sure you've got better things to do on a friday night. Just forget that I asked."

I frowned at his reaction, wondering if maybe I had been jumping to conclusions when I assumed Alice was the only reason he had asked me in the first place. Because all of the sudden, he looked absolutely devastated. "It's not that," I hurried to assure him, deciding to just forget about my stupid pride and be honest. "I just don't want to push you into something you're not up to, that's all."

Edward's head shot up, and he stared at me like I had just grown a second head. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he demanded.

Shrugging, I nervously started fidgeting with the hem of my jacket. "I'd love to come over for dinner," I mumbled, "if you really want me to be there, and you're not just doing this to get Alice off your back."

Finally something seemed to click, and Edward's eyes widened as he obviously realized why I had hesitated. "Fuck!" he muttered, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "Look, Bella, I'm a fucking idiot, all right? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing most of the times, and I know it'll just be a matter of time before I'll screw this shit up for real. But I do want you to be there, don't think for a second that I don't."

Relief welled up inside me and I relaxed, not even bothered by the fact that Edward had just referred to the strange bond between us as 'this shit'. "Then I'll be there," I told him, matter-of-factly. For a moment, he looked a little doubtful, and he watched my face closely, as if to see if I really meant it.

Then he seemed to relax as well. "Thank you." He sighed. "Bella, I'm not used to this."

His words tore at my heart, although I managed a small smile. "Neither am I," I admitted. "But it's okay. We'll just..." I shrugged, searching for the right words, "figure it out along the way." Edward looked so hopeful in that moment, I nearly found the courage to confess how I really felt about him. Nearly, but it wasn't enough. I still feared that the truth would scare him away.

And that would without doubt kill me.

I hadn't been lying to Edward; I really wasn't used to feeling like this. He affected me in some way I couldn't even begin to explain, and it both scared me and thrilled me at the same time. What I'd felt for Jacob, back in Phoenix, didn't even come close to this, even though I had been convinced I was in love with him in the beginning.

But that was before he had started to change. And I would not allow myself to dwell on that anymore. He just wasn't worth it.

As soon as Charlie got home from work, I told him I had been invited over to the Cullen's for dinner. He nodded his approval, before insisting that I'd bring Alice over to our house some time, instead of us just hanging out there. I smiled and nodded, silently wondering how he would react, should I inform him that Alice was not my number one reason for being so eager to go.

I realized I would have to tell Charlie about Edward eventually. But to tell the truth, I was more than a little nervous about how he would take it. An image of my father, demanding to meet the boy who had caught his only daughter's interest in person, so he could question Edward about his intentions while he was pointedly cleaning his shotgun popped into my mind, causing me to cringe.

Okay, so maybe I should just stall things for as long as I could. Especially since Edward and I were just friends, anyway. Right?

All of the sudden, I didn't know what to think.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N:** **Again, I'm so sorry for being so bad at responding to reviews. I'll try to do better. Thank you all so much!**

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EPOV

The first thing I saw when I stepped through the front door was Alice, sitting in front of the TV and trying to act as if she wasn't just waiting for me to come home. As I closed the door behind me, she sat straight up on the couch, one leg bouncing up and down like she had just had about ten cups of fucking coffee, and I gave her a suspicious look. "What?" I demanded.

"What?" she echoed immediately, attempting to sound innocent, but I knew better. Alice opened her mouth, then closed it again, and when she finally spoke up, I could tell that she was having a hard time controling herself. "So, how was your day? Did anything... special happen?" A huge, knowing grin spread on her face.

That's when I realized she must have talked to Bella, and let out a sigh. I shook my head, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about. "No, not really," I lied, watching how her face fell before I slipped past her into the kitchen. Of course, it only took her about two seconds to recover, and I heard how she jumped up from the couch with a huff, and followed.

However, as she entered the kitchen, she just glanced at me before quietly walking over to the sink, grabbing a glass from the dish stand and filling it with water. Then she took a small sip, and leaned back against the counter. "You don't wanna talk to me? That's fine. I just have one question."

Clearly taking my silence as a sign of acceptance, she continued, "Are you planning on actually telling Mom and Dad that you've invited Bella over for dinner tonight, or were you going to just set an extra plate at the table and leave it to them to figure it out?"

Giving her an annoyed look, I then rolled my eyes. "Yes. That's exactly what I was going to do," I muttered, sarcastically. "Think they'll notice?"

Alice let out a soft snort of amusement. Then she became serious. "Look, I only know about this because I asked Bella if she wanted to come over tonight. She got all embarrassed and admitted that she was already invited."

"Oh." I really didn't know what else to say. In a way, I was relieved that Bella hadn't made a big deal about it. A part of me still had a hard time taking in the fact that I had actually made such a bold move as asking Bella over for dinner. Not that I wished I hadn't, but the more I thought about it, the more nervous I became.

"You know, she seemed really happy when I talked to her." Alice got a thoughtful expression on her face. "In fact, I don't recall seeing her this excited before, not even when I invited her over for the sleep-over last week."

"She was excited?" The moment the words had left my mouth, I wished I could just take them back, the hopeful note in my voice making me cringe. But, to my great relief, Alice just nodded, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

So, Bella was excited about tonight? I forced back the urge to grin like a fool. Then reality came crashing back down, and I felt my stomach drop. What if the whole thing turned out to be a complete, fucking disaster? While the thought of letting Bella into my life was scary, to put it mildly, it was nothing compared to the idea of her _not_ wanting to be a part of it.

What if I couldn't handle it? What if Bella decided that she couldn't be friends with someone who would only ever talk on his terms? It was only natural for her to get fed up with me, and leave. Or, what if I eventually _would_ open up to her, tell her everything she wanted to know, and she still left because _she_ couldn't deal with it?

Maybe I was an idiot for hoping Bella would somehow miraculously understand me, should I just dare to give her the chance. Maybe this was all just a huge mistake; me longing for something I could never have.

But she wanted to come here tonight. Hell, according to Alice, Bella had been fucking excited.

And, God help me, so was I.

When Esme appeared in the doorway a couple of minutes later, happily announcing that she was about to start making dinner, Alice conveniently had to leave the room to call Jasper, but not before raising a brow at me and nodding discreetly in Esme's direction, giving me a look I suppose was meant to be encouraging. I sighed.

Esme smiled at me when I remained by the counter. "How was school?"

"Fine," I mumbled, trying to decide how to bring up the fact that Bella was supposed to come over in less than two hours. I found myself actually wishing Alice hadn't left, because normally, she would without a doubt have blurted the whole thing out before I even got the chance to open my mouth, and then I wouldn't have to.

"That's nice." If Esme was disappointed when I didn't elaborate, she didn't let it show. Honestly, I would have been very surprised if she had actually expected me to; she knew I rarely spoke much around the house unless I had to. She walked over to the fridge, glancing at me over her shoulder. "I was thinking chicken casserole and rice. How does that sound?"

"Good." I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice. "Listen, Esme, I was, um..." She turned to look at me, a curious expression on her face, and all of the sudden, I felt beyond awkward. Taking a deep breath, I kept my eyes on my feet as I went on, "I kinda told Bella she could have dinner with us tonight. Is that okay?"

When I finally looked up, she gave me a warm smile. "Edward, of course Bella is welcome to come over. She's such a sweet girl, and I'm so glad the two of you have become... friends?" Her smile faltered a little at the last part, and she gave me a questioning look.

"Right. Thanks. Well, I'll just..." I gestured towards the door, eager to get out of the room before she would start questioning me any further. When Esme just nodded in acceptance, I hurriedly left the kitchen and headed for the stairs. As soon as I was alone up in my room, I searched my school bag for my iPod, hoping some music would help me relax until Bella showed up.

Because I only seemed to get more agitated by the minute. I had a feeling that by the time Bella arrived, I would be a nervous wreck.

When the door bell rang, about an hour later, I was torn between wanting to either rush down the stairs to be the one to let Bella in, or simply stay put and hide here in my room for the rest of the night. But, seeing how I had been the one to ask Bella to come here, I figured the latter would be kind of rude.

Not to mention the fact that I really wanted to see her. It was just that the whole situation suddenly seemed totally surreal to me. And I had no idea what to expect from tonight. It made me feel more than a little anxious. But I took a couple of calming breaths, and slowly left my room.

Bella was standing in the middle of the living room, talking to Esme when I got downstairs, but as soon as she spotted me, her face lit up. "Hi, Edward," she said quietly, blushing a little.

Realizing I was just staring at her like a fucking idiot, I shook my head to clear it and managed to mumble a 'hi' in return. My eyes narrowed as I watched Bella closely, trying to figure out if something was different about her tonight, but she looked just the same as usual. She even wore the same clothes she had in school. And yet - for lack of a better word - she seemed to be glowing.

_Fucking beauitful._

I snapped out of it when Esme cleared her throat. "Well, I better go check on the food. Emmett's having dinner at Rosalie's house, so they won't be joining us. Carlisle should be home any minute." She started towards the kitchen, only to stop when Alice came storming down the stairs, waving the cordless phone in the air. Jasper followed close behind, nodding casually at me and giving Bella a friendly wave.

"Mom, it's Dad on the phone." Alice handed Esme the phone before practically skipping over to Bella and hugging her tightly. As Bella smiled and calmly returned the hug, a strange feeling welled up inside me, and for a moment, a part of me envied Alice. All of the sudden, I got hit by the irrational thought that _I_ wanted to be the only one Bella was touching in any way.

But in the next moment, Bella let go of Alice and took a step closer to me, while Alice walked over to Jasper, giving him a soft smile. I glanced at Bella, trying to resist the urge to take her hand. Not that I really expected her to object if I would, but I didn't feel comfortable touching her with Alice and Jasper in the same room.

Esme chose that moment to re-enter the room, the phone still in her hand and an unreadable expression on her face. When she noticed we were all looking at her curiously, she put on a strained smile. "Um, it looks like Carlisle will be a bit late. He still has a lot of work to do at the hospital. But he said we didn't have to wait for him, so why don't we just start? Dinner is just about ready."

Alice just smiled and followed Esme into the kitchen, Jasper in tow, but I hesitated. I couldn't explain it, but for some reason, I got the sinking feeling there was more behind Esme's words about Carlisle being late; something she wasn't telling us. Her eyes had met mine for a brief moment, and I could just swear I saw something there.

Bella frowned when she realized I wasn't coming, and she gave me a look of confusion. "Something wrong?"

Instead of answering, I tentatively reached out my hand, desperately needing the comfort of her touch. Bella's frown only deepened as she immediately took my hand and held it between hers. "Edward, you're shaking. What's the matter?"

I shook my head, not sure how to make her understand, and gestured pathetically towards the kitchen. "We should just-"

"Edward." Something in Bella's voice made me stop and look at her. She gave my hand a squeeze before hesitantly running her fingers through my hair, and I was unable to hold back a trembling sigh as I instantly relaxed. "I'm nervous, too," she admitted, softly.

For a moment, I was certain my heart had just stopped. My eyes snapped open, and I stared at her in disbelief. "What? Why?" I gasped, wondering if I had heard her correctly. Because it made absolutely no sense to me.

Bella shrugged, clearly embarrassed, although she kept her eyes locked on mine. "Well, I just don't want anything to go wrong tonight, like me falling down, or passing out, or dropping food in my lap. I want your family to like me." I opened my mouth, but she went on, so quietly I was barely able to make out her next words, "I want _you_ to like me."

I blinked, completely awestruck, then swallowed hard. "I do." At first, I wasn't sure whether I had actually spoken the two words out loud, or just in my head. But the look on Bella's face told me she'd heard me, loud and clear. Her eyes widened, and the spark of hope I could see there made me realize she really meant it.

Then she gave me a small, almost shy smile. "I like you, too."

I just stood there, frozen, staring at Bella in shock. I wasn't panicking, at least I didn't think so, but my mind was suddenly racing, so fast I could barely keep up.

Bella liked me?

I wasn't a complete moron; over the last week, Bella had done her best to prove that she genuinely cared about me, which meant that - no matter how utterly absurd it seemed to me - she had to find at least something about me that she liked. So I shouldn't be all that surprised to hear her confirm it. But I was.

When I remained silent, Bella's expression changed, and suddenly she looked alarmed. "Edward, say something, please. God, I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry; I didn't mean-"

"No," I cut her off in her ramblings, shaking my head as I struggled to gather my thoughts. "I just... I mean... Fuck!" I rolled my eyes in frustration, realizing my inability to get the words out had to make me sound like a fucking retard, but I couldn't help myself.

Surely Bella had to mean that she liked me as a friend, and nothing more. I could deal with that.

_But you want it to be more, don't you? You don't want Bella to go around 'liking' any other fucker. You wanna be the only one she's talking to, the only one she's having lunch with. The only one she's touching._

I closed my eyes for a moment. So what if I wanted all those things? What I wanted was irrelevant. When it came to Bella, I could never be worthy of something other than her friendship, and hardly even that. Because I had nothing to offer her, I could never give her what she needed. What she deserved.

Bella was kind, sweet, and pure. I was... nothing.

"Hey..." Bella's hand was suddenly on my arm. "It's okay. Let's talk about this later, all right? The others are probably waiting for us." I could only nod in agreement.

Dinner was... interesting. What surprised me the most was how fucking normal it all felt, like Bella had been a part of the family for years. She was talking, smiling and laughing, and I could do little more than just sit there quietly next to her, watching her in awe. Every now and then, she would give my hand a gentle squeeze under the table, and every time, she glanced at me, as if to silently ask if it was okay.

Okay? What a joke, seeing how it was Bella's presence and soft caresses that made me sit through the entire meal, instead of just gulping down the food before retreating back to my room, as usual.

"So..." Esme passed a large bowl of rice to Jasper. "Do you kids have any plans for the rest of the night?"

Alice spoke up, shaking her head when Jasper offered her the rice in a silent question, "Jazz and I are going back to his place after dinner."

Jasper nodded in confirmation, turning to me and Bella. "You guys wanna come, too? We could all watch a movie or something." He gave me a questioning look.

Knowing it had to be Alice who had made him come up with the suggestion, I fought the urge to tell him what I really thought about the idea - that I would rather spend the night pulling my own teeth out with Carlisle's rusty old cutting pliers.

"We'll pass," I muttered, realizing I probably sounded like an ungrateful douche bag. The disapproving look I received from Alice told me that she agreed. Well, too bad. In all honesty, I couldn't care less.

But then it hit me that Bella might want to go - after all, a movie night at Jasper's house had to be more appealing than spending the night alone with me - and I suddenly felt like shit for not even giving her the option. I swallowed, glancing at her. "I mean, if _you_ wanna go..." My voice trailed off, and I lowered my eyes.

"No!" Bella responded immediately, her cheeks turning slightly red. "I mean, thanks, Jasper, it was really nice of you to ask, but we were just gonna..." She hesitated, looking at me for help. I just shrugged, having no idea what she wanted me to say. "...hang out here," Bella finished, sending an apologetic look in my direction, which made me frown, because I was the one who should be apologizing to her for behaving like an ass.

Luckily, Alice didn't protest. And Esme - clearly sensing the sudden tension at the table - seemed to decide it was time to change the subject. She smiled at Bella. "It's so nice having you here tonight, dear."

"Thank you, Esme." Bella politely returned the smile, her hand finding mine under the table. "I'm really happy to be here," she added, casting a brief look at me.

I felt myself relax, suddenly realizing Bella had practically admitted in front of everybody that she wanted to stay here with me. She could have come up with some excuse about her having to go straight home after dinner, but instead she had told Alice and Jasper that the two of us were going to hang out, like we had already made plans or something.

The thought made me smile, because I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to spend the rest of the night alone with Bella.

Everybody fell back into a comfortable conversation, except me, who kept watching Bella in silence. She seemed so genuinely happy tonight, like there was no place in the world she would rather be, but right here next to me. I could relate to that, although I still had a hard time believing it was all real.

It was a while later, when Alice and Jasper had just carried their empty plates over to the sink and declared it was time for them to leave, that I heard the front door open. A moment later, Carlisle entered the kitchen. He put on a smile, just as strained as Esme's had been earlier, right after receiving his phone call. "Hello, all. I'm terribly sorry I'm so late."

Carlisle's eyes landed on me, and I immediately knew something was up. It wasn't until I heard Bella let out a soft hiss of pain that I realized how hard I was suddenly squeezing her hand, and pulled away like I had just been burned by acid. Something was obviously wrong, and I didn't know what it was. It scared the living crap out of me.

"Listen..." Carlisle started, clearing his throat. "There is something-"

"Carlisle," Esme interrupted him, a warning note in her voice. "Not now." She glanced at Bella. "We have company."

He looked like he was going to object, but then nodded. "You're right. It can wait."

Bella's eyes went from Esme to Carlisle, and I could tell that she had picked up on the tension between them. "Um..." There was a moment of hesitation before she went on. "If you guys want me to go..." She left the rest of the sentence hanging in a silent question.

"No!" I grabbed her arm without even thinking, terrified that she would just get up and leave. Not caring that everybody was suddenly staring at me, I scooted closer to Bella and tightened my grip on her arm, as if to prevent her from moving. "You don't have to go," I managed to get out between gritted teeth as I kept my eyes on Carlisle.

He watched me with large eyes before turning to Bella, slowly nodding his head in agreement. "Of course not." Bella's face was a mixture of relief and confusion, and she bit her lip before placing her hand on top of mine, nodding in acceptance.

"Okay..." Esme rose from her chair, throwing a quick look at Jasper as she made an attempt of starting to clear the table. "Jasper, honey, why don't you and Alice just head over to your house, like you had planned?"

"But..." Alice started to object, but Jasper gave her a look, calmly shaking his head, and she became quiet.

"Sure," he agreed, firmly taking Alice's hand and leading her towards the door. He stopped, casting a brief look over his shoulder. "Esme, thank you so much for dinner. Um, have a nice evening." And they were gone.

Esme walked over to the sink, carefully putting down the empty glasses, then sighed as she remained with her back towards us. "You just _had_ to start this now," she mumbled, and I knew her words were directed at Carlisle. I just didn't understand the meaning of them.

Carlisle gave her a somewhat annoyed look before he cleared his throat again, and turned to me. "Edward. There's something I need to tell you. Would you please follow me into my office?"


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N:**** I'm sorry for the delay. I've been waiting for the chapter to get validated over at Twilighted before posting here, but just found out my validation beta is on vacation. Please let me know if you spot any mistakes in this chapter, since it's un-betad. And thank you all so much for your lovely reviews!**

***~*~***

BPOV

I couldn't deny that my nerves had been all over the place before I arrived at Edward's house, but to my great relief, dinner had been going pretty well, all things considering. Or at least until Carlisle showed up. I didn't know what was happening, but all of the sudden, the tension between him and Esme was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Edward's reaction when I asked if I should leave surprised me. Not that I actually _wanted_ to go; his agitation was painfully obvious, and the mere thought of leaving him like that made my heart ache, but somehow, it seemed like the polite thing to do. Thankfully, Carlisle agreed that I could stay.

Although I knew it had to be my mind playing tricks on me, the temperature in the room seemed to have dropped several degrees, and I couldn't help but shiver as Edward turned his fearful eyes to me. I just wanted to tell him that everything would be okay, but I couldn't, because I had no idea what was going on.

So I just ran my thumb soothingly over his knuckles, nearly crying when he reluctantly eased the death grip he had on my arm and got up, following Carlisle out of the room without a word.

For a minute or so - although it felt longer - I remained silent, fidgeting awkwardly in my seat. Then I took a deep breath and looked at Esme, who had yet to say a word since Edward and Carlisle walked out the door. "What just happened?"

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Esme finally turned around to face me, a pained expression on her face. "This is not how I had hoped this night would turn out. I specifically asked Carlisle - I _begged_ him - not to stir things up tonight. But did he listen to me?" She let out a frustrated sigh. "I love my husband, and his heart is in the right place, but sometimes he can be so... dense."

Having no idea how to respond to that, I lowered my eyes and nervously wrung my hands in my lap. Luckily, Esme noticed my discomfort and gave me an apologetic look. "Forgive me, dear. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." She hesitated a little before she walked over to the table and sat down next to me.

I forced a smile, although I suspected it came out more like a grimace. "That's okay. I just..." I glanced at her. "You know what that was about, don't you?"

"Yes." I opened my mouth, but Esme went on, "It's not my place to tell. Bella, he's going to need you. But I must ask - how strong are you?"

"Um..." I gave her a look of confusion. "Why? What do you mean?"

Esme was quiet for a moment. Finally she spoke up, looking me right in the eyes. "I didn't believe Carlisle at first, when he told me he had witnessed you and Edward holding hands. I told him he had to be mistaken. But after what I've seen tonight... You're special, Bella. I don't know if you realize it, but you are. The fact that he's letting you touch him is huge, I never thought..." She shook her head, sadly.

I swallowed. "I know Edward and I haven't really known each other that long, but I already care about him so much. I just wanna help him, but I don't know how."

She sighed. "Has Edward mentioned to you that he's... that I'm not..."

Realizing what she was trying to ask me - obviously hesitating since she couldn't be sure of how much Edward had actually told me - I took pity on her and nodded. "I know he's adopted."

Esme let out an unsteady breath. "Did he tell you why?" I shook my head in the negative. "I didn't think so," she mumbled, and for a moment, I was almost certain I could see tears in her eyes. "You have to understand that Edward is terrified of letting anyone in. He shies away from other people, even his own family. And yet, somehow, he seems to trust you."

"Look..." I started, but she wasn't finished.

"Please, don't get me wrong. I can't tell you how grateful I am that Edward has found someone he feels comfortable with. I can see that you really care about him." Esme paused. "But I need you to truly understand and be prepared for the consequences of this relationship the two of you have going."

"Relationship?" I blushed.

She gave me a weak smile. "Relationship, friendship, whatever you wanna call it. Like I said, Bella; he is going to need you. But it won't be easy for you. That's why I asked you how strong you are. Because this will require a lot of strength and patience from your side. I love Edward like he was my own, but he is one damaged young boy. Are you sure you will be able to handle it?"

For some reason, her words made me angry. "Yes, of course I can handle it. Edward's a person, not a burden."

Esme sighed. "You're right. Nevertheless, he's bound to test your limits. Edward may trust you in some way, but sooner or later, chances are he will try to push you away, either to protect you, or himself. The question is, will you be strong enough to stand by him, no matter what?" She gave me a moment to let her words sink in.

Not needing any time to think about it, I looked her straight in the eyes and nodded. "Yes."

She watched me silently for a moment, then smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that. Thank you." Seeing how her words made me frown, Esme went on explaining, "I've seen first hand tonight how Edward acts around you, and I have to tell you, it amazes me. I'm so happy he met you, because it seems you are exactly what he needs. I just hope..." Her voice trailed off, and she let out a sigh.

I waited patiently for her to go on, but when almost a minute had passed, I realized she either wouldn't, or couldn't. For a moment, I remained silent, contemplating my options. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, but I didn't want to overstep my bounds.

However, one thing that had been bugging me for days, and I just couldn't help myself. I suppose - in my defense - the curiosity was getting the best of me. I glanced at Esme, hoping I wasn't making a mistake. "Esme? Who's Victoria?"

Although I wasn't sure of what I had been expecting, her reaction confirmed my suspicions; that whoever Victoria was, she played a major part in all of this. Esme stared at me, her eyes wide in disbelief. "Edward told you about Victoria?"

I lowered my eyes to the floor, not wanting to lie and say yes, but also dying to find out the truth. "Her name may have come up," I answered truthfully, still feeling slightly ashamed, because I knew I was partly leading her on, seeing how Edward had never mentioned Victoria to me. However, I took comfort in the fact that Esme would object if I was going too far; surely she wouldn't reveal anything too personal without Edward's knowledge and permission.

Esme hesitated a little, clearly conflicted. Finally she spoke up, although her reluctance was obvious. "Victoria Masen is the social worker connected to Edward's case. There's a lot more to the story, though, but you will have to ask him for any details." The tone of her voice told me that she doubted he would be willing to share it with me, and it made me both sad and frustrated.

Still, I fully accepted that Esme wouldn't further discuss the matter, and a part of me knew I shouldn't even have brought it up in the first place. "I'm sorry," I mumbled. "It's none of my business."

Her face softened. "Bella, I realize you have a lot of questions. It's perfectly understandable, and I don't blame you. But you need to give Edward some time. He has a lot of issues, trusting other people being one of them. Just be patient, and I believe he will open up to you when he's ready."

While I realized she had to know what she was talking about, I still didn't like the idea of Edward suffering in the meantime. I just wished he would talk to me. Then again, I couldn't really blame him. After all, like I had told Esme, we hadn't known each other long. She was right - I needed to give him some time. Sighing deeply, I nodded in acceptance.

"Just be there for him, Bella." Esme put her hand on top of mine, and our eyes met. "For now, I think that'll be enough."

I was just about to agree, when a loud crash echoed through the house; the unmistakable sound of something breaking. In the next moment, a door slammed, so hard that I involuntarily winced. My eyes widened in alarm, and I immediately jumped up from the chair.

"Bella," Esme warned, and I froze in my tracks, spinning around to face her. She rose as well, her face dead serious as she gave me a firm look. "Stay here." There was a sudden hint of authority in her voice that I hadn't heard before, and I blinked in surprise and shock.

EPOV

I had followed Carlisle out of the kitchen, through the living room and into his office, obediently putting one foot after the other, and it hadn't even occurred to me to protest. Because I had known the moment he stepped through the door, hell, even before that, that something had happened. And whatever it was, it was obviously serious enough for him to want to discuss it in private.

Carlisle quietly closed the door behind us, and asked me to sit down. I stubbornly remained where I was. "Is this about what happened the other day at school?"

He looked a little confused at first, then shook his head. "No, it's not."

Before he could go on, I spoke up again, hating the way my voice was trembling, "Then I don't know what I've done wrong."

"Edward..." Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment. "It's not about something you've done. Will you please just sit down and listen to what I have to say?"

I cast a brief look at the couch, then turned back to him with my arms folded across my chest. "I'm listening."

He sighed, and I was half convinced he was about to object. But instead he nodded in acceptance. "Very well. Edward, I'm not quite sure how to tell you this. The reason I was late tonight is because I received a phone call from Chicago. It's about James." He paused. "Now, are you sure you wouldn't rather be sitting down for this?"

My mouth instantly became completely dry, and my heart started beating wildly in my chest. Panic welled up inside me, and my entire body started trembling at the mere mention of his name. Carlisle's eyes widened in alarm, and he took a step towards me. I could see by the way his lips were moving that he was talking to me, but I didn't hear a word he was saying.

Was James about to be released from jail? Was he coming here? Or would I have to go back there? Numerous thoughts and scenarios were suddenly running through my head, although none of them very coherent. For a moment, I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Edward, do you hear what I'm saying? Edward!" The sudden sharp note in Carlisle's voice caused me to flinch. He immediately raised his hands and took a step back. When he spoke again, his voice was a lot softer. "Listen to me. It's not what you think. He was shot by the police, three days ago. By the time they arrived at the hospital, he had slipped into a coma. He hasn't woken up since, and the doctors don't think he will come out of it."

I just looked at him, feeling like I was surrounded by a thick fog, because I had a hard time to focus on his face. Realizing he was still talking, I blinked. "W-what?"

Carlisle sounded concerned. "Edward, you're white as a sheet and look like you're about to pass out any moment. You need to calm down and take a couple of deep breaths. Do you understand me?"

Feeling cold sweat break out on my forehead, I closed my eyes and tried to follow his instructions. Then I stumbled over to the couch - although it was just a few steps away, it felt like miles - and slumped down, trying to get my mind to process what Carlisle had just told me. "What happened?" I whispered, barely recognizing my own voice.

He slowly made his way over to me, hesitating a little before sitting down at the far side of the couch. "He was holding a young mother and her two children hostage in her apartment. When the police showed up, he became violent. They had no choice but to shoot him."

I shook my head in confusion, not yet understanding what he was telling me. "But... he was in jail."

Carlisle was quiet for almost a minute. Then he let out a sigh, and looked me right in the eyes. "He was. But he was released for parole, about a month ago. I didn't..." His voice trailed off, and he lowered his eyes to the floor.

For a moment, I just stared at him, unable to take in the meaning of his words. Then, slowly, realization started to dawn on me.

"You knew." My voice sounded hollow. "What, you didn't think it was worth mentioning?" Carlisle opened his mouth, but I jumped up from the couch, feeling like I had just been stabbed in the back. "You didn't think I had the fucking right to know that the bastard could've showed up at our fucking doorstep?!" Fury and nausea welled over me, and I started shaking, badly.

"Edward, listen to me." Carlisle got up as well, but made no motion of approaching me as I immediately took a few steps back, silently warning him not to come any closer. "The reason Esme and I decided not to tell you, is because we feared knowing would only agitate you, and we didn't want you to have to go through any more than you already have. But you have to understand-"

I interrupted him, letting out a snort of disbelief, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

"You have to understand..." Carlisle started over, patiently, "that it was never a question of him being able to find you. He was being monitored, and was to be in regular contact with his parole officer, to whom I have been speaking with on a weekly basis. James was not allowed to leave the state of Illinois. There was no possibility of him coming here to hurt you."

"You should've fucking told me!" I glared at him, ignoring his words.

Carlisle didn't seem put off by my anger as he watched me, calmly. "Do you really believe that would've made you feel better?" When I didn't answer, he went on, "What good would it have done? Esme and I thought you were better off not knowing. I'm sorry if you don't agree, but I still feel it was the right thing to do. I assure you, we only had your best interests in mind. We always do."

I shook my head in denial, refusing to accept his explanation. "You should've told me," I repeated, clenching my fists. "It wasn't your decision to make."

"Yes, it was," Carlisle stated, firmly. "And some day, I hope you will see it, too." He paused. "Edward, I've been thinking, and I realize you probably don't want to hear this, but I want you to consider going back into therapy."

"What?!" I stared at him in shock. "I fucking told you-"

He cut me off. "Yes, I remember. But frankly, I see no other option. This is not a healthy way of living, Edward. Don't you see what you're doing to yourself? Now, I understand-"

"Understand?!" I exploded. "Understand what, exactly? That I'm so screwed up that even my fucking therapist is giving up on me? And you actually want me to go back? That's fucking bullshit, Carlisle. You don't understand!"

"Then explain it to me. Help me understand." His voice remained calm, which only caused my frustration to grow stronger. I started pacing the room, feeling a desperate need to punch something. Carlisle watched me in silence for a moment before he spoke up again, softly, "Tell me what you're feeling right now."

"Fucking. Pissed. Off!" I yelled, horrified when tears of fury and frustration welled up in my eyes. Looking around in desperation, I grabbed the first object I could find - which happened to be an empty coffee mug - and hurled it with great force right into the wall, causing it to smash into a million pieces.

It was all becoming too much, and I didn't understand why he wouldn't just lose it and yell right back at me. A part of me wished he would, maybe then I would feel better about myself for lashing out at him again. But instead he just nodded in acceptance. "Can you tell me why?"

I stopped abruptly, giving him a doubtful look. "Are you serious?! How can you be so... so fucking..." I let out a frustrated growl as the words seemed to fail me.

"Understanding?" Carlisle suggested, calmly meeting my eyes. "I'm trying, Edward. Now hear me out. I won't force you back into therapy against your will. But you need to find some way to deal with what happened to you, to face your inner demons. Because it's killing you inside, whether you're willing to admit it or not. James is not a threat to you anymore. How long are you going to let him keep destroying your life?"

His words made me freeze in my tracks, and I just looked at him in confusion. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Suddenly I felt like the walls were closing in on me, and I heard myself breathing, heavily. In that moment, I knew I just had to get away. So I rushed out of the room without another word.


	27. Chapter 27

BPOV

"What? But…" My eyes darted uncertainly from Esme's face to the doorway, and then back again. She had told me to stay - or maybe 'ordered' was a better way of putting it, judging by the tone of her voice - but all I wanted was to find Edward and make sure he was all right.

"Bella..." she started, only to stop as Carlisle entered the kitchen, visibly upset. Esme tilted her head to the side and gave him a questioning look, and Carlisle nodded in response, his eyes troubled and pained. I watched the two of them as they seemed to be having a silent conversation.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Is Edward okay?" I blurted out, unable to keep the concern out of my voice. They both turned to look at me, and I got the feeling they had forgotten I was still in the room. For the first time tonight, I felt like an intruder.

"He's..." Carlisle hesitated for a moment. "Listen, Bella, I don't mean to be rude, but I think it would probably be best if you went home after all." I opened my mouth, but he went on, "Edward will be fine. However, he has just received some news that might be a bit overwhelming for him to take in, and he will need some time by himself to process this information."

I suddenly felt like something big and heavy was being pressed against my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. "Where is he?" I whispered.

Carlisle sighed. "He went up to his room. But-"

I cut him off, something close to panic welling up inside me. "Just let me talk to him? Please."

He shook his head, a sympathetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry, Bella, but I don't think that would be a good idea at the moment. Why don't you just call him later tonight, and maybe-"

"No!" I gave him a pleading look, forcing back a sob, because all of the sudden, the thought of having to leave now was almost unbearable. "He asked me to stay. And you said I could. Please, just give me five minutes. I promise; I'll leave him alone if he really wants me to. I just need to see him. Please?"

I could see the conflict in his eyes, and he glanced at Esme for help before turning back to me. "I really don't think..." His voice trailed off, and I prayed I was getting through to him, because I suspected that - no matter what Carlisle and Esme thought - Edward needed me right now.

"Look," I realized I was pushing, but I couldn't help myself, "Edward's the one who invited me tonight. It's only fair that he should be the one to tell me to leave, don't you think?" Of course, deep down, I really hoped he wouldn't.

"You have to understand, Bella..." Carlisle looked me right in the eyes as he obviously still tried to reason with me. "I'm not saying this as an attempt to scare you off. I've seen the effect you have on Edward, and believe me; nothing would make me happier than him finally being able to let someone in. But when he gets this emotionally distressed, chances are he will end up hurting you."

My eyes widened in disbelief, and I firmly shook my head in denial. "That's ridiculous. Edward would never hurt me."

Carlisle let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Maybe not physically, but there are other ways. Right now, I believe the best thing you can do is to just give him some time to calm down."

I was about to object - fully prepared to keep begging if I had to - but much to my astonishment, Esme beat me to it and came to my rescue. "Carlisle, maybe we should just give her a chance."

He blinked in surprise. "Are you serious?"

Esme nodded, glancing at me before turning back to Carlisle. "She's different. I don't know how, but there's obviously some kind of connection between them. You saw it, too. Maybe..." She hesitated a little. "I don't know, there's just something about the way he is responding to her." Then she turned to me. "You really meant what you said before, didn't you? About standing by Edward no matter what?"

I could only nod in response, not trusting my voice at the moment.

Carlisle's expression told me he was torn between being hopeful and skeptical. "But you have known each other for how long? Two weeks? I'm sorry, Bella; it's not that I question your intentions. I told you the other day that I believe you will be good for Edward, and I meant it." He was quiet for a moment. "All right. You may go see him. But I have to ask you to respect his wishes. If he wants to be left alone..." He left the rest of the sentence hanging.

"Then I'll leave," I finished with a nod, my heart beating faster at the thought of getting to see Edward. Although I couldn't help but add, "But any way, I'll come back."

He nodded slowly, clearly taking in and accepting the meaning of my words. In that moment, it hit me how much faith they were both putting in me, which made me feel both touched and slightly apprehensive at the same time. Because what if I was wrong, and wouldn't be able to help Edward after all? Then I would end up letting all of them down.

I still didn't know what had transpired between Edward and Carlisle, what kind of 'news' Carlisle had been referring to, or what kind of emotional state Edward would be in when I saw him - that was _if_ he would even let me inside his room in the first place.

As I made my way up the stairs, I found myself wondering if Edward and I would ever get a break; a chance to focus on just being around each other and relax, without any chaos and turmoil. Not that I would ever regret a thing when it came to me and Edward spending time together, no matter the reason, but seriously, just how much would the poor guy have to endure?

And so far, I didn't even know half of it.

I raised my fist to knock on the door, only to be met by complete silence, and I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. Hesitating a little, I then knocked again. "Edward?" I called out, softly. No response. I was starting to become really nervous. Taking a deep breath, I spoke up again, a little louder this time, "Edward? Unless you tell me not to, I'm coming in." Then I waited. And waited.

Silently counting to thirty, I then decided I had waited long enough, and slowly reached for the doorknob. For a brief moment, I feared it wouldn't turn; that the door would be locked, but to my great relief, the knob moved easily. I carefully pushed the door open, and peeked inside. Then I froze dead in my tracks.

My heart nearly stopped as I took in the destruction in the room. Torn books and broken CD cases were scattered all over the floor, and the bedside table had been knocked over. The door leading to what I assumed was a closet was wide open, and I could see the shattered remains of what had once been a mirror attached to the inside of the door. The rest of it was in sharp, broken pieces on the floor below.

Edward was sitting on the floor in the far corner of the room, his eyes closed and his head resting back against the wall. He didn't even look up as I hesitantly took a step closer - although I knew he had to be aware of my presence - and I swallowed hard when I noticed he was surrounded by more pieces of broken glass and various debris.

I was unable to hold back a gasp when I spotted a small puddle of blood on the floor, and my eyes immediately went to his hands. Then I had to press my fist against my mouth to keep from gagging. I barely felt my feet touching the floor as I carefully moved across the room, only to stop a few feet away from him, suddenly afraid of getting any closer.

That was when he finally opened his eyes, watching me in silence for what felt like an eternity. If it was possible, he looked even more exhausted than he had the other day, when he had taken my hand and I had promised not to let go. It was the day when Carlisle had entered the room and found us with our hands clasped tightly together.

I had been slightly embarrassed at the time, but now I was grateful. Because I was fully convinced that if he hadn't seen us like that, there was no way Carlisle would have allowed me to go see Edward now.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, at a total loss for what to do. Naturally, I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and ask him what happened, but somehow, it didn't seem like the smartest move right now. So far, he hadn't told me to get out, and I suddenly feared that if I would say anything, it would cause him to snap out of it and throw me out of the room.

He just kept looking at me, as if he was waiting for me to do something, although I had no idea what. For a moment, we just stared at each other. But then, as my eyes once again landed on the broken mirror, I was forced back into reality and dropped to my knees. "You have to stop hurting your hands like this," I murmured, and found myself wondering if he ever gave them a chance to fully heal.

To tell the truth, I couldn't remember ever seeing his hands not bloody or swollen.

He blinked in confusion, like my words had just broken some kind of spell. Then his eyes darkened, and he quickly hid his hands behind his back, mumbling something I couldn't make out. I hesitated a little before I spoke up, quietly, "Carlisle said I have to leave if you don't want me here." Holding my breath, I waited for some response.

Almost a minute passed, and I had all but given up hope when he finally opened his mouth and whispered, "What I want is not relevant."

Tears started welling up in my eyes at his statement. "Why would you say that?" He just shook his head. I swallowed. "Do you want me to leave?" No response. I scooted a little closer to him, praying he wouldn't pull away from me, and slowly reached out towards him. He stared at my outstretched hand, but did no attempt of taking it.

"You should go," he muttered.

Although his words stung, I tried not to let it show. Because the way he kept looking at my hand with an almost wistful expression on his face told me that he didn't really mean it. So I shook my head. "I didn't ask whether or not I _should_ be leaving. I asked you if you wanted me to."

He remained silent.

"Edward..." I couldn't keep the pleading note out of my voice. "Please, you have to tell me. Do you want me to go?" Edward's silence bothered me more than I wanted to admit, and I was starting to feel desperation well up inside me, but until he said the words out loud, I would not be moving an inch.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he tentatively shook his head. The relief I felt in that moment made me want to both laugh and cry at the same time, although I managed to stay calm. "Thank you," I whispered, not overly surprised when he didn't answer. I glanced at him, wondering if I was pushing my luck. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?" He shook his head again.

A part of me was disappointed, but at the same time, I was beyond grateful for being able to stay; that he wasn't pushing me away or lashing out at me like I had partly been expecting. Then again, I supposed he had already taken his anger and frustration out on the room. So I nodded in acceptance, willing to play by his rules for now if it would put him at ease. "Okay."

The fact that Carlisle and Esme had been reluctant to let me come up here made me suspect that something like this had happened before, maybe even on a regular basis, and I felt a lump in my throat. I could understand why they felt it necessary to give Edward some space, but at the same time, the idea of him being all alone up here, trashing his own room in a fit of rage - or whatever going through his head at the moment - made my heart hurt for him.

I desperately tried to come up with something - anything - to talk about, to distract him from whatever it was causing him this much pain. Because it was obvious that he wouldn't talk to me. And for some reason, seeing how he still kept his hands hidden, he wasn't willing to accept the comfort he usually seemed to get from the physical contact between us.

That was when I decided to just be honest, and let him know what was on my mind.

"You know..." I started, hesitantly. Glancing at Edward, I realized he was no longer staring longingly at my hand. In fact, he wasn't even facing my direction. I went on before I would lose my courage, "I know something's going on. Carlisle seemed pretty upset, and he said something about you receiving some overwhelming news. He didn't tell me what it was, though, and I didn't ask, because it wouldn't be fair to you."

Edward seemed to freeze at my words, although he remained silent. I continued, "You don't owe me any explanation. If you don't wanna talk about it, that's fine. I'm not gonna push you. But it helps, sometimes, having someone to talk to, someone who will listen. It might make it easier. What I'm trying to say is, I'm here for you, Edward. Whatever you need from me. I would never judge you, or think any less of you. Just let me..."

_Help you. Take care of you. Love you._

"...be there for you," I finished, slowly reaching out to put my hand on his arm, fully prepared to pull back should he show even the slightest sign of discomfort or uneasiness. But he didn't, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

However, he still didn't say anything, and I wondered what it would take for me to get through to him this time. "Can I see your hands?" I asked, quietly. He visibly tensed up, but didn't object as I gently tugged at his arm. I winced at the sight of the blood still trickling between his fingers, and felt a wave of dizziness come over me.

_Don't pass out! Don't pass out!_

Somehow, I managed to snap out of it. There seemed to be a pretty deep cut at the back of his hand, just below his knuckles, and I wondered if he might need some stitches. "Just wait here. I'll be right back," I mumbled before scrambling to my feet.

"Don't," Edward spoke up, quietly, and I spun around. He wasn't looking at me. "Don't," he repeated, hoarsely.

I bit my lip, not sure what to do. My first thought had been to try and coax Edward out of the room and into the bathroom where he could get himself cleaned up, but I had a feeling he would simply refuse to go anywhere. So I decided to go find a first aid kit, or something. But, clearly, Edward had other ideas. Sighing, I sat back down next to him. Hopefully, he wouldn't bleed to death any time soon.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. I threw a brief look at Edward every now and then, but he didn't speak again, nor did he meet my eyes. After a moment's hesitation, I slowly raised my arm and placed my hand gently on his back, swallowing hard when I felt him trembling slightly beneath me.

For some reason, his apathetic behavior now bothered me even more than the open hostility he had shown back when we first met. This, I had no idea how to deal with. Whatever Carlisle had told Edward before he came up here, I realized that 'overwhelming' was an understatement. Because he didn't just seem overwhelmed to me.

He looked lost. Defeated. Broken. And seeing him this way was killing me.

At a loss for what else to do, I started rubbing soft circles on his back, seeing how my touch hadn't seemed to bother him so far, and I hoped it would bring both of us some comfort. I heard how Edward let out a shaky breath, and when I glanced at him, I noticed his eyes were closed. So I kept rubbing his back, although I really wanted to just pull him into my arms and never let go.

The minutes passed, or maybe it was hours. I couldn't tell, and I didn't care.

"Bella?"

Edward's soft voice caused my hand to freeze on his back, although I quickly recovered. When I turned my head to look at him, I saw that his bottom lip was trembling. "Yes, Edward?" I breathed, my free hand finding his.

"I've changed my mind," he whispered. I just stared at him in confusion, as numerous thoughts started running through my head. What was he saying? That he wanted me to leave after all? Although I was afraid of asking, I opened my mouth, but his next words caused my heart to swell with hope and tears to well up in my eyes.

He took a deep breath, and raised his eyes to finally meet mine. "Do you still wanna listen?"


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N:**** I've read and appreciate every single review I've gotten so far and I can't tell you how much your supportive words mean to me. I'm so sorry for not responding to each of you individually, but I figured you'd rather have me work on the next chapter and update sooner. Thank you all so much!**

***~*~***

EPOV

For a moment, I almost wished I could take my words back, and I would be lying if I said a part of me wasn't hoping Bella would say no. She didn't, though. Instead she just looked at me with big eyes and a hopeful expression on her face, before nodding, eagerly. "Of course I wanna listen."

In all honesty, Bella had been the farthest thing on my mind since I stormed out of Carlisle's office, and I started to feel like a dick for inviting her over in the first place, and then pretty much abandoning her in the kitchen with Esme. In fact, I didn't understand why she was still here at all, why she hadn't just left already.

I had meant it when I told Bella she should go, because she deserved so much better than this. But she had stubbornly turned my words against me, asked me if that's what I really wanted, like my opinion actually mattered to her. And I found myself unable to lie and say yes, because, God help me, I wanted her to stay.

After Carlisle had told me about James, my mind had been a complete blur, a mixture of rage, fear, desperation and helplessness, and it had all just become too much, too many emotions consuming me at once, and as a result, I had taken it out on my room. It wasn't the first time, and would most likely not be the last.

As always afterwards, the anger faded, and I was left with nothing but numbness. Then came the guilt. Over the years, I had destroyed more things around the house than I could remember, and Carlisle and Esme never once gave me a hard time about it. Sure, they made it clear from the beginning that if I made a mess, I was to clean it up, and when I broke something that didn't belong to me, I had to replace it.

But they never punished me.

They always left me alone when I was throwing one of my childish tantrums, giving me some space, as they used to call it. And when I was done, one of them usually came to see me, without doubt to check on the destruction I had made, but also to ask if I wanted to talk about it. And I always refused.

I had a hard enough time expressing my thoughts and emotions in my head; trying to put my mixed up feelings into words would be next to impossible. But that was not the only reason I found it so hard to talk to them about my fucking problems.

Deep down, I knew Carlisle meant it when he said he and Esme always had my best interests in mind. They would never deliberately hurt me, and they just wanted to protect me. In a way, I understood why they had chosen not to tell me about James being released from jail, because if they had, I would have freaked out ten times worse. They knew it, and so did I.

Carlisle was probably right when he said I was better off not knowing. It just came as a total shock to me.

They wanted to be able to help me so badly, but they couldn't, because I wouldn't let them. It wasn't just a matter of trust. I couldn't talk to them about how fucked up I really was, because I couldn't stand to see the disappointment in their eyes. They had been working so hard to make me feel safe around them, to feel like a part of their family. And I just couldn't accept it.

I would always be a failure to them, whether they would admit it or not.

Maybe that's why Bella was so different. She had no high expectations, no legal or moral obligation to care about me. Unlike Carlisle and Esme, Bella could decide she'd had enough and leave me whenever she wanted. But so far, she hadn't. Even now, she was still here, still trying to reach out to me. Making me feel safe.

And that's why I decided it was time to tell her a bit about my past. I couldn't fool myself into thinking it would all miraculously go away, and if she was to stick around, she had the right to know what she was getting herself into. She deserved a chance to walk away from this - and me - before she got too involved.

Of course, I prayed against hope that she would stay.

So, I took a deep breath, and asked her if she still wanted to listen. And she said yes without hesitation, just like I had known she would. Hence my dilemma - where to fucking start?

Obviously sensing my distress, Bella took pity on me and gave my hand a soft squeeze. "It's okay. Just take your time." I grimaced, knowing that I could keep stalling for hours, and still not be ready for this. As if she could read my mind, she hurried on, "You know, I meant it when I said you don't owe me any explanation. You don't have to do this now."

"I know. I want to. I just..." I closed my eyes for a moment. "Just give me a second."

Bella gave me a sad smile. "Edward, you can have as much time as you need. But it won't really change anything. I mean, I'm pretty sure it won't be any easier just because you wait an hour or two." She was right, of course.

"Right." I kept my eyes on our intertwined hands. "Look, I wanna explain to you what happened before. When..." I hesitated, silently cursing myself for having such a hard time getting the words out. And I hadn't even started yet.

When I failed to go on, Bella bit her lip and glanced at me. "Would it be easier for you if I asked some questions? Then you can just answer yes or no." I thought about it for a moment, then nodded in agreement. She looked relieved. "Okay. Um, the news Carlisle was talking about? Does it have to do with your past?"

I nodded again, forcing my mouth to actually form the word and speak out loud, "Yes."

"All right." Bella seemed to think quickly. "Does it involve your..." she lowered her eyes, "birth family?"

"Yes," I mumbled, leaning my head back against the wall with a sigh.

She was quiet for a moment. "Is it bad news? Like someone-getting-hurt bad?"

I let out a humorless chuckle. "No, and yes."

Bella frowned. "Someone got hurt, and it's good news?"

"Look, Bella..." I sat up straight, running my free hand through my hair in frustration. The whole yes-or-no thing had seemed like a good idea at first, but it was starting to remind me of a fucking therapy session, with the shrink asking me a question, and when I wouldn't - or couldn't - respond, she would move on to asking me something else. And the fucking questions would never stop, until I couldn't take it anymore and simply told her to fuck off.

I really didn't want to do that to Bella. The therapists got paid for listening to me - not that I would actually say much - because it was their fucking job. Bella was here because she _wanted_ to, no matter how bizarre it may seem to me. "This is not working," I muttered, more to myself than to her.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I thought..." Bella sounded remorseful. "I really don't know how to do this. Let's just do it your way. I'll be quiet until you tell me otherwise."

If possible, it made me feel even more like a prick; how she seemed so eager to please me, to make it easier for me. It shouldn't be so fucking hard. I let out a shaky breath. "Before Carlisle and Esme adopted me, I used to live in Chicago with my mother." I paused, feeling my throat tighten. "And her husband."

True to her words, Bella stayed quiet, waiting for me to go on. "He..." I stopped, swallowing. "James. His name's James. He was shot a couple of days ago - that's the news Carlisle was talking about. He's in a coma." I looked away, not wanting to see the look on Bella's face as I continued in a low voice, "And I hope he fucking stays that way."

Bella opened her mouth, then seemed to remember herself as she managed to keep from saying what was on her mind. She remained silent, although something in her expression had changed. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was, and honestly, I wasn't sure I actually wanted to know what she was thinking in that moment.

I tried to force myself to go on, knowing she had to be expecting an explanation to my statement, but the words got stuck in my throat and wouldn't come out. Instead I squeezed my eyes shut and reached out blindly for Bella, but she was already there, one hand cupping my cheek and the other one clasping mine.

"I can't do this," I croaked, praying that she would understand. "Bella, please, don't make me..."

"Shh..." Bella cut me off, carefully placing her fingers over my trembling lips. "Edward, you don't have to say anything." She squeezed my hand. "Besides, I think I already know." My eyes snapped open and I stared at her in alarm. As our eyes met, I noticed that she didn't look appalled, merely sympathetic. "He was hitting you, wasn't he?" she whispered as she once again put her palm against my cheek.

I just nodded, knowing my voice would crack if I tried to speak. And the last thing I wanted was for her to witness me breaking down and bawl like a fucking baby. I desperately needed to keep what little dignity I had left.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbled, tenderly stroking my face. "Edward, I wish you didn't have to go through-"

"Don't feel sorry for me," I choked out, interrupting her, because the idea of Bella pitying me was just too humiliating. I shot her a hard look, daring her to object. "It's not like I didn't deserve it."

She looked at me with wide eyes. "What are you talking about?"

I hadn't meant to blurt it out, but the words were out of my mouth before I even realized I had spoken. "He would just punish me when I did something bad," I managed to get out between gritted teeth, wishing Bella would just let it go.

Of course, she wouldn't. Not that I had really expected her to. When I finally glanced at her, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. She spoke up, quietly, "Whenever I did something bad when I was a kid, my mom used to send me up to my room, or she wouldn't give me my allowance. I didn't like it, but I knew it was a fair punishment. Physical abuse isn't. It's never okay."

"That's not..." I started to protest, having been about to insist that it wasn't abuse when you deserved it.

But Bella wasn't finished. "Don't you see? Edward, you were just a kid. You can't possibly tell me you deserved something like that!" She was unable to hold back a sniffle. I pressed my lips tightly together and stubbornly looked away, refusing to let her words affect me. Because she was wrong. She had to be.

_James' face turned smug. "I want to hear you say it. Why am I doing this?"___

_I inhaled, shakily. "Because I've been bad."___

_"That's right." He looked pleased, a cruel smile playing on his lips. "You have been bad, so I have no choice but to punish you. I have to make sure you know your place. Do you understand?"___

_I nodded, then remembered what happened the last time I didn't give him the answer he wanted. "Yes."___

_"Very good." James sounded almost friendly. In the next moment, the smile was gone and his face cold as ice. "Now, get up and move over to the bed."_

James' voice echoed in my head, like so many times before, and I didn't realize I had started shaking until I felt two small, yet strong hands on my shoulders, holding me down. I jerked back, startled, only to find myself trapped against the wall, and failed to stifle an anguished moan.

"Edward, it's me! Calm down, no one's gonna hurt you." I blinked as I immediately recognized Bella's voice, frantic with worry.

"Go away," I slurred, shame and humiliation welling up inside me. But when she obediently pulled away from me, I panicked. "No, wait, don't go, I didn't mean it! Bella, please, I'm sorry..."

"Edward..." She was right there, next to me, interrupting my frenzied ramblings. "I'm not going anywhere. But you're scaring me right now. What's wrong?" I just shook my head, stubbornly avoiding her eyes as I forced myself to take a couple of deep, steady breaths, and waited for my heart to slow down and start beating like normal.

For the next couple of minutes, Bella sat silently next to me on the floor. Finally she spoke up, softly, "Better?" I nodded, still unable to look at her. She hesitated a little before she went on, quietly, "Do you wanna talk about it?" I instinctively opened my mouth to say no, but all of the sudden her hand was in my hair, immediately causing me to relax a little, and I let out a shaky sigh.

"Sometimes I get these..." I paused, searching for the right word, "...flashbacks, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. But I'm okay now. Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Her fingers kept playing softly with my hair, and I closed my eyes. "You have nothing to apologize for," she mumbled. A pause. "But you're not really okay, are you?" I swallowed hard, unable to respond, and she must have taken my silence as confirmation. Thankfully, she didn't press on. "Edward, thanks for telling me this. I know how hard it must be for you, and I can't tell you how much it means to me that you trust me."

"But doesn't it bother you?" I glanced at her, a part of me afraid of her answer, but at the same time, I had to know. "Bella, I can't be a good friend to you. I'm-"

Bella cut me off before I could finish the sentence, "If you say 'bad' or 'fucked up' again, I think I'm going to scream." I raised a brow, a little taken aback, because it was the first time I had ever heard Bella use the word 'fuck'. She continued, firmly, "You're not any of those things, Edward. You're a good person. You're sweet, and kind, and I'm gonna keep repeating myself until you believe me."

I was about to object, but she went on, her voice suddenly thick, "I _am_ sorry about what happened to you, because I care about you and I hate the thought of anyone hurting you. No matter what he told you, it wasn't right. Anyone who would willingly hurt a child is a horrible person, who should be in jail." A single tear rolled down her cheek, and I watched it with fascination as I realized it was for me.

"Don't cry," I whispered, reaching out a trembling hand towards her face and gently wiping the tear away with my thumb. Then her words registered, and I lowered my eyes, muttering, "And he _was_ in jail. Until recently, anyway."

"Oh." She blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. "Well, that proves that I'm right, doesn't it? That he's the one who's bad, not you. I mean, would he really have been in jail, otherwise?"

I frowned, having not thought about it that way before. Suddenly I felt like my head was spinning. I had always just assumed that the police only arrested James in the first place because of what happened that final night six years ago, although I couldn't really remember much.

_"It's over now, son. He's gone. He won't be able to hurt you again."_

Those were the first words I remembered hearing after waking up in the hospital. Of course, I had been heavily sedated at the time, with both my eyes swollen shut, so I had been unable to see who the voice belonged to, but I found out later that it had been Carlisle. I had been too out of it to question him, and it took days before it finally started to dawn on me that the pain was slowly fading, and James was clearly not around to cause more.

"Are you still with me? What are you thinking about?" Bella's soft voice snapped me out of my memories, and I slowly turned my head to face her.

"Nothing." I had definitely gotten _something_ to think about, but I did my best to push it to the back of my mind, at least for now. Because I was too emotionally drained right now to even consider the possibility that Bella might have a point. I could tell that she was about to object, but I raised my hand to stop her, giving her a pleading look. "Could you please just distract me? Prattle about something unimportant?"

"Um, okay..." She went on after a brief moment's hesitation, "Alice is forcing me to go shopping with her tomorrow."

I frowned. "If you don't wanna go, why didn't you just say no?"

Bella let out a snort. "Yeah, right! And risk waking the beast? No, thanks. I fear the wrath of 'Crazy Shopping Alice' even more than 'Crazy Makeover Alice'."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Do me a favor and call her that to her face."

She blushed, giving me a somewhat sheepish smile. "I like Alice, I really do. It's just that, sometimes, she can get a bit... overly enthusiastic."

"Tell me about it." I rolled my eyes. "You should've heard her the other day when she found out I was giving you a ride to school. She was squealing so fucking loud, only dogs should've been able to hear her." Bella giggled, and it hit me how much I enjoyed hearing that sound.

That was when I realized that not only had Bella done exactly what I asked her, but also, for the moment, she had succeeded.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N:**** A huge thanks to everyone who have taken the time to let me know you're enjoying my story. Your support means the world to me. I also seem to have gotten some new readers, which makes me very happy. Again, I must apologize for being so bad at responding to reviews. But writing takes up most of my time. Just so you know, I really appreciate every single word.**

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EPOV

I definitely didn't feel like going downstairs and facing Carlisle and Esme after Bella had left - what I really wanted was to just to go to bed and sleep for a week - but I decided I'd rather get it over with tonight instead of wait until morning. Looking around the room, I grimaced as I realized I had some work to do first.

Spending the next fifteen minutes carefully gathering all the broken glass and debris from the floor - Bella had offered to help, but I flat out refused, not wanting her to have to deal with the mess I had created - I dumped it all in the waste basket under my desk before picking the whole thing up and heading for the stairs.

Esme and Carlisle were sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV. They both looked up briefly when they heard me descending the stairs, Esme offering me a small smile, but neither of them made any comments as I walked past them without a word and went outside.

Once I had emptied the waste basket in the large garbage can out in the back yard, I stayed out there for a couple of minutes, taking the time to smoke a cigarette all the way down to the filter before I tossed the butt on the ground and crushed it under my boot. Then I thought better of it, picked it up and dropped it in the can as well before reluctantly heading back inside.

As I closed the front door behind me, I nearly jumped when Carlisle spoke up quietly from his position on the couch. "Are you all right, Edward?" When I just nodded, he went on, "Esme and I were just talking about watching a movie. Would you like to join us?"

In all honesty, it was just about the last thing I wanted to do, but I decided not to say it out loud. Instead I shook my head. "I'm kinda tired."

He nodded in understanding, although I didn't miss the hint of disappointment in his eyes. "Of course."

Relieved that he obviously wouldn't put up a fight, I turned to leave, but Esme spoke up, "Oh, Edward, there's some pie left in the fridge. You barely touched your dessert before."

I was about to insist that I wasn't hungry, but something about her hopeful expression made me decide against it, and I held back a sigh. "All right. Thanks." The truth was, I hadn't really eaten much at all at dinner, and the thought of Esme's homemade pie now was enough to make my mouth salivate.

Five minutes later, I was in the kitchen shoving apple pie and vanilla ice-cream into my mouth like I hadn't eaten in days. I wasn't overly surprised when the door opened and Carlisle entered the room, giving me a somewhat apologetic look. "I'd love some pie as well. Would you mind some company?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his obvious attempt of being subtle. "It's your house."

Carlisle gave me a patient look. "That's not what I meant. Edward, I was hoping we could talk a little more. But I understand if you don't feel up to it at the moment, and I wanted to let you know that I respect your need for privacy. So I'm asking again - would you mind some company?"

Still feeling slightly guilty about my earlier behavior, I didn't have the heart to say yes, but I couldn't bring myself to act too encouraging, either. So I just shrugged. "No, it's fine, I guess."

"Thank you." Carlisle walked over to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed a small dessert plate from the top shelf, and helped himself to a large slice of pie. Then he sat down next to me and started eating, quietly. After a brief moment's hesitation, I slid the half empty ice-cream container towards him without a word.

For a couple of minutes, we ate in silence. Then, suddenly, Carlisle put his spoon down and turned to me. "Listen, I want to apologize for how I handled things before. I didn't realize..." He hesitated. "When I spoke to Esme on the phone, she told me Bella would be here tonight, but I'm afraid I misunderstood the situation. I though she was here to spend time with Alice, like last weekend."

When I didn't respond, he went on, "I don't know why I made that assumption, especially after seeing the two of you together the other day. The only excuse I have is that my mind has been a bit occupied since I received that other phone call this afternoon."

Having suddenly lost my appetite, I pushed my plate away. A part of me wanted to just get up and leave, but for some reason, I remained where I was.

Carlisle sighed. "I admit, I acted selfishly. When I found out James had been shot, all I could think about was to go home and let you know right away. I was hoping that - with him out of the picture - it would finally bring you some kind of closure, or at the very least, some peace of mind."

I looked away in shame, once again reminded of how badly both he and Esme wanted me to be able to move on. They were both trying so hard, and they just wanted me to be okay, but I wasn't, and deep down, I doubted I would ever be. "Sorry it didn't work," I mumbled.

He was quiet for a moment. "It was also wrong of me to push you about going back into therapy. But Edward, I meant it when I said you have to find a way to face your inner demons. Or can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you feel fully content with your life? That you are happy?"

All of the sudden I felt a huge lump in my throat, and I swallowed hard. "No," I admitted in a small voice, hating the way my eyes were suddenly stinging.

Carlisle nodded slowly, and then, much to my surprise, he changed the subject. "Bella is a remarkable girl." I eyed him somewhat warily, but didn't say anything. He continued, "I have a confession to make. The other day, I talked to Bella for a little while when she was about to leave. I felt compelled to ask about her intentions."

"What?" My eyes widened in disbelief and I stared at him. "Are you fucking serious?! What exactly did you tell her?"

"Nothing." He met my eyes, calmly. "I realize I may have been out of line, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. But I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, so to speak. And I have to tell you, she impressed me. This girl really cares about you, Edward. In fact, I think she would willingly walk through fire for you if she had to."

Having no idea what to say to that, I awkwardly lowered my eyes. However, while a part of me was embarrassed, his words made me feel strangely warm inside. Hearing Carlisle speak so fondly of Bella made me think I had made the right choice when I decided to trust her enough to tell her parts of my story.

I would like to say that I trusted Bella completely, but I couldn't. Not yet, anyway. It had nothing to do with her, it was all me. I suppose the fact that I had spent my entire life so far not trusting other people - or not _allowing_ myself to trust anyone - might have something to do with it. It just wasn't worth the risk of getting hurt.

That night, I had another nightmare. It didn't start as one, though. But as it played out, it turned out to be the worst I'd had in years.

_I was in that dream-like state when you can't decide whether you're still sleeping or if you're awake. Suddenly I felt the bed shift, and blinked in surprise when I turned my head and saw Bella, sitting indian style at the bottom of my bed. ___

_"Bella?" I sat up immediately and threw the thick duvet to the side, relieved to find that I had my pajamas on. "It's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?"___

_She blushed and tossed her long hair over her shoulder, giving me a shy smile. "Waiting for you to notice me, of course. I thought we could have a sleep-over. Hey, look," she held up a brown paper bag, her smile widening, "I brought us some lunch!"___

_"Um..." This had to be a dream. I scratched my head. "Okay. Sure." She got a pleased expression on her face. That was when I first realized what she was wearing, and frowned. "That's a... nice bathrobe," I mumbled then, not wanting to insult her.___

_Bella ran her hand over the soft, purple fabric, suddenly looking a little uncertain. "Do you really like it? Alice made me wear it. She said the color looks great on me." ___

_"Well, yeah..." I started, not knowing what else to say. "Bella-"___

_She cut me off, "You know, I'm not wearing anything under. I can take it off if you want."___

_"I-I'm sorry, w-what?" I stuttered, giving her a doubtful look. ___

_Bella pouted. "Edward, don't you like me?" All I could do was nod. "So, don't you wanna see me?" I opened my mouth, only to close it again as she scooted closer to me and placed her soft, warm hand on my cheek, looking me deeply in the eyes. "I will never hurt you, Edward." ___

_My skin was tingling slightly from her touch, and I closed my eyes. "I know," I whispered. "But Bella, I'm scared."___

_"Don't be," she murmured soothingly, her hand moving to play tenderly with my hair. "You're safe with me. I'll protect you." I remained silent, enjoying the pleasant feeling of her fingers in my hair. Suddenly she pulled away from me. "But can you protect me?" she asked, a sad note in her voice.___

_"What do you mean?" I opened my eyes, but Bella was gone. All of the sudden, my room was freezing cold, and I shuddered. "Bella?" Unable to keep the panic from welling up inside me, I jumped up from the bed, my eyes desperately searching the room for any sign of her.___

_I stopped in confusion, wrapping my arms tightly around my shivering body. That was when I noticed that my room was suddenly different. In fact, it was no longer my bedroom at all, at least not the one I had been sleeping in for the last six years.___

_"No," I muttered to myself, shaking my head in denial as I tried to figure out what was happening. "This is not right. I don't live here anymore."___

_"That's where you're wrong," James' cold voice stated from behind me, and I froze dead in my tracks. "You never left. And you never will. Do you know why?" He went on, not giving me a chance to respond, "Because this is where you belong; in the dark..." I slowly turned around.___

_The room was pitch-black, but I could still see his eyes, glowing like fire. Then he grinned, reminding me of some vicious predator, and his teeth seemed to be glowing as well. "On the floor..." James continued calmly, and I gasped as I realized I was sitting on the cold, wooden floor in the corner of the room, my knees pulled up to my chin and my body shaking in fear. ___

_"Alone," he finished, taking a step to the side and revealing Bella, standing in the middle of the room with a look of pure terror on her pale face. I called out her name without even thinking, but no sound came out. James looked me right in the eyes as he slid his arm around Bella's slender waist, causing her to let out a fearful moan.___

_"Edward..." Bella reached out a trembling hand towards me, but I was too far away to be able to take it. "Help me," she whispered, pleadingly. "Don't let him hurt me."___

_I tried to get up, desperate to get to her, only to find that I couldn't move an inch. James' mouth twisted into a cruel smile. "Don't you dare touch her, you sick bastard!" I cried out in fury, struggling against whatever invisible bonds were keeping me trapped.___

_He just laughed, his eyes still locked on mine as he traced his large index finger slowly down Bella's collarbone. Tears were now streaming down her face. "Edward, please..." she whimpered.___

_"I can't!" I sobbed, growling in frustration as I did everything in my power to break free. James' laughter only grew louder, and he pulled Bella up against his body, tightening his grip around her. "I'll fucking kill you!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Punish me all you want, but leave her the fuck alone!"___

_"Oh, I'll punish you." James was suddenly next to me on the floor, his face mere inches away from mine. "By letting you watch." He pushed Bella away without warning, causing her to trip over her feet and fall headlong to the floor. And then he started towards her..._

That was when I woke up, a silent scream stuck in my throat.

BPOV

The buzzing sound of my cellphone woke me up, although it took a moment before I realized where the annoying noise was coming from. Sitting straight up in my bed, I blinked a couple of times to clear my head before I managed to locate the object in question on my nightstand.

Casting a brief look at my alarm clock, I frowned when the numbers on the display told me it was almost three o'clock in the morning.

The ringing just continued until I was finally able to pick up the phone and bring it to my ear, too tired to bother to check the caller ID. Good thing Charlie was a heavy sleeper, or he would've barged into my room, demanding to know what was going on. "Hello?" I yawned into the phone.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

I immediately recognized Edward's voice, although it was thicker than usual, as if he had been crying, and all of the sudden, I was wide awake. "Edward?" My heart started beating faster. "What do you mean, am I okay? Why wouldn't I be? I was sleeping, it's the middle of the night."

There was a moment of silence on the other end, and then he spoke again, quietly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. I'll just-"

"Wait a minute!" I suddenly feared he would hang up on me. "Edward, what's wrong? Are _you_ okay?"

"Yeah, sure," he responded quickly - too quickly - and I could hear him let out a miserable sigh. "Sorry," he muttered again. "I shouldn't have called. Just go back to sleep."

Like I could possibly do that now. I rolled my eyes. "No, Edward, I don't wanna go back to sleep. And you never have to apologize for calling me. Just talk to me, please."

"It's fucking stupid..." I heard his sharp intake of air, and waited patiently for him to go on. "Bad dream," he then finally admitted. "He was... Someone was hurting you. I couldn't..." Edward swallowed. "I just wanted to hear your voice," he mumbled, and I felt my heart breaking at his confession.

"I'll come over if you want," I told him sincerely, already working on a plan how to sneak out of the house. "I can be at your house in ten minutes."

"What?" He sounded incredulous. "Are you crazy? You can't come here now!"

"Oh." I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just thought..." My voice trailed off, and I fought back the tears of rejection.

"Bella..." Edward sighed. "It's not that I don't want you to come, all right? But you can't risk getting in trouble because of me. And I sure as hell won't let you run half across town by yourself in the middle of the night."

Despite his words, I could hear the wistful note in his voice, and I instantly felt bad for thinking the worst. "Come here, then," I all but pleaded. "I'll meet you outside. Charlie won't find out."

He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke up, he sounded regretful. "You have no idea how much I want to."

"Then come. Please." I was practically begging now, and I didn't care. It just wasn't enough to talk to Edward on the phone; I needed to see him in person. My entire body ached to touch him, to comfort him, because no matter how much he would try to convince me otherwise, I knew deep down that he was far from okay. He was hurting, and I just wanted to make his pain go away.

"Could you just..." he hesitated, "talk to me for a while? Don't think I can go back to sleep tonight."

"Of course." I nodded, even though I knew he wouldn't be able to see it. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to prevent the tears from spilling down my cheeks. "I can do that. What do you want me to talk about?"

"Doesn't matter." He sounded tired. "Anything."

So I started talking, about everything and nothing. I told him about the latest book I'd read, which movies I would like to see, and what kind of food I used to like the most when I was a kid. I rambled on about my favorite TV show - _Friends_ - and went on telling him the embarrassing story about how I used to have a huge crush on the boy next door when I was eight, and accidentally tripped in front of him and ended up falling head first into a large mud puddle.

At first, Edward would interrupt every now and then to ask me something, but he soon fell quiet and just listened as I went on and on, and for a moment, I worried that I might be boring him with my babbling. But he never once complained, and I found myself relaxing again as I started ticking off my favorite songs. I even think I was humming at some point.

The next time I checked the alarm clock, it showed 4:56, and I did a double take, shocked to realize Edward and I had been talking for almost two hours. Or, at least _I_ had been talking. It hit me that he had been silent for quite some time now. "Edward?" I asked into the phone. No response. I tried again. "Edward, are you awake?"

Nothing. But as I listened closely, I was pretty certain I could hear the faint sound of snoring from the other end of the line. When almost a minute had passed, I whispered a soft 'goodnight', and slid back down in bed, closing my eyes and resting my head against the soft pillows.

I kept the phone tightly in my hand for the rest of the night.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews! I love hearing your thoughts about this story.**

***~*~***

BPOV

As the days passed, it slowly became clear to me that something had changed between me and Edward, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first. But it was like - ever since that time when he had called me in the middle of the night and I had literally talked him back to sleep - he had started to look at me differently.

I kept telling myself that it was probably just wishful thinking from my side, because while my romantic feelings for Edward only seemed to grow stronger by the day, I wasn't naive enough to think he would feel the same way. So far, he had shown no sign of wanting to take our so called relationship to the next level, and I was too much of a coward to ask him straight out, afraid of what his answer would be.

But the fact remained; somewhere along the way, his behavior around me had started to change. I couldn't deny that he seemed more and more comfortable touching me, and he rarely even blinked anymore - let alone flinched away - whenever I would initiate some kind of physical contact. Of course, said contact remained pretty innocent, like me taking his hand, or I would caress his face and stroke his hair, but that was pretty much it.

Sometimes I would catch myself staring at Edward's perfectly full lips, wondering what it would be like to kiss him. And I often daydreamed about being safely wrapped up in his arms, to bury my face in his chest and inhale his delicious, mouthwatering scent. But I kept my fantasies to myself, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of rejection.

But then there were times when I could swear he was looking at me with something close to desire in his eyes, like he secretly wanted the same thing I did, only he had no idea how to express his feelings. If that was the case, I suppose I couldn't really blame him.

Edward and I kept spending our lunch breaks at 'our' picnic table - even in pouring rain, when we would sit together under an umbrella - only we had started taking turns on who would bring the lunch bag for the day. For some reason, it was never a question of each of us bringing our own; we would always make enough for the other to share, both of us perfectly satisfied with the arrangement.

The first time Alice approached us out there, things were pretty awkward. She insisted she was only coming over briefly to say hi, and I forced myself to be polite and make with the small talk for a couple of minutes, but deep down, I just wanted her to leave me and Edward alone. Because no matter how much I liked Alice, I couldn't help but feel like she was imposing on a private moment.

Although he didn't say anything, it was painfully obvious that Edward shared my discomfort, seeing how he immediately closed up like a clam and started picking at his food, the sulky expression not leaving his face until she had left. But the next day, Alice showed up again, this time with Jasper in tow.

They didn't stay long, merely for a few minutes, and somehow, Edward seemed a little less hostile than the day before. Not like he made any attempt of starting a conversation, but at least he grunted in response to Alice's enthusiastic greeting, and, after a moment's hesitation, offered Jasper a short nod of acknowledgment. Of course, he then turned his attention to his food and made a show of ignoring them until they were gone.

Alice refused to give up, though, as she kept coming over during our little 'lunch dates' - Alice's words, not mine - and I had to give her some credit for never once pushing Edward into joining our short conversations, but at the same time, she would always make an effort to address and include both of us. Sometimes she came by herself, other times accompanied by Jasper. And every day, Edward seemed a little less annoyed by his sister's presence.

One day, Alice told me in confidence how she felt horrible knowing Edward had always spent the lunch breaks alone and hungry over the years, and berated herself for never doing anything about it except asking him each day to join her and her friends in the cafeteria, only to just drop it when he refused. As tears of guilt welled up in her eyes, I gave her a hug, realizing that slowly easing Edward into socializing with her in school was Alice's way of trying to make amends.

As another week passed, something happened that turned out to be of major importance for the progress of our relationship. Seeing how much time Edward and I had spent together lately, both in and outside of school, I suppose it was just a matter of time before we would have our first argument.

I was standing by my locker one day, waiting for Edward as usual, when Eric Yorkie walked up to me, looking somewhat nervous. It made me a little surprised, because while Eric had been the first person to approach me and offer to show me around at my first day here at Forks High, we hadn't really talked much since. He was a nice guy, though, so I managed a smile as I gave him a questioning look.

He cleared his throat. "Hey, Bella, I was just wondering..." I looked at him expectantly - and a little warily - and he went on, "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I always see you hanging out with Edward Cullen. Are you two together or something?"

I frowned. Of all the things he could've possibly asked me, that was just about the last thing I had expected. "No offense, but I don't see how that is any of your business," I snapped. Eric's eyes widened slightly, and he looked a little hurt. For a moment, I felt a bit bad. After all, it wasn't like he had actually been rude or anything, he had merely asked me a question.

It suddenly occurred to me that I had reacted in such a defensive manner because I had no idea how to answer. I still didn't know how Edward truly felt about me, and it was starting to become really frustrating. More than once, I had tried to work up enough courage to let him know that I wanted more than just friendship, but I was afraid of ruining what we had. And the mere thought of losing him was unbearable.

Eric went on explaining, "Well, I was just asking because I was hoping maybe we could go out some time." When I just looked at him blankly, he let out a nervous laugh. "You know, like a... date? Dinner and a movie?" I opened my mouth, but he hurried on, "Anyway, that's why I was wondering about you and Cullen. I wanted to check first and see if you were..." he swallowed, "...available."

Blushing fiercely, I closed my eyes for a moment. "Eric, I..."

That's when we got interrupted, and both Eric and I jumped at the angry voice coming from behind us, "She's not fucking _available_, asshole! Just stay the hell away from her!"

Eric blanched, turning around to face Edward with his hands raised in a defensive manner. "Look, man, I-I was just..." He hesitated, clearly terrified, and I actually felt sorry for him. Edward glared daggers at him, fists clenched at his sides, and as Eric nervously took a step back, nearly stumbling over his own feet, I felt like I had to step in before someone - most definitely Eric - would end up getting hurt.

For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to reprimand Edward in public, so I turned to Eric with an apologetic look on my face. "Um, thanks for asking, Eric, but I don't think so. I'm sorry."

Obviously not daring to take his eyes away from Edward, as if fearing he would jump to the first opportunity to attack, Eric gulped, and nodded quickly in acceptance. "Yeah, sure, I understand." He started backing away, and as soon as he seemed to think he had put enough of a distance between himself and Edward, he spun around and all but ran in the other direction.

As soon as Eric was out of sight, I turned to Edward with my arms folded across my chest, unable to hide my irritation. "Okay, mind explaining yourself? What the hell was that? You nearly made the poor guy wet his pants, for crying out loud!"

Edward snorted, but had the decency to look a little ashamed. "Look, Bella, I just-"

I cut him off, too annoyed to let him finish, "Seriously, Edward, I think I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself. Who are you to tell anyone whether or not I'm available? I mean, it's not like _you_ have ever asked me out on a date. You have no right to go all caveman on me."

Of course, a little voice inside my head kept insisting that Edward had _every_ right, seeing how he was the only guy I wanted to date in the first place, but I was still upset by his behavior, suddenly not liking how he seemed to take me for granted without offering anything in return.

Edward's face fell, and he looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach. "Are you saying you actually _want_ to go out with the fucker?" he asked, quietly.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all!" I cried out in exasperation. "I have no interest in ever dating Eric Yorkie, or anyone else, for that matter, except..." I managed to stop myself before the word _you_ left my mouth. Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I then went on in a somewhat calmer voice, "Look, the point is, I was about to turn him down myself. You didn't have to act like a total jerk."

He lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I sighed. "I forgive you." My anger was already fading and I realized I couldn't stay mad at him. In fact, if the roles had been reversed and I had overheard some girl asking Edward out, I knew I would've wanted to claw her eyes out.

Wait a minute. Did that mean Edward was actually... jealous? I knew _I_ would've been, but I had no idea what to expect from him. Again with the frustration. "All I'm saying is, it would've been different if we were dating, then I would understand your reaction," I blurted out, regretting the words as soon as I had spoken.

Why couldn't I just have kept my mouth shut? People kept passing in the hallway, no one paying any attention to us, and for once, I would've gladly welcomed any kind of distraction. Where the hell was Alice when you needed her?

Edward's eyes immediately shot to mine, and he stared at me in disbelief. "W-would you like to..." His voice cracked, and he swallowed, visibly. When he spoke up again, his voice was barely more than a whisper. "Do you _want_ me to... ask you out on a..." he swallowed again, "...date?"

_Yes! Yes! More than anything!_

"Well, I..." Suddenly I was both sweating and freezing at the same time, and I felt panic starting to well up, threatening to consume me. This was it. I couldn't exactly lie and say no. But once the cat was out of the bag, there was no turning back. I could lose everything. "Not if it makes you feel uncomfortable," I finally mumbled and looked down at my feet, unable to meet his eyes.

But as the seconds passed, I realized I couldn't stand the silence, so I reluctantly raised my head. Edward's face had turned into an almost unhealthy shade of pale, and he looked like he had trouble breathing, or possibly being on the verge of having some kind of panic attack. "But... you actually _want_ me to?" he managed to choke out.

Although my body ached to reach out and take his hand in an attempt of calming him - which had always worked so far - I found myself unable to move. So instead I just nodded. "I'm so sorry," I told him, sincerely. "Edward, I don't wanna destroy what we have, our friendship means so much to me. I promise, I'll try to... I don't know..." I shrugged helplessly, not really knowing what I was trying to say.

It wasn't like I could actually turn my feelings off.

"Bella..." He inhaled, shakily, and I glanced at him, praying that I wouldn't start bawling, because that would probably scare him away for good. At least I hadn't admitted straight out that I was in love with him. "I-I don't date," he finally mumbled, awkwardly raking his fingers through his hair.

Maybe I should've just dropped it, but my mind had other ideas. "You once said the same thing about hanging out. And now look at us." The fact that he hadn't indicated that he found the mere idea of dating me to be completely repulsive wasn't lost on me. He had simply told me that he didn't date, period.

Edward was quiet for so long, I nearly jumped when he finally spoke up, his voice trembling slightly, "I've never... I mean, I wouldn't know what to..." He hesitated. "Bella, you deserve so much more-"

"Don't even think about going there!" I interrupted him, angrily. "Edward, I will not let you keep putting yourself down like this. Look, if you're a hundred percent sure that the only thing you'll ever want from me is friendship, then tell me now. I'll accept it and let it go. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'd still do it in a heartbeat, because I don't wanna lose you."

His eyes widened, and he looked at me with a doubtful expression on his face. Then he opened his mouth, but I wasn't finished. "But if you think there's even the slightest possibility that you some day might want something more, then please, just give it a chance." I paused. "Give _us_ a chance."

Honestly, I had no idea where the words were coming from. All of the sudden, I couldn't even find it in me to be embarrassed anymore. I just desperately wanted to get through to him, to make him see that he had a choice here; that this was about _him_, and not about what he thought was best for me.

I slowly reached out my hand, nearly crying in relief when he took it after only a brief moment of hesitation. "Bella, I want..." Edward let out a defeated sigh. "I don't know how to do this," he confessed in a small voice. "Fuck, I don't wanna lose you, either. I just..." He swallowed. "I guess we can try if you want," he then finally offered, quietly.

"Really?" I gasped, hope welling up inside me, and when he nodded, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

We agreed to start really simple and just go out for some coffee at the local coffee house downtown. And while a part of me secretly dreamed of me and Edward spending an hour or two close together in the darkness at the movie theater, I knew I had to be realistic and not jump ahead of myself. Because he was obviously not ready for anything like that.

I felt like I was learning a little more about Edward every day. Not from the things he was telling me, at least not mainly, because he was still very hesitant and unwilling to speak of his past. Although he would give me a crumb and drop a hint every now and then, it was clearly unintentional most of the times, and he didn't seem to realize he had shared something personal until it was already too late to take it back.

By now, I knew his stepfather used to beat him up on a daily basis, but when I carefully asked about his mother, he had closed up immediately, and I had reluctantly let the matter drop and changed the subject, knowing better than to keep pushing. I had come to realize it was easier and less painful to just observe Edward in certain situations, since his reactions and behavior often told me more about him than anything he could express in words.

I had to stay strong in front of Edward, because if he suspected even for a moment that I felt sorry for him; mistaking my tears of horror or sympathy for pity, he would shut me out and run so far away from me - metaphorically speaking - that it would take me hours just to reach him again. I had learned that the hard way.

Sometimes, he tried testing my limits, as if to see how far he could push me before I would snap. It didn't happen very often, but there were times when he would lash out at me for no particular reason. Luckily, I was always able to see right through the angry facade he kept putting up. Even though his accusing words hurt, I knew deep down that it was merely his fears and insecurities making an appearance.

Dealing with Edward would sometimes require the patience of an angel.

That night, I was forced to endure the humiliation of breaking the news to my dad that his little girl was going out on her first date. Of course, it wasn't really my first date, seeing how I had being going out with Jacob for almost a month back in Phoenix, but Charlie didn't know about that. And I dreaded his reaction, not because he was overly protective and might tell me I couldn't go, but because I feared he would decide it was time for the two of us to have The Talk.

Honestly, I couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing than having to listen to my father giving me a lecture about the importance of safe sex.

I waited until we were both seated at the dinner table, and then carefully cleared my throat. "Um, Dad?" He looked up immediately, giving me a suspicious look, and I gulped before I went on, quickly, "I sort of have a date tomorrow, with Edward Cullen."


	31. Chapter 31

EPOV

If someone had told me a couple of months ago that the day would come when I'd actually be looking forward to going to school, I would've said they were fucking crazy. But everything had changed since I started hanging out with Bella. All of the sudden, I had a reason to get up in the morning.

As the days turned into weeks, with me and Bella just getting closer each day, I slowly started to accept the fact that she just might be here to stay. After all, I had told her parts of my past - having been more than a little vague about the details, but still - and she hadn't run away screaming.

Not yet, anyway. I suppose deep down, a part of me would never stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, not really daring to believe that it would last. That I would actually be worthy of something good finally happening in my life. But so far, much to my amazement, Bella seemed to be happy enough just being in my company.

And somewhere along the way, she had become my rock to lean on. Her mere presence was like a soothing balm to me, and her touch would instantly calm me whenever I got worked up or agitated. It was a strange - although not unpleasant - feeling, seeing how I had spent most of my life so far avoiding any contact with other people.

Of course, in a way, it was also terrifying. Because once I had gotten used to having Bella in my life, how would I possibly survive without her, should it ever come to that? I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and did my best to push the disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind.

While there were times when I longed to let my guard down and tell Bella everything about my past, I was also terrified of losing her, and I honestly didn't know if I was strong enough to let her in completely, if I was brave enough to take such a huge risk. It was all very confusing and frightening, and I didn't know how to handle it.

Every once in a while, my anxiety and insecurities would get the best of me, and I was convinced that Bella had to be better off without me. During those episodes, I would sometimes make an effort to act like a total jerk, just so she would take the fucking hint. And sometimes, I managed to be an ass without even trying.

Like one day when she had followed me home after school, and we were up in my room, studying. Alice came barging into the room at some point, announcing that she was bored and wondered if Bella and I wanted to watch a movie with her. Upset with Alice for interrupting my time with Bella, I snapped at her and pretty much told her to get the fuck out, which resulted in Bella chiding me for being so rude.

Already being in a bad mood, Bella's well-founded criticism became the last straw, and I practically exploded, angrily exclaiming that if she found my behavior to be so offensive, she might as well just go and hang out with Alice and leave me the hell alone. Of course, I regretted my words as soon as they had left my mouth, but it was too late to take them back.

To make the whole thing worse, instead of yelling right back at me, like I deserved, Bella just looked at me for a moment, a somewhat hurt expression on her face, before quietly stating, "I'm not going anywhere."

I blinked, taken aback by her reply, and guilt started welling up inside me. "Well, maybe you should," I muttered.

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes. "Not gonna happen, though. But I still think you should apologize to Alice." Later that night, I did.

As Bella and I spent more and more time together, I started to notice these little things about her. Like the way she would crinkle her nose and toss her hair over her shoulder - as it kept falling in her eyes when she leaned forward, or the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled. I found everything about her fascinating. And I never got tired of being around her. In fact, I couldn't get enough of her, both of which scared me and piqued my curiosity at the same time.

A couple of days later, I was hurrying through the corridors in school to meet up with Bella for lunch, as usual. When I finally spotted her, standing by her locker, I frowned as I realized she wasn't alone. She was talking to a dark-haired guy I recognized from my English class - Eric something - who was standing way too close to her for my liking.

As I got closer, I managed to catch a part of their conversation, and what I heard made me see red.

"You know, like a... date? Dinner and a movie?" Eric let out a nervous chuckle. "Anyway, that's why I was wondering about you and Cullen. I wanted to check first and see if you were... available."

Was this a fucking joke? My eyes narrowed, and I clenched my fists in fury. The fucker had a lot of nerve thinking my Bella would ever go out with him. Of course, the fact that she wasn't really _my_ Bella to begin with only added to my irrational anger.

I walked up behind them, declaring in a loud voice, "She's not fucking _available_, asshole! Just stay the hell away from her!"

Both of them spun around, clearly startled by my sudden appearance, and I was pleased to notice that Eric looked fucking terrified. "Look, man, I-I was just..." he stuttered awkwardly as he quickly took a step back, and I glared at him, wanting nothing more than to just slam my fist into his face.

However, I didn't think Carlisle would be able to bail me out again if I initiated another fist fight, and while the thought of getting suspended hadn't really bothered me before, I suddenly dreaded the idea of missing any opportunity to spend time with Bella.

After Eric had run off, like the pathetic little coward he was, Bella turned her angry eyes to me. When she told me in a hard voice that I didn't have the right to go all 'caveman' on her, I was certain that I had screwed things up for good. "Are you saying you actually _want_ to go out with the fucker?" I suddenly felt a huge lump in my throat.

_Why wouldn't she? She's way too good for you. Of course she'd want to be with someone normal._

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all!" Bella was practically yelling now, and I winced, realizing I had really pissed her off. It had never been my intention; I had simply acted on an impulse. The truth was, I couldn't stand the idea of Bella with some other guy, no matter how innocent the interaction may be. And the thought of her actually fucking _dating_ one of them...

I lowered my eyes in shame and mumbled a weak apology, not knowing what else to do. And then, just like that, her face softened. "It's okay. I forgive you." I raised my brow, giving her a doubtful look, but decided it was probably best to remain silent, not wanting to make her mad again. Bella continued, "All I'm saying is, it would've been different if we were dating, then I would understand your reaction."

It took a moment for her words to sink in, for my mind to take in the fact that Bella had just referred to us as... dating, like such a thing wasn't totally alien to her. Like I was a normal person; someone she might even consider having a fucking relationship with. All of the sudden, my mouth felt completely dry.

No, I had to be mistaken. Because Bella would never... oh fuck! Suddenly I felt like my head was spinning. "Do you _want_ me to... ask you out on a..." Hell, I could barely bring myself to say it. "...date?" I croaked, my heart beating so fast I feared it might burst right out of my chest.

While a part of me refused to believe it was true, the guilty look on Bella's face told me otherwise. Then she started stuttering out apologies, rambling about how much our friendship meant to her, but to tell the truth, I wasn't really hearing much of what she was saying, because my mind was racing.

I wanted to go out on a fucking date with Bella so badly, but at the same time, the idea scared the hell out of me. Naturally, I had never been out on a date before, but I had watched enough movies to know how it was supposed to work, not to mention that I'd been forced to listen to Alice going on about her countless dates with Jasper, although I had tried to block it out from my memory.

If I agreed, what would Bella expect from me? I was pretty sure I could handle it if she just wanted us to hold hands, but what if she wanted me to kiss her? That was what people normally did on dates, right? And after the first kiss, it would most likely lead to even more intimate stuff, like...

"I-I don't date," I whispered, feeling how all color left my face. What the fuck was I thinking? I couldn't do this. I was an idiot for even considering it in the first place. Dating was for normal people. Normal people would eventually want to have sex. And I couldn't even think about it without wanting to fucking vomit.

Carlisle had once tried to talk to me about it, as had most of the therapists I had been seeing. They had all pretty much said the same thing; that with the right person, sex could be a good thing, a pleasant experience. But I didn't believe them. As far as I was concerned, sex was disgusting. It was all about control, dominance and obedience. And pain. Never-ending, fucking pain.

Of course, I wasn't stupid enough to think Bella only wanted to go out with me so we could have sex, nor that she would expect anything too intimate on a first date. She had made it clear to me, again and again, that she wanted me to feel comfortable with her, and that she wouldn't push me into something I wasn't ready for. I had come to trust her enough to believe she meant it.

And that's why dating Bella wouldn't be fair to her. I could never be enough for her. She was beautiful, perfect, flawless, and she deserved someone much better than me. Someone attractive, for one thing. I had more scars on my body than I could count, and the mere thought of taking my shirt off and reveal my damaged skin to Bella made me feel sick. If she hadn't found me repulsive before...

Still, deep down, I couldn't help but think it was just so fucking unfair. I didn't want to be like this. I wanted to be normal, to be able to do normal things. Bella kept telling me I was a good person, and I was starting to realize she actually believed it, that she wasn't just saying things like that to make me feel better. And I wanted to believe her, to believe that I was worthy of her, or at least would be some day.

I was ashamed to admit it, but the truth was, I was weak and selfish, and didn't want her to end up going out with someone else. But in the end, it was something Bella said that made me say to hell with it and decide to just go for it.

"Look, if you're a hundred percent sure that the only thing you'll ever want from me is friendship, then tell me now. I'll accept it and let it go. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but I'd still do it in a heartbeat, because I don't wanna lose you. But if you think there's even the slightest possibility that you some day might want something more, then please, just give it a chance. Give us a chance," she all but pleaded.

Then she held out her hand, the small gesture nearly bringing tears to my eyes, and I got a sudden urge to put my arms around her and never let go. But instead I just grabbed hold of her hand, squeezing softly and wondering yet again how she could possibly know that it was just what I needed right now.

"Bella, I want..." Realizing I had no idea how to ask her out without sounding like a complete idiot, I hesitated. "I don't know how to do this," I admitted then, unable to bring myself to look at her. "Fuck, I don't wanna lose you, either. I just..." Why did it have to be so fucking hard to get the words out? "I guess we can try if you want," I finally managed to choke out.

As soon as I had spoken, I cringed at the lack of enthusiasm in my voice. Not to mention my choice of words. _I guess we can try if you want?_ Who the hell would say something like that when they were supposed to ask a girl out? Great! Now she probably thought I wasn't really interested; that I was just trying to humor her. Why couldn't I ever do anything right?

But, much to my astonishment, Bella didn't seem put off - quite the opposite. "Really?" she gasped, hope evident in her voice. I could only nod. A genuine smile spread on her face, and I got a warm feeling inside, realizing that - despite my stupidity - I was the reason she was smiling.

I would never get tired of seeing Bella smile.

"So..." She was practically beaming now. "Where are we going? I mean, what do you wanna do?"

Good question. I had absolutely no fucking idea what was considered appropriate for a first date. Should I take her out for dinner or something? And in that case, would she expect me to pay for the whole thing, or would she find that insulting? Was I supposed to pick her up at her house? Or just meet up with her at the restaurant? What kind of restaurant? And what about fucking dress codes?

Panic started welling up inside me, and I forced myself to breathe slowly, in and out. "Um, I don't know. What-what would you like to do?" I croaked.

Thankfully oblivious to my inner turmoil, Bella gave me a somewhat shy smile, thinking for a moment. "Why don't we just start with something simple? You drink coffee, right?" I nodded. "Well, let's just go out for a cup of coffee, then." A pause. "And maybe some pie. They have really great pie at the coffee house downtown. Any kind you can think of. Personally, I think their blueberry pie is to die for."

She blushed, clearly embarrassed by her sudden eagerness. I just found it adorable. And just like that, the panic was gone. I even managed a weak smile. "Sure, that sounds great."

BPOV

Charlie opened his mouth, but I hurried on before he got the chance to speak, "Now, Dad, before you say anything, I just wanna remind you that I'm almost eighteen, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions." He made a new attempt of speaking up, but I cut him off again, "We're just going out for coffee, and I won't be home late. This is really important to me, and-"

"Bella." Charlie finally interrupted me, and I immediately fell silent. He let out a sigh. "Will you let me say something?" I bit my lip and nodded. "Edward Cullen, huh?" I nodded again, glancing nervously at him. However, his next words came as a total shock to me. "Right. I was wondering when it would come to this."

"I'm sorry, what?" I blinked in confusion. For some reason, Charlie didn't seem all that surprised by my statement, in fact, it was almost like he had been expecting it.

He snorted. "I'm your father, Bella. I may be old, but I'm not stupid. I know Alice is not the only reason you've been spending so much time at the Cullen's lately."

"How?" I gasped, my cheeks turning bright red.

"This is a small town. People talk." Charlie rolled his eyes. "I also happened to run into Carlisle at the gas station the other day. He told me how happy he was that you and Edward had become so close friends." He gave me a somewhat wounded look.

All of the sudden, I felt like a total idiot. Charlie had known the Cullen's a lot longer than I had, and it hadn't even occurred to me that they might actually talk to each other every now and then. And here I had been sneaking around with the fact that Edward and I were friends, for reasons I couldn't even remember. God this was so embarrassing!

"I'm sorry, Dad." I lowered my eyes. "I didn't mean to hide things from you. I should've told you sooner."

"Damn right, you should have." Charlie's face hardened. "I don't understand, Bella. I mean, I know we haven't really been close, with you growing up with your mother and all, but you live here with me now. I trust you. Have I given you any reason not to trust me in return?"

"No." I felt horrible. Somehow, I would've almost preferred Charlie yelling at me.

He must have seen the miserable look on my face, because when he spoke again, his expression turned softer. "Bella, I'm not mad, just disappointed that you felt like you had to go behind my back like this. I can't say I know Edward, but the Cullen's are good people. As long as the boy treats you respectfully, then I don't see any problem with you going out with him."

My eyes widened, and I couldn't keep the hopeful smile from spreading on my face. "Really?"

"Really." Charlie paused before adding, calmly, "After he comes here to properly introduce himself, of course."

_Oh crap!_


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N:** **Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing and/or rec'ing my story.** **Your support means the world to me.**

***~*~***

BPOV

"Um, Dad…" I hesitated, desperately searching my mind for the right way to explain to my father why Edward coming over to introduce himself might not be the best idea. "Is that really necessary? I mean, it's only our first date. You'll get to meet him eventually, I promise. But I don't see why it has to happen so soon."

Charlie frowned. "Is there a reason why you don't want me to meet him?" Before I could respond, he continued, "I'm sorry, Bells, but this is how it's gonna be. If you want to go out with him, then he comes here first. I don't think that's too much to ask for." He paused. "I promise not to bring out my gun, if that's what you're worrying about."

My eyes widened in horror, and I paled. "God, Dad, don't even joke about it!"

He chuckled, his fingers drawing the shape of an invisible halo above his head. "I'll be on my best behavior."

I sighed, deciding to be honest. "Look, Dad, I know you mean well, but Edward might feel a bit... intimidated by your presence. He's not really comfortable around people he doesn't know."

My dad shrugged. "Then we'll just have to get to know each other, and it won't be a problem."

"Dad..." I started, although I wasn't really sure what I was going to say.

"Bella." All of the sudden, he was dead serious. "I'm aware of Edward's... social issues. Like I said, I don't know the boy personally, but I am acquainted with his adopted parents. I was here when Edward first came to live with them, and it was Carlisle himself who contacted me at the station to inform me about the restraining order. Now, I don't know how much he has told you, but-"

"Restraining order?" I cut him off, staring at him with my mouth wide open.

Charlie let out a sigh. "I guess that answers my question. Bella, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. It's not my place to-"

I interrupted him again, "Dad, please don't give me the whole 'it's not my place' speech. This is my boyfriend we're talking about."

His eyes narrowed. "I thought you said it was only your first date. Now he's your boyfriend?"

My cheeks turned bright red, and I was unable to hide my embarrassment. It hadn't been my intention to blurt it out like that; the word had just slipped out of my mouth. I suppose, in my heart, I was already thinking of Edward as my boyfriend. But I should've kept that thought to myself, at least for now. Sometimes, I really needed a vocal filter.

"It's just a figure of speech," I muttered defensively, then cleared my throat. "My point is, you seem to know more about Edward than I do. I didn't realize." He opened his mouth, but I went on, "He's told me some stuff about his past, but I get a feeling I don't even know half of it. And I'm not gonna ask you for any inside information. But Dad, will you just promise me one thing?"

"What's that?" He gave me a somewhat suspicious look.

"Just go easy on him." I bit my lip, glancing at him. "And please, don't try to shake his hand."

EPOV

While a part of me was anxious about the upcoming date, I still like to think I was taking it pretty cool, all things considering. Of course, that was until Bella called. Not that I wasn't happy to hear her voice, but she sounded nervous. And I was about to find out why.

"Edward," she started, hesitantly, and I suddenly feared she was calling me to cancel our date the next day. Maybe she'd decided it was a mistake; that we should just stick to being friends. The thought made me feel a pang in my chest, but I figured I would be able to handle it if that was the case. As long as she would still be a part of my life.

But her next words made me freeze. "My dad wants to meet you," she finally managed to get out, sounding apologetic.

I nearly dropped the phone, having definitely not seen that coming. "W-what?" I stuttered, immediately starting to panic.

Obviously picking up on my sudden distress, Bella hurried on, "It's no big deal, really; basically he just wants you to stop by and say hello. I mean, it's not like he's gonna give you the third degree or anything. He'll be good, I promise. And it'll be over quickly. It shouldn't take more than a couple of minutes, and then we can leave."

When I failed to respond, she continued, quietly, "Look, I understand if you don't wanna do this. It's okay, you don't have to. It's just that Charlie insists on meeting you if we're gonna go out." She hesitated for a moment. "Edward, please don't back out because of this. I promise, I'll think of something. I don't wanna lie to my dad, but..." Her voice trailed off, and I could hear sadness behind her words.

It suddenly hit me that Bella actually worried about _me_ calling the whole thing off, and the irony of it all wasn't lost on me. But the thought of having to face her father - who without doubt would question my intentions, no matter what Bella said - frightened me more than I liked to admit, and not just because the man happened to be the Chief of Police of Forks.

The whole situation was completely foreign to me, and I had no idea what to expect. In a way it made sense, I suppose, that Bella's father would want to meet the guy who was going on a fucking date with his daughter. But could I do it? I honestly didn't know. Then again, I figured it didn't really matter, because if I wanted to go out with Bella, I didn't have much choice.

Although she didn't seem comfortable with the idea, Bella had indicated that she was prepared to lie if she had to, just so we could still go out. And I could tell that she meant it; she would come up with some excuse to give Charlie, should I just ask her to. That, or she might just sneak out of the house; I wouldn't put anything past her.

And that's why I knew I had do it. Because I was not going to let her risk getting in trouble with her father because of me. I wasn't worth it. So I took a deep breath. "No, it's all right. I'll be there."

Later that night, I went downstairs to get something to eat, and found Emmett in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge. He looked up when I entered the room, giving me a brief nod. "Mom and Dad went out," he informed me, picking up a slice of leftover pizza. "Said something about a wedding anniversary."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Carlisle and Esme had been going on about their twenty-year anniversary all week, but Emmett had never been much for paying attention. Alice chose that moment to join us, a wide grin on her face. "Emmett, put the pizza down. Mom left me in charge of the kitchen. I'm making fajitas!"

"Cool." Emmett paused, eying the pizza with a thoughtful expression, and then shoved the whole slice into his mouth. Seeing Alice's look of disapproval, he shrugged. "What? I'm hungry now."

Alice looked a little annoyed, but obviously decided to ignore his statement. Instead she turned to me. "You're eating with us, right?"

"Sure, whatever." I shrugged. After all, I was going to eat anyway, and fajitas sounded a lot better than anything I would be able to come up with.

Clearly pleased with my reply, Alice all but skipped over to the stove. "You guys can set the table. Make it for four; Jasper's coming over in a bit."

"Then I'm calling..." Emmett started automatically, but then stopped himself and lowered his eyes. "Never mind," he mumbled, closing the door to the fridge a little harder than necessary.

I frowned, knowing he had been about to say 'Rosalie'. When I thought about it, I realized it had been a while since I had seen her around the house. Not that I was complaining; I couldn't stand the bitch. A part of me was curious, though, but I wasn't going to ask. Although we mostly just tried to avoid each other, Emmett and I had managed to act almost civilized towards one another lately.

"Maybe I should've invited Bella," Alice mused as she opened the large cupboard to look for ingredients. I tensed up briefly at the mention of Bella's name. Alice continued, "I've barely talked to her all week. She's been acting a little strange lately." She glanced at me. "You don't think she's mad at me, do you?"

"What?" I gave her an incredulous look. "How the fuck would I know?" She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at me expectantly, and I caved with a sigh. "Not that I know of," I muttered as I headed for the fridge to grab a soda. "I'll ask her tomorrow if you want." I immediately regretted the words.

Emmett looked up. "Tomorrow's Saturday," he stated.

"Yeah, so?" I turned to him in exasperation. "I know what fucking day it is." His eyes narrowed at my hostile tone.

Clearly sensing a fight coming up, Alice quickly stepped in, "Oh, you're gonna see Bella tomorrow? Can I come?"

"No," I responded, firmly. A sly smile spread on her face, but she remained silent. I took a large gulp of my soda, doing my best to ignore her.

Emmett looked from me to Alice, and then back at me again. "What, is Bella your girlfriend now? What's happening tomorrow? Is it like a date?"

"That's none of your fucking business," I stated as calmly as I could, trying not to snap at him, since there was no real sarcasm in his voice, just curiosity.

He stubbornly held my gaze. "You didn't say no. So it _is_ a date?"

"No." I rolled my eyes. "Maybe. I don't wanna talk about it." I gave Alice a warning look, and she had the nerve to look offended. She huffed as she started chopping the vegetables.

A couple of minutes passed in a blissful silence before Alice dropped the knife at the cutting board and spun around. "Can I just ask one question?"

I was tempted to say no, but had a feeling that wouldn't stop her. "What?" I asked, suspiciously.

She hesitated a little, and I realized she was struggling to smother her eagerness, which was very out of character for her. "Where are you guys going?" Seeing the look on my face, she hurried on, "I'm just curious. I promise; I'm not gonna stalk you or anything." Emmett let out an amused snort, but didn't say anything.

I sighed. "Just out for some coffee. It's no big deal." That was a fucking lie, and I was pretty sure we all knew it. Luckily, no one questioned my statement.

"Coffee's fine, I guess, for a first..." Alice managed to stop herself before the word 'date' left her mouth. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, you can always do something fancier the next time. Jazz and I usually-"

"Yeah, really not interested," I muttered, cutting her off. I didn't miss the hurt look on her face, but did my best to ignore it, although I had to admit I felt a little bad.

Emmett had been quiet for a while, but now he spoke up, "So, what kind of flowers are you bringing her?"

"Flowers?" I spluttered, choking on my soda. "You're fucking joking, right?" His face was dead serious. "Should I?" The thought hadn't even occurred to me.

Alice perked up. "Absolutely! Flowers are always nice. It'll make her feel special."

"Oh, okay." I felt like an idiot for not knowing about these things. But then again, why should I? It wasn't like I'd ever had any reason to care about trivial shit like flowers before.

"You can't just bring her any flowers, though." Emmett opened one of the kitchen cabinets and grabbed three plates. Seeing my frown, he started explaining, "You know, different colors mean different things. I have this article up in my room..." he stopped abruptly when he saw my bewildered expression. "It was Rosalie who gave it to me, okay? Just shut the fuck up!"

Alice started giggling. "I still can't believe you actually fed her that cheesy 'A rose for a Rose' line!"

Emmett scowled at her, clearly embarrassed. "What? I thought I was being romantic and shit! How was I supposed to know she'd freak out and think I was just trying to get into her pants?"

"Oh, I don't know." Alice gave him a somewhat amused look. "Are you telling me you weren't?" They kept bickering, but I had stopped listening. Now I had gotten another thing to worry about. Bringing Bella flowers, or not?

And what fucking color?

Hell, I was still freaking out over the thought of meeting Bella's father. Suddenly I felt like my head was spinning. It was all just becoming too much. I wasn't ready for this. Both Alice and Emmett jumped when I slammed the half empty soda can down on the kitchen counter. They immediately fell silent, staring at me with wide eyes.

"I've changed my mind, I'm not hungry," I managed to get out between gritted teeth before I spun around and left the room. I could hear Alice's objections, but thankfully, she didn't follow. Hurrying up the stairs, I fled into my room and quickly closed the door behind me.

Slumping down on the bed, I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, struggling to get my emotions under control. It wasn't working, though. I clenched my fists in frustration. Why had I agreed to this fucking date? I had been an idiot to think I could ever go through with it.

_You agreed because you wanted to,_ the voice inside my head argued. _Bella is the best thing that ever happened to you, and you will not screw this up like everything else. Just get a fucking grip!_

A knock on the door snapped me out of my troubled thoughts, and I let out a groan. I really wasn't in a mood for one of Alice's fucking pep talks. "Go away!" I grumbled, suppressing the urge to throw something hard and breakable at the door. Another knock. "I mean it, Alice. Leave me the fuck alone!"

The knocking just continued, and I'd had enough. Jumping up from the bed, I strode across the room and flung the door open. Having expected to see Alice, I was a little taken aback when I realized it was Emmett standing on the other side, but I quickly recovered. "What part of 'go away' don't you understand?" I demanded, angrily.

He shrugged, giving me a smug look. "You said 'Alice'. I'm not Alice. Now, if you'd said 'go away, _Emmett_', it would've been a whole different matter."

Silently counting to five, I desperately tried to control my temper. If he was trying to get my mind off of my sudden anxiety over the date with Bella, I would have to say he was succeeding, at least for the moment. But I refused to give him the credit, knowing it was more likely that he was just trying to piss me off. "Go away, _Emmett_," I all but growled.

"No," was his only reply as he calmly stepped past me and into the room. I just stared after him - too stunned to protest - as he sauntered over to my desk and plonked himself down in the black office chair.

Remaining by the door - still holding it wide open - I glared at him, finally finding my voice. "Get out of my room!"

"Oh, just chill for a moment, will you?" Emmett rolled his eyes. "I'm not here to pick a fight. Just came to talk."

"Talk?" I snorted. "Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. I don't know why Alice would send you up here, but-"

I was cut off as a dry laugh escaped him. "Alice? Now _that's_ hilarious, man. She nearly beat me down with her fucking spatula to keep me from getting up here."

That threw me off for a second, and I stared at him in bewilderment. "If Alice didn't put you up to this, then what the fuck are you doing here?"

Emmett let out a patient sigh. "I told you; I just wanna talk."

"Why?" He opened his mouth, but I shook my head and went on, a hard note in my voice, "Never mind. Look, you can just drop the nice act. Why don't you just do both of us a favor? Stop pretending like you care, and go back to hating my guts."

I could see his jaw clench, but his voice remained calm as he spoke. "I don't hate you. I may think you're acting like a total asshole most of the time, but I don't hate you." Not knowing how to respond to that, I took a step back into the room, leaving the door open. He hesitated for a moment. "Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say this. I was out of line. Forget about the flowers."

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion.

Emmett sighed again. "Forget what I said about the fucking flowers. It's no big deal. You don't have to bring her anything."

I stared at him like he had just grown a second head. "What the fuck are you talking about? You said-"

"Yeah, I know what I said." He absently started drawing patterns on my desk with his index finger. "I wasn't thinking. Rose was into that kind of shit; honestly, I think she just got off on me buying her stuff. But Bella's nothing like Rosalie."

"Thank God for that," I muttered without thinking. But Emmett didn't seem overly upset by my statement. He just mumbled something I couldn't make out. My eyes narrowed. "Are you two...?"

He shrugged, looking away. "We're taking a break. Don't wanna get into it." I frowned, but didn't argue. For a minute or so, neither of us said anything. Finally Emmett spoke up again, "You know, from what I've seen so far, Bella's not a shallow person. Quite the opposite. My point is, just do it your way, and don't go overboard. You'll do fine."

Now I was more confused than ever. To be perfectly honest, Emmett was the last person I would ever have expected to understand how I felt about all of this. And yet, he seemed to know exactly why I had freaked out down in the kitchen. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts.

When I didn't say anything, Emmett got up from the chair. "Anyway, I'll leave you alone now. Just..." He hesitated. "Don't get me wrong. Most girls like to be pampered every once in a while. Like Alice said; it makes them feel special. But you do it because you _want_ do, not because you feel obligated. That'll just make them feel shitty."

I nodded slowly in understanding. Emmett cleared his throat. "Right. I'll just..." He shrugged, looking somewhat awkward, and I couldn't blame him. To tell the truth, I felt like I had just stepped back into reality after spending the last ten minutes in some parallel universe.

After Emmett had left the room, I happened to cast a look at my desk, and my eyes landed on a crumpled piece of paper that hadn't been there before. Hesitating a little, I then made my way over there and picked it up. I couldn't help but chuckle as it hit me what I was looking at. It was an article, having been roughly cut out from some kind of magazine. At the bottom was a long list.

And at the top were the words _'Flowers and their Meanings.'_


	33. Chapter 33

BPOV

When Alice had offered to come over and help me get ready for my date with Edward, I politely declined, in fear of her going overboard and changing me beyond recognition. By now, I had come to learn how Alice's mind worked. Her idea of a proper attire for a date at the coffee house would probably mean either a cocktail dress or an evening gown, accompanied with a pair of five inches stiletto heels.

The mere thought made me shudder.

But now, with Edward's arrival less than an hour away, I was starting to question my decision of banning Alice from my house until the date was over. Not that I wanted her to give me another make-over, because no matter how much she would try and convince me otherwise, it just wasn't me. A little mascara and some lip gloss, and I was ready for any event, may it be formal or casual.

And as for clothes, I felt much more at ease just wearing comfortable jeans and a pretty top than a fancy dress or a skirt. I liked it simple, and more importantly, I was less likely to stumble and break my ankle if I'd walk around in a pair of sneakers.

However, this wasn't just any ordinary date. It was with Edward. I wanted it to be perfect. Not to mention that I wanted him to find me attractive, not looking like I had just grabbed the first thing my eyes landed on when I opened the closet this morning. Because standing next to Edward, I was pretty sure I must be looking like something the cat had just dragged in.

I mean, the guy was stunning. With his pale - almost alabaster - yet incredibly smooth skin, emerald eyes, and perfectly full lips, you could easily compare him to some Greek god. And the more I got to know Edward, the more I started to realize that he was just as beautiful on the inside. Only he didn't seem aware of his resplendence.

To me, Edward Cullen was perfect. He had it all; good looks and a good heart. True - he clearly came with a pretty heavy baggage. I knew there were still a lot of things he kept from me; things he either couldn't or wouldn't share with me yet. He always seemed troubled, haunted, and I thought I could count the times I had actually seen him smile, using only the fingers on my right hand.

At the same time, I suspected Edward had opened up more to me during these past few weeks than he ever had before, to anyone, including his adopted family. And while a part of me felt pride and happiness for being the one person he obviously felt comfortable with, it also broke my heart. Who had been there for him before me? I was pretty sure I knew the answer - nobody.

In fairness to his family, I no longer doubted they had been trying, all of them. But Edward's obvious unwillingness to let them in had caused a huge gap between them, and they didn't know how to reach out to him, how to help him. I had blamed them at first, had even accused them - to their face, like with Emmett, or in my mind, like with the rest of them - of not caring about Edward.

I knew better now, though. In a way, they were all victims. None of them deserved this. Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Emmett. I had come to care about them like a second family, and I wanted to help all of them.

But most of all, I wanted to help Edward. I wanted to take all his pain and make it go away - or share his pain, if the former wasn't possible. Because even if he wouldn't say anything, I knew he was hurting, badly. And it was killing me to just watch, unable to do anything about it.

Of course, I wasn't stupid. It was all becoming so clear to me now. I realized Edward's behavior - his temper, the random outbursts and his trust issues - it all had to be the result of childhood trauma; the abuse he had suffered all those years ago at the hand of his step father. No wonder he didn't like to be touched, since he must have come to associate physical contact with pain.

When I thought about it, I just wanted to weep. Even more so when I recalled Edward chanting repeatedly that he was bad, when it was so obvious that he was nothing of the sort. It was all in his head, and there was no doubt that it had been his evil, son of a bitch stepfather who had put the ideas there.

How anyone could be so heartless, so cruel, was beyond me.

I could only pray that - in time - Edward would be able to fully open up to me. In the meantime, all I could do was to prove, again and again, that I was there for him, that I wasn't going anywhere. Eventually, he would have no choice but to believe me. Then he would have no reason to keep testing my limits to see what it would take to scare me away.

And hopefully, one day, he would love me the way I loved him, with all my heart. But in all honesty, deep down, I couldn't help but fear that I wouldn't be worthy of him. Because Edward deserved so much more than I could possibly have to give him. I was just plain Bella Swan. Nothing special about me, at all. And I was terrified the day would come when he would realize he could do so much better.

But I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on that, at least not now. Casting a look at my watch, my eyes widened in horror as I realized I had gotten lost in my thoughts, and now had less than twenty minutes before Edward would show up. Rushing into the bathroom, I nearly tripped over my own feet in my sudden eagerness to get ready for the most important date of my life.

My hands were trembling slightly as I looked into the mirror and tried to apply some of my new lip gloss without getting the pink goo all over my teeth. Then I swept a brush through my hair a couple of times, causing it to fall in soft waves over my shoulders. Adding some black mascara, along with a few drops of my favorite perfume, and I was all done.

Charlie was sitting in front of the TV, watching some baseball game. He looked up briefly when I came stumbling down the stairs. "You look nice," was all he offered before he turned his attention back to the game. I eyed him suspiciously to make sure he had kept his promise of not bringing out his gun, or any kind of weapon, for that matter.

You could never be too careful.

"Now Dad, remember what we talked about." I started ticking off on my fingers; "No shaking hands. No embarrassing questions. Don't say or do anything that might make Edward feel uncomfortable. In fact, you don't even have to get up. You can just sit right there where you are. And-"

"Bella," he raised a hand to stop my ramblings, "we've been through this already." The doorbell rang, causing me to jump, and Charlie rolled his eyes. "Just go let Edward in. I'll wait here."

"Right." I nervously wrung my hands as I left the room, heading for the front door. This was it. I took a deep breath before grabbing the handle, and pulled the door open. Edward was standing out on the porch, one hand stuffed into his pocket and the other one behind his back, looking every bit as nervous as I was, if not more. But when our eyes met, he visibly relaxed. "Hey," he mumbled, somewhat awkwardly.

"Hi." I swallowed. "Um, come on in. My dad's in the living room." Remembering my manners, I quickly took a step back, allowing him to enter.

"Oh. Yeah, okay." Taking a hesitant step through the doorway, Edward then cleared his throat. "Listen, Bella, before we... I mean, I just wanted to... Oh, fuck this - here." He revealed the hand he had kept hidden, and, almost roughly, handed me a single, purple flower.

I blinked in surprise, too stunned to speak as I accepted the exquisite flower, immediately bringing it up to my nose to inhale its scent. When I got a closer look, I noticed that the stem looked a tad worse for wear, like he had been squeezing it a little too tightly on his way over. But I didn't care - it was still absolutely perfect. Tears started welling up in my eyes, as I was touched beyond words.

"Thank you," I whispered. "It's beautiful."

The relief on his face was almost comical. "Really? You don't hate it, then?"

"Are you kidding?" I stared at him in disbelief. "Edward, I love it. I don't know much about flowers, though. What's it called?"

Edward suddenly seemed to find something very interesting on the floor, next to his feet. "Freesia," he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. "I mean, that's what they said in the store." A pause. "You can google it if you want."

"Okay." I smiled, reaching for his hand and giving it a soft squeeze. All of the sudden, I found myself wondering what his reaction would've been if I had just given him a hug instead. Edward seemed perfectly okay with me touching him these days, and surely a hug would be customary on a date. Still, I was too much of a coward to initiate it, especially with my father in the next room.

Right, Charlie. Who was in there waiting for Edward to come and introduce himself. I let out a sigh, deciding we might as well get it over with. "Look, why don't we just go say hi to my dad? Then we can get out of here."

"All right." Edward blew out a gust of air. Then he ran his hand through his hair. "Bella, I don't know how to do this," he admitted with a sigh. "I mean, I've never..." His voice trailed off and he lowered his eyes.

"I get it. I'm glad, actually." He looked up at me, frowning. "It makes me happy knowing you haven't done this for anyone else," I explained, blushing.

A ghost of a smile appeared on his face. "Right. Okay. Let's do it, then."

I nodded, tugging gently on his hand, and he followed me into the kitchen, where I quickly put the flower in a glass of water. Then we headed for the living room. Charlie sat up straight on the couch when we entered the room, but - like I had asked him - he remained where he was. His eyes landed on our intertwined hands, but thankfully, he didn't comment.

"Dad, this is Edward." I tried to smile, but since I was so nervous, it probably came out a bit strained. "And Edward, this is my dad, Charlie."

Edward cleared his throat. "It's nice to meet you, Chief Swan."

"Likewise. But there's no need to be so formal." My father waved his hand in dismissal. "Just call me Charlie. I'm well acquainted with your parents; I don't see any reason why we shouldn't be on a first name basis as well."

I could see Edward tense up briefly at the word 'parents', but he didn't say anything about it. Instead he just nodded in acceptance. "All right."

Charlie nodded as well. The room fell quiet for a moment. Casting a look at the TV, he then looked at Edward again. "So, Edward, how do you feel about baseball?"

Clearly a little taken aback by the question, Edward glanced at me, questioningly. I just shrugged, giving him an encouraging smile. He turned back to my dad, a somewhat uncertain look on his face. "Um, baseball's fine, I guess. I'm not that much into sports and stuff, but I watch it every now and then."

"I see." Charlie nodded in understanding.

I rolled my eyes, turning to Edward. "Dad's a huge sports fan. It's his greatest joy in life. Well, that and fishing."

Charlie's face lit up at the mention of his other favorite hobby. He nodded in agreement. "Do you like fishing, Edward?"

Edward shrugged, a little awkwardly. "Actually, I've never tried it. But I'm sure it's..." he hesitated a little, searching for the right word, "...relaxing."

"It is." Charlie snickered. "Unless you have Bella with you. I brought her along once when she was seven, and she nearly fell into the water half a dozen times. It might have been more, but by then, I had to stop counting and just focus on keeping her safely in the boat."

"Dad!" I glared at him, embarrassed.

Obviously encouraged by Edward's amused expression, Charlie ignored me and went on, "And then she threw a tantrum every time she happened to actually catch a fish. She felt so sorry for them. I ended up removing the hook from her fishing pole, just to get some peace and quiet. Then she was perfectly happy, just sitting there waving that damn thing around in the water."

Edward chuckled at that. "If you didn't want to catch any fish, why would you go in the first place?"

Beyond embarrassed now, I shrugged, feeling my cheeks flush. "It sounded like fun when Dad talked about it. I just didn't realize we were gonna kill them. That's just wrong."

Charlie got a thoughtful look on his face. "You know, I think I may have some pictures lying around. Let me just-"

I cut him off before he could finish the sentence. "Absolutely not, Dad! No pictures. Besides, we gotta go." Giving him a firm look, I prayed that he would take the hint and let the subject drop.

Thankfully, he did, although he seemed a little disappointed. "Oh. Of course." I rolled my eyes. That was the last thing I needed; my father bringing out the baby pictures. While I had wanted him and Edward to get along, I didn't see why it had to be on my expense. Then again, if it made Edward feel less uncomfortable, I suppose I could endure.

I bit my lip, glancing at Edward. "Shall we?" He nodded. "All right, Dad. See you later."

"Have fun." Charlie paused. "Nice meeting you, Edward."

"You too," Edward agreed, although he seemed more than a little relieved that the introductions were over so we could leave. I didn't blame him. At least things had gone pretty smoothly. And now it was over. Or so I thought.

"Bella..." Charlie called out quietly, just as I was about to follow Edward out of the room. I stopped in alarm, turning to look at him over my shoulder. "Don't be home too late. And..." he lowered his voice, "I put a can of pepper spray in the pocket of your jacket, just in case."

I snorted. "You're a real hoot, Dad." Seeing his dead serious expression, I realized he wasn't joking. Shaking my head in exasperation, I left without another word.

About twenty minutes later, Edward and I arrived at the coffee house. The place wasn't too crowded; almost half of the tables were empty, and we were shown to a booth next to a large window. It didn't take long before a waitress showed up to take our orders.

She was tall with strawberry blonde hair, extremely beautiful, and looking to be a few years older than us, probably in college. My eyes narrowed as she batted her long eyelashes at Edward, introducing herself as 'Tanya', before asking in a low, seductive voice if he wanted to hear about 'today's specialties'.

To my great relief, Edward didn't look overly pleased by the attention. If anything, he seemed to be uncomfortable by the whole thing. And when Tanya leaned over the table, giving him a generous view of her cleavage, he visibly shrank back into his seat. Ignoring the girl's shameless attempt of flirting with him, he looked at me. "Bella?" His voice was a bit strained.

I waited for Tanya to turn her attention to me, but when she just tossed her hair over her shoulder and kept smiling at Edward - either oblivious or simply ignoring his discomfort - I'd had enough. Loudly clearing my throat, I then actually snapped my fingers at her.

"Um, hello? Are you capable of taking a simple order without molesting your customers, or do we have to file a complaint and take it up with your pimp?" My eyes widened as soon as the words had left my mouth, because I had never spoken to a stranger in such a disrespectful manner before. I couldn't find it in me to feel bad, though; she had it coming.

Finally tearing her eyes away from Edward, Tanya turned to stare at me, her face bright red. The smile she gave me then was as fake as her ridiculously large boobs. "What would you like?" she asked in a cold voice.

"Hmm..." I pretended to give it a lot of thought, determined not to give her the advantage of the situation. If she thought she could get away with ogling Edward right in front of me, she was mistaken. In all honesty, I was a little surprised by my strong reaction, especially since Edward had done absolutely nothing to encourage her - quite the opposite - but I was still upset by her rude behavior.

However, I resisted the urge to ask her to recite the menu just to further annoy her. "I'll have a vanilla latte," I told her. Then a thought occurred to me, and I was unable to keep a devilish grin from spreading on my face. "Oh, and some blueberry pie. One slice - two spoons." I then turned to Edward, not wanting it to seem like I was walking all over him, and asked, sweetly, "If that's okay with you, honey?"

I just couldn't help myself, but suddenly I feared I had gone too far. Edward's eyes darted between me and Tanya before finally landing on me, and he had a slightly shocked expression on his face. But, much to my relief, he quickly recovered. "Um, sure." Then he cleared his throat, and added, "And I'll have some coffee. Black."

"Of course." Tanya's expression had changed, and now she just looked bored. She quickly spun around and disappeared, but not before throwing one last hateful glare in my direction.

And I couldn't hide my victorious smile as I waved my hand at her and mouthed, "Chop chop!"


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N:**** I'd like to thank every single one of you who have taken time to read and review my story.**

***~*~***

EPOV

As soon as Tanya was out of sight, I turned to stare at Bella in wonder, not sure of what had just happened. When she noticed the look on my face, her triumphant expression disappeared, and she lowered her eyes in shame. "Oh my God, Edward, I'm really sorry. I was out of line; I shouldn't have-"

"Bella..." I cut her off, although I had no idea what I was going to say. The truth was, I felt like an idiot. This was just another reason why I shouldn't be doing things like this. Because I couldn't fucking handle it. Tanya may have been way too friendly for my liking, but it wasn't like she had actually touched me or anything. And yet, I had almost crawled out of my own skin to get away from her.

Bella went on like she hadn't even noticed my interruption, and her voice became more agitated as she threw a nervous look over her shoulder, "And I can't believe I actually compared the waitress to a hooker. To her face! I mean, she totally deserved it, but still... Oh God, I wasn't even thinking. She just made me so mad, I could just-"

"Bella!" I interrupted her again, a little firmer this time. "Just calm down. I'm getting kinda confused here. Why are you so upset?"

_And did she really just call me 'honey'?_

"Are you serious?" Bella stared at me like I had just grown a second head. "I was sitting right here, and she was coming on to you!"

It took a moment for her words to sink in. Then my eyes widened in disbelief. "No..." I shook my head in denial. "Come on, Bella, that's fucking ridiculous. She was just..." I stopped, suddenly at a loss for words. To tell the truth, the thought hadn't even occurred to me.

"What? You think she greets all customers like that? My God, she nearly climbed into your lap!" Bella blushed furiously and covered her face with her hands. I just looked at her, feeling like my head was spinning. When she let out a loud groan, I leaned over the table without hesitation and carefully grabbed her wrists, tugging gently until she removed her hands and allowed our eyes to meet.

"Let's get out of here." The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken.

At first she just looked confused. Then her eyes widened in alarm. Finally she swallowed, hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to freak out like that."

I frowned, not understanding why she looked so sad all of the sudden. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what I had just missed. "It's okay," I told her, quietly. "But would you mind if we just skip the coffee and go somewhere else?" I felt really bad for suggesting it, seeing how this had been Bella's idea, but I started to feel like I couldn't breathe in here, let alone have an actual conversation.

And it suddenly seemed to be of major importance for me and Bella to clear the air.

Bella blinked in surprise at my words, and when she spoke up, her relief was palpable. "Go somewhere else? Oh, I thought you meant..." She let out a nervous laugh and nodded. "Sure. That bitch will probably spit in my latte, anyway."

I snorted at that, but then figured she might well be right. "What about the pie?"

She shrugged. "I've lost my appetite." Seeing how I was about to object, she hurried on, "Really, I'd rather just go someplace where we can talk, without some skanky waitress hovering over our shoulders."

"Right." I threw an alarmed look over my shoulder, but luckily, Tanya was nowhere to be seen.

Bella bit her lip, a somewhat uncertain look on her face. "So, where do you wanna go instead?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then an idea occurred to me.

About thirty minutes later, Bella and I stepped through the last of the shrubbery and out into the meadow. Somewhere along the way, I had taken her hand, telling myself it was just so she wouldn't stumble over something and fall, but deep down, I knew that was just an excuse. The truth was, I had come to enjoy the feeling of Bella's much smaller hand in mine, more than I was ready to admit.

Because all of the sudden, it wasn't just about comfort anymore. Sure, Bella's touch still had a calming effect on me, but somehow, it had become more than that. I wanted to be close to her; had come to crave the physical contact, for no other reason than the simple fact that it felt good. And it both thrilled me and terrified me at the same time.

While a part of me still feared that it wouldn't last, I was so fucking tired of worrying about it all the time. It was exhausting, and I just wanted to be able to relax, if only for a moment.

After leaving my car by the end of the road and starting to make our way through the forest, Bella and I had been walking quietly next to each other, neither of us feeling it necessary to fill the silence with words. We both knew where we were heading, and it was like we had made a silent agreement not to talk until we had arrived.

Although the sky was overcast, it hadn't been raining for a couple of days, so the grass was dry. The air was a bit chilly, though. Seeing how Bella started to remove her jacket, I put my hand on her arm to stop her. She gave me a slightly confused look as I quickly shrugged out of my own jacket and placed it on the ground for her to sit on. "Keep yours on," I told her in explanation.

I wasn't overly surprised when she immediately started to object. "But what about you? You'll get cold."

"No, I won't." She didn't look convinced, and I rolled my eyes when she stubbornly remained standing. "Just sit down, Bella."

"Fine." Letting out an exaggerated sigh, Bella carefully sat down, making sure to take up as little space on the jacket as possible. Then she looked up at me, patting the part she wasn't sitting on with an expectant look on her face. When I hesitated, it was her turn to roll her eyes dramatically before calmly repeating my words, "Just sit down, Edward." I raised a brow, but found myself obeying.

For a minute or so, we just sat there in silence, and I could feel the warmth of Bella's body against mine. Finally I spoke up, quietly, "You wanna talk about what happened at the coffee house?"

"Okay." Bella glanced at me. "But it's kind of embarrassing." I waited for her to go on. She sighed. "Look, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I did."

My eyes shot to hers and I gave her a skeptical look. "You're kidding, right?" She just looked at me. I ran my fingers through my hair. "Bella, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable. _She_ did. I just..." Not sure how to explain, I let out a frustrated sigh. I wanted to make Bella understand, but I had a hard time trying to put my mixed emotions into words.

"But..." Bella swallowed, suddenly not wanting to meet my eyes. "Are you saying you didn't mind when I called you..." she took a deep breath and rushed the word out, "...honey?"

Mind? I shook my head, incredulously. "You can call me whatever you want," I managed to get out in a somewhat shaky voice.

She was quiet for a moment. When she spoke up again, her voice was barely more than a whisper, "What if I wanted to call you... my boyfriend?"

I froze dead in my tracks. When I finally dared to look at her, she had her head downcast and her eyes locked on the ground, clearly taking my silence as rejection. What she didn't seem to understand was that her question had left me completely speechless.

"Bella..." I reached out a tentative hand towards her, only to pull back before making contact. I wanted to touch her, and I wanted to run. I wanted to explain to her why I was acting the way I was, that my hesitation had nothing to do with her. She was not the problem here - I was. I was the one who wasn't good enough, who wouldn't be able to live up to her expectations.

"Edward, please..." Bella raised her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I don't understand. You said you liked me. What are you so afraid of?"

I lifted my hand again, and this time, I didn't pull away. Instead I ran my trembling fingers gently down her cheek. "I don't wanna hurt you," I whispered, hoarsely.

She closed her eyes for a brief moment, leaning into my touch. Then my words seemed to register, and she blinked in confusion. "What? You wouldn't."

"You don't know that." I swallowed hard. "Bella, you may think you know me, but you really don't. There are things-"

"Look, if this is about your past..." Bella shook her head. "How many times do we have to go through this? You're not bad. You won't hurt me. I refuse to believe that."

I jumped up in frustration, starting to pace back and forth. "Bella, you don't understand. I do like you, and I can't think of anything I'd want more than for you to be my girlfriend, if that's what you really want. But it wouldn't be fair to you. Don't you get it? I can't be what you need. What you deserve."

"Stop talking like that!" Bella jumped up as well. "You're the one who doesn't get it. What I need is _you_, just the way you are. That's all. Now, if you didn't want me, I could accept that. I'd still be your friend. But that's obviously not the case here. Because you just admitted that you _do_ want me. And if that's true-"

"What I want is not fucking relevant!" A choked sob escaped my throat. "I can't do this. I can't be in a fucking relationship, because..." I clenched my fists, "...because you're gonna want things from me that I can't give you. Maybe not right now, but someday, and I can't... I can't..." I suddenly felt a desperate need to punch something, to break things, but unfortunately, there was nothing around.

"Edward..." Bella was suddenly next to me, the concern evident on her face. She tried to take my hand, but I snatched it away from her, not allowing myself the comfort of her touch. I realized I was confusing the hell out of her, and her next words confirmed it. "I'm sorry, but you're not making any sense right now. Please, just talk to me. What's this all about?"

"I can't... be with you... like that." My voice cracked on the last word, but I went on, pleadingly, "Just let it go, Bella. Don't make me say it."

"Say what?" I could hear the desperation in her voice. When I didn't answer, she continued, somewhat hesitantly, "Edward, it's okay. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. Just-"

"I can't fucking sleep with you!" I blurted out, the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Bella's face fell. She blinked a couple of times, opened her mouth, then closed it again. Her cheeks slowly turned red, and she finally whispered, "I've never asked you to... I mean, we haven't even..." Her voice trailed off.

"I know that!" Humiliation welled up inside me. I realized I had started shaking, badly, and wrapped my arms around my body. "But you will, if we keep... You will, and I can't... I don't..."

"Edward, no." She gently put a finger over my lips to stop my ramblings. "This is crazy. I can't believe we're even having this conversation. Do you actually believe I just wanna be with you so we can...?" She shook her head, clearly upset. "I would never... oh my God." I could see the exact moment realization hit her, as her eyes widened and she let out a soft gasp.

Bella's hand flew up to cover her mouth, and she stared at me with a look of absolute horror on her face. Then she slowly started shaking her head in denial. "No..." she whispered. "Edward, please, tell me he didn't..." She left the rest of the sentence hanging, clearly unable to finish.

I just looked at her, feeling like all the air had suddenly left my body. A million different thoughts had been flying through my head, only moments ago. But all of the sudden, my mind had become completely blank, and all that was left was numbness. If anyone had asked me what I was thinking just then, I wouldn't be able to answer.

She hesitantly reached out towards me, but I quickly took a step back, lowering my eyes in shame. Now she knew; my silence must have confirmed her suspicions, and I couldn't bring myself to face her any longer. Unfortunately, I didn't look away fast enough to miss the tears welling up in her eyes as her face crumbled.

As if the sight of Bella's tears had triggered something inside me, causing me to snap out of the stupor, my entire body started screaming at me to run, to get as far away from here as possible and never look back. But I couldn't run. I found that I couldn't even move an inch.

Instead I dropped to my knees, right there on the ground, my fingers involuntarily grabbing at my hair by the roots, tugging forcefully, and my brain didn't even register any pain. I squeezed my eyes shut and started rocking back and forth, only to jump a mile when I felt Bella's soft hands gently gripping my wrists.

I made a weak attempt of pulling away, but she wouldn't let go, and I couldn't find the strength to fight, verbally nor physically. She carefully made me loosen the grip on my hair, taking both my clenched fists in her hands and running her thumbs tenderly over my knuckles.

Still refusing to open my eyes, I became aware of the disturbing sound of someone gasping repeatedly, desperately, for air. After a while, I realized it was me, struggling to pull some oxygen into my burning lungs. I could hear Bella mumbling in the background, although it took a moment before I was finally able to make out what she was saying.

"It's all right, Edward, look at me. I'm right here, everything's gonna be okay..." Bella was babbling now, almost frantically, and her words made me let out a bitter laugh, because it was just so fucking ridiculous - nothing was ever going to be okay.

I tried telling her so, but barely managed to choke out her name before a huge lump in my throat caused my voice to fail me, and all that came out was a pathetic whimper.

"It's okay, it's okay..." she kept chanting like a mantra, her voice cracking, and I didn't have to look at her to know that she was crying - again - all these fucking tears because of me, and I just wanted to tell her to stop, that she shouldn't cry for me, because I didn't fucking deserve it.

She shouldn't feel sorry for me, like I was some fucking victim, because I refused to see myself that way. Carlisle and Esme, all the fucking therapists - whose names I couldn't even bother to remember - they all kept talking about abuse, but to me, that was just another word, just an excuse. The truth was, I was tainted, unclean. I had known all along, and now Bella knew as well.

So why was she still here?

My eyes snapped open, stinging with the tears I refused to let fall, and I gave her an incredulous look. "You should be fucking disgusted," I croaked, only half aware of the way her hands were still clutching mine, tightly. "Don't fucking pity me, Bella. I don't want..." I inhaled shakily, willing away the sobs threatening to overtake me.

Bella dropped my hands, almost abruptly, and while I knew I shouldn't really be surprised, I couldn't help but feel a pang in my chest at the sudden loss of contact. I quickly turned my head away, not wanting her to see the hurt look on my face. The last thing I wanted was for Bella to touch me out of guilt.

I kept my eyes locked on the grass, waiting for Bella to get up and leave. But it didn't happen. Instead she just scooted closer to me. When I looked up in surprise, our eyes met. To my astonishment, I could see neither pity, nor repulsion there. Only deep, genuine sorrow.

She bit her lip as she moved, slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. And then, almost like in slow motion, she put her arms around me.


	35. Chapter 35

BPOV

One single word kept ringing in my head, over and over again. _No!_ It couldn't be true. I didn't _want_ it to be true. But deep down, I knew it was. And I just wanted to scream. It all made perfect sense to me now; Edward's trust issues, his mood swings, and most importantly - his fear of physical contact. His step father had done more than just hitting him.

It was so much worse than I had ever imagined. For a moment, I felt like I was actually going to be sick.

_No... Oh God, please, not that!_

But I couldn't deny the truth when it was practically thrown in my face, no matter how badly I wished it was all just a huge misunderstanding. It wasn't, and I needed to stay strong, now more than ever. But how could I, when the horrible realization made me feel like I was being torn apart from the inside?

Tears were streaming down my face, and I could hear the sound of my broken voice as I kept repeating the same words over and over, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..." But it wasn't, and we both knew it.

Then Edward finally looked at me, and I knew the raw pain I could see in his beautiful green eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life. "You should be fucking disgusted," he choked out, furiously trying to blink away the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. "Don't fucking pity me, Bella. I don't want..." He had to stop, his breathing coming out in ragged gasps, and I failed to hold back a sob.

Because I finally understood. Edward was deeply ashamed of what he had been unable to prevent from happening - when he had been just a defenseless child - and he actually thought it would change the way I felt about him. As if it could possibly make me think any less of him.

My heart broke all over again, and I just wanted to tell him that he had nothing to worry about, but the words wouldn't come out, so I had to come up with another way to assure him that I would never turn my back on him over something like that. A part of me was reluctant to let go of his hands, because I couldn't help but fear he would take the first opportunity to bolt.

But I had to let go, since it was the only way I would be able to wrap my arms around him. Although I tried moving as slowly as I possibly could, terrified of frightening him and add to his obvious agitation, I still knew I was taking a huge risk making such a bold move. However, I couldn't just sit there any longer and _not_ make any attempt of calming him.

I wasn't really surprised when I felt Edward go absolutely rigid in my arms; it was like hugging a human shaped statue. He just sat there completely frozen, and I started to wonder if I had just made a huge mistake. I didn't pull back, though, praying that once he had gotten over the initial shock, he would find some comfort in my embrace.

The seconds ticked by, and I became more and more anxious about Edward's lack of response, but I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and voice my concerns. At least he had yet to push me away. Suddenly he started trembling, and I automatically raised my hand, running my fingers soothingly through his hair.

That was when I realized I was shaking as well, and swallowed hard. After a moment's hesitation, I started rubbing his back, moving my hand slowly up and down, and I could feel his stiff muscles underneath the fabric of his t-shirt. The fact that he was still so tense bothered me more than I liked to admit, but I couldn't exactly blame him, knowing how freaked out he had to be by the whole thing.

"Edward..." His name rolled over my lips, so softly I doubted he had even heard it. If he had, he made no sign of acknowledgment, and I did no attempt of speaking again.

And then, after what seemed like an eternity, I could finally feel his tremors ease, ever so slightly. When I just kept stroking his back, the other hand still entwined in his hair, Edward let out a shuddering breath - the first real sound he had made since I had embraced him - and collapsed against me, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

My throat suddenly felt so tight, I didn't think I would have been able to speak, even if I wanted to. Thankfully, right then, words seemed to be unnecessary. I finally dared to tighten my grip around his still shivering body, no longer worried about further alarming him, and tried to gather him even closer to me, all the while struggling to keep my own emotions under control.

We sat like that for a long time before I finally managed to find my voice and utter the only words that would mean anything in that moment. "I won't let go," I breathed into his ear, repeating my words from a few weeks ago; the first time I had been able to coax him into taking my hand.

I hadn't expected any reaction from Edward, so I was completely stunned when he actually _did_ speak up - just one single word - his voice hoarse and sounding muffled against my neck. "Promise?" It was the exact same response he had given me back then, and it took just about every ounce of self control I had not to start weeping with relief.

"Uh-huh." I wanted to say more, but knew my voice wouldn't hold. So I just held on to him, the lump in my throat only growing when I felt the wetness of his warm tears against my skin. In that moment, I found the courage to believe that - in time - maybe things would be okay after all.

But I wouldn't fool myself - we still had a long way to go before we would get there. As we sat in silence, I found myself wondering how to move on from here. Edward and I would have to talk eventually, but a part of me was afraid of thinking about it too much. Right now, I could focus on just being there for him. Luckily, that seemed to be all he needed for the moment.

Because I didn't think I was ready to deal with the rest of it. It was just too much, and while I was finally able to grasp the concept of what Edward had been through, I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on the details. The last thing he needed now was for me to fall apart on him - I had to stay strong for both of us.

Edward had now gone completely limp in my arms, and if it hadn't been for his somewhat uneven breathing and occasional quiet sniffling, I would've thought he had drifted off to sleep. I had lost all track of time since we arrived at the meadow; for all I knew, we could have been there for hours.

Then again, my cellphone had been quiet in my pocket so far, so at least Charlie hadn't started worrying about me yet. I let out the breath I had been holding, reluctantly deciding it was time to jump into action. "Edward?" I whispered, softly.

He tensed up briefly, but remained silent. I pulled back ever so slightly, just so I could see his face, and sighed when he stubbornly looked away. Hesitating a little, I then cupped his cheek, forcing him to raise his head and meet my eyes. "I'm so sorry," I murmured, gently brushing away his tears with my thumb.

His eyes darkened and he opened his mouth, but I went on before he could object, "I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I have to say it, because I am. I'm so sorry, Edward, for everything you've been through. I'm sorry he hurt you like that, and I'm sorry it took so long before anyone was able to stop him." I swallowed. "And most of all, I'm sorry he made you think you deserved it."

"Bella, don't..." Edward closed his eyes for a moment. "I can't do this right now," he mumbled in a defeated voice. "You wouldn't understand. Fuck, I can't even think straight."

"It's okay." I traced my thumb gently down his cheekbone. "We don't have to talk about it now. Just remember that I'm here for you. Whenever you're ready, just let me know." I paused. "Then you can make me understand."

He let out a bitter laugh. "Don't know if that's even possible."

I bit my lip. "Will you at least try? I promise to listen."

Watching me closely - as if to decide whether or not I was serious - Edward then nodded, although somewhat hesitantly. "Yeah, I'll try." A beat. "Thank you." Seeing how I frowned, he clarified, "For, you know, being here."

"Thank you for letting me." I looked him right in the eyes. He merely nodded in response, and I could tell he still felt a bit awkward. It made me decide to change the subject for now. Something just occurred to me, and I blushed. "You know, if you're not completely opposed to the idea, I'd still like to call you..." I inhaled, "...my boyfriend."

I had hoped my statement would get his mind off some of the darker stuff, and to my relief, it seemed to be working. Edward's eyes shot to mine, and he gave me a skeptical look, although I didn't miss the faint hint of hope that flashed across his face. I shrugged, somewhat embarrassed. "I kind of like the idea of everyone knowing I'm not... available, to anyone else."

His Adam's apple bobbed slightly, and I watched as he reached out a trembling hand, running it tenderly down my cheek. "Bella, I can't be-"

"Shh," I interrupted, placing my own hand over his. "Just be you. That's all I want. I'd never ask you to do something you're not ready for. I just wanna be with you." I silently prayed he would believe me, because I meant it, with all my heart. In that moment, nothing seemed more important than for Edward to realize just how serious I was. "I mean it," I whispered.

He watched me in silence for the longest time, and then finally nodded, slowly. "Okay."

I almost started jumping up and down in pure joy, but somehow managed to control myself, and settled for giving him a soft smile, which he tentatively returned. Then he let out a shaky sigh, and rested his forehead against mine. I slipped my arms back around him without even thinking, and for a brief moment, everything was right in the world.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for reality to come crashing back down. The content smile died on my lips as my mind started wandering. Where would Edward and I go from here? Now when he had finally decided to let his guard down and let me in completely, would I be able to help him - not only to move on, but to face what actually happened to him, and deal with it?

Because it didn't take a genius to figure out that he hadn't been dealing very well so far.

A thought hit me, and I reluctantly pulled away a little, glancing at Edward. "Look, I was just wondering. Who else know about..." I hesitated, not sure how to express myself, "...about all of this?"

Edward's expression changed, and he suddenly looked glum. I silently berated myself for putting that haunted look back on his face, but it wasn't like I could take my words back. And in all honesty; I didn't want to. I needed to know.

He was quiet for so long, I started to think he wouldn't answer. Then he let out a sigh. "Carlisle and Esme know."

I nodded in understanding, having already figured as much. "Alice knows too, right? And Emmett? I mean, you guys live in the same house, they couldn't possibly..." My voice trailed off as Edward averted his eyes.

Absently picking up a small rock from the ground, he shook his head. "Just Carlisle and Esme." A pause. "And now you."

"But..." I couldn't hide my confusion, and it took a moment for my mind to process this new information. "How can they not know? Aren't they wondering why-"

Edward's face hardened as he cut me off, a slight edge to his voice, "I don't want them to know, all right? Will you just fucking drop it?" He must have seen my hurt expression, because he immediately squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look Bella, I'm sorry for snapping like that. But I told you, I'm not ready to talk about it. And you said-"

It was my turn to interrupt, and I lowered my eyes in shame. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I just..." I shrugged helplessly, not knowing what else to say. Edward was right, of course. I realized I had to work on my patience, but that was easier said than done. There was just so much I wanted to ask him, and at the same time, I was afraid of the answers. It was all very unsettling.

I found myself wondering how much my father knew about all of this. But then I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, deciding it didn't matter at the moment. For Edward's sake, I would have to try and let the whole thing go for now, because that was obviously what he wanted.

But to be perfectly honest, I seriously doubted I could do it. And I would most certainly not be getting much sleep tonight.

EPOV

I knew I shouldn't lash out at Bella, but I just couldn't help myself. The cat was out of the fucking bag, and my emotions were all over the place. A part of me hadn't completely taken in the fact that Bella was still here; that she hadn't run away screaming when she had finally learned the truth. But it slowly started to dawn on me.

She really wasn't going anywhere.

I hadn't been lying when I told her I couldn't think straight - I still kind of felt like my head was spinning. Everything had happened so fast. One moment, Bella and I were having some quasi discussion about what she wanted to call me, and in the next, my darkest secret was suddenly out in the open.

And she was still here.

She didn't judge me, nor did she find me repulsive. I knew I probably should have felt some kind of relief, but the truth was, I was too shocked to feel anything at all. When Bella had first wrapped her arms around me, I just froze; it was like a part of me had stopped functioning, and I was unable to process what was happening.

But as the minutes passed, I slowly started to relax. And then she spoke - her face being so close to mine that I could feel her breathing against my cheek - four little words that changed everything and finally snapped me out of the daze. _I won't let go._ She had told me those exact words once before, and I was finally starting to understand that she meant it.

Up until now, I hadn't really dared to believe her. But as realization hit me, I could feel the tension literally leave my body, and was - to my great horror - no longer able to keep the fucking tears away. However, Bella didn't seem to think any less of me for my sudden weakness. If anything, my pathetic emotional breakdown only made her hold me tighter, as I struggled to get my emotions under control.

Of course, when she told me she still wanted me to be her boyfriend, I nearly fucking wept all over again. It was safe to say that I was a fucking wreck.

And then I had to hurt Bella's feelings by acting like a jerk. Closing my eyes in frustration, I quickly mumbled an apology, which she thankfully accepted. In fact, she apologized as well, although instead of making me feel better, her remorseful words had the opposite effect - I felt like a dick.

I forced back a sigh. "Do you want me to take you home?"

"No," Bella responded immediately, which actually made me perk up a little. Then she threw a look at her watch, and grimaced. "But I guess it's starting to get a little late. I promised Charlie I'd be back for dinner. He said he was going to cook tonight, so I should probably be there to supervise." She rolled her eyes, and I wasn't sure whether or not she was joking.

There was something I had been thinking about for quite some time, though. "How come you're always calling your dad 'Charlie'?"

Bella frowned. "Um, because that's his name?" It was my turn to roll my eyes, and she gave me a sheepish little smile. "I don't know, I always have. Not to his face, though." Her smile faded. "My mom on the other hand actually preferred it when I called her 'Renee' instead of 'Mom'. Phil used to tease her and say she only liked it because it made her feel younger."

She suddenly looked so sad that I felt a pang in my chest. Without thinking, I reached out to take her hand in mine, squeezing it gently. "My real mother's name is Elizabeth," I offered, quietly.

Bella's eyes widened at my revelation, and I suppose I couldn't really blame her for being shocked, seeing how I had never voluntarily shared any personal information like that before. When I didn't say anything more, she tilted her head to the side, hesitating a little before asking, softly, "Will you tell me about her some day?"

I automatically opened my mouth to say no - as I had always done so far whenever Bella would bring up my birth mother - but then stopped myself. Instead I just shrugged. "Some day," I mumbled in somewhat reluctant agreement. Of course, it wasn't a conversation I was planning for us to have any time soon.

Bella was still mourning the loss of her mom. So how could I possibly tell her that I wished my mother was dead as well?


	36. Chapter 36

A/N: Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews! Don't think for a second that I don't appreciate every single word you guys write, just because I'm terrible at responding. Then again, I figure you'd rather have another chapter soon than a review reply.

EPOV

Esme was standing in front of the stove when I entered the kitchen, and I glanced at my watch, surprised when I realized how late it was. "Hi, Edward. Dinner will be ready in..." she turned to look at me over her shoulder, and her face fell. "What's wrong?" she asked immediately, an alarmed note in her voice, and I forced back a sigh.

"Nothing." I avoided her eyes and walked past her, heading for the fridge in search for something cold to drink. Hell, it didn't even have to be cold, as long as it was drinkable. For some reason, my throat felt as dry as if had I been spending the last couple of days wandering around the desert, and I had a feeling I was starting to experience the aftermath of my earlier breakdown.

"Don't ruin your appetite before dinner," Esme warned softly, although she still had a somewhat worried look on her face. I could feel her eyes on me, even as I was standing with my back towards her, and suppressed the urge to roll my eyes.

"Just having a drink," I assured her sullenly as I grabbed a carton of milk, pleased to notice it was almost full. Tilting my head back, I quickly gulped down half of the contents at once. Then I put the carton back on the shelf with a contented sigh, and closed the door to the fridge.

If I had expected Esme to drop the subject and turn her attention back to whatever it was she had cooking on the stove, I was mistaken. "Now will you please tell me what happened? Are you okay?"

I held back a groan, as I was really not in a mood for this. The truth was, I was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to just skip dinner and head straight for bed. But I decided against it, knowing it would only add to her concern. Esme had always been able to see right through me.

"I'm fine. Just been a long fucking day." A part of me just wanted to tell her to back the hell off, but the emotional events of the day had left me feeling completely drained of energy, and I was too tired to argue. With any luck, she would take the hint and let it go. After all - she wasn't Alice.

Then again, Esme could be almost as persistent if she wanted to, and now, she clearly decided to try a different tactic. "Weren't you out with Bella?" I nodded, somewhat reluctantly. "How is she?"

"She's..." I stopped as an image of Bella's shocked, tearful face flashed before my eyes. She had been quiet on the way back, although she had given me a soft smile and squeezed my hand when I dropped her off at her house, less than an hour ago. And she had hinted that she would like for us to spend some more time together this weekend. I had no problem with that.

But I couldn't help but worry about what might be going on inside her head now, when she'd had some time to process the pieces of information I had given her. While I knew Bella had it all mostly figured out by now, I had been deliberately vague about the details, or to be more accurate - I hadn't really given her any details at all.

In a way, it was almost a relief that Bella knew. Because it was absolutely exhausting to be in constant fear of what her reaction would be when, or if, she would ever happen to find out. Now I didn't have to worry about that anymore. In fact, she had taken the whole thing way better than I had ever dared to hope she would.

Of course, that didn't make the shame go away.

"Edward?" Esme's worried voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I blinked in confusion, having almost forgotten she was still in the room.

When my eyes turned to her in question, she gave me a remorseful look. "I don't mean to pry. I can tell you don't really want to talk to me. But you have to understand; I'm only asking because I care about you. I want to know what's going on in your life. If something's troubling you..." she left the rest of the sentence hanging, a pained expression on her face.

I felt really bad. Deep down, I realized she just meant well. And yet, my instinct kept telling me to push her away. I knew Esme cared about me, and it made me feel guilty for wishing she didn't. Closing my eyes for a moment, I then let out a sigh. "I talked to Bella, all right? About..." I grimaced, looking down at my feet, "...my past."

Somehow, saying it out loud like that made it feel so much more real. I shivered.

Esme's sharp intake of air made me look up, and my eyes widened when I noticed she seemed to be on the verge of tears. After a brief moment's hesitation, she turned off the stove and removed the large saucepan, putting it carefully down on the sink. "Oh, I see. How much did you tell her?" Her voice was trembling, slightly.

I struggled against the panic threatening to well up inside me. In that moment, I really wished I hadn't brought it up. Because Esme was obviously getting emotional already, and I didn't think I could handle any more fucking drama today. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep for a week.

Folding my arms protectively across my chest, I shrugged and looked away. "Not much, really. But she..." I swallowed, "...she kind of figured the rest out by herself. I mean, it wasn't like I had fucking _planned_ to tell her, I just..." I shrugged again, not knowing how to go on.

"Oh, Edward..." Esme instinctively reached out a hand towards me, then seemed to remember herself and quickly pulled it back. She took a deep breath. "How... how did she take it?" I could tell by her hesitation that she was afraid of asking. Or maybe she was more afraid of the answer.

"She..." I felt how my heart started beating faster, and the kitchen suddenly felt as hot as a fucking sauna, making it hard for me to breathe. Struggling to pull some air into my lungs, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to focus on my breathing. "She doesn't hate me," I managed to get out as I opened my eyes again, feeling like the whole room was spinning.

"Hate you?" Esme gasped, staring at me in shock. "Of course Bella doesn't hate you, why on earth would you think...?" She stopped herself, hesitating a little before she went on, somewhat nervously, "Edward, sweetie, you need to calm down, or you're going to pass out. Just breathe."

"I _am_ fucking breathing!" I hissed, glaring at her. I'd had plenty of panic attacks before, and this one wasn't so bad. On a scale from one to ten, it might be a six or a seven. But Esme had never been able to handle my humiliating episodes as well as Carlisle; although she would always do her best to remain calm and supportive, I could tell it was freaking her out every time.

It made me feel both annoyed and guilty at the same time.

"All right, that's good. You're doing fine." She paused. "I'll get you some water. Will you please sit down?" I obeyed without a word, slowly walking over to the table, and slumped down on the chair as Esme hurried over to the sink. She cast a worried look at me over her shoulder. "Are you feeling better?" I just nodded, not missing the relief on her face. A moment later, she put a large glass of water down in front of me.

Mumbling a 'thanks', I picked up the glass and drank some of the water, more for her sake than for my own. She watched me silently for a moment, then - obviously deciding that I wouldn't fall apart completely - sat down across the table. When I showed no sign of picking up our conversation where we left off, she finally spoke up, quietly, "Can you try to explain to me what you meant before? About Bella?"

I sighed. "It doesn't matter. You wouldn't understand."

Esme opened her mouth, and then closed it again. For a couple of seconds, she just looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. "Maybe I would, if you'd just give me a chance," she finally said in a low voice, firmly holding my gaze.

Giving her a skeptical look, I then lowered my eyes. "Don't feel like talking anymore," I muttered, petulantly.

"Okay. Fine." I could hear frustration in her voice, although she clearly tried to hide it. "Just tell me something, Edward. Do you even _want_ me to understand what you're going through? Did it ever occur to you that people are trying to help you?"

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm beyond fucking help?" I threw back, sarcastically. My head was starting to hurt, and it was all just becoming too much. I wanted nothing more than to just get up and leave, but at the same time, I felt like I didn't have enough energy left to move.

"That's just ridiculous," Esme stated, then shook her head, sadly. "Edward, I think it's wonderful that you feel comfortable talking to Bella. She's a lovely girl, and it's obvious that she cares about you, deeply. Don't you see? She would never hate you. If anything, I bet she only respects you more now when you've opened up to her."

I swallowed. "But she _should_ hate me. I don't know why she keeps putting up with me. I'm not..." I closed my eyes, feeling the tears burning behind my eyelids. Inhaling shakily, I went on, "You're right - Bella does care about me. She's been nothing but nice to me, and I keep screwing up. And now she knows I'm... that I was... and she just... she's not..." A tear trickled down my cheek, and I furiously wiped it away.

"She's not... what, sweetie?" Esme asked in a soft voice.

"She's not leaving!" I choked out, forcing back a sob. Apparently, I was still an emotional wreck, and I hated it. I couldn't do anything about it, though. "She's not leaving," I repeated, struggling to keep my voice from cracking, "and I don't understand why."

Esme was quiet for a moment. "If I tell you what I think, will you listen?" I nodded and took a deep breath, trying to get my emotions under control. "Well, from what I've seen so far, Bella is a kind, sweet and compassionate young girl. But she's also strong and stubborn, and I don't mean that in a bad way. She knows what she wants, and she's obviously very mature for her age."

I just looked at her and waited for her to go on, not sure where she was going with all of this. When she spoke up again, I got the feeling she was choosing her words very carefully, "It's a funny thing about people. Sometimes when you meet a person, you hit it off right away. It's all about chemistry. The feeling isn't always mutual, but sometimes, everything just clicks."

She paused, allowing her words to sink in. "It's not always an instant attraction, though. And don't get me wrong - when I say 'attraction', I don't necessarily mean it as between lovers. The same goes for friends. The point is, you see something in this person, something special. And then, you just know."

I frowned. "Know what?"

Esme smiled. "That you will be good for each other."

BPOV

Charlie was seated in the living room couch when I got home, watching TV with a beer in his hand. Although when he spotted me, he quickly put the bottle down with a somewhat guilty look on his face. "Hey, Bells. I was just about to start making dinner." A beat. "Um, I'm not sure what we have, though. What would you like?"

I rolled my eyes. So much for Charlie volunteering to cook for once. "That's okay, Dad. I'm not really hungry, anyway. Whatever you want is fine by me."

"Oh." He thought about it for a moment. "Maybe I'll just order pizza, then."

Managing a small smile, I nodded in agreement. "You do that. I'll just head upstairs." I turned to leave.

"Wait a minute." I stopped with a sigh, looking at him over my shoulder. "How was your..." He cleared his throat, apparently not comfortable uttering the word 'date', and started over, "Did you and Edward have a good time?"

I hesitantly bit my lip. As always, I'd enjoyed every second spent with Edward, but I didn't think 'good' was the right way to describe it this time. Although I had done my best to push it all to the back of my mind on the way back from the meadow, my head was reeling with the horrible revelation of what Edward had been through. And I feared I wouldn't be able to keep it together much longer.

"Sure, Dad," I mumbled, avoiding his eyes. "It was great. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to lay down for a while. I'm kinda tired."

He frowned, but - much to my relief - didn't object. "All right. I'll let you know when the pizza gets here." I just nodded, knowing I would not be eating anything tonight. As I headed for the stairs, Charlie called me back for the second time, "Oh, Bella, before I forget. Phil called while you were away. I told him you'd get back to him."

I closed my eyes for a moment, holding back a groan. This was just about the last thing I needed at the moment. Because I knew what was coming. "I'll give him a call tomorrow," I sighed, giving Charlie a look to indicate it was the end of the discussion. There was just no way I would deal with Phil tonight, on top of everything else.

Charlie nodded in acceptance. "Okay." Then he turned his attention back to the TV, and I was finally able to retreat to the merciful quiet of my room.

However, once upstairs, it didn't take long for me to find the silence I had desired so much to be more of a curse than a blessing. Because I was no longer able to keep the disturbing thoughts away. I kept seeing Edward's haunted face, the raw pain in his eyes.

_"You should be fucking disgusted."_

I swallowed hard as the sound of his tortured voice filled my head, the words causing my heart to ache and my eyes to well up. At the time, my priority had been to comfort him, to just let him know I was there for him and wanted to ease his pain. But now when I was all alone, the horrifying truth was finally sinking in.

And it was killing me.

Hit by a sudden wave of simultaneous exhaustion and anguish, I slid down on the floor, wrapping my arms tightly around myself and burying my face in my knees. Then I finally allowed the tears to fall. I cried for Edward, for the horrors he had been forced to endure, the pain he had suffered, both physically and mentally. And I cried for the injustice of it all.

Edward had been sexually abused, and that by a man who should have been a substitute for his father. A man who should have cared for him, supported him, and treated him like a son. A man who instead had taken advantage of a vulnerable, impressionable child, and hurt him in the worst possible way.

Nausea welled up inside me, and I was just barely able to reach for the waste basket - luckily standing only a few feet away - before outright emptying the contents of my stomach. Gasping and sobbing, I used my sleeve to wipe my mouth, too far gone in my misery to be grossed out.

What struck me as most upsetting was the fact that Edward obviously blamed himself for the whole thing. I didn't know whether or not that was common in similar situations, as I was not the least bit familiar with the tragic subject of child abuse in any form, but then again, I figured it didn't matter. Because it was just plain wrong.

I wanted to rant and scream and curse at the cruel, sadistic bastard who had hurt my Edward so badly. _James._ That was his name. For some reason, just hearing the name in my head made me see red. As I recalled Edward telling me James had been shot by the police and was now in a coma, I wished I had a way of finding out exactly where he was.

Because in that moment, I would have happily pulled the plug, without hesitation.

My blind hatred for this man almost frightened me, as I had never before loathed another human being so much, especially not someone I had never met. I didn't even know what he looked like, and yet, I wanted him dead. A part of me realized it was probably not healthy to let myself become so consumed by rage, and that I should instead focus on helping Edward.

But I just couldn't help myself. And besides, right now, it was a lot easier to deal with my anger, than with the grief and despair lingering just beneath the surface, threatening to overcome me. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I shook my head to clear my frenzied thoughts, and pushed the waste basket away with a grimace.

Slowly pulling myself up from the floor, I cringed at the sour taste in my mouth, but was too emotionally worn out to leave my room and head for the bathroom so I could rinse my mouth with water. Instead I all but crawled over to the bed, where I curled up in a fetal position and pulled a blanket over my shivering body. Then I closed my eyes, wishing I would - by some miracle - fall asleep.


	37. Chapter 37

BPOV

I woke up the next morning feeling even more tired than before I went to bed. No real surprise there, seeing how I hadn't gotten much sleep during the night. No nightmares, at least not that I could remember, but I had been tossing and turning most of the night, unable to relax and find a comfortable position. And my mind had kept wandering.

Edward had been in my thoughts constantly since he dropped me off outside my house yesterday. I kept wondering what he was doing, if he was okay, and I had nearly called him about a dozen times, just to check on him. But in the end, I had decided against it, as I figured he could probably need some time and space.

And to be perfectly honest, I needed some time as well, to process everything. So instead of calling, I had settled for sending him a text message, just telling him I hoped he was all right and that I'd see him soon. I had also added that he could call me anytime he wanted to - which he already knew, but I felt it was worth repeating. And then I had waited for his response.

It never came.

I had kept my phone in the bed - next to my pillow - just so I wouldn't miss Edward's reply. But the damn thing had remained silent throughout the night. Needless to say, I was in a miserable mood. Why wouldn't he respond? Didn't he realize I was worried about him?

It was still early - merely seven-thirty in the morning, and it was Sunday - but I couldn't bring myself to stay in bed another minute. So I dragged myself up and out of my room, and headed for the bathroom, hoping a long, hot shower would make me feel better. I almost called Edward then, but figured he was probably sleeping. And either way, he obviously didn't want to talk to me.

Yes, I realized I was being irrational. Edward had probably just turned off his phone last night. He must have been every bit as worn out and exhausted as I was, if not more. Things had been intense, to say the very least. I just hoped that was the case, and that he wasn't avoiding me because he was ashamed or anything.

The thought of Edward pushing me away again was almost too painful to bear.

While the shower was nice, it didn't do much to improve my mood. And things just seemed to go downhill from there. On my way out of the bathroom, I managed to stumble on the threshold and stub my toe. After limping back into my room, I started to get dressed, only to find that my favorite pair of jeans had gotten a hole in them.

I angrily tossed them away and stomped over to the dresser in search for something else to wear. Ten minutes later, I entered the kitchen, and almost walked right into Charlie, who was busy packing his fishing bag. He looked up, frowning when he saw my grim expression. "Morning, Bells. Woke up on the wrong side today?"

"Just tired," I muttered, failing to stifle a yawn. "Didn't sleep very well." Seeing the concerned look on his face, I quickly changed the subject, "Going fishing, huh?"

He nodded. "I'll probably be away most of the day. Will you be okay by yourself?"

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, what was I - twelve? "Of course."

"Good." He sounded relieved, and I couldn't help but wonder what he had expected me to do. Throw myself on the floor and beg him to stay? Realizing I sounded bitter, even in my head, I took a deep breath and silently counted to five. Then I put on a strained smile. Charlie closed the bag and put on his fishing hat, looking so silly I had to smile for real. "Well, I'm leaving. Oh, and don't forget to call Phil."

My smile disappeared.

Five minutes after Charlie had left, I was still standing on the same spot, in the same position, considering my options. Unfortunately, I came up blank. I realized I should just make the call and get it over with. A part of me felt a bit bad, knowing Phil had to be looking forward to hearing from me. After all, I had barely talked to him since I moved here, aside from an occasional email.

We had been pretty close once, and I knew he was probably missing me a lot. In a way, I missed him as well. And yet, I dreaded making this phone call.

After debating with myself for another couple of minutes, I finally told myself to stop being such a baby, and picked up the phone. I nearly laughed when I noticed how my fingers were trembling, but somehow managed to dial the number. The signals went through, and I found myself hoping he wouldn't be home.

Of course, I wasn't that lucky.

"Hello?"

I immediately recognized Phil's voice, and struggled to sound cheerful. "Hi, Phil. It's Bella."

"Bella!" He sounded genuinely happy to hear it was me, and I instantly felt guilty for not calling him more often. After all, he was all alone now. "It's so good to hear from you. How are you?"

"I'm okay." Hesitating a little, I then asked, "How are you?" My voice sounded polite, _too_ polite, and I cringed, hoping he wouldn't notice. There was a time when I had been able to talk to Phil about almost everything, and now, it just felt awkward and forced.

He was quiet for a moment. "Honestly, the last couple of months have been tough, but I don't have to tell you that."

_No, you really don't,_ I thought, closing my eyes for a moment. An image of my mom's smiling face flashed through my mind, and I snapped my eyes open again, biting my tongue to keep from letting out a sob. God, how I missed her. This was the reason why I avoided talking to Phil these days. He reminded me too much of when my mother had still been alive.

I could hear him clear his throat. "So, how's school up in Forks? Kids treating you well?"

"Sure." I was relieved - it seemed to be a safe enough subject. "I've made some really great friends."

"That's good. I'm glad." A pause. "Listen, Bella, how would you feel about coming home to Phoenix next weekend? It's been so long, I was hoping we could spend some time together."

I suppressed a sigh, knowing this would come up. "My home is in Forks now, Phil," I told him quietly, avoiding his question.

"Oh. Of course. I didn't mean it like..." He hesitated. "Bella, I'm just asking you to come for a visit. I miss you, kiddo."

"Well..." I bit my lip. "I'm sorry, but I've already made plans for the next weekend." Before he could object, I went on, "Actually, I have a lot going on right now. It's not really a good time." I paused. "Maybe I could come down a couple of days when school's out for the summer. The we can-"

Phil cut me off, "Bella, I'm selling the house. I'll be moving out by the end of next month. So if you want to-"

"What?!" It was my turn to interrupt. "What are you talking about, Phil? You can't sell Mom's house!"

"Bella..." He suddenly sounded very tired. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you chose to leave. Now, I understand why, and I don't blame you. But I'm asking you to put yourself in my situation. It's hard, living alone with all the memories. There's just nothing left for me here. I need to move on, just like you."

"But..." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The house in Phoenix was where I grew up. I still had some of my stuff there. Not that I wanted to live there anymore, not after what happened, but it felt good to know I could go back some day if I really wanted to. Losing the house would be like losing a part of myself.

Or losing the last connection to my mom. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling a headache coming up. Luckily, I had a spare bottle of painkillers down here. There were times when it made me feel like a pathetic addict, but right now, it was a blessing. "Phil, please don't do this."

"I have to." He was starting to sound annoyed, which surprised me. Phil barely ever raised his voice. He was patience personified - a necessary quality when dealing with Renee. They had been perfect for each other. His words _there's nothing left for me here_ suddenly tore at my heart, because I realized he was right. My mom had been his world. And now he had nothing.

Still, I couldn't accept his decision. I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help myself. "Just give it some time," I all but pleaded. "I mean, you've got friends in Phoenix, right. You're not alone. Just wait a couple of months, and-"

"I've already waited long enough." I could tell by the sound of his voice that his mind was already made up, and it scared me. Phil continued, "I'm sorry, Bella, but it's happening. I'm selling the house. If you want to see it one more time, and get what's left of your belongings, then I suggest you make some room in your schedule pretty soon."

"You asshole!" I exploded, unable to keep the fury from welling up inside me. "I hate you, Phil! How can you do this to me, and to Mom! She loved that house. She..." A sob escaped my throat, and I couldn't go on.

"Bella, I'm not doing this to hurt you. Listen to me..." Phil sounded totally shocked by my outburst, and I couldn't blame him; I had never spoken to him this way before. But it was just becoming too much. I had been in a bad place even before talking to him, and his news had somehow become the last straw.

Phil was still talking, rapidly, on the other end - without doubt trying to calm me down - but I didn't want to hear anymore. So I disconnected the call without a word, and angrily threw the phone away from me. It started ringing almost immediately, but I ignored it, knowing it was Phil calling me back. I'd most likely call him later and apologize, but right now, I desperately needed to get out of the house.

Before I lost it completely.

Five minutes later, I was driving my truck through town, raindrops falling on the windshield. Somehow, the weather seemed to be linked with my mood, and I wanted to cry more than ever. I briefly considered calling Edward, really wanting to hear his voice, but I didn't want to bother him with my petty problems. God knew he had more than enough to deal with already.

I rarely allowed myself to think too much about what happened to my mother. It was just too painful. I preferred to remember the good parts, not dwelling on what her face had looked like when... Shaking my head, I struggled to clear my thoughts. _Not going there._

It suddenly hit me that I had somehow ended up outside the Cullen's large house, despite my intentions to give Edward some space. Hesitating for a couple of minutes, I then turned off the engine and jumped out of the truck, deciding I could always hang out with Alice if she was home. And why wouldn't she be? It was not even nine o'clock yet.

Who was I kidding? It was Edward I wanted to be with right now, not Alice. I took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell.

I didn't have to wait long before the door swung open, and Emmett was standing in the doorway with a frown on his face. When he saw it was me, he gave me a tentative grin. "Morning, Bella. Here to scold me?"

Blinking in confusion, I shook my head. "Why would I...?" Then I stopped as it occurred to me that the few times Emmett and I had actually been having a conversation, I had mostly been giving him a hard time about Edward. I blushed, recalling my accusations about him not caring about his brother. "Look, Emmett, I-"

"Relax, Bella, I'm just messing with you." He chuckled. "Wanna come in?"

"Sure, thanks." He took a step back, allowing me to enter, and I stepped inside. "Um, is Edward or Alice around? I kind of need to talk to someone."

Emmett raised a brow. "You telling me I'm not good enough?"

My eyes widened in horror, and I hurried to stutter an apology. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." My voice trailed off as I noticed his amused expression - apparently, he was still messing with me. I tried to smile, but it felt strained. Holding back a sigh, I realized I was definitely off balance this morning, and decided to do my best to stay cool from now on.

"Bella!" I spun around at the sound of Alice's excited voice, watching as she came bouncing down the stairs with a huge smile on her face.

She rushed over to me and threw her arms around me. Unfortunately, the friendly gesture was all it took for my resolve to crumble. My bottom lip started trembling, although I forced myself to put on a brave smile. "I'm sorry to just show up like this, I didn't mean to impose. I-I can leave if you want."

Alice's smile disappeared, and her face turned concerned. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, really," I mumbled, realizing by the skeptical look on her face that she didn't believe me, and sighed. "I'm just having a really bad day."

"The day's barely started," Alice pointed out, giving me a sympathetic smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't remind me. I just want it to be over, so I can curl up in my bed and sleep for a year."

"Aw, Bella..." Emmett walked up to me and patted my shoulder a few times, leaned in and whispered - not too discreetly, "It's that time of the month, isn't it?"

"Emmett!" Alice shouted, glaring at her brother. "My God, were you raised in a barn? You can't just go around asking girls if they're PMS-ing!" Then she glanced at me. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Bella. You know what always works for me? Yoga! I have this book up in my room..."

I couldn't help it - it was just so ridiculous - I burst out laughing. At least it started out as laughter. But soon, much to my horror, I realized I was crying. And what was even worse - I couldn't seem to stop. Alice and Emmett immediately became silent, staring at me in shock.

"I think she's losing it," Emmett mumbled to Alice.

"Shut up!" Alice hissed, taking a hesitant step towards me. "Bella, Emmett's an ass; don't listen to him. I think Mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby. It would explain a lot."

"Hey!" Emmett protested, clearly not pleased with the insult.

Now I was laughing and sobbing at the same time. Emmett was starting to look very nervous, and I couldn't blame him. In fact, I half expected him to run out of the room, waving his arms in the air and screaming in terror about crazy, hysterical women. The mental picture made me sink to the floor, howling with laughter.

"Okay, this is getting creepy, even for me," I heard Alice mutter somewhere above my head. "Emmett, go get Edward."

I sobered up immediately at the mention of Edward's name. "No, no, no, not Edward! You shouldn't bother him. He doesn't want to talk to me. I texted him last night, and he never... he never..." The floodgates opened again, and new tears spilled down my cheeks. God, I really _was_ losing it. I felt beyond embarrassed.

"Bella, come on." Alice tugged gently at my arm, pulling me to my feet and all but dragging me over to the couch. I sniffled pathetically as I slumped back against the cushions. She sat down next to me. "Talk to me. What's this all about?"

I let out a groan. "God, I feel so stupid. You must think I'm an idiot."

"Of course not." Alice shook her head, firmly. "But Bella, I'm kind of worried right now. What the hell happened?"

Before I got the chance to respond - and I didn't even know where to begin - Edward came rushing down the stairs, Emmett in tow. "Bella?" There was a hint of panic in his voice. "What's wrong?" He came to a halt a few feet away, obviously not sure whether or not to come any closer.

My heart skipped a beat at the sight of Edward. His hair was toussled, like he was coming straight from bed. I even thought I saw pillow marks on his face. Yet he looked absolutely gorgeous, as always. And here I was, with red-rimmed eyes, blotchy cheeks and a snotty nose. I had never felt less attractive in my life. In that moment, I wished the floor would just open up and swallow me.

"Bella?" he repeated, somewhat uncertainly, and I realized he had asked me a question - which I had yet to answer. Too bad my brain wasn't fully functioning at the moment.

"I'm okay," I mumbled, feeling even more humiliated by the minute. _I'm just making a fool of myself. Again._

Alice's eyes narrowed. "Bella, you're not okay. You were crying a moment ago, and I wanna know what's going on. Please, just tell me..." Her voice trailed off as Edward suddenly stepped forward, stopped right in front of me, and held out his hand without a word.

At first, I just looked at him in confusion. He tilted his head to the side, then nodded towards the stairs and raised a brow in a silent question. Finally snapping out of it, I took Edward's hand and allowed him to pull me up from the couch. He led me across the living room and up the stairs, leaving Alice and Emmett to stare after us.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews! I really hope you realize how much I appreciate them, even though I'm bad at responding. **

EPOV

Amazingly enough, for once, I had slept peacefully throughout the night. I could barely remember the last time that happened. Although I probably would have been able to sleep even longer, had it not been for the sudden rapid and loud banging on my door, causing me to wake up with a start.

I jumped up, startled, looking around the room in confusion. My eyes landed on the alarm clock, and I realized it was still early in the morning. The knocking just continued, and I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, stumbled towards the door and flung it open.

My eyes narrowed when I found Emmett on the other side. The fact that he had actually helped me out with Bella the other day was the only reason I didn't slam the door in his face and went straight back to bed. Instead I greeted him with a grumpy, "What the fuck do you want?!"

His mouth opened, then closed again, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was itching to give me some snarky response in return. But he clearly decided against it, and went straight to business, "Bella's here. She seems pretty upset."

My irritation of being woken up instantly vanished. "What? What happened?" Panic started welling up inside me as numerous thoughts flew through my mind. Was Bella hurt? Was she upset because of me? Had she decided it was all too much for her, that I wasn't worth the bother after all, and had come here to end things before it went too far?

Emmett shrugged, oblivious to my sudden agitation. "No idea. You should go easy on her, though." I figured that was his way of nicely telling me not to be an ass to Bella, and it made me angry. As if I would. However, his next words shook me to the core, "She was a blubbering mess when I left. I think even Alice was startled."

Bella was crying? I all but lunged for the door, only to stop as Emmett quickly stepped in front of me, preventing me from leaving the room. Before I got the chance to yell at him to get the hell out of my way, he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Might wanna change into something a bit more appropriate first. Just a suggestion."

My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I realized I was still wearing the T-shirt and boxers I had been sleeping in - and nothing else. "Fuck," I muttered and spun around, hurried over to the closet and grabbed the first thing I spotted. Quickly pulling on a pair of jeans, I then rushed out of the room and headed for the stairs, ignoring Emmett's annoying chuckle as he followed behind me.

I found Bella sitting on the couch, next to Alice, and I instinctively started towards her, only to stop at a safe distance, suddenly fearing that she wouldn't want me to come closer. "Bella? What's wrong?" She turned her head to look at me, and the sight of her tear-stained face made my heart ache.

When she didn't answer, just stared at me with an unreadable expression on her face, I started to feel really uncomfortable, and it didn't exactly help to have Alice and Emmett in the same room. I could feel their eyes on me, and a part of me wanted to just turn around and run back upstairs.

But somehow, I managed to remain where I was. "Bella?" I asked again, holding my breath as I silently hoped she would respond this time. She was obviously hurting, whether or not I was the reason for her tears, and I just wanted to make her pain go away. I just didn't know how.

"I'm okay," she whispered, although she wouldn't meet my eyes. I wasn't stupid; I knew she was lying. But I wasn't about to confront her, at least not in front of a fucking audience.

Before I could say anything - and I had no idea what - Alice spoke up, "Bella, you're not okay. You were crying a moment ago, and I wanna know what's going on. Please, just tell me..."

I didn't even think as I walked up to Bella, interrupting Alice in the middle of the sentence, and wordlessly offered Bella my hand. She blinked, clearly surprised, but I refused to back down. Instead, I just nodded towards the stairs in question, praying she would understand my intention.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was making a mistake. But all of the sudden, I got the feeling Bella felt just as awkward being the center of attention as I did. And maybe, just maybe, she would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us. I knew _I_ would. So I held my breath, and waited for her reaction.

It felt like an eternity passed, when in reality, it couldn't have been more than a few seconds before Bella accepted my hand, her fingers tightly grasping mine. She didn't object as I pulled her to her feet, and I found myself wondering if she had felt the same familiar tingling sensation I did, the moment our fingers made contact.

Bella silently followed me up the stairs. Once we were inside my room, I closed the door behind us without a word. Then I glanced at her, and realized she was watching me intently. Unable to avert my eyes, I raised my hand, and hesitantly placed my palm against her cheek. "Please, talk to me," I all but pleaded. "If I did something..."

She immediately shook her head. "It's not you," she assured me, her hand flying up to catch mine before I could pull away, and gently held it in place. "That feels good," she murmured in explanation, blushing a little. "I like it when you touch me like that."

I swallowed hard. More than anything, I wanted to tell Bella just how much I enjoyed the feeling of her flawless skin against my fingers, but for some reason, the words got stuck in my throat. So I simply nodded in understanding, closing my eyes as she ran her thumb over my knuckles, and just relished the moment.

"Edward..." Bella breathed, and my eyes instantly snapped open. Our faces were now mere inches apart, and I found myself staring at her mouth, suddenly almost hypnotized by her soft lips as I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel, should she just take one step closer and brush them against mine. I subconsciously leaned in towards her.

Then I snapped out of it, my eyes widening as I realized what I was doing, and quickly took a step back as panic started to set in. "I'm sorry," I whispered hoarsely, not missing Bella's confused - and somewhat hurt - expression as I started to back away. "Bella, I-"

"Don't," she mumbled with a slight shake of her head. "Don't apologize."

The spell was broken, and I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I silently watched Bella step past me and over to the bed, where she sat down after a brief moment's hesitation. Then she looked up at me. "I texted you last night. I just wanted to see if you were okay. You know, after..." She left the rest of the sentence hanging, clearly knowing she didn't have to finish. I knew what she meant.

My eyes immediately went to my phone, still on the small nightstand where I had left it before I went to bed. "I, uh, turned it off when I got home. Sorry."

"Yeah, I figured." She shrugged, giving me a sheepish smile. "Actually, I got all paranoid, thinking you were avoiding me."

"Oh." I really didn't know how to respond to that.

"Were you?" Bella's cheeks flushed. "I mean, I know you just said you turned your phone off, but..." She self-consciously lowered her eyes.

I hadn't been avoiding her, at least not deliberately. "No, I wasn't," I told her sincerely.

"Good." She sounded relieved, although she kept her head downcast. "I don't want you to avoid me." A beat. "Ever."

"I-I won't," I mumbled, not completely certain it was a promise I would be able to keep, but nonetheless wanting to assure her. She raised her head then, and I could tell by the look on her face that it had been the right thing to say. Taking a deep breath, I decided to change the subject. "So, um, you wanna tell me what happened downstairs?"

"Oh." She grimaced. "You'll probably think it's stupid."

I shook my head. "I seriously doubt it. Try me."

Letting out a sigh, Bella nodded in agreement. She kicked off her shoes and pulled up her feet, tucking them beneath her. Then she glanced at me. "You can sit down if you want, you know. There's plenty of room."

"Um, sure." Hesitating a little, I walked over to the bed and sat down next to her, not so close that our bodies were touching, but close enough for me to take her hand. Then I gave her an expectant look.

She bit her lip. "I talked to Phil on the phone. He told me he's planning on selling the house in Phoenix."

I waited for her to continue. When she didn't, I raised a brow in question. "Okay. And... that's a bad thing?"

"I don't know. I guess not." Bella sighed again. "It makes sense, I suppose. I mean, my mom died in that house. I couldn't stand the thought of living there anymore, and I guess I shouldn't blame Phil for feeling the same way. It's just that..." she looked at me, a pained expression on her face, "I grew up there, you know. It's more than just a house. It was my home for seventeen years."

Finally realization hit me. Thankfully, Bella only had happy memories of her childhood. She didn't have any nightmares about her old room, because unlike me, she had never been hiding under the covers listening for the familiar sound of footsteps, praying in vain that just this once, they wouldn't stop outside the door. Unlike me, Bella never had to fear going to bed because of what was about to come.

That house meant something positive to her. It reminded her of good times, when her mother had still been alive, when she had been a part of a loving and caring family. When she had been happy.

I felt a pang in my chest. No matter how badly I wanted to tell Bella that it would be okay, that I understood how she felt, I couldn't. Because I _didn't_ understand. I didn't know what it was like to grow up in a home where you didn't have to be afraid all the time, and I didn't know what it was like to mourn a loving parent, because I'd never had one.

Bella, on the other hand, obviously _did_ know what that was like, because she used to have a good home and a mother who cared about her, and she had lost both. And now she was looking at me with those sad, brown eyes, silently begging me to do something - anything - to make it better.

That was when it hit me. Bella knew about my past. She knew about what James had done to me, and it didn't change the way she was looking at me, or how she felt about me. She was still here, wanting to be around me. Right now, she was hurting, though. And it was my turn to be there for her for a change.

Acting on a sudden impulse, I reached out and gently started rubbing her back, just like she had done to me so many times. It always made me feel better, and Bella had told me she liked it when I touched her, so I hoped it might bring her some comfort as well. It was the only thing I could think of, and I prayed it would work, because I just couldn't bear the thought of my Bella being in pain.

She immediately leaned into my touch, her body practically melting against mine as she snuggled closer, and I instinctively raised my arms and wrapped them around her. A moment later, I felt Bella's arms gently slip around my neck. Letting out a content sigh, she then rested her head on my shoulder.

I froze, but not because it was making me uncomfortable. In fact, quite the opposite. Bella's warm body was pressed against mine, giving me a strange, yet not unpleasant feeling inside. I couldn't explain it - nor did I completely understand it - but somehow, it just felt right.

Bella shifted in my arms, and I panicked, suddenly afraid she was about to pull away. I didn't want to let go, so instead I tightened my grip around her, burying my nose in her hair and inhaling her sweet scent. Bella smelled like strawberries and vanilla, and while I felt pretty silly for sniffing her hair, I just couldn't help myself. Just like her touch, Bella's smell had become an addiction to me.

"You're like my personal brand of heroin," I mumbled without thinking. Then my eyes widened in horror as I realized I had spoken the words out loud. However, I relaxed a little when I felt Bella smile against my shoulder. At least she wasn't sad anymore. And it didn't seem like she was in a hurry to get away from me, either.

"This is nice," she admitted softly, her fingers playing tenderly with the short hair at the back of my neck. "I like being this close to you." Then it was her turn to freeze, and she buried her face in my shoulder, clearly embarrassed by her confession.

I didn't want her to feel awkward, because I felt the same way. It scared me a little, but at the same time, I was strangely fascinated. For as long as I could remember, I had dreaded any kind of physical contact; the thought of it as a pleasant experience had never even existed in my world.

But that was before Bella had entered my life, changing everything I thought I knew. Bella, who knew about my past, and was now my girlfriend. I still had a hard time taking it all in. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought the day would come when I would be cuddling with a girl, on my bed, and enjoying every moment of it.

Somehow, I felt lighter, like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. I pulled back a little, just so I could look at her. Bella raised her head, and I could see the question in her eyes. She actually pouted a little, clearly not pleased that I had moved. "What's wrong?" she asked, an alarmed note in her voice.

"Nothing." Once again, I found myself utterly fascinated by her lips. I felt Bella's eyes on me, sensing her confusion, and realized I was staring shamelessly, but I just couldn't seem to stop. She was so close, and I felt myself drawn to her like a moth to a flame. "I just wanna try something," I whispered, my eyes never leaving her lips as I once again leaned towards her.

I heard Bella inhale shakily, understanding obviously dawning on her, and she became completely still. Her lips parted slightly, but other than that, she didn't move. Instead she just watched me with a longing, almost adoring expression on her face. That was when I knew I wouldn't pull back this time.

Raising a trembling hand to gently cup Bella's cheek, I then closed my eyes, and pressed my lips against hers. She let out a soft moan, and I nearly sobbed, because it just felt so good, so fucking _right_, like my entire life had been leading up to this very moment, and everything suddenly made sense.

That was, until I felt Bella's tongue against my lips, tentatively seeking access into my mouth. I tensed up, struggling desperately against the repulsion threatening to well up inside me. All of the sudden, I was no longer in my bedroom in Forks - I was nearly two thousand miles away, hearing James' voice in my head as clearly had he been right there next to me.

_"Open up, boy. Take it in your mouth. Do it!"_

I must have made some kind of sound, or maybe Bella just felt how my posture stiffened, because she immediately withdrew her tongue. Instead she just brushed her lips against mine, one last time, and then pulled back, only to press her cheek gently against mine before I got the chance to fret over the loss of contact.

Her fingers found their way to my hair, and I instantly relaxed, feeling how a wave of calmness came over me. But then I started to become angry. I finally had something good in my life, and I'd be damned if I was going to let that son of a bitch destroy it. So I took a deep breath, and pushed all disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind.

Taking comfort in Bella's soothing presence, I braced myself before crashing my lips against hers again, willing them to part. I could feel her hesitation, but also sensed her desire to keep going. Finally she gave in, and I took the opportunity and slid my tongue into her mouth.

Once the shock had worn off, I found myself intrigued, eagerly exploring Bella's tongue with my own. A small whimper escaped her and she tugged gently at my hair, hungrily responding to the kiss. That was when it occurred to me. I was actually kissing a girl. No, scratch that; I wasn't just kissing a girl. I was kissing _Bella_. And I never wanted to stop.


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N:**** The response I got for last chapter was just, wow, I don't even know what to say. 100+ reviews here and 200+ at Twilighted, a new record for me on both sites. I can't thank you guys enough, and I truly wish I could respond to all of you, but then you'd have to wait a lot longer between updates and I have a feeling you wouldn't want that. :) So, to each and every one of you who have taken the time to comment on my story, here or at Twilighted, just know that I read and re-read all your reviews, and they make me incredibly happy. Thank you all so much!**

BPOV

The week after our first kiss went by in a blink, at least that's how it felt to me. If Edward and I had been spending a lot of time together before, we were now next to inseparable. We hung out almost every day after school, either at my house or at his. And sometimes we would go to the meadow, where we could just lie together in the grass for hours.

No one else knew about us coming there every once in a while, though. Edward and I had never really discussed it, but it went without saying. The meadow was our special place.

After Edward had initiated that first kiss, it was like a barrier had been broken. Suddenly he could just spontaneously reach out and wrap his arms around me, or lean in and give me a peck on the cheek. It started to hit me just how starved for physical contact he really was - once he seemed to have overcome at least some of his fears, it was like he just couldn't get enough.

Not that I would ever complain, of course. I couldn't get enough of him, either.

Even though he clearly enjoyed kissing me, I could tell he was fully content just holding me, touching my face or stroking my hair. More than once during the week, we had ended up snuggling on the couch - or on the bed. It was all completely innocent - never once had Edward's hands found their way under my clothes - and yet, I got just as excited and tingly every time.

While I sometimes dreamed of Edward taking our relationship to the next level and touching me in more... intimate places, I knew better than to share my fantasies with him. I wasn't about to put any pressure on him; after everything he had been through, it was a miracle we had even come this far. I would happily accept whatever he was ready to give me.

Besides, just walking next to Edward through the corridors at school, with his arm resting casually around my shoulders, made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. People would stare at us, though, and while I couldn't care less, it was obvious that Edward wasn't comfortable with the attention. Still, he wouldn't move away from my side, which only made my love and respect for him grow even stronger.

Although I mainly hung out with Edward whenever I visited the Cullens, I would always try to spend some time with Alice as well. She had become one of my closest friends, and I didn't want to let the fact that I was now dating her brother come between us. She didn't seem to mind, though. Like she once told me, she had been thrilled when she found out Edward and I had finally put a label on our relationship.

Alice wasn't the only one who was pleased Edward and I had 'come out' as boyfriend and girlfriend. I hadn't been around when Esme and Carlisle found out, so I didn't know whether Edward had actually said something to them himself, or if they had heard about it from Alice, but the next time I came over, Esme had greeted me with a warm hug, tearfully telling me how happy she was for both of us.

Carlisle had been slightly more laid-back about the whole thing, but it was more than obvious to me that he was really glad as well. Although I hated myself for even thinking it, a part of me couldn't help but wonder if they had just come to accept the idea of Edward staying withdrawn and isolating himself from the rest of the world, simply taking his social issues for granted.

The thought made me want to cry, because the more I got to know Edward, the more I realized just how badly he truly needed love and compassion, no matter how much he had denied himself any kind of affection in the past, most likely because he didn't consider himself to be worthy of it.

I would gladly spend the rest of my life trying to make him see how horribly wrong that was. If anyone deserved true love and happiness, it was Edward. And I wanted nothing more than to be the one to give it all to him. I just needed to be very patient - the last thing I wanted was to make him feel overwhelmed.

The truth was, my feelings for Edward were so strong, it almost frightened me. What if it didn't work out in the end? How would I survive? How would _either_ of us survive without the other? I felt sick just thinking about it. I realized we were still young, and technically hadn't known each other that long, but I couldn't even imagine not spending the rest of my life with Edward.

He was it for me. I was now a hundred percent sure I would never want anyone else. I just hadn't found the courage to tell Edward how I really felt about him. I kept telling myself it was too soon, that I would let him know when the time was right. But deep down, I suppose I was just terrified of rejection.

However, one day, when Edward and I were sitting at our regular picnic table outside of the school building, finishing the last of the chicken salad and home made bread I had brought us for lunch, something happened that changed everything.

Edward was having one of his better days, smiling and talking more than usual - as long as it was just the two of us - and more than once during the lunch period, I had caught him looking at me when he didn't think I would notice. My curiosity got the best of me, and I finally couldn't stay quiet any longer. "You seem happy today. Any particular reason?"

His relaxed posture changed and he instantly lowered his eyes, almost as if he felt guilty for being in a good mood. Absurd as the thought may seem, I knew I probably wasn't too far off. Sometimes, I almost thought I had figured out how his mind worked and what to expect from him, but then he would say or do something that reminded me just how damaged he really was. And my heart broke all over again.

Brainwashed. That was the first term that came to my mind. The mere thought made me shudder, but I didn't know how else to describe Edward. That bastard - James - had really done a number on him. And I was starting to realize the physical abuse - as horrible and sickening as it may be - was only the tip of the iceberg.

A part of me didn't want to know any details about the horrors he'd had to endure during the years living with his mother and stepfather in Chicago. And it wasn't like Edward would willingly bring it up. For obvious reasons, he didn't like to talk about his past, even though he rarely lashed out at me these days. Instead he would just close up like a clam, thankfully not very often, but it still happened.

And when it did, I knew better than to push him. Most of the times.

Now he shrugged, stabbing a small piece of chicken with his plastic fork. "No." I just looked at him, waiting for him to go on. He sighed. "I don't know what you want me to say, Bella. Being with you makes me happy. That's all. Nothing special happened."

I gave him a small smile, putting my hand on top of his. "Well, being with you makes _me_ happy, so that works out just fine."

His face softened. "I like it when you're happy." A pause. "Makes me feel a bit less like an ass for making you put up with my shit. Seriously, I don't know how you do it."

My smile faded. "Edward, I don't want you to talk like that. I don't like when you're referring to yourself as some kind of a burden. You must know by now that's not how I think of you at all. I just wish..." I stopped with a sigh, not even sure what I was trying to say. Or maybe I did - I just didn't know how to express myself so he would understand.

He kept putting himself down, and I hated it. If I could just get him to see himself the way I saw him; making him realize what an amazing person he really was. Sadly, it hadn't taken me long to figure out that under the anger and hard facade, Edward completely lacked any kind of self-esteem. That was just another thing James had taken from him.

"Well, maybe you think too highly of me, then," he muttered, his words only confirming what I had just been thinking. "Look, Bella, I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm fucking broken. That's not going to change, just because you don't want it to be true. I wish I could be a better person for you, because you deserve nothing but the best, and that'll never be me."

My eyes instantly welled up, and I opened my mouth to object, but he went on, quietly, "Every once in a while, I forget, though. You make me forget how fucked up I really am; even if it's just for a moment, you make it hurt less. Fuck, Bella, you deserve so much more than this. I know I should probably let you go, but I can't. I'm weak, I admit it. I-"

"Stop it!" I cried, horrified. "You can't say things like that to me, ever! Don't talk about letting me go. You can't leave me, Edward. I couldn't bear it. I... It would kill me. Don't you get it? I can't even..." I realized I was babbling, but I just couldn't stop the panic from welling up inside me at his words.

"Bella?" Edward stared at me, clearly taken aback by my outburst. He looked a little startled, and I couldn't really blame him. But the thought of him walking out on me for 'my own good' was just too frightening and painful for me to handle. I didn't care how pathetic and desperate it made me seem; I would do just about anything to prevent that from happening.

"It would kill me," I repeated, unable to keep my voice from cracking, "because I'm in love with you."

EPOV

I stared blankly at Bella, hearing what she was saying, but unable to take the words in. Things had been just fine, and then I had to ruin it by blurting out shit I knew would upset her. The thought of not being with Bella anymore scared the hell out of me, but I kept thinking it was all too good to be true; that I just had her in my life on borrowed time.

Sooner or later, she would snap out of it and decide to move on to someone better, someone who was actually worthy of her. Someone who wasn't broken.

I hated feeling this way. More than anything, I wished I could just tell the voice in my head to shut the fuck up, and be content with what I had. Not that I didn't appreciate every single moment spent with Bella, but deep down, I couldn't help but feel guilty for making her waste her time on me.

_I'm in love with you._

No.

No, no, no, no, no. I started shaking my head in denial. "You don't know what you're talking about," I mumbled, jumping to my feet. Pulling my hand away from hers made me feel like I had just been stabbed in the chest - it physically hurt - but I didn't have any choice.

If I thought the loss of contact had been painful, it was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw the crushed look on Bella's face. Her bottom lip started trembling, and her eyes were glistening with un-shed tears. "Edward, just listen to me," she pleaded. "I know how I feel. I'm not trying to push you into something you're not ready for; I just need you to know. It's okay if you don't feel the same way."

"Okay?!" I failed to hold back a snort. "How can you say that? How the fuck can it be okay?"

Bella opened her mouth, but I didn't give her a chance to respond. I knew her well enough by now to realize she wouldn't lie to me; she obviously believed in her words. She actually thought she loved me. It was so fucking wrong, on so many levels. No matter how good she made me feel, I should never have let things go this far. She could fool herself, but she couldn't fool me.

She couldn't love me. No one could love me. I was fucking unlovable. I wanted to explain it to her, to make her see what a huge mistake she was making by sticking around and torturing herself this way. But no words would come. Instead I did the only thing I could think of in that moment.

I turned around and ran.

OoO

I barely remember driving home, but somehow, I found myself leaving my car in the driveway and heading for the front door. Having expected to find the house empty - after all, it was barely past noon - I was startled when the door suddenly opened as I reached for the handle, and I almost ran straight into Carlisle. "What are you doing here?" I demanded. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?"

He frowned, not missing my hostility, but quickly recovered. "And you should be at school now, if I'm not mistaken. Care to tell me what _you_ are doing home at this hour?"

I just looked at him, at a loss for how to respond. He got me there. A part of me wanted to snap at him, but I just couldn't find it in me to argue, so I blurted out the first thing that came to me, "Please, don't make me go back there today."

Carlisle looked a little taken aback. He hesitated, then asked in a concerned voice, "What happened?"

"What do you think?" I glared at him. "I fucked things up, as usual. Isn't that what I always do?" Tears were burning in my eyes, but I flat out refused to break down and bawl like a fucking baby. It was easier to just focus on the anger bubbling up inside me.

Unfortunately, Carlisle wasn't fooled. Ignoring my statement, he let out a sigh. "All right, you don't have to go back to school today. I'll take care of it. But don't even think about locking yourself up in your room. You are coming with me into my office, and we will talk about this. Is that clear?"

I nodded in defeat, not wanting to talk, but knowing there was no getting around it. So I simply followed him inside. Once we were in his office, Carlisle gestured for me to sit down, but I stubbornly remained standing close to the door. He looked as if he was about to say something about it, but clearly decided against it. Instead he quietly repeated his question from before, "So, what happened?"

"I told you." I rolled my eyes. "I fucked up." He just looked at me, expectantly, and I knew he was waiting for me to elaborate. I didn't want to, but I could tell he wouldn't just let it go. So I sighed and strode across the room, feeling too agitated to just stand still.

"Edward..." Carlisle started, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. "I don't mean to make assumptions, so forgive me if I'm out of line. But did you get into a fight again? Will I be getting another call from the principal? In that case, I'd rather you just tell me now. I will not get angry, I'm just trying to understand."

Shaking my head in the negative, I carefully watched his face to catch his reaction. I figured he would be relieved, but I couldn't quite read his expression. "It's Bella," I admitted in a barely audible voice.

Carlisle nodded in understanding. "Did you two have an argument?"

I shrugged, thinking I hadn't really stayed long enough for it to turn into an argument. Despair threatened to overwhelm me when I recalled the hurt look on Bella's face, and I didn't even want to know what she was thinking about me in this moment. Surely she hated me. "She..." I stopped, choking on the words. "She said she's in love with me."

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment, and then, "Oh, I see. And how do you feel about her?"

"What's that have to do with anything?" I stared at him in exasperation, feeling how my heart started beating faster. "Don't you get it? She's wrong! She can't love me. I'm not-"

He held up a hand to stop me. "Edward, listen to me. Just take a deep breath." He waited for me to obey. Then he went on, "Now I'd like you to explain to me what you mean. Why would you say your feelings don't have anything to do with it? Because I'm pretty sure Bella would disagree."

I gave him an incredulous look. "But she's wrong!" I repeated, desperately trying to make him see my point. "She's under some fucking delusion that she loves me, and that's just... I mean, I don't even know what the fuck that means!"

Carlisle's eyes widened, and he got a stunned look on his face. "Edward..."

I continued in a flat voice, not giving him a chance to finish, "People don't fucking love me, Carlisle."

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. When he finally spoke, his voice was strained, like he was in pain. "I'm so sorry, son. I didn't realize..." He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, I was shocked to see a tear find its way down his cheek. "I've failed you."


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N:**** A huge thanks to each and everyone of you who have not only taken time to read, but to let me know by reviews/emails that you're enjoying my story so far. It means the world to me. **

**EPOV**

My eyes narrowed in confusion, but I remained silent. Carlisle's words - and even more so, his reaction - had taken me by surprise. Honestly, I had no idea what he was talking about, because he had always been good to me. Better than I deserved. So what was he so upset about? He clearly didn't understand me, but that was hardly his fault.

Hell, most of the time, I didn't even understand myself.

Taking a deep breath, Carlisle then walked across the room and slumped down on the couch. It took almost a minute before he finally spoke up, asking quietly, "Is that really how you feel? That..." he exhaled, shakily, "people don't love you?"

I looked at him blankly, feeling very uncomfortable with the subject. "You don't have to feel bad," I mumbled. "It's not your fault. It's me. I'm just..." I searched my brain for the right word, "wrong."

"What?" Carlisle stared at me in shock. "No, Edward, that's not true. There's nothing wrong with you."

I let out a bitter laugh and started pacing the room. "Of course there's something wrong with me! I fucking hurt people, Carlisle. I hurt Bella because I can't say the words back, like a normal person would. You don't think I realize how fucked up I am? I want to be good for Bella, but I can't. She keeps saying that I'm not bad, but I am. She's always crying because of me, and I can't-"

"Edward," Carlisle interrupted my ramblings and stood up, his face ashen. He took a step towards me. "Listen to me," he said in a low, trembling voice. "There is nothing wrong with you. It's..." Shaking his head sadly, he went on after a brief moment's hesitation, "It's the rest of the world that's wrong, Edward. Twisted." A pause. "Fucked up."

Hearing the term I would use on a daily basis when referring to myself - out loud or just in my head - coming out of Carlisle's mouth caused me to frown. He continued, his voice suddenly dark, "There's no other way to describe it. The world is one twisted place when it allows such evil and cruelty. I'm talking about the cruelty of man. What some are capable of."

I shook my head, my fists clenching tightly. "I don't wanna hear this."

"I know you don't." Carlisle sighed. "But you need to. You need to understand that, sometimes, bad things happen to good people. It's not fair, and it's not right. I know it's hard to accept, but unfortunately, that's the way life is."

"No..." Realizing I had backed up against the wall, I struggled to keep the panic away. I had to remind myself that I wasn't trapped; that I could leave the room whenever I wanted. But for some reason, my feet wouldn't move.

"I'm sorry." Carlisle looked me right in the eyes. "I wish I could go back and change the way I've handled things, but I can't. I wanted you to have a better life, to be able to make peace with your past and move on." He swallowed. "Edward, to me, you are my son. Not by blood, but in any other way that matters. And I'm so sorry I've failed to show you that I love you."

"Don't fucking say that!" I glared at him, feeling my throat tighten. "I don't want you to say that. I don't want you to love me. Don't fucking love me!" He inhaled sharply, and I could see the pain in his eyes. For some reason, that only fueled my anger. My eyes were stinging, and I felt a desperate urge to run - just like I had run away from Bella - but I knew it was pointless.

It just wasn't possible to escape from your own mind.

"Love is unconditional, Edward," Carlisle stated in a broken voice. "You can't tell a person not to love. Just like you can't tell someone not to feel happy, or sad, or angry. You just do. Either you feel it, or you don't."

"Yeah, well, I don't!" I shouted, looking wildly around the room. My eyes landed on a small flowerpot, standing on a pedestal a few feet away, and before I even realized I had moved, I sent it flying into the opposite wall with a crash, causing the ceramic pot to break in a million pieces.

I wanted to keep destroying things, finding the shattering sound strangely satisfying, but there was nothing else in reach, so instead I let out a roar and slammed my fist into the wall as hard as I could. I was able to repeat the action several times before Carlisle gently but firmly grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me back. "Stop it," he demanded softly, keeping my arm in a firm grip. "You'll hurt yourself."

"Get off me!" I hissed and instinctively jumped backwards, only to find myself trapped in the corner.

_"Your mother doesn't want me to mark you. But I will if I have to. It's up to you. Stay where you are, and don't move. Don't speak unless I say you can. Do you understand?" James sounded calm, although I didn't miss the threatening note in his voice. So I just nodded, which seemed to please him. "Good. Now, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way." A pause. "Turn around and face the wall."___

_My eyes widened in horror. I knew he would get angry if I didn't immediately obey, but I couldn't bring myself to move. Because I knew what was coming. He had been keeping the black leather belt half hidden behind his back, but I had seen it. And I knew he had wanted me to see it. He seemed to enjoy watching me tremble in fear. Now his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed in anger, and I realized I had hesitated too long. James pulled back his fist and took a step towards me..._

The memories came crashing over me, and I instantly forgot where I was. Letting out an anguished moan, I squeezed my eyes shut and raised my arms to cover my face. Pure panic welled up inside me as I slid down on the floor, my entire body shaking.

"Edward, it's okay, I'm sorry. I-I won't touch you again. I'm sorry," Carlisle stuttered frantically, his voice sounding close to me, and I blinked in confusion, my breaths coming out in uneven gasps. When I raised my head and looked up, I realized he was crouching down next to me, concern and self-loathing evident on his face. The latter was a feeling I was familiar with.

"I'm fine," I croaked, humiliation and shame welling over me as I was slowly starting to calm down. It was a lie, though - I was far from being fine. I felt weak and pathetic, and I just wanted to be left alone. No, that wasn't entirely true. I wanted Bella. She always made me feel better, made me feel safe.

But Bella wasn't here. I had left her, pushed her away. Rejected her. And most likely lost her. Bella was far better off without me, something I had known all along. For her sake, I should just stay away from her. But the mere thought made me feel like I was dying. I failed to hold back a choked sob.

"It's okay," Carlisle repeated from his position next to me on the floor. "They are just memories. Memories can be frightening, but they can't really hurt you."

"I know that," I choked out. "That's not..." I stopped as another broken sob escaped me. I was just so fucking tired. In fact, I wasn't just tired; I felt utterly defeated. Carlisle was sitting close to me, and normally, I would've scrambled away, or told him to back off. But I suddenly couldn't even find the energy to care.

Besides, I didn't feel threatened by his presence. Sure, I had panicked when he touched me, but deep down, I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It had just been my mind playing tricks on me, confusing me. I was used to it by now; it wasn't the first time that happened. Carlisle was not the enemy here. I was the one who couldn't function like a normal person.

Bella didn't seem to care, though. She had seen me at my worst, and yet she wanted to be with me. Until I screwed up and ran off, that was. I pressed my fists against my closed eyelids, but it didn't stop the fucking tears from flowing.

Carlisle had been silent for a moment, but now he spoke up, quietly, "Tell me something, Edward. Bella can obviously touch you. How does that make you feel?"

My eyes snapped open and I removed my hands, giving him a bewildered look. When he just calmly met my eyes, I wiped at my face and shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "Why do you...? I mean, I-I don't know."

"Then think," Carlisle prompted. "I want you to think of Bella, holding your hand. Does it bother you?" I frowned, not understanding where he was going with this, and shook my head. He nodded in acceptance. "Then how does it feel?"

"I don't know." I shrugged, awkwardly. "Good. Like I want..." Then I stopped myself, embarrassed.

"Like you want... what?" Carlisle encouraged, clearly not about to drop the subject.

I sighed, looking away. "Like I want her to keep touching me. What's your point?"

Ignoring my question, he went on, "What about when you look at her? When she smiles at you? How do you feel?"

"What's with the twenty fucking questions?" I felt both uncomfortable and annoyed. But at the same time, it was like I had lost the will and energy to argue. I rolled my eyes, thinking for a moment before responding, "Grateful." I paused. "Happy."

Carlisle nodded in understanding. "And when she's not around?"

My bottom lip quivered as I was brought back to the painful reality, reminded of the fact that Bella was indeed not around. "It fucking hurts," I whispered, hoarsely.

His eyes were sympathetic. "It might not seem that way to you right now, but I'd say that is a very good sign."

OoO

**BPOV**

Empty. That was how I felt. I had been crying since the moment I closed the door behind me and collapsed on my bed, crying until there didn't seem to be any more tears left, and now I just felt empty. Hollow. Like someone had carved me out from the inside, leaving a huge hole in my chest. Or just ripped my heart right out of my body.

Never before had I been so utterly miserable.

I had done the one thing I had told myself - over and over again - that I wouldn't do. Despite my silent promise to be patient, I had pushed Edward too far, scared him away by declaring my love to him, forcing my feelings on him when he so obviously wasn't ready. And now I had ruined everything.

Possibly lost him forever.

Thinking back now, I didn't understand how I could have been so stupid. But in my defense, I hadn't been thinking straight. Edward had been talking about letting me go, hinting that I was better off without him, and I had just panicked. Because I couldn't stand the idea of losing him. And now I had. The irony of it all wasn't lost on me.

The despair I had felt only moments ago was starting to submit to anger. Not at Edward, though - none of this was his fault. I was angry at myself, and even more so, at the situation. It just wasn't fair. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I just wanted Edward to realize how much he meant to me, how much I cared about him.

He was only seventeen years old, and had already lived through more horror than anyone should have to endure over a lifetime. It was only natural that it had left him scarred and emotionally damaged, but I simply refused to believe there was no hope for him to heal, even if he seemed to have given up on himself.

Maybe Edward didn't need a girlfriend after all, maybe all he needed was a friend. Someone who would just be there for him, without any pressure. He had been reluctant to the whole relationship thing from the beginning, but I had kept insisting. If I had just left things the way they were, then we both probably would've been a lot happier right now.

Although a persistent little voice in my head kept whispering that _I_ didn't want to settle for just being friends. I wanted more. But then again, if Edward couldn't handle it, I would rather just be his friend than not having him in my life at all.

A part of me wanted to get in my truck and go to him, because surely, Edward had to be just as lonely and upset as I was right now. But I firmly told myself to stay where I was, to give him some time and space. This time, I would not chase after him. If Edward wanted to see me, he would just have to come to me.

But what if he wouldn't? What if he would start avoiding me now at school? Was it really over? I honestly didn't know. And it hurt, just to think about it. Another flood of tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my face. How could I possibly go to school tomorrow - or ever again - if Edward wouldn't want to be with me anymore?

Now would be a really good time to go back to Phoenix and visit Phil for a while. I wondered if Charlie would mind if I missed a couple of days from school. Who was I kidding? He would never let me go, at least not in the middle of the week. Maybe I could just pretend to be sick tomorrow, then he would have no choice but to let me stay at home. But then I had to spend the entire day by myself, thinking.

It really was a no-win situation.

The shrill sound of my cell phone snapped me out of my thoughts, causing me to jump a mile, and my heart started beating wildly. Could it be Edward? Did I _want_ it to be Edward? That was a stupid question. Of course I wanted it to be him. I made a beeline for the phone, casting a hopeful look at the display.

It was Alice. My heart sank and I took a deep breath before answering, trying to sound cheerful - or at least sound like I hadn't spent the last couple of hours bawling my eyes out. "Hi, Alice. What's up?"

"Bella!" She sounded relieved. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay." Okay, that sounded false, even to my ears. I grimaced, not sure why I was lying to her. "Actually, I've been better," I admitted in a small voice.

She didn't respond right away, and when she finally spoke up, she didn't sound like the Alice I knew. "Do you want some company? I can come over if you want."

I couldn't help but wonder what had transpired at the Cullen house this afternoon. How much did Alice know? Had Edward said anything to her? While I wanted to ask, I found myself hesitating, not sure I really wanted to hear the answer. Instead I sighed. "Actually, I was just about to start making dinner. And I have a lot of homework. But thanks for asking."

"Bella..." Alice started, then stopped. She was quiet for a moment. "Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I frowned. "Like what?"

"I don't know." She sounded uncertain. "Like running away to Arizona." My eyes widened, and I found it a bit creepy that she obviously knew me so well. After all, the thought had occurred to me.

But deep down, I knew I wouldn't be going anywhere. At least not without talking to Edward first. "I'm not going to run away, Alice. Why would you think that?"

"Okay, that's good." She ignored my question. "Listen, why don't you come over Friday night? We can have another sleep-over. What do you say?"

I closed my eyes for a moment. "Alice, I don't think-"

She cut me off, "But Bella, I really want to hang out with you. Rose is not coming here anymore, either. I miss having my friends over."

Right, Rosalie and Emmett had decided to take a break. I wasn't sure why, and I didn't feel comfortable asking. In all honesty, I didn't really care. After Rosalie's cruel words about Edward a couple of weeks ago, I could barely stand to look at her. I wondered if Alice felt the same way. And Emmett. Could that be the reason they had broken up? I didn't know what to think.

Suddenly, I felt a bit bad for Alice. "Look, why don't you just come here Friday night instead? We can have a sleep-over at my house. I'm sure Charlie won't mind."

She squealed so loudly, I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "Really? Are you sure? Oh Bella, we're gonna have so much fun!"

"Yeah, it'll be great." I had to smile at her enthusiasm. We talked for a few more minutes, until I heard Charlie call my name from downstairs. "Listen, Alice, I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure." Alice hesitated for a moment. "Bella?" I waited for her to continue. "Don't give up on him."

My breath got stuck in my throat, and I felt like crying all over again. I didn't trust my voice to hold, but spoke anyway, "Is he okay?"

It felt like an eternity passed before she answered, quietly, "I don't think so."

I bit my tongue to keep from bursting into tears. "Is he there?"

"No," was her only reply. I could tell that she wanted to say more, but something clearly held her back.

I sighed. "Bye, Alice."

After hanging up, I slowly made my way downstairs. Charlie met me at the bottom of the stairs, a frown on his face. "What took you so long? I called for you almost five minutes ago."

"I was on the phone, Dad." I rolled my eyes, unable to hide my irritation. "You could've just started with the dinner by yourself, you know? I mean, sooner or later, you're going to have to learn how to cook." I realized I was taking my frustration out on him, but I just couldn't help myself.

"Actually..." Charlie cast a look over his shoulder. "Someone's here to see you."


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N:****Again, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews! They all mean more to me than I can ever express in words. You guys are the best!**

There have been many interesting theories about who's come to see Bella. For some reason, most of you seem to want it to be Edward. Who would've thought? *lol* Other speculations are Carlisle, Phil, Jake and Rosalie. Well... Time to find out! :)

**OoO**

**BPOV**

My jaw dropped when Charlie took a step to the side, and I found myself staring into a pair of haunted, yet painfully beautiful, emerald eyes. "Edward," I gasped, for a moment wondering if I was dreaming. But when my dad awkwardly cleared his throat and announced that he was going into the kitchen to give us some privacy, panic started to set in.

Edward was here. But why? Had he come to apologize? To talk? Or just to end things, once and for all? The mere thought sent shivers down my spine, causing me to shudder.

"Bella." His voice sounded hollow, and he suddenly wouldn't meet my eyes, which only added to my apprehension. "Can we talk?"

I swallowed hard, but nodded. "Okay." Hesitating a little, I then motioned for the stairs. "We can go up to my room." Edward followed me upstairs without a word, and my fear only grew with each step. By the time we reached my room, I was almost in tears.

"Wanna sit down, or...?" I bit my lip, gesturing for the bed. Edward glanced at me, and I got a chance to fully take in his appearance. His face was almost ghostly pale, and his eyes red-rimmed, like he had been crying. I wanted nothing more than to just throw myself in his arms, holding him close and beg him to never leave me again, but I didn't dare. Instead I asked, quietly, "Are you okay?"

He let out a bitter laugh, lowering his eyes to the floor. "No," he mumbled, shaking his head. Then he looked up, and the pain in his eyes nearly made me weep. "Are _you_ okay?" he whispered, watching me intently.

I shook my head, seeing no reason to lie. "No, I'm not."

He was quiet for a moment, and I could see how his Adam's apple bobbed slightly. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely audible. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"No..." My voice cracked, and a tear trickled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away. "Edward, _I'm_ sorry. It was my fault. But you have to believe me, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable, or... I just..." I stopped, not knowing how to go on.

"It's not your fault." Edward sounded exasperated, and his eyes narrowed. "Are you crying?"

"No." I sniffled.

He closed his eyes, briefly. "Bella, I mean it. It's me, all right? I-"

"Don't!" I cut him off before he could finish. "Don't you dare say you're bad, or fucked up. It's not true. I don't wanna hear it."

Sighing, Edward looked me right in the eyes. "I have issues, Bella."

I blinked, a little taken aback by his sudden bluntness, but couldn't help but think it was the understatement of the year. Again, none of it his fault. "Yes, Edward, I know."

He watched me silently, then slowly made his way over to the bed and sat down. After a brief moment of hesitation, I moved to join him, although I made sure to leave some distance between us. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't know what to expect from him. I pulled up my feet and tucked them beneath me, folding my hands in my lap.

For almost a minute, we just sat there in silence. Then he spoke up, quietly, "I understand if you don't want to..." he inhaled, shakily, "be with me anymore."

"What?" My head snapped up, and I stared at him, terrified of getting my hopes up. "Aren't you here to break up with me?"

He swallowed. "Is that what you want?"

"No!" I all but yelled, sitting straight up on the bed. My fingers itched to reach out to him, but I forced myself to remain still. Instead I took a deep breath. "Edward, I meant what I said before. But if you want us to go back to just being friends, I can... I'll..." I discovered that couldn't finish. Telling Edward that I was okay with us being just friends would be a lie. And I never wanted to lie to him.

I would settle for being friends if it was the only way I got to keep Edward in my life. But I wouldn't be okay with it. Not even close. And it made me feel like a selfish bitch for wanting more from him than he was ready to give me. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't just stop loving him.

"Bella, I'm not good for you." I could tell that he was on the verge of tears, and it made my heart ache. "I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true. I don't want to hurt you, but let's face it, that's all I'm capable of."

"You do hurt me." I felt anger welling up inside me - again, not at him, but at the cruel bastard who made him feel that way. It wasn't Edward's fault that he couldn't see himself as the amazing person he really was. I gave him a pleading look, praying against hope that I would get through to him. Because I didn't know what else to do.

I went on, "You hurt me when you're telling me you're not good enough. When you're talking about letting me go." I paused. "But what hurts the most is watching you suffer like this, and not being able to help you. It's breaking my heart, Edward. Not to mention that it scares the hell out of me when you can't see that _he's_ the one responsible for all of this." I couldn't bring myself to say the name.

Edward squeezed his eyes shut. "Bella, please, don't-"

"No, just listen to me," I cut him off, determined for him to hear me out. When he remained silent, making no attempts of objecting, I continued, "Look me in the eyes, and tell me you don't have any feelings for me. That you don't want us to be in a relationship. Forget about what you think _I_ need, or deserve. Just tell me what _you_ want."

As I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I realized this was not the way I had planned for this conversation to turn out. I was going to back off, give Edward some space, if that's what he needed. But instead I was pushing him, again. Still, deep down, I couldn't help but think it was necessary. Because neither of us could go on like this.

He watched me with large, fearful eyes, suddenly looking more vulnerable than I had ever seen him before. "I want to be with you," he finally whispered.

Letting out the breath I had been holding, I nearly sobbed with relief. "And I want to be with you," I told him in a shaky voice. "There's nothing in the world I want more." This time I did reach out for him, my hand grasping his and holding it tightly.

Edward tensed up, but he didn't pull away, and I instantly knew it wasn't the physical contact that was the problem. Something else was bothering him. I waited patiently for him to come to terms with his insecurities, and share his thoughts with me. "I'm scared," he finally admitted in a small voice, keeping his head down.

"So am I," I whispered, wishing he would just look at me. To my surprise - and relief - he did. "I'm scared, too. But only of losing you." I bit my lip. "What are you scared of?" He didn't respond, just lowered his eyes to our interlocked hands. I swallowed. "Edward? Why do you think you don't deserve anything good in your life?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Instead of answering, he just shrugged, and I knew the words _'because I'm bad'_ were itching to come out. While a part of me was beyond grateful he didn't actually say it - because it made me sick to my stomach every time he referred to himself that way - the fact that he was even thinking it in the first place made my heart crumble all over again.

_Damn you, James,_ I thought, bitterly - and not for the first time - wondering if that heartless monster had been aware of what damage he had caused. Did he even care? I seriously doubted it, and it made me furious. What kind of man would willingly hurt an innocent child in such a horrible way?

And what kind of woman would willingly stay married to someone who would repeatedly hurt her son? I found myself wondering about Edward's birth mother. Elizabeth. He had never said much about her, and I could tell it was a sensitive subject. Not that I could blame him, though. But that didn't stop my curiosity.

Now I glanced at Edward, who had yet to look up again. There was something distant about his slumped posture, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was still with me. Or was he once again trapped in his own world of endless horrors? The thought chilled me to the bones, and I gave his hand a soft squeeze, praying for some kind of reaction.

He jumped slightly, proving that my assumption had been correct. I ran my fingers soothingly up and down his arm, and he visibly relaxed. While it felt good to know that my presence always had such a calming effect on him, it made me sad to think about how he so desperately needed it in the first place.

"We'll figure it out," I assured him, pleased to notice how he immediately leaned into my touch. Maybe I hadn't completely ruined things after all. The thought gave me hope, and I continued, softly, "We'll just take things real slow, okay? One day at the time. I promise not to... I mean..." I blushed. "Look, about what I said? I didn't expect you to say it back. It's enough that you want to be with me."

Edward turned his head away, mumbling something I couldn't make out. I frowned. "Edward?"

He sighed. "You wanna know what I'm scared of? This. I hear what you're saying, and I believe that _you_ think it's enough, but it shouldn't have to be." He paused, and when he went on, his voice was flat, robotic. Dead. "I don't know if I can ever say the words back, Bella. Because I'm not sure I'm capable of feeling it."

I blinked, feeling like I had just been punched in the stomach. "You don't think you can ever love me?"

He shook his head, staring out into the distance. "I don't think I can ever love, period. Because I don't know what that's like." A beat. "Don't think I have it in me. I'm sorry."

I didn't think I had any more tears left, but now I felt how my eyes started stinging again. "Don't say that," I pleaded, putting my hand gently on his cheek. "I don't believe that's true, Edward. It can't be. Because you're the kindest, most loving person I have ever met." I looked deeply into his eyes, silently begging him to believe me.

"Bella..." His bottom lip started trembling, and I could see how hard he struggled to keep his emotions under control. It was downright painful to watch, and I just wanted to hug him close and never let go. Instead I just kept tenderly stroking his face, and when the tears finally started spilling down his cheeks, it didn't take long before mine were falling as well.

Not even thinking, I tugged at Edward's hand in a desperate attempt to get him closer to me. He didn't object as I pulled him into my arms and wrapped myself around him. A moment later, his arms slipped around my waist, and he rested his head against mine. I shifted slightly, just so I could brush my lips softly against his temple, before tightening my grip around him and pressing my cheek against his.

I felt him shaking in my arms, and knew he was crying, although he didn't make any sound. But I could feel the wetness of his tears on my skin, as well as the warm air of his uneven breathing against my neck. I ran one hand slowly up and down his back, while the other was buried in his untidy, yet incredibly soft hair.

"It's okay," I murmured, feeling somewhat guilty for enjoying the sensation of Edward's strong arms around me, when it was obvious that all he needed from me in that moment was my comfort. But I couldn't help it - it just felt so good. "We'll be okay," I continued, softly. "You'll see."

His only response was to cling to me tighter. For almost an hour, we sat like that, close together on my bed with our arms wrapped around each other, silently crying and rocking slightly back and forth. I'm pretty sure I heard my door open at one point, and realized Charlie must have come to check on us, but I never looked up, and in the next moment the door closed again, only this time leaving a small crack open.

Charlie never said a word, though, and for that, I was beyond grateful. I made a silent note to thank him later for being so understanding.

When Edward finally pulled back a little, I immediately felt a small pang of loss, wishing we could just stay like that forever. However, I forced the regret away, and gave him a tentative smile. "Are you okay?" Then I cringed at the croaking sound of my voice.

He nodded, wiping at his eyes. "Sorry," he mumbled, his voice equally as hoarse as mine.

I frowned. "For what?" He just shrugged, and I waited for him to explain. When he didn't, I sighed. "Just please don't run away from me again."

Looking at me in silence, as if trying to figure out what I was thinking, Edward then nodded his head in agreement. "I won't." I felt relief welling up inside me at his words.

"You know..." I started hesitantly, unable to keep myself from scanning his face. Even puffy and bloodshot, Edward's eyes were beautiful. I shook my head in a weak attempt of clearing my thoughts, and went on, "I was really miserable before you got here. I'm not anymore, though. Thank you."

For a moment, I could see that familiar haunted expression flash across his face, and I knew he was berating himself for causing me pain. My heart sank as I wondered if he would ever be able to just accept what people were saying to him without analyzing every little word into pieces, until he would find something to blame himself for.

It was safe to say that we still had a long way to go. Well, at least we were going together. After all, he had just promised not to run again. And that was a promise I fully intended to hold him to. Because now I knew that he wanted to stay, that he wanted to be with me. And I'd be damned if I was going to let his fears and insecurities come between us again.

Thankfully, Edward's moment of doubt and self-loathing seemed to pass quickly, and he even managed a small smile. "I'm glad you're feeling better," he told me quietly, tucking a single strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't ever want you to be miserable. I know I..." He stopped himself, and I realized he had been about to say something negative about himself, something he knew I wouldn't want to hear.

I had to suppress a sigh. He was obviously trying for me, and while I knew I should be grateful, I couldn't help but wish that he would just have the will and strength to do it for himself, and not just to please me. A thought suddenly hit me. "Edward? Can I ask you something?"

He gave me a somewhat wary look, but nodded. "Sure."

"Well, I was just wondering..." I bit my lip, nervously. "Have you ever talked to someone about... about what happened to you? I mean, someone... professional?"

His eyes darkened, and I watched how his jaw clenched. I almost regretted asking, but at the same time, I really wanted to know. Although I had a feeling the answer was no, seeing how he had told me that aside from me, the only people who knew about his past were Carlisle and Esme.

So when he finally responded, his words surprised me. "Sort of."

I couldn't hide my confusion. "What does that mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "Means that, over the years, Carlisle and Esme have sent me to more fucking shrinks than I can remember, hoping one of them would miraculously be able to cure me. Well, big surprise. Didn't work." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

I was about to ask if he'd ever given any of them a chance, but decided against it. This was news to me, and I didn't know how I felt about it. For one thing, I didn't like the word Edward had used when he mentioned the shrinks. _Cure._ He didn't need some cure - he wasn't sick. What he needed was help to deal with his inner demons and learn to accept his past.

While I wanted to know more, I could tell this was another touchy subject, and figured it was best to just let it go for now. One look at Edward's pale face told me that he was completely worn out, and I couldn't blame him. I felt exhausted myself, and I still didn't know what had transpired at his house before he got here. Judging by his appearance when he showed up, things had been pretty intense.

I had been about to start with the dinner, but decided that Charlie would just have to do without me tonight. Hopefully he would understand. Somehow, I had a feeling he would. "Edward?" He glanced at me in question. "Let's just rest for a little while, okay?"

When he just looked at me with a lost expression on his face, I took the lead and leaned back against the big pile of pillows, carefully pulling him with me. He froze briefly, but didn't protest as I made him lie down next to me on the bed. Then I hesitated, suddenly afraid of overstepping my bounds.

But to my surprise and joy, Edward rolled over so he was lying on his side, facing towards me. I slowly mimicked his movement, and our eyes met. His hand found mine, and I let out a content sigh. For a couple of minutes, we just lay there in silence, looking at each other. "Would you do something for me?" I whispered then, stifling a yawn.

"If I can," he mumbled, sleepily.

That wasn't good enough. I bit my lip. "I need you to promise me something."

I could see a slight hint of fear in his eyes. "What?"

Looking down pointedly at our entwined hands, I waited for Edward's eyes to follow my gaze. Then I spoke, softly, "Remember when I promised you I wouldn't let go?" He nodded, swallowing. I went on, "Now I need you to tell me the same thing. But only if you mean it." I had to offer him an out, even though the thought of him taking me up on it was painful.

It turned out I didn't have to worry. Without hesitation, Edward brought my hand up to his lips, brushing them gently against my knuckles. "I won't let go," he mumbled, his eyes never leaving mine. "I promise."


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N:****I've gotten some new readers, and I want to thank you all for being so kind and reviewing my story. I know I've said it before, but I want to apologize and explain again that I just can't respond to every review, then it would take twice as long for the chapters to get finished and I'm sure you don't want that. If you have any questions, though, I'll always try to answer. If you want teasers, welcome to the Loner thread at the forum. There's always some interesting discussion going on, and I just love to read everyone's thoughts about the story (and other things... *cough*). Anyway, enough with the ramblings. Hope you'll enjoy the chapter!**

OoO

**EPOV**

Promising Bella that I wouldn't let go was - to my surprise - one of the easiest things I had ever done. Because I didn't _want_ to let go. I would gladly hold on to her for the rest of my life if I could, and the fact that she - for reasons far beyond my comprehension - actually seemed to need me just as much as I needed her, made me act without a moment's hesitation.

I was worn out, both physically and mentally, feeling like I hadn't slept in a week. When I had stated that I was going for a ride, Carlisle all but hit the roof, insisting that I should stay and get some rest. Of course, I flat out refused, and for a moment, I thought he was simply going to forbid me to leave the house, something he had never done for as long as I had lived under his roof.

He didn't, though, and at first, I had been relieved, because I was just too tired to argue with him. In all honesty, I didn't want to. But then he just looked at me with an understanding expression on his face, telling me to be back within two hours. And firmly informing me that under no circumstances was I getting behind the wheel in my current condition.

I could tell that he was genuinely concerned about me, and while it made me feel strangely warm inside, it also made me feel guilty for leaving. But I just couldn't stay. I had to go see Bella. I needed to at least try to explain my behavior, praying she would give me the chance. Although I didn't tell Carlisle where I was going, I suspected he already knew. Because he didn't ask once.

Going to Bella's house on foot took almost half an hour, but at least it gave me some time to gather my thoughts. However, when I was standing on the front porch, nervously knocking on the door and waiting for someone to open, I couldn't help but wonder if I was making a mistake. And when the door finally swung open, revealing Chief Swan - thankfully sans uniform - I nearly panicked.

His eyes narrowed when he saw me, but he didn't speak right away. Instead he just watched me closely, causing me to feel more uncomfortable by the second. Then he sighed. "Edward. Would you like to come in?"

I nodded, mumbling, "I'd like to see Bella," then mentally rolling my eyes at myself for stating the obvious. Why else would I be there? But Charlie just took a step back, gesturing for me to enter.

After moving to the stairs, calling out Bella's name, he then turned back to me. "Is everything all right?" I opened my mouth, then closed it again, having no idea how to respond to that. Clearly taking pity on me, he went on, "I'm only asking because you have the same distressed look on your face as Bella had when she walked through that door a couple of hours ago."

I blanched, feeling a stab in my chest. "She was upset?"

Charlie snorted. "You could say that." A beat. "Listen, Edward, I'm not stupid. I can see how much you mean to my daughter, although she hasn't said much to me. To be perfectly honest, I prefer it that way, then I can at least pretend she's still my little baby girl." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, I believe she means a great deal to you as well. Am I right?" I could only nod, not trusting my voice to hold.

"Good." He sounded relieved. "I hate to think about what it would do to her if I had to revoke your standing invitation to this house." A pause. "Bella means everything to me. I'm going to assume there has been some kind of misunderstanding, and that you didn't do anything to deliberately hurt her. You seem to be a good kid, Edward, and my daughter obviously thinks the world of you. I trust you to go and put a smile back on her face. Because, as a father, it kills me to see her like that."

His words had shaken me to the core. Not only was he insinuating that he knew I meant as much to Bella as she meant to me, but he also made it clear that he was putting a lot of faith in me. _I trust you to go and put a smile back on her face._ Those had been his exact words. While I doubted my ability to succeed, I knew I owed it to both him and Bella to at least try.

But deep down, it all came back to the fact that I just wasn't good enough. How could I possibly make Bella happy?

Once we were up in Bella's room, she had started apologizing, as if she was the one to blame for my inability to function like a normal person. And I just couldn't take it, I had to make her see that it was all my fault. But she wouldn't listen. Instead she touched me tenderly, discarding my doubts about being capable of loving, and turned my whole world upside-down with her words.

That was when I broke down.

For almost an hour, I was bawling in her arms, like a fucking baby. And she just sat there, patiently, holding me close and whispering soothingly in my ear while I poured out my frustration, confusion and self-loathing. When I had finally started to calm down - or more likely wept myself into a state of total exhaustion - I was embarrassed, but at the same time, I felt strangely peaceful. Empty, but in a good way.

It was not a feeling I was familiar with.

When Bella started asking about therapy, I was wary to respond, because for the moment, I felt content, at ease, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long as I could. Thankfully, she noticed my discomfort and dropped the subject, instead suggesting we'd rest for a while.

And then she asked me to do something for her.

As we lay there, close together on the bed with our hands tightly interlocked between us, she asked, softly, "Remember when I promised you I wouldn't let go?" I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. "Now I need you to tell me the same thing." She paused, and when she continued, I didn't miss the fear and uncertainty in her voice, "But only if you mean it."

So I did the only thing I could think of, there just weren't any options. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it gently, hoping she could tell I was being sincere. "I won't let go," I told her quietly, looking her right in the eyes. "I promise."

I was rewarded with a smile that nearly took my breath away. Bella snuggled closer to me, let out a happy sigh, and rested her head on my shoulder. "Close your eyes," she whispered, slipping her arm around me. I was reluctant at first, as I just wanted to keep looking at her. But it didn't take long before I felt my eyelids drop, and I drifted off.

**OoO**

I woke up with a start, and it took a moment before I remembered where I was. But as soon as my eyes landed on Bella's still form next to me, I relaxed. That was until I realized she was awake, watching me through sleepy eyes, a lazy smile on her face, and I suddenly felt a little awkward. "Sorry, must've dozed off for a moment," I mumbled.

She frowned. "Edward, you've been asleep for almost two hours."

My eyes widened in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" The look on her face told me she was very much serious. I groaned. "Fuck!"

"It's okay." Bella put her hand on my arm. "I fell asleep as well. I'd probably still be sleeping, if it hadn't been for..." She stopped herself, and something in her expression changed. "Oh, um, Carlisle called a little while ago. You didn't by any chance turn off your phone before you came over?"

"No," I responded, truthfully. My phone had been on the whole time. In the pocket of my jacket, that I had left back at the house. I closed my eyes for a moment, remembering Carlisle's request for me to be back within two hours. Which meant - if Bella was right about me having been sleeping for so long - that I had been away almost twice as long. "Fuck!" I repeated, louder this time.

Bella sat up on the bed, giving me an assuring smile. "No need to panic. I talked to him, and so did Charlie. Carlisle was just worried about you, but I told him you were fine. He wants you to call him, but he's not mad or anything. Don't worry about it." She bit her lip. "I'm sorry, I just didn't have the heart to wake you. You looked so..." she blushed, "peaceful."

I raised my brow skeptically, and sat up as well. She went on, her smile fading a little, "You didn't even wake up when I left the room. You must've been exhausted."

"Guess so. Mind if I use your phone?" She reached across the bed, grabbed her small cellphone from the nightstand, and handed it to me without a word. Then she stood up, stretched, and told me quietly that she was going to the bathroom, leaving me to make the call in private. It wasn't necessary, but I appreciated the thought.

When Bella had left the room, I took a deep breath, and quickly dialed the number home. The first signal had barely gone through before there was a click on the other end, and I heard Esme's normally calm voice, now frantic with worry. "Edward?"

I held back a sigh. "Yeah, it's me. Sorry for-"

Esme cut me off, "Oh thank God, I was so worried! Are you all right?"

For a moment, I was torn. While her obvious concern for me made me feel guilty and wish she wouldn't worry so much, I couldn't deny that - deep down - it felt kind of good to know that she cared. Of course, I wouldn't admit it out loud. That would mean letting my guard down completely, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be ready for that.

I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. "I'm okay. Sorry, I know I should've been home by now. I'm at Bella's." I paused, adding with a grimace, "I fell asleep."

"Oh, I know, sweetie. Carlisle spoke with both Bella and her father on the phone." She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. "Would you please come home?"

As much as I wanted to stay with Bella, I found myself agreeing without objection. "Yeah, sure."

"Oh, good." I could hear the relief in her voice, which only added to my guilt. It just didn't make sense to me, why she wanted me home so badly. All I ever did was cause trouble. Carlisle and Esme were good people, it just didn't seem fair that they would have to put up with so much crap from me.

_Maybe the reason they put up with you is because they love you,_ the little voice whispered inside my head, but I immediately waved it off. True or not, I wasn't going there. I couldn't deal with that shit now. It was all just too much.

I told Esme I would be home within thirty minutes, which was just about how long it had taken me to get here. Then I hung up, and placed the phone back on the nightstand. When Bella re-entered the room a moment later, I gave her an apologetic look. "I really need to get going."

Sadness flashed across her face, but she nodded in understanding. "I wish you could stay," she mumbled, her cheeks turning slightly pink.

So did I. More than anything.

I opened my mouth, wanting to say something about how much these past couple of hours had meant to me, but suddenly, words just didn't seem to be enough. So instead I just walked over to Bella, slipping my arms around her waist after only a moment's hesitation. "Can I kiss you?" I whispered, holding my breath as I waited for her response.

Her face lit up and she happily melted into my tentative embrace. "You never have to ask," she breathed, closing her eyes as our lips met. And in that moment, the rest of the world ceased to exist.

When Bella realized I hadn't brought my car and was planning on walking back home, she insisted on giving me a ride, which meant that I was back at my house less than twenty minutes later. I would have been home even sooner, but both Bella and I had a hard time letting go of each other.

Stepping through the front door, I almost walked right into Esme, who I suspected had been waiting by the door since she hung up the phone. She greeted me with a warm smile, although I could see her eyes were glistening, like she had been crying. Then she instinctively reached out her arms towards me, only to catch herself in the next moment, and her smile disappeared. Suddenly she looked crestfallen.

"Edward..." Her voice was husky with emotion. "I'm so glad you're home. How are you feeling, sweetie?"

"Fine." I shrugged. "Still a little tired, though. Think I'll just go to bed." While I had gotten some sleep at Bella's house, it wasn't enough, and I figured I would pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

"Oh, of course. Just..." Esme hesitated. "I was hoping we could talk a little. But if you're too tired..." Her voice trailed off, and she was unable to hide her disappointment.

I really didn't feel like talking, but I just couldn't bring myself to turn her down. So I suppressed a sigh and walked into the room, slumping down on the couch. I could feel Esme's surprised eyes on me, although she quickly covered up and followed me, stopping a few feet away. "Is it okay if I sit next to you?" she asked, quietly. I nodded, for some reason feeling ashamed that she felt the need to ask.

She glanced at me as she carefully sat down, making sure to leave some space between us. "How's Bella?"

"Good, I think," I answered, a little relieved. Somehow, I found it a lot easier to discuss Bella's feelings and emotions than my own. "At least she was when I left," I added.

"Well, that's good." Esme paused. "Edward, I'm going to be straight with you. Carlisle told me what happened before you left. What you said about..." She swallowed, unable to finish.

I let out a sigh, knowing what she was referring to. Not that I was surprised. When I first came to live with them, Carlisle had explained to me that he wouldn't ever hide anything from Esme, unless I directly asked him to. And I rarely did, mostly because I didn't want to cause any problems between them. Besides, Esme already knew about my past. I didn't really care if Carlisle shared information with her.

Alice and Emmett were a different matter, though.

"I wish I could just give you a hug." Esme tried to smile, not quite succeeding. "That's what hurts the most, you know? Not being able to hold my boy when he's hurting." Her chin quivered, slightly.

I closed my eyes, feeling a lump in my throat as I started to object, "I'm not-"

"Yes, you are." Clearly knowing where I was going, Esme cut me off, a stubborn note in her voice. "You've been my boy for the last six years, ever since the day you stepped through that door for the very first time." A pause. "And I've loved you for just as long."

I didn't respond. My eyes stung, but thankfully, I seemed to be all out of tears for now. I feared that if I would start crying again, I wouldn't be able to stop. It was a very disturbing feeling. I glanced around the room in a desperate attempt to find some kind of distraction. "Where are the others?" I asked in a strained voice.

Esme gave me a sad smile, no doubt realizing exactly what I was doing. "Carlisle is in his office. Alice and Emmett are upstairs." A beat. "They won't come down." I nodded in acceptance, but remained silent. She sighed. "Sweetie, am I making you uncomfortable? You can be honest."

"No." Then I shrugged, rolling my eyes. "It's not you. It's just..." I shrugged again, not knowing how to explain.

But somehow, she seemed to understand. "This is just hard to talk about?" I nodded, looking away. She went on, softly, "Edward, it's hard for me, too. For all of us. To tell the truth, I just feel so helpless. I've been trying so hard to give you the space you need, not wanting to smother you. But I realize now that I've been handling it all so wrong. Can you ever forgive me?"

My eyes shot to hers and I gave her a look of confusion. First Carlisle, then Bella, and now Esme had all been apologizing to me, telling me they were sorry or asking me to forgive them. But I just couldn't see why they thought they were the ones who had done something wrong. It was always me. It had to be me. I was...

_"Don't you dare say you're bad, or fucked up. It's not true."___

_"It scares the hell out of me when you can't see that_ he's _the one responsible for all of this."___

_"You're the kindest, most loving person I have ever met."___

_"You're not bad, not bad, not bad..._

Bella's voice rang in my head, interrupting my self-criticism. I shook my head in denial, but I kept hearing her words. She had to be wrong, whether or not _she_ actually believed it was the truth. I always deserved what I got. She had to be mistaken.

But what if she wasn't?


	43. Chapter 43

**A/N:****Again, thank you so much for your kind and lovely reviews! However, if you feel a strong need to criticise my work, I would appreciate the ability to respond.**

OoO

**EPOV**

My conversation with Esme - to be honest, she had done most of the talking - had given me a lot to think about. Of course, a part of me desperately wanted to avoid thinking about it. When she had asked me if I could forgive her, I had merely mumbled in agreement, not knowing what else to say. I felt like my walls were crumbling around me, and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. It scared the hell out of me.

It wasn't the words that came as a total shock to me, after all, she and Carlisle had told me they loved me several times over the years. I had just never allowed the meaning of those words to sink in before. In fact, I had always shrugged it off as something they just felt obligated to tell me, not really understanding the concept. And they seemed to accept the fact that I just wouldn't say it back.

For some reason, what Esme said about wishing she could hug me struck me hard. I recalled the feeling of Bella's arms around me, and found myself wondering if some day I would be able to let my family touch me in any way without flinching away in revulsion. Then I frowned when I realized I had been referring to them in my mind as my family. That was not a word I would normally use.

Truth be told, Carlisle and Esme _had_ been touching me on occasion, mostly unintentionally, and sometimes when they were clearly hoping I would be okay with it. I never was, though. Not because their touch was actually painful, it was more a reminder that I was not in control. And it just made me panic.

Now I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I could handle that kind of contact with them if I initiated it, like I had with Bella at first. Would I be able to hug Esme? Would I even want to? I realized that I owed it to her, at the very least. It was another thing to consider. And I couldn't believe I was actually letting my mind wander in those directions.

I wasn't stupid - I realized this was all Bella's doing. Before I met her, the thought would never even have crossed my mind. In fact, if someone had told me six months ago that the day would come when I would willingly allow anyone so close to me, I would've laughed. Or, more likely, told them to fuck off.

But Bella had taught me that touching didn't necessarily have to be painful. It could actually feel pretty good. Hell, who was I kidding? Bella's touch made me feel happy, relaxed, safe and cared for, all at once, and I never wanted those feelings to go away.

I went to bed early that night, and just like I had suspected, I fell asleep right away. I remember waking up at some point, but I couldn't tell whether or not I had been dreaming. Either way, I managed to go right back to sleep, and slept without interruptions for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen, feeling more rested than I would've thought possible after the intense events of the day before. Everyone was already seated around the breakfast table, although Emmett seemed to be the only one eating. I headed straight for the coffee maker.

"Good morning." Esme smiled at me, and I managed a small smile in return. The way her face lit up when I quietly returned her greeting made me inwardly cringe. Was I usually that much of a jerk that I wouldn't even acknowledge her? Deep down, I already knew the answer to that.

Again, I wondered how the hell they had put up with me for so long. I forced back a sigh.

Taking a small sip from her glass of orange juice, Alice spoke up, excitedly, "Remember, Mom, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I'm spending the night at Bella's." Esme nodded, seeing how it was obviously no news to her. I, on the other hand, froze in the middle of pouring myself some coffee, and my eyes shot to Alice.

Thinking back, I vaguely recalled Bella mentioning something yesterday about Alice coming over tonight, but I hadn't given it much thought at the time. Now I was unprepared for the sudden wave of jealousy that welled over me. Why would Alice get to spend the entire night with Bella? I realized I was being both childish and irrational, but I couldn't help myself.

My thoughts were interrupted by Emmett's quiet snickering, and I turned to look at him with a frown. He shrugged as our eyes met, giving me an apologetic look, and I could tell he knew exactly what was going through my mind. I sighed. Was I really that obvious? Well, clearly I was. I shook my head in irritation as I walked over to the stove, helping myself to some scrambled eggs.

Carlisle had been reading the morning paper when I entered the kitchen. Now he put it down on the table and cleared his throat, looking around the room until he was certain he had all of our attention. "Kids, you remember that your mother and I will be going out of town tomorrow, and we won't be back until Sunday? We need to discuss some ground rules."

Grabbing my plate and my cup of coffee, I went over to the table and sat down, grateful for the distraction. Carlisle and Esme were invited to some charity event in Seattle and had - after a much heated discussion whether or not it would be safe to leave the three of us alone in the house over night - decided to go. I suspected I was the main reason for their hesitation, although they hadn't said it out loud.

"Rule number one," Carlisle started, his eyes steady on Emmett, "no parties. We expect to come home and find the house in the exact same condition as it is now. Is that clear?" Emmett nodded, looking somewhat sullen. Alice nodded as well, and I simply shrugged, thinking it didn't really concern me.

"But we can still have friends over, right?" Alice asked, a hopeful note in her voice. I rolled my eyes, knowing she was referring to Jasper.

"Sure, I don't see why not." Esme smiled. "We trust you."

Carlisle nodded in agreement before he went on about what he and Esme expected from us while they were away, but I had stopped listening. Instead I found myself playing with the idea of asking Bella to come over tomorrow. Maybe she could even stay the night. The thought made me feel strangely excited.

About an hour later, I was sitting in my car waiting for Bella to come out of her house. Just like our lunch breaks, me picking her up before school had become somewhat of a ritual. Some days, Alice would ask if she could come along, and while I usually made an effort not to complain or snap at her, I definitely preferred those mornings when it was just me and Bella.

This morning, I was thankfully coming alone, as Alice had already left with Emmett. To be perfectly honest, I didn't understand why she wouldn't just ride with Emmett every morning, because surely he had to be more fun to be around than me. But she kept insisting, and I just didn't have the heart to say no.

I snapped out of my thoughts when the front door opened, and Bella stepped outside, her book bag in a tight grip as she hurried across the driveway. I was out in a second, rushing around the car so I could hold the door open for her, and as always was rewarded with a somewhat shy smile and a soft peck on the cheek.

"Spring break's coming up," Bella stated quietly as soon as we were out on the main road, and she kept fidgeting with her bag. "You got any plans?"

Before I met Bella, my answer to such a question would've been a sarcastic 'when the fuck do I ever?', but now I just shook my head. She hesitated a little. "We should do something. Maybe we could go to Port Angeles or something, just over the day." For some reason, she kept her eyes down.

I frowned, wondering what was going on, because Bella was acting strange. Despite her words, she seemed off somehow. Distant. And it bothered me. When I didn't respond, she turned her head to look at me, her eyes suddenly uncertain. "I mean, only if you want to," she mumbled, blushing. "I didn't mean to assume..." Her voice trailed off.

I immediately shook my head, horrified that she would think I didn't want to spend every waken moment with her. "Of course I want to. It's just..." It was my turn to hesitate, because I didn't know what to say. "Bella, is something wrong? Did I do something-"

"No!" She cut me off, placing her hand gently on my arm. "I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean to make you think... It's not you. I just have a lot on my mind right now."

"Oh." I was quiet for a moment, not sure how to respond to that. Finally I glanced at her. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Yeah," she answered without hesitation, her hand absently drawing patterns on my arm. "I'm just not sure where to start." Now I was beginning to worry, because she made it seem like it was something serious. Watching Bella take a deep breath, I realized I was about to find out. And her next words made me feel like I had just been punched in the stomach. "Edward, I have to go back to Phoenix."

**OoO******

**BPOV**

I instantly felt Edward tense up and watched all color drain from his face. His hands were suddenly gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles became white, but what bothered me the most was the fact that he had yet to look at me. Instead he kept staring straight ahead through the windshield - I suppose I should been grateful that he kept his eyes on the road, but his blank expression scared me.

It was like he was shutting down on me.

"Edward?" I whispered, more than a little worried now. "Did-did you hear what I said? Are you okay?"

He made no sign of acknowledging me at first. But when almost a minute had passed, he finally opened his mouth and asked in a hollow voice, "When are you leaving?"

I blinked, relieved that he was talking to me, but at the same time, there was something eerily apathetic about his behavior, and it bothered me deeply. "Um, next Saturday. Look, I-"

"Are you coming back?" he interrupted, again in the same flat, almost dead voice, as if he already knew the answer and didn't really need to hear the words spoken out loud. And that was when it hit me.

He didn't think I was coming back. He actually thought I was leaving him for good.

"Oh, God..." I mumbled, suddenly feeling nauseous. "Edward, please, stop the car." He didn't react at first, so I had to repeat my request, louder this time, "Stop the car, Edward. Now!"

Edward jumped slightly at my sudden demanding tone, but then seemed to snap out of the stupor and obeyed, pulling over to the side of the road. I almost jumped out of the car, half convinced that I was going to be sick, but I somehow managed to remain in my seat, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

Then I turned to look at Edward, and realized he was still looking blankly out the window, his hands still grasping the wheel, although we were no longer moving. He was breathing heavily in and out, and I could see small pearls of sweat on his forehead. Forcing back a sob, I reached out a trembling hand to cover his, gently trying to pry his fingers off the wheel.

God, how stupid could you get? I silently cursed myself for expressing myself so badly. "Edward, I'm not going anywhere. I mean, I'm going away, but only for a couple of days. I'll be back, of course I will." I swallowed. "I'll always come back to you. I love you."

The moment the words left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. Not because I didn't mean it, but because the last time I told Edward I loved him, he had bolted. Sure, he _had_ promised not to run away from me again, and even if he would, we were in _his_ car at the moment - should he decide to run, I would just stay on the spot until he came back. No matter how long it took.

Still, I hadn't planned to tell him again so soon. Like so many other things, love was clearly a sensitive subject for him, and I should just try to ease him into the idea instead of blurting the words out like this. But in my defense, I wasn't thinking rationally, or at all. I just desperately needed to get through to him.

Holding my breath, I waited for some kind of reaction as Edward slowly turned his head towards me. His breathing seemed a little bit more normal, much to my relief. These panic attacks, or whatever it was, scared me half to death. It wasn't the first time I had witnessed him having one, and I was pretty sure it wasn't the last.

"Edward?" I tried again when he made no attempt of speaking. He tilted his head to the side, watching me cautiously, although something in his expression had changed. Now I could see a faint trace of hope in his eyes. I let out a shaky breath. "Would you please say something?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and I forced back a sigh, wishing he had said anything but those words. He had nothing to be sorry for. This was all my fault.

"Don't be." I squeezed his hand and took a deep breath, deciding I owed him an explanation. And this time, I would start from the beginning. "Um..." I hesitated. "Remember when I told you Phil was going to sell the house?" Edward nodded slowly, never taking his eyes off me. I went on, "Well, he also wants me to come visit him. And if I want to see the house one last time, I need to do it soon."

Edward nodded again, the color slowly returning to his face. "So you _are_ coming back," he mumbled, sounding so relieved that I almost started crying. My poor baby. How could he think, even for a second, that I could ever leave him for good? How could he not know by now how much he meant to me?

Then again, I had a feeling that - deep down - Edward actually _did_ know. He just didn't dare to fully believe it.

"I'll always come back," I told him sincerely, repeating my words from a moment ago. Only this time, I was certain that he heard me.

But when he spoke up, I realized he had heard me the first time. "Because you love me." It was more of a statement than a question, but there was still a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

I nodded without hesitation. "Yeah." It wasn't lost on me that, while Edward remained silent, he didn't object to my declaration this time. Hoping that was a good sign, I continued, "I talked to Phil on the phone last night. Since spring break starts next weekend, he thought it would be the perfect time for me to come." I shrugged.

Had it been up to me, I would have gladly postponed the visit for as long as I could. The last thing I wanted to do right now was go back to Arizona and face all the painful memories. Especially when I could be spending the time with Edward. I had already decided to make the visit as short as possible. If I could just go over the day, I would. Unfortunately, that wasn't a possibility.

"What about you?" Edward asked quietly, causing me to jump as I had been caught up in my thoughts. I gave him a questioning look, and he clarified, "You said Phil thought it was the perfect time. Don't you agree?"

I blinked, wondering if he could read my mind. "It doesn't really matter. This is something I need to do, whether I like it or not. Might as well get it over with." I sighed. Edward looked at me with an unreadable expression, but he didn't say anything. I bit my lip, adding, "It's just for a few days," not sure if I was trying to convince him, or myself.

Even a few days away from Edward would feel like an eternity.

We were both quiet for a moment. Finally Edward spoke up, and I could tell he was trying to change the subject. "Alice seemed excited about tonight."

I had to smile, remembering Alice's squeal when I had told her we could have a sleep-over. "Somehow, I don't think 'excited' quite cover it. Try ecstatic."

Edward snorted, but didn't object. Instead he cleared his throat. "So, what are the two of you going to do all night?"

I shrugged, because I honestly didn't know. "If it was up to me, we'd have a quiet night in, just watching a couple of movies and stuffing ourselves with chocolate." I paused. "But since I have a feeling Alice will have other ideas, I might as well prepare myself for the worst." Seeing Edward's confusion, I clarified, "Make up and curling iron."

The corner of his mouth twitched, although he tried to hide his amusement. "Sounds fucking dreadful."

"You have no idea," I muttered, rolling my eyes. The tension seemed to have lifted, at least for now. I knew the conversation about my leaving wasn't over, but for the moment, I just wanted to forget about it. And Edward seemed to feel the same way.

"Are you, um, doing anything special tomorrow night?" He sounded both nervous and hopeful, which I found adorable. I shook my head, looking at him expectantly. Edward quickly averted his eyes, clearly finding something very interesting down on the floor. "Carlisle and Esme are going away for the night. You can come over if you want." He still wouldn't look at me.

I bit my lip. "What about you?" Pretty sure I already knew the answer - at least I hoped so - I still wanted to hear it coming from him. "Do _you_ want me to come over?"

His eyes finally shot to mine, and in that moment, he didn't really need to say anything, because his eyes spoke volumes. "Yes," he told me softly, reaching out to gently run his fingers through my hair. "I really want you to come."

I didn't even try to stop the happy grin from spreading on my face. "In that case, there's nothing I'd like more."


	44. Chapter 44

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging comments!**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

I was sulking. Not that I would ever admit it out loud, but that was exactly what I was doing. When Bella had told me she was going to my house directly after school, to help Alice gather her stuff for their sleep-over, I had been thrilled, thinking I would get to spend some more time with her. But it turned out I was wrong.

The moment we stepped through the front door, Alice grabbed Bella's hand and all but dragged her up the stairs, after firmly informing me that it was a - and I quote - 'girls night only, starting right now!' Bella didn't look too pleased, but gave me an apologetic look and a shrug. I knew she had been feeling guilty about hardly spending any time with Alice lately, so I didn't blame her.

It didn't stop me from feeling abandoned, though.

The annoying little voice inside my head kept whispering that it might be a good idea to spend some time apart from Bella, just to get used to it. Because in a week, I would be on my own for days. Ever since Bella had told me she was going to Phoenix, I had done my best to push the thought to the back of my mind. I didn't want to think about it.

I was missing Bella now, and she was still in the same fucking house. The mere thought of her being at the other side of the country made me feel sick to my stomach.

After spending half an hour moping in my room - with my iPod as my only company, desperately trying to ignore the fact that Bella was just two bedrooms away - I decided to go to the kitchen and get something to drink. Not that I was really thirsty, I just needed a distraction.

As I stepped out in the hallway, I couldn't keep from throwing a wistful look at the closed door leading into Alice's room, but I told myself to just leave Bella alone.

She was here to hang out with Alice; she didn't need me to stalk her. Besides, I would have her all to myself tomorrow. Bella had happily agreed to spend the night, assuming her dad wouldn't mind. I was a bit nervous about that, but she had assured me that as long as she told Charlie she was spending the night with Alice, he would be okay with the arrangement.

I was a bit confused by her reasoning at first, but as I recalled Charlie admitting he liked to at least pretend Bella was still his little girl, I suppose it made sense.

Halfway downstairs, I froze in my tracks as I immediately saw Emmett pacing back and forth, talking on his cellphone. He sounded frustrated. "No, you can't come over tonight." A pause. "Because I told you, I need some time." He let out a sigh. "I miss you too, Rose, but that's not the point. I can't..." For some reason, he chose that moment to cast a look in my direction, his eyes widening as he spotted me.

I considered my options, not sure whether to turn around and go back, or just ignore him and continue down the stairs, pretending to be oblivious. Emmett and I had managed to act mostly civilized toward one another lately, and I wasn't in a mood for fighting. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was eavesdropping on his phone calls, when I honestly couldn't care less.

Emmett quickly finished the conversation and let the phone slip down in his pocket. He gave me a wary look as I - after a moment's hesitation - kept walking, giving him a brief nod as I passed him. Then I continued into the kitchen without a word, hoping he wouldn't follow.

But it didn't take long before I heard Emmett entering the room behind me. As I made myself busy rummaging through the fridge, I threw a glance at him over my shoulder, wondering if he was going to pick a fight. I wouldn't put it past him, but told myself to try to cut him some slack, seeing how he hadn't really done anything to deserve my annoyance so far.

Still, old habits were hard to break.

Emmett cleared his throat. "What's up?" Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he went on, "Mom said to fend for ourselves for dinner tonight. I was gonna order pizza. Want some?"

My brows went up in surprise as I was taken aback by his question. "Um, yeah, okay."

He nodded, but remained where he was. "You know if Alice is eating at Bella's, or...?" Clenching my teeth, I merely shrugged in response. A grin started to spread on his face. "Man, you've got it bad!" My eyes narrowed, and he clarified, "Just saying, all I did was mention her name, and you're about to spaz out. I bet it kills you to know she's up there with Alice right now." He chuckled.

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." The fact that he seemed able to see right through me made me both angry and defensive, and I scowled at him. "Just fuck off!"

His grin disappeared and he raised his hands in surrender. "I was only kidding, sorry! Jeez! Don't have to bite my head off." Shaking his head in obvious irritation, he stepped past me and picked up the cordless phone from the kitchen counter. I watched in silence as he started dialing the number to the pizza place, suddenly feeling stupid.

When he hung up, I forced back a sigh. I wasn't about to apologize, but I still felt a strange need to placate him. "I'll get you some money for the pizza," I mumbled, fighting the urge to roll my eyes as it was the only thing I could think of to say.

But luckily, he didn't seem any more eager to keep arguing than I was. "That's okay. I've got it covered."

I opened my mouth to object, then decided against it and nodded in acceptance. "All right, thanks. Um, food's on me next time, then." He looked a little surprised by my offer, but nodded as well. An awkward silence followed.

Just as I was about to leave the room, Emmett spoke up, "So, when are you taking her out on the next date?" I stopped in my tracks, eying him cautiously. He shrugged. "Just curious. Hey, she's coming here tomorrow night, right? You know what you should do? Make her dinner or something. Chicks like to be pampered like that. Rose would always..." He stopped himself, grimacing. "Never mind."

I raised a brow, curious against my will, and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, "Why did you two break up?"

Emmett's mouth opened, then closed, and he suddenly looked angry. I immediately regretted asking, especially since I didn't even care in the first place. I was just happy the bitch wasn't around anymore. The truth was, I had never been able to stand Rosalie, even before she and Emmett started dating. I was just too ashamed to admit why.

Having expected Emmett to lash out at me, telling me to mind my own fucking business, I was surprised - to say the very least - when he actually answered. "Because I have a problem with her attitude." He didn't elaborate, and I didn't ask any further questions.

Instead I just nodded in understanding, and quickly changed the subject. "You really think I should make Bella dinner?" A part of me cringed at the thought of actually asking Emmett for advice about, well, to be honest - anything, but since he had been the one to bring it up, I decided to give it a go.

After all, he _had_ been kind of helpful with the fucking flowers. I couldn't help but wonder if Bella had ever googled the meaning of freesias, like I had suggested. Of course, I was too embarrassed to ask her, but I really wanted her to know what she meant to me.

Sweetness, friendship, and trust. That's what it said in that fucking article Emmett 'accidentally' dropped in my room a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully, he never asked me if I actually read it.

Now he nodded - if he was shocked by my sudden interest in his opinion, he didn't let it show. "Yeah, sure. I think she'd like that." The more I thought about it, the more I started to agree. Not to mention how good it would feel to be able to do something nice for Bella for once.

"All right. I'll, uh, think about it," I told him, not wanting to sound too enthusiastic. To tell the truth, it felt more than a little weird to be having this conversation with Emmett.

In that moment, Carlisle entered the kitchen, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for the distraction. "Hello." He smiled in greeting before looking around the room, and his face fell. "No dinner?"

Emmett shrugged. "Mom said she was too busy doing laundry and packing for tomorrow. I just ordered a couple of pizzas. They should be here any minute."

Carlisle nodded in acceptance. "I see. That'll be fine." He paused. "I suppose I should go offer her my assistance, but I have a feeling I would just be in the way."

"Women and packing..." Emmett snorted. "Mom's been at it for an hour already. Just throw some stuff in a bag, how hard can it be? I mean, you'll be gone for one night." Carlisle shook his head in agreement.

I rolled my eyes. "Alice is even worse. She actually wrote a fucking list of what to bring to Bella's tonight."

"Yes, she showed me this morning." Carlisle somehow managed to keep a straight face. "Right after asking me if she could borrow my suitcase. Apparently, her regular over-night bag wasn't big enough."

For a moment, the three of just just looked at each other, the same bewildered expression mirroring our features. Then Emmett let out a booming laugh. Carlisle was unable to hide his amusement any longer, and even I couldn't help but crack a smile. Hell, it was funny.

Suddenly the phone rang. Emmett instantly became serious. "Man, if that's from the pizza place, calling to say our food's late... I'm starving here!" He grabbed the phone and brought it to his ear, a somewhat anxious look on his face. "Hello?" A pause. "Oh. Um, this is Emmett. Would you like to speak to...? Yeah, sure. Hold on." He held out the phone to Carlisle. "Dad, it's for you."

In the same moment, the doorbell rang. Emmett immediately perked up. "Pizza's here!" He rushed out of the room to get the door, a huge grin on his face. I just shook my head.

"I don't see why this couldn't wait until Monday." Something in Carlisle's voice made me turn my attention to him. He sounded annoyed as he went on, lowering his voice, "I've asked you only to contact me during office hours, unless there is an emergency. This hardly qualifies as one."

He listened for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yes, I agree. But..." Another pause. "Very well. We will discuss it, and then I'll get back to you. Good bye, Mrs. Masen." He hung up and put the phone down, briefly closing his eyes.

I had frozen at the name, but made no motion of acknowledgment as I just looked at him, crossing my arms over my chest and fighting back the alarm. "What was that about?"

Carlisle let out a sigh. "It's no big deal, Edward. We can talk about it later."

I shook my head, refusing to let him patronize me. "What did she want? Is she coming here?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Her annual visit is coming up, yes." A beat. "I know you don't feel comfortable around Victoria. But remember, this will be the last time. You're turning eighteen in less than two months, and then she will be off your case."

"When?" I all but growled, thinking this day couldn't possibly get any worse. She would come here once a year, staying for a couple of hours, during which I was forced to sit down with her and answer her never-ending fucking questions, all the while she would watch me closely and take notes. I fucking hated it. And, unlike the therapy, it wasn't like I had a choice.

I knew Carlisle was right, though; once I turned eighteen, I would legally be considered an adult, which meant social workers would no longer have any interest in me. I just had to endure this shit one more time. However, that didn't mean I was looking forward to it.

"I'm supposed to call Victoria back on Monday, and we will set a date." Carlisle hesitated, and I could tell he was eager to change the subject. I didn't blame him. These fucking 'visits' as he liked to call them - although to me it felt more like an interrogation - never turned out well. "Last time," he reminded me again, looking me right in the eyes.

That may be true. But I suddenly didn't care. "That suppose to make me feel better?"

He sighed. "Edward-"

I felt my anger rising and cut him off, not really interested in what he had to say, "Because it doesn't. But you wouldn't care. You actually enjoy this, don't you? Once a year, I have no choice but to be locked up with that bitch and dwell on my fucked up past. You can't force me to talk to the shrinks, or to yourself, but I have no say in this matter. Bet you fucking love it!"

Carlisle got a hurt look on his face, and I immediately knew I had crossed the line. He didn't deserve my irrational accusations, but as always, I was taking my fear and anger out on those who actually cared about me. I had been caught off guard, and I didn't like it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," I grumbled and spun around, eager to get out of the room.

"Edward, stay!" Carlisle demanded, and I froze in the doorway. He rarely raised his voice, and I had to struggle to keep the uneasiness away. Refusing to turn around and face him, I heard him take a couple of steps towards me, only to stop a few feet away. "You are going to stop running away, and listen to me," he told me in a quiet, yet strained voice.

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I said I was fucking sorry."

"Yes." I got the feeling he was trying very hard to keep his voice calm. "I heard you. I appreciate and accept your apology. But this isn't about me. This may sound harsh, and I'm sorry. But you're not the only one in the world who's been through a horrible ordeal." My fist clenched, but I didn't respond. He continued, "You need to learn to control your temper."

Finally spinning around, I stared at him with wide eyes. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He gave me a sympathetic look. "I think you know, you just don't want to admit it. You keep letting your temper get the best of you. It's not your fault, but it affects everyone around you. I can handle it. But what about Bella? She may be strong, but she's still a seventeen-year-old girl. Treat her the same way, and she will get hurt. Is that what you want?"

"I would never hurt Bella!" I glared at him.

"Intentionally, no, " Carlisle agreed. My fingers were itching to break something. He took a deep breath. "But Edward, you need to realize that if you keep lashing out at Bella the way you lash out at me, you might end up scaring her away."

I just stared at him as his words started to sink in. Then I exploded. "She fucking promised me she's not going anywhere!" I shouted, not even thinking as I slammed my fist right into the door frame. There was a sickening, cracking sound, and a wave of indescribable, blinding pain shot through my fingers and all the way up my arm. I was unable to stop a loud groan of pain. "Fuck!"

"Oh for God's sake, this has got to stop!" Carlisle exclaimed. "Let me see." He closed the distance between us and reached out towards my arm. "Try to move your fingers. Can you-" He stopped abruptly as I snatched my hand away with a strangled cry, although this time not from fear or revulsion.

"Don't - it fucking hurts!" I yelled in protest, cradling my throbbing hand against my chest. I looked down, frowning as I noticed its condition. It was already swollen almost twice its size, and my index finger was slightly bent in an unnatural angle.

"What's going on?" Emmett demanded, having appeared in the doorway with his arms full of pizza boxes. Then his eyes landed on my injured hand, and he blanched. "Dude, what the fuck did you do?"

Carlisle closed his eyes, and I got the feeling he was silently counting to ten. "Emmett, please leave the pizzas and go start the car." He turned to me. "I'll go to my office and get you something for the pain. Then we're going straight to the hospital."

My eyes immediately widened in alarm, and I quickly took a step back. "Not the hospital."

He let out an sigh. "Edward, your finger is obviously broken. I'm afraid it's not up for discussion." He gestured for Emmett to go.

"I said, I'm not going to the fucking hospital!" I hissed as I kept backing away, tears welling up in my eyes. The pain was getting worse by the second, and I started to feel dizzy. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough a distraction to keep the panic away. Hospitals meant sedation, lack of control. Faceless strangers everywhere, poking and prodding. Touching me. And nowhere to escape.

That was when I found myself backed up against the wall. Carlisle took a step forward, only to stop as I gave him a look that clearly warned him not to come any closer. He sighed again. "Edward, listen to me. We need to-"

"No!" I cut him off, stubbornly shaking my head. Seeing how he opened his mouth, I hurried on, unable to keep the desperation out of my voice, "Please, don't make me go to the hospital. Just do whatever you need to and fix it here, I can handle it. I'll be good. I promise I won't freak out when you touch me and I won't yell at you again. Please!" I realized I was begging now, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

He shook his head, a pained look on his face. "Edward, I'm sorry, but I can't. The bone needs to be set properly, and I can't do that here. We have to go." He kept talking, but I was no longer listening. Instead I slid down to the floor, wrapping my arms tightly around my body as I tried to ignore the burning pain.

I was vaguely aware of someone gasping and calling out my name, but I didn't look up. Images were flashing in my head, and I was suddenly eleven years old again, curled up on the cold, sterile floor in a hospital back in Chicago. Somehow, I had managed to block that particular memory for all these years, but now it was all coming back.

_My head was aching, my throat was sore, and I couldn't see a thing. I could hear strange voices, loud and frantic, coming from all around me, but I didn't understand what they were saying. I also heard footsteps approaching, and I shrunk back in terror._

And then someone was touching me.


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N:** **I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but thank you all so much for your kind words and wonderful response.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Although I _had_ been missing Alice lately, and did look forward to spending some time with her, I didn't really want to leave Edward. And I could tell the feeling was mutual. In fact, I was pretty sure I actually saw him pout for a brief moment when he didn't think I was looking, which didn't exactly make it any easier for me to step away from him and follow Alice up the stairs.

But somehow, I managed.

"We're going to have so much fun tonight, Bella!" Alice stated, eagerly clapping her hands together. Practically dancing across the room, she threw herself on the large bed, bouncing up and down a few times. I smiled at her enthusiasm, but deep down, I couldn't help but wonder how she could be so overly excited about something as simple as a sleep-over at my house.

I mean, our house paled in comparison to the Cullen mansion, and my entire room would most likely fit into Alice's bathroom.

"You know..." Alice started, as if she had read my mind. "I'm kind of glad we're not staying here tonight. It'll be nice to get away for a while." Seeing my frown, she hurried to add, "Don't get me wrong; I love my family to pieces. But sometimes, it just becomes too much. Know what I mean?"

Actually, I didn't. Since I didn't have any brothers or sisters myself, I couldn't even imagine what it was like to be a part of such a big family. And lately, it had just been me and Charlie. So I shrugged apologetically and shook my head. "Sorry."

Alice sighed, suddenly serious. "Well, there's always something. Mom and Dad have been arguing a lot lately, even though they try to hide it from us. Emmett's been grumpy ever since he and Rose broke up. And Edward's being, well, Edward."

I couldn't keep the silly smile from spreading on my face at the mention of Edward. Of course Alice noticed. She raised her brows, knowingly. I blushed. "Shut up."

Having expected her to start teasing me, I was surprised when she sat up on the bed, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Would you rather spend the night here? I mean, then you could hang out with Edward as well. I'm sure he'd like that." She tried to smile, although it didn't quite reach her eyes, and there was a hint of sadness in her voice.

While a part of me wanted to say yes, I knew I couldn't do that to Alice. So I firmly shook my head. "No, we're going to my house, just like we've planned. Seriously, Alice, I want to hang out with you tonight. Girly movies and Ben & Jerry's." I paused, and somewhat reluctantly added, "You can even do my nails if you'd like."

Her face lit up, and she jumped up from the bed. "What are we waiting for, then? Let's get out of here!"

Five minutes later, we were stumbling down the stairs, half carrying, half dragging Alice's ridiculously large, overstuffed suitcase between us. That was when I heard frantic male voices, coming from the kitchen. The way Alice froze next to me told me she had heard it as well. I glanced at her, and our eyes met. "Edward," was all she said in explanation, and my heart sank.

Without hesitation, I started towards the kitchen. But Alice stopped me by grabbing my arm. "Bella..." I turned to look at her. "He'll be okay, let's just leave," she almost pleaded. I stared at her, incredulously. She let out a sigh. "Bella, come on. If he and my dad are having a conflict, the last thing you want to do is get in the middle. Trust me."

Although I knew she was probably right, I simply couldn't bring myself to just turn and walk out the door, not without making sure Edward was all right. So I ignored Alice's protests and made my way across the room. I stopped by the closed door leading into the kitchen, took a deep breath, and carefully pushed it open so I could peek inside.

The sight that met me caused me to freeze dead in my tracks. "Edward!" I gasped in horror.

He was curled up on the floor with his back pressed against the wall, hunched forward with his face buried between his legs and one hand tugging forcefully at his hair. His entire body was shaking violently, like he was having some kind of seizure, and every now and again he would let out the most gut-wrenching cries, only to start mumbling incoherently in the next moment.

Carlisle was crouching down next to him on the floor. He had one fist pressed against his mouth, possibly in an attempt to keep from crying. His other hand was reaching out towards Edward, hovering in the air above his head as he clearly didn't dare to make contact. It was the most heartbreaking scene I had ever witnessed in my life, and I was unable to hold back a sob.

I didn't even think as I moved into the room, my feet carrying me over the floor until I reached them, and I sank to my knees. "Edward?" I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Bella..." Carlisle's voice cracked and he held up a hand, indicating that I shouldn't come any closer. "Please, just stay back. I understand how you feel, and I know you want to help, but..." His voice trailed off as I raised my own hand and - after a brief moment of hesitation - carefully placed it on Edward's arm.

He went absolutely rigid. A fearful moan escaped him and he instinctively flinched back, the back of his head slamming into the wall behind him. "Edward, it's me!" I cried and scooted closer to him, despite Carlisle's pleading warnings that I needed to back away, that Edward might end up hurting me without even realizing it.

I could hear Alice weeping in the background, but I paid no attention to her. Instead I did the only thing I could think of in that moment; the only thing I knew had calmed Edward down before. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him gently against my body, rocking us both back and forth as I kept murmuring, "I'm here, baby, you're safe. Everything's going to be okay, I've got you."

For about a minute or so, he struggled weakly against me, but then he became still. Although I couldn't tell whether he actually recognized my voice and allowed himself to calm down, or if he had simply ran out of energy. I really had no idea how long he had been going on like this.

The room had become dead silent, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I threw a quick look over my shoulder. Carlisle was still sitting on the floor, although he had let his hand drop, obviously no longer objecting to my presence. I figured he had realized that Edward didn't pose any threat to my safety.

Alice was standing in the middle of the room next to Emmett, grasping her older brother's arm tightly as she was sobbing, quietly. And Emmet just stood there silently, staring at me and Edward with large eyes, his face white as a sheet and his Adam's apple bobbing. I didn't know where Esme was, and a part of me was glad she didn't have to see this. Because it would without doubt have broken her heart.

I turned my attention back to Edward, cradling him gently in my arms and stroking his hair, all the while whispering soothingly in his ear. He still hadn't moved, just sat there stiff as a board, although he had made no further attempt of breaking free. But after what seemed like an eternity, he finally collapsed into my embrace, panting heavily.

"It's okay, it's okay..." I repeated in a trembling voice, over and over again, like a mantra. Edward made no sign to indicate that he heard me. He was still shaking slightly, and his body felt warm against mine, almost feverish. Blinking back my tears, I pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head, running my hand slowly up and down his back.

I don't know how long we just sat there like that. It could have been hours, or just minutes. Finally Carlisle cleared his throat, breaking the silence around us. "Bella, we need to get to the hospital."

"What, why?" I asked in a breathless whisper, tightening my arms around Edward as I felt him tense up again.

It was Emmett who responded, his voice thick. "His hand," he mumbled in explanation, and it sounded like he was close to crying.

I frowned, pulled back a little and looked at Edward in alarm. "What happened to your hand?" His face was blank, unresponsive, and he seemed to be miles away. "Edward, your hand?" I tried again, cupping his cheek and tried holding his gaze. Finally he blinked in confusion, looking down. My eyes followed his, landing on his hand, and I gasped. "Oh my God..."

Suddenly I felt like the room was spinning. I had seen Edward's hands damaged before, in fact, he seemed to hurt them so often that his knuckles always were scraped or bruised, but this went beyond everything I had ever seen. For one thing, it wasn't the dried blood between his fingers that made me queasy - one of his fingers was clearly broken, and I didn't even want to think about the pain he must be in.

"Oh Edward, what did you do?" I breathed, more tears welling up in my eyes when he just watched me apathetically. Things had been fine when I left him to be with Alice - what could possibly have happened in such a short time to cause this? I had no idea, and to be honest, a part of me was afraid to find out.

"Edward?" Carlisle spoke up in an unsteady voice, although I could tell he was trying to hold himself together. "Bella can come if you'd like, but we need to go. Do you understand what I'm saying?" No response. He took a deep breath. "Son, you need to snap out of it and tell me if you understand. Please." Hesitating a little, he then placed his hand carefully on Edward's shoulder.

I held my breath, not sure I could handle another fit of panic. But to my utter relief, it didn't come. I figured Edward was either all right with the contact, or he was just too out of it to realize what was happening. Suspecting it was the latter, I was surprised when he blinked again, slowly turning his eyes to Carlisle. Then came a brief nod.

"All right." I could see Carlisle swallow hard, his eyes darting between Edward's face and the hand still on his shoulder. He addressed me without even looking in my direction, "Bella, would you mind?"

I looked at him in confusion, not understanding what he was asking me. "Would I mind what?" For a moment, I was afraid I would pass out. I felt dizzy, and my heart was beating a lot faster than normal.

He finally tore his eyes away from Edward. "Would you mind coming with us to the hospital?" he clarified, looking concerned as he paused to take in my expression. "Are you feeling all right, Bella? You look a little pale." I just waved my hand in dismissal.

Edward inhaled sharply, his eyes turning to me in alarm. "Bella?" he rasped. It was the first word I had heard him speak since I entered the kitchen, and I nearly broke down at the spot.

"I'm right here," I whispered tearfully, reaching for his uninjured hand and grasping it softly. "We need to go and get you taken care of, okay baby?" I went on, sniffling a little.

He nodded slowly, thankfully appearing to be less dazed than a minute ago. "Will you...?" His voice cracked and he coughed, starting over, "Will you come?" I didn't miss the fearful note in his voice, and his eyes were begging me not to leave him. Like that was even an option. In that moment, wild horses couldn't drag me away from him.

"Yes, of course I'll come," I assured him in a shaky voice. Then I suddenly remembered Alice, and bit my lip, praying she wouldn't be too upset. I turned to look at her, and realized she was still crying, silently. Although I felt sorry for her, Edward was my first priority. "Alice..." I started, apologetically.

"Go," she mumbled, gesturing towards the door before wiping her eyes. I didn't want to leave Edward's side even for a second, otherwise I would have walked over to her and given her a hug.

After asking if I was coming, Edward didn't speak up again. He remained passive, not putting up a fight when I gently tugged on his hand and pulled him to his feet, and he allowed me to lead him out of the house and into the backseat of the car that was already running in the driveway. I was starting to get the exact same feeling I had this morning, when I told him I was going to Phoenix - he was shutting down.

It really scared me when he did that. To tell the truth, I was beyond grateful for Carlisle's presence.

The ride to the hospital was very quick; Carlisle stepped on the gas and drove across town like a madman, and I let out a sigh of relief when he finally turned off the engine and ushered us out of the car. As we approached the hospital entrance, Edward started to tense up again, and when we were about to enter, he started to shake uncontrollably, although he still didn't say a word.

I half expected him to simply turn around and bolt.

Somehow, we managed to get inside. Carlisle told us to stay put, and made his way over to the reception where he spoke quietly with the young woman behind the counter. Then he gestured for us to come. I glanced at Edward, who seemed to be following me and Carlisle blindly through the corridors, his shoulders slumped and his head down. His entire posture screamed defeat, like he had given up.

It was absolutely killing me to see him like that. I didn't understand his obvious fear, but I was willing to do anything to make it go away. Unfortunately, I didn't know how. So I just kept touching him a lot as we walked, mumbling useless words of comfort, and just tried to soothe him with my presence. After all, it had worked before.

Carlisle showed us into a small room, telling us to sit down. It didn't take long before the door opened, and a male nurse entered. "Evening, Dr. Cullen." He then turned to me and Edward with a friendly smile. "Hello, I'm Ben, and I'm working at the ER tonight. I understand there's been a little accident?" He took a step closer, turning to Edward, and held his hand out in greeting.

However, Ben's smile faded and he quickly let his hand drop as Edward immediately shrunk back in alarm, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. I instinctively moved closer to him, placing my hand protectively on his knee. Carlisle watched us for a moment, and then sighed. "Thank you, Ben, but I've got this covered."

Ben looked taken aback. "With all due respect, Dr. Cullen, it's my job to-"

Carlisle cut him off. "I'm sure there are other things for you to do here tonight, Ben. I don't mean to offend you, but I'm in no need of assistance for the moment." I could feel Edward relax slightly next to me as Ben nodded in acceptance and left the room.

"I'm sorry about that." Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose before turning to Edward. "Before we start, I'd like to give you a mild sedative. It'll help you relax, plus it'll take some of the pain away. Is that okay with you?"

Edward's eyes widened in fear, and he started to tremble again. He shook his head, pleadingly. "Please, don't," he whispered, hoarsely. I slid my arm gently around his waist, and he instantly leaned into my touch, gratefully accepting the comfort I was offering.

"It's okay, no one's going to hurt you." I ran my hand tenderly up and down his arm.

Carlisle closed his eyes for a moment. Hesitating a little, he then walked over to us and sat down. He turned to Edward. "Is this about what happened at the hospital back in Chicago? This is different, Edward. There will be no..." He stopped, glancing at me. "May I speak freely in front of Bella? Or would you rather she'd step out for a minute?"

Edward turned his frightened eyes to me, reminding me of a terrified child. Then he quickly shook his head. "I want her to stay," he mumbled. I managed a soft smile, squeezing his hand.

"Very well." Carlisle paused, clearly trying to decide how to begin. "Edward, the last time you were at the hospital, you were in a very bad shape. I realize it may not have seemed that way to you at the time, but I assure you, the doctors and nurses were only trying to help you. I don't know how much you remember. You were confused and disoriented at the time, which is perfectly understandable. Now..."

He kept talking in a low, steady voice, and I struggled to keep up, but my mind had started wandering. I didn't know exactly why Edward had ended up in the hospital in the first place, but I could imagine. His step father must have hurt him badly, worse than ever before. Horrifying images and scenarios were suddenly playing up in my head.

I didn't realize I had started crying until Carlisle stopped himself in the middle of a sentence and turned to look at me. His eyes were tired, yet sympathetic. But it was Edward's reaction that really struck me. He looked at me with wide eyes, the concern evident on his face. Then he raised his hand, gently cupping my face. "Bella..." he whispered.

"I'm sorry..." I swallowed hard, trying to wipe away the tears, but they just kept falling.

"Don't cry," he pleaded, leaning in to rest his forehead against mine, his hand still on my cheek.

For so long, I had felt an almost desperate need to be strong for Edward. And when I couldn't - like now - it made me feel like I was failing him. Yet here he was, broken and traumatized, and still trying to offer me some comfort when he realized I was sad. I wondered if he even understood that my tears were for him.

Maybe he wasn't able to verbally express his feelings for me. But in that moment, despite the circumstances, I realized there was hope. In that moment, for the first time, I actually felt loved.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N:** **Your kind words of encouragement and appreciation is the reason I'm able to keep writing and updating as often as I do. Your reviews mean the world to me and I can never thank you enough. You guys rock! *hugs you all***

**OoO**

**EPOV**

Seeing Bella cry like that was like a wake-up call; I felt like I had spent the last couple of hours in a daze, but somehow, the sight of her tears brought me right back to reality. I knew we were at the hospital, of course, and I vaguely recalled breaking down in the kitchen, but it was all sort of blurry, and now I felt like I had just stepped out of a fog.

"Don't cry," I mumbled pleadingly as I rested my forehead against hers, stroking her cheek and wishing I could just make her pain go away, like she had done for me so many times. She always seemed to know just what to do to make me feel better, but I was at a total loss.

"I'm sorry," she whispered again, and her hand went up to cover mine, still on her cheek. "But I can't help it. When you're hurting, I'm hurting." She sniffled. "And you've been hurt so much. Please, Edward, just let Carlisle help you."

I frowned, glancing at Carlisle who was sitting quietly next to us, having almost forgotten he was there. He looked tired, I noted, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind in that moment. Now he spoke up, softly, "It's just the three of us in here, Edward. Just trust me, and let me give you that shot. I will take care of your hand, make it better. Then we can all go home and rest."

Turning my eyes back to Bella, I watched her give me a nod of encouragement. I let out a shaky sigh, willing the tears to stay away. Although I felt somewhat calmer now, I still dreaded the idea of being put under sedation, even if it was just Carlisle, who I knew wasn't going to hurt me. It was the thought of being out of control, helpless. I had been there before.

_Everything seemed bright, too bright, which was strange, since I couldn't really see anything. But I could hear, though. I heard people talking around me, although I didn't know if they were actually talking to me, because I couldn't understand the words. I didn't recognize any of the voices, and they were just too loud.___

_I didn't know where I was, or what to expect. Was James around here somewhere? Where was my mother? ___

_My entire body was aching, and I realized I couldn't breathe through my nose. I was lying on my back and it seemed like I was in bed, but somehow it just felt wrong; it didn't feel like my own. And the unfamiliar voices kept coming closer.___

_Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump and try to pull away. I wanted to beg whoever it was not to hurt me, but my mouth wouldn't obey me, and all that came out was a whimper. The pressure on my shoulder eased, but then someone was touching my arm, as if to hold me down.___

_I heard a voice close to my ear, "Just relax, it will only hurt for a second." And then there was a sharp, stinging pain in my arm.___

_Panic and fear welled up inside me, overwhelming me, and I let out a strangled cry, somehow managing to snatch my arm away. In a desperate attempt to escape, I scrambled backwards, until I toppled over the edge of the bed and fell to the floor with a silent gasp. All the air left my body at the hard impact, and for a moment, I just laid there, stunned.___

_My head was aching, my throat was sore, and I couldn't see a thing. I could hear the strange voices, loud and frantic, coming from all around me, but I didn't understand what they were saying. I also heard footsteps approaching, and I shrunk back in terror.___

_And then, someone was touching me. I let out a wail, covering my face with my arms and bracing myself for the pain._

A choked sob escaped me, although I somehow managed not to flinch back when I felt Bella's hand on my cheek, gently wiping away the tears I didn't even realize had started to fall. "Fuck this," I muttered, hating the way my voice trembled. "Just give me the shot and get it over with."

I just wanted to be able to leave this fucking place and go home.

Things happened pretty quickly after my reluctant agreement to sedation. Carlisle jumped into action - I assume he decided to act before I got the chance to change my mind - and I remember Bella squeezing my hand and whispering words of comfort in my ear, but other than that, things were pretty much a blur.

One more thing I do remember, though, was the lack of panic. Carlisle kept touching me as he was working on my hand, but he remained calm, making no harsh or sudden movements, and he was talking quietly the whole time, explaining exactly what he was doing. In the end, I wasn't sure whether it was the drugs or his presence that had the most calming effect on me. Maybe it was a tie.

And before I knew it, it was over.

While it was a relief to walk out of the hospital, I was too exhausted to enjoy the feeling of freedom. When we reached the car, Carlisle motioned for me to wait as Bella slipped inside. Casting a look at her, I didn't miss that her eyes were red-rimmed, and there were traces of dried tears on her face. I felt a pang in my chest as I realized she had been crying - again - and I hadn't even noticed.

I had to be the worst fucking boyfriend in the world.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked, softly. I just shrugged and mumbled a short 'okay'. He nodded in understanding. "Considering the circumstances, you did very well. I'm proud of you." I let out a snort. He calmly met my eyes. "I mean it, Edward. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you, but I'm glad you were able to trust me." I just nodded, not knowing what else to say.

Carlisle went on, quietly, "Bella did well, too. She really is a remarkable girl. But what happened tonight is going to be a bit hard for her to take in, and I assume she has a lot of questions. That's why I'd like to ask for your permission to give her some answers, if I can."

"You want to talk to Bella?" I gulped. "About me?"

He nodded. "But only if that's all right with you."

I was quiet for a moment. Not long ago, his words would have caused me to panic. But as I thought about it, I realized I didn't have anything to hide from Bella. Not anymore. Not to mention that - after today - she definitely deserved some answers. And I was actually relieved I wasn't the one who had to give them to her. So I nodded in acceptance. "Okay." I tried to stifle a yawn,

"Thank you." He paused, watching me thoughtfully before pulling out a tiny plastic bag from his pocket and holding it out to me. There were two small white pills inside. "You can take these when we get home. It should make you sleep peacefully throughout the night. I have a feeling you will need it."

I raised a brow in surprise, but didn't object. Carlisle had always been reluctant to giving me sleeping pills; it had only happened a few times over the years. If he thought I would need it tonight, I wasn't about to argue. In fact, the thought of getting to sleep the entire night without interruptions felt pretty good to me. Right now, I wouldn't mind sleeping for a week.

The ride home was fast and uneventful. As soon as I slumped down tiredly in the backseat beside Bella, she scooted over and snuggled up to me, slipping her arm across my chest and resting her head on my shoulder. I felt her soft hair against my cheek, inhaling the sweet smell of her shampoo, and it didn't take long before my eyelids became heavy and started to drop.

The next thing I knew, the engine was off and we were back in the driveway at home.

Esme met us at the door, her eyes welling up and her chin starting to quiver as soon as she spotted me. I managed a weak smile, and her tears spilled over. "Oh, sweetie..." She inhaled, shakily. "Are you all right? How's your hand?" She closed her eyes for a moment. "I've been so worried. How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I admitted, holding up my bandaged hand for her inspection. I swallowed hard, managing to remain still as she ran her fingers softly over the white gauze, never taking her eyes off my face, as if to check for my reaction.

More tears fell down her cheeks. "Does it hurt?" I shook my head. It didn't, at least not for the moment. Esme kept watching me with a sad expression. "Well, you're home now. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? You didn't get to eat before... " Her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes.

I shook my head again, glancing at Bella who had stepped up beside me. "I just want to get some sleep."

"Oh, of course. You must be exhausted." Esme swiped her hand over her cheek, brushing the tears away. She turned to Bella. "What about you, Bella? Do you want something? There's some pizza left, although it's probably cold by now. I can heat it up for you if you'd like."

"Thanks, Esme, but I'm not really hungry," Bella politely declined. She blushed. "Um, I'd like to go upstairs with Edward, if that's all right."

Esme cast a brief look at me, then turned back to Bella. "Sure, honey." A beat. "Listen, Bella, I called your dad and explained the situation to him. I knew he was expecting you and Alice to show up. Oh, and speaking of Alice, I know she would like to see you later, if you don't mind."

Bella nodded in understanding. "Of course. Thank you." She glanced at me, reaching for my uninjured hand. And I gratefully led her towards the stairs.

**OoO******

**BPOV**

I wanted Edward to talk to me, tell me about what happened before, because I still didn't know, and I needed to understand. But as we headed upstairs, I realized I didn't have the heart to ask. He had dozed off in the car on the way back from the hospital, and I could tell he was completely worn out.

Not that I could blame him.

As Edward disappeared to the bathroom, I took the opportunity to give Charlie a call to let him know I was back at the Cullen's, and that I would stay for a while. He took it surprisingly well, and I couldn't help but wonder just what Esme had told him.

Edward returned a couple of minutes later, looking as if he was about to drop on the spot. A wave of sympathy welled up inside me. "You should get some rest," I told him softly.

He nodded in agreement, but remained where he was, an uncertain look on his face. "Are you leaving?" I shook my head. Watching me closely for a moment, he then made his way over to the bed and slumped down with a grimace. "Feel like a fucking idiot," he muttered.

"Don't." I walked over to him and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Edward, it's okay. You have nothing to be ashamed of." He huffed, but didn't say anything. I shrugged, helplessly. "I'm serious. I just wish..." Then I bit my lip, not knowing how to finish.

When he just looked at me with a lost expression, I kicked my shoes off and pulled my legs up, leaning back against the headboard. Then I held out my arm as an invitation, pleased when he immediately curled up against my side, resting his head on my chest. "We can talk later," I mumbled, brushing my lips against his hair and slid my arms around him. "Just close your eyes." He obeyed.

About five seconds later, he was fast asleep.

I squeezed my eyes shut and just sat there, holding him tightly as he slept. Tears were burning behind my eyelids, but I was so tired of crying. It was useless to cry. My tears wouldn't help Edward. He needed my strength, although right now, I didn't feel like I had much left.

God, how I wished I could just go to sleep as well.

A soft knock on the door brought me out of my troubled thoughts. I looked up, and saw Carlisle standing quietly in the doorway. He offered me a gentle smile, and glanced at Edward's still form. "Is he asleep?"

I just nodded, not wanting to speak in fear of waking him up. Carlisle nodded in understanding. "I figured it wouldn't take long." A pause. "Bella, would you mind coming downstairs? There are a few things I would like to discuss with you. I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about." His eyes ran over Edward again, and I didn't miss the pained look on his face.

My eyes widened in alarm, and I shook my head, pleadingly. "Please, I don't want to leave him," I whispered, praying Carlisle would understand that I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I just couldn't stand the thought of Edward waking up all alone, possibly from a nightmare. I needed to be there for him.

"I understand." To my relief, Carlisle didn't seem upset with me. He went on, softly, "But Bella, you don't have to worry. I gave him something that will help him sleep, and he should be out for the entire night. It's okay for you to leave him. He won't wake up."

"Oh." I hesitated a little. "Okay. I'll be right down." Nodding in acceptance, Carlisle then turned around and left the room. I reluctantly let go of Edward, slipping out of the bed as carefully as possible, just in case he would be disturbed by my movement. But he just kept sleeping, his breathing calm and even. I stood there watching him for almost a minute. In that moment, he looked completely peaceful.

Carlisle was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. As he saw me, he motioned for me to follow him. "Let's to into my room."

Once we were inside the office, he closed the door behind us. Then he gestured for me to sit down. When I obeyed, he sat down as well. I suddenly felt very nervous. Not because I wasn't comfortable around Carlisle, but because I was afraid of what he had to say. I swallowed. "So, you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes." He nodded. I could tell he was debating with himself on how to begin. Finally he spoke up. "After what happened before in the kitchen, I feel compelled to explain some things to you. About Edward, and his behavior." I opened my mouth, but he raised a hand, indicating that he wasn't finished. "I want you to know that I've asked for his permission to talk to you. And he agreed."

I frowned, having not seen that coming. "Really?" He nodded again. "Wow." I was quiet for a moment. "Does that mean that I can ask you some questions?"

"Of course." He gave me a sympathetic smile. "I can imagine you have a lot on your mind at the moment. Why don't you start by telling me what you're thinking right now?"

"Um..." My head felt like it was spinning, and I slumped back into the couch. "That I'm... confused."

"That is perfectly understandable."

I nodded. "This feels kind of wrong, though, talking to you about Edward. Like I'm going behind his back or something." Carlisle didn't say anything, just waited for me to continue. I let out a sigh. "But I do have questions. And I know it would upset him to talk about it. So..." I shrugged, awkwardly. "Did you know that he told me a little about..." I swallowed, "...his past?"

"Yes, he told me." Carlisle watched me with an unreadable expression. "How did it make you feel, hearing about it?"

"How do you think?" I realized I was raising my voice, but I couldn't help myself. "God, I can't even..." I shook my head. "How can anyone be so horrible? So... so _cruel_? I mean, he was just a little boy! I can't..." I started crying.

"There are a lot of sick and twisted people out there," Carlisle stated in a low voice. "The world doesn't always make sense. And if you think about it too much, it is bound to drive you insane. Believe me, Bella, I've lost a lot of sleep over the years, dwelling about the injustice of it all."

I wiped at my face. "Is it even possible to get over something like that?" I silently begged him to say 'yes'. But deep down, I was having doubts. I feared that a part of Edward would always remain broken, damaged beyond repair by the cruel actions of a heartless monster.

"If there's one thing I've learned, it is that we can never allow ourselves to lose hope." Carlisle leaned back against the cushions, a grave look on his face. "Bella, do you remember when I asked you about your intentions regarding Edward?"

"Uh-huh." My cheeks flushed slightly.

He looked somewhat sheepish. "I have to admit, that was one of the most frightening moments in my life."

I stared at him, incredulously. "Why?"

"Because I had just witnessed something I never would've thought possible." He looked me right in the eyes.

"Right." I nodded slowly, understanding dawning on me. "You're talking about Edward letting me touch him."

Carlisle shook his head. "At first I thought I was just imagining things. That it couldn't possibly..." His voice trailed off, and he stared out into the distance. "When he first came to live with us, he would panic whenever someone got too close. All it took was for someone to accidentally walk up behind him, taking him by surprise. And should he find himself trapped against a wall, or in a corner, he would crumble. It used to take hours before we could even get any contact with him again. It was like he would shut himself off, locking himself up in his mind, where no one could reach him."

The tears rolled freely down my cheeks now. I waited for Carlisle to go on, because I knew my voice wouldn't hold if I tried to speak.

When he continued, it sounded as if he was close to tears himself. "As he got older, he started reacting violently, acting out. At first I thought it was a good sign. But he never fully trusted us. And he would never accept any kind of physical contact." He paused. "But something has changed. _He_ has changed. When I saw the two of you sitting close together, holding hands..."

He looked at me, his eyes shining. "It gave me hope. And I will not allow myself to lose it again." I sniffled, but remained silent. Carlisle went on, "You love him." It wasn't a question.

Swallowing, I nodded. "More than anything."

"I believe you." He put his hand on my arm, squeezing softly. "And that's why I think you deserve to hear the full story."


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N:****I just found out Loner has been nominated at the Shimmer Awards, in the category Climax Award (best drama). Wow! I don't know what to say, I'm speechless. To whoever nominated it - thank you so much! **

I often get asked in reviews when I'll be posting the next chapter. I'm trying to update every 4-5 days. A huge thanks to all of you who have taken time to leave me a review.

OoO

**BPOV**

I stared at Carlisle with wide eyes, wondering if I had somehow misunderstood him. He had just told me that I deserved to hear the full story. About Edward? Did that mean I was about to find out everything about his past? I gulped, feeling a chill travel down my spine. Suddenly I was terrified.

While a part of me wanted - needed - to know, in order to understand Edward better and be able to help him, I was also afraid of what knowing the truth would do to me. Would I be able to handle it? Could I actually sit here and listen to the horrifying details of what Edward had been through, without falling apart?

I honestly didn't know.

Carlisle must have sensed my distress, because his eyes turned sympathetic. "Bella, I will not go into detail. I'm not going to sit here and discuss the abuse Edward has suffered by the hand of that pitiful excuse for a man. To tell the truth, even _I_ don't know everything, and even if I did, it wouldn't be my story to tell."

I frowned. "But you said-"

"Yes," he cut me off, his eyes darkening. "There are certain things I think you need to know, and I'm going to do my best to explain." A pause. "Has Edward ever told you about how he came to live with us?" When I shook my head, he started explaining, "Almost seven years ago, I was offered the opportunity to work a couple of months at a hospital in Chicago. I accepted right away."

"Wow. That's..." I hesitated, "...pretty far away." I couldn't help but wonder what could possibly make anyone leave his wife and children to go working thousands of miles away, even if it was just temporarily.

"It is," he agreed. "In my defense, I was not in a good place back then, and I felt like I needed to get away for a while. It seemed like a wise decision at the time, and Esme agreed." There was a pause. "Anyway, I went to Chicago. And one night, a couple of weeks after I started working there, Edward was brought in."

I held my breath. Carlisle looked away as he continued, "If I said he was in a bad shape, it would be a huge understatement. One of the first things you learn in medical school is never to get personally attached to your patients. It was a rule I lived by, until that night."

He went on in a hollow, monotone voice, "Even if the police hadn't been involved, you could tell by the number and extent of his injuries that he hadn't been hurt by accident. There were old scars, all over his back and chest. And his face..." Carlisle closed his eyes. "Well, it didn't take long for us to figure out that a family member was behind it. And then the police showed up, confirming our suspicions."

My eyes were stinging, but - surprisingly enough - dry. "What about... his mother?" The last part came out as a whisper.

But apparently Carlisle heard me, as his eyes turned to me. "Has he ever mentioned her?"

I bit my lip, and nodded. "Just briefly. He told me her name, but that was pretty much it."

Carlisle was quiet for a moment. "Have you ever heard the term PPD? Postpartum depression?" It did sound familiar, like I had heard it somewhere, possibly in school. But I wasn't sure of the meaning. So I shook my head.

He explained, "It's a form of clinical depression that can affect women after giving birth. It sometimes makes them unable to connect with the baby. Edward's birth mother - Elizabeth - was medically treated for PPD about a month after he was born." He paused. "Over the next four years, she went in and out for treatment. And every time, they sent her back home after a few days."

"What happened after the four years?" I had a sinking feeling I already knew, but I had to ask.

Carlisle's face turned grim. "She met a man. A couple of months later, she was married." A beat. "And apparently, somewhere along the way, she stopped taking her medication."

I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. According to Carlisle, Edward's mother had married James when he was four years old. Did that mean he had been beaten and abused for seven years? My bottom lip started to tremble. "Please, tell me he..." I stopped and covered my mouth with my hand, unable to continue.

Somehow, Carlisle seemed to understand what I couldn't bring myself to ask out loud. "I can't tell you whether Elizabeth's husband became abusive right away, or if it started when Edward got older. Because I don't know." He took a deep breath. "Esme and I have both tried to get some more information out of Edward over the years, as have the therapists he has been seeing. But..."

I opened my mouth, but he went on, quietly, "From what he _has_ shared with us - and it's not much - I've gotten the impression that he doesn't really remember how or when it all started."

At the mention of therapists, I suddenly recalled something Edward had told me the other day. "I asked him about therapy." I kept my eyes on my hands, folded in my lap. "He said you and Esme were hoping the shrinks would cure him, but that it didn't work." Carlisle's eyes widened slightly. "Did you know he blames himself for what happened?" I sniffled, glancing at him.

"We suspected as much." He let out a shuddering breath. "When he was younger, he was terrified of doing something wrong. It could be something as simple as accidentally spilling a glass of milk. He would..." Carlisle swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "He would panic and start repeating that he was bad, pleading with us not to punish him."

A choked sob escaped my throat. "I don't know if I can take anymore of this," I whispered.

"I don't blame you for finding this information upsetting," Carlisle told me softly. "I feel the same way. We all do." He looked me right in the eyes. "Let's go back to how Edward ended up in our care." I nodded, watching him expectantly.

"It took almost three days before Elizabeth finally showed up at the hospital. And it was obvious from the start that she was more upset about being questioned by the police than by her son's condition." He sighed. "Naturally, Social Services got involved. I had been spending the last two days with Edward, and I can't really explain it, but I instantly felt a connection of some kind. So when they started talking about foster care, I volunteered."

"Foster care?" I was confused. "But I thought Edward was adopted."

"He is," Carlisle confirmed. "But not right away. These things take time. Elizabeth was never a problem, though." He shook his head, angrily. "She would've gladly signed the adoption papers right away. In fact, she seemed relieved when she found out Edward wasn't coming home with her. I think, deep down, she realized she wasn't capable of caring for a child. She completely lacked empathy, and could only see to his basic physical needs, not the psychological."

"What does that mean?" I felt like I should understand, but I didn't.

"It means that while she was able to provide him with basic supplies, like food and clothes, she couldn't show him any kind of love or compassion. It's not uncommon when you suffer from PPD, but with proper medication and treatment, it would've been possible for her to keep the balance, act like a mother and protect her child." Carlisle's eyes darkened. "Then a lot of damage would've been avoided."

I felt sick to my stomach. "Are you saying she knew what her husband was doing to Edward?"

The pain in Carlisle's eyes was more than obvious. "She denied any knowledge at first. But then it came out. She was well aware. I asked Edward about it once, a few years back." His voice was thick as he continued, "He said she would sometimes come stand in the doorway, watching. And then she would leave."

Squeezing my eyes shut, I started sobbing, silently. Carlisle went on, quietly, "The court put a restraining order on her, but I seriously doubt she would've tried contacting him." He shook his head. "Edward didn't speak much during his stay at the hospital, but he did ask me once if his mother was coming." A beat. "I couldn't bring myself to tell him she had already been there, and didn't even ask to see him."

I wiped at my eyes, thinking that Edward's anxiety and trust issues started to make more and more sense. My head was starting to hurt, but I tried to ignore it. "Where is she now?"

"She's still living in Chicago." I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. It didn't matter, though. Truth be told, as long as she stayed the hell away from Edward, I wasn't really interested in her whereabouts.

A part of me didn't want to hear anymore, but there was still one thing I didn't understand. "What happened before in the kitchen? I've seen Edward have panic attacks before, but never anything like this. Why did he... freak out like that?"

"I'm sure you've already discovered that Edward can be somewhat..." Carlisle hesitated a little, "...emotionally unstable, and he can't always control his temper. It's not his fault. He suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder - or PTSD - which is not unusual when it comes to abuse victims."

My eyes widened - this was news to me. I'd heard about PTSD, and was somewhat familiar with the concept, but for some reason, I hadn't made the connection with Edward. But as I thought about it, the pieces were falling into place. "But that's treatable, right? I mean, surely there has to be something you can give him to make it better?"

He sighed. "Yes, and no. There are ways to ease the symptoms - by medication. In fact, we've tried, several times over the years. But I had to take him off every time, because in the long run, it didn't really help him. Medical treatment alone isn't enough. What Edward needs is love, support and therapy. Unfortunately, he has always been unresponsive to all of the above. It's like he won't allow himself to move on."

Realizing he was right, I felt my heart sink. "Are you saying there's nothing we can do to help him?"

Carlisle shook his head. "Bella, don't you see? You _are_ helping him. Probably a lot more than you realize. For the first time, I see a change in him. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like he's finally found a reason to start living - he just doesn't know how. And that's where you come in."

I frowned. "I'm not sure I understand."

He smiled, softly. "You're doing just fine, Bella. Just keep doing what you've done so far - be there for him." A pause. "And give him a chance to be there for _you_, as well." He must have seen my confusion, because he explained, "He needs you, there's no question about it. But when you're in a relationship, it's important to feel that you're not only taking, but also giving something back."

I nodded, seeing his point. In theory, I agreed. In all honesty, there were things I really wanted to share with Edward - like how I felt about going back to Phoenix - but I was reluctant, because I felt he had enough to deal with without adding my petty problems to the mix. But then again, maybe that should be up to Edward to decide.

Maybe I wasn't giving him enough credit. Carlisle was right; I _should_ give Edward a chance to be there for me. "Yeah, I see what you mean." I tried to suppress a yawn, but failed.

"You're tired." He gave me an sympathetic look. "I don't blame you. It's been quite an eventful afternoon, and I realize this is a lot of information for you to process." He paused. "You are most welcome to stay the night, by the way."

I really wanted to accept his offer, but I hesitated. "Um, I'd love to, but I'm not sure Charlie would agree to me sleeping here two nights in a row." His expression turned into one of confusion. My eyes widened and I blushed furiously when I realized he didn't know Edward had asked me to spend the night tomorrow. Talk about taking Carlisle's hospitality for granted. I cringed with embarrassment.

Luckily, Carlisle wasn't stupid, nor was he easily offended. "I see. Well, you can always come by tomorrow morning if you'd like. You're always welcome here, Bella. And I'm sure Alice would love to spend some time with you as well."

I bit my lip. "Actually, I was hoping to get to talk to Alice a bit tonight, before I go home." To tell the truth, I didn't really feel like just going home after everything that had happened, and if I knew Alice right, she would need someone - aside from her family - to talk to as well.

"Oh." He nodded in understanding. "Of course, I'm sure she'd like that. However, before you go see her, there is still one more thing I believe you should be aware of." After a brief moment of silence, he went on, "As for the incident in the kitchen, there were a few things that triggered Edward's breakdown. One of them was - obviously - his fear of hospitals." I remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

A moment later, he did, "It's related to him staying in one for about a week, after he was taken away from his home, almost seven years ago. It was a traumatic experience for him." He sighed. "And as for today, I'm afraid I'm a part of the reason he hurt himself in the first place." I blinked in confusion, and he clarified, "By bringing up the possibility of him involuntarily scaring you away with his blowups."

"Why would you tell him something like that?" I stared at him in shock. "I could never leave Edward for something that's not even his fault!" Lowering my eyes, I added, quietly, "I would never leave him, period."

"I believe you." Carlisle let out another sigh. "But Edward needs to learn that his actions will have consequences. Lashing out at the people who are trying to help may be a natural defense mechanism - and a somewhat understandable reaction - but it's not healthy in the long run, and more importantly, it's not fair to those who repeatedly get exposed to his anger. In this case, his family - and you."

"Right." In a way, I could understand what he meant. But it still bothered me to think of Edward actually believing there was even the slightest possibility of me walking out on him after everything we had been through together. It just wouldn't happen, and I wanted him to know that. I made a mental note to talk to him about it as soon as I got the chance.

Five minutes later, I knocked softly on Alice's door. "Alice? Can I come in?"

The door swung open. "Bella? I thought you went home." Alice tried to smile, although it didn't quite reach her eyes. All traces of her usual energy and enthusiasm were gone. For some reason, that bothered me more than I liked to admit. She took a step back, gesturing for me to enter. "How's Edward? Is he okay?"

"Um, yeah." I hesitated. "Well, he's better, anyway. We went to the hospital, and Carlisle patched him up. He's asleep now." She nodded in understanding, looking relieved. I walked into the room. "What about you, Alice? Are you okay? I'm so sorry about the sleep-over."

I wasn't sure what I had been expecting, but I was unprepared for her reaction. Her eyes narrowed, and she suddenly looked angry. "Do you really believe I care about that, Bella? I mean, my brother was brought to the hospital, just hours ago, and you think I'm upset about missing a sleep-over? God, how superficial do you think I am?"

Alice went on before I got the chance to object, "Sure, I suppose I can be a bit shallow sometimes, but I'm not completely heartless. It's not like I'm... like I'm..." she threw her arms in the air in frustration, "...Rosalie!"

A little stunned by her outburst, I now frowned. "What does Rosalie have to do with any of this?"

"Well, nothing, I guess." Alice let out a bitter laugh, although she seemed to have calmed down a little. "Except that Emmett only broke up with her in the first place because she was being disrespectful towards Edward. And I haven't even talked to her in weeks. She used to be my friend, and I really liked her. Hell, I still miss her. But I can't be friends with someone who treats my family badly."

I just stared at her, my mouth hanging wide open, because I had no idea how to respond to this revelation.

Rosalie had avoided me like the plague, ever since I told her off for her cruel and thoughtless comment in the cafeteria, all those weeks ago. I had noticed that she had stopped coming to their house, and I couldn't even remember when I last saw her hanging out with Alice at school. But I didn't realize they had severed the ties completely. After all, Alice and Rosalie had been pretty close.

"Yeah..." She shrugged at my reaction. "Guess you didn't think Emmett and I cared. Well, you're wrong."

"What? No!" I raised my hands in defense, my cheeks turning hot. "Alice, I never said-"

She cut me off, sighing, "God, Bella, I'm sorry. I'm just kinda sad right now, I don't mean to take it out on you. Forget I said anything."

I waved her apology off. "It's okay. But really, Alice, I never meant to imply that you don't care about Edward. I know you do." She nodded, and I could tell my words had placated her. I hesitated a little. "Were you serious about Emmett breaking up with Rosalie because of what she said about Edward?" Alice nodded again. "Wow." I hadn't seen that coming.

"Look, I'm really glad you were here before." Alice walked over to the bed and sat down. She let out a gust of air. "And I'm sorry for turning into a bitch. It's wonderful that you and Edward have become so close, really. I just..." She looked away. "I guess I just feel a bit hurt. I mean, he's obviously comfortable with you. But I've known Edward for years. Why won't he talk to me? What am I doing wrong?"

My eyes widened in surprise at her words, because I had no idea Alice felt like that. I wrung my hands, awkwardly. "I don't think it's because of you, Alice. It's just hard for him to let other people in."

"But I'm not 'other people'," Alice protested. "I'm his sister."

"I know." I sat down next to her. "Just don't give up, okay? He needs you, whether he's aware of it or not." She gave me a grateful smile. I yawned, and glanced at my watch. It was getting late. "I should probably go home. Rain check on the sleep-over? I really want us to hang out more." I realized I actually meant it.

"Sure." Alice eyed me hopefully. "Hey, maybe we could do something tomorrow. I know you're supposed to spend the night with Edward, but I thought maybe we could just have lunch or something..." Her voice trailed off, uncertainly.

I quickly nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that. How about I come over after breakfast? Then we can decide what to do."

"Sounds like a plan!" She clapped her hands together, and for the first time since I stepped into the room, Alice sounded like her old self.


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for your wonderful support and reviews! **

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**EPOV**

When I woke up the next morning, I felt groggy and slightly disoriented, but at least my hand didn't hurt as much as it had yesterday. I remained in bed for a couple of more minutes, carefully moving my arm up and down to see if the movement would cause the blinding pain to return. Thankfully, it didn't.

Casting a look at the alarm clock, I did a double take when the red digital numbers told me I had been sleeping for almost fifteen hours. I struggled to get up without using my injured hand, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, and shook my head in a weak attempt to clear it.

I didn't want to think about yesterday's events, but the memories came crashing over me and wouldn't leave me alone. Talking to Carlisle in the kitchen. Freaking out and punching the wall. Pain. Darkness.

Bella.

I recalled Bella's calm, soft voice, anchoring me and keeping me from drifting away completely, somehow bringing me back to the present. And after that, she hadn't left my side - not only had she gone to the hospital with me, holding my hand the entire time, but she also returned to the house with us afterwards, only to end up holding me as I fell asleep.

Now I couldn't help but feel a small pang of loss. Not that I had actually expected her to spend the whole night here in my room - I figured she would have to go home at some point, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like a part of myself was missing when she wasn't around.

Suddenly I remembered Carlisle telling me he wanted to talk to Bella, and I felt a wave of uneasiness come over me. How much had he told her? And more importantly, what had she been thinking? For a moment, I contemplated giving her a call, but the coward in me decided against it.

To tell the truth, I was terrified of finding out how their conversation had played out. And at the same time, I knew it was too exhausting to keep parts of my past from Bella; constantly waiting for her to ask something I didn't know how to answer. Constantly worrying about her reaction. I was fucking fed up with it all.

Somewhat reluctantly, I got out of bed. Seeing how I had fallen asleep in my clothes last night, I decided to head straight to the bathroom - not that I was completely sure how to shower with just one usable hand, but I figured I would just have to improvise. I grabbed some clean boxers from my drawer, a pair of jeans and t-shirt from the closet, and left the room.

Ten minutes later, I made my way down the stairs. The door to the kitchen was open, and I could hear voices coming from inside. I was about to enter, but stopped myself as I heard my name being mentioned. A part of me felt bad for eavesdropping, but I just couldn't help myself. Wanting to know what I had been about to walk into, I made sure to stay out of sight.

"It's out of the question, Carlisle," Esme stated in a trembling voice. "You can't be serious about us still going to Seattle after what happened yesterday."

"I admit, that was my first reaction as well," Carlisle told her patiently. "But I've given it some thought, and I think maybe we should just go as planned. I don't want Edward to feel like he's the one keeping us from going, and believe me, I wouldn't even consider leaving the kids if I didn't think they could handle it."

"But what if something else happens and we're not here?" Esme protested. "I wouldn't be able to relax for a minute."

I heard Carlisle let out a sigh. "But you've been looking forward to this event for weeks."

"Do you think I actually care about that?" Esme sounded incredulous. "There will always be the next time. Besides, Edward is much more important to me than any charity event."

"I never suggested otherwise." There was a hint of irritation in Carlisle's voice. "Don't you think I feel the same-"

"You know, you could always just ask me, instead of arguing about me behind my back," I spoke up from the doorway, having heard enough. Carlisle and Esme both spun around to face me, the same guilty expression mirroring their features. I rolled my eyes and entered the kitchen, stepping past them and heading for the fridge.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Good morning, Edward. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm fine." I raised my bandaged hand for him to see. "Barely hurts at all." There was a plate with leftover pizza in the fridge and I grabbed a slice, somehow resisting the urge to shove the whole thing into my mouth. I was fucking starving.

"Let me heat that up for you," Esme offered, but I shook my head and took a large bite, too hungry to wait another second. I felt like I hadn't eaten in a week. Picking up the whole plate, I closed the fridge and walked over to the table. Cold pizza had never seemed very appealing to me before, but right now, it tasted amazing. Then again, I probably could've devoured just about anything in that moment.

Placing a cup of coffee on the table in front of me, Esme then sat down as well. I nodded in thanks, and she gave me a small smile. She hesitated a little before she spoke up, "We didn't mean to make it seem like we were talking about you behind your back, sweetie. We were just..." she glanced at Carlisle, "...discussing our options for the weekend."

"You don't have to stay home on my account." I took a sip of my coffee, grimacing as the hot beverage burned my tongue. Honestly, I didn't see what it was to discuss. They were all packed and ready to go. Not to mention that the thought of them canceling their plans because of me was beyond humiliating. "I'll try not to punch another hole in the wall," I added sarcastically, putting the cup down.

Esme opened her mouth, but Carlisle beat her to it, "Edward, when I asked how you were feeling today, I wasn't just referring to your hand. You had quite a traumatic experience yesterday, and you are fully entitled to feel a bit off today. No one would blame you."

I just shrugged uncomfortably, keeping my eyes on what was left of the pizza slice in my hand.

He sighed, but continued, "After you went to sleep, I spoke with Bella, and..." he glanced at me as my eyes shot to his face, clearly pleased to have my attention, "...it came to my understanding that she is set on spending the night here. Am I correct to assume it was you and not Alice who invited her?"

My first reaction was relief - whatever had been said between him and Bella last night, it looked like she still wanted to come over tonight. I nodded, somewhat warily.

"Well, Bella can still come, of course, even if we're not going," Esme assured me softly. "She's always welcome here." I honestly didn't know what she was hoping for me to say - that I was perfectly all right with them leaving, or that I wanted them to stay.

"Edward?" Carlisle saved me from having to respond to Esme's statement. "How do you feel about this? Now it's important that you're being honest. We don't have to go to Seattle. Just say the word and we'll stay - none of us will be upset. What Esme said is true; you mean a lot more to us than this trip." I glanced at Esme, who nodded in agreement.

I felt a lump in my throat at his words, because I could tell they were being sincere. The familiar feeling of doubt and guilt threatened to well up inside me, and I could hear the little voice inside my head, whispering that I didn't deserve their kindness. But for once, I made an honest attempt to ignore it. "You should go," I told them awkwardly. "I'll be okay. Really." And I meant it.

Carlisle and Esme looked at each other, clearly still torn. "Bella will be here," Carlisle stated, as if trying to convince Esme it would be all right.

"Well, in that case..." Esme cleared her throat. "While I admit that makes me feel a bit better, I would still like to discuss sleeping arrangements." She cast an uncertain look at me. I just looked at her blankly, not understanding where she was going with this. Obviously seeing my confusion, she added, "What I want to know is, where is Bella going to sleep? In the guestroom, or...?"

My eyes widened as realization finally hit me. She was wondering if Bella would be sleeping in my room. To tell the truth, I hadn't even given it a moment's thought. Naturally, I wanted her to stay with me. But in that case, should I make the couch for her? Or should I offer her my bed, and sleep on the couch myself? Or...?

Bella and I had been in the same bed together and fallen asleep before, the other day at her house. But the thing was - we had just been _on_ the bed at the time, on top of the covers, both of us fully dressed. This would be different. Now we would actually have to get ready for bed, and get under the covers.

"I'm sure Edward and Bella are fully capable of working out an arrangement they will both be comfortable with," Carlisle said calmly, snapping me out of my thoughts before the panic could set in. He gave Esme a pointed look, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Yes, I'm sure you're right." I couldn't quite read Esme's expression, but judging by her strained voice, I got the feeling she was a bit annoyed with Carlisle. She turned to me, her face softening. "I'm sorry, Edward, I don't mean to give you the third degree. I was just wondering. I'm sure whatever you and Bella decide will be fine."

Before I got the chance to respond, Alice came rushing into the kitchen. "Morning! Bella's on her way. I told her she could have breakfast with us." She came to a halt when she spotted me. "Oh, hey Edward. Are you-"

"Fine," I cut her off, unable to hide my impatience. "Bella's coming here? Now?"

"Uh-huh." She gave me a somewhat uncertain look. "We were just gonna hang out for a couple of hours. You don't mind, do you?"

I frowned, thinking this was not the same Alice who had firmly informed me she and Bella were going to have a 'girls night only' yesterday. It was like she suddenly lacked her usual confidence, and I found myself actually feeling bad for her. After all, she had missed her sleep-over last night because of me. I sighed. "No, I don't mind. Why would I?" She immediately perked up.

As Alice all but skipped over to the fridge, I turned my attention back to my breakfast - if you could really call leftover pizza breakfast. The next ten minutes or so were spent in a comfortable silence. When the doorbell rang, Alice and I jumped up at the same time. Then I stopped myself, remembering that Bella was actually here to see Alice, not me.

Seeing my hesitation, Alice rolled her eyes in a goodhearted manner. "Go," she said, waving her hand towards the door as she patiently sat back down.

I raised a brow in surprise, although she didn't have to tell me twice. "Thanks." I tried not to stumble over my own feet in my eager to leave the room.

Bella was standing out on the porch, and her face lit up when she saw me. "Hi," she greeted me softly, giving me an almost shy smile as she entered the house. After a brief moment's hesitation, she took a step towards me, and I automatically walked right into her embrace, wrapping my arms around her and resting my cheek at the top of her head.

She let out a content sigh, and we just stood like that for a while, holding each other. Then she pulled back a little, her eyes searching mine. "How are you? Did you sleep okay? I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up."

I didn't think twice before brushing my lips gently against hers. "Don't worry about it. I'm okay. Slept the entire night, and then some."

"That's good. You needed it." Bella bit her lip. "Edward-"

"Thank you," I interrupted her, looking her right in the eyes. "For, you know..." I shrugged and lowered my eyes, only to look up when I felt Bella's warm hand on my cheek.

She gave me a sad smile. "Edward, you don't have to thank me. I'll always be there for you. Don't you know that by now?"

"Yeah, I'm starting to see that." I tried to smile, although it came out more like a grimace. "Still not used to the idea, though. Have patience with me?"

"Always." Her lips found mine again, and I responded by simply squeezing her tighter.

Finally I pulled back, although most reluctantly. "Alice is waiting for you in the kitchen," I muttered regretfully, wishing I could just keep Bella in my arms all day. "We'd better go."

"Do we have to?" There was a playful note in her voice, although I had a feeling she was only half joking. It made me feel all warm inside to realize Bella was enjoying our moment just as much as I did. Well, hopefully, there would be more time for cuddling tonight. Unless she was having second thoughts.

"You haven't changed your mind about spending the night here, have you?" I asked, not able to keep the fear completely out of my voice. No matter how much I tried convincing myself I had nothing to worry about when it came to Bella, I suppose a part of me would always subconsciously assume the worst.

Bella shook her head. "Of course not." She blushed, adding in a soft voice, "Actually, I can hardly wait."

My smile of relief turned into a wide grin, and I reached for her hand. "Come on, before Alice comes looking for you." She snorted, but allowed me to lead her into the kitchen.

"Bella!" Alice waved and smiled excitedly when we entered the room. I just rolled my eyes and returned to the table. Picking up my half empty cup, I realized my coffee had become cold, and put it back down with a sigh.

"Is there any coffee left?" I asked, casting a hopeful look towards the coffee maker.

"At least half a pot, if I'm not mistaken," Carlisle responded, reaching for my cup. Before I got the chance to tell him I could get it myself, he was up, his hand resting briefly on my shoulder as he passed me. When he stopped by the coffee maker, he glanced at me, and I could tell he was searching my face for my reaction. I knew then that he hadn't just touched me by accident - he was testing the water.

I had frozen and automatically opened my mouth to snap at him, but something made me stop, and I closed my mouth again. Somehow, Carlisle's touch didn't bother me like it used to, and I suddenly couldn't see the point in telling him off. So I just picked up another slice of pizza, and tried focusing on eating. Thankfully, it seemed like no one else had noticed.

Esme offered Bella a glass of orange juice and some toast, and she gratefully accepted, sitting down next to me and giving me a smile. I caught Alice's eyes darting between me and Bella. However, she didn't appear to be upset. Still, I chose to ignore her.

"So, Bella, what do you wanna do after breakfast?" Alice pushed her half empty bowl of cereal away, and turned to Bella with a hopeful look on her face. "Go shopping?"

Bella's smile faltered a little, and she picked up her glass. "Um, no?" She let out a nervous laugh. "Can't we just do something that doesn't require a lot of walking? It's still early, and I'm a little tired. How about we just..." she thought quickly, "...go back to my place? Charlie's not home. We could watch a movie or something, you know, just hang out."

Alice looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded in acceptance. "Yeah, okay. I'd like that." They kept talking but I had stopped listening, instead reaching for the morning paper, although I wasn't really interested in reading it. I had no idea what I was going to do to pass the time until Bella returned, and I was already getting restless.

When Alice and Bella finally got up, announcing that they were leaving, I looked up from the article I was skimming through and tossed the paper to the side. "I'll walk you out," I told Bella quietly, giving Alice a look that dared her to object. But she just shrugged, saying she was going to run upstairs anyway and get her jacket.

If I didn't know better, I'd say she wanted to give me and Bella a moment of privacy.

Once we were outside, Bella and I slowly walked towards her truck that was parked in the driveway. I gave the rusty, old monstrosity a skeptical look. "Sure it won't break down on the way back?"

She mock glared at me. "Yes, I'm sure. I'll have you know, I haven't had a problem with it for weeks."

"Right." I wasn't totally convinced, but decided to let it go, and changed the subject, "So, what do you wanna do tonight?"

Bella bit her lip, clearly considering my question. "I don't know. Hang out? Talk?" She smiled. "Maybe eat ice-cream? Oh, and cookies!" Her smile turned into a grin. Before I could respond, Alice came running, calling out that she was ready. Bella gave me a quick peck on the lips. "Gotta go. See you later!" And then she was gone.

As I made my way back to the house, I suddenly got an idea. Not only would it keep me occupied for a couple of hours, and hopefully keep my mind off some of the things I'd rather not think about, but it would also show Bella how much she meant to me.


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N:****Thank you all so much for your reviews, I'm sorry I can't respond to all of them. I've been really busy this week, barely had time to write on the chapter. But I finally managed to finish it, so here it is.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

"So, how do you feel about going to Arizona next weekend?" Alice eyed me carefully before she went back to rummaging through my CD cases.

"Honestly?" I grimaced, slumping back against the pillows on my bed. "I really don't want to go. But it's not like I have any choice."

Alice turned to look at me over her shoulder. "You always have a choice, Bella. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can decide how to live your life."

"Did you read that somewhere, or did you just make it up?" I teased. Alice snorted, but didn't comment. I sobered up. "I know; no one's actually forcing me to go. But Phil is expecting me to come, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Besides..." I lowered my eyes. "I feel like I owe it to my mom."

She nodded in understanding, her eyes sympathetic. "It will be hard for you, going back there." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah, well..." I shrugged, putting on a brave smile. "I'm sure I can handle it. I mean, it still hurts when I think of her, but it gets easier each day. I was a mess in the beginning, but I'm better now. Hey, I barely even get headaches anymore." It was true, I hadn't had to take any painkillers for over a week.

"That's great, Bella, but..." Alice hesitated a little. "Look, I don't mean to be a downer, but you've had a lot of other things on your mind lately, keeping you occupied. Now you're going away for a couple of days, and it's all bound to come back to you."

I sighed, suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, because I knew she was right, I just didn't want to think about it. "Gee, thanks for being supportive, Alice."

"Look, I'm just saying..." Alice looked me right in the eyes, "I'm not going to pretend I know exactly how you feel, but I can imagine." She paused. "When I was twelve, I nearly lost my mom. There was... an accident." Alice swallowed. "She almost didn't make it."

My eyes widened and I stared at her in shock. "Oh my God, I had no idea. Alice, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

Alice was quiet for a moment. "It was dark, and she didn't watch where she was going. She... fell, and landed very badly." She walked over to my bookshelf, avoiding my eyes as she absently ran her fingers over the covers of one of my books. "The point is, I thought she was going to die. I'll never forget how scared I was. But at least she's okay now." She glanced at me.

I could see where Alice was going with this. She wasn't stupid - she knew my brave act was just a facade. I bit my lip, fighting back the tears threatening to well up. "Look, I'm not saying I'm over the loss of my mom. I don't think I ever will be. I'm not okay with this, Alice. I'm scared of going back to Phoenix, because everything will be different. She won't be there." A tear trickled down my cheek.

"I know, Bella, and I'm sorry." Alice looked about to tear up as well. "No one can blame you for feeling that way. But I think you're doing the right thing by going. You need closure. I'm sure Phil understands. You can't be strong all the time." She reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

Holding back a sigh, I nodded in agreement. Those were wise words, but so hard to live up to. I wiped the tear away. "Actually, that's not the only reason I don't want to go," I admitted, quietly.

"No kidding?" Alice rolled her eyes, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was trying to lighten the mood. "I was wondering when this would come up." She shook her head at my blank expression. "You worry about how Edward will manage without you."

I blushed. "Well, yeah. But it's not just that. I'm going to miss him so much." The truth was, the thought of being apart from Edward - even just for a few days - made my heart ache. It physically hurt, and I hadn't even left yet. And I didn't even want to think about how Edward felt about it. I knew we needed to talk, and tonight was a good opportunity.

Suddenly I felt really bad for the turn our conversation had taken. I wanted to have a good time with Alice today, and I definitely hadn't intended to make us both depressed. What she told me about Esme had shaken me badly, and even though Alice had quickly changed the subject, I realized her revelation must have brought back a lot of painful memories.

But it just felt so good to finally allow myself to talk to someone about my fears and insecurities, to let it all out. And it seemed like Alice understood me. Now I gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Alice, we don't have to talk about this. I'm a horrible friend. We were supposed to be having fun today, and now look at us."

"Says who?" Alice smiled sadly. "Bella, I've missed hanging out with you, and I was really looking forward to us spending some time together today. But there's more to friendship than just having fun. If you need to talk - about anything - I'm here for you. You don't have to apologize. Everybody needs to vent their feelings sometimes. Just go on, I'm listening."

I swallowed, thinking that Alice was a much better friend than I deserved. I knew I had neglected her lately, and I just wanted to make it up to her. Still, here she was, offering her selfless support. She truly was an amazing friend, and I was lucky to have her. "Thank you," I mumbled, all of the sudden too ashamed to meet her eyes.

"So..." Alice watched me expectantly. "You'll miss Edward. I think it's safe to say he'll miss you too. But it'll just be for a couple of days, right?" I nodded. "Well, have you told him how you feel about this?"

"No. But I will," I hurried to add. "It's just..." I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. "This is going to sound really stupid, but I've been avoiding talking to Edward about my fears of going back to Phoenix, because I don't want to bother him with my petty problems."

Alice walked over to the bed and sat down, a frown on her face. "You're right - it does sound stupid." I opened my mouth, but she went on, "Think about it, Bella. You're always there for Edward, showing him again and again that he can trust you. But you need to trust him as well. Trust that he'll be able to support you, just like you support him. That's how a healthy relationship works. Have a little faith in him."

I gave her a surprised look, remembering how Carlisle had said almost exactly the same thing. They were both right, I realized now. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around Edward all the time, nor should I keep things from him in fear that he wouldn't be able to handle it. It was patronizing, not to mention downright insulting.

"I hear you, Alice. You're absolutely right." I let out a sigh. "I guess Edward and I will have a lot to talk about tonight."

"It'll be okay." Alice gave me an assuring smile. "I do understand your concern, but you can't shelter Edward from everything. It's not fair to either of you. Lean on him a little for a change. He can take it. I think it'll be good for both of you."

I nodded in agreement. For a moment, we just sat there in silence. Then Alice sat straight up on the bed, and I could see a hint of the familiar excitement in her eyes. "Hey, you said I could do your nails! I know the perfect color for you." She glanced at my feet. "In fact, why don't I just give you a pedicure as well? I happen to have everything I need, right here in my bag. Let me show you!"

**OoO******

**EPOV**

"All right..." Esme took a deep breath and handed me a folded piece of paper. "Here's the number to the hotel where we'll be staying tonight. Your brother and sister have it as well, in case you lose it. And you're absolutely certain you have the numbers to both our cellphones?" She started to sound more and more nervous by each word.

"Esme, you know he's got our phone numbers - he's had them for years," Carlisle told her patiently, then paused and gave me an expectant look. "Right?"

I held back a sigh and nodded in agreement, pulling out the cellphone from my pocket and holding it out towards him. "Yes, I have your numbers. Wanna check for yourself, just to make sure?" I didn't mean to be sarcastic - much.

Esme actually made a motion to reach for my phone, but Carlisle put his hand on her arm to stop her. "No, it's okay, we trust you." I rolled my eyes, not sure whether to be annoyed or touched by their obvious concern.

"Now remember, you can call us at any time." Esme sounded like she was on the verge of tears. I nodded and forced a smile.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "We'd better go, dear." She nodded in acceptance, but her eyes were still on me.

"I'll be fine," I told her, feeling a strange urge to assure her. Her bottom lip quivered, but she tried to smile.

"Of course you will. And don't hesitate to call if you need us. We'll be back tomorrow night." After a moment's hesitation, Carlisle then placed his hand briefly on my arm, all the while looking straight into my eyes. I tensed up a little, but didn't pull away.

After last night at the hospital, he had started touching me more and more frequently. His hand would brush carefully against my arm, or rest on my shoulder, although never too long, just for a second or so. And to my surprise - as well as Carlisle's, I figured - I was okay with it. Of course, I would lie if I said I was totally comfortable with the contact, but at least the panic would stay away.

Now I felt Esme's eyes on me. Her expression was a mixture of sadness and longing, although she remained silent. Her words from the other day - how she wished she could give me a hug - rang in my head, and I suddenly felt bad for her. In that moment, I wished more than ever that I could just be normal, that I could give her what she wanted.

"Esme..." My throat felt dry and I swallowed. She was standing merely a few feet away from me; all I had to do was take a step forward and put my arms around her, but somehow, my feet seemed frozen at the spot and I couldn't bring myself to move. "Have a safe trip," I offered weakly, hating myself for being so fucking pathetic.

"Thanks, sweetie. We'll call as soon as we've checked in at the hotel. And we'll see you tomorrow." Esme then reached out her hand towards mine, very carefully, only to stop herself before she made contact. I had been holding my breath, but when she let her hand drop with a dejected look on her face, I honestly didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

Five minutes later, they were gone.

I remained up in my room for a while, contemplating what to do next. Alice was still at Bella's, and it would most likely be another couple of hours before they would show up. While a part of me couldn't wait to see Bella again, I supposed it was just as well that she wasn't around, because I didn't want her to find out what I was planning before I was done.

When I asked Bella what she wanted to do tonight, she had told me - among other things - that she wanted to eat ice-cream and cookies. I was pretty sure we had plenty of ice-cream in the freezer - of course I would have to check, just to be on the safe side - but I had decided I would try to make cookies myself. Hopefully she would appreciate it, and I figured it couldn't be all that hard.

Well, it turned out I was wrong.

Having no idea what kind of cookies to make, I went downstairs and started rummaging through Esme's cookbooks, relieved beyond words that no one was around to see me. It didn't take long before I found a recipe for some kind of peanut butter cookies, looking so easy that even I should be able to make them. I happened to know Bella loved peanut butter, so that worked out just fine.

Checking the fridge and the cupboards, I was pleased to realize we already had everything I needed. However, as I started mixing the shit together - which was a lot harder than I had expected with a bandaged hand - I noticed the cookie dough wouldn't get pasty and stick together; it remained dry and mealy no matter how long I went on mixing the fucking ingredients.

Finally I gave up, cursing angrily to myself. According to the book, I was supposed to shape little round balls of the cookie dough, but it didn't take a genius to figure out I wouldn't be able to shape anything with that grainy substance. Instead I grabbed a spoon from the kitchen drawer, and used it to form small piles of dough directly on the baking tray.

Then I put the tray in the oven and hoped for a miracle.

The book said to take the cookies out of the oven after twelve minutes. Eight minutes later, I felt the smell of something burning. Rushing over to the oven in panic, I grabbed an oven mit and quickly pulled out the tray, dumping it on the kitchen counter. Then I took a closer look at my creation.

There was a picture in the book, showing a large plate of perfectly round, flat, golden brown cookies. It was safe to say there was absolutely no resemblance to the shapeless things on the baking tray, most of them all but burned to a crisp. "Fucking stupid piece of crap!" I yelled, picking up the cookbook and hurling it at the wall.

"Hey, what's that smell?" Emmett asked from the doorway, causing me to jump and spin around. He took a step into the room, his eyes widening as he took in the mess I had made in the kitchen. "Dude, what are you doing?" he asked then, somewhat nervously. He probably thought I had finally lost it completely. If I wasn't so pissed off, I might have found the situation amusing.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" I growled, glaring at him. "I'm fucking baking!"

"You're _what_?" Emmett stared at me like I had grown a second head. Then he shook his head, as if to clear it, and very carefully made his way across the room, never taking his eyes off me. He stopped by the kitchen counter where I had put down the tray, and looked at the 'cookies' with a skeptical expression. Then he glanced at me. "No offense, but they look a wee bit... over-baked."

Closing my eyes, I clenched my fists and silently counted to ten. It didn't help, though, I was still pissed. Emmett cleared his throat and stepped away from the counter. "Um, don't bite my head off for asking, but why the sudden interest in... _baking_?" He said 'baking' like it was a foreign word.

"It's supposed to be for Bella," I told him between gritted teeth, throwing a hateful look at the tray.

"Really?" Emmett raised a brow. "I thought you liked her." He must have seen how my eyes darkened, because he instantly raised his hands in surrender. "I'm kidding! Seriously, they look great. I'm sure she'll love them."

I rolled my eyes - he was a horrible liar. "Fucking bullshit."

"Yeah..." Emmett hesitated for a moment. "Hey, look, not all of the cookies are burned. Some actually look... edible. You can still give the good ones to Bella."

"Right." I snorted. "That's a great idea, I'm sure she'll be thrilled. 'Look, Bella, here's three cookies that I've made all by myself. Fucking enjoy!'"

He chuckled. "Well, aside from the 'fucking enjoy' part, she might actually appreciate the gesture." I glared at him, not even dignifying his comment with an answer. He let out a sigh. "Why are you even doing this in the first place?"

That was a good question. I should've known I would just screw things up as usual. "Bella wanted cookies," I muttered, wishing Emmett would just drop it and leave me alone.

"Uh-huh." He crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm sure she didn't expect you to make them from scratch. Why don't you just buy some at the store?"

"Because I wanted to fucking make them myself," I told him heatedly. A part of me wanted nothing more than to just tell him to fuck off.

"Oh, okay, um..." Emmett looked thoughtful for a moment. "Hey, I've got it!" I watched in confusion as he hurried over to one of the cupboards. A moment later, he turned around with a triumphant look on his face, holding up a small jar filled with rainbow colored sprinkles. "Just put some of this on the cookies, and she'll never notice they're burned. Bet they'll taste better as well."

I gave him an incredulous look. "Are you fucking serious? I can't give Bella burned cookies with fucking sprinkles!"

His face fell. "Why not?"

"Well, for one thing, I'm not a six-year-old girl," I grumbled.

"Fine." He shrugged, looking slightly offended. "Then I guess you'll just have to go to the store." He paused. "I'll give you a ride if you want. Was planning to go anyway and buy some snacks for tonight. Unlike you and Alice, I'll be spending the evening all alone up in my room, so I'll be needing a lot of sugar and greasy stuff to get myself through the night." He let out a dry chuckle.

I opened my mouth to turn him down, but stopped myself as his words started to sink in. If I didn't know better, I'd say there had been an almost wistful note in his voice. That was when it hit me that both Alice and I were in a relationship, and Emmett was not. For the first time ever, it seemed like I had something for him to be envious of. It was a very strange, almost alien thought.

Somehow, the revelation made me feel both good and bad at the same time. Good for myself, and bad for him. Because I knew - all too well - what it was like to be alone.

Contemplating my options for a moment, I then surprised both of us by accepting his offer.


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N:** **I feel like I'm repeating myself, but thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews and support.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

"Know what you should do?" Emmett grabbed a bag of Cheetos and put it down in his shopping basket, pausing for a second before reaching for a second bag, and throwing it in the basket as well. Then he turned to me and continued, like I had actually shown any interest in his opinion, "Make Bella dinner, like I suggested the other day. Light a few candles, put on some music. Chicks love that sort of crap."

I rolled my eyes, wondering why he was being so helpful all of a sudden. Ever since we had arrived at the grocery store, I had followed him quietly as he strode through the aisles, picking up various items from the shelves. Every now and then, he would make a comment, or give me some kind of advice - that I hadn't asked for - on how to impress Bella.

Clearly not put out by my lack of enthusiasm, he went on, "Just make it simple. There's no need to go overboard; it's the thought that counts." A pause. "Of course, if you play your cards right, you'll have Bella wrapped around your little finger in no time. Hell, she'll be all over you before dessert!" He chuckled.

His words came as a cold shower and I froze in my tracks, although Emmett didn't seem to notice. In fact, he kept walking several steps before he realized I had stopped in the middle of the aisle. Finally coming to a halt as well, he gave me a look of confusion. "What?"

"I'm not fucking doing this to get Bella 'all over me'!" I all but spat at him, clenching my good fist. Emmett raised a brow, eying me skeptically. He opened his mouth to say something, but I suppose he must have seen something in my expression, because instead of objecting, he just shrugged and mumbled an apology.

Then he turned his attention back to his shopping, making no attempt to talk to me again for the next couple of minutes. To tell the truth, I didn't know whether to be relieved or bothered by his silence. Once again, I was reminded by the fact that I was a freak who couldn't function like a normal person.

Too distracted by my troubled thoughts, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, and almost walked right into Emmett, having not noticed that he had stopped. As I looked around, I realized we were in the section of baked goods. I glanced at him, and he gave me an expectant look, nodding wordlessly towards the shelves filled with biscuits and cookies.

I could tell he was still annoyed, and I couldn't really blame him. Taking a deep breath, I decided to try to placate him by starting a conversation. "So, any suggestions what kind of cookies I should get?"

Emmett looked more than a little taken aback by my sudden question, having clearly not expected me to ask for his opinion. To his credit, he quickly recovered, his eyes running thoughtfully over the shelves. Then he chose a packet of chocolate chip cookies, holding it up so I could see. "If there's one thing I've learned about girls, it is that you can never go wrong with chocolate."

Having come to the same conclusion - at least when it came to Bella - I shrugged in acceptance and took the packet from him. Emmett hesitated for a moment, then picked up another one just the same, with the words, "Second thought, I think I'll just grab one for myself as well." I shook my head at the sight of his already overflowing basket, but didn't comment.

Picking up a few more things, we then headed for the checkout counter. The tension seemed to have eased a little, for which I found myself actually being grateful. Once we were back in the car, Emmett cast a careful look in my direction. "Look, I wasn't really serious before. I didn't mean to insinuate that you would have any hidden motives for doing something nice for Bella."

I held back a sigh, realizing he was being sincere. Much to my relief, he seemed to have misinterpreted my reaction before, thinking I had just gotten upset with him for implying I was using Bella to... what, exactly? Get into her pants? The thought was absolutely ridiculous, but then again, Emmett couldn't know that.

However, the relief quickly got replaced by shock as he cleared his throat and went on, "So, I assume you two haven't... you know...?" My eyes widened at his words, and I stared at him in alarm. "You know... slept together?" he clarified, although there was a sudden hint of uncertainty in his voice, as if it just hit him that he might be out of line.

In that moment, I was very glad I was not the one behind the wheel, because I would've probably ended up on the wrong side of the road, most likely causing an accident of some kind. Instead I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the panic to stay away. No way in hell was I having this fucking discussion with Emmett.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw how Emmett's eyes darting between me and the road. His fingers were gripping the steering wheel tightly, and he appeared to be nervous. "Are you okay?" he asked in a strained voice. Merely grunting in agreement, I took a couple of deep breaths, stubbornly turning my head to stare out the window.

I figured he wished he would've never gotten into the car with me in the first place. Well, that made two of us. Because I couldn't remember when I had last felt this uncomfortable. We spent the rest of the drive home in silence, thankfully, it didn't take long before we were back in our driveway. Mumbling a quick 'thanks for the ride', I then all but rushed out of the car, eager to get away.

"Hey, wait up!" Emmett called out after me, and while a part of me just wanted to ignore him, I reluctantly turned around to face him. He hesitated a little. "Are we cool?" he asked then, sounding nothing like his usual confident self. He suddenly reminded me of Alice this morning, when she had practically asked for my permission to hang out with Bella.

While a part of me couldn't understand why any of them would care about my opinion, it occurred to me in that moment that they actually did. And if I wasn't so fucked up, I might have been able to appreciate it. Now I just felt beyond guilty. The truth was, I had been mostly annoyed by Emmett's presence today - like most days - and now I suddenly saw the situation through his eyes.

He had been trying, again and again. And I had just given him rude and snarky remarks in return. Of course, it wasn't just today. I found myself wondering why he would still bother. He should just go back to treating me with the same lack of respect that he had in the past, because that was how I treated him. I didn't deserve anything else.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, forcing myself to meet Emmett's eyes. "I'm an ass - you should know that by now. Just do yourself a favor, and don't fucking bother." Before he got the chance to object - or agree - I spun around and hurried inside, not looking back once, because I didn't want to see the look on his face.

Finally alone up in my room, I slumped down on the bed, leaning back against the pillows and staring up at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to yell, curse and break things - for reasons I wasn't completely sure of myself - I found that I didn't have enough energy at the moment. Instead I simply laid there, wishing I could just go to sleep.

I must have dozed off at some point, because the next thing I knew, I was startled awake by the buzzing sound of my phone. It was Bella, and she sounded slightly out of breath. "Hi, Edward. What are you doing?"

"Hey. Nothing much, just... resting." I sat up with a grimace, shaking my head to clear it. Hearing Bella's voice relaxed me, as always, although I still felt somewhat uneasy, not able to completely drop the incident in the car.

"Oh, good, so you're home then." Bella sounded relieved. "I just called to make sure. I'm right outside." She was still talking as I jumped up from the bed and left my room, but I wasn't paying much attention anymore. My girl was here, and while I enjoyed talking to her, I would much rather hold her. Taking the stairs two steps at a time, I swung the front door open less than a minute later.

Bella was standing out on the porch with an over-night bag flung over her shoulder, and a soft smile appeared on her face when she saw me. She giggled as I instantly swept her into my arms, hugging her close and resting my cheek against the top of her head. Her arms immediately slid around my waist, and we just stood like that for a minute. In that moment, everything was perfect.

Then she pulled back a little, studying my face, and her smile faded. "Baby, what's wrong?" I didn't miss the sudden concern in her voice.

"Nothing." I sighed and took a step back, allowing her to enter. The look she gave me told me she didn't believe me for a second, but she stepped inside and put her bag down on the floor. I opened my mouth, about to offer to carry it up to my room, but then I remembered that Bella and I had never really discussed where she would be sleeping. I couldn't just assume she wanted to sleep with me.

Not sleep with me! Just sleep. In my room. Fuck! I blamed Emmett for throwing me off balance, making me think in terms that were completely out of character for me.

"Edward?" She tilted her head to the side, watching me closely.

I shrugged, somewhat awkwardly. "Any chance you can just accept the fact that I've been having a bad day, and leave it at that?"

"Um, no." Bella shook her head. Then she bit her lip. "I thought things were fine this morning. Did something happen? What did you do after I left?"

Shrugging again, I made my way over to the couch, knowing she would follow. "Went to the store with Emmett. Other than that, not much." I was too embarrassed to tell her about the fucking cookie fiasco. It was bad enough that Emmett knew.

Bella's eyes narrowed suspiciously when I mentioned Emmett's name. "Did you and Emmett get into a fight or something? Did he do-"

"He didn't do anything," I cut her off, feeling a strange urge to defend Emmett, although I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. "It's me, all right? It's always me. Just drop it." Her face fell, and while I hadn't even raised my voice, I felt like I might as well have slapped her. Bella just wanted me to talk to her, and here I was pushing her away again, just like I had promised myself I wouldn't.

Taking a deep breath, I reached out to gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to snap at you. I meant it when I said I was having a bad day, but things are looking up now that you're here. I missed you." I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I forced myself to remain still and wait to see how she would react to my words.

Her reaction was nothing like I had expected.

Swallowing hard, Bella looked at me with wide eyes. Then her bottom lip quivered, but luckily, she spoke up before I could panic and wonder what I had done wrong. "You called me 'baby'," she whispered, sounding completely astonished.

I frowned, realizing she was right. The word had just slipped out of my mouth, feeling completely natural. Bella would say things like that to me all the time, but now it occurred to me that while I had come to accept her endearments - just as her rare declarations of love - I had never once returned them.

Until now, that was.

"Um, sorry?" It came out as a question, and as soon as I saw the look of confusion on Bella's face, I wished I could take it back. I grabbed her wrist, as if to prevent her from getting up and leave. "Forget I said that, I'm not sorry. You don't mind, do you?" I heard the uncertainty in my voice, and silently berated myself for being so pathetic.

"Actually..." Bella snapped me out of my thoughts as she spoke up, tentatively. She blushed. "You can call me 'baby' anytime. In fact, you can call me whatever you want." She glanced at me, and I got a strange feeling of deja vu, like we'd already had this conversation before. Then I realized we had, a few weeks ago at the meadow, only then the discussion had been about what she could call me.

_"But..." Bella swallowed, suddenly not wanting to meet my eyes. "Are you saying you didn't mind when I called you..." she took a deep breath and rushed the word out, "...honey?"___

_Mind? I shook my head, incredulously. "You can call me whatever you want," I managed to get out in a somewhat shaky voice.___

_She was quiet for a moment. When she spoke up again, her voice was barely more than a whisper, "What if I wanted to call you... my boyfriend?"_

I lowered my eyes, trying to hide a grin, because while I had nearly freaked out at the time, her words now made me feel all warm inside. "What if I want to call you my girlfriend?"

She giggled, and the sound was like music to me. "I _am_ your girlfriend, silly." Words couldn't describe how good it felt to hear her say that. All of a sudden, I could barely remember why I had been in a bad mood only minutes ago.

"I know." I raised my head and our eyes met. "It just hit me that I don't say it often enough." Bella's smile widened, and I cupped her cheek. "You're my girlfriend."

"M-hm," she agreed softly, leaning into my touch. "And you're my boyfriend."

"Oh my God, Jazz, look at them! Aren't they just adorable?"

Bella and I both jumped at the sound of Alice's voice, coming from the doorway. Bella's face turned bright red, but to my surprise - and relief - she didn't pull away from me. If anything, she merely snuggled closer, practically melting into my side. Normally I would've told Alice to fuck off, but I found that - with my girl so close to me - not even her presence could put a damper on my mood.

I supposed there was a first time for everything.

"Alice..." Jasper cleared his throat, giving me and Bella an apologetic look. "Let's just leave them alone." I had to admit that he just scored a few points in my book.

Having expected Alice to object, I was surprised when her smile immediately faded and her expression turned alarmed. "I'm sorry, we were just..." She hesitated. "Really, we didn't mean to disturb you guys. We'll just get out of your way." Grabbing Jasper by the arm, she all but dragged him towards the stairs.

Bella was clearly as surprised as I was by Alice's strange behavior, because she stared after her and finally called out, "Hey, who are you and what have you done to Alice?"

I heard Jasper chuckle quietly, but Alice froze in her tracks and turned to look at us over her shoulder. If I didn't know better, I'd say she looked guilty. "I just don't want to impose," she mumbled.

"That's never bothered you before," I pointed out without thinking, feeling a bit bad when I saw the brief look of hurt on her face. "I mean..." I started, but she put on a brave smile and waved her hand in dismissal.

"No, you're right, I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes. But I'm working on it." She gave me a sheepish grin. I raised my brow skeptically, but decided not to say anything, just in case she was serious. If she could make an effort, I figured that so should I.

As Alice and Jasper disappeared up the stairs, I turned to Bella. "Are you hungry? I can make you a grilled cheese or something." I figured that was something I would be able to make without screwing up. It wasn't dinner - Emmet's words about making dinner for Bella kept ringing in my head - but I figured it could pass as a late lunch. We could always order a pizza later.

She smiled sweetly at me. "Sure, that sounds great."

We entered the kitchen together, and I headed straight for the fridge, telling Bella to just make herself comfortable. Of course, she immediately objected, "No, I'll help. What do you…" She stopped herself. "Hey, what's that?"

I frowned and followed her gaze to the kitchen counter, only to let out a groan as I realized I had forgotten to throw away the fucking cookies. "Oh, fuck, you weren't supposed to see that," I mumbled, beyond embarrassed as I rushed over to grab the baking tray. Feeling her curious eyes on me, I felt the need to explain, "It's just a… failed experiment. Don't worry, I won't attempt to do it again."

Glancing at Bella, I noticed how a smile started to spread on her face. "Edward? Are you saying you…?"

"You said you wanted fucking cookies," I defended myself weakly. "I thought I-"

I was cut off as Bella slid her arms around my neck and pressed her lips gently against mine.

**OoO**

**End Notes:**** Too fluffy for you? Well, they deserve a break, don't you think? Just remember, the story isn't over yet...**


	51. Chapter 51

**BPOV**

When I realized Edward had actually attempted to make me cookies, I practically melted on the spot. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me, and it didn't matter that most of them were burned - I would gladly eat every single one of them to show him how much the gesture meant to me.

I kissed him tenderly - putting as much love and affection in the kiss that I could muster - and was beyond happy when his lips instantly parted, allowing me access to his mouth. Not too long ago, he would've hesitated, maybe even pulled away. But that was not the case anymore, and I was so proud of him.

Finally I had to pull back, the lack of air starting to make me dizzy. Or maybe it was just my reaction to the kiss. I smiled shyly and rested my cheek against Edward's chest, knowing the love and adoration I felt for him in that moment had to be written all over my face. "I can't believe you did that," I told him breathlessly, enjoying the steady rhythm of his heart.

He shrugged, and while he was obviously embarrassed, I could tell he was also pleased by my reaction. "Me neither," he admitted, his fingers playing tenderly with my hair. I pulled back, giving him a somewhat amused look, and he let out a nervous chuckle. "What?"

"You're adorable." The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I had spoken, and I blushed. Seeing his skeptical expression, I hurried to add, "And I mean that in a manly way, of course." He snorted, but didn't comment. I had come to learn that Edward had a hard time accepting compliments, but that wasn't going to stop me. He would just have to get used to it.

The truth was, everything about Edward fascinated me. There wasn't a part of him that I didn't love, and then I didn't even take his extreme beauty into account. Before I met him, I didn't think it was possible to feel so strongly for another person, especially not after just a few months. But I was wrong.

Hell, I even found the way he used the word 'fuck' in every other sentence endearing.

Now I folded my arms across my chest, eying him expectantly and gesturing towards the cookies. "So, are you saying you weren't even going to tell me about this? I'm hurt." He looked a little worried for a moment, but when I smiled to let him know I wasn't really serious, he visibly relaxed.

I reached out towards the baking tray, but Edward grabbed my hand to stop me, an uncertain smile playing on his lips. "What are you doing? You can't eat those."

"But I want to," I objected, picking up a cookie from the tray.

Before I could put it in my mouth, Edward snatched it out of my hand, rolling his eyes. "Stop it, that's fucking disgusting. I bought you other cookies from the store, I'll get you one that's not burned to a fucking crisp."

I pouted and stubbornly shook my head, secretly enjoying our playful banter. "No, I want yours. You made them for me. Come on, just let me taste one. Not all of them are burned."

He let out a snort. "You sound like Emmett. He actually suggested I put fucking sprinkles on them so you wouldn't notice how bad they look."

"Are you serious?" I burst out giggling, then, as the meaning of his words started to sink in, I sobered up and gave him a questioning look. "You said something before about you and Emmett going to the store together. Does this mean things are better between you two?"

He just shrugged, his expression turning gloomy. A part of me wished he could have seen the look on Emmett's face last night here in the kitchen. Then there would be no doubt in Edward's mind that his brother cared about him. I bit my lip. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Edward sighed. "Not sure there's much to talk about. He's trying to be nice. I treat him like crap. End of fucking story."

"Oh." I was more than a little surprised by his brutal honesty. Hesitating a little, I then asked, "Why's that?"

He frowned. "Why's what?"

"Why do you treat him like crap?" I clarified, glancing at him as I was half expecting an outburst. But I hoped he would realize that I wasn't accusing him, I was merely curious. Besides, those were his words, not mine.

To my relief, Edward appeared to be more surprised than upset by my question. "I-I don't know," he mumbled, having clearly not expected me to confront him. "I guess I just..." He shrugged uncomfortably and lowered his eyes.

He didn't need to finish, because in that moment, I knew exactly why he was doing it, even if he didn't quite understand it himself. I realized why Edward was so hostile towards his family most of the time. It was the same reason why he had repeatedly pushed me away when we first met. He was afraid of letting them in.

They were his family, and they obviously loved him. But Edward couldn't fully trust them, because his other family had hurt him in the past, in the worst possible way.

"Emmett broke up with Rosalie because he didn't like the way she was talking about you." I held my breath, knowing it was a reckless and dangerous statement, because it wasn't my story to tell. Alice had told me this in confidence, and I had no right to just blurt it out like this to Edward. But to be honest, it almost frightened me how little I actually cared in that moment.

I just needed Edward to realize that he was important to Emmett and that some families actually could be trusted, the Cullens being one of them.

Edward blinked, staring at me in shock. "What did you just say?" I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could say anything, "No. That's fucking bullshit, Emmett would never..." His voice trailed off.

"It's true." I looked him right in the eyes. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but-"

"You're right - you shouldn't have." I jumped and spun around, my eyes widening as I saw Emmett standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. "Know what your problem is, Bella? Your heart may be in the right place, but you're just so concerned about doing the right thing, you don't care how many people you step on to get there."

My cheeks flushed and I lowered my eyes in shame, wondering how long he had been standing there. I knew I couldn't blame Emmett for being upset with me, but I hadn't meant any harm. He was partly right - I wanted to do the right thing, and to me, the right thing was to do whatever I could to help Edward. But I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process.

"Don't fucking talk to her like that," Edward warned, glaring at Emmett. He shook his head in exasperation. "Just tell her it's not true." Emmett remained silent, and Edward's eyes narrowed. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" he then exclaimed, incredulously.

Emmett let out a tired sigh. "All right, look, I'm only going to say this once. It was my decision to break things off with Rose, and yes, her attitude towards you was my main reason." He cast a brief look at me before turning back to Edward. "I don't expect you to understand, or even care. But just so you know, I don't regret it. Hell, I'd do the same thing again if I had to. Because family comes first."

Suddenly feeling like I was imposing on a private moment, I considered excusing myself and leaving the room. But seeing how I - for obvious reasons - wasn't in Emmett's good graces at the moment, I decided I didn't want to risk making things worse by speaking up and drawing more attention to myself. So I remained where I was, trying to just be quiet and blend into the background.

And, of course, observe Edward's reaction to his brother's statement. I found myself holding my breath.

Edward stayed quiet for a moment, watching Emmett with a skeptical expression as he clearly didn't know what to think. Then I saw him swallow before finally asking, quietly, "So, what the fuck _do_ you expect me to do? Say thank you? Take pleasure in the fact that I'm to blame for your ruined relationship?"

"No." Emmett shook his head. "If I wanted a thank you, don't you think I'd already have said something? And if anyone's to blame for this, it's Rosalie - not you." I could tell Edward wasn't convinced, but he remained silent. Emmett rolled his eyes. "Can we just drop this? I don't really feel like discussing my personal life at the moment, even though I realize there's not much to discuss." He glanced at me again.

I felt horrible. "Look, Emmett, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Don't," he cut me off, sighing. "Maybe I'm overreacting. I like you, Bella. Really. I just think... Never mind." He shrugged, and I knew he would have said something more if Edward hadn't been around. Instead he just walked over to the fridge, grabbed a soda and then left the room, leaving me and Edward to look after him.

Edward spoke up first, his voice thick with disbelief, "Why would he do something like that?"

I suspected he wasn't really expecting me to answer, but I did anyway, "He just told you why. You're family. Families are important." He just shook his head. I hesitated. "Edward, do you-" He raised a hand to stop me, and I gave him a questioning look.

"I'll get started on the sandwiches," he told me as he went to open one of the cupboards, grabbing a loaf of white bread. Then he turned away from me and started to butter two slices of bread with deep concentration, the message being painfully clear: we were not having that particular discussion now.

Holding back a sigh, I told myself he wasn't really shutting me out, he just didn't want to talk about it here where we could be interrupted at any moment, Emmett being a living proof of that. So I decided to let it go for now, and - in an attempt to lighten the mood - picked up one of the least burned cookies from the tray and popped it into my mouth. "You know, these aren't bad," I told him around my chewing.

He looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes narrowing for a moment, and then he rolled his eyes. "You never give up, do you?"

"Nope." I ran my tongue across my upper lip to catch a few crumbs, only to stop when I noticed he was watching me intently. Suddenly feeling a little self-conscious, I let out a nervous laugh. "What?"

"Nothing." Edward quickly shook his head and went back to his task, cutting thick slices of Cheddar cheese and adding to the sandwiches.

Ten minutes later, we were up in Edward's room, sitting on his small couch and munching on grilled cheese sandwiches - which I had to say tasted amazing. When I told him that, he just shrugged, clearly a little uncomfortable by the praise, but at the same time appearing to be secretly pleased by my approval of his culinary skills.

When we were finished eating, I pushed my empty plate away and slumped back into the couch with a contented sigh. Edward threw a curious look in my direction, and I smiled. "I'm full."

He raised a brow and revealed a packet of chocolate chip cookies that he had somehow kept hidden until now. "So, you've got no room for these, then. That's too bad. I'll just put them away."

"No!" Grinning widely, I made a motion to grab the packet, but he held it out of my reach. I wasn't used to this playful side of him, but I loved it. "There's always room for cookies," I stated. "Give me!"

Edward chuckled, opened the packet and held it out to me. However, I was feeling bold at the moment, so instead of taking it from him, I simply opened my mouth expectantly. His eyes widened slightly, but to his credit, he didn't back down. As he offered me one of the cookies, I took a small bite, closing my eyes as the chocolate melted on my tongue. "Mm," I sighed. "Still think I prefer yours, though."

His expression turned puzzled. "Why do you say that? And I can't believe you actually ate one. It had to taste fucking awful."

"You made them for me," I told him in explanation, repeating my words from before. "Nothing you would do for me could ever be awful." He gave me a skeptical look, but then his face softened. For a minute or so, we just sat there in silence. Finally I spoke up again, softly, "You do realize we need to talk, right?" He nodded. "So..."

"Bella, I'm not good at this." Edward sighed. "I know there are plenty of things you want us to talk about tonight, and in a way, I do too. I just don't know where to start."

"Well..." I glanced at him. "Would it be easier if I just picked a subject?"

He grimaced. "Don't know if 'easier' is the right word, but what the hell. Go ahead."

"Okay." I considered my options very thoroughly. A part of me really wanted to continue the conversation we had started in the kitchen, about his family. But then I remembered my talk with Alice this morning, about how I needed to let Edward be there for me. I took a deep breath. "I want to talk about my trip to Phoenix."

Edward looked surprised for a moment, but quickly covered up. "Oh. Yeah, okay. I, uh..." He hesitated, clearly unsure of what to say. I couldn't blame him. We hadn't really talked about this, not since yesterday morning - although it felt more like a lifetime ago - when I had first mentioned that I was leaving.

"I don't really feel like going," I now admitted, quietly. Edward's eyes turned concerned, but he remained silent, waiting for me to go on. I sighed, deciding to just be honest, because he deserved nothing less from me. "I'm scared of going back there, because my mom will be gone. I'm scared of facing Phil." I swallowed. "And I don't want to be away from you, even if it's just for a few days."

I held my breath, waiting to see how he would react to my confession.

"I don't want to be away from you, either," he responded immediately, and my heart swelled with relief and happiness. Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously, and it was obvious that he had to struggle to keep his voice casual, "Why are you scared of facing Phil?"

My heart sank, because I knew what he was thinking, even though I also knew he would never admit it. I had told him over and over again that Phil was a good guy, that he would never hurt me on purpose. And yet there was a part of Edward that couldn't fully take it in. I wondered if the day would ever come when he wouldn't automatically assume the worst of people.

More than anything, I wished I could kill James for destroying Edward's ability to trust other people. If the bastard was here, I would gladly tear him apart with my bare hands. And for once, my strong hatred didn't bother me. I wanted the man dead. But first I wanted him to suffer. Badly.

As I snuggled up against Edward, he instantly put his arms around me. It was a gesture of comfort, and I suspected it was for himself as much as for me. I put my head down on his shoulder and slid my arm across his chest before finally speaking up, "I'm scared because he will be sad, and I don't know how to deal with his grief. I feel like I have enough with my own, and then I feel guilty for thinking like that."

Edward was quiet for a moment, absently running his fingers through my hair. It was soothing, and I felt myself relax. "I don't know much about that kind of grief," he then admitted. "But maybe it won't be as bad as you think. I mean, yeah, so maybe he will be sad. But wouldn't that be a good thing? That means he still loves your mother, right?" He gave me an uncertain look.

Contemplating his words, I knew Edward was right. I wanted Phil to mourn the loss of Renee for as long as I did, which would most likely be forever. "I guess," I mumbled in response, turning my head up so I could look at him. "I wish you could come with me."

The moment the words were out of my mouth, I knew it was the truth. I wouldn't feel half as anxious about going back to Phoenix if I only knew Edward would be right there by my side. Then anything would be bearable, including dealing with the death of my mother.

Edward blinked in surprise, clearly taken aback by my words. "Um, yeah, well..." he shrugged and looked away, and when he didn't say anything more, I felt a sting of disappointment. Not that I really expected Charlie to agree to let Edward accompany me halfway across the country without adult supervision, but still, his obvious discomfort at my suggestion hurt a little.

"Never mind," I muttered, feeling pretty stupid for bringing it up. "I wasn't really serious."

He looked at me with a dubious expression, clearly not sure what to think. "I'd go with you if I could," he finally stated quietly, and I felt my heart beating faster. Did he mean it? I was afraid to ask.

Then I found myself wondering what he meant by 'if I could'. "Carlisle and Esme wouldn't let you go?"

Edward shrugged again, awkwardly. "Doubt it. But even if they'd agree, I couldn't..." He lowered his eyes and let his hand drop from my hair.

"Why not?" I swallowed hard. "You said you didn't want to be away from me."

He shook his head, still refusing to meet my eyes. "I don't." A beat. "Fuck! All right, just give me a moment. I'll try to explain."

I nodded in agreement, and waited.

OoO

**End notes:** **I honestly didn't intend to end the chapter with a cliffie, but it just seemed like a good place to stop. I guess I could've kept going, but then the chap would've been twice as long, and you would most likely have to wait twice as long for the update. So don't throw things at me, unless of course it's sprinkle-covered cookies made by Edward. ;) To all of you who keep reading and reviewing: love you all!**


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N:****Thank you all so much for your continued support, your kind comments mean the world to me. To my new readers: I'm so happy you decided to start reading my story, and I really hope you'll like what's to come.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

At first I was relieved when Bella told me she wanted to discuss her upcoming trip to Phoenix. Not that I was happy she was leaving in less than a week, but I figured it was a safe enough subject to talk about. And when she started ticking off her fears, I felt that for once - maybe - I would be able to offer her some kind of support and comfort.

Her anxiety about going back there to see her stepfather came as a surprise to me - I had no idea she felt like that. Then it hit me that I had never really bothered to ask. Needless to say, I felt like an ass. Bella was always so attentive to my feelings and emotions; nothing went by her. She didn't even have to ask if I was having a bad day, she had a way of reading me like a book.

And whenever I was feeling down, she would do anything in her power to make it better. I wanted to do the same thing for her. But how could I, when I was too busy dwelling in my own misery to even notice something was wrong? I really was a piss-poor excuse for a boyfriend. Bella deserved so much better.

But the thing was, she didn't want 'better'. She wanted _me_. I had a feeling I would never truly understand why, but nonetheless, I would always be grateful beyond words. It was like she saw something in me that I couldn't, and I would do just about anything to find out what it was.

When Bella hinted that she would like me to come with her, it took a moment for her words to sink in. It seemed like an innocent comment, but my mind started wandering. What if I _could_ go to Arizona with her? Then we wouldn't have to be apart, and - more importantly - I could be there for her, like she was always there for me when I needed her.

Of course, it didn't take long for reality to come crashing down. I could never travel across the country like that, not even for Bella. The mere thought of getting on a plane made my stomach turn, and I knew I wouldn't be able to offer her any comfort, nor support, in the state I would be in.

Embarrassing as it may be to admit to Bella how weak and pathetic I was - as if she wasn't already aware - I knew I had to come clean. Because I couldn't stand the idea of her thinking I didn't want to spend every single moment of my time in her presence. I just didn't know how to start.

Finally I took a deep breath. "I can't come with you, because I wouldn't be able to get on the fucking plane." There, I had said it.

Bella frowned. "Are you afraid of flying? A lot of people are. That's nothing to be ashamed of."

Shaking my head, I thought if only it was that simple. "It's not about flying, per se. It's the thought of being trapped. And there would be too many people, I can't..." I felt myself starting to shiver.

"Oh." Bella immediately reached for my hand, and I grabbed it like a lifeline. "It's okay, I understand. But..." She bit her lip. "This may sound like a really stupid question, but if you can't stand crowded places, how do you manage to go to school every day?"

A part of me couldn't believe we were actually having this conversation, and that I was fine with it. Or maybe 'fine' was a bit of an overstatement, but at least I didn't feel completely overwhelmed by panic. It amazed me how much things had changed since I started to realize that Bella really wasn't going anywhere, despite my past.

"It's not a stupid question," I told her, now running my thumb over her knuckles and enjoying the feeling of her smooth skin against mine. I kept my eyes on our entwined hands as I went on, "Back in Chicago, school was..." I hesitated, searching for the right words, "...well, let's just say it was better being there than at home."

She nodded in understanding. "And here in Forks?"

I let out a gust of air, recalling when I had first come to live with Carlisle and Esme and was forced to start a new school. It was much smaller than my old one back in Chicago, but it didn't matter. It had taken months before I was finally able to stay in school for the entire day, attending all of my classes without any incidents. Or _episodes_, as Carlisle would so nicely put it whenever one of my teachers contacted him, at home or at work, and he had to explain my behavior. I still remembered the shame and humiliation I felt when he or Esme had to come pick me up. It didn't take long before my classmates started avoiding me like the plague, terrified of doing or saying something that would set me off in one way or another.

"Pretty much sucked at first," I admitted with a grimace. "But it's okay now. I manage, as long as I avoid the fucking cafeteria." Then I shrugged awkwardly and added, "And Carlisle made it so I don't have to attend Gym class."

Bella squeezed my hand, but remained silent, waiting for me to continue. I sighed, wishing I knew how to explain. It was hard, seeing how I had never really talked to anyone about this before. "Something changed," I finally mumbled, "after I... got away."

"From Chicago?" Bella asked, softly.

I swallowed, shaking my head. "From him. James." My throat suddenly felt very dry, so I picked up my half empty glass of ice tea and downed what was left of the sweet beverage in two large gulps. It didn't help. Bella watched me, but didn't say anything. I put the glass back down after realizing I was squeezing it so hard I was afraid it might break.

"I didn't..." My voice cracked, and I inhaled shakily before starting over, "I didn't always have a problem with crowded places. At least I don't remember it bothering me before. Not until..."

_There were voices everywhere, screaming, or at least that's how it seemed like to me. I didn't recognize any of them, and I couldn't see any of the faces they belonged to. There wasn't a single part of me that didn't hurt, and it was painfully hard to breathe. I wanted to move, to run, but I couldn't get my body to obey.___

_I didn't realize I was crying until I heard myself sobbing, desperately trying to scramble backwards, but someone was holding on to me, preventing me from escaping. "Just calm down," a female voice ordered close to my ear, before starting to shout something about stronger sedation.___

_"We're just going to help you," another voice said, and then there was a strong hand on my arm. I let out a whimper and tried to pull away, but I was too weak, and it seemed like the more I struggled, the deeper the fingers would dig into my skin.___

_Yet another voice spoke from somewhere above my head. The noise just wouldn't stop, and when I felt another hand touching me, this time on my shoulder, I finally gave up fighting. I didn't have any energy left, and there was just no point, anyway. So I somehow forced myself to shut the voices out. And all there was left was a merciful silence._

It was the feeling of Bella's fingers, gently brushing over my cheek that snapped me out of my memories and brought me back to the present. I raised my head, finding myself looking into Bella's sympathetic eyes. Raking my fingers agitatedly through my hair, I noticed how my hands were shaking.

"Edward..." Bella started, softly. "Are you-"

"I'm fine," I cut her off. She could tell I was lying, obviously, but thankfully, she didn't push.

Instead she just scooted closer to me and snuggled up in my arms. "Go on," she whispered, an encouraging note in her voice.

In all honesty, I didn't want to go on. We were supposed to be talking about her, and her fears about going to Phoenix. And yet, somehow, it always came back to the same thing - me, and my fucked up issues. It wasn't fair to Bella, but she never once complained, and I figured I owed it to her to tell her what she wanted to hear.

So I reluctantly obeyed and started from the beginning, telling her about that final night I spent with James and my mother in the small apartment back in Chicago - what I remembered of it, anyway - before I woke up, disoriented and beaten beyond recognition, almost twelve hours later at the hospital.

_My heart sank as soon as I stepped through the door and saw him sitting straight up on the lumpy old couch, his hands gripping the edge of the table in front of him so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. I counted at least half a dozen beer bottles around him, some of them on the table, the rest scattered over the floor.___

_Although I made an effort to close the door behind me as quietly as I could, I still must have made some kind of sound, because his head immediately shot up and his cold eyes turned in my direction. If possible, his face darkened even more. "Get over here," he slurred, his voice low and menacing.___

_I gulped, but did as I was told, not daring to object. He was obviously in a bad mood already, and I knew it wouldn't take much to make things even worse. With any luck, he would be appeased by my obedience, and let me get away easy this time. ___

_Of course, I wouldn't get my hopes up, knowing from experience that luck was rarely on my side.___

_Grabbing one of the bottles and taking a large swig, James then got up from the couch, his eyes never leaving mine. As he was towering above me, I involuntarily shrank back. The reek of alcohol was making me nauseous, but I forced myself to remain where I was, terrified of doing something that would add to his anger._

"I still don't know what pissed him off in the first place," I muttered bitterly, unable to bring myself to look at Bella as I kept revealing the events of that fateful night. "Not that it would've made any difference." It was true. I had never known what I did wrong, and even when James would take the time to explain - or, to be more accurate, yell out his accusations - it didn't make much sense to me.

Then again, just because I didn't understand, it didn't mean I wouldn't take his word for it. James said I had done something bad, so who was I to question him? I remember him telling me once that the only thing I was good at was screwing up. And I never doubted him.

But that night, he went too far. Even I realized that. Barely conscious at the time, I could still hear my mother's loud protests as she was screaming at someone to let go of her husband. It wasn't until later that I found out it had been the cops, coming to arrest James and take him away, once and for all.

It turned out one of the neighbors had heard shouting, and called the police. The walls had been thin, and yet, that was the only time anyone had ever reacted. It probably saved my life.

I didn't see either him or my mother again after that night, nor did I ever return to the apartment. That night was the last time James ever punished me. Almost seven years had passed, but I still remembered parts of it like it happened yesterday. My strongest memory was the way his eyes looked when he got tired of using his fists, and raised the bottle.

Even as I was aware of the words leaving my mouth, I realized I couldn't really relate to the events I was describing, and I barely recognized my own voice. In a way, it was almost like I was telling someone else's story. I had the memories of that night, but I couldn't recall my thoughts or emotions. And I knew that was just as well.

**OoO******

**BPOV**

I _had_ been wondering, naturally, what finally happened to get the authorities involved and rescue Edward from the nightmare he was living, but at the same time, I was afraid of finding out. Because I knew it would be bad. Very bad. Quite frankly, I was surprised - to put it mildly - when I realized Edward was actually going to tell me.

For a brief moment, I considered asking him not to. But that was just the coward in me. For once, it seemed like he actually _wanted_ to talk, and if that was the case, then I would listen. No matter how badly it would tear me up on the inside.

We had started talking about my trip to Phoenix, and then I had dropped that stupid comment about how I wanted Edward to come with me. I suppose I just didn't think, because if I had, I would've realized it would be impossible. If Edward could get a panic attack in his own kitchen, of course he wouldn't be able to get on a plane and fly halfway across the country.

Then I asked him about school, and my heart broke for him all over again when he told me about how he would have a fit in the middle of the hallway, or in the classroom, just because a bunch of oblivious kids would approach him, or simply get in his way.

The irrational part of me felt anger towards Carlisle and Esme for putting him through that in the first place. Surely homeschooling would've been a better alternative, at least for the first couple of months, when he was obviously so emotionally unstable and traumatized. Then again, I knew they had only done what they thought best at the time.

Now I recalled Carlisle's words about Edward's fear of hospitals, and after hearing Edward's story, it made perfect sense to me. I realized the hospital staff had never intended to add to his distress and further alarm him, they had only been doing their job, but try to explain that to a frightened and injured child.

The more I thought about it, it only seemed natural that such a horrifying experience would be the last straw, leading to severe social issues and claustrophobia.

As much as my entire body literally ached when he told me all of this, I was also grateful that he was opening up to me. It was like he suddenly didn't feel the need to hide from me anymore, which thrilled me to no end. A part of me was amazed by how far we had come in such short amount of time.

But something changed when he started talking about that final night, and it took a moment before I could put my finger on it. Then I cast a look at his face and took in his blank appearance, and that was when it hit me. He was shutting down again, only this time, the words kept spilling out of his mouth as he was staring out into the distance, without doubt so far away that even I wouldn't be able to reach him.

My concern turned into apprehension, followed by deep sorrow for him. The tears were burning in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall, because whether or not Edward was actually aware of my presence at the moment, I knew he wouldn't want me to cry for him. But it was so hard not to, especially since I could just sit there, powerless, and listen to the horrors he was describing in that flat, empty voice.

I was afraid of interrupting him, and I was afraid of letting him go on, fearing he would end up having another attack or hurting himself, and this time, I would be all alone. But I forced my fears aside, focusing on just being there, my hand still in his as I was searching his face for any sign that he was about to snap out of the past and come back to me.

When it finally happened, I more felt than saw the change in him as his death grip on my hand eased. Then he slowly raised his head, blinked a few times, and turned look at to me. I couldn't read his expression, which bothered me deeply. In that moment, I found myself wishing he would just break down and cry or something, because that I could handle.

But this total absence of emotion, the apathy I saw in his eyes, that scared me even more than any of his panic attacks. And I didn't know what to do.

"Edward?" His name rolled over my lips as I kept gazing into his eyes, praying for any sign of acknowledgment. A few seconds passed, and then it was like a fog lifted, because all of the sudden, I could tell that Edward wasn't just looking at me, this time he was actually _seeing_ me. I nearly wept in relief.

"Bella..." His voice was small, frightened, reminding me of a child. "You said I'm not bad," he mumbled, his eyes searching mine almost pleadingly.

"You're not." My voice broke, but I didn't care. I squeezed his hand, wishing I could get him to believe me.

"Then why...?" His voice was trembling, but his eyes were dry, as were mine. "If I wasn't bad," he whispered, and I would never forget the look on his face as he went on, "...then why did he do it? Why did he do it, Bella?"

OoO

**End notes: I just want to point out that I never intended to go into graphic details when describing James abuse of Edward that final night. I just hope you're not disappointed and think I'm being too vague. If you are, well, then I'm sorry but this is the way I want it, so this is what you get. :)**


	53. Chapter 53

A/N: For some reason, I'm very nervous about this chapter. That said, I want to thank all of you who have taken time to leave me a review for last chapter. I'm so sorry I don't have the time to respond to all of you.

OoO

**BPOV**

_Why did he do it?_

I didn't know what to say, how to answer. As much as I wanted to just take Edward in my arms and hold him, I knew that was not what he needed from me right now. What he needed was an explanation, but that would be like trying to explain to someone why the universe existed. Nobody knew why, it just did. Just like nobody could know exactly how the mind of a crazy person worked.

But to just tell him that wouldn't be enough.

My bottom lip trembled and I kept my eyes locked on our hands. Mine seemed to fit perfectly in his. I caressed his thumb with mine. "Because he was a sick, evil, fucking bastard," I finally told him, not even trying to keep the hatred out of my voice. I raised my head, and saw that Edward was looking at me with a frown on his face.

I couldn't blame him - I hardly ever cursed, at least not out loud. But we were discussing his stepfather, and the mere thought of that monster made me feel an urge to yell out all the obscenities I could think of. I also wanted to scream, cry and break things. Finally I understood how Edward felt when the turmoil inside him just became too much, and he would simply explode.

Now he just watched me for a moment, his head tilted to the side. "You're angry," he then stated, although he sounded a little uncertain.

I forced myself to calm down a little and take a deep breath, fearing that he would think my anger was directed at him. Then I nodded in confirmation. "Yes. I'm so angry I can't even think straight. I hate him for what he did to you, and if I could, I would kill him without hesitation." I really meant it, which scared me a little, seeing how I had never imagined myself capable of harming another human being.

But I realized James wasn't worthy of being put in that category. Once again, I wished I knew which hospital he was in, wanting nothing more than to just pull the plug on him myself. It didn't seem right that they were keeping him alive, he didn't deserve the effort and attention.

After what he had done to Edward, he didn't deserve to live, period. But then again, by dying, he would get away too easy. It really was a no-win situation.

For a moment, neither of us spoke. Then Edward turned his face away. "I'm angry too," he admitted, quietly.

"You have a right to be." I wished he would look at me, but took the opportunity to wipe away the single tear that found its way down my cheek. "But be angry at _him_, not yourself. _He's_ the bad one. He hurt you. He..." The word _raped_ got stuck in my throat.

Edward's eyes shot to mine. "Don't fucking say it!" he ordered, and I gulped. He closed his eyes for a moment. "Don't say it," he then repeated, somewhat calmer this time, and when he continued, his voice was barely more than a whisper. "I know what he did."

I ran my fingers soothingly up and down his arm, the gesture meant to bring comfort to both of us. "Then you must know it was never your fault." He shook his head in objection, and I held back a sigh. "Edward-"

"Bella..." he cut me off, an almost desperate note in his voice. "You don't understand. I _need_ it to be my fault."

My eyes widened in shock. "Why?" I gasped.

"Because..." He stopped, and I wondered if he hesitated because he couldn't find the right words to explain, or if he simply didn't have an explanation. Either way, his words made absolutely no sense to me.

"Edward..." I swallowed. "I wish I could just tell you what you want to hear, but I need to be honest. Do you understand?" His eyes narrowed slightly, but he nodded. I went on, "You asked me why he hurt you. That's the only explanation I have - he was sick and twisted. He had no right to do what he did. If it wasn't you, it would've been someone else."

He blinked in surprise. "What do you mean, 'someone else'?"

I knew I had to choose my words very carefully. "I don't think it was ever about you, or anything you did. He just needed an excuse. Maybe he knew on some level that what he did was wrong; he needed to justify his actions. So he made you think you deserved it. But you didn't." I paused. "And if he hadn't gotten married to your mom, then he would've found some other woman."

The thought was sickening, but I truly believed that James easily would have found another innocent child to abuse. I wondered if he used to hurt Edward's mother as well, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to ask. Instead I remained quiet, giving him a chance to let my words sink in.

I nearly wept when Edward dropped my hand, and I could only watch helplessly as he got up and started pacing the room. As much as I wanted to go to him, or ask him what he was thinking, I could tell he wanted some space. And whether I liked it or not, I would give it to him. So I just sat there in silence, although my entire body was screaming in protest.

Suddenly he stopped, his eyes darting around the room almost desperately, as if he was looking for something, and I could see his fist clenching and un-clenching a few times. I opened my mouth, then closed it again, unsure of what to do. Finally his eyes landed on the empty plate where our sandwiches had been, and he quickly grabbed it and sent it flying right into the wall.

Luckily it was the opposite direction from where I was sitting, but the loud crash still made me jump to my feet, and my heart started beating wildly in my chest. "Edward, please stop!" I begged, tears welling up in my eyes. To my great relief, he instantly snapped out of it and turned his attention to me.

He just stared at me for a moment, looking almost horrified, and I realized he was shaking. I was about to step forward, but he quickly raised his hands and backed away. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, a pained look on his face. "I won't hurt you. Please don't be afraid of me."

My heart broke for him, and I was unable to hold back a sob. "I'm not afraid of you, baby," I whispered, feeling a desperate need to assure him. "I just don't want you to get hurt." His eyes went to the broken plate on the floor, and then back to me. I took a hesitant step towards him.

Much to my relief, he didn't back away this time. His eyes followed my hand as I slowly reached out to him, closing the distance between us. I let out a content sigh as he immediately wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close and burying his face in my hair. "I'm sorry," he murmured again.

"It's okay," I told him quietly, running one hand up and down his back. "You don't have to apologize." His only response was to squeeze me harder, as if he was afraid I would disappear. That was when my conversation with Carlisle suddenly played up in my head, and I remembered him telling me how he had talked to Edward about the possibility of his outbursts scaring me away.

I had meant to talk to Edward about that, but it had completely slipped my mind.

Now I pulled back a little. Edward stubbornly looked away, but I gently cupped his cheek and forced him to face me. "Edward, listen to me." I waited until I was certain I had his full attention before I went on, "I know what Carlisle said, but he's wrong. You can yell and rant as much as you want - I'm still not going anywhere. But I won't just sit and watch while you hurt yourself."

Edward frowned. "I wasn't-" He got interrupted by the sound of someone knocking frantically on the door. A moment later, I could hear Alice's worried voice calling out from the other side. I realized she must have heard the noise when Edward broke the plate.

I glanced at Edward. He was looking towards the door, but made no attempt to respond. Almost a minute passed, and then the knocking started again, louder this time. I sighed before calling out, "Everything's okay!" figuring that Edward wasn't in a mood for being confronted by his sister at the moment.

However, it was Emmett's voice I heard this time, and I realized he wouldn't just take my word for it. "Edward?" he asked, suspiciously. I honestly couldn't blame him.

I watched how Edward briefly closed his eyes, then spoke up between gritted teeth, "Yes, I'm fine. Fuck off!" Holding my breath for a moment, I was relieved when his only response was silence, and I realized Alice and Emmett must have left.

"They're just worried, you know," I said quietly. Edward cast a brief look in my direction, but didn't say anything. I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, contemplating what to do next. Aside from breaking the plate, he had yet to show any reaction to my opinion about James, and I had no idea what he was thinking. It left me with an uneasy feeling inside.

That's why I was both relieved and apprehensive when he finally did speak up in a low voice, "If I wasn't bad, if I didn't deserve it, then why didn't she stop him?"

My mouth fell open, and I felt a lump in my throat as I realized what he meant. His mother. I swallowed hard, having no idea how to respond. "I-I don't-"

He went on as if I hadn't spoken, "You say you love me. Carlisle and Esme too. If that's true, if you all can love me, then why couldn't she?" His voice cracked, and I had to press my fist against my mouth to keep from sobbing. In that moment, my mind was completely blank.

I didn't have any answers for him. For the first time, I felt like I was in over my head. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and make things worse. And at the same time, I knew I had to say _something_. Recalling Carlisle's words, I took a deep breath. "She was sick, too, Edward. Some kind of depression." I couldn't remember the actual term, but I figured it wasn't important right now.

Edward glanced at me, then looked away, but not quickly enough for me to miss the way his bottom lip was trembling. "It's not fucking fair," he mumbled, his voice husky with emotion. I could only nod my head in agreement, knowing my voice wouldn't hold if I tried to speak.

A few minutes passed in silence. Finally I spoke up, softly, "You're right - it's not fair. There's nothing fair about what happened to you, because you're a good person, and you never deserved any of that. But look at you now. You're surrounded by people who care about you and love you. Maybe it's time for you to take your life back." I held my breath, wondering if my words would get through to him.

He kept staring out into the distance. I decided to take a chance and placed my hand on his arm, nearly crying when he shook it off and stepped back. "My life?" he snorted. "That's a fucking joke, Bella. I never had one." Tears started trickling down my face, but I didn't bother wiping them away.

"You do now," I whispered. He turned to look at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I swallowed. "Edward? What are you thinking right now?"

"You don't want to know," he mumbled, looking away again.

My entire body ached to touch him, but he clearly wanted to keep some distance between us. I couldn't understand why, and I felt more hurt than I was ready to admit. "Try me," I challenged, feeling anger welling up inside me. Not at him, just the situation.

"I... I can't..." Edward let out a frustrated growl. "Need to fucking punch something," he muttered. I quickly grabbed a pillow from his bed and silently offered it to him. He gave me a skeptical look, but then his face softened. Letting out a defeated sigh, he took the pillow from me and tossed it back on the bed.

I bit my lip. "Can I please give you a hug?" When he just looked at me, I closed my eyes, preparing myself for rejection. But to my surprise - and relief - he reached out for me, and I immediately stepped into his arms. "Thank you," I whispered to whatever powers might be listening.

We just stood like that for a moment, and I rubbed his back until I felt at least some of the tension leave his body. Finally Edward pulled back a little, his eyes searching mine. "I'm so fucking tired of this, Bella," he whispered hoarsely, sounding so desperate and broken it nearly tore me apart.

"Of what, baby?" I asked softly, stroking his face. He closed his eyes, leaning into my touch. When he opened them again, a single tear rolled down his cheek, and he angrily brushed it away.

"This!" he responded heatedly, gesturing to himself. "Feeling this way. Being like this. I feel like my head's about to fucking explode. It's like..." he paused, searching for the right words, "...everything fucking hurts, and I don't know how to make it stop."

"I think..." I inhaled shakily. "You've been keeping all of this inside you for so long. Maybe you just need to let it out, once and for all. It's going to hurt, but I think you'll feel better once you can actually face what happened to you."

His eyes widened slightly, and he shook his head in refusal. "No, I can't..." His voice trailed off, and I didn't miss the fear in his eyes.

I reached for his hand, silently praying I wasn't about to make a huge mistake. "Why did your stepfather hurt you?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. When he finally spoke up, I could hear the conflict and doubt in his voice, "Because... he was sick?" It came out as a question, but the fact that he was even considering it gave me hope.

"That's right." I nodded eagerly, struggling to keep more tears from falling. I was so sick of crying. "Not because you were bad. He was a sick person, and he had no right to..." I hesitated, knowing I was taking a huge risk by pushing him in this direction. But it also seemed necessary. "Edward, tell me what he did to you."

Edward paled, understanding dawning on him. "He..." He stopped, looking at me with large, fearful eyes.

"It's okay," I encouraged, squeezing his hand. "You can say it." A part of me felt like a hypocrite for asking him to admit that his stepfather had raped him, when I couldn't even bring myself to say the word. But I got a sinking feeling that hearing himself saying it out loud was the only way he would be able to believe - and hopefully accept - that it wasn't really his fault.

He shook his head. "Bella, I..."

"You know it in here," I whispered, placing one hand gently on his chest, over his heart. As I raised my other hand, I noticed how badly it was shaking. "I think you need to say it out loud to really grasp it in here." I brushed my fingers against his temple. "Otherwise you'll never be able to move on."

Shaking his head again, he gave me a pleading look. "Please, don't..."

"As long as you keep hiding from the truth, you'll never truly heal," I told him quietly. "You just said so yourself - you don't want to feel this way anymore. You want the pain to stop. Well, it won't, not until you'll stop living in denial." I had no idea where the words were coming from, but as soon as they had left my mouth, I knew in my heart it was true. Painful or not, he needed to hear this.

"But I..." He swallowed hard, and I could see his Adam's apple bob. "I'm fucking scared," he finally choked out.

"I know, baby." Gently taking his face between my hands, I rested my forehead against his, feeling his breathing coming out in short, uneven gasps. "It's okay, I'm right here. You're not alone." His arms went around me and he clung to me almost desperately.

"Don't make me say it," he all but whimpered, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

I slipped my arms around his neck and pressed my cheek against his. "Shh. I'll never force you to do anything you don't want to." I felt him relax a little. "I love you," I murmured into his ear.

He pulled back, just enough so he could look at me. "Bella, I can't-"

I interrupted him by brushing my lips gently against his. "Edward, I know. You don't have to say it back. That's not why I told you. I did because I wanted to, because that's how I feel." I paused. "I love you."

His bottom lip quivered, but he didn't say anything. Instead he just watched me silently, and I could see the emotions swimming in his eyes. I meant what I said - I didn't need to hear the words to know how he felt about me. Because when he was looking at me like that, it was written all over his face.

"I love you," I repeated slowly, looking him deep in the eyes. It took a moment, and then his face crumpled. I wordlessly hugged him closer, and we sank down on the floor together.

I don't know how long we sat like that, but eventually I noticed that the room had gotten darker. I didn't care, though; I was fully content where I was and I suspected Edward felt the same way. We hadn't spoken since the last time I told him I loved him, but that was okay - words weren't necessary.

Or so I thought, until I heard Edward whisper in my ear, so quietly I was barely able to make out the words, "I love you too."


	54. Chapter 54

**A/N:**** A huge thanks to all the lovely ladies at Twitter - you know who you are - who helped me with my 'ice-cream dilemma'. *lol* Also, thanks to all of you who left me a review for the last chapter!**

**Some people have asked me if I have any personal experience with abuse or if I'm working as a therapist or counselor. The answer is no. I'm just making this up as I go, relying on my imagination.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

As soon as the words had left my mouth, I froze. Not because I wanted to take them back, but it shook me to the very core that I was able to say them in the first place. And what surprised me the most was the fact that there was nothing forced about those four little words I had just uttered - it felt completely natural.

I could hear Bella's sharp intake of air, but to my relief, her only response was to hug me tighter. We sat like that for a while, until the silence was starting to bother me. In a way it felt good - not having to speak, just reveling in the feeling of Bella's arms around me - but at the same time, there was nothing to distract me from my troubled thoughts.

And eventually I reached the point where it just became too much.

"Ice-cream!" I suddenly blurted out, pulling back a little. Bella blinked in surprise, looking at me like I had just grown a second head. I cleared my throat, feeling pretty stupid. "I mean, you wanted ice-cream, right? Me too. I'll just go get some, I'll be right back," I babbled, reluctantly releasing her and getting to my feet.

A part of me wanted her to stop me, another part prayed that she wouldn't.

She frowned, but rose as well. "Edward, are you-"

I cut her off by placing a soft peck on her lips. It would never cease to amaze me how good that felt. "I'm okay, I just need..." I hesitated, because I honestly didn't think I could explain what it was I needed - I wasn't completely sure myself.

Numerous thoughts and images were flying through my head. I didn't want to think about what Bella had told me about James and myself, mostly because the mere idea of acknowledging the fact that she might be right scared me half to death. But deep down, I also knew I had _avoided_ thinking for too long. And now it was all threatening to hit me at once.

By some miracle, Bella seemed to understand, because her face softened and she nodded, although she still appeared to be somewhat confused. "Ice-cream would be good," she agreed, quietly. "I'll just wait here."

I found it a bit strange how eager I had been to get out of the room, because the moment I stepped through the door and out in the hallway, I missed her, so much I almost turned back. But I forced myself to head downstairs, knowing Bella would still be there when I returned.

It almost frightened me, how dependent I had become of her - I needed Bella in my life like I needed air in my lungs to breathe. And I still had a hard time to take in the fact that every time I would open my arms, she was right there. Except that next weekend, for at least a couple of days, she wouldn't be. I quickly pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

I didn't really want any ice-cream, but it was the only thing I had been able to come up with. Of course, I wouldn't fool myself into thinking our conversation was over, but I desperately needed a break.

Unfortunately, my mind was still racing. I had just told Bella I loved her. Or more like whispered, but still, the words didn't throw me into a fit of panic. If anything, I wanted to tell her again, and this time, I wanted to look her in the eyes, see the reaction on her face.

Did that mean there was hope for me after all? That maybe I wasn't completely fucked up? I honestly didn't know what to think.

I found Emmett in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards. On the counter next to him was already enough junk food to feed an army. And he was still looking for more? I shook my head in disbelief. "Seriously, how much can you eat?" I asked incredulously as I walked over to the freezer and pulled out an almost full carton of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice-cream.

Jumping slightly - he had obviously not heard me enter the room - Emmett spun around, an almost guilty look on his face. However, his expression changed as he watched me hesitate for a moment and then pick up a pint of Rocky Road as well. "You're one to talk," he muttered, nodding pointedly towards the ice-cream.

I automatically opened my mouth to throw some kind of insult at him, but then realized he had a point. Not to mention that I felt a bit bad for snapping at him before, when he had obviously just meant to check on me. So I just shrugged, desperately trying to come up with something nice to say instead. But I came up blank. The thought of simply apologizing didn't cross my mind.

He looked annoyed - not that I could blame him - grabbed his things and strode across the room, clearly intending to leave. I should've just let him go, but my brain suddenly kicked into gear and I spoke up, "So, um, Bella liked the cookies."

Emmett stopped, looking cautiously at me over his shoulder. "Yeah? That's... good."

I nodded in agreement, although I was cringing on the inside, wondering why I always felt so awkward talking to him. Clearing my throat, I went on, "Anyway, thanks for giving me a ride to the store. Can't remember if I actually told you that before." As soon as I had said it, I was instantly reminded of the humiliating episode in the car. "Fuck this, I'm out of here," I muttered, heading for the door.

However, the sound of Emmett's dry chuckle made me freeze in my tracks. I turned to give him a questioning look. He was shaking his head, watching me with what could only be described as frustration. "Man, you must be bipolar or something. Really, I'm not trying to offend you, but it's fucking exhausting to try to keep up with you and your mood swings."

My eyes narrowed, but I remained silent. Despite his words, there was nothing cruel or hostile in his voice, he just appeared to be at a complete loss. Again, I didn't blame him. "Told you I'm an ass," I finally managed to get out. Normally I would've stormed out of the room, before or after saying something I would come to regret later. But right now, I didn't seem to have it in me.

He watched me for a moment, then let out a sigh. "Only when you're trying to be," he mumbled. A beat. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're trying too hard?"

I rolled my eyes, feeling slightly insulted, but knew I had it coming. "I'm working on it," I muttered. He gave me a skeptical look, but nodded.

For a minute or so, neither of us said anything, and I was just about to leave the room when Emmett suddenly spoke up again, "So, what did you break before?"

I grimaced, really not wanting to have this conversation, but aside from just telling him to mind his own fucking business, I didn't know how to get out of it. So I sighed. "A plate."

"Huh." He nodded in understanding. "Which one?"

My brows went up and I stared at him in disbelief. "What fucking difference does it make?"

Emmett shrugged. "Just thought it might be one of those ugly things Alice gave Dad last Christmas. You know, the ones that had pink cats on them? I've been meaning to break them myself and make it look like an accident, so if you did, good for you!" I just looked at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. He went on, sounding hopeful, "If you didn't, well, maybe you could consider it for the next time?"

I snorted, then couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, sure, I'll see what I can do."

He got a pleased look on his face, and for a moment I wondered what the fuck had gotten into me. Was I actually joking about my fucking temper tantrums? And with Emmett of all people? I shook my head, deciding that some part of my brain must have stopped functioning after telling Bella I loved her.

Bella, who was up in my room right now, waiting for me to come back. I instantly sobered up. It wasn't until I re-entered my room and watched Bella's face light up that I realized Emmett had - unintentionally, but still - given me the distraction I so desperately needed, at least for the moment.

As soon as I handed it to her, Bella started digging into the ice-cream with delight, and I watched her eating in silence, contemplating whether or not I should say anything. I felt emotionally drained, but then again, it was a feeling I had become quite familiar with lately. She would glance at me every once in a while, sometimes smiling, other times looking concerned.

I was grateful that she obviously wouldn't push me into a conversation, but at the same time, I seemed to find it easier to talk about the heavy stuff when she was the one initiating it. Of course, I didn't really feel like continuing our discussion from before, but I knew we weren't finished. And I wanted to get it over with, once and for all.

So I took a deep breath. "Bella, about before..."

She immediately looked up, placing her hand on my arm. "Edward, we don't have to do this now. We can just..." Then she paled. "Wait, is this about... what you said to me? That you..." She swallowed. "You didn't mean it?" All of a sudden, she looked absolutely crestfallen, and I mentally cursed myself for putting that miserable look on her face.

"Bella, no." I felt an almost desperate need to assure her that I hadn't been dishonest with her. "I don't regret what I said, please don't think that I do. I wasn't lying."

Bella shook her head, her expression still sad. "I know, baby, I'm not saying you were. I'm just being paranoid, I guess." She blushed. "It's stupid. I started thinking after you left, and I got scared. I thought maybe you spoke too soon, in the heat of the moment, you know? I was afraid you'd... take it back." The last part came out as a whisper, and she lowered her eyes.

I suddenly realized what it must have looked like - me all but rushing out of the room, shortly after telling her the words she had probably never expected to hear from me, at least not tonight. I hadn't given Bella's feelings a second's thought. Now I recalled Carlisle insisting that I needed to start thinking before I acted, and it pained me to admit he was right.

It was just so fucking hard to remember, seeing how I had never cared before.

"I'm still not used to this," I told her now, praying Bella would understand, because she was always so understanding, always seemed to know me better than I knew myself. "I've never felt this way before, the way I feel when I'm with you. Or when I'm _not_ with you, for that matter, fuck, it makes me feel like a part of myself is missing." The words were just coming, and I couldn't stop them.

In all honesty, I wasn't sure I _should_ stop - I needed her to hear this, even though my messed up thoughts probably wouldn't make much sense to her.

"I know I said I didn't think I could love," I went on, quickly so she wouldn't get a chance to stop me, because I feared that if I wouldn't tell her this now, I'd never find the courage again. "But when I'm around you, everything just feels... right, you know? Like I finally..." I let out a frustrated sigh when I couldn't find the right words to explain.

Bella had been watching me with large eyes, and it bothered me that I had no way of knowing what was going on inside her head. Did she believe me? Did she even get what I was trying to tell her? Or did she just think I was crazy? Well, if that was the case, I decided I couldn't blame her.

"Edward..." she started tentatively, but I raised my hand to stop her. She pressed her lips together, watching me somewhat warily, yet expectantly.

"Half of the times, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing," I admitted, placing my palm against her cheek and watched how her eyes closed. "But you make me want to try, anyway. Try to change, to be better. For you."

Bella's eyes snapped open. "Edward, no, that's not what I want. I don't want you to change for me, I love you just the way you are."

"I know you do." I frowned, because up until that moment, I hadn't fully believed it. Or maybe I had, on some level - I just didn't dare to hope it was real. But now, as I found myself looking into Bella's eyes, I could no longer doubt her feelings for me. Or my feelings for her, for that matter.

Her face lit up at my words, and her hopeful expression made me feel all warm inside. I went on, quietly, "And that's why I want to try even harder. I know I'm..." I managed to stop myself before the words 'fucked up' had left my mouth, "...that I have issues," I finished instead, knowing by the look on her face that she had seen through my almost-slip. "But I want to work on getting past them."

She stared at me in astonishment. "Really?"

I felt a huge lump in my throat when I saw the pure hope shining in her eyes, and nodded. "I just wanna be fucking normal," I croaked, horrified when my voice cracked.

Bella gave me a sad smile, leaning forward so I could wrap my arms around her, and happily snuggled into my embrace. I would never understand how she always seemed to know just what it was I needed. We just sat like that - holding each other - for almost half an hour, until I noticed how she tried to stifle a yawn. I pulled back a little, unable to keep from smiling when she immediately moaned in protest.

"You're tired," I murmured, stroking her hair. Bella stubbornly shook her head, just clinging to me tighter. I chuckled. "Well, okay, but _I_ am. It's been a long day. Why don't we just..." I stopped myself abruptly as I realized we had never actually discussed sleeping arrangements.

"What's wrong?" She immediately pulled back in alarm.

"Nothing, I just..." I cleared my throat. "Um, I was just wondering if you'd prefer sleeping on the couch, or if you want me to..." My voice trailed off and I shrugged in embarrassment, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Can't I sleep with you?" My eyes shot to hers, and she blushed furiously as she clearly must have realized how her words came out. "Oh God, no, I-I just meant..." she stuttered, ducking her head.

I inhaled. "I know what you meant. And there's nothing I want more."

Ten minutes later, I was sitting awkwardly at the edge of my bed, waiting for Bella to return from the bathroom. I had changed into my usual sleeping attire - sweat pants and a t-shirt - and wondered what was taking her so long. Finally she appeared in the doorway, looking a little nervous. "Hi," she whispered, her cheeks turning slightly red.

"Hi." I swallowed, my eyes running over her as I was taking in her appearance. She was barefoot, wearing dark blue cotton pajama pants and a white tank top - simple, yet absolutely stunning. My mouth suddenly felt dry. As she shyly looked down at her feet, I realized she must have caught me staring, and gulped. "So, um, do you...?" My voice trailed off as she wordlessly moved into the room.

She stopped by the bottom of the bed, biting her lip in that nervous way I had come to find adorable. I didn't think my voice would hold if I tried to speak, so I just slipped under the thick duvet and held out my hand, knowing she would take it. Smiling a little, Bella quickly climbed into bed and joined me under the covers.

For a moment, we both just lay there next to each other in silence, our hands and shoulders touching, but nothing else. Finally Bella spoke up, softly, "Won't you get warm?" Seeing the look on my face, she hurried to add, "I mean, as long as you're comfortable..." blushing fiercely.

I shook my head, not wanting her to think it was her presence that made me feel ill at ease. "No, I always sleep like this."

"Oh." She fell silent.

Briefly closing my eyes, I sighed. "I've got... scars, Bella. I don't want..." I stopped and turned my face away, suddenly ashamed. A part of me told me I shouldn't be, because this was Bella, but I couldn't help myself.

I suppose I should have expected it, but I was still a bit startled when I felt her soft hand on my cheek, gently forcing me to face her. "Do you really think that bothers me?" she whispered, brushing her lips tenderly against mine.

It felt so good. I let out a shuddering breath. "It bothers _me_," I then admitted, quietly.

"Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Bella hesitated a little. "Will you show me... some day?"

I thought about it, then nodded. "Some day." _Preferably years from now._

She smiled and curled up on her side, and her arm went around my waist. "Let's just try to get some sleep now, okay baby?"

Her head seemed to fit so perfectly in the crook of my neck. I couldn't help but smile as well. "I like it when you call me that," I mumbled, resting my cheek against the top of her head and inhaling the sweet smell of her hair.

"I know," she breathed, and I could tell she was about to fall asleep. "Night, baby."

I carefully slid my arms around her and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to claim me.


	55. Chapter 55

**A/N:****Again, thank you all for your wonderful reviews! A special thanks to Salix caprea for nominating Loner at the Glove Awards, I'm so amazed and grateful. **

**This is the original chapter. There is a line in here that my validation beta at Twilighted found to be too graphic, so I had to remove it. Consider yourselves warned. Let's see if anyone can guess which line I'm talking about.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

_I was walking through some kind of a hallway, looking for something, only I couldn't remember what I was trying to find. Darkness was surrounding me, but I could see a faint light ahead, and moved towards it. That was when I heard the sound of footsteps behind me, and started walking faster._

_All of a sudden, I could hear voices all around me, mumbling incoherently at first, but as they grew louder, I realized I still couldn't understand what they were saying. It frightened me, and I started running, but I couldn't outrun the noise, as if it was coming from inside my head._

_Panic started welling up inside me and I squeezed my eyes shut, dropping to my knees and covering my ears with my hands. When I finally opened my eyes again, I found myself huddling in the corner of a room that was all too familiar, and I failed to hold back a sob, casting a desperate look around me as I was searching for someone - anyone - who could save me._

_But I was all alone, except for..._

_My eyes widened as I spotted a woman with bronze-colored hair at the far side of the room, facing away from me, and it only took a moment before I recognized her. In fear of getting punished if I spoke without permission, I remained where I was, praying she would notice me before he showed up._

_But when she finally turned around, she made no sign of acknowledging me. My fear got replaced by anger. "Why won't you help me?" I demanded. No response._

_"Because she knows better than interfering," James spoke up from the doorway, his voice causing me to jump and shrink back against the wall. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him, and started towards me. "Now," he went on in a seemingly calm voice, although I wasn't fooled, "I heard you misbehaved again today. Don't you ever learn, boy?"_

_I shook my head in fear. "No, I didn't do anything, I promise." He was in my face before I even realized he had moved, raising his fist as he prepared himself to strike. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the pain._

_"Edward?" My eyes snapped open at the sound of Bella's voice, and my eyes darted wildly around the room as I searched for her. Bella was here? What the fuck was she doing here? I needed to protect her, I couldn't let James hurt her._

_I noticed I was no longer on the floor. Instead I was standing at the other side of the room, at the same spot where my mother had been just a moment ago. Now she was nowhere to be seen, and I felt a familiar stab of betrayal in my chest. "She left," I choked out, and my vision became blurry as my eyes filled with tears. "She always fucking leaves!"_

_"I know." Bella walked up behind me, slipping her arms around me and pressing her cheek against my back. "You don't belong here, baby," she murmured soothingly, her fingers running tenderly through my hair. "Why do you keep coming back?"_

_I wanted to turn around so I could hug her, needed to feel her in my arms to believe she was real, but found myself unable to turn my back against the scene playing out in front of me. "I never fucking left," I responded truthfully, watching James towering above a much younger version of myself across the room._

_"I guess you're right," Bella said quietly, and I glanced at her over my shoulder. She bit her lip. "Just come back to me," she whispered, pleadingly. "I don't want you to stay here." I just shrugged, helplessly. She sniffled, and I quickly turned my face away, not wanting to see the tears in her eyes._

_"Get up and move over to the bed!" James ordered coldly, and I watched how the boy - no, _I_ - struggled to keep the fear and despair from showing as he scrambled to his feet, clearly not daring to disobey._

_"He's hurting him," I all but whimpered, reaching blindly behind me for Bella._

_She was right there, immediately taking my trembling hand in hers. "He's hurting _you_," she corrected softly, and I could only nod, the huge lump in my throat preventing me from speaking._

_As James started towards the bed, I finally turned my back on him. I knew what was coming, and I couldn't stand the idea of watching for another second. "He fucking raped me,"I admitted then, barely recognizing my own voice._

_Tears started trickling down Bella's face, and I found myself willing to do anything to remove her pain. "Yes," she agreed in a thick voice. "He did."_

_"I couldn't stop him." I reached out to brush her tears away while I completely ignored that my own were falling. "I should've tried harder."_

_Bella shook her head. "No, baby, _she_ should've stopped him. You were just a kid, it was never up to you." I opened my mouth to object, but she gently placed a finger over my lips. "It's okay, baby, I'm right here," she whispered. "I love you."_

_"Love you," I mumbled in a broken voice, unable to do anything but look into her brown eyes._

_She smiled, despite the tears. "Come on. It's time to go."_

_"Where?" I asked, tightening my grip on her hand as I was suddenly terrified she would leave without me._

_But the look in her eyes told me she wouldn't._

_"Home," she responded, pressing her lips softly against mine. "We're going home." As she tugged gently on my hand, leading me towards the door, I followed without objection._

_And as I left the room and stepped out into the unknown, I never looked back once._

**OoO**

**BPOV**

I was confused and disoriented at first, as I couldn't figure out what it was that had caused me to wake up. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, and I blinked a couple of times. But the second my eyes landed on Edward, twisting and moaning next to me on the bed, I was suddenly wide awake.

He was obviously having a nightmare - a bad one, by the look of things. I hesitantly sat up, not quite sure what to do. Should I wake him up? Tentatively reaching out a hand, I then froze as he mumbled something I couldn't make out. I leaned in a little closer, prepared to give his shoulder a little shake if I had to, but at the same time, I was afraid of startling him even further.

"No, I didn't do anything, I promise," he whispered pleadingly, sounding absolutely terrified.

I decided enough was enough. Startled by the movement or not, it had to be better than whatever horrors haunting him in that moment. "Edward?" I whispered, carefully placing my hand on his cheek. He immediately became still, although he didn't wake up.

When he started moaning again, rolling over so he was facing away from me, I scooted closer and slid back down so I was spooning him, slipping one arm around his trembling body and pressed my cheek against his back. His fist clenched and un-clenched, and I wondered what was going on inside his mind. "Just come back to me," I pleaded softly.

In the next moment a fearful whimper escaped him, and his arm flew up to reach desperately behind him, as if he knew on some level that I was right there. I instantly grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. He seemed to calm down a little as he rolled over towards me, still fully asleep.

"He fucking raped me," he mumbled then, and I could see his eyes moving slightly under his closed lids. Tears welled up in my eyes.

"Yes," I breathed, refusing to let go of him even for a second so I could wipe my eyes. "He did." He tensed up and started muttering again, and tears began to spill down his cheeks. I rubbed his arm, whispering meaningless words of comfort as I kept begging him to wake up.

Eventually he became silent, if only for a brief moment. When his lips started moving again, I carefully covered his mouth with my finger. "It's okay, baby, I'm right here," I murmured soothingly. "I love you."

"Love you," he echoed, and I couldn't keep the happiness from bubbling up inside me at his words, not caring about the fact that he probably wasn't even aware of saying them. I brushed my lips gently against his and cuddled up next to him, as close as I could possibly get without climbing on top of him.

I felt how Edward finally relaxed against me, subconsciously snuggling into my embrace as he let out a soft sigh. His breathing soon became steady and even, and I was relieved beyond words when I realized he must have ridden out the nightmare without waking up once.

My hands were still shaking slightly as I ran my fingers absently through his hair, wondering if he would remember anything in the morning.

**OoO**

**EPOV**

Even before I was fully awake, I was aware of Bella's presence. She was still asleep, curled up on her side with one arm around me and her other hand buried in my hair. I shifted a little, just so I could look at her properly. She looked so peaceful, a faint smile on her face, and I was relieved. For some reason, an image of Bella in tears flashed through my head.

That was when I remembered parts of my nightmare. I had been back there, in my old room in Chicago. Bella had been there as well, and for the first time ever, the outcome of the dream had changed. Even now, when it was just a faint memory, I could feel the difference. For one thing, I felt relaxed, almost at peace, and fully rested.

It seemed as if Bella had managed to find a way into not only my battered heart and soul, but into my dreams as well. I shook my head in amazement, wondering once again what I had ever done to deserve her. She was my salvation, and I knew I would never be able to thank her enough.

Suddenly Bella shifted in her sleep. My eyes widened slightly as her leg slid across mine and she subconsciously pressed herself closer to me. All of a sudden, I could feel her soft breasts against my chest, and before I even realized what I was doing, I was pressing my lower body against hers.

Bella let out a soft moan, automatically responding by mimicking my movements. "Mm, Edward..." she breathed, and I gasped. There was a tingling sensation, and I felt myself growing hard. For a moment, the feeling was indescribable. Then I felt like I had just been hit by a bucket of ice-water, and froze dead in my tracks.

_What the fuck am I doing?_

I pulled back abruptly, just as Bella's eyes fluttered open. Her face was a mixture of surprise and confusion. "What...?" she started, but I didn't wait for her to finish as I scrambled away from her and jumped out of bed. "Edward?" Bella quickly threw the duvet to the side and sat up, sounding alarmed. "What's wrong?"

Even though it physically hurt to ignore her, I couldn't bring myself to answer - or even turn to look at her - as I rushed out of the room and fled into the bathroom, my heart pounding wildly in my chest.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, what is happening to me?_

Okay, so I wasn't completely stupid - I had been forced to endure the dreaded sex education in school just as everyone else. But I had done my best to block it all and push it to the farthest back of my mind, fully convinced that it would never concern me in any way. Sex was bad, shameful. Disgusting.

I shuddered as I recalled forcing myself not to cry out in agony as he slammed into me over and over again, until I was certain the pain would cut me in half, and I just wished for the mercy of unconsciousness. Something so fucking repulsive, so _ugly_ could never be good.

But here I was, locked up in the bathroom, shaking and sweating, with a throbbing fucking erection. All because of Bella, who I had practically molested in her sleep. I was no better than James.

_Fuck!_

I sank to the floor, buried my head in my knees and tried to get my breathing under control as I struggled against the panic threatening to overwhelm me. Oh God, what had I done? The fact that we had both been fully clothed was lost on me. What if I had hurt her?

"Edward!" I could hear Bella's voice outside, sounding close to tears as she was pounding frantically on the door. "I don't understand what happened! What did I do? Please, just open up and talk to me!"

Tugging forcefully at my hair, I tried to block her out, although not succeeding. It didn't sound like she was mad at me, but I still couldn't bring myself to face her, at least not yet. I needed some time to think, to clear my head, but my mind was racing in all kinds of directions, none of them pleasant.

The knocking stopped for a moment, and I thought I heard Bella talking to someone. Then I could hear Emmett's booming voice at the other side of the door, sounding almost as distressed as Bella. "Hey Edward, are you okay? What's going on? Open up!"

_Like hell I will,_ I thought, wishing they would both just leave me alone, because I couldn't even think straight. A part of me longed for Bella's presence and comfort, but at the same time, I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. She obviously thought she was the one to blame for my meltdown just now, and I couldn't deal with that shit on top of everything else.

Once again, she needed me to be there for her, and I couldn't. A choked sob escaped me. The knocking continued for a while, and I could still hear their concerned voices calling out for me, but eventually they became silent, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Maybe Bella gave up and went home. The mere thought caused my heart to ache, but I knew I couldn't blame her if she left now. I remained on the floor for a couple of minutes, pathetically rocking back and forth until my traitorous cock was no longer bothering me as it was now hanging completely limp between my legs.

I finally managed to pull myself together enough to get up from the floor, peel off my clothes, and get into the shower. As I stood there for a long time under the steaming water, I tried in vain to scrub off the disturbing feeling of being dirty and unclean, but seeing how it was clearly just in my head, it didn't quite work.

About ten minutes later, I had put my t-shirt and sweatpants back on since I hadn't been able to bring any clean clothes with me, and there was no way I would walk even the few steps back to my room in nothing but a towel. To my relief, the hallway was seemingly empty, and neither Bella nor Emmett were in sight.

I quickly slipped back into my room, only to stop dead in my tracks as I immediately spotted Emmett, sitting restlessly at the edge of my bed. Glancing around the room, I realized he was alone, and swallowed hard. "Where's Bella?" I managed to get out in a hoarse voice.

"I told her to wait in Alice's room," he answered quietly, his eyes worriedly scanning my face.

Letting out the breath I had been holding, I nodded in understanding, feeling strangely relieved she was still in the house. "Would you please leave?" I asked then, unable to bring myself to put any real energy in my request. He just shook his head, and I sighed and slumped down in a chair, lacking the strength and will to argue with him.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" he finally asked, carefully. I rolled my eyes, but didn't respond. He let out a sigh. "Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I do know Bella's quite upset right now. Apparently, all she wants is for you to talk to her, but since you're clearly not in a mood for that, would you please just explain to me? Maybe I can help."

I automatically snorted, but the look on Emmett's face told me he was serious. I shook my head. "Why do you even care?" He just looked at me expectantly, and I groaned. "Fuck this! I'm not talking to you. You wouldn't understand, anyway."

"Try me." There was a challenging note in his voice. I pressed my lips together and refused to meet his eyes, hoping he would just take the hint and leave. No such luck. When Emmett seemed to realize I wasn't going to say anything, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Okay, mind if I just guess then?"

My eyes narrowed and I gave him a warning look. However, my hostile glare wasn't enough to discourage him as he went on, "You and Bella are together in your bed, _sleeping,_" he emphasized the word, "and then all of a sudden you freak out on her. She has no idea what happened, so it can't be about anything she said."

"Emmett," I growled, daring him to continue. "Just fucking let it go."

Emmett let out a nervous laugh. "Seriously, man, there's nothing wrong with..." He cleared his throat. "I mean, it happens to me all the time. You're just lucky to have Bella around - it's not nearly as fun waking up with a hard-on when you're all alone." A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him.

"Fun?" I stared at him in disbelief, totally forgetting to be on my guard. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Oh, come on!" His tentative grin disappeared and he crossed his arms over his chest. "You make it sound like it's the end of the world or something. What's the big deal? Really, it's cool."

"It's not fucking cool!" I glared at him. "I would never hurt Bella."

His expression changed into confusion. "Hurt her? I never said you would. We're talking about..." his voice became uncertain, "...sex here, right? Which is a good thing. Why would you say...?" His voice trailed off.

"There's nothing good about sex!" I blurted out without thinking. "I would never do that to her." Seeing how Emmett tilted his head to the side, watching my face closely, I realized I may have said too much. I swallowed hard, wrapping my arms protectively around myself as I felt a chill run down my spine.

My entire body was suddenly screaming at me to leave, before he would figure it out. But somehow, my feet refused to move.

"Wait a minute..." Emmet hesitated, and I could practically see the wheels turning in his head. My eyes shot to his as I silently begged him to stop. He slowly started shaking his head, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him, because all color suddenly left his face and his mouth fell open. "Dude..." he whispered, his eyes wide as saucers.

I turned around and ran.


	56. Chapter 56

**A/N:****To all my readers - new and old - who have been so kind and left me reviews so far, thank you all so much! I really wish I had the time to respond to all of you.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

I was standing outside the bathroom, pleading with Edward to open the door, and was met by nothing but silence from the other side. Forcing back a sob, I wondered what the hell just happened, because it made absolutely no sense to me. One moment I had been sleeping, having the most amazing dream, and in the next, I was jolted awake as Edward all but flew out of bed and bolted from the room.

At first I thought maybe he'd had another nightmare, but that didn't explain why he would refuse to answer me now when I called out for him. So, was it me, then? Was it something I did, or said, maybe in my sleep? I rested my forehead against the door, feeling tears burning in my eyes.

And here I thought things were finally okay, hell, even better than just okay. Edward and I had been talking, _really_ talking, and when he actually told me he loved me, I had been over the moon. And now... I just didn't understand what went wrong. Why did he run like that? Why wouldn't he talk to me?

"Bella? What's the matter?" I was startled by a low male voice coming from behind me and spun around, only to find Emmett standing in the doorway to his room, at the other side of the hallway. When I couldn't bring myself to respond, he started towards me, a concerned look on his face. "Edward?" he asked me, nodding at the closed door leading into the bathroom.

Fighting back the tears, I nodded. "I don't know what happened, he just..." I shrugged helplessly, biting my lip. Then I watched as Emmett quickly strode up to me and pounded his fist against the door.

"Hey Edward, are you okay? What's going on? Open up!" No response. My heart sank, although I couldn't say I was surprised. Emmett kept knocking and calling out Edward's name a couple of times before he gave up and turned to me, carefully grabbing my arm and pulling me a couple of steps away from the door. "Okay, what the hell just happened?"

"I just told you - I don't know!" I folded my arms defensively across my chest. "We were sleeping - or at least _I_ was - when suddenly he just panicked or something and took off. And now he won't talk to me." I sniffled.

"Sleeping?" Emmett raised a brow, skeptically. "In the same bed?"

"Yeah, so?" I glared at him. "Do you have a problem with that?"

He immediately raised his hands. "Of course not, I never said I did. I just..." His voice trailed off as he got a thoughtful look on his face. "Um, okay, don't punch me for asking, but you guys didn't happen to... _sleep_," he let out a somewhat nervous chuckle, "...in any, um, intimate position, did you?" I just stared at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Was there any - I can't believe I'm saying this - groping?"

"Emmett!" My cheeks turned bright red. "I can't believe you'd ask...!" I furiously shook my head, too embarrassed to continue.

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "I'm not asking to still my morbid curiosity, if that's what you think. But I might have an idea what's going on. I could be wrong, but-"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded, interrupting him.

Emmett sighed. "Listen, he'll have to come out of there eventually. Do me a favor and go wait in Alice's room while I talk to him."

I stared at him like he had just grown a second head, and snorted. "Yeah, right, not gonna happen."

"Bella..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "You really don't trust me at all, do you?" he then asked in a frustrated voice.

"I'm sorry - I want to." I lowered my eyes. "I want to believe that you care about Edward, and a part of me knows that you do, at least on some level. But it's kind of hard, especially since I just keep hearing you telling me that first day in the cafeteria how Edward's not really your brother."

"Are you...?" He stared at me in disbelief. "I can't believe you'd bring that up after all this time! I was having a bad day. I was pissed off."

"At Edward?" I gave him an expectant look. He didn't respond. "So you _do_ think of him as your brother, then?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. "Yes, of course I do."

This was hardly the right time, and I knew I wasn't being fair, but I couldn't help myself as I went on, "Is that why you kept telling him he shouldn't mess with you, or your parents would send him back to Chicago?" Anger welled up inside me as I remembered Emmett's confession a couple of weeks ago.

Guilt flashed across his face. "We were just kids! I didn't mean it. It's not like it would've happened, anyway."

"Well, he didn't know that!" I was fuming now. "And back when we first met? You said you were having a bad day. You must've had a lot of bad days, then, because every time I saw you, you were always provoking him, putting him down."

Emmett's face fell, and he was quiet for a moment. "I've done some things I'm not very proud of," he finally admitted, quietly. "But that doesn't mean..." He stopped and cocked his head to the side, listening. I frowned, following his gaze to the bathroom door, and realized I could hear the faint sound of the shower running.

"Look, Bella," he continued, suddenly looking very tired. "I realize I didn't give you a very good first impression of me. But I need you to trust me on this. Just give Edward some space. I'm not asking you to leave the house, just that you go into Alice's room and wait there for a while. I'm honestly just trying to help." He looked me right in the eyes.

My face softened at his words, because while a part of me was still upset with him for the way he had treated Edward in the past, I knew deep down that Emmett and I wanted the same thing now - we were on the same page. Glancing at the closed door again, I quickly wiped away a tear. "Are you going to tell me what this is all about?"

He shrugged, suddenly appearing to be a little embarrassed. "Just guy stuff," was all he offered in explanation.

I wasn't satisfied with the answer, but decided to just do as he said. As much as I wanted to refuse and just stay right there on the spot until Edward came out, something told me he had run away from me for a reason. He obviously didn't want to see me right now - for reasons completely unknown to me - and I knew I had to respect his wishes. I could only pray that Emmett wouldn't make things even worse.

If that was even possible. Letting out a defeated sigh, I reluctantly nodded in acceptance and headed for Alice's room.

I already knew she wouldn't be there, remembering how she and Jasper had decided at the last minute to spend the night at his place. For a moment I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I didn't feel like being alone, but I also knew Alice was still a bit freaked out about what happened the other night in the kitchen. No need for her to get even more worked up and worried about Edward.

Slumping down on Alice's neatly made bed, I tried to listen for any sound coming from the hallway, but so far, there was only silence. I figured Emmett was still waiting for Edward, and I had to admit I was impressed by his patience. Maybe I shouldn't have judged him so quickly, but whenever Edward was involved, it was like I lost the ability to care about anything else.

That was probably something I needed to work on.

Lost in my troubled thoughts, I nearly jumped a mile when the silence was suddenly disrupted by a loud crash and what could only be described as a roar of anguish. I scrambled off the bed and rushed out of the room, my heart beating so hard I thought it might burst right out of my chest.

I flew through the hallway and barged into Edward's room without hesitation, only to freeze dead in my tracks at the sight that met me.

A chair was knocked over - or judging by the crash I heard, possibly thrown across the room - but that wasn't the main reason for my rising panic. Emmett was standing in the middle of the room, white as a sheet with his fists clenching at his sides. There were traces of tears on his face. And Edward was nowhere to be seen.

"Emmett?" I gasped, feeling like my head was spinning as I took in the scene in front of me. "What...?" My voice trailed off when he raised his head and our eyes met.

His mouth opened and then closed again. For a moment, he just looked at me, and the pain I could see in his eyes shook me to the core. Then he swallowed hard. "You knew," he finally stated, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"Knew what? What are you...?" I stopped, my eyes widening as realization hit me.

_Oh my God._

"You. Fucking. Knew!" he repeated, his voice now hard and accusing.

I just blinked, having no idea how to respond. "Where is he?" I whispered, suddenly feeling nauseous.

"He left. I don't know where he..." Emmett stopped, and I watched how his shoulders slumped. It was like - all of a sudden - all energy just left his body and when he spoke again, he didn't sound hostile anymore, just pleading, "Tell me it's not true, Bella. Tell me he wasn't..." The word got stuck in his throat.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I then clapped my hand over my mouth, trying to stifle a sob. I didn't know how Emmett had found out - if Edward had told him straight out, or if he figured it out by himself - but I supposed that wasn't important right now. What mattered was that Emmett knew, and he seemed to be only seconds away from falling apart.

_And where was Edward?_

"I mean, I knew he was... that someone..." Emmett inhaled shakily. "His stepfather, right? Mom and Dad said... But I thought... Fuck!" I could only watch helplessly as he went on babbling, "I always assumed the guy was just hitting him or something, not... I mean, hell, that sucks, but... oh God!" His already pale face turned into an unhealthy shade of green, and his hand flew up to cover his mouth.

The next thing I knew, he pushed his way past me and bolted out of the room. I felt like the whole world was moving in slow motion as I silently followed him back out into the hallway, already knowing where he was heading. As he didn't have time to close the bathroom door properly behind him, I clearly heard how he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

Strange as it may sound, the disturbing sound of Emmett retching and gasping a few feet away turned out to be what I needed to snap out of the shock. A little voice inside my head insisted that I didn't have time to stand here - I had to find Edward. He needed me, now more than ever. I couldn't even imagine how he must be feeling right now.

But I had no idea where he was, or even where to start looking for him. I hadn't even heard him leave his room and run down the stairs. Some girlfriend I turned out to be. A choked sob escaped me and I dropped to my knees right there in the hallway, burying my face in my hands.

I couldn't be completely sure, but I didn't think more than a couple of minutes had passed before I heard the sound of flushing, followed by the sound of water running. I raised my head. A moment later, Emmett emerged from the bathroom, still looking worse for wear. "Are you okay?" I asked quietly.

He let out a bitter laugh, grimacing as he closed the door behind him. "Hell, no. Can you blame me?" I could only shake my head. Watching me for a moment, he then slowly made his way over to me on somewhat wobbly legs, sinking to the floor next to me. "You should've said something," he mumbled. "I would've..." He stopped, shaking his head.

"Would you have told me?" I gave him an expectant look. He rolled his eyes.

"Not the same thing. Fuck, he's my brother! We're family. I deserved to..." he closed his eyes for a brief moment, then shook his head again. "No, I wouldn't have told you, because it hadn't been my place to tell."

"Exactly," I nodded in agreement. "Emmett, you have to understand-"

He cut me off, "Don't fucking tell me I have to understand! I don't. I don't understand anything. I mean, how can people...?" His voice cracked. "I need to call Dad," he choked out, jumping to his feet. I jumped up as well - so quickly that I felt a wave of dizziness come over me - and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No, you can't." He gave me an incredulous look. I sighed. "If you'll call your parents now, when you're this worked up, you'll only scare them half to death. You need to calm down..." I stopped myself when I realized I had to sound like a real hypocrite, telling Emmett to calm down when I was only moments away from crumbling myself.

The skeptical look on his face and the way his eyes narrowed told me he knew exactly what I was thinking, but to his credit, he didn't call me on it. Instead he slumped back against the wall without a word. I hesitated a little. "Look, I need to... Would you just wait here, please? We should talk, but... Just stay - I'll be right back."

Not waiting for Emmett to respond, I rushed back into Edward's room, my eyes darting around desperately until they landed on my cellphone next to the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was a good thing I had Edward on speed dial, because my hands were all sweaty and shaking so badly that I didn't think I'd be able to dial the numbers correctly.

Pressing a button, I then waited and waited as the signals went through, trying not to let the fear overwhelm me. I inhaled shakily as I only got the voice mail, forcing myself to speak as calmly as I could into the phone. "Edward, where are you? Please call me back and let me know you're safe. I love you so much, baby, everything's gonna be okay, I promise. Just..." I choked back a sob. "I love you."

Then I hung up.

Struggling not to give in to total despair, I went back out into the hallway - my phone in a tight grip in case Edward would call - and was relieved to find that Emmett was still right there where I left him. His eyes searched my face for something, I wasn't sure what, and I knew he'd heard me make the call. "Nothing?" he asked quietly. I shook my head, feeling how my bottom lip started to tremble.

"He'll be back soon." Emmett tried to sound assuring, and I wasn't sure whether he was trying to convince me, or himself. "He takes off like this all the time."

True, but I couldn't help but think it was different this time. Edward had been keeping the painful truth about his past from his brother and sister all this time, and now the secret was out. I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind right now, he had to be completely mortified. And he was all alone, with no one to tell him he had absolutely no reason to be. Tears started trickling down my face.

Forcing myself to take a couple of deep breaths - breaking down now wouldn't help anyone - I then turned my attention to Emmett. He seemed to be deep in thought. "What-what are you thinking?" I asked, afraid of what the answer would be.

"Makes sense now, how he doesn't want people touching him." Emmett's voice sounded hollow. He glanced at me. "So, I guess Mom and Dad knew all along. What about Alice?" I knew what he really wanted to know - was he the only one who had been kept out of the loop? I realized I felt genuinely bad for him.

"No." I shook my head, swallowing. "He was too ashamed, blaming himself. He didn't want... anyone else to know."

"But he obviously didn't have any problem telling _you_." There was a slight hint of accusation in his voice, and I knew I shouldn't blame him for feeling hurt and left out.

Still, I couldn't help feeling defensive. "You don't know anything about that."

"You're right, I don't." His eyes were dark, haunted, reminding me so much of Edward's in that moment. "There seem to be a lot of things going on around here that I know nothing about." I opened my mouth, then closed it again, lowering my eyes.

"Look, Bella..." His voice softened. "I'm not really mad at you, I'm mad at myself. You were there for him - I wasn't. If I had acted differently, been a better brother, then maybe he would've trusted me as well. It's something I'll just have to live with. I don't mean to take it out on you."

I nodded in acceptance, about to tell him it was okay, when his eyes widened and he stood up straight. "Wait a minute, did you say...?" He shook his head, as if to clear it. "He blames himself? Why?"

"Well..." I hesitated, biting my lip as I glanced at my phone, willing it to ring. A part of me felt uncomfortable discussing this subject with Emmett, but at the same time, it seemed important that he would understand.

But before I got the chance to continue - and I still didn't know what to say - Emmett went on, heatedly, "Never mind, it doesn't matter why. It's fucking insane, how can he think...?" His face darkened. "His stepfather. Where is he now? Still in jail?"

I shook my head. "In a hospital. I think Edward said he was shot by the police or something. He's in a coma."

Emmett clenched his fists. "Which hospital? Somewhere in Chicago?"

I gulped, somewhat intimidated by the pure hatred I could suddenly see in his eyes. "Why? Does it even matter?"

"Damn right it does!" He glared at me, and I had to remind myself that his anger wasn't really directed at me. When he spoke again, I noticed he was shaking. "I could fucking kill him, Bella. And I swear to God, if I ever come across that son of a bitch, I will."

As much as his words frightened me, I believed him. Because I felt exactly the same way. So I just nodded in understanding, only hesitating for a second before I carefully placed my hand on his arm. He looked slightly taken aback, but then raised his own much larger hand to cover mine, and gave me an almost pleading look. "I can still make it up to him, right? I understand now. I can make things right."

He sounded so hopeful, so determined, yet more vulnerable than I had ever heard him before. I felt my throat tighten, unable to bring myself to respond.

That was when my phone buzzed in my hand.

**OoO**

**End notes:****I know, no Edward in this chapter. Sorry. But I promise you all EPOV the next time.**


	57. Chapter 57

**EPOV**

Aside from Bella, I had never told anyone about the meadow, and ever since I first found it - by a total coincidence, back when I had just turned fourteen - I had thought of it as my secret place, my refuge. I would go there whenever the demons in my head - or around me - became too much and I wanted to make sure nobody would find me.

But now all of a sudden, after I had started bringing Bella here, the normally so peaceful environment didn't have quite the same calming effect on me as it used to. Instead I just felt empty and alone, almost as if it was wrong somehow to come here without her.

Although the little voice inside my head told me it was just as well, since I didn't deserve the pleasure and comfort of Bella's company at the moment.

It had taken me more than twice as long to get here on foot, but I hadn't been stupid enough to get behind the wheel, knowing that even if I would've had two fully functioning hands, I wouldn't be in any condition to drive with all the frenzied thoughts running through my head. And while I may be a lot of things, suicidal was not one of them.

Not to mention that I didn't think Carlisle and Esme would appreciate it if the car they had so kindly given me on my seventeenth birthday would end up wrapped around a fucking tree, or smashed against a cliff. Talk about fucking waste of money.

As I now sank to my knees in the soft grass, I almost laughed out loud when the sky opened up without warning and the rain started pouring down, because it seemed to fit my mood so perfectly, is was fucking ironic. The air was chilly, but I was too out of it to really feel the cold.

My phone rang once as I made my way through the thick forest, but I had ignored it, figuring it had to be either Bella or Emmett. And right now, I couldn't stand the idea of being confronted by either of them.

I hadn't meant for Emmett to find out the humiliating truth about my past, not now, preferably not ever. But the cat was out of the fucking bag, and there was nothing I could do about it. The look of genuine surprise and shock I had seen on his face the moment before I rushed out of the room - as if the devil himself was after me - was now permanently etched in my memory.

What could possibly be going through his head right now? Did he pity me? Or would he just loathe me and feel repulsion, now when he finally had come to learn just how weak and pathetic his 'brother' really was? And what about Alice? Had he already told her as well? I felt like my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight.

As always when I was afraid or distressed, I wanted Bella. But she wasn't here, because I had screwed up again - and not just once, but twice. At first when my body had betrayed me and I had practically forced myself on her while she was sleeping, and then when I had broken my one promise to her - that I wouldn't run away from her again.

Frantic thoughts and disturbing images were flying through my mind until the point where I couldn't take it anymore, feeling like I was about to explode. I felt like screaming, but found that I didn't have the energy, and there was nothing to break around here, nothing to distract me from the panic and despair threatening to consume me completely.

Before I even realized what I was doing, I had pulled the phone out of my pocket, suddenly relieved that I had remembered to grab my jacket before I ran out of the house. I instantly noticed I had received a new voice message, but couldn't bring myself to press the button and listen. Instead I quickly browsed through my list of contacts - which wasn't very long - until I found the number I was looking for.

I had expected Carlisle to answer, but it was Esme's voice I heard, sounding both worried and hopeful at the same time, "Edward, is that you? Is everything all right?"

Fearing my voice would betray me, I took a deep breath. "Yeah, it's me. Sorry, don't mean to bother you, I just-"

She immediately cut me off, "Don't ever worry about bothering us, sweetie, we'll always be more than happy to hear from you. Are you okay?"

Her kind words and selflessness almost brought tears to my eyes, and I felt a lump in my throat. I let out a shaky breath, suddenly unable to respond. For a moment I regretted calling, but at the same time, I felt strangely comforted just by hearing her voice.

I finally managed to force the words out. "No, I'm not."

"Oh, sweetie..." I could hear her sharp intake of air. "What's wrong?"

"I fucked up. Again." I choked back a sob, refusing to break down now. "When are you guys coming back?" I couldn't explain why I expected them to be able to make things better - I just did. It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling.

I heard how she mumbled something indistinctly on the other end, realizing she had to be talking to Carlisle. Then she was back, sounding like she was close to tears. "We're on our way home right now, honey. We should be there in a couple of hours. Would you please tell me what happened?" There was a slight hint of panic in her voice.

"I screwed up with Bella." Just saying her name caused my chest to ache and my throat to tighten. I paused, furiously blinking away tears of shame and humiliation as I went on, "And Emmett knows."

There was a brief moment of silence. "Knows what, sweetie? I'm sorry, I'm not following."

I could hear the unsettling sound of someone breathing heavily, and it took a moment before I realized it was me. Closing my eyes, I struggled to get my emotions under control. "He knows what James... what happened to me."

There was a soft gasp, a rustling sound, and then I heard Carlisle's - only slightly calmer - voice, "Edward, it's me. Where are you right now? Are you alone?" I heard Esme mumbling rapidly in the background and could only hope she was filling him in, because I didn't think I could bring myself to repeat my words to him.

"I had to get out," I whispered, not sure he would even be able to hear me. But it turned out he did.

"I see." There was a pause. "Edward, listen to me. I want you to go back home. Can you do that for me? You can go straight to your room, and you don't have to talk to anyone. I just don't want you wandering the streets when you're this upset. Do you understand?"

I was about to inform him that the nearest street was probably more than a mile away, but found that I didn't have it in me to argue. So I nodded - completely unnecessary seeing how he couldn't see me. "I understand," I muttered, deliberately avoiding his request. It wasn't like he was actually here and could check whether or not I would obey.

As if he could read my mind, Carlisle continued, "I mean it, Edward. Esme and I will be home shortly, and then we'll talk. But we need to know you will be safe until we get there."

I realized he was serious, and couldn't help but feel touched by his words. Before I met Bella, I used to feel annoyed or guilty whenever Carlisle or Esme would show any sign of concern for me, convinced that I wasn't worth the bother. But now, I had to admit it felt kind of good to know that they cared. "I'll go home," I mumbled in defeat.

"Thank you." Carlisle was quiet for a moment. "Where is Bella? Have you spoken to her? Is she still at the house?"

I felt a sharp stab of pain in my chest at the mention of Bella's name. "I don't know," I admitted, choking up again. "I-I did something bad, and... and..." My grip tightened on my phone and I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing myself to focus on my breathing.

There was no way I would tell him what happened, at least not over the fucking phone. I was still too appalled to even admit it to myself.

_"Seriously, man, there's nothing wrong with... I mean, it happens to me all the time."_

For some reason, Emmett's words played up in my head, and I cringed. Somehow he had figured out what happened, and he'd made it seem like it was completely normal. Well, maybe it was, to him. But not to me. And now, he knew why. I swallowed hard, the idea of going back home and facing Emmett now making me physically ill.

"Edward? Did you hear me, son? I was asking..."

Carlisle was talking again, but I cut him off, suddenly feeling a desperate need to get off the phone, "I need to go. Talk to you later." And then I hung up before he got the chance to object, feeling slightly guilty, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. The truth was, I feared I would throw up, and I didn't think hearing me retching over the phone would ease his worries.

As I took a couple of deep, shaky breaths, I felt a little better, but not much. It was still raining, making my clothes stick to my body, and I noticed for the first time that I was completely soaked. It was uncomfortable, but at the same time, I found the feeling of water trickling down my face to be a welcome distraction.

Instead of putting my phone back down in my pocket, I reluctantly cast a look at the display, revealing the words _1 missed phone call_. Hesitating for almost a minute, I then sighed and pressed a button, bringing the phone back to my ear. Then I waited, feeling my anxiety grow again.

_"Edward, where are you? Please call me back and let me know you're safe. I love you so much, baby, everything's gonna be okay, I promise. Just... I love you."_

And then there was nothing but silence. I let out a gust of air and played up the message again, feeling my eyes sting as I listened to Bella's broken voice. There was no accusation in her words, only concern. Cold drops of rain were streaming down my face, mixing with my tears. She seriously wasn't blaming me?

I was about to press the call button, but decided against it and quickly typed a text message instead. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn't, not now. So I settled for the words _'I'm sorry, I need some time'_, pressed 'send', and then turned the phone off.

It wasn't fair to Bella - I realized that much. Deep down, I knew I couldn't go on like this. All I ever did was hurt her and let her down, again and again. And every time, she forgave me, just like that. Because she... loved me. It just wasn't right. I needed to... Hell, I didn't know.

_Sure you do,_ the persistent little voice whispered inside my head. _You know exactly what you need to do - you're just too much of a fucking coward to admit it._

True. The mere thought scared the hell out of me. I needed Bella, I couldn't do this without her.

But I just couldn't keep doing this to her. So, maybe she loved me now, for reasons I would probably never be able to completely understand. But sooner or later, she would realize she needed a man, and not a fucking basket case. Sooner or later, she would end up resenting me.

Unless I did something about it. Something I should've done a long time ago.

It wasn't until almost an hour later that I finally entered the house, as quietly as I could. I really didn't feel like facing anyone - namely Emmett - and could only hope to be able to escape upstairs and into my room without getting noticed.

However, as I shrugged out of my wet jacket and hurried across the room towards the stairs, my eyes landed on Bella's still form, curled up and asleep on the couch, hugging a small pillow to her chest. I closed my eyes for a moment, knowing I couldn't just sneak past her. After all, she was still here, most likely waiting for me.

Taking a deep breath, I stopped a few feet away and carefully called out her name. For some reason, I was afraid of approaching her, as if it would make her vanish into thin air. Aside from a soft moan, there was no response, and I tried again. "Bella? Wake up."

She stirred, and her eyes fluttered open. "Edward?" she mumbled, blinking a couple of times. Then her eyes widened and she all but flew up from the couch. Taking a step towards me, she then stopped, and I watched how her bottom lip quivered. I wanted to close the distance between us and take her in my arms, but my feet seemed to be frozen at the spot.

"Oh, thank God, are you okay?" she breathed, and then rolled her eyes and went on before I got the chance to respond, "Are you - are you hurt?" I shook my head, and she let out a sniffle. "Please, don't leave again," she whispered pleadingly, raising her hands as if she feared it was just a matter of time before I would turn around and bolt.

I sighed, shaking my head in agreement. "I won't."

She seemed to relax a little, but remained where she was, obviously not daring to step any closer in fear of scaring me off. Again I felt a wave of guilt well up inside me, knowing I was the one who made her feel that way in the first place. I watched in silence how Bella bit her lip. "Can I...?" she swallowed, "...can I give you a hug?" I opened my mouth, but she continued, "Or do you want me to stay back?"

The tone of her voice told me she was willing to do whatever I asked, and I silently cursed myself for once again acting like a fucking idiot and cause Bella to doubt herself. I took a deep breath, and held my arms open in a silent invitation. "You never have to ask," I told her quietly, meaning it from the bottom of my heart.

She walked right up to me and stepped into my embrace, her arms slipping around my waist, and everything was right again. Or at least until I remembered how physical closeness to Bella was what had caused this mess in the first place. But somehow, I managed to ignore the little voice insisting I had to back off - it just felt too good to be back in her arms again.

"Bella, I'm so sorry..." I started, but she immediately shushed me.

"Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for. I mean it. We'll talk, but not right now. Let's just take a moment, okay?" She tightened her grip around and hugged me closer, and I wasn't about to object.

We just stood like that for a while, until Bella suddenly gasped and pulled back. "Edward, you're soaked! You need to get out of these wet clothes before you catch pneumonia or something!"

I looked down at myself with a frown, then waved my hand in dismissal. "I'm fine." Bella gave me a stern look, and I surrendered. "Yeah, okay, whatever." She looked pleased.

Then her face turned serious. "Edward, when you're done, I think we do need to talk. About..." Her eyes searched my face, and I nodded in agreement, seeing no reason for her to finish that sentence. I knew what she was referring to, and she was right - we really did need to talk, although I definitely wasn't looking forward to it.

That reminded me. "Emmett?" I asked in a low voice, feeling my heart starting to beat faster.

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "He's... upstairs." I gulped, lowering my eyes, but Bella gently placed her palm on my cheek, forcing me to face her. "Hey, it's okay. I talked to him, I know what..." She hesitated. "I've never seen him this upset before, Edward, believe me when I say this - Emmett truly cares about you. Please, just give him a chance."

I couldn't bring myself to answer. Instead I just stubbornly kept looking straight ahead, avoiding Bella's eyes.

Seeing my reluctance, she let out a sigh, stroking my cheek. "Just go change your clothes, okay baby? I'll go to the kitchen and make us some hot chocolate. We can talk later."

I nodded in acceptance and headed for the stairs, praying I wouldn't run into Emmett, because no matter what Bella said, I definitely wasn't ready to face him. But for once, luck seemed to be on my side, because I managed to slip upstairs and into my room without any incidents. I hurriedly removed my soaked t-shirt and sweatpants with a grimace, and changed into a dry shirt and a pair of jeans.

Holding my breath as I left my room, I was relieved to find that Emmett's door was still closed. I quickly made my way to the laundry room and put my wet clothes in the dryer. Five minutes later, I was back downstairs, absently flipping through the channels on the TV as I waited for Bella to return.


	58. Chapter 58

**A/N:****Thank you so much, every single one of you who took the time to leave me a review for the last chapter. More A/N at the bottom of the page. But don't you dare look until you've read the chapter, or you will be spoiled! Ok, I'll let you get on with the reading now. :)**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

When my phone buzzed and I realized Edward had sent me a text message, I almost dropped to my knees in relief. Of course, he didn't say where he was, or when he would come home, but at least he was safe, and for the moment, that was all that mattered to me. Letting out a shuddering breath, I then glanced at Emmett as I could feel his eyes on me.

"Is he all right?" he asked quietly, nodding towards the phone I was still clutching tightly in my hand.

I nodded, trying to smile but not quite succeeding. "He says he needs some time."

"Yeah, that makes sense," Emmett mumbled in a somewhat absent voice. He hesitated a little before he went on, "Bella, I don't know how to do this. I mean, how do I act when he gets back? Should I say something? Or maybe I should just stay out of his way, give him some space?"

I opened my mouth, but he continued, a slight hint of panic in his voice, "You're not leaving, right? You have to be here when he comes home, Bella, I can't..." He swallowed. "I can't screw things up with Edward again."

"You won't." I silently prayed I was right before I added, "And I'm not going anywhere until Edward tells me to."

"Good. Thanks." His relief was obvious. For a minute or so, we stood there in silence. Then Emmett cleared his throat. "Still think I should call Mom and Dad, though. What if they come home before Edward does? They'll know something's up. Mom's gonna freak out."

I thought about it for a moment. "I don't know. Can't you just wait an hour or so? If Edward's not back by then, and we haven't heard anything more from him, then I guess you should give them a call. But there's no point in making them all worried now, when they're still far away from home and won't be able to do anything about it."

Emmett sighed, then nodded in acceptance. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

I bit my lip. "So, are you going to tell me?" Seeing his confusion, I clarified, "About what made him so upset before. Did you find out what that was all about?"

"Yeah, about that..." He suddenly looked very uncomfortable. "I'm not sure I should... I mean, you really should be talking to-"

"Well, he's not here now, is he?" I cut him off and crossed my arms over my chest, unable to keep the pleading note out of my voice as I went on, "Emmett, please. I need to know what I did wrong."

He rolled his eyes, and I realized he was about to give in. "You didn't do anything, all right? It's just..." A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him. "Remember when I said it was guy stuff?" I nodded, not sure where he was going with this. He scratched the back of his head. "Well, sometimes, we guys find ourselves in a bit of a... an awkward position... when we wake up in the morning."

I just looked at him blankly for a moment, then, as understanding finally started to dawn on me, I felt my cheeks turning bright red. "Oh," I whispered. My eyes widened in realization - it was all starting to make sense to me now.

"Bella, it's not your fault," Emmett told me quietly, and I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes because he didn't understand.

He was right, of course - it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. But I knew Edward well enough to know that he usually ran away when he couldn't deal with what was going on around him - or when he was ashamed. It seemed like - once again - he was blaming himself for something that was out of his control. And I just wanted to cry.

Emmett finding out what happened - on top of everything else - must have been the last straw.

"I need to talk to him," I mumbled, tears blurring my vision as I looked down at the phone still in my hand.

But before I could do anything, Emmett spoke up, causing me to hesitate, "You just said to give him some time, Bella. Maybe you should listen to your own advice."

"I know, but..." I exhaled, letting the hand holding my phone drop at my side. "Fine - I won't call him right now. I'll just go wait downstairs. Um, I think maybe you should..." I lowered my eyes, not comfortable telling him what to do. But I had a sinking feeling that if Edward came home to find both me and Emmett waiting for him by the door, he would just turn around and bolt again.

Luckily Emmett seemed to understand, because he nodded in agreement. "I'll just stay here."

Five minutes later, I was curled up on the living room couch, the TV playing mutely in the background. I wasn't really watching, I just needed some distraction. It didn't take long before my eyelids started to drop, though. And before I knew it, I had drifted off.

When I heard Edward's voice, softly calling out my name, I first thought I was dreaming. But when I opened my eyes, he was really there. I jumped up from the couch, fast enough to give myself a head rush, only to stop in my tracks as I suddenly feared my approaching him would scare him away. "Please, don't leave again," I begged, my heart beating wildly.

I managed to calm down a little when he assured me he wasn't going anywhere. When I asked if I could hug him and he told me I didn't have to ask, the fear finally lost its grip on me and I all but ran into his arms, clinging to him like he might disappear again any second. I had to admit, a part of me still couldn't grasp the fact that he was here.

But he was. Edward was back in my arms, where he belonged, and if it was up to me to decide, we would just stay like that forever.

However, reality soon came crashing down, and I gasped when I realized he was freezing cold and soaking wet. I hadn't even noticed that the rain was pouring down outside, and my eyes welled up at the thought of him all alone out there. Well, at least he was back now, thank God.

I told Edward to go upstairs and change while I made us some hot chocolate. He agreed and I hurried into the kitchen, grateful to have something to do to keep my mind occupied until he would get back. I could only hope that Emmett would stay true to his words and give Edward some space.

When I returned to the living room a while later, carrying a small tray with two cups of steaming chocolate - topped with a few mini marshmallows I had found in one of the cupboards - Edward was already seated on the couch in dry clothes, waiting. He looked up when I entered the room, offering me a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

This was it. I tried to smile back as I made my way over to him, putting the tray down on the table and holding out one of the cups to him as I sat down next to him. He took it with a grateful nod, immediately taking a small sip. I slumped back into the couch, pulling my feet up and tucking them underneath me.

For a moment, neither of us said anything. It was like we were both just waiting for the other to start as we kept throwing careful glances at each other, all the while sipping on our hot beverages. Finally I couldn't take the silence anymore. "Edward..."

"Bella..." he started at the same time, and we both became silent again. It was ridiculous. It seemed like Edward felt the same way, because he rolled his eyes. "Look, I know we need to talk. But we both know I suck at it, so why don't you go first?"

I suppressed a sigh, hating the way he would always put himself down, but decided to just ignore it and humor him. He knew I didn't agree, and I didn't see any point in arguing. "All right." Then I hesitated, not knowing where to begin. Should we start by discussing the incident leading to him freaking out and locking himself up in the bathroom this morning?

Or the fact that Emmett was now aware of the sexual abuse Edward had suffered by the hand of his stepfather? I bit my lip. In a way, the two seemed to go hand in hand. Taking a deep breath, I then spoke up quietly, "Edward, maybe this was for the best. Emmett finding out, I mean. Now you won't have to keep hiding the truth from him anymore. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been."

His eyes narrowed slightly as he glanced at me, but he didn't respond. I went on, "Look, baby, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, or how to handle things. I love you, and no matter what happens, you and I will always be okay. But I can't just pretend it doesn't hurt when you're running away from me." I swallowed, adding, "Because every time, I can't help but fear that you won't come back."

As he lowered his eyes in shame and opened his mouth, I instantly knew he was about to tell me he was sorry. But I cut him off and hurried on, because that was not what I wanted to hear. "It's not that I blame you. Really, I don't. As much as I wish you would just stay and talk to me, let me know what's bothering you, I understand that sometimes you just can't. And it scares me, makes me feel helpless."

He nodded slowly, still not meeting my eyes. I continued, softly, "But I want you to know that I will always be here for you when you come back. Whatever is going on, we'll deal with it together and move on. Even when it's really hard, we'll work it out, and things will be okay."

Edward finally raised his head. He sighed. "No, Bella. It's not that I don't believe you mean it, but it's not okay. I don't want to keep hurting you like this. I can't lie to myself anymore - this is not working. It has to stop, now."

For a moment, I just stared at him, not understanding what he was saying. Then, as his words finally started to sink in, I was certain my heart literally stopped beating. "Are you saying... you're going to leave me for real?" I managed to choke out, unable to keep the panic out of my voice. "Are you - are you breaking up with me?"

He blinked. "Bella, I-"

"No!" I all but sobbed in desperation, jumping up from the couch. "Edward, don't do this, please! I'm sorry if I've been coming on too strongly lately, I promise to back off if that's what you want. Whatever you need, I'll do it. Just don't leave me!" I was babbling - I realized that much, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

In that moment, I actually felt like I was dying. I watched as in slow motion how Edward got up as well and moved towards me, not realizing I was hyperventilating until I felt his hands on my shoulders. His lips were moving, but I was unable to make out what he was saying.

"Bella, you need to fucking calm down," he pleaded, sounding close to panic. A strangled whimper escaped me, but other than that, I managed to stay quiet. Edward let out an unsteady breath and ran his hand repeatedly over my hair, obviously not sure what else to do. Then he briefly closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, they were glistening. "I told you I suck at this," he said in a shaky voice. I tried in vain to blink away the tears and keep my bottom lip from quivering. If Edward left me, my life would be over. The mere thought was too much for me to bear, and I found myself shaking in pure terror.

"Fuck! Bella, look at me," Edward demanded, firmly but gently taking my face between his hands and forced me to look him right in the eyes. "You misunderstand me, all right? I'm not going to leave you. How could I?" I just kept looking at him, blankly. "You're really starting to scare me, love," he admitted.

I finally snapped out of it, staring at him in astonishment. "Did you just call me 'love'?" I whispered, half convinced it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

"Huh?" He looked confused for a moment, and then, as realization seemed to hit him, nodded. "Yes, I guess I did."

How I had longed to hear something like that from him. But now, I couldn't bring myself to take any pleasure in his endearment. "If you love me, then why are you breaking up with me?" I whimpered, feeling like my head was spinning as I wondered if it was actually possible to die from a broken heart.

"I told you, I'm not fucking breaking up with you!" The force behind his words took me by surprise, and I blinked in shock. "Will you please just hear me out?" he asked in a somewhat calmer voice. I could only nod, too stunned to speak.

Edward hesitated for a moment, then took my hand and led me back to the couch. Then he placed his hand on my cheek. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm fucked up, Bella. Maybe you're right when you say _he's_ the one who made me that way in the first place, but the fact remains - I am. There's no point in denying it."

I automatically opened my mouth to object, only to stop as he threw me a warning look and continued, "You deserve so much better than having to put up with my crap. I don't mean to drag you down with me, but I realize now that's what I've been doing, and it's not fair to you. I should let you go, but I'm too fucking selfish. I need you too much." He paused. "I feel like I can't breathe without you."

Choking back a sob, I covered his hand with mine. "I feel exactly the same way, baby. I need you, too. More than you'll ever realize."

He nodded, a pained look on his face. "I hear you say it, but I still don't think I'll ever understand why. All I ever do is hurt you, make you cry."

"No, Edward." I shook my head. "The only way you can ever hurt me is by walking out of my life. Anything else I can handle."

"I don't want to." I watched him swallow hard, and the pain I could see in his eyes made my heart ache. "But Bella, I think I need help."

"Yes." I nodded eagerly, carefully taking his bandaged hand in my lap and running my fingers gently over his knuckles. "I'll always help you, baby, whatever you need from me. We can-"

"Bella," he cut me off in a small voice, and I immediately fell silent. "That's not what I meant. I know you mean well, and I wish more than anything that it would be enough. But I think..." He lowered his eyes in shame. "I think I need more help than you can give me."

For a moment I started panicking again, because I thought he was telling me that he was breaking up with me after all, or at least that he needed us to take a break. But then understanding finally dawned on me, and my eyes widened. "Are you talking about therapy?" He just nodded, still not looking at me. I bit my lip. "Is that really what you want?"

"No, it's not what I want at all." He finally raised his head, and our eyes met. "But I think maybe I need it."

I couldn't agree more, and I wanted to tell him as much - let him know just how incredibly proud I was of him for coming to that conclusion by himself - but the moment I opened my mouth to do so, I started choking up. So instead I settled for just silently nodding in agreement, and then slowly climbed up in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and putting my head down on his shoulder.

He tensed up for a brief moment, clearly a little taken aback by my move, but then he slipped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. Tears were burning in my eyes, and at the same time, I could feel an almost hysterical laugh threatening to bubble up inside me.

Edward wasn't going to leave me after all. If I hadn't already been sitting down, I was fully convinced that my knees would give out and I would sink to the floor in pure relief.

We sat like that for a couple of minutes before I finally trusted my voice enough to try to talk. "Maybe..." I started hesitantly, not lifting my head from his shoulder, "...if you decide to start seeing a therapist, I could go with you? Not every time, of course, but maybe once in a while." I held my breath, waiting for his reaction.

He seemed to freeze, and then pulled back a little so he could give me a skeptical look. "Are you fucking serious?" I nodded. "Why? I mean..." He shook his head, as if to clear it. "You'd actually do that for me?"

"In a heartbeat," I told him sincerely. "But honestly, it wouldn't just be for you. I feel that maybe it would be good for me to talk to someone about all of this as well. Because there's still so much I don't understand, and I want to, Edward, so badly."

He was quiet for a moment, obviously contemplating my suggestion. "Can I think about it for a couple of days?"

I nodded. "Of course." He looked relieved. Then he gently pulled my head back down on his shoulder, making all my worries melt away as the rest of the world seemed to disappear. And the fear and doubt I had felt only minutes ago was suddenly nothing more than a distant memory.

**OoO**

**End notes:**** Ok, here goes. I absolutely HATE whenever Edward pulls a New Moon on Bella. It has ruined way too many great stories for me, and it makes me - if not flounce completely - simply skip chapters until the author makes it better. So, I would never do that to you. As far as I'm concerned, nothing good could ever come from Edward leaving Bella "for her own good". ****Period.**


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N:**** Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I'm so sorry I don't have the time to respond to all of your reviews. But I read and appreciate them all, and if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

As much as the thought of not having Bella in my life filled me with equal amounts of dread and despair, I had to admit that - deep down - I had been convinced all along that she would be better off without me. But her reaction when she misinterpreted my words and thought I was breaking up with her made me wonder if maybe I had been wrong.

Bella had selflessly been there for me right from the start, insisting again and again that she cared about me - loved me, even. But I had never realized - or even dared to imagine - that her feelings for me were _that_ strong. She told me she needed me just as much as I needed her, and for the first time, I started to think that maybe I wouldn't do her any favors by letting her go.

Absurd as it may seem, maybe I had something to offer Bella after all. If not, then why would the mere idea of losing me all but throw her into a fit of panic? To tell the truth, it had scared me half to death, because I didn't know how to handle it. And then it hit me that Bella had to feel the same way during my fucking episodes. I felt the familiar stab of guilt in my chest.

I had come to rely deeply on Bella over the last couple of months, but I realized she should be able to depend on me as well. And - as much as I hated to admit it - it just wasn't possible as long as I was this broken and unstable. Because - no matter how wrong it was - to Bella, my needs would always come first. I didn't understand it, nor did I feel I deserved it, but nonetheless, I couldn't deny that it was true.

So I had to get better for her. Bella needed a boyfriend she could trust not to freak out on her on a daily basis, someone she could count on to be there for her when she needed him. And it had become painfully clear to me that I could never be that person if I didn't learn to control myself, if I wouldn't find a way to leave my fucked up past behind me once and for all.

And that was not something I would be able to do by myself, not even with Bella's never-ending love and support. I needed help. The only thing I could think of was to swallow my pride - and fear - and give the dreaded therapy another chance. And this time, I would force myself to take it seriously.

Because - God help me - I wanted to be normal. For Bella. She deserved nothing less.

I had to admit Bella shocked me by suggesting she could join me at my therapy sessions. In all honesty, I was torn. There was no doubt in my mind that I would feel more comfortable with her around, but at the same time, it didn't seem fair to put her through something like that. Then again, she told me it would be good for her as well, and maybe she was right. I honestly didn't know what to think.

Well, at least I didn't have to answer right away. I decided to talk to Carlisle when he got home, ask for his opinion.

I snapped out of my thoughts as Bella let out a soft humming sound, and I rested my cheek at the top of her head. After what happened this morning - we still hadn't addressed the subject, although I knew we would have to talk about it eventually - it seemed almost surreal to be so close to her again. But it just felt so good, and I could tell Bella was comfortable as well.

"The chocolate's getting cold," I mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, into her hair.

"Don't really care," was her only reply. I didn't either, but I still felt a little bad for letting it go to waste. After all, she had gone through the trouble of making it - I didn't want her to think I was ungrateful. But then again, Bella seemed rather content where she was, and I didn't want to ask her to move unless it was absolutely necessary.

I think we would've just stayed right there on the couch - in the same position - for the rest of the day if we hadn't eventually been interrupted. Lost in a bubble where nothing else existed but the two of us, Bella and I both jumped at the sudden sound of a throat being cleared carefully behind us.

It was with a sinking feeling I turned to look over my shoulder, inwardly cringing and ducking my head in shame as I spotted Emmett standing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs, his hands shoved into his pockets. Suddenly I wished the floor would just open up and swallow me, and when that didn't happen, my entire body started screaming at me to get up and run.

Obviously sensing my discomfort, Bella started running her hand soothingly up and down my back, which unfortunately - for once - did little to calm my nerves. I couldn't bring myself to raise my head and face Emmett again - I was absolutely terrified of looking at him and see the disgusted look on his face.

Tears of humiliation were burning in my eyes, but I flat-out refused to let them fall. For what felt like hours, but couldn't have been more than a minute, the room was dead silent, and I was starting to feel nauseous.

Then Emmett spoke up, sounding apologetic, "I'm sorry to bother you guys, but I just wanted to let you know Dad called a little while ago."

I blinked, not sure why I was surprised, because I should have seen that coming. Of course Carlisle had called Emmett right after I hung up on him. Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I then merely nodded in understanding, stubbornly avoiding to meet his eyes.

"He said he talked to you," Emmett continued in a low, somewhat uncertain voice, and I got the feeling he was just as uncomfortable by the situation as I was. When I just grunted in confirmation, I could feel Bella's surprised and curious eyes on me. But she remained silent as she kept rubbing my back, and I tried to force myself to stay calm, breathing as steadily as I could, in and out.

Emmett was quiet for a moment, then took a hesitant step forward. "Are you okay?" he asked, quietly.

My eyes shot to him before I could stop myself, and I was momentarily stunned by what I saw. I had expected either repulsion or pity - and I honestly couldn't say which I dreaded the most. But instead I found myself looking at the same expression I used to see every time I looked into the mirror.

Guilt.

I swallowed hard, quickly averting my eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled then, hating the way my voice trembled.

"Look, I..." Emmett started, and then he hesitated for a moment. "I just want you to know that-"

"Don't!" I cut him off, having intended to sound demanding, but was horrified when it came out more as a plea. Bella gave my hand a gentle squeeze, and I was beyond grateful for her presence. If she hadn't been right there holding on to me, I'm pretty sure I would have simply taken off again.

However, Emmett's next words came as a total shock to me and turned my world completely upside-down. "You have nothing to be ashamed of," he told me in a husky, yet firm voice. My head shot up again, and I stared at him in disbelief. That was when I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed, and I frowned.

Had he been crying?

My eyes narrowed, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. Fuck, even if I hadn't been certain my voice would betray me if I tried to speak, I wouldn't know what to say. I cast a helpless look at Bella, who offered me a soft smile and nodded in agreement. "He's right, you know," she whispered.

I remained silent, not sure what to think. Bella would tell me the same thing, over and over again, and I had come to realize she truly believed it. As did Carlisle and Esme, but they would _have_ to say things like that out of obligation - at least that was what I used to tell myself.

But I couldn't see any reason for Emmett to lie just to make me feel better. So what did that mean? I suddenly felt like my head was spinning, and somehow found the courage to glance at him again. As he calmly met my eyes and held my gaze, I saw nothing but sincerity and understanding.

And just like that, I felt some of the tension leave my body. Bella seemed to notice, because she changed posture and straightened a little, although she didn't let go of my hand as she gave Emmett a tentative smile. "There's some hot chocolate left in the kitchen if you want some." She blushed. "Actually, it's probably lukewarm by now, but..." Her voice trailed off and she shrugged.

"Oh." Emmett sounded surprised. "Um, thanks, but I don't think..." He gave me a questioning look, clearly unsure of my approval.

I rolled my eyes. "Just get the fucking chocolate." His face lit up and he hurried towards the kitchen.

Bella smiled at me, running her thumb over my knuckles. "See, I told you this was a good thing. You don't have anything to worry about."

I still had a hard time to take in what had just happened. But the fact that I suddenly felt more at ease around Emmett than I could remember ever having done before wasn't lost on me. So maybe she was right. I exhaled loudly and slumped back into the couch, feeling like a huge weight had just lifted from my shoulders.

Emmett returned a moment later, a large cup of chocolate in one hand and a bag of mini marshmallows in the other. After a brief moment's hesitation, he sat down at the far side of the couch, opened the bag and threw a handful of white fluffy marshmallows into his chocolate. Less than a minute later, his cup was empty and he started eating right out of the bag.

Bella stared at him, her face a mixture of horror and fascination. I just shook my head, having witnessed him pig out for years.

Oblivious of the attention, Emmett reached for the remote to the TV and turned the sound back on. Then he flipped through the channels until he found something he seemed to like, and leaned back on the couch with a satisfied grunt. I looked at him in confusion, because all of a sudden he was acting like the last couple of hours had never happened, like everything was perfectly normal.

But then he glanced at me over Bella's head, and our eyes met. That was when I found myself wondering if this was his way of letting me know things were cool - that we didn't have to talk, at least not right now. The thought made me relax even more, and I turned my attention to the TV. For now, I didn't have to think about the humiliating events of this morning, or the fact that my shameful secret was out.

It was a while later when the door opened and Alice stepped inside. She smiled widely when she spotted all three of us on the couch, and shrugged out of her jacket. "It finally stopped raining," she announced happily, practically skipping over to us. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Is that hot chocolate?"

Bella smiled. "I'll get you some." She got up, but not before looking at me, as if to make sure I was okay with her moving and leaving me alone with Alice and Emmett. I gave her an assuring nod, hating for her to feel like she had to ask for my permission to leave my side, but at the same time appreciating the gesture.

Alice plonked herself down on the couch, making sure to leave some room for Bella. "So, what's up?"

"Not much," Emmett responded with a nonchalant shrug, and I instantly knew he hadn't called her to inform her about what he had found out. For that I was beyond grateful. It was more than enough that _he_ knew, I didn't think I would be able to deal with Alice as well. Someday, maybe, but not today. That would just be too much.

Sometimes I could swear Alice had a sixth sense, because the way her eyes now darted between me and Emmett told me she knew something was up. But thankfully, she didn't say anything. A moment later, Bella returned with another cup of chocolate, handing it to Alice before sitting back down next to me.

After a few minutes of silence, Emmett started making mocking comments about the TV show, and it didn't take long before Alice joined in. Every once in a while Bella would giggle at their antics, although her attention mainly stayed on me. I remained silent, realizing I still had too much on my mind to focus on what went on at the screen.

It was a strange - almost alien - feeling, the four of us sitting together on the couch watching TV like normal people. Then again, _they_ were all perfectly normal, it was just me who was a freak. As if she had read my mind, Bella turned to look at me with a frown on her face. I raised a brow in question, feigning innocence. It wasn't like I had actually said the words out loud.

I had always preferred to keep to myself, distancing myself from the rest of the family. But as much as my body itched to get up, drag Bella with me and flee upstairs to my room, I tried to force myself to stay where I was. And not only because it was obvious that Bella enjoyed the company - a part of me wanted to at least try to interact with Alice and Emmett without lashing out or biting their heads off.

Not to mention that - deep down - I couldn't help but fear Emmett would fill Alice in as soon as I left the room. Then I felt bad thinking like that, because so far, he had been nothing but fucking supportive, much more so than I deserved. I just wasn't used to seeing this guilt-ridden, remorseful side of him. Suddenly I didn't know what to expect from him, and it left me feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

It had been so much easier back when I was fully convinced he hated my guts. Then I could just ignore him, and I didn't have to feel bad for treating him like crap.

Luckily, no one seemed to mind that I wouldn't participate in the conversation. Alice and Emmett were used to my silence, and Bella seemed more than pleased just by the fact that I was there. It was a relief not having to talk. Because right now, I couldn't even sort out the thoughts in my head.

What would happen now? I had told Bella I needed to go back to therapy, and she had seemed happy with my decision. But what if I did, only to fail again? What if it wouldn't work, no matter how hard I tried? The thought of facing my past and acknowledge how badly James had actually hurt me - not only to myself, but to some stranger who got paid for listening to my fucked up shit - terrified me.

There would be no turning back this time. If I started seeing another therapist, I couldn't just clam up and wait for the hour to pass. I would not only have to listen, but talk as well. Talk about what happened, dwelling on my sickening memories in hope of finally being able to accept them and move on. Fucking bullshit! Like that was even possible.

I think I startled everyone when I jumped up from the couch, making an effort to cross the room and calmly walk into the kitchen instead of running. One moment things had been okay, and in the next, I was in a desperate need of some space. As I headed for the sink and poured myself some water, I prayed nobody would follow.

I wanted to get better, so badly it ached. I wanted Bella to be proud of me, and I wanted to feel good about myself. I just wanted to be fucking normal, but what if it was too late? What if I really was broken beyond repair? Was there even any hope for me? Maybe I was doomed to stay this way for the rest of my life - plagued by nightmares every night and haunted by the demons in my head during the day.

No. I refused to believe that. I _had_ to make it work. Somehow, I would become a whole person, worthy of Bella's love. Somehow, I would be able to give her what she deserved.

James had nearly destroyed me, and yet I was still here. And I wasn't alone.

"Edward?" I turned around at the sound of Bella's soft voice. She was standing in the doorway, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, and I could tell she was unsure of whether or not to approach me. "Do you want to be alone?" she asked quietly, and I knew she would do whatever I told her, whether I asked her to stay or leave.

"Yes. No. Fuck!" Bella gave me a sympathetic smile, but remained where she was. I rolled my eyes. "I'm okay, I just need a moment. You can stay if you want." Seeing her hesitation, I added a soft, "Please?" She immediately nodded, looking relieved, and stepped into the room.

We didn't talk, because words didn't seem necessary. I finished my water and then put the empty glass down on the kitchen counter. Bella watched me in silence. I reached out my hand, and she took it and held it between hers.

It was well past noon when we heard the sound of Carlisle's Mercedes out in the driveway. Carlisle and Esme were home.


	60. Chapter 60

**A/N:****Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews, emails, and last but not least - all the kind words and support you give me in the Loner thread and on Twitter! *hugs you all***

OoO

**BPOV**

Edward's reaction when he saw Emmett at the bottom of the stairs was downright painful to watch. As he ducked his head and shrank back into the couch, I could feel his anxiety as if it was my own. But I would lie if I said I didn't feel for Emmett as well. The truth was, I had never seen him looking more uncomfortable.

I desperately searched my mind for something to say to ease the tension, but then I felt that it wasn't my place. This time, I needed to stand back. So I just kept rubbing Edward's back soothingly, hoping it would calm him down a little, and waited to see how Emmett would handle the situation.

And I have to say he surprised me.

I don't know what I had been expecting, but Emmett's quiet acceptance seemed to be exactly what Edward needed. Sometimes, words just weren't necessary, and this was obviously one of those moments. When I finally felt Edward relax, I let out the breath I had been holding.

Then Alice came home, and all four of us ended up on the couch watching TV. It felt almost surreal, because whenever I visited the Cullens, I would always hang out with either Edward or Alice - separately. This was a whole new experience for me, and I had to admit it was nice.

Edward had been mostly quiet, but in all honesty, I hadn't really expected otherwise. I knew that - unless it was just the two of us - he rarely interacted with other people, his family included. It made my heart hurt for all of them, but then again, the fact that he was even sitting here, especially after what happened this morning, seemed like a huge progress. It almost seemed too good to be true.

So I wasn't really surprised when he suddenly jumped up from the couch and left the room without a word. Concerned - yes. But not surprised. To tell the truth, a part of me had just been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I started to get up as well, but Alice put her hand on my arm to stop me.

"What's wrong, Bella?" she asked softly, an almost pleading note in her voice. In that moment, I felt truly sorry for her, because I realized she was the only one in her family who had no idea what was going on. It seemed wrong, seeing how she had always tried - in her own way - to be there for Edward.

I knew more about her brother's past than she did. That may be the way Edward wanted it, but it didn't make me feel any less guilty. I bit my lip, having no idea how to respond.

Luckily, Emmett seemed to sense my dilemma and came to my rescue, "Nothing's wrong, Alice. Edward and I had a bit of a situation before, but we're cool now. Nothing to worry about."

Alice glanced at me, and I just nodded in agreement. She seemed somewhat appeased by the explanation, but not completely. However, she obviously decided to let it go for now. For that I was grateful. I made a mental note to myself to talk to Edward. Emmett knew the truth now - it didn't seem fair that Alice should be kept out of the loop. She loved Edward, and she would never judge him.

But it had to be Edward's decision. I could only make the suggestion - the rest was up to him.

"Excuse me," I mumbled, getting up and heading for the kitchen. I needed to make sure Edward was okay.

I found him over by the sink with a glass of water in his hand, staring out into the distance. As I softly called out his name, he turned around to face me. I wanted to go to him, but didn't know if he was in a mood for company. After all, he must have left the room for a reason.

Then again, maybe he was just really thirsty.

"Do you want to be alone?" I asked, hoping he would say no. Much to my relief, he asked me to stay, and I hurried to close the distance between us. He held out his hand, which I took without hesitation. For a long time, we just stood there in silence.

Then I heard the familiar sound of a car outside. Edward tilted his head to the side, and I knew he had heard as well. I gave him a questioning look, watching how he straightened up. "Is that...?"

He nodded. "Carlisle and Esme are back." There was a hint of relief on his face. "I need to talk to them."

"Oh, okay." I gave him a soft smile of encouragement. "Do you want me to stay, or...?" Seeing his torn expression, I hurried to add, "I should probably head home soon, I promised Charlie I wouldn't be gone all day. But I can stay a little while longer if you want."

"I always want you to stay," Edward admitted quietly, and my heart melted. "But this might take a while. You should go home to your dad. I'll call you later."

"All right. Just..." I hesitated a little before I went on, "Look, Emmett was right. There is absolutely _nothing_ for you to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything wrong, not in the past, and not this morning." I looked him right in the eyes, although I felt my cheeks flush as I said the last part. I had not meant to bring it up, but suddenly I felt like I had to.

I just couldn't go home and let Edward think he had hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable, even for a moment. The fact that _he_ had been anything but comfortable at the time remained, but that was something we would just have to work on. He needed to understand that things were okay between us. It was something I just couldn't stress enough.

He swallowed hard. "Bella, about this morning-"

"Edward, it's okay," I cut him off, squeezing his hand. "I loved sleeping and waking up with you, but I'm sorry it made you feel uncomfortable."

"No, I..." He lowered his eyes, clearly embarrassed. I waited for him to go on, but he seemed to have a hard time finding the right words.

"We don't have to talk about it now. I just want you to know that we're okay." I hoped he could tell that I was being sincere. He watched me intently for a moment, and I got the feeling he was trying to see right into my soul. Then he nodded, but remained silent.

I heard the front door open and close in the other room, and glanced at Edward. It was time to go and greet his parents.

**OoO**

EPOV

As Bella and I left the kitchen hand in hand, I realized I was happy Carlisle and Esme were back. It occurred to me that I had always just taken their presence for granted, having been so used to having them around. I didn't really like to admit that I had actually missed them, because that would be the same as to admit feeling affection and attachment.

But nonetheless, it felt good to know they were home, and not just because I was in a desperate need of advice.

"Hello, Edward. Bella. It's good to see you." Carlisle's face was a mixture of concern and relief when he saw me, and I suspected he had half expected me to ignore his request of going home.

"Yeah," I mumbled, seeing Bella nod in agreement. I hesitated a moment before I continued, deciding to act before I lost my courage, "Um, look, I'm sure you guys want to unpack and stuff, but when you've got a moment, I kind of need to talk to you."

"Of course," Carlisle responded immediately, glancing at Esme. "Unpacking can wait until later. Do you want to go to my office, or...?" He left the rest of the sentence hanging, eying me questioningly.

Before I got the chance to answer, Bella spoke up softly, "I'll just head home now, give you guys some privacy. Carlisle, Esme - thank you so much for letting me spend the night. Edward?" She looked at me, blushing slightly. "Call me later?"

"I will," I promised, wishing we were alone in the room so I could tell her goodbye properly. Then I thought 'hell with it' and pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly. I let out a content sigh as I felt her melt into my embrace. "Love you," I whispered into her ear so only she would be able to hear, amazed by how easily the words rolled over my lips now. However, I wasn't ready to announce my feelings out loud.

As good as it felt to hear myself utter those words, it was nothing compared to how I felt when Bella echoed my declaration, for my ears only. "I love you, too," she murmured. Then she pulled back and gave me a soft peck on the lips. When I finally - most reluctantly - released her, I suddenly remembered we had an audience, and felt myself tense up.

But to my surprise - and relief - Alice and Emmett had suddenly become completely engrossed in some reality show, and Carlisle and Esme were both staring out the window, obviously finding something extremely interesting on the other side. I wasn't stupid - I realized they were all just putting on a show trying to give me and Bella some privacy.

Still, I appreciated the gesture as I felt the tension leave my body.

As soon as Bella had left, Carlisle asked me again if I wanted to take our conversation into his office, and after a moment's hesitation, I agreed. When Esme announced - somewhat dejectedly - that she would go to the kitchen and make us all a late lunch, I realized I hadn't expressed myself clearly.

I cleared my throat, self-consciously lowering my eyes to the floor. "Actually, I wanted to talk to both of you." I glanced at Esme, nervously awaiting her reaction.

"Oh." Her eyes widened in surprise, and I didn't miss the hope that flashed across her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize... Of course."

I suddenly felt Emmett's eyes on me, and reluctantly cast a brief look in his direction. Although I couldn't quite read his expression, I didn't fail to notice the pained look on his face, and I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind in that moment.

But somehow, I managed to push all thoughts of him to the back of my mind as I wordlessly headed for Carlisle's office, knowing he and Esme would follow. When Carlisle closed the door quietly behind us, I realized they were expecting me to start explaining exactly what happened this morning, and I had no idea how to even begin.

Esme sat down on the couch, and I wondered if she had picked up on my sudden distress and decided to help me out as she spoke up in a soft voice, "It's so good to be home. I know we've only been gone for one night, but we've missed the three of you so much." A pause. "How are you, sweetie? We got so worried after your phone call. I take it things worked out with Bella?"

I nodded, feeling pretty stupid. "Yeah, sorry about that. Didn't mean to freak you out. I shouldn't have called."

"Oh, no, that's not what I..." Esme hesitated a little. "Edward, do you have any idea how much it meant to me and Carlisle to hear from you this morning? We were so happy you trusted us enough to make that call. I just wish we could've been there for you in person."

Carlisle nodded in agreement as he sat down as well, choosing one of the arm chairs. "Esme is right, son. We want nothing more than for you to feel comfortable coming to either of us whenever you need to talk. And if we're not around, you can call us at any time. You never have to apologize for that." I nodded again, feeling a lump in my throat at his words.

He went on after a moment's hesitation, "Now, do you want to tell us about what happened?"

I opened my mouth, about to say no out of pure habit. Then I mentally rolled my eyes, reminding myself that I had been the one insisting on having this conversation in the first place. Of course, that didn't make it any easier. I took a deep breath, willing myself to relax, which was easier said than done. "Not sure where to start," I muttered, wrapping my arms protectively around my body.

"Why don't you just sit down?" Carlisle suggested in a calm voice. Realizing I was the only one standing, I nodded obediently and slid down on the couch, on the far side from Esme. When I remained silent, he continued, "Maybe you could start by telling us about Emmett?"

He made it come out as a question, making it clear he would leave the decision to me. I could refuse if I wanted to. But I found myself nodding in agreement. Still, the words wouldn't come. I let out a frustrated groan. "Fuck! I can't do this."

"Sure you can," Carlisle insisted. "Just take your time, and begin when you're ready." I glanced at Esme. She gave me an encouraging smile, although I could see a slight hint of concern on her face.

Suddenly I longed for a cigarette, just to have something to do with my hands to keep them from shaking. I knew Carlisle and Esme had never approved of my smoking, although they would let it pass most of the time, as long as I didn't do it in the house. Now I could barely remember the last time I actually felt the need to light a cigarette, though. It must've been weeks ago.

Most likely because I seemed to have found my much needed distraction and comfort elsewhere.

"I didn't mean for him to find out. He just..." I shrugged, "...figured it out by himself." I knew they could tell there was more behind the story, but I wasn't ready to explain why Emmett had been in my room in the first place - I was too embarrassed to admit what happened between me and Bella.

"So how did he take it?" Esme asked carefully, and I was grateful she didn't push me for the details I wasn't comfortable giving away.

"I, uh, took off before he could say anything," I admitted with another shrug. It felt strange, talking to them so openly, something I had never really allowed myself to do in the past. But I realized - to my surprise - that it wasn't nearly as frightening as I had expected.

"You should know that I already spoke with Emmett," Carlisle told me quietly. "I called him right after you hung up, because I was hoping he could explain a little more what happened. I hope you understand."

"Yeah, I heard," I mumbled. "What did he... I mean..." I wanted to know what Emmett had told him, but found that I couldn't bring myself to ask. A part of me was afraid of the answer.

"Naturally, he was very upset. He wanted to know why he and Alice had never been informed about the situation. I tried to explain that this was the way you wanted it, and that Esme and I had to respect your decision." Carlisle looked me right in the eyes as he went on, "After he had calmed down a little, he asked me how he could help you."

I just stared at him, stunned. Carlisle watched me silently for a moment, and then continued, "Edward, I realize you and Emmett have never been close, but there's no doubt in my mind that he genuinely wishes to change that. I assure you that he truly cares about you, and if you would just give him a chance, I believe it would be of great benefit for both of you."

Having no idea how to respond to that, I swallowed hard and looked away.

He sighed. "I know this is a lot for you to take in at once, but I also think you should consider telling Alice." My eyes shot to him in alarm, and as if he had sensed my rising panic, he hurried to add, "Just think about it - that's all I ask. It's not something you have to decide right now. Just remember that - like Emmett - Alice would never judge you. That's something I know for a fact."

Not trusting my voice, I just shrugged again. Maybe he was right. But that didn't make the idea any less terrifying. I honestly didn't know if I could do it, but decided to do as Carlisle asked and at least take it under consideration. Because I remembered the relief I had felt when it hit me that I wouldn't have to keep my past from Bella anymore. Maybe it was time to stop hiding, once and for all.

But right now, there was something else I needed to talk to them about. I took a couple of deep, calming breaths, deciding to just get it over with. "I've been thinking..." I started hesitantly, my eyes locked on a spot next to my feet. "Maybe I should give therapy another chance."

I heard Esme's sharp intake of air, but didn't dare raising my head to face her. They were both silent for a moment, until Carlisle finally spoke up, softly, "Well, I have to admit this comes as quite a surprise. May I ask what caused you to change your mind?"

_Bella, and the thought of some day actually being worthy of her,_ I thought to myself. Out loud, I responded in a low voice, "I just wanna be able to leave this fucking shit behind me and move on."

"Oh sweetie, I'm so happy to hear you say that," Esme whispered tearfully, and I finally looked up at her, seeing how her eyes were glistening.

"Me too," Carlisle agreed, only to hesitate a little before adding, "As long as this is really what you want. We'll be with you every step of the way, if you just let us."

I hated that it was so fucking hard to get the words out. "Yeah, I need to do this." I paused, knowing he could hear the uncertainty in my voice as I went on, "Um, I was hoping you might be able to help me find somebody...?"

Carlisle nodded immediately, his expression turning thoughtful. "Actually, I may already have someone in mind. Let me just make a quick phone call." He started to get up, and my eyes widened - I had not expected him to jump into action right away. But then again, it was probably just as well.

Might as well act quickly, before I chickened out and changed my mind. I figured he was thinking the same thing. So instead of objecting, I just grunted in agreement. A part of me couldn't believe I was actually going to do this. As Carlisle moved across the room and slipped behind his large desk, I couldn't help but gulp.

Feeling Esme's eyes on me, I glanced at her, and was met by a warm smile. "It's going to be all right," she told me in a soft voice. I could only nod. She must have seen the conflict and fear in my eyes, because she scooted closer to me and reached out her hand - clearly acting out of pure instinct - only to freeze in her tracks and let her hand drop when she realized what she was doing.

"It's okay," I mumbled quietly, and when I saw her confusion, I clarified, "You can touch me."


	61. Chapter 61

**A/N:****As always, I'd like to say a huge thank you to all of you who have taken time to review. Your kind words are what makes me keep going after 60+ chapters. 60 - can you believe it? I can't. And I won't stop until the story is complete.**

I just found out that Loner has been nominated at the award site All Human Twilight Awards, in the category "Fanfiction you couldn't stop reading". To whoever nominated my story - Thank you so much!

**OoO**

**EPOV**

I watched how Esme's expression changed - from confusion to hope, and finally to pure astonishment. "Edward..." she whispered, her eyes searching my face almost desperately, clearly looking for some kind of sign that I wasn't serious, that I hadn't meant what I just said.

_"That's what hurts the most, you know? Not being able to hold my boy when he's hurting."_

Esme's voice rang in my head, and for the first time, I allowed her words to really sink in. After everything she had done for me, I owed her this. But in all honesty, it wasn't just for her. I needed to do this, or to be more accurate - I needed to know that I _could_ do it.

It shouldn't be so fucking hard.

I took a deep breath, and repeated my words, "It's okay. I know you won't hurt me." And I meant it. Deep down, I wondered if I hadn't known all along. I didn't want to feel aversion to physical contact from anyone besides Bella for the rest of my life, and I knew in my heart that I didn't really have any reason to. It was all in my head. And I just wanted to overcome my fears, once and for all.

However, I suspected it wouldn't be that easy. But this was a start. If I could do this, then maybe I wasn't a complete lost cause after all. Maybe there was still hope for me.

Maybe.

Esme's eyes never left my face as she slowly raised her hand again, reaching out for me as in slow motion. As her fingers finally reached mine, she inhaled shakily and then covered my hand with hers, so lightly I barely even felt it. I waited for the familiar panic to set in, knowing she would pull back immediately if I showed the slightest sign of not being comfortable.

I prayed it wouldn't happen, for her sake as well as mine.

"Is this all right, sweetie?" she asked in a somewhat unsteady voice, sounding both hopeful and slightly afraid at the same time. Those were feelings I could relate to.

Swallowing hard, I nodded. I even managed a small smile I hoped would be assuring. "It's fine," I whispered, truthfully. And it was. My hand was trembling slightly, but I didn't feel threatened in any way. If anything, I felt safe, even as she added a little more pressure and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. And the revelation was stunning.

While Esme's touch was different from Bella's, it was also similar in some ways. It was calming, comforting, and I found myself wondering what I had been so afraid of. An uncertain chuckle escaped me as I watched our hands in fascination.

"Can I...?" She hesitated, and when I raised my head to look at her questioningly, I saw a sudden hint of fear flicker in her eyes. "Can I... hug you?"

I glanced at Carlisle, who was facing away from us as he was still sitting behind his desk, speaking quietly into the phone. Trying not to pay attention to what he was saying - I figured I would find out soon enough - I then turned back to Esme. I had been bracing myself for this, knowing it was coming.

Obviously taking my silence for rejection, she quickly waved her other hand in dismissal, putting on a brave smile. "Never mind, I'm sorry. I'm pushing things too far, aren't I? I didn't mean to put any pressure on you, honey, I realize it's too soon. Just forget I said anything."

I shook my head, not wanting her to feel bad. "No, I..." My eyes went back to her hand, still on top of mine. "I think that would be okay," I finally mumbled, hoping I was right.

"Sweetheart, if you're worrying about hurting my feelings..." Esme carefully let her fingers intertwine with mine, picking up my hand and holding it between hers after a brief moment's hesitation. I still didn't feel any hint of panic, and managed to keep my breathing calm and steady. "You don't have to do this. I'm just grateful you're trusting me this much."

"I do trust you. I just..." I sighed, not sure how to explain so she would understand. It didn't even make sense in my head. I had been pushing them away for as long as I could remember, distancing myself in hope it would keep me from getting hurt again. All this time, I never even knew how to let anyone in, and I sure as hell hadn't been interested in learning. It was me against the world, and I had accepted it.

And then, just like that, everything had changed. Suddenly the whole 'existing but not living' thing wasn't enough anymore - I wanted more. I was just afraid to ask for it, having been told again and again what a failure I was, that I could never do anything right and that I didn't deserve anything good in my life.

Years may have passed, and yet in a way, I was still the same frightened, broken boy left at James' mercy every night. I used to hate him and fear him at the same time, and even now - thousands of miles away and kept on life support - the bastard was still controlling my life, he still held power over me, because I let him.

And I was fucking sick of it. I had once told Bella that I'd never had a life, and that may be true, but I fucking wanted one now. I didn't want to be broken anymore.

So I stubbornly raised my head and faced Esme again, holding her gaze as I slowly moved to close the distance between us. She watched me with large, hopeful eyes, and then - after searching my face intently, no doubt looking for any sign of discomfort - she slowly opened her arms and wrapped them carefully around me.

Then she sat perfectly still, as if she feared even the slightest movement from her side would scare me away. I told myself to relax and almost succeeded, although I couldn't bring myself to lift my arms and return the embrace. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable, not really. Just a bit overwhelmed. More than just a bit, to tell the truth. Luckily Esme seemed to understand, because a moment later, she pulled back.

She opened her mouth, her eyes full of concern, but I spoke up before she could say anything. "I'm fine." The relief on her face was palpable, and for a moment she just looked at me, her bottom lip wobbling. I frowned, wondering why she was suddenly becoming so emotional.

To me this was huge - I had actually been able to remain calm and accept her hug without getting a panic attack, something I knew would have been impossible just a few months ago. But the look on Esme's face now told me it had meant just as much to her.

Obviously sensing my confusion, Esme quickly brushed away a tear and gave me a watery smile. "I'm sorry, don't mind me. I just..." She took a deep breath, clearly trying to get her emotions under control. "Thank you," she then whispered. I didn't quite understand why she felt the need to thank me, so I just nodded in acknowledgment.

That was when I remembered that Carlisle was still in the room. Casting a look over my shoulder, I realized he had ended his phone call and was now watching me and Esme in silence, his expression a mixture of shock and wonder. When he saw that I was looking at him, he cleared his throat and stood up.

"Edward, we have an appointment on Wednesday, with Dr. Angela Weber. She has her office in Port Angeles, so we'll be leaving right after school." Carlisle paused. "She wants to meet all of us before your first session, so Esme and I will both accompany you. I hope that is okay with you."

I just nodded, struggling to suppress the familiar feeling of dread at the thought of seeing yet another therapist. Going back to therapy had been my idea - I would just have to push my fears aside and go through with it. Besides, it felt like this was my last chance. Should I fail this time - when I was finally ready to give it an honest try - it would prove that I was doomed to stay broken forever.

Carlisle went on, somewhat cautiously, "Dr. Weber may be young, but she's been highly recommended by her colleagues, and I've been told she is an excellent counselor. In fact..." he looked me right in the eyes as he went on, "She specializes in children and young adults who have been... sexually abused."

My mouth suddenly felt dry, and I felt my heart starting to beat faster. But I forced myself to breathe calmly, in and out. I could do this. I had to.

While I did my best to hide my sudden distress, I realized Carlisle wasn't fooled by my seemingly calm behavior. "Edward, listen to me. I think it's wonderful that you are willing to accept that you need help, and I couldn't be more proud of you for coming to that conclusion by yourself. But you need to remember that things won't change over night."

I blinked in confusion. "I don't understand."

He slowly crossed the room and sat down in the chair again, keeping his eyes on me. "I'm not going to lie to you. This will not be easy. You say you want to put your past behind you and move on, but to be able to do that, you're going to have to push yourself harder than ever before. It's going to be painful, and there will be times where you'll be ready to give up."

I opened my mouth, but he held up his hand to stop me and continued, "I realize this may come out as brutal, but I see no point in sugarcoating. You need to know what to expect, and I want you to be prepared to fight, Edward. Don't let your demons beat you. I believe in you, and I know you can do this. But my opinion isn't really important. You need to believe in yourself."

Not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak, I remained silent. Esme spoke up, softly, "We both believe in you, sweetie, and we will always be here for you. But Carlisle is right. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you're here now proves it. I just wish you could see yourself the way we see you." Carlisle nodded in agreement.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Are you kidding? I'm not strong. I'm a fucking wreck."

Esme swallowed visibly, shaking her head in protest. "No, honey, that's not true. Can't you see how far you've come? How much progress you've made?" Her voice cracked. "After all these years, you're finally letting other people touch you. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? I can't even..." she clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.

I closed my eyes for a moment, hating the fact that I had upset her. But I just couldn't seem to help myself. Bella had once said that she was hurting when I was hurting, and it suddenly occurred to me that the same seemed to go for Esme and Carlisle. I needed to get better, not just for myself, but for all of them.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I'll try." Esme opened her mouth but I cut her off, suddenly remembering something, "Hey, can Bella come on Wednesday?"

"Oh, well, I..." Esme started after a brief moment's hesitation, casting an uncertain look at Carlisle.

"Um..." He looked slightly taken aback as well. "Is this something you and Bella have been discussing together?"

I nodded. "She asked if she could come to some of my sessions with me. I told her I'd think about it."

"I see." Carlisle was quiet for a moment. "Actually, I know Dr. Weber will also be holding group therapy sessions, as well as counseling for family members and friends of people who have been through what you have. I'm sure it could be arranged for her to join you occasionally, if that's what you both want. But..." He hesitated.

"But what?" I asked, suspiciously.

He let out a sigh. "Nothing." A pause. "Would you mind if I talk to Bella about this?"

I shrugged. "That's fine with me."

"Thank you." He looked relieved. "Now, I know all of this is a lot for you to take in. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Or do you have any questions?"

I raised a brow in question. "About the therapy?"

He nodded. "That, or anything else."

_Yeah, what if it doesn't work? What if I can't do this? What makes this shrink so different from all the other fuckers I've been forced to see over the years? What are the chances she'll come to the same conclusion as the last one - that I'm beyond help - and tell me to leave? Will I ever become a whole person?_

"No, I don't have any questions," I lied, pretty sure he wouldn't have the answers anyway. Or if he did, I probably wouldn't like it. I could tell by his somewhat skeptical expression that he wasn't fully convinced, but thankfully, he didn't push.

Later that night, I called Bella like I had promised. She sounded both relieved and delighted to hear from me, and the genuine happiness in her voice made me feel all warm inside. When she asked me how the talk with Carlisle and Esme went, I filled her in without hesitation.

"You're really going through with this, aren't you?" Bella's voice was full of awe. "Baby, I'm so proud of you. Whatever happens now, we'll get through it together. I'll be there for you, and so will your family. Just..." She hesitated a little. "Edward, now that Emmett knows what happened to you... Maybe you should talk to Alice as well?"

I held back a sigh. "Carlisle said the same thing."

There was a brief moment of silence, and then Bella asked, quietly, "And what did you tell him?"

"Nothing, really," I admitted, remembering how I had changed the subject and started talking about the therapy instead. "I don't know, Bella. A part of me feels like maybe I should tell her, but I don't know if I can do it. I mean, Emmett found out by himself, it wasn't like I actually..." I let out a frustrated sigh, not knowing how to explain.

"Oh." I could tell by the sound of her voice that she understood. "It'll be a lot harder to actually sit down and tell Alice the entire story. I get it." A pause. "But I think you'd feel much better afterwards, when you'll see that she won't judge you."

Again, almost exactly Carlisle's words. I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. Deep down, I suspected - or at least hoped - they were both right. But I didn't know what kind of reaction to expect from Alice, should I decide to come clean. And it left me with an uneasy feeling inside. I honestly didn't know what would be worse - repulsion or pity.

Then again - so far, anyway - Emmett had expressed neither. But on the other hand, I hadn't really given him the chance.

When I didn't respond, Bella went on, "Do you really wish Emmett hadn't found out? That things would still be the way they were before?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. My spontaneous reaction had been to say yes, but when I thought about it, I realized it wasn't that simple. I couldn't deny that a part of me was actually a bit relieved. If the truth about my past was out in the open, maybe I wouldn't constantly have to be on my guard.

If I could just bring myself to tell Alice as well, maybe I would finally be able to relax a little, at least around the house.

"I guess not," I mumbled in response to Bella's question. She remained silent, clearly waiting for me to continue. I sighed. "I don't know what you want me to say. I'm scared, Bella. I'm fucking terrified. I feel like everything's suddenly happening so fast, I can't even keep up."

For some reason, I was no longer ashamed of telling Bella how I really felt. I knew she would understand. Somehow, she always did. In fact, there were times when it seemed like she understood me better than I understood myself.

"I know, baby," she now told me, softly. "I realize this is scary, but I honestly believe it would be for the best. If you can talk to Alice and Emmett - really talk - then they'll be able to understand you better, and help you." She paused. "Don't you see, Edward? You don't have to go through all of this alone?"

I let out a gust of air and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Yeah, I see your point. I'll try, all right? But not tonight - it would just be too much. Maybe in a couple of days."

"Of course," Bella instantly agreed, relief evident in her voice. "Whenever you're ready." A beat. "Um, if you want me to be there, as moral support..."

"No," I cut her off immediately. She fell silent, and for a moment, I was afraid I had offended her, or hurt her feelings. I hurried to add, "Bella, please don't get me wrong. I just feel like this is something I should do by myself." I held my breath, waiting for her reaction.

She was quiet for a moment, and when she finally spoke up, her voice was thick with repressed emotion. "Edward, I'm sorry. I just want to make things easier for you, so badly, I don't even realize when I'm mollycoddling you. I'll try to back off a little, as long as you promise to let me know when you really need me." It sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

"I will." I hesitated a little before I changed the subject, "Hey, do you want me to come pick you up before school tomorrow?"

"Sure, as long as you don't mind." She sounded hopeful, yet a little uncertain.

"Of course I don't mind," I told her sincerely, then added after a brief moment's hesitation, "I love you." Every time I uttered the words, they seemed to come out a little more natural than the last.

"I love you, too, baby," she assured me in a husky voice. "So much. You have no idea."

And - at least for the moment - all my worries and fears melted away.


	62. Chapter 62

**A/N:** **A huge thanks to all my readers - new and old - for your kind comments, reviews, mail and last but not least nominations. Yes, I have received a few more, and I'm practically bouncing up and down with happiness. Some of you have asked for information on how to vote, so here's a link: http:/twilightallhumanawards (dot) webs (dot) com/voting (dot) htm**

Love you all!

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Monday morning seemed to come way too fast, and at the same time, it couldn't come quickly enough. I think it was safe to say I was torn. While I couldn't wait to see Edward again - I had come to love Biology, simply because it was practically the only class we had together - it was also the beginning of the last week before spring break.

Normally, I would be thrilled to have a week off from school, but not this time. It was my upcoming trip to Phoenix that put a damper on my mood, because not only would I have to leave Edward for a couple of days, I would also have to face Phil for the first time since I left Arizona and moved to Forks. And I was scared, whether I liked to admit it or not.

Don't get me wrong - Phil and I had always been getting along. Of all the men who could have ended up with my mother, I'd have to say he was probably the best choice - aside from Charlie, of course. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him, because we had been pretty close once, and I had really missed him.

Still, it was a reunion I was looking forward to with dread. The thought of meeting Phil didn't bother me - it was the thought of meeting a _grieving_ Phil. There was no doubt in my mind that he was mourning Renee every bit as much as I was. Caught up in my own pain, would I even have any comfort to offer him?

I had shared parts of my fears with both Edward and Alice, knowing they wouldn't be able to provide me with any answers, but at the time, it hadn't really seemed necessary. I just needed them to listen. A part of me still felt kind of bad for bothering Edward with my problems, seeing how he had enough of his own to deal with, especially now. But I wisely kept those thoughts to myself.

Edward wouldn't see things the way I saw them. If anything, he would feel guilty for not being able to be there for me and support me. More than once, I had regretted dropping that stupid comment about wishing he could come to Phoenix with me. Not because I hadn't meant it - in all honesty, I wanted nothing more, because at least then we wouldn't have to be apart.

I completely understood why Edward couldn't join me, but I knew it made him feel like he was letting me down. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth, but again, he wouldn't see it that way. I had come to realize how his mind worked most of the time, and knew this had to feel like another failure to him.

The door bell rang, snapping me out of my thoughts, and I ran down the stairs to let Edward in. He was right on time - not that I was surprised - and his face lit up when he saw me. As he offered me a crooked smile, I all but melted into a big pile of goo, but somehow managed to contain myself and return his smile.

We just looked at each other for what felt like an eternity, but in reality couldn't have been more than half a minute. I knew that because that's how long it usually took for Charlie to put the morning paper down, scramble off his chair, and hurry across the kitchen. This morning was no exception.

I barely had the time to steal a quick kiss - while Edward seemed to feel a bit more at ease around my father each time they met, he was still too intimidated to initiate any kind of physical contact - before I heard the familiar sound of a throat being cleared loudly behind us. As I rolled my eyes, I was pleased to notice that Edward remained seemingly calm next to me.

The first time Charlie had made his presence known like this, my poor baby had nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Good morning, Edward." Charlie gave me a somewhat suspicious look before turning back to my boyfriend. "A real shame about the game last night, don't you think?"

"Um..." Edward threw a slightly panicked look in my direction, most likely having no clue what my dad was talking about. But he must have remembered me telling him once that the best way to deal with Charlie was to just go with the flow and humor him, because he quickly recovered and nodded. "Right. I'm sure they'll do better the next time, though."

I pressed my lips together to stifle a giggle, praying Charlie wouldn't see through Edward's act and ask him which teams had been playing.

To my relief - as well as Edward's, I'm sure - he immediately perked up and nodded in approval. "Absolutely. This was just a minor set-back." A pause. "You two have a good day at school." And he was gone. I let out the breath I was holding, imagining how Edward did the same. Thankfully, the day had yet to come when my dad actually caught us in the act.

We arrived at school less than twenty minutes later, having barely made it out of the car before we ran into Alice and Jasper. It hit me that Edward's behavior towards his siblings had changed drastically of late. While I wouldn't go so far as to say he made an effort to start a conversation, he was no longer as hostile, and he even responded to Jasper's quiet greeting.

Needless to say, Alice was beaming. It was painfully obvious how desperately she wanted everyone to get along, and I could only hope there wouldn't be any more major set-backs for a while.

Now she gave me a hopeful look. "Hey Bella, do you wanna get together after school? I need to study, but it would be nice not having to do it alone. Maybe we could go to your place first and hang there for a while, and then you could come back to my house and have dinner with us. You know Mom and Dad are always happy to have you over."

"Yeah, sure," I agreed after only a moment's hesitation, which I hoped she hadn't noticed. As much as a part of me wanted to spend every single moment of my free time with Edward, I realized that probably wouldn't be considered healthy. Not to mention that I felt bad for making Alice feel like she would always end up on second place whenever Edward was around.

Sure, she had Jasper, but girlfriends were important too. That was something I had only recently started to learn, seeing how I had never been a typical girl in the first place. Even back in Phoenix, when I had dated Jacob, I never really had any close friends to gossip and share my thoughts and secrets with.

Not that there had been that many secrets to share, but still. It occurred to me now that I had been missing out on things, and I hadn't even realized it at the time.

I could tell by Edward's frown that he wasn't totally pleased by the fact that I was going to spend the afternoon with Alice and not him, but I knew he would never say anything. In a way, I found it endearing how he so clearly wanted to be with me all the time, because I felt exactly the same way. But I also realized that we needed to get used to the idea of not being joined at the hip.

Although I had to admit it was hard, especially since the last couple of days had been one long emotional roller-coaster for both of us. I gave Edward a sad smile and reached for his hand.

Clearly picking up on the sudden tension, Jasper spoke up, "Well, we'd better go, or we're gonna be late. I need to stop by my locker to pick up a book for my first class. Alice?" He glanced at her. "Are you coming?"

She nodded immediately. "Of course." Then she cast a hesitant look at me and Edward. "Do you guys wanna meet up out here for lunch? It's not supposed to rain until later tonight."

"How do you know that?" Edward raised a brow in mock curiosity. "Oh, don't tell me. You can see into the future?"

I snorted, but Alice's expression changed and she suddenly looked uncertain. "Um, no, I just read the weather report this morning."

Edward rolled his eyes. "No kidding? That was a fucking joke, Alice. I didn't actually expect you to develop some kind of psychic ability over night."

Jasper tried to hide a chuckle, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that Alice obviously didn't even consider that Edward might actually be joking. As realization now hit her, her eyes widened slightly and she appeared to be somewhat embarrassed. "Oh. I knew that."

"Sure you did, darling," Jasper assured her with an amused look on his face, patting her arm in a comforting manner and winking at us. He then flung his arm around Alice's shoulders, leading her away from us and towards the school building. I smiled at Edward, who just shook his head in mild exasperation and took my hand. Then we followed, at a much slower pace.

Edward walked me to my first class and then left, after promising to meet me at my locker so we could have lunch together as usual, along with Alice and Jasper. I knew he would've preferred it if it was just the two of us, but I had to give him credit for not making any objections. He really seemed to be trying hard these days, which only made my love for him grow even stronger.

I was so proud of him for attempting to socialize at school, even if it was just having lunch with his sister and her boyfriend. To most people, that would be no big deal, but to Edward, it was huge.

Of course, a part of me couldn't help but wonder what would happen when Edward went back to therapy in a couple of days. I didn't doubt for a second that it was the right thing to do, but nevertheless, I worried. If it was up to me, I'd follow him to each session and not leave his side for a moment, but I realized it would be very painful for both of us.

And more importantly, would Edward even _want_ me to be there? He had been kind of vague about it so far, and I honestly didn't know what to think. Maybe this was another thing he needed to do by himself, and maybe I had over-stepped my bounds by asking if I could join him in the first place.

But I just wanted to be there for him, because I knew he would need me. And to be perfectly honest, I wanted to talk to someone professional as well. I had so many questions, and it didn't seem right to go to Carlisle every time there was something I couldn't figure out by myself, even though he had assured me that I could always come to him. It still made me feel like I was going behind Edward's back.

"Miss Swan!" a loud voice suddenly barked, causing me to jump, and my cheeks turned bright red when I realized everyone's eyes were on me. Having been completely lost in my thoughts about Edward, I hadn't heard the teacher calling on me. I realized with a sinking feeling that I had no idea what she had just asked me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand the question," I mumbled, beyond embarrassed.

The teacher - a tall, robust woman in her early forties - let out an exaggerated sigh. "Maybe if you tried paying attention in class instead of daydreaming, Miss Swan, you wouldn't be wasting all of our time like this." Her cold eyes bored into mine for a moment, before she shook her head in annoyance and strode across the room to call on someone else.

I heard a giggle somewhere to my left, and when I turned my head, I found myself looking into Lauren Mallory's triumphant eyes. When I glared at her, she just gave me a mocking smile. I pictured myself flinging my newly sharpened pencil at her face, and then the satisfying sound of Lauren's piercing scream as it hit her in the eye. It wasn't until I noticed her frown that I realized I was grinning like an idiot.

When the bell finally rang - after what seemed like a year - I all but rushed out of the classroom. I wanted nothing more than to see Edward right away, but I still had to endure both English class and Chemistry before lunch. Normally I wouldn't complain, but today, I just couldn't seem to focus on anything.

"Hey, Bella, wait up!"

I immediately recognized Jessica's voice, and plastered a smile on my face as I turned around to face her. "Hi, Jess. Sorry, I didn't see you." It wasn't a lie. If I _had_ seen her, I would've run in the other direction before she could catch me. She wasn't as bad as Lauren, but seeing how the two of them were friends, I figured I might as well try to avoid her as well.

After all, it wasn't like we had anything in common. Sure, Jess had been pretty nice to me when I first moved here, but I had soon come to realize that she was more interested in the attention she got by hanging with 'the new girl' than getting to know me as a person. However, I didn't want to be rude and tell her to just leave me alone.

"I feel like we barely talk anymore," she told me now, as if we used to be best friends or something. "Anything interesting happen lately?"

"Um..." A small voice inside my head warned that she was probably just looking for gossip, but I didn't want to assume the worst of people, so I gave her a small smile and shrugged. "No, not really." Seeing the disappointed look on her face, I felt a little guilty and hurried to ask, "What about you, Jess? What have you been up to?"

Jessica's face lit up and she let out a squeal. "Oh my God, I thought you'd never ask! I'm going to the prom with Mike, can you believe it?"

Somehow, I managed not to gag at the mention of Mike's name. He had been avoiding us since that day Edward broke his nose, but I would pass him in the hallway every now and then, and we also shared a few classes. Although he always made sure not to look directly at me - or Edward, for that matter - and I was convinced Emmett had something to do with that.

"Couldn't you have found someone better?" The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I had spoken, and I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror, but it was too late. Jess' face fell, and I felt horrible, because I honestly hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. It was just that - as far as I was concerned - Mike Newton was a first class jerk, and anyone deserved better than him.

Unfortunately, judging by Jessica's angry expression, she disagreed. "You're just jealous," she accused, giving me a hard look. "You know, Mike told me all about how you tried to come on to him, and when he turned you down, you moved on to Edward Cullen." She practically spat the name out, and I instantly saw red.

"That's just ridiculous." I glared at her, then silently counted to five. "Look, Jessica, I didn't mean to be rude. That was a stupid thing to say, and I'm sorry. I'm sure you and Mike will have a great time at the prom." I hoped my words would placate her, because I really didn't want to fight with her.

I just wanted to go to my next class. But it seemed like Jess wasn't about to forgive me that easily. "What about you, Bella?" she demanded in a sarcastic voice. "Are you and Edward going to the prom? Or hasn't he bothered to ask you?"

As much as I wanted to flip her off and tell her that it was none of her business, I firmly told myself not to take the bait and snap at her. So I met her eyes as calmly as I could. "Actually, I'm not much for dancing. We'll most likely skip it."

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes, obviously still upset. I held back a sigh when she spun around and stomped off with a huff.

The rest of my morning classes thankfully went by without any further incidents or disasters, but I was still not in the best of moods when I hurried through the crowded corridors, heading for Edward's locker. I told myself that it was just four and a half days left before spring break, but that also reminded me of the fact that I would have to go to Phoenix.

At least now I would get to spend the next two hours with Edward, seeing how we had Biology together right after lunch break. And I felt a sudden urge to find Alice and complain about Jess and Lauren. After our little encounter, I wouldn't be surprised if Jessica was already running around school, spreading nasty rumors about me.

I stepped around a corner, my eyes searching eagerly for any sign of Edward, and finally I spotted him. He was standing by the line of lockers, at the far side of the hallway, and I was surprised to see that he wasn't alone. It looked like he was talking to someone. As I got closer, I realized who it was, and I froze dead in my tracks.

_What the hell?_


	63. Chapter 63

**A/N:****Again, thank you all so much for your kind reviews and continued support! I know I'm repeating myself, but I really wish I had the time to respond to each and every one of you.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

I had just dropped my books off at my locker and was currently waiting for Bella to show up, when I heard a quiet voice behind me, carefully calling out my name. "Hey, Edward?" I froze for a brief moment and then turned around, my eyes narrowing suspiciously when I recognized the blonde girl standing in front of me.

"Rosalie?" I stared at her in disbelief, crossing my arms protectively over my chest and raised a brow in question. Would it be terribly rude if I asked her straight out what the fuck she wanted? Yeah, it probably would. Did I care? Not in the slightest. Still, something held me back. So I just looked at her, waiting for her to tell me the reason for her approach.

Again, I really couldn't care less.

"Hi." She cleared her throat, and if I didn't know better, I'd say she was nervous. But that didn't seem to add up with the Rosalie I knew and loathed. "Um, have you seen Emmett?"

Since when did Rosalie come to me and ask about Emmett? Hell, since when did she even speak to me about anything? Of course, I didn't count insults and accusations. I felt like my head was spinning, and instinctively opened my mouth to simply tell her to fuck off. But for some reason, the words wouldn't come.

"Why?" I blinked in surprise at my question - it wasn't like I actually gave a damn.

I wasn't completely blind - I realized Rosalie had to be one of the most stunning people at the entire school, but that didn't change the fact that she was a total bitch, and I had never really understood what Emmett saw in her. Or Alice, for that matter. It suddenly occurred to me that Emmett didn't appear to be the only one to sever the ties with Rosalie.

Whether I liked it or not, I couldn't deny that I was the main reason why Emmett had decided to end their relationship, seeing how he had admitted so himself. But what about Alice? Could the same thing go for her? I found it much more likely that she had acted out of loyalty towards Emmett, but I honestly didn't know what to think.

Rosalie lowered her eyes, almost timidly, and I was more than a little perplexed by her strange behavior. She mumbled something I couldn't make out, and I leaned forward without even thinking. "What did you say?" I asked in confusion.

She reluctantly raised her eyes, and let out a sigh. "I said, I'm worried about him. He's not sick or anything, is he?"

A part of me still had a hard time taking in the fact that Rosalie was standing here talking to me without accusation in her eyes and her voice dripping with venom. Of course, our dislike toward one another was very much mutual, and had been since the day - it seemed like a lifetime ago now - when she approached me after school, more than a year ago and months before she started dating Emmett.

_I slammed my locker shut and turned around, only to nearly walk right into a tall, blonde girl who couldn't be standing more than a foot away, and I instinctively jumped back, startled. "What the fuck?" I demanded angrily as soon as I had recovered, furious that someone would dare invading my personal space.___

_However, she didn't appear to be taken aback by my hostility, because her smile widened and she tossed her long hair over her shoulder, batting her long eyelashes at me. "Sadie Hawkins is coming up in a couple of weeks," she informed me bluntly, looking at me expectantly, like her words would mean anything to me.___

_I knew who she was, of course, everybody did. Just because I refused to interact with other people didn't mean I was living under a rock. I had heard the rumors going around. Rosalie Hale was the new girl at Forks High, having recently moved here, and since the moment she first entered the school building, people had practically been worshiping the ground she walked on.___

_Aside from me, who couldn't care less, as long as she - and everybody else, for that matter - just stayed the fuck away from me. ___

_"I want you to be my date," she now went on, looking as if she expected me to drop at her feet and thank her. Was she fucking serious?___

_I didn't even dignify her statement with an answer. "Get out of my way," I muttered, turning around to leave, but she had other ideas. Panic welled up inside me as she grabbed my arm to stop me, and my heart started beating wildly in my chest. She was touching me, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before I would have a fucking meltdown, right there in the hallway.___

_"Don't fucking touch me, you bitch!" I hissed and snatched my arm away, glaring at her in a desperate attempt of hiding the revulsion threatening to consume me.___

_Rosalie's face paled, and she appeared to be momentarily stunned by my reaction. Then her eyes narrowed in fury. "How dare you speak to me this way? Don't you know who I am? You should be honored I'm offering to go with you! I'm telling you, there's not a single guy in this school who wouldn't kill for an opportunity to go to this dance with me."___

_I might have laughed at her pathetic outburst, had I not been shaking and struggling against the sudden urge to run. Either that, or I feared I would throw up. But Rosalie seemed to be completely oblivious to my discomfort, as she kept on ranting. I had stopped listening, though, my eyes darting around for the nearest escape route.___

_People had started gathering around us. When she finally seemed to realize we had attracted an audience, her cheeks turned bright red. She spun around and strode off without another word. ___

_And I couldn't flee the scene fast enough._

As much as it pained me to admit it, the Rosalie standing in front of me now was a completely different person. She seemed self-conscious, nervous, but most of all worried. When I didn't respond, she took a deep breath. "Edward, please. I hate to bother you with this, but I don't know what else to do."

I frowned at her words and took a moment to really take in her appearance, realizing she looked horrible, like she hadn't slept in days. She had to be really fucking desperate to walk up to me like this. That was when it hit me that I was probably right on, although I didn't understand why.

She and Emmett were no longer together. He had broken up with her. So why was she suddenly so concerned about him? Did something happen that I didn't know about?

I shook my head to clear it. "He seemed fine this morning," I mumbled, a part of me wondering why I was wasting my time talking to Rosalie. So what if she worried about Emmett, for reasons beyond me. Why should I care?

"So, he's here at school?" The relief in her voice was obvious. When she went on, I couldn't help but notice that her voice was trembling. "He won't return my phone calls. But I just wanted to make sure he was all right. Ever since he called me in the middle of the night last Friday, I've been really..." She stopped herself abruptly, having clearly not intended to let that particular information slip out.

I stared at her, pretty sure Emmett hadn't mentioned anything about calling Rosalie this weekend. Then again, why would he tell me? And even if he had, I probably wouldn't have paid much attention. Wait a minute. Last Friday? That would be right after my humiliating little episode in the kitchen, that caused me to end up in the hospital. I shivered.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?"

I froze for a second, wondering if she could read my mind. Self-consciously hiding my bandaged hand behind my back, I ignored her question. "Emmett called you last Friday?"

At the mention of Emmett, Rosalie seemed to forget all about my unintentional, yet self-inflicted injury - much to my relief - and nodded. "Yeah. It was late, way past midnight. I was asleep, so I didn't notice I had a missed call until the next morning. He, um, sort of left me a message..." Her voice trailed off.

I gave her a look of confusion. "Sort of?"

She nodded again, not meeting my eyes. "He was upset. I could barely hear what he was saying." A beat. "It sounded like he was crying."

_What?_

I blinked, certain I hadn't heard her correctly. "Excuse me?"

Rosalie raised her head and looked right at me, and the pain in her eyes took me by surprise. "Look, I know you can't stand me. I know I can be a real bitch sometimes, and I know I've said and done things that have been out of line and uncalled for. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I-I don't handle rejection very well."

Did Rosalie just fucking apologize? To me? I just looked at her, skeptically. She must have seen my bewilderment, because she rolled her eyes. "I don't think I need to tell you how hard this is for me. I realize this probably doesn't mean a thing to you, but I really do love Emmett." A pause. "More than anything."

I snapped out of the stupor. Something about her words bothered me, although I wasn't completely sure why. It took a moment before I realized it was the fact that she just assumed that I wouldn't care. Not that I could really blame her, because normally I wouldn't. But still...

While I wanted to tell her to just get over it, that Emmett didn't care about her anymore, I knew that wasn't true. Because I had seen him walking around the house like a zombie - when he thought no one would notice - and I remembered him accidentally mentioning Rosalie's name every now and again, and the wistful, almost longing expression on his face before he would cover up and change the subject.

No, Emmett still loved her, no question about that.

She must have taken my silence for confirmation that her assumption was correct, because she sighed in defeat and turned around to leave. I closed my eyes for a second, wishing for a brief moment that I could just go back to not giving a fuck about anything. "Wait." Rosalie stopped and looked at me over her shoulder, hope suddenly evident on her face.

I sighed. "Emmett's fine. He's around here somewhere." I hesitated a little before I went on, "If I see him, I'll let him know you're looking for him."

She watched me in silence for a moment, obviously not fully convinced that I was serious. Then she nodded in acceptance. "That would be great." She paused before adding, "Thank you." I just nodded awkwardly in acknowledgment, not knowing how to respond. When she turned to leave again, I think we both knew I wasn't going to stop her this time.

"Hey!" I looked up and saw Bella hurrying towards me, her eyes locked on Rosalie's retreating form. "What was that about?" Her voice was filled with concern, and something else, possibly anger, but I wasn't sure. "Are you okay? What did she say to you? Did she-"

"Bella," I cut her off, and her eyes immediately shot to mine. "Everything's fine," I assured her. "She was just asking about Emmett." She nodded in understanding, although the worry didn't quite leave her eyes. I gently cupped her cheek, and her face instantly softened. "Hey," I mumbled, tracing her cheekbone with my thumb. "I've missed you."

"I missed you, too," she breathed, her arms slipping around my waist as she melted into my embrace, and I knew in that moment that Rosalie was forgotten. I figured people had to be passing us in the corridor, because the place had been fucking crowded a moment ago, but I could honestly say I wouldn't notice.

Nothing else existed but the girl in my arms. My Bella. I let out a contented sigh and tightened my hold on her. We just stood like that for a couple of minutes before she finally pulled back a little. "We'd better go, before Alice comes looking for us," she said regretfully.

I suppressed a groan, knowing she was right. "Remind me again why the hell you agreed to us having lunch with them," I grumbled.

Bella let out a snort of amusement. "Hey, don't blame me. You said you didn't mind."

"Did I?" I raised a brow and shook my head. "Highly fucking doubtful." She just rolled her eyes as we started walking. Suddenly I stopped, as something had just occurred to me. "Hold on just a sec." Bella gave me a questioning look, but didn't object. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket, wrote a short text message, and pressed 'send' while Bella waited patiently next to me.

I could see the curiosity burning in her eyes, and I knew she was dying to ask what I was doing, but she remained silent, only offering me a soft smile as I slipped my phone back down in my pocket and reached for her hand. "All done," I told her quietly. She just nodded, and we started walking again, heading for the nearest way out of the school building.

A few minutes later, Bella and I were sitting side by side at 'our' picnic table, waiting for Alice and Jasper to show up. It didn't take long before they appeared, hand in hand, quietly taking seats across the table. We started eating mostly in silence, and while I preferred to share the lunch break with Bella alone, I couldn't honestly say the company was making me uncomfortable.

Eventually we fell into a somewhat comfortable conversation - or at least the rest of them were talking, and I was trying to look like I was paying attention. It was all still so new to me, not doing whatever I could to distance myself and push everyone else - aside from Bella, of course - away. Sometimes, I would slip right into old patterns without even realizing I was doing it.

Then I had to remind myself why I needed to make an effort. The main reason was sitting next to me. She had brown eyes, and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. And she was looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. It sounded corny as hell, but with Bella by my side, I felt like I could do just about anything, including going back to therapy in a couple of days.

Maybe. Fuck! I felt my mood drop and my anxiety grow. Bella wordlessly squeezed my hand, as if she had sensed my sudden distress, and in all honesty, I wouldn't put it past her. She always seemed able to see right through whatever charade I was putting up and read my emotions like a book. Sometimes it came in handy, and sometimes it was just fucking scary.

"Hey, guys. Hope I'm not interrupting."

We all looked up at the sound of Emmett's voice, and at first I was grateful for the distraction. That was until I remembered my encounter with Rosalie, and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I really wasn't in a mood for having this particular discussion right now. But when my eyes met Emmett's, I realized I didn't have much choice.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" he asked me in a strained voice, after waving off Alice's invitation to join us at the picnic table.

I forced back a sigh, because I knew what he wanted to talk about. "Can't it wait until we get home?" I heard the irritation in my voice, and figured he had picked up on my reluctance, because his shoulders slumped and he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Is something wrong?" Bella asked softly, her voice low enough so no one else would hear. I shook my head, but I could tell she wasn't totally convinced.

I noticed how Alice and Jasper watched us in mixed curiosity and confusion, but wisely remained silent. Deciding not to make a scene, I let out another sigh, this time in defeat, and stood up to face Emmett. The relief on his face was obvious as he gestured for me to follow him so we could have some privacy. I felt Bella's eyes on me, and gave her a small smile I hoped would assure her that things were okay.

"Okay, care to explain?" Emmett demanded as soon as we were out of earshot. He held up his cellphone, revealing the text message I had sent him less than twenty minutes ago. "This makes absolutely no sense to me. Why the hell would you tell me I should talk to Rosalie?"

I closed my eyes and silently counted to five. "Why do you have to question my motives? You know you want to. I'm not going to be the one standing between the two of you." My words came out more defensive than I had intended, but I meant it. I couldn't stand the idea of being the reason behind his broken relationship.

And - as strange as it seemed to me - I couldn't deny the fact that Rosalie clearly made him happy. I didn't want Emmett to be miserable and alone for the rest of his life. Of course, that was something I would most likely never admit out loud.

Now he opened his mouth, no doubt to object, so I cut him off, uttering the only words I figured would convince him. "She apologized for being a bitch. And..." I hesitated for a moment. "She just told me she loves you."


	64. Chapter 64

**EPOV**

"Edward? Is that you, son?"

"Yeah." I closed the front door behind me just as Carlisle appeared in the doorway to his office. Shrugging out of my jacket and dropping my school bag on the floor, I gave him a questioning look.

"Listen, I..." He hesitated a little. "Do you have a moment? I would like to speak with you."

_What did I do now?_ the voice inside my head instantly cried out in panic, but I managed to push the irrational fear to the back of my mind. I just couldn't help it - it was like I was reacting out of pure instinct, even after all these years, and deep down, I wondered if I would ever be able to completely let my guard down.

I sucked in a deep breath, and nodded. "All right." He looked pleased, yet somewhat apprehensive, and I got the feeling he was bracing himself for something. I started to feel nervous, but tried not to let it show as I walked over to the couch and sat down, looking at him expectantly.

To tell the truth, I had been in a pretty good mood until I stepped through the door. My talk with Emmett at lunch had turned out better than I had expected, and we had actually parted on good terms. I had to admit that I was surprised by the lack of awkwardness between us - after all, he knew the truth about my past, and for a while, I had been fully convinced that I would never be able to face him again.

But - to my great astonishment - not once had he confronted me about it. After telling me the other day that I had nothing to be ashamed of, he hadn't brought up the subject again. And I had slowly started to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't just waiting for an opportunity to throw my humiliating secret back in my face.

In fact, for the first time in, well, ever, I felt like maybe Emmett was on my side after all. And another one of the walls I had put up around me was starting to crumble. While it was scary as hell, it was also quite a relief. Bella's words 'you are not alone' kept ringing in my head, and I was beginning to see that she was right.

Maybe I could even find the courage to tell Alice.

However, right now I needed to focus on what Carlisle had to say. He didn't seem upset, but my instinct told me to stay on guard, that it probably wasn't any good news. Whenever he wanted to speak with me in private, it rarely was. Then again, at least he hadn't asked me to step into his office this time.

He didn't waste any time. "Edward, I spoke with Victoria today. We made an appointment for her annual visit. She'll be coming here next Monday - that is one week from today." A pause. "How do you feel about that?"

I rolled my eyes. "Does it even matter? It's not like I've got a fucking choice."

Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose. "Remember, this will be the-"

"The last time. Right. Whatever." I folded my arms across my chest, knowing I was acting like a sullen child, but I didn't care. This was something I had been forced to endure once a year - spending a couple of hours with this woman and having to answer her questions while she was taking her fucking notes, acting as if she gave a damn about my well-being.

Fucking bullshit.

I couldn't explain exactly what it was about Mrs. Masen - I flat out refused to address her as Victoria - that rubbed me the wrong way, because in all honesty, she had never actually been rude or unpleasant to me. I supposed it could be the fact that she was representing the part of my life that I just wanted to forget, but I couldn't help but think there had to be something more.

Carlisle had tried to explain the purpose of her visits to me many times over the years - basically she was supposed to see how I was adjusting, and that Carlisle and Esme were doing a good job as adoptive parents, but I always felt like her real intention was to look for signs that I was messing up, and should be taken away. I had done my best to keep those feelings to myself, though.

Now, Carlisle had assured me again and again that once I turned eighteen, and would legally be considered an adult, I would no longer have to do this shit. Just one more time. So why couldn't I just say to hell with it and relax? Why did I feel like something really bad was about to happen?

Something just hit me, which made me feel even more ill at ease. "Next Monday? But Bella's going to Phoenix next weekend. She might not be back by then."

"Bella?" Carlisle frowned, clearly taken aback. "I'm sorry, I don't understand. What does your appointment with Victoria have to do with Bella?"

"Well, nothing." I fought against the frustration threatening to well up inside me. "I know I'll have to talk to Mrs. Masen alone, but I just wanted Bella to be here. I can't do this without her."

"Edward..." He hesitated, and I could tell he was choosing his words very carefully. "You do realize you have done this every year, long before Bella was in the picture. Now, I know it hasn't been easy for you, but you have always managed. And more importantly, you need to remember there are other people in your life, beside Bella, who care about you deeply and want to help you."

I lowered my eyes, suddenly feeling ashamed. "I didn't mean-"

"Listen to me," he cut me off, softly. "Bella is an amazing girl. I know how important she is to you, and there's no doubt in my mind that she feels exactly the same way about you. I understand that she makes you feel safe, and I can tell she's more than willing to let you lean on her whenever you need it. But I have to say I'm a bit worried that you are becoming too dependent on her."

I stared at him in disbelief. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I demanded.

He sighed. "Please, don't get me wrong. It's wonderful that you are letting other people into your life, and I realize Bella has played a huge part in all the progress you've made lately. It's obvious the two of you are good for each other. But you need to learn to trust yourself. Bella can't always be here. And don't forget that - even when Bella's not around - you are never alone. You will still have your family."

Maybe he was right. Maybe I was physically capable of doing this without Bella. But I didn't fucking want to. I clenched my fists, struggling not to lose my temper. "Whatever you say. Can I go now?"

"Edward, would you please just hear me out?" He held up a hand, as if to prevent me from leaving. "Believe me when I say I'm not trying to come between you and Bella. I would never keep you from seeing her. As far as I'm concerned, she's a part of the family, and she will always be welcome here."

I opened my mouth, but he wasn't finished. "I'm just trying to help you, Edward. Maybe I'm over-reacting. But the fact remains - there will be times when Bella is unavailable. I just want you to know that you can depend on us as well. We will always be here for you."

Deep down, I knew he meant it. "I just want this fucking shit to be over," I muttered.

"I know you do," Carlisle told me in a sympathetic voice, and - after a brief moment's hesitation - placed his hand on my arm. It took a couple of seconds before I realized that I hadn't even reacted, let alone flinched, and I figured I had really gotten used to him and Esme touching me over the last couple of days.

"You know what?" he went on after a few minutes of silence. "I say we let this go for now, and cross that bridge when we get there." I gave him a doubtful look, but nodded in agreement. He checked his watch. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. What do you say we go out and get something to eat?"

"Um..." I hesitated, knowing I could probably say no, and he wouldn't be offended. But then what would I do? Spend the next couple of hours alone in my room, thinking about things I desperately wanted to avoid? Not if I could help it. So I nodded again. "Yeah, sure."

"Really?" Carlisle looked pleasantly surprised. "Great! I'm in a mood for a big, greasy cheese burger. Let's go right away, before Esme finds out and tries to stop us." He winked, although I had a feeling he was only half joking. Shaking my head, I obediently got up and grabbed my jacket.

In that moment, the door opened and Emmett walked in, a huge grin on his face. "What's up?" he wanted to know when he saw us.

"You're in a good mood," Carlisle stated. I raised a brow, wondering if Emmett and Rosalie had made up. That might explain why he was smiling so widely it looked like his face was about to split in two. I wasn't going to ask, though, not wanting to appear too interested.

Although I had to admit I was curious.

"Just having a good day, I guess," Emmett responded with a shrug. I held back a snort.

"That's nice." Carlisle smiled, although he looked a little confused. "Well, Edward and I were talking about heading over to The Lodge."

The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken. "You can come if you want."

Emmett blinked in surprise, and I noticed even Carlisle looked stunned. But - to my relief - both of them seemed to recover quickly, and Carlisle gave Emmett a questioning look. "What do you say, son? Are you hungry?"

"I'm always hungry!" was Emmett's immediate response, and I rolled my eyes. Carlisle went to let Esme know we were leaving, and ten minutes later, we were on our way.

**OoO******

**BPOV**

"Rosalie? Really?" Alice sounded perplexed, and I couldn't blame her.

I nodded. "Edward said she was asking about Emmett."

"Huh." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "He didn't seem upset at lunch."

Worrying my bottom lip between my teeth, I then nodded my head in agreement. "No, he assured me everything was okay. But I don't know, Alice. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, of all the nerves! And why would she talk to Edward of all people?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe she's trying to make amends or something."

"Rosalie? Make amends?" I snorted, not finding it very likely.

She plonked herself down on my bed, her fingers playing absently with the bedspread. "She's not really a bad person, Bella. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed at her for the way she talked about Edward, and I don't plan on forgiving her any time soon. It's just that I've seen her around school, and she looks so sad. Maybe she's really sorry for the way she's been acting."

"Or maybe she just wants Emmett back and is willing to do anything to get her way," I muttered. Normally I wouldn't automatically assume the worst of people, but Rosalie was definitely not in my good graces.

"Well, if that's true, I know Emmett will see right through her," Alice stated with certainty. "I never told you this, but I overheard him talking to Rose on the phone. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't help but hear some of the things he said." She paused. "He was really angry, Bella. I actually felt kind of bad for her, but at the same time, it was great to hear Emmett tell her off."

I understood all too well what she meant. "Do you think you and Rose will ever become friends again?"

Alice was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then she glanced at me. "I hope so. It all depends on her, though."

Nodding in acceptance, I then changed the subject, "So, how're things with you and Jasper?"

Her face instantly lit up at the mention of her boyfriend. "Honestly? It couldn't be better. He's wonderful, Bella. I'm going to marry him."

"That's great, Alice." I couldn't help but tease her a little. "Does he know about it?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "but you won't hear him complain." She got a mischievous look on her face as she added, "If he knows what's good for him." I laughed. "What about you, Bella?" Alice sobered up and eyed me carefully, her voice suddenly serious. "Do you want to get married?"

My cheeks flushed. "God, Alice, I don't know. Maybe some day, many, many years from now, but I can't really think that far ahead. I mean, I'm seventeen, for crying out loud!"

"So am I." Alice shrugged. "It doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Seriously, haven't you ever fantasized about what your wedding day would be like?"

"Um, no?" I felt a little stupid.

She gave me an incredulous look. "Come on, Bella! Don't tell me you never dressed up in a white dress and pretended to get married when you were younger." I just shrugged, helplessly, and she huffed in disapproval. I tried not to giggle at her expression, but it was hard.

"Sorry for being such a disappointment." I smiled. "Really, Alice, I've just never seen the point in getting married."

"Okay, then let me put it this way..." Alice leaned forward on the bed, her eyes locked on my face. "_If_ you ever decide to get married, do you think it'll be with my brother?"

My eyes widened at her bluntness, although I supposed I shouldn't really be surprised. "Alice, what kind of question is that? I mean, what do you expect me to say?" She just looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. "Of course it would be with Edward - like there would ever be anyone else. But I'm not saying-"

She cut me off with an ear-piercing squeal. "I knew it! I'm so gonna be your bridesmaid!"

I buried my face in my hands and let out a groan. When I looked up again, she had the biggest grin on her face, bouncing up and down on the bed. I gave her a warning look. "I can't believe we are even having this conversation! You better not mention any of this to Edward, or you'll scare him away for good."

"Oh, don't worry, Bella." She pretended to zip her lips closed. "My lips are sealed." Then she winked at me and started humming Mendelssohn's wedding march.

I slapped her arm, which only seemed to add to her amusement. "Alice!"

"I'm just kidding," she assured me, finally turning serious. Then - much to my relief - she changed the subject.

We decided to spend the next couple of hours studying, since we both had homework to do, and then head over to Alice's house for dinner. When I ran downstairs to fill Charlie in on my plans, he merely grunted in approval. To tell the truth, I was grateful he didn't put up a fight, seeing how much time I had spent at the Cullens' lately.

As much as I had enjoyed spending the afternoon with Alice, I was eager to get back to her place and see Edward again. Alice just gave me a knowing look, and I blushed. However, when we arrived at the Cullens', less than half an hour later, it didn't take long before I found that Esme was the only one home.

I tried not to let my disappointment show. But when I heard that Edward was away with Carlisle and Emmett, I felt pride welling up inside me, and I was so happy he seemed to be making an effort to bond with his family. This sure was a huge step for him, and I couldn't wait to tell Edward how proud I was of him.

"So, I guess it'll just be the three of us for dinner," Esme declared with a smile. "Bella, I hope you like ground beef casserole and rice."

"Sure, that sounds great," I told her enthusiastically. Alice started setting the table for three, and I went to help, waving off her and Esme's objections. It didn't take long before dinner was ready. The casserole was delicious, and I found myself shoving food into my mouth like I hadn't eaten for days.

We were eating and making small talk, and I had a really good time, even though I missed Edward. It was actually nice being able to enjoy myself with other people as well.

When we were almost finished eating, Esme put her fork down and looked at me. "So, Bella, I heard you're going away next weekend."

I nodded, trying to keep from grimacing. "Unfortunately, yeah. Hopefully I'll be back in a couple of days." My lack of enthusiasm must have been obvious, because she gave me a sympathetic smile. I didn't really feel like discussing this, so I quickly took another bite of my food, only to realize I had lost my appetite. Instead I took a small sip of my water, and forced a smile in return.

After helping Esme to clear the table, Alice suggested we'd go into the living room and watch a movie, and I gratefully accepted. Although she clearly tried to be subtle about it, it was painfully obvious she could tell I was waiting for Edward to return. But to her credit, she never mentioned anything. She really was a good friend, and I hoped she realized how much I appreciated her.

I firmly told myself to do my best not to neglect her again.


	65. Chapter 65

**A/N:**** Please believe me when I say I read, re-read and appreciate every single review I get, even if I can't respond to everyone like I wish I could. I do try to respond if you have a question, though. Some people have asked about lemons, and I hope you can understand that I'm not going to reveal anything about what's going to happen later on in the story. I can just ask you to be patient with me. We've made it through maybe 80% of the story, which means there are still things left to happen. I really hope you'll be there with me to the end. Anyway, thank you all so much for your wonderful support! Enough rambling, and on with the story. :)**

OoO

**EPOV**

When we entered The Lodge, I was pleased to notice that the place was almost empty. Only a few of the tables were occupied, and we headed for one of the booths at the far side of the restaurant. It didn't take long before a young waitress showed up to take our orders. I wasn't all that hungry, but decided on a small burger and some fries.

While we were waiting for the food to arrive, Carlisle wanted to know about our day, and Emmett enthusiastically launched into a gruesome story about some guy named Lee Stephens, who apparently had passed out and nearly cracked his skull open on the windowsill when they were blood typing in Bio.

The story made me think of Bella, and, knowing we'd be doing the same thing later this week, I decided it might be a good idea for her to skip that particular class. I had learned the hard way that my girl and blood didn't usually mix.

"What about you, Edward?" Carlisle asked when Emmett finally fell silent. "Did anything interesting happen at school?"

"Depends on how you define 'interesting'." I shrugged, rolling my eyes. "Unfortunately, I didn't get to witness any bloodshed, but I did watch Tyler Crowley slip and land on his ass in a mud puddle." I grinned at the memory - it had made my entire day.

Emmett snickered, insisting he would've paid good money to see it, and Carlisle tried to keep a straight face as he looked at both of us in mild disapproval. "I wish you two wouldn't find such amusement in the misfortune of your classmates." I just shrugged again, although Emmett waved his hand in dismissal, firmly informing him that Lee was a wuss and Tyler a moron.

A moment later, the waitress returned with our food, and Emmett immediately started shoving fries into his mouth. I took a bite of my burger - it was actually really good - and I realized that maybe I was hungry after all. For a couple of minutes, we ate in silence.

After finishing his cheeseburger and pushing his empty plate away, Carlisle spoke up quietly, "I'm glad the three of us got this moment to ourselves. I realize the last couple of days have been pretty tough for both of you, and I've been meaning to talk to you about it." He hesitated, glancing over his shoulder. "But I'm not sure this is the right place."

I looked around the large room, noting that no new customers had arrived, in fact, a few people had even finished their meals and left the restaurant since we had started eating. But I figured he worried less about the possibility of someone overhearing our conversation, and more of me making a scene. As much as I hated the idea of people walking on egg shells around me, I knew I could hardly blame him.

After all, it had happened before - many times over the years.

Emmett cast a brief look at me, all traces of humor suddenly gone from his face. I remained silent for almost a minute, before I finally took a deep breath and asked Carlisle in a low voice, "What exactly do you want to talk about?"

"Well..." He looked from me to Emmett, and then back at me again. "I've noticed you two seem to be getting along much better these days. It makes me very glad." A pause. "However, a lot of things have happened recently, some of them unpleasant for all of us, and I'm sure you have found it both confusing and upsetting. I want to do whatever I can to make it easier for both of you."

When his only response was silence, he continued, "Edward, how do you feel about this? Is there anything you'd like to say to Emmett? Or..." his voice trailed off when I just shook my head. I didn't know what to say. The situation felt surreal. A part of me wanted to know what Emmett was thinking, but at the same time, I didn't know if I was actually ready to find out.

"Well, I might have something to say." Emmett picked up a leftover fry, then grimaced and dropped it back on his plate. "Actually, I have plenty to say, but honestly, I don't see the point. I mean, what good would it do? It sure as hell won't change anything." He looked away, although not quickly enough for me to miss the shame in his eyes.

Carlisle leaned back in his seat with a sigh. "The reason I brought this up now is because I want you to know that both Esme and I are here for you. We will get through this as a family."

Emmett snorted. "Yeah? That's bullshit! Since when?" Then he must have seen the look on my face, because he shook his head and raised his hands apologetically. "Look, man, I'm not blaming you or anything. I don't blame anyone. I just feel really fucking stupid right now."

I stared at him like he had just grown a second head, and the words were out of my mouth before I even had the chance to think. "Why the fuck would _you_ feel stupid?" This was certainly not the time and place for this conversation, I had to agree with Carlisle on that. I wished Bella was here. She would be sitting right next to me, holding my hand.

"Why do you think? Because all this time, I've..." Emmett let out a frustrated sigh. "I didn't understand, okay? I would've... I don't know. Acted differently."

"Yeah, well, I didn't want your fucking pity," I grumbled, pushing away my half empty glass a little harder than necessary. He immediately lowered his eyes.

Carlisle spoke up, carefully, "Edward, you do realize there's a difference between pity and compassion? Let me assure you-"

"Whatever," I cut him off, feeling like my head was spinning. I didn't want to dwell on this. Not now. Things had been good. And now, all of a sudden, I felt like I was standing on the edge and staring down into a bottomless pit, about to fall in. I closed my eyes.

"Look, I know I can't take anything I've said or done back," Emmett now said in an uncharacteristically small voice, and my eyes snapped open. "Just tell me what to do. I wanna make things right."

He sounded so desperate, and it reminded me of what Rosalie had said about Emmett calling her in the middle of the night, sounding like he was crying. I had dismissed the idea at the time, but now I couldn't help but think that maybe there was more to Emmett than just this cocky, insensitive asshole I had taken him for all these years.

Sure, he may have acted like a jerk to me most of the time, but I was no better. So, we hadn't gotten along, but I had never really given him a chance to understand why I couldn't just suck it up and be more like him. Like a normal kid. Suddenly I could see myself through Emmett's eyes, and I saw a moody, sullen boy who threw tantrums and broke things, an intruder in his family.

So why should he treat me any differently?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, horrified when my voice cracked. "Guess I've made your life a fucking hell."

"What?" Emmett gasped, an incredulous look on his face. "No, I-"

"Boys," Carlisle interrupted softly, "I believe we should continue this discussion when we get home. It was wrong of me to bring the subject up in the first place, and I apologize. Why don't we just-"

"No!" Emmett protested loudly, then caught himself and lowered his voice. "Dad, what he just said, you can't expect me to just let it go." He turned back to me. "Look, Edward, that's not true. It's fucking bullshit. I said I didn't understand, and that's my fault, not yours. If I had been less of an ass, maybe we would've been closer, and then maybe you would've trusted me. I'm sorry." His voice broke.

How ironic was it that when Emmett and I finally seemed ready to have a heart-to-heart, we were at the fucking Lodge? I tried to ignore the way my eyes were stinging. Right now, I wanted Bella more than ever, but I knew Carlisle was right when he said she couldn't always be here.

Of course, that didn't mean I had to like it.

"It's not just your fault," I told him sincerely, keeping my eyes on the table in front of me. "I realize it's the understatement of the fucking year, but I have a bit of a problem trusting people. Really, I doubt anything you could've done would've changed that." A part of me couldn't believe I was sitting here having this conversation with Emmett, and I still couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.

Carlisle spoke up. "Son, Esme and I have always known you were never able to fully trust us. We understand, and it's not your fault. I want you to know that we would never give up hope, though, and while there are things I now realize we should've done differently, I promise we have always tried to do whatever we can to help you."

I nodded, taking a deep breath and raising my head. "I know."

**OoO******

**BPOV**

If there was one thing I had learned about Edward, it was that you could never predict what mood he would be in when you saw him. It could change drastically from one moment to the next, which had to be exhausting, not only for the people around him, but for himself as well.

As I waited for him to return, I couldn't help but wonder how things had gone at dinner. Hopefully it had been quiet, with no incidents, because as far as I was concerned, they were all in a desperate need of a break. I tried to make small talk with Alice, not wanting to spend all my time worrying.

When I finally heard the sound of a car in the driveway, I sat up straight on the couch, glancing eagerly towards the door. Alice just rolled her eyes at me in a goodhearted manner, and I gave her a sheepish smile.

Emmett was the first to step through the door, Carlisle and Edward in tow, although he immediately disappeared up the stairs, claiming he had a phone call to make. Edward shrugged out of his jacket, mumbling something to Carlisle, and then his eyes landed on me. I hadn't been able to read his expression at first, but now his face lit up and he instantly walked over to me.

"You're still here," he murmured, slumping down next to me on the couch. "I knew you'd be here, but I was afraid I'd missed you." He reached out to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I smiled.

"I told my dad I wouldn't be home too late, since it's a school night and all, but I didn't want to leave without seeing you," I explained, snuggling up against him. He nodded in understanding.

Alice reached for the remote and turned the TV off, announcing she was going up to her room. I felt bad and protested, insisting she didn't have to leave, but she just gave me a smug look and left.

Carlisle had just removed his coat and turned to look at me. "Hello, Bella. It's good to see you." He looked at Edward, raising a brow questioningly. I frowned when Edward gave him a quick nod in response, wondering what was going on.

It didn't take long for me to find out, as Carlisle turned back to me. "I'll leave you two alone, but Bella, if you don't mind stopping by my room before you go, I would like to have a word with you. Is that okay with you?" He must have seen my confusion, because he hurried to add, "Nothing's wrong, I would just like to hear your opinion on something. It won't take long."

I cast a brief look at Edward, who just watched me silently, not looking too concerned, and I relaxed. "Yeah, of course." Carlisle gave me a grateful smile, and true to his words left us and slipped into his office. As soon as he was out of sight, I turned to Edward. "Do you know what this is about?"

He shrugged, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable. "I told him you wanted to come to therapy with me. He said he wanted to talk to you about it."

"Oh." I bit my lip. "Did he say anything else? I mean, did he seem to think it's a good idea, or...?"

"I don't know." He looked down at his hands. "Look, Bella, I told you I'm going to see this new shrink on Wednesday after school. Carlisle said it won't be a real session the first time, it'll mostly just be introductions and shit, and he and Esme will be there as well. But..." He glanced at me. "I'd feel better if you'd come too. But only if you want to. You'd probably have to wait outside, but-"

I cut him off, grabbing his hand and squeezing it softly. "I'll be there. Of course I will." A part of me knew I should probably discuss this with Carlisle before making any promises like that, but I silently prayed he would understand. If Edward really wanted me to be there, then how could I refuse? Surely Carlisle would want Edward to be as comfortable as possible.

Seeing the relief on Edward's face now made me realize how anxious he really was about all of this. Sure, going back to therapy had been his idea, but it was painfully obvious that he was also afraid. And I wanted to do whatever I could to make it easier for him.

"It's gonna be okay," I told him softly. "You can do this, Edward. I'll be there for you, and so will your family. You won't have to do this alone." Something just occurred to me. "Hey, speaking of your family, have you decided yet what to do about Alice?"

Edward was quiet for a moment, and I waited patiently. Finally he looked at me. "I'll talk to her."

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly, almost afraid to get my hopes up.

He nodded. "I guess it's about time. I'm fucking tired of keeping all this a secret. At first I felt like my life was over when Emmett found out, but..." He hesitated. "I can't believe I'm fucking saying this, but maybe it's better this way."

I couldn't agree more, and I was so incredibly proud of him for coming to that conclusion. While I realized how hard it would be for him, I was also convinced that Alice would support him completely. And as soon as Edward saw that, I was certain he would be able to move yet another step towards healing. He needed to see that people wouldn't judge him.

We remained on the couch for a while, just snuggling and talking quietly. Edward asked me about the afternoon with Alice, which made it natural for me to ask him about the dinner with Carlisle and Emmett without making myself come out as too curious or overprotective. To my relief, things seemed to have gone pretty smoothly, although I noticed he seemed somewhat reluctant to go into further details.

That was okay, though, I didn't mind. He didn't seem upset, and besides, he shouldn't have to tell me everything. Some things were to be kept between Edward and his family - I could respect that. Anyway, it wasn't like I couldn't tell when something was really bothering him.

"I should probably go see Carlisle," I finally said, regretfully. What I really wanted was to just stay right there on the spot with Edward for as long as I possibly could, but I knew my dad would expect me to be home soon. Edward didn't look too pleased, but nodded in acceptance.

I started to get up, but he grabbed my arm to stop me, pulling me back down, and I lost my balance and ended up practically in his lap. I gasped in surprise, and felt how he froze for a brief moment, but he didn't let go of me. Instead he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close, burying his face in my hair. Once I had recovered from the shock, I couldn't help but grin. "Edward, what are you doing?"

"Wanted a hug," he told me matter-of-factly, nuzzling my neck, and I instantly melted. He was so comfortable around me these days, so completely different from back when we first met and he would flinch back and pull away whenever I got too close. I had feared that the incident yesterday morning would cause some kind of set-back, but thankfully, that didn't seem to be the case.

We had never really talked about what happened, and I felt like maybe we should, but I had decided it would just have to wait. Edward hadn't brought it up, and I figured he had enough to deal with right now as it was. No point in adding to his distress - besides, he seemed relatively calm and relaxed at the moment, and who knew how long that would last?

Yes, a part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"You know, if you wanted a hug, you could've just asked," I told him now, a playful note in my voice.

He pulled back a little so he could look at me, and gave me a crooked smile that would have made my knees buckle had I been standing up. "I thought I didn't have to anymore."

If I was melting before, I was now reduced to a pile of goo on the floor. I opened my mouth to respond, but all that came out was a silly giggle, sounding absolutely nothing like me. Edward raised a brow, his face a mixture of amusement and confusion, and I felt my cheeks flush. Clearly, my brain was no longer working. I shook my head to clear it.

"You don't," I managed to get out. For a moment, we just looked at each other. Then, as in slow motion, I watched how Edward's face came closer, until our lips finally met.


	66. Chapter 66

**A/N:****Thank you so much for your reviews, love you all! :)**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Hesitating for a brief moment, I then knocked softly on the door to Carlisle's office. I could hear a muffled "come in," and carefully pushed the door open. Carlisle was sitting behind his desk, appearing to be reading a book, although he put it down and smiled at me when I entered the room. "Bella. I'm glad you're here. Please, sit down."

I obeyed, walking over to the couch. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes." He stood up and stepped around the desk, crossed the room and sat down in one of the arm chairs. Obviously seeing the apprehensive look on my face, he went on in a soft voice, "I apologize, Bella, I can see you're worried, but I assure you, it was never my intention to make you feel that way."

When I managed a weak smile, he continued, "I'll get right to the point. I understand Edward has talked to you about his wish to go back to therapy?" I just nodded, waiting to see where he was going with this. "This is a huge step for him. I'm very proud of him, and I'm sure you feel the same way."

I nodded again. "I do."

"I have to admit," Carlisle went on, "that I'm also concerned." He waited until he was certain he had my full attention before he spoke up again, "Edward is finally ready to face his past, and I fear he has yet to realize just how painful it will be. What you've seen so far, what he's shared with you - the flash backs, the nightmares, the panic attacks - I'm afraid that's nothing compared to what's about to come."

My eyes widened, but I remained silent, waiting for him to go on. He sighed. "He's been living in denial for so long, and now, for the first time, he's actually allowing himself to feel. Don't get me wrong - after everything he's been through, I'd say that's nothing short of a miracle. But I want you to be prepared for the fact that things might get worse before it gets better."

"Worse?" I swallowed hard. "But Edward's been doing so well lately. It was his idea to start therapy again. He wants to get better, he said so himself."

Carlisle gave me a sad smile. "Yes, and I believe him. Which is also the reason for my concern. He's determined to do this, so he will have no choice but to push himself over the limit. Edward's got all this suppressed anger, guilt, fear and pain inside, that has been building up for years. And now, it's all bound to come out. In a way, it'll be like opening Pandora's box."

I nodded slowly, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "What can I do to help?"

He just looked at me for a moment, and I watched how his Adam's apple bobbed slightly. "The question is, how far are you willing to go? I'm not trying to scare you, Bella, I just want you to understand that the next couple of weeks - maybe even months - are going to be intense, to say the very least."

"I realize that." My voice was barely more than a whisper. "I'll be there for him every step of the way, no matter what."

He nodded in understanding. "I was hoping you'd say that." A pause. "Bella, I'm going to come right out and say this. I've been a fool."

When I just blinked in surprise, he went on explaining, "I've witnessed with my own eyes what a huge progress Edward has made since he met you. You were able to get through to him when no one else could, including myself. And I believe, somewhere along the way, I started to feel resentment."

I just stared at him, not sure how to respond. Clearly sensing my uneasiness, he hurried to clarify, "Not towards you, Bella. Towards myself. I started to see that, somehow, you were able to succeed where I - where all of us, for that matter - had failed. Seeing the two of you interact with each other, the way he was responding to you..." He shook his head. "It was a wake-up call, in the most brutal of ways."

I opened my mouth - although I had no idea what I was going to say - but he wasn't finished. "I told Edward I worried about him becoming too dependent on you. You are both very young, which I admit was one of the main reasons for my concern. Very few people find their soul mate in high school, and the thought of him getting his heart broken..." He swallowed. "It would just be too much."

Tears started welling up in my eyes at his words. "You think I would actually break Edward's heart? That I would leave him?"

Carlisle let out a shuddering breath. "It's nothing against you, Bella. I can't stand the idea of any of my children getting their heart broken, but it would be so much worse for Edward." A beat. "However, I realize I'm not being fair to you. You have been nothing but wonderful to Edward, helped him so much. And I need to stop with the 'what if's', and start looking at the main picture. Because he needs you."

"I need him, too," I whispered, brushing away a tear.

"I can see that." He hesitated. "Bella, Edward told me you wanted to join him at his therapy sessions. Do you realize-"

"I don't mean all the time." Realizing I had cut him off in the middle of the sentence, I blushed. "I'm sorry. Can I just explain?"

He nodded, giving me an encouraging smile. "Of course."

"Well..." I took a deep breath. "You said these sessions are going to be really hard for Edward. I understand that, and I want to be there for him. But at the same time, it would feel good for _me_ to talk to someone professional about all of this as well. I can never fully understand the concept of what he's been through, but I think having someone else to talk to might help."

"Yes, I believe you have made a very valid point." Carlisle got a thoughtful look on his face. "If you'd like, I will speak with Dr. Weber, and see if I can make you an appointment."

I bit my lip, then nodded. "Okay." Then I hesitated a little before I went on, "Um, Edward asked me to come with him on Wednesday."

He watched me closely for a moment. "Yes, he mentioned this to me as well. How do you feel about that?"

"I told him I'd do it," I answered sincerely, looking down at my hands. "I'm sorry if you don't approve, but he really wants me to be there, and I just couldn't-"

"Bella," Carlisle interrupted me softly, "I won't keep you from coming, if that's what you both want. There will be a waiting room outside, where you can stay while Edward, Esme and I will see Dr. Weber." He paused. "I hope you understand that I'm not trying to leave you out, it's just that this first meeting will be for family members only."

"Sure, I understand." I felt relief welling up inside me - he wouldn't force me to stay at home and break my promise to Edward. Truth be told, I hadn't actually expected to take part in his first session, even Edward had hinted as much. I saw no problem in waiting outside, as long as I got to be there for him when he came back out.

For a minute or so, we sat there in silence. When I finally spoke up again, I noticed that my voice was trembling. "This is still good, right? I mean, Edward is doing the right thing here. I know it's going to be difficult, but..." I shrugged, helplessly.

Carlisle nodded in agreement. "Yes, it's the right thing, and yes, it's going to be very difficult."

I glanced at him. "Well, at least he won't have to go through this alone."

To my surprise, a humorless chuckle escaped him. I gave him a questioning look. He was quiet for a few seconds, and then looked me right in the eyes. "You are wise beyond your years, Bella, and you never cease to amaze me." Seeing my confusion, he went on explaining, "I was reluctant at first when Edward told me he wanted you to accompany him - I felt that this was something he needed to do by himself."

"But why?" The words were out before I even realized it, and I felt my cheeks turn red. It was an honest question, but I feared that I might have offended him.

"My point exactly," was his response, and I knew then that I didn't have to worry about him taking offense to my bluntness. "I can see now that's the exact opposite of what Edward needs. I only wish I had realized it sooner. Maybe then..." He closed his eyes for a moment, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't burden you with this. Just believe me when I say I've gotten a lot to think about."

I wasn't quite sure I understood what he meant, but decided to let it go. It was getting late, not to mention that it would probably be a good idea to go home right away and give my dad a heads up about me going to Port Angeles with Edward in a few days.

The question was, just how much should I tell him?

**OoO******

**EPOV**

When I told Bella I was going to talk to Alice, my intention had never been to do so right away. Possibly soon, maybe even within the next couple of days or so, but as I made my way up the stairs, I had not planned to stop outside her bedroom, let alone raise my fist to actually knock on the door.

And yet, that was exactly what I found myself doing.

I had to admit, a part of me was hoping to hear Alice call out that she was busy and to come back later - which I probably wouldn't do - but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. And I was right.

"It's open!" I instantly heard from the other side of the closed door. I sighed and took a deep breath, somewhat reluctantly pushing the door open and peeking inside.

Alice was half lying on the bed with her nose buried in some magazine, but now she looked up, her eyes widening slightly when she saw it was me. "Edward?" She sounded surprised, although she offered me a hesitant smile. "Hey. What's up?"

"Nothing." I cleared my throat, mentally rolling my eyes at myself. "I mean, I, uh, kinda wanted to talk to you about something, but if you're busy..." I left the rest of the sentence hanging, wishing she would say yes, but knowing she wouldn't.

"No, of course not. Come on in." She tossed the magazine to the side and sat up. I obeyed, slowly stepping into the room. As much as I wanted to just turn around, my feet relentlessly carried me forward. Alice must have sensed my distress, because her expression switched from puzzled to alarmed. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes. No. Fuck!" I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. "Look, Alice, when I said I wanted to talk to you, I meant I need to tell you something. And..." My heart was already beating faster than normal, and I hadn't even started yet. I closed my eyes for a moment, willing myself to relax. "Could you please just do me a favor?"

She nodded immediately, looking at me with large eyes. "Sure. What is it?"

"Just..." I couldn't bring myself to look at her, so I lowered my eyes to the floor as I continued, "...don't say anything until I'm finished. I don't know how to do this, and..." I shrugged helplessly, not knowing how to explain. In all honesty, I wasn't sure I could actually do this without having a fucking panic attack, which without doubt would cause Alice to freak out.

This was a mistake. What the fuck had I been thinking, coming here without first going through what I was going to say in my head, to mentally prepare myself?

Alice started to look confused, but nodded in acceptance. "I can do that. But..." She hesitated a little. "Can I just ask what this is all about?" I opened my mouth, but she cut me off, "Sorry, um, don't you wanna sit down?"

I shook my head, remaining where I was. For obvious reasons, I felt more comfortable standing, preferably next to the door so I would have a clear escape route, should I need one. "It's about me," I mumbled then, in response to her first question. "I wanted to explain some things to you. About... my past."

Her mouth fell open, but no words came out. Instead she just stared at me, as if trying to figure out whether or not I was serious. Then she swallowed, visibly, and finally whispered, "Are you sure?"

_No, I'm not sure. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Why can't Bella be here right now? Oh, right, because I told her I needed to do this by myself. Fuck!_

I ignored her question. "If you don't want to hear it, just..." The look she gave me made me stop, and I figured we both knew I was just stalling. She wanted to hear this, and I was going to tell her. But where to even begin? I shook my head in a weak attempt to clear my thoughts.

As I finally spoke up again, I could only hope she would stay true to her words and not interrupt. "You know I used to live in Chicago before I came here. With my mother, and..." I felt a tight pressure over my chest, and struggled to keep my breathing under control. "...and her husband."

Alice just nodded, an unreadable look on her face. I forced myself to continue. "He was... hurting me." She blinked and I could see her chin starting to quiver, but she remained silent and waited for me to go on. I didn't want to, but there was no turning back now. I inhaled, shakily. "He would hit me whenever I did something bad..."

_It's not true, Edward. He had no right to hurt you, no matter what you might have done. You're not bad. Not bad, not bad..._

"...whenever he fucking felt like it," I corrected myself, anger and bitterness welling up inside me, and I started pacing the room. Then I stopped, facing away from Alice. "But that wasn't the worst part. He... did more than that."

I could hear Alice's sharp intake of air, but I refused to turn around. Horror or pity, disgust or sympathy, whatever emotions her face would reveal in that moment, I didn't want to see it. Because I knew that if I looked at her right now, even for a mere second, I would fall apart. And there was no Bella here to help put me back together.

"He would come into my room at night," I went on, not stopping when my voice cracked, "...and he would... do things... to me." I let out a shuddering breath. "And she would let him."

There was a faint sob coming from behind me, and I realized Alice had started crying, but I still couldn't bring myself to acknowledge her. So I remained with my back against her, my eyes locked on a small stain on the wall. That was when I heard a familiar voice that chilled me to the bone, even though I knew on some level that it was just in my head.

_"On you knees and face the wall," James ordered coldly, and I could feel him breathing against my neck. I could tell he was angry, but at the same time, he seemed secretly pleased, although I couldn't figure out why.___

_He kept saying I was the one forcing him to do this, that I gave him no choice, but I never understood what he meant by that. I didn't 'screw up', as he would put it, on purpose. I wanted to be good, so he wouldn't have to punish me, but no matter how hard I tried, it was just never enough.___

_Not daring to disobey, I did as I was told, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to shut the rest of the world out as I felt him approaching me. Then I started chanting in my head, like I had done so many times before, 'it'll be over soon, it'll be over soon, it'll be over soon...'___

_But it was a lie. It would never be over, at least not as long as I kept waking up every morning. The pain would never really stop._

I heard a noise behind me and spun around in panic, only to find that Alice had gotten up from the bed at some point, and was now standing only a few feet away, her bottom lip trembling as she watched me, quietly. My entire body was shaking, and I wrapped my arms around myself, staring down at my feet.

But as the seconds ticked by, I started to find the silence unbearable, so I opened my mouth to say something - anything - but the words got stuck in my throat. So I raised my head and looked at her, trying to fight back the nausea threatening to well up inside me. I was falling, and there was no one who would catch me.

"Edward..." she whispered then, and I tilted my head to the side, my eyes narrowing as I tried to read her expression. She could clearly tell I was done talking, because she went on, softly, "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" I demanded, finally snapping out of it enough to find my voice. I wasn't sure I actually wanted to hear this, but I couldn't help myself - I had to ask. "Why are you sorry?"

I didn't know what I had been expecting, but her next words came as a total shock. "I'm so sorry, because I was right."


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N**: **If you have any tissues left from last chapter, you might wanna hold on to them. Just saying. Oh, and I thought I'd mention this. Many of you have told me you would like to read things from Carlisle's pov, as well as the rest of the Cullens. I plan to post a series of outtakes when the story is complete. Carlisle will most likely be the first one, possibly followed by Emmett. Hope you guys are happy with this decision. Now, enjoy the chapter, and thank you so much for your reviews and continued support. More at the bottom.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

_"I'm so sorry, because I was right."_

She was right? She was fucking right?

Right about what?

When I just stared at her blankly, Alice started to look nervous and cleared her throat. "I mean, I couldn't know for certain, but I always had my suspicions. Of course, I hoped I was wrong, but..." she shrugged and lowered her eyes, "...the signs were all there, you know?"

There were fucking signs? I just looked at her, feeling like my head was spinning. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally managed to croak, "What signs?"

Alice shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. "Well, how you couldn't stand anyone touching you, for one thing. I figured someone must've... touched you... in some way..." She swallowed, clearly unable to finish the sentence.

I just shook my head, not knowing how to respond to this. As much as I was stunned by Alice's revelation, I realized I wasn't all that surprised. Deep down, a part of me had always felt like Alice could see right through me - I just chose not to think about it, mostly because it seemed easier to live in denial.

Now I felt a shiver run down my spine, but tried to force myself to remain in the present. "If you suspected..." I took a deep breath. "Why did you never...?"

"What? Mention anything? Ask you if it was true?" Alice gave me a look of disbelief. "Think about it, Edward. You could barely stand to talk to me as it was. How would you react if I had come out and asked you if... if you..."

She shook her head. "I didn't want to upset you, that's why. I hoped some day you'd be ready to..." Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened. "Wait a minute, _should_ I have said something? Would that have been better?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. If Alice had ever asked me straight out if James had... done all those things to me, I would've freaked out. We both knew it.

All these years, I had been absolutely positive people would look at me with disgust, should they ever find out the truth. Of course, Carlisle and Esme had never shown any signs of being disgusted, or judging me, but surely the rest of the world couldn't be so fucking understanding.

So, naturally, when Bella entered my life and managed to break through my defenses, nestling her way into my battered heart, I was convinced she was the exception, one in a million, who was able to see past what was obviously wrong with me and actually find something good and decent inside me after all, something I never even knew was there.

But when Emmett accidentally found out what happened to me, his exact words had been "you have nothing to be ashamed of." Emmett, who I had assumed would be the first person, given the opportunity, to remind me of how screwed up and worthless I really was, that I deserved whatever I got, if not worse.

And now it turned out that Alice had suspected the truth all along, and yet she had always treated me like a person, like I mattered. Like she cared. She would make an effort to connect with me, act like I belonged in the family, and I had only ever given her shit in return.

Suddenly I just wanted to fucking cry. Yell, curse and break things. Run as far away as possible. Stay and beg for forgiveness. Bella. I wanted Bella. But she wasn't here. Alice was here, though. And she was looking at me now with fear in her eyes, like she had actually done something wrong. Like she ever had. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing back a sob.

Fuck my life. Fuck everything.

"I'm sorry if I handled things badly," Alice mumbled in a small voice, turning her face away and quickly sweeping her hand over her cheek to brush away a tear. "I just... I always wanted to be there for you, but I didn't really know how."

"Why?" I choked out. "I've always been an ass to you." My eyes were burning and my throat felt too tight. I wanted to just curl up in a corner and make it all go away, yell at Alice to leave me the fuck alone so she would get pissed at me, like I deserved. But this was her room, not mine, so I had no right to tell her to go anywhere. I was the one who should go, but my feet were frozen at the spot.

"You weren't always an ass, and I have never blamed you for anything you did, or said to me." Alice let out a shuddering breath. "I knew you weren't really angry at me, you just didn't trust me." A beat. "I want you to trust me, Edward. Please, just tell me what to do."

"I do trust you," I whispered hoarsely, and it wasn't until the words had already left my mouth that I realized it was the truth.

"You do?" The hopeful look on her face made my heart ache. She shouldn't care, and yet, somehow, she did. I could only nod in response. Her eyes never left mine as she took a hesitant step closer. "Do you trust me not to hurt you if I touch you?" she then asked, softly.

I gulped, thinking quickly. Bella could touch me, and had been able to for quite some time. I was now okay with physical contact from Carlisle and Esme as well. My brain had finally registered that neither of them would hurt me, and that there was nothing painful about their touch.

Seeing how I had just admitted to Alice that I trusted her, I would be a fucking hypocrite if I told her no. So I swallowed hard, and nodded.

Slowly, slowly, she raised her hand, her eyes still locked on mine. I braced myself for the contact, not wanting to upset her by involuntarily flinching. But to my surprise, her hand stopped mid-air. She just looked at me, as if waiting for something. It took a moment before understanding dawned on me.

She had obviously made the first move - the ball was now in my court. I just had to reach out. It wasn't until she spoke again that I realized I had been hesitating. "You don't have to..." she started, rejection evident in her voice. But she stopped when I lifted my own hand - the one not still wrapped in bandage - and she watched me with large eyes.

I don't know what I had been expecting, but nothing happened when our fingers met, no panic, no flash backs - nothing. Alice gave my hand a soft squeeze, and I was perfectly okay, just like when Esme had hugged me, and Carlisle had patted my shoulder, and Bella...

Well, it wasn't exactly like when Bella touched me. Bella's touch was different, left me longing for more. Whenever Bella would touch me, I wanted to beg her never to stop, never to let go. But still, Alice didn't make me feel trapped, or uncomfortable. If anything, her touch was comforting. I knew deep down that I should be relieved. But I wasn't.

Instead I felt cheated. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

All this time, I had desperately avoided any kind of physical contact, shied away in terror whenever anyone would come too close. The mere thought of someone's - anyone's - hands on me made me feel nauseous, and I would panic, the lack of control scaring me half to death.

But people were touching me now, and I was fine. It made me question everything I thought I knew. Would I have been fine all along, if I hadn't allowed my fear to control me? If I hadn't been so fucking weak? It suddenly occurred to me that while James hadn't been able to punish me for a long time, I seemed to have done a pretty good job of punishing myself.

Well, fuck that! I was in control now. Or so I thought.

"Edward?" I didn't realize I had started sobbing until I felt Alice carefully rubbing my arm. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you sad?"

I wasn't sad - I was fucking pissed off. Pissed off at myself, at my fucked up life. Pissed off at James for fucking up my life in the first place. And most of all, I was pissed off at my mother, for letting him. I never asked for this. I never asked to become an emotionally retarded freak.

Yet I was, and it pissed me the fuck off. As much as I wanted - needed - to punch something, I couldn't bring myself to move an inch. Instead I just stood there, in the middle of Alice's room, my fists clenching and un-clenching at my sides as I was unable to stop the choked sobs from escaping my throat.

I didn't look at Alice, but I could tell by the way she had started fidgeting next to me that she was nervous, alarmed, by my unpredictable behavior. Poor Alice, she didn't deserve to have me freaking out on her like this. I tried to move past her, but she stubbornly stepped in my way, preventing me from fleeing the scene.

"Edward, talk to me, please. You just said you trusted me." There was a pleading note in her voice. But even though I wanted to explain, make her understand, I couldn't find the words.

I couldn't fucking breathe.

After that, things were pretty much a blur. I was vaguely aware of Alice yelling something, Carlisle storming into the room a moment later, and the sound of frantic voices, coming from all around me. But I didn't acknowledge any of them. My lungs were burning, making my chest hurt, and I couldn't get the fucking pain to stop.

_Just fucking deal with it! You've been bad - this is nothing more than you deserve.___

_No, you were never bad. He just enjoyed breaking you, and he succeeded. If he could, he'd be laughing at you right now, taking pleasure in how fucking pathetic you are. How does that feel?___

_Shut up! Shut the fuck up!___

_Can't handle the truth, can you? Can you?___

_No, I can't! Just fucking stop it!___

_Please, just stop it..._

"Stop it," I mumbled as I became aware of a slight pressure on my shoulders. My throat felt like sandpaper, and I blinked, disoriented. Slowly raising my head to take in my surroundings, I realized I was sitting on the floor, my fingers buried in my hair.

Carlisle was crouching next to me, his hands still on my shoulders. "Just keep breathing, son, in and out. You're okay," he told me quietly. I tried to nod, but the small movement caused my entire body to shudder. That was when I heard Alice, and remembered exactly where I was.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, whatever I did, I didn't mean it," she babbled frenetically, and when I turned my head to look at her, I noticed tears were streaming down her cheeks.

If it was possible to hate myself even more, I did.

"Alice," I croaked, cringing at my raspy voice. "Don't. Just fucking don't. You didn't do anything." She watched me skeptically for a moment, and then slowly made her way across the room, dropping to her knees next to me. I reached out without even thinking, grabbing hold of her hand. "I'm sorry."

She sniffled a couple of times, then managed a weak smile. "It's okay," she whispered, tearfully. "As long as you're all right."

I wasn't all right though, not by a fucking long shot, but I didn't have the heart to tell her. So I just nodded.

Carlisle cleared his throat, his eyes darting between Alice and me. "May I ask what happened to set this off?" His voice was gentle, calming. I took a couple of slow, steady breaths.

"I just..." I hesitated, not sure how to explain. But I felt like I should. "I told Alice... about what _he_ did to me." There were times when I could actually bring myself to say his name out loud, however, this was not one of them. "And I..." I swallowed. "I realized something."

Watching me in silence for a moment, Carlisle then asked, softly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk. He wouldn't understand. How could he, when I didn't even understand, myself? Carlisle, Esme and Bella, they had all told me at some point that James was gone now, that he couldn't hurt me anymore. That he could no longer control me, and that I shouldn't let him keep destroying my life. Maybe they were right.

It slowly became clear to me that the bastard had simply left it up to me to finish the job.

"I want Bella," I choked out, realizing I sounded like a terrified kid who had just woken up from a nightmare. In a way, it was true. My past was my nightmare, and in a way, I was still living it.

"Bella left, son, about ten minutes ago." Carlisle sounded regretful.

"I'll call her," Alice offered instantly, dropping my hand and jumping up from the floor. She seemed eager to please me, and I really wished she wouldn't. It was like even the smallest kindness she showed me now cut me like a fucking dagger in the heart. It was me who should be making it up to her, not the other way around. She shouldn't be so fucking nice and forgiving.

So I shook my head, begging her with my eyes to understand. "No. Don't." She looked a little confused, but nodded in acceptance and sank back down on the floor. I grabbed her arm - not too hard, she could easily pull away if she wanted to - and I watched how something in her expression changed. I knew then that she wouldn't go anywhere until I asked her to.

"Alice, I'm sorry," I mumbled weakly. I wanted to say so much more, but the words wouldn't come. Maybe because there weren't any. She had never given up on me - I was the one who had given up on myself.

"You already said that," she reminded me, and I could tell she was trying to keep her tone light. She failed, though, seeing how her voice trembled. In that moment, I just wanted to hug her.

So I did.

I wrapped my arms around her before I could lose my courage. At first she just sat there, completely still, but then she seemed to snap out of the shock, and I felt her arms carefully slip around me. Then she started rubbing my back. "It's okay," she whispered. "Everything's gonna be okay."

God, how I wanted to believe her.

I knew Carlisle was still in the room, but he didn't say anything, although I could feel his eyes on me as he watched me and Alice in silence. I glanced at him, and I could see a wave of emotions swimming in his eyes. Pain, sadness, hope. Relief. Pride?

"Why don't you hate me?" I managed to get out as I turned my attention back to Alice. I could hear her inhale, shakily.

"Why would I hate you?" she threw back at me, her voice thick with emotion. "How _could_ I hate you? My God, Edward..." Her voice broke.

I squeezed her tighter as she kept sniffling, and found myself wondering how I ended up being the one to comfort her. It felt kind of good, though, to be able to do something for her after all. Plus, putting my focus on Alice made the voices in my head shut up, at least for the moment.

"Edward, no one could possibly hate you," Carlisle now stated, quietly. "There will always be ups and downs in life, for all of us. We will get through this as a family, because that's what we are. We support each other." A pause. "And I believe you're finally starting to see that."

"Families hurt each other," I muttered to myself, not intending for him to hear me. But he did.

"Not this family." His voice was firm, steady. And I knew he was right. I didn't respond, though. However, I got the feeling he took my silence for acceptance. Because he gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze as he went on, "It's time to move on, son. We're all here for you."

This time, I managed a brief nod. I still wanted Bella, though. She always understood me the way no one else did, including myself. Maybe I still wasn't whole when she was around, but at least I felt a little less broken. Less like myself, and more like... someone else. Someone that wasn't me, but that I hoped I might become one day. I wanted to be that person. For her.

And for myself.

I wanted a fucking life. He took it away from me. And I hated him for it. I fucking hated him. Both of them.

And I hated myself. But I didn't want to anymore. I was so fucking tired of feeling that way.

Still, bitterness, anger and self-loathing raged inside me, threatening to tear me apart. I didn't know what to do with those feelings, what to do with myself. I suspected Alice sensed the change in my posture, but she didn't pull back, didn't let go of me. And I held on to her, because in that moment, she was the only thing keeping me anchored.

I wanted Bella. I needed her. But she wasn't here. Alice was here, though. Alice and Carlisle. They were my family, and they wanted to help me. Deep down, I feared I was beyond help, but I wanted to let them try, anyway. I didn't want to keep disappointing them, keep letting them down.

So I kept hugging Alice, wordlessly accepting her comfort, and trying to offer her some in return. It took a while, but finally, my inner turmoil seemed to settle down. And I felt almost at peace.

**OoO**

**End Notes****: I know there haven't been much B/E interaction the last couple of chapters, and I'm sure some of you are disappointed. But believe me when I say this is necessary for the progress of the story, which I hope you understand. That said, I just want to point out that this is the way I had planned things from the beginning - Alice being pushed aside, again and again but never giving up, and in the end being the one person to who Edward voluntarily tells his story, to be the first person (beside Bella, of course) he is able to hug.**


	68. Chapter 68

**A/N****: ****Again, thank you all for your reviews! Oh, and Loner was runner-up for Best fanfiction of the year so far (round 2) at Twilight All Human Fanfiction Awards. To all of you who voted, thank you so, so much! I can't tell you how much it means to me.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

I knew Edward was anxious about going back to therapy, and the closer we got, the more edgy he became. I also knew better by now than to take his mood swings and temper tantrums personal, so whenever he would snap at me for no apparent reason, it was safe to say he got more upset by the whole thing than me.

As much as I tried to convince him that I understood, that I realized he wasn't deliberately trying to hurt me, it pained me to see him like that. I knew he was scared, but I was so proud of him for not backing out. Carlisle had warned me of set-backs once Edward started facing his past, and I figured I'd better brace myself.

With only a couple of hours left until Carlisle and Esme would pick us up after school so we could all go to Port Angeles, I noticed how he started shutting off more and more. Yesterday we'd been having lunch with Alice and Jasper - even Emmett had made a brief appearance - but today, Edward and I were sitting at our picnic table by ourselves.

We were eating mostly in silence, seeing how Edward barely responded when I spoke to him, and I had given up trying to start a conversation. It wasn't that he was being rude to me, nor did he attempt to push me away. He was just distant. Miles away.

Still, he seemed to be taking comfort from my presence, because he didn't leave my side unless he had to - whenever we had to split up for class - and he stayed as close to me as he could possibly get. I didn't mind, it was just painful to see him suffer and not being able to help him. Then again, maybe I did, just by being there.

"Hey?" I held up my half empty can of soda in a silent offer when he finally looked up. He just shook his head. I sighed. "We should probably head to class."

He shrugged. "Don't really feel like going. Think I'll just skip it."

I bit my lip, hesitating for a moment. "All right. Then I'll skip, too."

"You shouldn't risk getting in trouble because of me." He picked up what was left of his sandwich, then grimaced and dropped it again. "I'm not very good company at the moment, Bella. You should just go. I'll meet you after class."

I shook my head, rolling my eyes. "Edward, just come to Bio with me. It'll be better than sitting out here all alone, moping. Believe me."

"I'm not fucking moping," he grumbled. When I didn't respond, just looked at him in silence, he sighed and glanced at me. "I don't see why you'd even want to be around me right now. Look, Bella, I'm sorry. I'm just-"

"...nervous about meeting Dr. Weber this afternoon," I finished softly, taking his hand. "I understand." He shook his head in objection and opened his mouth, but I cut him off, "Edward, it's okay. You don't have to hide how you feel from me."

"I'm not." His eyes darkened and he looked away. "I was gonna say I'm not nervous, I'm fucking terrified."

I gave his hand a squeeze, wishing he would just look at me. "Tell me what to do, baby," I whispered after a moment's silence. "How can I make this easier for you?" He just shrugged, and I was at a loss.

Charlie had taken the whole thing pretty well. Of course, I had taken the easy way out and simply told him I was having dinner in Port Angeles with Edward and his parents. My dad had always liked Esme and Carlisle. Although I felt a bit bad for not being completely honest, I told myself it was for the best.

Besides, it wasn't like Edward and I were sneaking around, doing something inappropriate. I nearly snorted at the thought. Charlie really didn't have anything to worry about.

I wasn't stupid, though. If I was going to keep following Edward to his therapy sessions - and even more so, if I would start seeing the therapist on my own - I would have to come clean with Charlie. However, I decided not to waste any energy worrying about that now - I would just have to cross that bridge when I got there.

Now I turned my attention back to Edward, searching my mind for something to say that would calm him. I almost reminded him that this first meeting wasn't really a session, but then I thought better of it. So what if it wasn't? It didn't change anything. Sooner or later, he would have to deal with the heavy stuff. And it was bound to be painful.

"What if I can't do this?" he suddenly asked in a small voice, his eyes on the table in front of him. I could see the fear and self-doubt, coming off him in waves, and felt a stab of pain in my heart.

"You're already doing it, baby. Don't you see?" I reached out for him, my fingers finding their way to his hair, and I watched him close his eyes and let out a shuddering breath. We were all alone out there by the picnic tables, but even if the entire school had been gathered around us, it wouldn't have stopped me.

"No matter what happens now, you made the choice to take matter in your own hands and move on," I went on as I kept stroking his hair, enjoying the way he would instinctively lean into my touch. "You've already come so far, and I couldn't be more proud of you. We're in this together, Edward. It'll be okay."

He didn't respond at first, and I didn't push him. Instead I just waited patiently, giving him a moment to let my words sink in. "I _want_ to do this," he finally admitted, quietly. I just nodded. He was silent for a moment, then let out a frustrated sigh. "And at the same time, I _don't_ want to. Fuck! I know that doesn't make any sense."

"No, I understand," I assured him. "I know it's scary. Just remember - I'll be there with you every step of the way." He managed a small smile, and I put my head down on his shoulder, sighing contently when his arms slipped around me. For a moment, we just sat there in silence.

Then a thought hit me. "Hey, do you think Carlisle and Esme would let us have some time for ourselves in Port Angeles before we have to go back home? After seeing Dr. Weber, I mean. Maybe we could do something, just the two of us. Get some ice-cream, or go see a movie? You know, something fun, to get our mind off things." The more I thought about it, the more I started to like the idea.

Edward shrugged, although I noticed he looked a little interested. "Maybe." A pause. "Yeah, I'd like that."

I smiled, relieved. "Me too." As the mood seemed to have lifted a bit, we gathered our belongings before getting up and heading for Biology together. Edward walked beside me without objections, and he didn't mention skipping class again. I didn't bring it up, either.

Before I knew it, the last class for the day was over, and I found Edward waiting for me outside of Gym. I couldn't keep the happy smile off my face and launched myself in his arms, inwardly melting when he instantly captured my lips with his. Kissing Edward was something I would never get tired of.

Unfortunately, our innocent make-out session didn't go unnoticed. Jessica Stanley made a gagging sound as she passed us, giving both me and Edward the evil eye, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that she was still upset with me for the thoughtless comment I had dropped the other day about her and Mike.

Seeing how she didn't seem to have accepted my apology, I decided to just let it go, and live with the fact that I had clearly made an enemy. Jessica was not the type of girl I wanted to be friends with, anyway. If she expected me to grovel, she was seriously mistaken. As far as I was concerned, she and Mike could have each other.

We left the school building hand in hand, heading for Carlisle's black Mercedes that was already waiting in the parking lot. Edward and I both slid into the backseat, quietly returning his parents' greetings, however, the moment the door closed behind us and Carlisle stepped on the gas so he could get us away from the school property, I noticed Edward shutting down again.

None of us said much during the drive, and in a way, I figured it was just as well. Edward's apprehension was painfully obvious to all of us in the car, and I knew there was nothing anyone could possibly say to make his fear go away at this point. So I just did my best to soothe him without words - gently caressing his arm, squeezing his hand, whatever I could think of to make him relax a little.

But this time, nothing I did seemed to work.

**OoO**

**EPOV**

I wasn't ready for this. In all honesty, I wasn't sure I would ever be. Bella was amazing, as always. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and she was right there next to me, just like she had promised to be. And yet, I was a fucking wreck. To say that I was scared would be a fucking understatement - I was way beyond that. I hadn't exaggerated when I told Bella I was terrified.

Deep down, I knew I shouldn't be. Not yet, anyway. Today was only going be introductions and shit. Piece of fucking cake, right?

Bullshit. I didn't want to be here. But I'd be damned if I was going to back out now. Hell, I had made it this far - I would just have to endure, somehow.

"Edward, sweetie, why don't you sit down?" Esme suggested softly, no doubt sensing my discomfort. Having arrived a bit early, we had been shown to a waiting area outside Dr. Weber's office. We were the only people waiting.

I ignored her - if I wanted to sit down, I would fucking do so. Instead I remained where I was, leaning back against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest. Bella was standing next to me, close enough that our shoulders were touching, and I didn't even want to think about how anxious I would be right now if she hadn't been there.

It didn't take long before a door opened at the far side of the room and a woman with light brown hair and glasses, looking to be in her early thirties, was standing in the doorway. A gentle smile lit up her face when she saw us. "Hello, you must be the Cullens. I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting. I'm Dr. Angela Weber, but you can just call me Angela. Please, come on in." She took a step back.

"Thank you." Carlisle returned her smile and got up, Esme in tow. He glanced at me, clearly waiting for me to follow, but my feet seemed to be frozen at the spot and I threw a panicked look at Bella.

Obviously seeing my rising distress, Bella stood up on her toes and gave me a soft peck on the lips. Then she rubbed my arm, soothingly. "It'll be okay, baby, I promise. I'll be right outside. You can do this, I know you can. I'll see you soon."

Taking a deep breath, I nodded and pushed myself away from the wall, reluctantly leaving Bella's side. Dr. Weber waited for the three of us to enter, and I eyed her warily as I stepped past her into the office. She closed the door quietly behind me before turning around to face us. "Well, this is my office. It's not much, but I think it's quite cozy. Would any of you like something to drink? Coffee? Tea?"

Carlisle and Esme both asked for a cup of coffee. I just shook my head when Dr. Weber gave me a questioning look. She just nodded in acceptance and hurried across the room, only to return a moment later with the steaming beverages. Then she gestured for us to sit. I thought of being stubborn and remain standing, but decided against it and slumped down in one of the large, comfortable looking chairs.

"I take it you're Edward." Dr. Weber gave me a soft smile when I nodded in acknowledgment. After Carlisle and Esme had introduced themselves, she turned back to me. "I was thinking we could just spend the next hour getting to know each other. I might ask you some questions, but we won't get into anything too deep today. How does that sound?"

I just shrugged in response at first, but then it hit me that I would have to talk to her sooner or later - there was no getting around that - so I might as well get it over with. "Fine, I guess."

"Great." She sounded pleased, clearly not put off by my lack of enthusiasm. "So, Edward, I read in your file that you're seventeen. That makes you a junior, right?" I nodded. "How's school? You like it?"

"It's all right." I gave her a somewhat suspicious look, but decided it was a safe enough subject.

She nodded in understanding. "And what do you do when you're not at school? Do you have any friends you like to hang out with?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, about to inform her that I didn't have any friends because I was an antisocial freak, but then I realized that wasn't entirely true. "Well, I have a girlfriend."

"Yeah? That's nice." Something in her voice told me she was being sincere, and I found myself relaxing, if ever so little. "What's her name?"

"Bella." I couldn't keep a small smile from spreading on my face at the mention of my girl. "She's waiting outside."

"Oh, so that's the girl I saw out in the waiting room." Her smile widened and she took a small sip of water from the glass in front of her. "She was very pretty. How long have the two of you been seeing each other?"

The questions didn't seem too bad, at least not yet. "Um, not that long. A couple of months."

"I see." Dr. Weber paused. She kept her tone light as she went on, "Am I correct to assume that Bella is aware of the reason why you're here today?" I glanced at Carlisle and Esme before nodding. So far, they had been sitting there in silence, letting me do the talking, but I had to admit it still felt good to have them around.

"Actually..." Carlisle cleared his throat, speaking up for the first time. "Bella has expressed interest in accompanying Edward to his session some time."

"Oh?" Dr. Weber watched him for a moment before turning back to me. "How do you feel about that, Edward?"

I was a little taken aback by the question. "Um, I don't mind." Hell, quite the opposite.

"Are you sure?" There was a hint of concern in her voice. "Sometimes, it's easier to-"

"It's easier when she's around!" I snapped, abruptly cutting her off. Then I closed my eyes, struggling to control my temper. Fuck! This would be even harder than I thought.

Dr. Weber didn't appear to be overly surprised by my outburst. "Okay. I just wanted to make sure it's what you really want. You see, some people find it harder to open up and discuss sensitive matters in front of someone they know, but as long as you're comfortable, I don't see any problem with Bella coming here every once in a while."

While I felt some of the tension leave my body, I refused to let my guard down completely. Dr. Weber seemed okay so far, but that didn't mean I was about to trust her. So I merely grunted in response to her statement, watching her cautiously.

She went on in a calm voice, "Edward, I'll be frank with you. I know you've been seeing a lot of different counselors, and that it hasn't really worked out for you. Now, you don't owe me any explanations, so I'm not going to ask why. But there is one thing I'd like to ask of you, a favor of sorts. Is that okay?"

Blinking in surprise, I then shrugged, folding my arms defensively across my chest. "You can ask," I muttered, the tone of my voice leaving no guarantee I would agree to anything.

"Thank you." If she had been offended by my obvious reluctance, she didn't let it show. "Then I want you to give me five weeks." I just looked at her blankly, not understanding what she meant. Seeing my confusion, she clarified, "It is my job to gain your trust, but I need you to give me the chance. Will you give me that long before deciding whether or not to give up on me?"

I stared at her, wondering if she was serious. When she just watched me with an expectant look on her face, I self-consciously lowered my eyes and mumbled, "And what if you decide to give up on me before then?"

Something in her expression changed, and until she spoke, I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. "I'm here for _you_, Edward, not the other way around. I'm not giving up on you, and I'm not going anywhere. That's a promise." A pause. "Now, the rest is up to you. What do you say? Five weeks?"

I could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the room, and if I listened closely, I also heard the sound of the wind blowing outside. Aside from that, there was only silence, and I knew they were all waiting for my response.

I fucking hated being the center of attention. But this time, I had brought it on myself, by coming here. It suddenly hit me that she was right - it _was_ up to me. I could say no, walk out of here and never look back. Show everyone that I had been right all along - there really was no hope for me, and they were just stupid to believe otherwise.

Or I could get a fucking grip, and make an honest attempt to prove myself wrong.

Whether or not it was possible.

I nodded. "Five weeks."


	69. Chapter 69

**EPOV**

Five weeks. I had agreed to five fucking weeks.

Okay, so it felt like a long time right now, but it would still be bearable. Right?

When I first left Dr. Weber's office, it was like something inside me had changed. I had yet to figure out if it was a good thing or not, but I did know there was really no turning back now. I couldn't go back to being the person I used to be. Of course, I wasn't naive enough to expect any miracles, but for the first time ever after leaving a therapy session, I felt something close to hope.

Unfortunately, I was unable to hold on to that feeling very long.

Dr. Weber seemed different from all those other shrinks I had been seeing, although I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. That didn't mean I trusted her, though, but it made me want to.

Over the years, I had gotten used to Carlisle and Esme sending me off to therapy once a week, and I had mostly just obeyed with a shrug and an eye-roll, not finding it worth the trouble of arguing, but knowing it was just a waste of time. That said, I rarely had the heart to rub their noses in it whenever I turned out to be right.

I had to admit I had been more than a little taken aback when Dr. Weber - instead of parting with the usual 'I'll see you in a week' - finished by insisting I'd come back only two days later. And she told me she wanted to see me alone, just the two of us.

Having obviously seen the panic on my face, she had calmly raised a hand to indicate that she wasn't finished and that I should just hear her out. "Now Edward, I want you to remember that the waiting room is just on the other side of that door. Anyone you choose to bring here will be no more than thirty feet away, and if you feel it'll be too much too soon, I won't hesitate to call them in here. But..."

I held my breath.

"...that's how I'd like for us to start our first official session," she finished in a firm, yet gentle voice. "In fact, that's the only thing I will ask of you - for you to walk into this room on Friday, by yourself. Do you think you can do that?"

I could say no. We both knew that I didn't have to play by her rules.

_True. But_ your _rules haven't really worked out so far, have they?_

"Sure," I mumbled, shrugging nonchalantly. To tell the truth, I didn't know why the thought made me feel so uneasy. It wasn't like anyone had ever been in the same room as me during my countless therapy sessions in the past. I had always gone by myself. Then again, back then, I hadn't really cared about the outcome. I would mostly just stall until my hour was up, so I could leave.

Now, I would actually have to make an effort. And it scared me shitless.

The slight hint of sympathy on Dr. Weber's face told me she wasn't fooled by my weak attempt of acting indifferent. For a moment, I felt like she could see right through me, and it made me somewhat uncomfortable. Not to mention defensive.

So I got up without another word and headed for the door, not waiting to see if Esme and Carlisle would rise and follow. As I put my hand on the door knob, Dr. Weber spoke up, and I stopped in my tracks, "I'll see you Friday, Edward. Remember, all you have to do is show up. We'll figure the rest out as we go."

I resisted the urge to glance at her over my shoulder, wondering if she was expecting some kind of response. Yes, I'd be back Friday - of that much I was certain. After all, I did promise her five weeks. But even if I hadn't, I'd still be there. I had yet to decide how I felt about Dr. Weber, but I was going to give her a chance, just like she had asked.

Bella was waiting outside, just like I knew she would be, but I was still relieved when I spotted her. She was reading some magazine, but as soon as she heard the door open, she put it down and rose from the chair. "Hey," she whispered softly, walking straight into my arms, and I happily welcomed her embrace. "Are you okay?" I could tell she was trying to hide the concern in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I responded immediately, although the way her arms tightened around me told me she wasn't totally convinced. She didn't question me, though, and for that I was grateful.

"What do you guys say we stop someplace and get something to eat before we head home?" Carlisle walked up behind us, waiting for me to turn my head in his direction before gently placing his hand on my shoulder. "There's this nice Italian restaurant not far from here. Their food is really good."

Having hardly eaten anything at lunch today, I was practically starving by now, but I still found the thought of spending some time alone with Bella to be more tempting than food. "Actually, Bella and I..." I started, then stopped, not wanting to offend him, or seem ungrateful. Truth be told, the whole giving a damn about other people's feelings was still kind of new to me.

"Edward, it's okay," One look at Bella's face told me she felt the same way. "Food sounds pretty good right now." I nodded, not sure whether to be relieved she didn't seem upset, or disappointed that she agreed with me.

Looking between me and Bella, Carlisle then threw a quick glance at Esme, and they exchanged a brief nod before he turned back to us. "Bella, what time does your father expect you to be back home?"

"Um..." She hesitated a little. "Since it's a school night, my curfew's at ten."

He nodded in understanding. "Well, then there's no rush. I'll tell you what. Why don't we meet up in an hour, and then we'll all have dinner together before we go back home. You can do whatever you want until then." Bella and I both nodded in acceptance.

"Oh, and Bella? I want you to call your dad right now and let him know we'll be staying for a while. I don't want him to worry about you." Carlisle gave Bella a firm look, although he smiled to take the edge off his words. "You two be careful now, and don't go wandering too far. Edward, you have your phone?" I reached into my pocket and held up the object in question. "Good. Don't hesitate to use it."

And we were off.

Bella and I ended up at a small coffee shop, only a few blocks away. She ordered a coffee drink of some kind, topped with a large amount of whipped cream and chocolate syrup. It looked good, but I settled for a regular cup of coffee - black.

"So..." Bella took a sip of her drink, looking at me over her huge glass. "Your first session, day after tomorrow. How do you feel about that?"

Having filled her in briefly on the way over here, I put my cup down with a frown. "I already told you-"

She cut me off, softly, "Yeah, but I want to know how you _really_ feel." A pause. "Unless you don't want to talk about it. That's okay. We don't have to."

Sighing, I picked up my cup again, mostly to keep my hands occupied. "I don't know, Bella. My mind's a fucking blur right now. Can we please just talk about something else?"

"Yes, of course." She didn't appear to be offended, but I still felt kind of bad. Bella always told me how she wanted me to be honest with her, insisting I could tell her anything. And most of the time these days, I didn't mind. Because I knew she just wanted to help, and I was slowly getting used to expressing my thoughts and talking about my feelings. In a way, talking to Bella usually made me feel better.

But there were other times when my thoughts and feelings were all just a mixed up mess in my head, impossible for me to sort out and put into words. They didn't even make sense to _me_, and I knew I wouldn't be able to explain them to Bella without lashing out at her in frustration.

This was one of those moments. So I took a large gulp of my coffee, ignoring how the hot beverage burned my tongue and throat.

Bella - obviously knowing me by now - graciously changed the subject. "Do you think Carlisle and Esme would let me spend the night at your place again some time next week? I mean, since it's spring break, and we don't have to go to school." She then blushed and lowered her eyes, almost shyly. "That is if you want me to. I didn't mean to just assume..." Her voice trailed off.

Was she serious? As if I wouldn't jump at any chance to spend time with her. I gave her an incredulous look. "Of course I do. You don't even have to ask." That was when I remembered something that really put a damper on my mood. "Wait, next week? You mean after you've been to Phoenix. When you come back."

Her smile faded and she grimaced. "Yeah."

"And when exactly will that be?" I had been too afraid to ask up until now. Bella had told me she'd be leaving early Saturday morning, and that she would be away for a couple of days. But she hadn't given me any further details, and I had done my best to cowardly avoid the subject.

She bit her lip. "Well, the plane leaves at six pm on Monday. I'll be in Seattle around ten, and then it'll be another hour until I get to Port Angeles. Charlie's picking me up at the airport. We'll probably be back in Forks some time around midnight."

So, I wouldn't get to see her until Tuesday. Three days may not be much, and I knew we would most likely be calling each other every day. Still, the thought of Bella being so far away for that long made my chest hurt. Fuck, I missed her already, and she was sitting right next to me.

I hadn't told Bella about Victoria's upcoming visit on Monday. It wasn't like I had deliberately been hiding it - it just hadn't come up. To tell the truth, I tried not thinking about it too much. But at the back of my mind, I had always pictured Bella being there, if not at the house, at least in the same fucking state. But that would clearly not be the case. The hope I had been living on until that moment died.

Even though I tried to hide my disappointment, I suspected Bella could tell something was off. She wasn't stupid. But I decided not to say anything, not wanting her to feel guilty about leaving. I knew she was already anxious about her trip as it was - she didn't need to add my problems to the mix.

Surely I could survive without Bella for three days. Hell, it wasn't like I had a fucking choice. I would just have to suck it up and deal somehow.

Before we knew it, almost an hour had passed and it was time to meet up with Carlisle and Esme for dinner. The restaurant was called _Bella Italia_, and I had been there a couple of times before over the years. It was the first time for Bella, though, and she smiled at the name.

Carlisle told us to order whatever we wanted, insisting to pay for all of us. Bella tried to object, but he wouldn't hear of it. I could tell it made her a little uncomfortable, and when she finally decided on a small Caesar salad with smoked salmon, I was pretty sure she just picked the cheapest dish on the menu.

Feeling like I hadn't eaten in days, my mouth started watering as I looked through the menu, and I ordered a Porterhouse Pork Chop. Carlisle and Esme both decided on the Chicken Marsala. While we waited for our food to arrive, Carlisle launched into a long story about something that had happened at the hospital earlier today.

Bella and I were holding hands under the table, casting discreet looks at each other and at the same time trying to act like we were paying attention. Although it felt a bit weird at first, the four of us being out having dinner together like this, I couldn't deny it was also kind of nice.

It didn't take long before a waiter showed up with our food, and I immediately started eating. I could feel Esme's eyes on me, but she made no comments about my sudden appetite. Instead she and Carlisle kept making small talk throughout the dinner, making sure to include me and Bella, but at the same time never forcing me to take part in the conversation. For that I was grateful.

It was also quite a relief that neither Carlisle, nor Esme, brought up the session with Dr. Weber while we were eating, or I would most likely have lost my appetite. Sure, it hadn't been nearly as bad as I had expected, but still, it was not something I felt like discussing at the moment. Thankfully, they seemed to understand that I didn't want to talk about it.

"So, Bella..." Carlisle finally pushed his empty plate away and took a sip of his water. "How's that truck of yours? Has it given you any more problems?"

She smiled, shook her head and put her fork down. "Nope. Running smoothly as ever." I snorted, and she mock glared at me. "Hey! I don't force you to ride in it, so zip it!" I quickly raised my hands in surrender. She was kind of sensitive about that hideous vehicle, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But at the same time, I sort of feared for her life every time she got behind the wheel of that monstrosity.

I managed to push all thoughts about the therapy to the back of my mind - until later that night, when I was all alone up in my room with nothing else to do but just think. Desperate for some kind of distraction, I turned on both the TV and my stereo, but - much to my frustration - the noise didn't help much.

For a moment, I considered calling Bella, knowing she would be able to get my mind off things. Then I decided against it, Carlisle's words about me getting too dependent on her ringing in my head. After all, we had dropped her off less than two hours ago, and the last thing I wanted was to prove him right. I still longed for some company, though, something that was definitely out of character for me.

So I left my room and went downstairs, heading for the kitchen, where I found Esme about to put white frosting on a batch of freshly baked cupcakes. She looked up when I entered the room, smiling when she saw it was me. "And here I was certain Emmett would be the first to get down here. He seems to have a sixth sense when it comes to these things."

She nodded towards the cupcakes and I had to chuckle, thinking she was probably right. "It's a new recipe," she continued as she went back to her task. "If you stick around for ten minutes, you'll get the honor of being the first one to taste them." I nodded and walked over to the table, where I slumped down on a chair and watched her work in silence.

After a couple of minutes, she was finished and took a step back, eying her work critically before humming in approval. Quickly putting the dirty dishes away and wiping off the kitchen counter, she then walked over to me and sat down. "You know, I never got to ask you what you thought of Dr. Weber. Do you want to talk about it? I'll be happy to listen."

I should have figured it was just a matter of time before she would bring it up. Hesitating a little, I then shrugged. "I don't really have an opinion."

She watched me thoughtfully for a moment, then nodded in acceptance. "That's okay. I suppose it's a bit early to say." A pause. "Did you ask Bella to go with you on Friday?"

I shook my head. As much as I had wanted to, I knew she needed to stay at home packing for her trip, not to mention that her father would most likely not approve, seeing how she was going away the next morning and be gone for days. But I had a pretty strong feeling she would offer to come anyway, should I just ask, and that's why I hadn't. I never wanted her to feel obligated to do anything for me.

Esme was quiet for a moment, then spoke up softly, "I know we're a poor substitute for Bella, but Carlisle and I will be there. You'll be fine."

"Thanks," I mumbled, swallowing hard.

"I know this is hard for you, sweetie." She carefully put her hand on my arm, searching my face for any sign of discomfort. "Just remember - we all believe in you."

"Can I have my cupcake now?" I asked in a strained voice, feeling bad for brushing her off when she was obviously trying to make me feel better, but fearing her kindness would make me start blubbering like a fucking kid. I hated how it didn't take much to set me off these days - I seemed to have lost all control of my emotions, and it made me feel both weak and pathetic.

"Sure." She gave me a sad smile - that I pretended not to see - and got up.

Sometimes, it would be easier if I could just go back to not allowing myself to feel a thing, keeping it all locked up inside like I had for all these years. It fucking hurt to feel. I remembered telling Bella once that everything fucking hurt, and that I didn't know how to make it stop.

And two days later, when I was once again standing outside Dr. Weber's office, I knew it had barely started.

OoO

**A/N:****Yes, I did some research and checked a menu from the real 'Bella Italia'. No, I didn't make her choose the mushroom ravioli, because A: that's what she gets in practically every single story, and B: as far as I'm concerned, that's just disgusting. :) As always, I'm beyond grateful for all your reviews. Thank you all so much!**


	70. Chapter 70

**A/N****:** **I would like to say that I'm not a counselor or a therapist. I have never had any personal contact with one. A few of my readers with that kind of experience have been kind enough to offer their help, but I have decided that I want to do this on my own. I hope I can make Edward's therapy sessions come out as believable. That said, thank you to all my readers - old as new - for your wonderful words of encouragement. Your support is what keeps me going, and I read and appreciate every single review.**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

The door to the office was open, and I could hear piano music playing from inside the room. I remained in the doorway, my head tilted to the side as I listened to the soft tunes and tried to decide if I found it relaxing, or just annoying. Dr. Weber was sitting behind the desk with her eyes closed, but suddenly she looked up - as if she had sensed my presence - and smiled when she spotted me.

"It's by a French composer named Claude Debussy," she explained, even though I hadn't asked. "He's supposed to be the creator of impressionism in music. But I'm pretty sure this is not the type of music you would listen to. I'll turn it off if you want."

I shrugged. "That's okay, I don't mind." In fact, whether I liked the music or not, I figured it had to be better having it in the background than complete silence. I was uncomfortable enough as it was.

"Whatever you prefer." She reached for a small remote and turned the volume down a little, but left the music on. Then she leaned back in her chair. "Why don't you close the door and sit down? Would you like something to drink? I have both Pepsi and Dr. Pepper if you don't like coffee."

"No, I'm good." I closed the door behind me, then hesitated a little before slowly making my way over to the couch. My heart was beating faster than normal and my palms were sweaty, but I tried not to let my apprehension show.

Nodding in acceptance, she then pulled out the top drawer in her desk. "I have something for you," she told me matter-of-factly, and I watched her suspiciously as she got up and walked over to me. For a moment I feared she would sit down next to me, but instead she just put the flat object on the table in front of me and went back to her office chair.

I frowned, looking down at what appeared to be some kind of book with a blue cover. Then I raised my eyes and gave her a questioning look. "What's this?"

"Open it and see for yourself," was her only response.

Sighing, I did as she asked and picked up the book, opened it and turned a few pages. Then I shrugged. "It's empty."

"Yes." She paused, as if waiting for me to say or ask something more, but when I remained silent, she went on explaining, "There will be times during our sessions when I'm going to ask you questions you won't feel comfortable answering out loud. Then I want you to write down what you're thinking. When you're done, you can decide whether or not you want to share it with me."

I gave her a skeptical look. "And what if I don't? You won't read it?"

She shook her head, firmly. "Of course not."

If she was deliberately trying to confuse me, I'd say it was working. "Then what's the fucking point?"

She smiled. "You'd be surprised by how much easier it can be to read text out loud than speak freely from the heart. But that's beside the point. Let's face it, Edward - you can lie to me if you want, but you can't lie to yourself. What's important is that _you_ will have the answer this way. Some things are less difficult to comprehend if you manage to get them down on paper."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Maybe she was right. But I didn't see how writing shit down would help if she didn't even want to read it. How could she fix me if she didn't know what the fucking problem was? Was it really just a waste of time coming here after all?

"There's a magazine on the table." Dr. Weber's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "I want you to open it up on a random page, and write down the headline of the first article that catches your eye. There should be a pen under there somewhere." When I just stared at her in bewilderment, she raised a brow. "You may begin."

Was she serious? I shook my head to clear it. Okay, that didn't sound too hard, but I failed to see the meaning of this. In a way, I supposed I should be relieved she was obviously not jumping straight into business, forcing me to talk about shit I desperately wanted to avoid. But then again, wasn't that why I was here?

So far, Dr. Weber didn't seem like any of the other shrinks I had seen before. However, I had yet to figure out whether or not that was a good thing.

"Just humor me, and I'll explain," she promised in a soft voice, clearly noticing my confusion and taking pity on me. I rolled my eyes, wishing I had a way of knowing what she was thinking, because so far, none of this made any sense to me.

"Fine, whatever," I muttered and obediently picked up the magazine, that turned out to be an old issue of _Washington Post_. A moment later, I was done. Putting the pen down, I looked at her expectantly.

She looked pleased, although I wasn't sure why. "Good. Would you mind telling me what you just wrote?"

"Um, all right..." I couldn't see any reason to refuse, but I also couldn't help but think this had to be the strangest fucking therapy session ever. Shrugging again, I read out loud in a bored voice, "_Alaska moves toward legalized bear trapping._" Then I looked up at her again, waiting impatiently for her explanation.

I didn't have to wait long. "The hardest part of writing is getting started. Ask any author out there and they will confirm it. Now you won't have to stress over that, since you've gotten the first words down. Anything you decide to write from now on will be an improvement, because it'll come from you, and not just some insignificant article in the paper."

Then she was quiet for a moment, clearly wanting to give me a few seconds to let her words sink in. I sighed. "If you say so. You gonna start fixing me now, or what?" When she didn't respond right away, I took a deep breath and silently counted to five. I really hated not being in control, especially when I had no idea what to expect.

"For something to be fixed, it needs to be broken." She watched me calmly. "Is that how you see yourself, Edward?"

Now we were getting somewhere. I let out a snort. "Why else would I be here? Of course I'm fucking broken."

She nodded slowly in understanding. "Would you tell me what made you come to that conclusion?"

"Well, the fact that I can't function like a normal person might have clued me in," I muttered, looking away.

"And how do you define 'normal'?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. "I... I don't know." She had to know I was right. Why couldn't she just fucking agree with me and move on?

"Tell me about your girlfriend." I was surprised - and a little suspicious - when she changed the subject. "Bella, right? How did the two of you meet?"

At least I knew the answer to this one. And it was a subject I didn't mind talking about. Still, I wasn't about to let my guard down completely. I eyed her warily as I answered. "She had just moved here from Arizona. We became lab partners in Bio, and she started coming to the house and hang out with Alice."

"Your sister, right?"

"My _adoptive_ sister," I corrected automatically, knowing this had to be in my file.

"Of course." She smiled apologetically. "So you and Bella met at school. Did you hit it off right away?"

I snorted. "Hardly. We fucking hated each other. I was an ass to her, and she..." my voice trailed off as I started thinking back.

Dr. Weber remained silent, waiting for me to go on. I frowned. "Actually, she was always pretty nice to me, even when I treated her like crap." Guilt started welling up inside me, and I grimaced. Deep down, I knew Bella and I had moved past this, but it still made me feel bad to remember what a jerk I had been back then.

She leaned forward, propping her elbows up on the desk. "Why do you think you did that?" Seeing my confusion, she clarified, "You said you treated her like crap. Do you know why?"

I shrugged. "Guess she made me feel..." then I stopped, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

The knowing look on Dr. Weber's face made me lower my eyes. "Insecure?" she suggested. When I didn't respond, she seemed to take my silence for acceptance and went on, "Sometimes it's easier to just push people away than to let them in. Not giving them the opportunity to hurt you." She paused, and I could feel her eyes on me. "And you have been hurt before."

Clenching my fists, I wondered what the hell I had been thinking coming here. I realized she had just given me an opening, but I just couldn't bring myself to confirm her statement. We both knew it was true, but she obviously wanted me to say it. And I couldn't. So I stubbornly pressed my lips together, refusing to look at her.

"I know this is hard for you." She leaned back, folding her hands in her lap. "And yet you're here. Can you tell me why?"

I inhaled shakily. "Because I want to get better."

She nodded. "And would you say that has always been your motivation for attending your therapy sessions in the past?"

Hesitating a little, I then shook my head. "Not really."

"So why did you?"

I shifted awkwardly on the couch. "Because Carlisle and Esme wanted me to."

"I figured as much." There was a gentle note in her voice. "Do you see the difference, Edward? I realize you don't feel comfortable talking to me about what happened yet, and that's okay. Just remember that this time, you're here for the right reason. That alone is a huge step in the right direction, don't you agree?"

Throwing a reluctant look in her direction, I then shrugged. "I guess."

"We are doing this on your terms," she continued softly. "I'm here to help you, even though you may not always like what I have to say. But it all comes down to the fact that you're the one in charge here. I'm going to ask you questions, but you are always welcome to let me know if there's something else you'd rather be talking about. I'm open for suggestions, as long as it is of benefit for you."

If she was trying to make me feel more at ease, she was succeeding, and I actually felt myself relax at her words. So I gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment. "Okay."

"Let's go back to talking about Bella." She gave me a brief look, obviously checking my reaction, and when I nodded in agreement, she continued, "From what I understand, Bella has quickly become a big part of your life. You feel comfortable with her. Am I right?" I nodded again. "You said the other day it's easier when she's around. Do you talk to Bella about your past?"

"Sometimes," I admitted.

She nodded. "And you're okay with that?"

"Yes. No. Fuck, I don't know!" I let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't mind telling her things. Talking's not the problem." She looked at me expectantly, clearly waiting for me to elaborate. I grimaced. "I get these... flashbacks, all right? Like suddenly I'm not even here anymore. I'm..." I couldn't help but shudder, "...back there."

She didn't ask where 'there' was, and for that I was grateful. I hadn't even planned to tell her this much. Casting a look at my watch, I realized less than twenty minutes had passed since I stepped into the office.

"These flashbacks..." I opened my mouth, but she raised a hand to indicate that she wasn't finished. "We don't need to get into what's causing them today. Instead I'd like for you to focus on the actual episodes. How often do you have them? Every day?" I shook my head. "A couple of times a week?"

I shrugged. "Something like that."

"I see." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "I know you also get panic attacks, which I have to say is not uncommon in your situation. Would you say they are usually related to these flashbacks?"

"I... I don't know. Sometimes, I guess. Not always." I swallowed hard, feeling a wave of uneasiness coming over me.

"Do you remember the last time it happened?"

Throwing a longing look at the door, I then let out a defeated sigh. "A couple of days ago." I recalled talking to Alice, and remembered the sudden blind hatred that had practically consumed me as I thought of my mother and James. I fucking hated them both, and wished they were dead. But they weren't. James was in a coma, but he was still alive. He could wake up. They were both still out there.

My heart started pounding and I jumped to my feet. I didn't even think as I squeezed my eyes shut and started backing away, desperate to get away from... fuck, I didn't even know. My mind screamed for Bella, but I knew it was useless. I was on my own.

"Edward..." Dr. Weber's firm voice broke through the ringing noise in my head before the panic could set in completely. "Edward, tell me where you are right now."

My eyes snapped open and I stopped with a frown, looking at her blankly for a moment. Then my brain seemed to start working again. "Your office," I choked out, relieved to find that my lungs weren't burning, and that I could in fact breathe.

"That's right. Hold on to that thought, and you'll be okay." She sounded perfectly calm, like she was dealing with this sort of shit every day. It took a moment before it occurred to me that she probably was, and to my surprise, I actually found the thought slightly comforting.

That was until it hit me how close I had just come to losing it. Shame and humiliation welled up inside me, and I felt myself starting to shiver.

"Why don't we take a break?" Dr. Weber's voice was soft, sympathetic, but instead of making me feel better, it had the opposite effect and only made me angry. Her kindness made it so much harder for me to hate her, and in that moment, I really wanted to. She must have seen my struggling for composure, because she got up and gestured for the door. "Would you like me to...?"

"No!" I cut her off, not wanting her to get Carlisle or Esme in here. "I'm fine." We both knew that was a lie, but thankfully, she didn't call me on it. Instead she just nodded and sat back down. A few minutes passed in silence while I fought to regain control of my emotions.

Finally she spoke up, quietly, "This is only our first session, Edward. I want you to know that you're doing very well so far."

My eyes shot to hers and I stared at her in disbelief. I was doing well? I just nearly had a fucking breakdown, and we had barely started. Was she fucking delusional?

Obviously seeing my skepticism, she continued, "I mean it. I'm sorry if you feel I came on too strongly when I asked about your panic attacks, but you have to understand that to be able to help you, I need to know where you stand. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I promise we'll go as slowly as you need."

Not trusting my voice to hold, I just nodded. A part of me wanted to run - leave this office and never come back, but I knew deep down that wasn't an option. I had promised myself I would do this, and I had known it wouldn't be easy. I'd be damned if I was going to give up after the first session.

She went on, "I was thinking it might be a good idea for Bella to come along the next time we see each other. How do you feel about that? Do you think you'd be more comfortable with her in the same room?"

I nodded again, a bit more enthusiastic this time. "Yeah, I'd like that." The thought of Bella coming to the next session with me filled me with relief.

"Good, then it's settled." She was quiet for a moment. "Edward, you know I'm going to be in contact with Carlisle between our sessions. Of course, unless you'll give me your permission, I won't discuss anything we talk about in here with him. That'll be up to you to decide how much - if anything - you want to share with him, or the rest of your family."

"Right," I mumbled, having heard this before. However, I could feel a 'but' coming up. It turned out I was right.

"But with Bella here, it will be different." She looked me right in the eyes. "Sometimes, I'm going to bring up certain things we have talked about at previous sessions. If Bella's going to be in here, she will get to hear it all, unless you ask me directly to keep a particular part of information strictly between us. Is that okay with you?"

"Sure." I shrugged, thinking I had nothing to hide from Bella.

The rest of the session passed without any further incidents, and I found myself once again relaxing - if ever so slightly - in Dr. Weber's presence. When I finally left her office, I felt a lot calmer than I had when I had entered an hour ago. And the next time I'd come here, Bella would be with me.

It wasn't until I was back in the car that I remembered that I would first have to survive the next three days without her. Because tomorrow, she would be leaving.


	71. Chapter 71

**A/N****: ****A huge thanks to those of you who are being patient with me and this story. I know it may seem like it just goes on and on forever, but trust me when I say we are moving forward. I really hope you won't give up on me and that you'll stay with me and Lonerward to the end. Because we are getting there, even if we still have a way to go.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

I was walking around my room like a robot, grabbing various items and throwing them into my bag. When Charlie had asked me if I needed any help packing, I had declined - much to his relief, I'm sure. Not that I could blame him, seeing the possibility of him accidentally picking up some of my black lace panties and ending up scarred for life.

My eyes landed on my phone. I had dropped it on the bed, next to my bag, and now I stared at the small object intently, willing it to ring. Of course, the damn thing remained silent. A quick look at my watch told me Edward would still be at his session, and he would probably not be able to call for a while. I sighed and slumped down on the bed.

Edward had seemed relieved when I asked if I could come by later tonight, agreeing instantly. I shook my head - as if I could possibly leave tomorrow and be away from him for the next three days without seeing him one last time and say goodbye in person? Not likely.

God, how I would miss him.

The rational part of me knew that three days really wasn't that long, and that I would be back again soon. But still. A lot could happen in three days.

I knew I would worry about Edward constantly, wondering if he was okay. Maybe I was being conceited, thinking he would suffer without me. His family were going to be around - it wasn't like he would be left all alone. His relationship with both Emmett and Alice had improved a lot lately, and I didn't doubt for a second that Carlisle and Esme would be there for him in an instant, should he need them.

But what if he needed _me_?

I felt a lump in my throat, and it wouldn't go away. Edward had finally decided to give therapy an honest try, because he wanted to let go of his tragic past and move on. But it wouldn't be easy. Carlisle had warned me that things might get a lot worse before they got better - those had been his exact words - and I believed him.

So how could I possibly leave him at a time like this, when he needed me the most?

Deep down, I knew I didn't have a choice. I had to go back to Phoenix - I owed it to my mother's memory, and to Phil. Maybe even to myself. But that didn't mean I was happy about it.

The idea of once again entering the house that had been my home for seventeen years, where I had seen my mom's lifeless body on the floor, made me feel sick to my stomach. Not to mention that I would have to visit her grave. The mere thought made my eyes well up with tears.

I missed my mommy. So much.

She would have liked Edward, I knew she would. More than anything, I wished she would have gotten a chance to meet him. It broke my heart to think about how two of the most important people in my life would never get to see each other.

A soft knock on the door, followed by Charlie peeking his head inside a moment later, snapped me out of my depressing thoughts. I took a deep breath and forced a smile, quickly wiping my tears away so he wouldn't see me crying. The last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable. "Hey, Dad." To my relief, my voice didn't crack.

"Hey, Bells." He cleared his throat. "All packed?"

"Yeah, I'm done." I shrugged, unable to bring any real enthusiasm into my voice.

Charlie watched me for a moment, then stepped into the room and walked over to me. "I know you don't really want to do this, but maybe it won't be so bad. You'll get a chance to spend some time with Phil, and, well..." he hesitated a little, "...either way, it'll only be for a few days. You'll be home again before you know it."

I wondered who he was trying to convince the hardest - me, or himself. "Sure, Dad."

He looked as if he was about to say something more about the subject, then clearly decided against it. "So, I was thinking maybe when you get back, you could invite Edward over for dinner or something. I feel like you're always hanging out at their house, I don't want the Cullens to think we're being unfriendly or impolite." A somewhat embarrassed chuckle escaped him.

My eyes widened slightly at his suggestion, but I quickly recovered. "I'm sure they don't think that."

"Still..." Charlie gave me a firm look. "Just humor your old man, will you? If you're going to be..." his face turned red and he coughed, "..._involved_ with the boy, I have to insist on you bringing him over every once in a while. I want to make sure he treats you right."

_Oh God, here we go..._

I sighed. "Do we really have to continue this discussion? It'll just be awkward for both of us."

"Probably. And yes, we do."

Closing my eyes for a moment, I then shook my head in exasperation. "Edward's great, and he's treating me just fine. You've got nothing to worry about." I paused. "Sure, I'll invite him over if that's what you want. But I'm warning you-"

"Hey, I would never embarrass you," Charlie cut me off, sounding a little offended.

I wasn't so sure about that, but decided to keep that thought to myself. "I didn't say you would. But you know Edward's not really comfortable around other people. I just don't want him to feel-"

"Bella..." he interrupted me again, sounding a little annoyed. "Edward and I've been getting along just fine so far. Believe me - we're both more than capable of spending a couple of hours together at the dinner table."

I blushed, suddenly feeling stupid. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that Edward's got a lot to deal with right now, and..." I stopped myself, not sure how to explain to him without revealing too much.

"And so do you, I suppose." Charlie let out a sigh. "We can talk more about this later, when you're back." He was quiet for a moment. "Look, Bella, I know I'm far from being the greatest dad out there. I haven't always been there for you like I should have, and I'm probably not the funniest guy to be around. But-"

"Dad..." I started to protest, but he wasn't finished.

"Just listen to what I have to say, all right?" I closed my mouth, waiting for him to go on. "I'm not stupid - I realize no teenager in their right mind feels comfortable opening up to their parents about sensitive matters. Believe it or not - I was young myself once. But I want you to know that - as embarrassing as it may be, for both of us - you can always come to me."

I wanted to ask who he was and what he had done to my real father, but somehow, it didn't seem appropriate. Instead I nodded. "I know, Dad. Thanks."

He nodded slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. For almost a minute, he stayed silent, although I could tell there was something more on his mind. Finally, he looked me right in the eyes. "Bella, I've been the Chief of Police in this town for more than ten years, and I was an officer for almost as long before that."

"Yeah?" I looked at him in confusion, not sure where he was going with this.

"I'll be honest with you." His voice was suddenly dead serious. "I know more about Edward and his past than you think, even though I admit there's a part of me that wish I didn't. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not going to scare him off. I wouldn't do that to either of you."

I just stared at him, my mouth hanging wide open in shock. Was he serious? My dad knew about Edward's past? All of it? And he had known for all this time? Before I got the chance to respond - not that I had any idea what to say - my phone started ringing on the bed, causing both of us to jump.

My heart started beating faster as I quickly reached for it and immediately cast a look at the display. I was unable to keep a relieved smile from spreading on my face when I saw Edward's name. Glancing at Charlie, I knew he could tell who it was by the way my entire face lit up.

"Tell Edward I said 'hi'," was his only comment before he left the room. As I hurriedly brought my phone to my ear, eager to hear Edward's voice, I realized Charlie and I had a lot to talk about when I got back from Phoenix.

**OoO**

About half an hour later, Edward and I were up in his room, sitting close together on the bed. He had his arms around me and my head was resting on his shoulder. We hadn't spoken much since I arrived, and to tell the truth, I sort of feared I would start crying as soon as I opened my mouth.

I couldn't stay long - it was already past eight and I had to get up early the next morning. Charlie was going to give me a ride to the airport, and even though I would have loved for Edward to come along, I knew it would be even harder for both of us to say goodbye if he had to watch me get on the stupid plane. It was better to get it over with tonight, at home, where we would have some privacy.

Three days was nothing. At least that's what I kept telling myself. Still, I felt like I wouldn't see him again for weeks.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him right now. I wanted to tell him again and again how much I loved him, and how much I was going to miss him over the next couple of days. I wanted to ask him more about his therapy session, and I wanted to let him know how proud I was of him for going. I wanted to assure him that both of us would be fine while we were apart, even though I had my doubts.

But no words would come. Instead we just sat there, clinging to each other like our lives depended on us never breaking contact.

Finally Edward pulled back a little, although he didn't let go of me. Of course, if he had, I probably would have simply jumped right back into his arms. "Are you gonna be okay tomorrow?" he asked quietly, gently running his knuckles down my cheek.

I closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay away, and nodded. The last thing I wanted was for him to worry about me while I was away - he deserved a break. Hopefully, there would be no incidents and things would run smoothly here in Forks. I prayed Edward wouldn't have another panic attack before I got back, unable to stand the thought of him suffering without me there to help him through it.

"You know you can call me at any time, right?" I tried to smile, but I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

He nodded. "Same goes for you." There was a pause, and when he spoke up again, his voice was trembling, "Just promise you'll come back."

The tears I had been trying so hard to hold back spilled over. "Of course I will, baby. You know that." He didn't respond, just kept looking deeply into my eyes, as if searching for the truth there. I told myself not to feel hurt by his obvious doubt, knowing it wasn't really about him not trusting me. He was just afraid - like me - and in desperate need of assurance. I could hardly blame him.

"You're my life now," he finally whispered, and his lips crashed against mine. I let out a soft moan as my arms went around his neck, and I kissed him back with all the love and passion I could muster. Our bodies seemed to be melting together as one, and I could feel Edward's heart beating inside his chest. Although in that moment, his stiff posture changed and he suddenly felt perfectly relaxed against me.

I was the one who couldn't stop shaking.

Kissing Edward was something I would never get tired of. Every time our lips met, it was like the first time all over again, and my body got all tingly with excitement. I couldn't even begin to describe the emotions swimming inside me, and before I met him, I never would have thought myself capable of feeling like this. It was amazing, and at the same time, it was frightening beyond words.

When I was with Edward, my life was complete. And without him...

It hurt just thinking about it.

Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder if the day would come when Edward and I would be able to take our relationship to the next level. Would he ever be ready for that? And if so, would I be good enough for him? Could I make him see that sex didn't necessarily have to be painful, brutal and ruthless? That it could actually be a good thing?

With the right person, it could be wonderful. There was no doubt in my mind. And I could only hope that Edward one day would come to the same conclusion. I wanted to be the first - and only - girl he would ever make love to. And more than anything, I wished Edward could be my first as well.

Unfortunately, it wasn't possible to go back in time and change the past. I would if I could, but I had made my decision once - the fact that I had barely been in my right mind at the time was no excuse - and I would just have to live with it. Sure, technically, I was still a virgin, and compared to most girls my age, I had next to no experience when it came to that sort of thing. But still, there was that one time...

I could fool myself and pretend it never happened, but the truth was, it had. I had made a mistake, but I did so willingly, and I couldn't go back and change it.

In that moment, I decided that as soon as I got back from Phoenix, I was going to tell Edward everything about me and Jacob. I should've said something sooner, but the coward in me had desperately tried to avoid the subject for as long as I could. He probably wouldn't understand, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that he wasn't going to like it, but I knew I had to be honest with him.

Edward had told me about his past. It was time for me to do the same.

Stubbornly pushing all disturbing thoughts to the back of my mind, I forced myself to pull back a little and put an end to our make-out session. Tracing soft patterns on Edward's chest, I planted a final feather-light kiss at the corner of his mouth. As much as I wanted to just keep kissing him forever, I knew we needed to stop before things got out of hand.

My fingers ached to touch him, and I knew it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to stop myself from letting my hand slip under his shirt, which would most likely freak him out. We had to take things real slow - like one baby-step at a time - and this was hardly the right time for testing our limits.

The look he gave me when I pulled away was sad, yet accepting, and it all but broke my heart. The minutes ticked by way too quickly, and I felt myself starting to panic. Our time was running out.

"Bella, I..." Edward started, only to stop when our eyes met. I waited for him to continue, but he remained silent, watching me with an unreadable expression. While I got the feeling he had been about to tell me something important, I knew better than to push him. Finally he sighed. "Will you come to my next therapy session?"

"Yes," I answered instantly, not even bothering to ask when it was. He looked relieved, but I couldn't help but feel like that was not what he had originally planned to say. For a moment, I wondered if he was keeping something from me, but then quickly dismissed the idea. Even if he was, it didn't seem right to question him about it now. Edward would talk to me when he was ready. He usually did.

Casting a reluctant look at my watch, I let out a miserable sigh. "I should probably get going," I mumbled, but couldn't bring myself to get up from the bed.

Edward grabbed hold of my hand almost desperately, and I swallowed hard as he pressed his lips to my palm. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, and I knew he was struggling against the urge to object, to beg me to stay. We both knew I couldn't. "Hurry back to me," he finally whispered, a pleading note in his voice, an I failed to hold back a choked sob.

"I don't want to leave you, baby, you know that, right?" I managed to get out, and a tear trickled down my cheek. "I love you, Edward. I love you so much."

I watched him take a shaky breath as he pulled me gently back into his arms and rested his forehead against mine. "I know," he murmured, and I felt him trembling against me, although I knew he was trying to hold himself together. I squeezed him hard. "I love you, too, Bella. It'll be okay."

"Yeah," I agreed, trying to sound convincing, although I suspected I was failing miserably. "I'll call you before I get on the plane, okay?" He nodded, reaching out a shaky hand towards my face and carefully wiped away my tears.

We just looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity, and at the same time, the moment was over all too soon. Although my entire body was screaming in protest, I found myself letting go of him and rise from the bed. As in slow-motion, my body carried me across the room, away from Edward and towards the door.

I kept my eyes straight ahead, knowing that if I looked back, even for a second, I would fall apart.apart.


	72. Chapter 72

**EPOV**

When I got downstairs the next morning, I was in a really bad mood. I had been tossing and turning in bed for most of the night, unable to find a comfortable position, and when I finally did manage to drift off, my sleep had been plagued by nightmares.

"Morning!" Alice chirped as I nearly ran into her in the kitchen, although her smile instantly faded when she noticed my grim expression. "Not a good morning?" I merely grunted in response, heading straight for the coffee that was thankfully already brewing.

I could feel her eyes on me as I grabbed an empty cup from the dish rack. "What?" I demanded, glaring at her. She just shook her head and quickly averted her eyes, and I immediately felt like an ass. "Sorry," I mumbled, thinking I should have just stayed up in my room. At least then no one else would have to suffer because I was having a crappy morning.

And I was fully convinced the rest of my weekend wouldn't turn out any better. What I wouldn't give to just go to sleep - preferably without the fucking dreams - and then wake up again in three days..

Accepting my apology with small smile and a wave of dismissal, Alice then turned her attention to her breakfast, clearly sensing that I was in no mood for making conversation. And I was left to keep wallowing in self-pity.

Emmett entered the kitchen a couple of minutes later. He cast one look at me, and then wisely stepped past me without a word. Instead he walked over to the fridge and threw the door open expectantly, only to let out a loud sigh in the next moment. "There's absolutely nothing to eat," he complained, slammed the door shut again and slumped down next to Alice.

She looked up. "There's cereal." A pause. "But I took the last of the milk. Sorry."

He rolled his eyes. "Great, thanks, Alice. I'll just starve to death then." She didn't bother to respond as she shoved another spoonful of soggy cereal into her mouth. I remained by the kitchen counter, ignoring both of them. Esme chose that moment to enter the room.

"Oh, you're all up. Good morning." She smiled.

"Hi, Mom." Alice put her now empty bowl down.

"Did you know there's no food in the house?" Emmett wanted to know.

Esme laughed, goodheartedly. "Yes, honey, and I'm going grocery shopping later. I think there's some fruit left, though. Have an apple or something."

He grimaced. "That's not food. I'm a growing man - I need me some protein!"

"Then go to the fucking store yourself and stop whining!" I exploded, having had enough. The room fell dead silent, and I found three pair of large eyes staring at me.

Emmett was the first to recover from my outburst, his eyes narrowing. "What crawled up your ass and died this morning? Hell, I guess Bella picked the right time to leave, since you're obviously back to acting like a fucking douche bag." I was vaguely aware of someone - probably Alice - letting out a soft gasp.

The anger that had been slowly building up inside me since the moment I stepped out of bed reached the point when I could no longer keep it under control, and I didn't even think as I hurled my half full cup of coffee into the wall with a roar. I stormed out of the kitchen, however, it only took a couple of seconds before I heard the sound of running footsteps behind me, and Emmett calling out my name.

"Hey, wait up! I didn't mean that." He sounded genuinely remorseful, and I came to a halt, although I didn't turn around. I could hear him stop a few feet away, and when he spoke up again, the shame was evident in his voice, "Really, I'm a jerk when I'm hungry. I'm sorry."

The burning rage I had felt only a moment ago was already fading. Deep down, I knew I had it coming. My mood was clearly affecting those around me, and I was a fucking mess. Another sign that I should just lock myself up in my room and avoid any contact with other people, until...

I wasn't a complete idiot - I knew Bella's absence was the reason I was going all haywire. She had called me before she got on the plane - just like she promised - sounding just as miserable and lonely as I felt, and the sadness in her voice when she told me she already missed me cut me like a knife in the heart.

"Whatever, just forget it," I muttered now in response to Emmett's apology, lacking both the will and energy to keep arguing. After all, we had actually been getting along pretty well lately, and I didn't want things to go back to the way they were before, with the two of us unable to be in the same room without lashing out at each other.

Besides, as mortified as I had been when he had learned the truth about my past less than a week ago, Emmett had been more than cool about the whole thing so far, and I really didn't want to give him any reason to throw it back in my face. I realized I should probably apologize to him as well, but for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to say the words.

Which, I figured, only proved him right when he called me a douche bag.

"She'll be back, you know," he now told me quietly, obviously in an attempt of making me feel better, which unfortunately had the exact opposite effect on me.

"I know," I grumbled, not wanting to have this conversation with him.

In that moment, Alice peeked into the room, looking from me to Emmett with a somewhat wary expression on her face. "Don't mind me, I just wanted to make sure you guys haven't killed each other. As much as it pains me to admit it, I think I'd actually miss you if you were gone."

Emmett snorted. "No, we're good." Then he hesitated a little, throwing an uncertain look at me. "Right?" Still a little annoyed, I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes and nodded, not missing the relieved look on his face.

Alice smiled, clearly pleased. "Great! I'm sure Mom will be happy to hear you two haven't turned the living room into a war zone."

"Is she mad?" Emmett looked a little worried. "Tell her I'm sorry for being an ass."

As Alice turned to look at me expectantly, I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, tell Esme I'm sorry Emmett's an ass." He scowled at me, causing Alice to giggle. I grimaced. "Second thought, might as well tell her myself. Got a mess to clean up."

I started towards the kitchen, but Alice's voice stopped me in my tracks. "Already taken care of. You can thank me later."

Spinning around, I stared at her in disbelief. "You're fucking kidding, right?" She just shook her head, and I groaned. "Dammit, Alice, why'd you have to do that? It's not your fucking job to clean up after me."

She shrugged. "Seriously, it's no big deal. But if you're gonna bitch about it, I'm sure I can find a way for you to make it up to me. In fact, my room is in a desperate need of cleaning..." She smirked at me.

I rolled my eyes, but noted that my mood seemed to have improved, if only slightly. So I let out a sigh, deciding to at least try to pull myself together, or it would be three fucking long days, for all of us. "Thanks, Alice. But you really shouldn't have." She just shrugged again, mumbling a 'whatever'.

I made it past noon without any more incidents, although by then, I was ready to start climbing the fucking walls. I even went as far as to trying to work on my English paper that was due when school started again after spring break, but after staring at the empty page for nearly half an hour, I gave up.

Suddenly there was a loud bang on the door, followed by Emmett barging into the room a moment later, and while I would never admit it out loud, a part of me was actually grateful for the distraction. "Hey, wanna play video games or something? I'm bored."

I was unable to hide my confusion, seeing how this had to be the first time he had ever suggested we'd do something together. When I just looked at him blankly, he let out a frustrated sigh. "Oh, come on, have mercy on me! I can't bug Alice, since she's locked herself up in her room with Jasper, and I don't wanna think about what they're doing in there."

"So, what? You decided to come bug me instead?" I couldn't for the life of me understand why, but deep down, it actually stung a little to realize I was obviously his last choice. Of course, the rational part of me knew I couldn't exactly blame him. There was absolutely no logical reason why he should want to hang out with me, unless he was really desperate and with no other option.

Now he watched me closely with a somewhat uncertain look on his face, as he clearly couldn't figure out whether or not his presence was really bothering me. "I'll leave you alone if you want," he finally offered, a hint of defeat in his voice as he took a step back.

I surprised myself by shaking my head. "No, it's okay."

He looked skeptical at first, then his expression turned hopeful. "Wanna play, then?"

Hesitating a little, I then figured it couldn't be worse than sulking alone in my room. "Yeah, all right."

"Cool." He grinned. "Just don't get too pissed off when I kick your ass!" My eyes narrowed, but I followed him to his room without a word.

Ten minutes later, Emmett let out an annoyed growl when I managed to beat him for the third time in a row. "The stupid thing must be broken," he muttered, banging his remote against the table. I rolled my eyes, pretty sure there was nothing wrong with the remote. At first I almost thought he was deliberately letting me win to placate me, but it didn't take long for me to realize that he simply sucked.

He gave me a suspicious look. "I thought you said you'd never played this game before."

I shrugged. "I haven't." The doubtful look on his face told me that he didn't believe me, but I hadn't been lying. Unlike him, I wasn't all that into video games. Then again, I had to admit it was kind of fun to watch his annoyed expression when I beat his sorry ass every single time.

Yeah, I was actually enjoying myself. Who would've thought?

For the next couple of minutes, we kept playing in silence. Finally Emmett spoke up, quietly, "I, um, talked to Rose before." I glanced at him, but remained silent, waiting for him to continue. It took almost a minute. "She asked if she could come over tonight."

Merely grunting in acknowledgment, I turned my attention back to the TV screen. As I felt his eyes on me, it occurred to me that he was probably waiting for some kind of verbal response from me. I just didn't know what he expected me to say.

He sighed. "Would you mind if she did?"

I turned to stare at him in surprise, nearly dropping the remote. "Why do you ask?"

Clearly a little uncomfortable, he shrugged and looked away. "Told her I'd get back to her. I wanted to check with you first. Don't want things to get..." he hesitated a little, "...awkward."

I gave him a look of disbelief. "Let me see if I got this straight. You're asking me for permission to bring your girlfriend over?" Still not looking at me, Emmett mumbled something that sounded like 'she's not my girlfriend'. When he didn't elaborate, I raised a brow. "So you say. But we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation now if you didn't still care about her, would we?"

He cast a somewhat startled look in my direction. "Of course I do. But-"

"So just cut the bullshit then," I cut him off, the words coming out a bit more harsh than I had intended. "I never asked you to stop seeing her in the first place. If you want to be with her, don't let me stand in your fucking way."

"You don't get it, do you?" He sounded frustrated. "It's a matter of principle, all right? I'm trying to do the right thing and be respectful here."

I frowned, more than a little taken aback by his admission. "Oh, um, okay..." I paused, then forced myself to add a 'thanks'. He simply shrugged, like it was no big deal. It just didn't make any sense to me. Emmett sure as hell didn't owe me anything. And as for being respectful, I had never been any of the kind to him.

The thought of him acting all different and... fucking _decent_ all of a sudden simply out of pity made my stomach lurch. But to be honest, it didn't quite add up. Because things had started to change between us even before Emmett figured it all out. I remembered how he had given me pointers on how to impress Bella, even going as far as to give me a ride to the fucking grocery store.

_Family comes first,_ he had told me after Bella revealed I was part of the reason why he had ended things with Rosalie. I had just shrugged his words off at the time, convinced it was just a fat load of crap.

But maybe it wasn't.

I cleared my throat. "Look, it's not that I don't appreciate you asking, but I don't have a problem with Rosalie coming over. Really. Hell, I was the one saying you should talk to her, remember? I told you she apologized. It's cool." I realized I meant it.

"Yeah? Thanks." He sounded so relieved, and it was my turn to awkwardly wave him off. It occurred to me that we still barely knew how to act around each other these days. But maybe we were slowly starting to learn. I decided I could live with that. In fact, while I had never thought the day would come when I would voluntarily hang out with Emmett, I had to admit he wasn't so bad after all.

After a moment of silence, he spoke up again, eyes back on the screen, "You know, if you ever want to... I don't know, talk or something..." he left the rest of the sentence hanging, although it didn't take a genius to figure out what he was referring to. It hit me that he was being sincere, and I didn't know how I felt about it.

Aside from telling me that day that I had nothing to be ashamed of, he hadn't actually brought up my past again, and for that I had been grateful. But I supposed it was just a matter of time before we would have to address the subject, no matter how badly I just wanted to forget about it.

To tell the truth, I was kind of proud of myself for not just telling him to fuck off. Because that had been my instinctive reaction. Instead I just shook my head. "Don't."

"Okay," he responded immediately, and I let out a breath of relief. A beat. "Just, you know..." he shrugged, glancing at me, and our eyes met.

"Yeah, whatever." I quickly looked away. "Thanks."

As if making a silent agreement, we went back to the game. For the next twenty minutes or so, Emmett's muttered profanities as I once again kicked his ass were the only words uttered.

Suddenly a voice spoke up from the doorway, causing me to jump. "Who's winning?" Jasper was leaning casually against the doorframe, curiously peeking into the room.

Completely engrossed in the battle, Emmett appeared to be startled as well, although he quickly recovered. "Hey, man, what's up?" I held back a snort, not missing how he ignored Jasper's question.

If Jasper was surprised to see me in Emmett's room, he didn't let it show. "Alice kicked me out," he explained as he stepped inside. "Thought I'd just hang out in here until it's safe to go back."

My head shot up at his words, and I glared at him. "What the fuck did you do?"

"What?" He turned to me in alarm, clearly taken aback by the accusing note in my voice. Then he let out a chuckle as realization seemed to hit him. "Oh, nothing. She just demanded that I'd leave the room while she's trying out which outfit to wear tonight. I'm taking her out for dinner."

"Oh." I felt a little stupid. Emmett gave me an odd look, and I knew it wasn't like me to act so protective. But the thought of anyone upsetting Alice just made me see red. It was a startling - but not completely shocking - discovery.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Jasper then slumped down in a huge bean bag chair and started teasing Emmett about his lousy score, resulting in Emmett tossing his remote at Jasper and calling him a bitch. I started to feel out of place, and got up.

"Hey, where are you going?" Emmett sobered up, giving me a look of confusion. "I demand a rematch!" Jasper laughed and insisted it wouldn't make much of a difference, stating that he should just admit defeat and take it like a man.

I shrugged. "Another time, all right?" He looked as if he was going to object, but then seemed to decide against it and nodded. Jasper looked a little guilty, and I figured he realized I was leaving because of him. It made me feel a bit bad, seeing how it wasn't his fault I had social issues. So I offered him a small wave and mumbled a 'see you later'. He looked surprised, but nodded in agreement.

Later that night, I was pacing my room and wondering if enough time had passed so I could call Bella without coming out as too clingy. As much as I hated to admit it, Carlisle's words about me becoming too dependent on her was still haunting me, and regardless of Bella firmly telling me otherwise, deep down, there was a part of me that still feared she would eventually get fed up with me.

It wasn't that I didn't trust her - I just couldn't fully believe that I would be enough for her in the long run. And I suspected the doubt would always be there, at least on some level. Maybe I could mention it to Dr. Weber some time, and see what she had to say about it. At least then we didn't have to focus on my past.

My phone rang a moment later, interrupting my thoughts, and a grin spread on my face at the sight of Bella's name on the display. I had been longing to talk to her all day.

But my relief didn't last long. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was terribly wrong.

Bella was crying.


	73. Chapter 73

**A/N****: To all of you who keep reading and reviewing my story, I just can't thank you enough. I love you all! :)**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Phil had promised to meet me at the airport when my plane had landed, and it didn't take long before I spotted him in the crowd. I had to admit it was good to see him, and I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tightly. He smiled at me as I finally pulled out of his embrace. "I'm glad you're here, kiddo. Welcome home."

I almost corrected him, stating that my home was now in Forks, but I stopped myself at the last second, not wanting to make him feel bad. "I've missed you, Phil. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks." He cleared his throat. "Okay, so my car's waiting. Are you hungry? If you want, we could stop by someplace to eat."

I nodded, grateful we didn't have to go back to the house just yet. Now I could have some more time to mentally prepare myself. "Sounds great."

He insisted on carrying my bag - which really wasn't that heavy - and led the way to the car. We ended up at a small pizza place, not that far away from the airport, and as soon as I took in the delicious smell of Mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce, I realized I was starving. Phil told me to order whatever I wanted.

We were making small talk while waiting for our food to arrive, and I watched him closely as I sipped on my ice-water and nibbled on a bread stick. Phil looked pretty much the same as he had when I last saw him, and at the same time, he seemed different. I just couldn't put my finger on what it was.

He seemed to have lost a little weight, or maybe that was just my mind playing tricks on me - I couldn't be sure. To tell the truth, I had expected him to be devastated, ridden with grief, but he seemed to be holding himself together pretty well. If anything, he looked calm, relaxed. Almost happy. A part of me was relieved, the other part found it disturbing.

Halfway through our pizzas, we seemed to be out of topics to talk about. As we finished eating in silence, I was starting to feel somewhat uncomfortable.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Phil put his fork down and reached for a napkin. "I saw some of your old friends the other day. Rachel Black, and her brother... what was his name again?"

I closed my eyes for a moment. "Jacob."

"Right, Jacob." He nodded, eying me thoughtfully. "The two of you seemed to be pretty close there for a while."

"I wouldn't say that," I lied, thinking that if he had known just how close we had really been, he wouldn't bring Jacob's name up so casually.

"Oh. My mistake, then. I guess it was probably just as well, though." Seeing my confusion, Phil gave me an apologetic look. "I just meant with you moving away and all. No matter what people say, long distance relationships rarely work out in the long run." He shrugged. "It's hard to be away from someone you love."

"Tell me about it," I mumbled, my thoughts immediately going to Edward. I wondered what he was doing right now. Was he okay? Did he miss me just as much as I missed him? I contemplated giving him a call, but decided to wait until later, when I was alone.

Phil changed the subject - much to my relief - and asked if I was ready to leave. As much as I wanted to say no, I found myself nodding in agreement.

Twenty minutes later, I stepped out of the car, unable to take my eyes away from the house in front of me. It looked exactly like I remembered it, and yet, I had a hard time grasping that this was the same house where I had taken my first wobbly steps as a kid, where I had lost my first baby tooth. Where I had tried to learn how to walk in high heels, and ended up falling down and breaking my ankle.

Where I had seen my mom's limp and lifeless body on the floor.

I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Phil asked quietly, and I slowly turned my head to look at him. He was all blurry, and it took a moment until I realized tears had started welling up in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away, and nodded. It was obvious that he didn't believe me, as he gave me a sympathetic look. "Why don't we go inside?" I nodded again, reluctantly following him towards the front door.

He glanced at me as he unlocked the door. "Your old room is just the way you left it - I haven't touched a thing. I figured you'd be most comfortable in there." When I didn't respond, his expression turned uncertain. "Unless you'd prefer to stay in the guest room. That's okay, too, I don't mind sleeping on the couch for a couple of nights." He entered the house, holding the door open for me.

I took a deep breath, and stepped inside as well. That was when his words registered, and I turned to him with a frown. "You've been sleeping in the guest room?"

His eyes darkened for a moment. "Yeah. It seemed more practical that way. The bed's smaller, and I don't really need all that space." Seeing the skeptical look on my face, he let out a sigh. "Plus, I haven't been able to sleep in the bedroom since Renée..." he left the rest of the sentence hanging.

Feeling the beginning of a headache coming up, I automatically reached into the pocket of my jacket, only to come up empty. I started to panic, but then remembered I had put my pills in the bag. It had been so long since I last needed them, and at some point, I had just stopped carrying them around in my pocket all the time.

Now I practically ripped the bag out of Phil's hand, as he had yet to put it down. He watched me with wide eyes as I desperately rummaged through the contents of the bag, almost sobbing in relief when I found the small bottle and popped two of the little white pills into my mouth without any water. By now, my head was pounding, and I slid down on the floor with a small whimper.

"Are you still taking those?" He sounded more than a little concerned. "Bella, are you all right? Do you need to lie down?"

I shook my head, knowing the effect of the painkillers would kick in any minute. Phil knew that as well, seeing how he had witnessed my episodes before, but I suspected they still made him nervous, and I couldn't really blame him. I let out a weak groan, willing the pain to go away. After what seemed like hours, but probably wasn't more than a couple of minutes, it finally eased a little.

"I was hoping you would've stopped getting those headaches by now," Phil said in an unsteady voice, and I couldn't help but feel embarrassed now when the attack had passed.

"It doesn't happen very often now," I mumbled, wiping my eyes. "This is the first time I've had one in weeks."

"That's good to hear, but still..." Seeing me struggle to get up, he reached out a hand to help me get off the floor. "I know you had a full medical exam back when it all started, but maybe you should go see a doctor in Forks, get a second opinion. Just to be on the safe side."

"That's really not necessary." I cringed at the thought of going through any more tests. "Like I said, it rarely happens anymore. I'm fine."

He looked as if he was about to object, but then obviously decided to let the matter drop. "All right. Have you decided where you want to sleep tonight? Do you want to unpack right away, or...?" He hesitated a little. "I was thinking when you feel up to it, we could go through the boxes up in the attic, and you can decide what you want to keep."

I swallowed, hard. "You put all of Mom's stuff in the attic? What are you gonna do with it? Throw it all away?"

Phil sighed. "Bella, as far as I'm concerned, most of the things in this house belonged to your mother, one way or the other. I haven't gotten rid of anything yet. But like I've already told you, I'm selling the house, and I can't possibly keep it all. I'm sorry. This is just as painful for me as it is for you, believe me."

Deep down, I knew he was right, but that didn't mean I had to like it. "What about the furniture?"

"I'll take as much as I can, but there's not nearly as much space in my new apartment as in this house," Phil explained with a regretful note in his voice. "Of course, you can have whatever you want."

I gave him a hard look. "I just want my mom back."

His face fell. "I know that, Bella. So do I. But I can't-"

"I don't want to hear it," I cut him off. "Look, Phil, I'm sorry, but I can't do this right now. I need some fresh air, okay? I'll be fine, I'm just gonna go for a walk or something. I'll be back in a while." Before he got a chance to say anything, I spun around and all but ran out the door, suddenly desperate to get away.

It was all becoming too much, and I needed some space, a chance to clear my head. Things couldn't possibly have started any worse, and I could only hope Phil would understand. I didn't want to upset him, but I couldn't help myself. Being back here made me feel like I was just a little girl again, a little girl who desperately missed her mother.

The thought of spending the next two nights here in the same house where my mom had died was almost unbearable, but I knew I didn't have any choice. I was angry at myself for not being able to handle things better, and decided I just needed some time alone to pull myself together. Then I would go back, apologize to Phil for taking off like this, and do what I came here to do in the first place.

Say goodbye.

I just wandered around aimlessly for almost an hour, and while I was more than familiar with the area, I still felt like a stranger. I didn't belong here in Phoenix, and I hoped I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Then again, I doubted the few so called friends I used to have here would even bother to approach me if they spotted me now - it wasn't like we had stayed in touch after I left.

To tell the truth, I wouldn't be surprised if they had forgotten all about me. And I honestly couldn't say I had missed them. They were just names to me now. I had my real friends back in Forks.

Well, one friend, anyway. Two if you counted Edward, but seeing how the way I felt about him went so far beyond a simple friendship, it seemed almost offensive now to put him in that category. That left Alice.

I really was a loner.

After a while, I started to head back, and realized it was already past four-thirty. I was just a few blocks away from the house when I decided to call Edward. Even though I had talked to him this morning, I still missed him like crazy, and I couldn't wait to hear his voice.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance.

"Bella? You're really here!"

I froze dead in my tracks at the familiar voice, coming from behind me, and slowly turned around, praying against hope that I had been mistaken. Of course, I wasn't that lucky. Anger started welling up inside me when I found myself staring into the eyes of the one person I had hoped never to see again. "Jacob? What the hell are you doing here?"

He let out a nervous chuckle. "Come on, haven't you missed me even a little bit?"

Was he for real?

I closed my eyes, silently counting to five. Then I glared at him. "Give me one good reason why I should've missed you." He opened his mouth, but I cut him off, "Second thought, don't bother. Just go away."

He actually had the nerve to look hurt. "But I've been driving around the neighborhood all day, waiting for you to show up."

"Excuse me?" I gave him an incredulous look. "Are you serious? You knew I'd be here?"

"Well, yeah." He gave me a sheepish grin. "I ran into Phil the other day, and he told me you were coming to visit. I knew then I just had to see you."

And to think that smile had once made my knees go weak. Now I just wanted to smack him. "Jake, I'm only going to say this once, because I'm really not in a mood. Leave me alone."

His smile disappeared. "Look, I know we didn't exactly part on the best of terms, but I was hoping-"

"Stop it right there!" I demanded, fuming now. "Are you delusional? Have you forgotten what happened? In that case, I'll be happy to remind you. You used me, Jake. You took advantage of me when I needed you the most, just so you could get what you wanted, and then when I couldn't go through with it, you dumped me like yesterday's garbage!"

He had the decency to look ashamed. "I know I acted like a jerk, all right? Just give me a chance to explain."

I snorted. "I'm not interested in your lame excuses. You mean nothing to me, and I don't care what you have to say. I can't believe you actually thought I'd be happy to see you again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have someplace to be. I don't have time for this."

"I don't blame you for being upset with me." Ignoring my warning look, Jacob stepped in front of me, preventing me from walking away. "Just hear me out, Bella, that's all I ask. If you still wanna leave when I'm done, I won't stop you."

I shook my head, glaring daggers at him. "No, I'm going to leave right _now_, and you won't stop me. Don't you dare act like I owe you something, Jake, because I don't. You have a lot of nerve coming here, making demands. Obviously you haven't changed a bit. The least you could do is ask how I am, but all you care about is yourself, as usual."

He sighed, then nodded in agreement. "You're right, let me start over. Hi, Bella, it's good to see you. I've missed you. How are you?"

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. "Never been better. I've met a guy who actually cares about me, and I couldn't be happier. Now get out of my way, or I swear to God-"

"Hey, _I_ care about you," he cut me off. Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously as his brain seemed to register the rest of my words. "What guy? What's his name?"

"That's none of your business." I scowled at him. "I could make a list of all the reasons why, but I'm not going to bother. I mean it, Jake. Let it go."

"Fine." He huffed. "If you'll calm down for two seconds and listen to me."

I let out an annoyed groan. "Seriously, why are you so damn persistent about this? It's not like anything you say is going to make a difference. What do you want?" As soon as the words had left my mouth, I realized I had just given him the opening he so clearly wanted, but I suddenly didn't care anymore. It would be easier to just humor him, seeing how that seemed to be the only way to get rid of him.

"I just want you to forgive me." He gave me a disarming smile, and I nearly stuck my tongue out at him, only to stop myself at the last second, deciding I was more mature than that. Seeing that I wasn't the least bit impressed, his smile faded. "Really, Bella, I'm sorry about the way I handled things. But you have to admit, you didn't exactly make it easy for me."

My jaw dropped at his words. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I really loved you, Bella." He shook his head, sadly. "But it wasn't enough for you. Things were great at first, and then suddenly you just changed and turned all cold on me. You refused to do anything, barely even allowed me to touch you anymore. I'm not proud to say this, but I was getting bored, okay? I'm a guy. Guys have needs, you know?"

I just stared at him for a moment, too stunned to speak. Then I snapped out of it, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "Oh, I'm so sorry I was too busy mourning the loss of my mother to be able to fulfill your needs!"

"Hey, I tried to be supportive," he protested, my anger causing him to involuntarily take a step back. "I tried to make you happy, but nothing I did was good enough. I just wanted my girlfriend back."

_"Come on, Bella, just say yes. I'll make you feel so good."___

_I bit my lip, hesitating. "I don't know, Jake. I'm not sure I'm ready for this."___

_Looking me deep in the eyes, he ran his fingers tenderly down my cheek, and I didn't object as he gently pulled me down with him on the bed, tracing my collar bone with his tongue. "But you'll love this, I promise. Please, Bella, let me do this for you. I'll make you forget everything else."___

_How I just wanted to forget, even if it was just for a moment. Somewhere at the back of my mind, a little voice warned me I was doing this for the wrong reasons, but all of a sudden, I had lost the will to care. I just wanted to feel something other than grief and pain.___

_So I nodded, slipping my arms around his neck, and I felt a shiver of pleasure as his hand slid inside my pants. "Yes. Please, Jake, make me forget."_

I had gone so far as to allow Jake to remove my pants, only to panic at the last minute, pushing him away and yelling at him to stop. He had immediately obeyed, pulling back without hesitation and had even seemed genuinely concerned about me, but he didn't bother to hide his disappointment when I told him I wasn't ready to sleep with him.

After that day, things just hadn't been the same between us, and less than a week later - when he finally seemed to realize I was serious - he told me bluntly that we might as well start seeing other people. Although I was both hurt and humiliated, I wholeheartedly agreed. I wasn't going to waste another minute on Jacob Black.

And now he was here, having the nerve to ask me to forgive him. I looked him straight in the eyes. "You didn't care about my feelings. You just wanted me to be happy so I could make _you_ happy, and that's not how a relationship should work. If you really loved me, you should've accepted all of me. But you couldn't, and now you'll just have to deal with it. Don't ask for my forgiveness again."

His eyes darkened, and for a moment, I was convinced he was going to yell at me. But when he finally spoke up, there was nothing but sadness in his voice. "Sure, sure. I understand. I won't bother you again." I eyed him suspiciously as he reached out a tentative hand towards my face. "Goodbye, Bella."

At first I was too shocked to even realize what was happening when he leaned in to brush his lips against mine, but the moment I felt his breath on my face, I snapped out of the stupor and jumped back, staring at him incredulously. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

He actually looked surprised at my reaction. "I was just-"

That was how far he got before I punched him in the face.

**OoO**

**End Notes****: ****Like I said on Twitter, I've been nervous about posting a chapter before, but this is the first time I'm actually afraid. *****lol***


	74. Chapter 74

**A/N****: ****I seem to have gotten some new readers lately, and I can't tell you how much it means to me when you actually take the time to review more than just the last chapter. Thank you so much! Also, thank you to all my 'old' readers as well. :)**

OoO

**BPOV**

The moment after my fist connected with Jake's jaw, sharp pain shot through my hand, and I bit back a cry. It took about thirty seconds before I managed an attempt of flexing my fingers, relieved to find I still seemed to have full mobility - it would be just my luck to break something.

However, the look on his face was well worth it. He was staring at me in shock, his hand rubbing the spot where I had punched him, and while I had a feeling I was actually in more pain than he was right now, it was obvious he hadn't seen this coming. "You hit me," he stated stupidly, his voice thick with disbelief.

"I won't hesitate to do it again," I warned him, nursing my throbbing hand against my chest, which - unfortunately - didn't get by him.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, nodding at my hand. I glared at him, his concern doing nothing to pacify me.

_How dare he?_

"You tried to kiss me!" I cried out in fury. "After everything you've done, and more importantly - after I told you I'm seeing someone! What the hell were you thinking?"

He actually had the decency to look embarrassed. "Well, I wasn't, obviously," he mumbled, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"No kidding?" I shook my head, angrily. "You're unbelievable, you know that? What did you expect - that I would drop at your feet in gratitude and ask you to take me back?"

"No." He grimaced, all traces of his usual arrogance gone. "I thought... I don't know. I guess I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"Damn right, you shouldn't have," I muttered, ignoring his apology completely. Tears were burning in my eyes - I was absolutely livid. Once again, Jacob had stepped all over me without even considering the fact that I might not approve of his actions, without giving my feelings a second thought. But then again, I shouldn't really be surprised - it had always been about him.

Him, and his stupid _needs_. Ugh!

"It won't happen again," he assured me now, his words just fueling my anger. As if I would even give him the chance to pull a stunt like that again!

He was a selfish bastard, and I wanted to tell him as much; I wanted to yell and rant, but much to my horror, the only sound that escaped my throat was a choked sob. I just wanted to crawl into Edward's arms and stay there for the rest of my life, but Edward was 1500 miles away, quite possibly every bit as miserable as I was.

Why did I have to come here? I just wanted to go home.

"Bella?" Jacob sounded worried now, and I hated that I couldn't stop the tears from spilling down my face. "Hey, I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't mean to make you cry."

I let out a bitter laugh, brushing away the moisture from my cheeks. "I hate to break it to you, Jake, but not everything is about you. You couldn't possibly understand, and to be honest, I don't give a damn. I'm leaving now, and don't even think about trying to stop me, or I swear to God I won't leave your face intact the next time."

He gave me a skeptical look, clearly not considering me capable of causing any real damage, but wisely kept silent. Instead he just nodded in defeat, holding up both hands in surrender and took a step back. Not about to waste any more time arguing with him - even though a part of me knew I was letting him get away too easily - I spun around and strode off, not looking back once.

My tears had dried by the time I got back to the house, but the turmoil inside me had by no means settled down. I immediately spotted Phil, sitting on the couch in front of the TV - with the sound off, as if not wanting to risk missing any sign of my return - and I felt even worse for causing him to worry about me.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, stepping into the room as he reached for the remote and turned the TV off. "I shouldn't have left like that. I just-"

"Bella..." Phil cut me off, raising a hand to stop me. "You don't have to apologize. I understand why you left, and I don't blame you. I know it must be really hard for you, being back here." He paused. "This is what it's like for me all the time, Bella, living in this house, where I'm constantly reminded of..." A sigh escaped him. "Do you see now why I can't stay?"

I nodded, because I did. In fact, I had known all along, I just didn't want to admit it. "How could you stand it for this long?" I asked quietly. He patted the couch next to him, and I bit my lip as I slowly made my way over to him and sat down.

"It hasn't been easy," he admitted. "But I told myself I owed it to Renée, to her memory. I wasn't lucky enough to have her in my life for as long as you did, but the few years I did get to spend with her meant everything to me. If I could do it all over again, even knowing the outcome, I wouldn't change a thing."

I glanced at him. "Really?"

"Really." He hesitated a little. "I know this sounds like a cliché, and it probably won't bring you much comfort now, but as long as you will remember your mother, she will live on in your heart." A beat. "Holding on to that thought is what helps me make it through the night."

Realizing how unfair I had been to him about all of this, I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time about selling the house. I understand now. Really, I do."

He gave me a sad smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Thank you, Bella. It means a lot to me. But I owe you an apology as well. I should have been more considerate to your feelings, and not pushed you about dealing with your mom's belongings the moment you stepped through the door. I guess I just wanted to get it over with, but I should have waited. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course." I felt like crying again, but struggled to keep my emotions in check. In a way, I really wanted to get it over with as well, but at the same time, I didn't think I could bring up enough strength and energy to handle another journey down memory lane tonight. "Look, Phil, I know I can't put it off forever, but would you mind if we wait until morning?"

He waved his hand in dismissal. "That'll be fine, Bella. Do you want to do something else tonight? We could..." he thought quickly, "...watch some TV, or play a card game or something."

"Sure, I'd like that." I tried to smile. "I just need to make a phone call first. Is that okay?"

"Absolutely, go ahead." He got up from the couch. "I'll be in the kitchen. That way you'll get some privacy." A pause. "Oh, I put your bag up in your old room. Will that be all right? Otherwise I'll just move it into the guest room. It's no big deal."

I shook my head. "No, that's okay. I don't mind. In fact, I think I'll just go upstairs to make the call."

"Would you like me to go with you?" he asked in a casual voice. I appreciated his offer, knowing he worried that being back in my old room would upset me, but shook my head again, determined to do this by myself. Besides, I didn't really have any bad memories of that room. I would be okay.

Ar least that's what I thought, until I was curled up on my old bed, clutching my phone tightly in my hand as I waited for Edward to pick up. The moment I heard his voice, I fell apart.

"Bella?" Edward sounded close to panic when he heard me sobbing into the phone, and I couldn't blame him. "What's wrong, love? Talk to me!"

The pleading note in his voice only made my tears fall harder, although I tried pulling myself together. "I'm - I'm... o-okay," I managed to choke out, hating the idea of causing him distress with my breakdown. But I just wanted him to hold me, and I knew that wasn't possible.

"What happened?" he demanded, and I could imagine him pulling at his hair in frustration. "Bella, please, you're fucking killing me here! Are you hurt? Tell me what to do."

"I miss you," I whimpered, angry at myself for being so weak. Edward didn't need this from me. I wanted so badly to be strong for him, but much to my dismay, I found that I was failing.

**OoO******

**EPOV**

Normally I would've been thrilled to hear those words from Bella, but the way she was sniffling into the phone definitely diminished the joy. I took a deep breath, struggling to stay calm. As much as I wanted to just jump into my car and go get to her, I knew it was impossible. I had to be realistic - for the moment, this was as close to Bella as I would get.

"I miss you, too," I admitted helplessly, wishing I could just hold her and make her pain go away. It was killing me to hear the sadness and distress in her voice, and not being able to do a thing to help her.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled now, and I gripped my phone tighter, as if that would bring me closer to her. "I thought I could do this without..." I heard her take a shuddering breath. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Are you okay?"

Was she fucking serious? I shook my head. "Bella, forget about me. Just tell me why you're so upset. Please."

"I just..." There was a moment of silence, and I found myself holding my breath. Finally she spoke again, "It's just been a long day. And it's hard, being back here. I... wish you were here." She added the last part so softly I almost didn't hear her.

Almost.

"I'm so sorry," I croaked, feeling absolutely powerless as self-loathing started welling up inside me. Bella needed me, but because of my fucking issues, I couldn't just get on a plane like a normal person and be there for her. I really was the worst fucking boyfriend ever.

"Edward, don't," she pleaded, as if knowing exactly what I was thinking. "I didn't say that for you to feel guilty about not being here. I just wish I could be with you right now - here or in Forks, it doesn't really matter. I just want us to be together. I love you."

I squeezed my eyes shut, horrified I would start fucking bawling and she would end up being the one to fucking console _me_. "I love you, Bella," I told her sincerely, forcing myself to breathe as calmly as I could. "Believe me, there's nothing I'd want more than to be with you right now. Look, we've almost made it through the first day. Only..." I almost choked up, "...two days left."

"Right." I could hear her letting out a defeated sigh. At least her crying seemed to have stopped - for now.

I was a bit reluctant to ask, afraid my question wouldn't set her off again. But I desperately wanted to know. "Wanna tell me about your day?"

"Okay..." She was quiet for a few seconds, and I figured she was trying to decide where to start. "Phil picked me up at the airport. It was good to see him again. A little awkward, but... Well, anyway, we went to get pizza, and then we went back to the house." A pause. "I'm up in my old room now. It looks just the same as when I used to live here."

"Oh, well that's..." I hesitated a little, "...nice," I then finished lamely, rolling my eyes at myself. Nice? Was that really the best I could come up with?

She sighed again. "I don't know about that. It's weird being here, Edward. I mean, I know it's the same house I grew up in, but it doesn't feel like home anymore. It's just a house now." A beat. "I wanna go home."

I slumped down on my bed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I know, love. It's gonna be okay. You'll be back here before you know it, I promise. Two days is nothing." I honestly didn't know which one of us I was trying to convince the most, Bella or myself.

All I knew was that my girl was still upset, and I would do or say just about anything to make her feel better. My chest had literally ached when she told me in that small, dejected voice that she wanted to come home, and I had lied through my fucking teeth when I assured her it wouldn't be long.

_Two days is nothing,_ I had told her. Fucking bullshit! It felt like forever.

"Edward?" There was a sudden hint of uncertainty in Bella's voice. "There's more."

"What do you mean?" I was a little confused, but waited for her to go on.

"When we first arrived at the house, I sort of freaked out," she admitted. "My head started to hurt really bad, and then when Phil mentioned going through Mom's things, it all just became too much. So I took off for a while. I needed to get away."

I could definitely relate to that. If there was one thing I was familiar with, it was the feeling of being so completely overwhelmed with emotions and shit, running away seemed to be the only option, the only way to keep from going insane, to keep from exploding.

Bella continued in a low voice, "I ran into an old..." a pause, "..._friend_, if you can call him that. We had a... disagreement, of sorts. Anyway, that's the other reason I was so upset when I first called you. As if being back here isn't enough, I have to deal with an immature, self-centered moron as well." She let out a sound of annoyance.

"Him?" I echoed stupidly, just to make sure I had understood her correctly. "Your friend's a guy?" I really, _really_ didn't like the sound of that.

There was a brief moment of silence, and I realized I was clenching my fists as hard as I possibly could. Then Bella spoke up again, "Okay, when I said 'friend'... More of an acquaintance. But yes, his name's Jacob, and if I never see him again, it'll be too soon. The nerve of him..." She started to sound agitated again.

"What the fuck did he do?" I tried to remain calm, I really did, but I knew I was failing miserably. "Did he hurt you?" Bella actually burst out giggling, although it came out a little too hysterical for my liking. "Bella!" I all but yelled into the phone, unable to hold back my frustration.

"No, he didn't hurt me," she assured me, immediately sobering up. "Actually, I hurt him." She was quiet for a couple of seconds, and then, "I punched him in the face, Edward."

"You...?" I blinked, certain I had heard her wrong. Then an image of Bella, kicking Tyler Crowley in the balls, played up in my mind. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "Oh," I finished weakly. "Bella, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." She sounded embarrassed. "I mean, my hand hurt at first, but it's much better now. Look, Edward, I realize you have a lot of questions, and I'll tell you everything you want to know, but can it wait until I get back? Please? I know it was stupid of me to even bring it up in the first place, but..." her voice trailed off, and it suddenly hit me how utterly exhausted she sounded.

I could relate to that as well.

"Sure," I told her huskily, angry at myself for not being more considerate to her feelings, when she was obviously still under a lot of stress. Once again, I cursed myself for not being able to act like the supportive and understanding boyfriend she deserved.

How could I ever be good enough for her?

"I should probably go - Phil wants us to spend some quality time together." She sounded like she'd rather stay and talk to me, which made me feel somewhat better. "Edward?"

"Hm?" She was so far away. I just wanted to reach into the phone and grab her, pull her into my arms and never go.

"Will you call me tomorrow when you wake up?" She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn't see me. "Of course, if that's what you want."

"I do." She let out a miserable sigh. "I miss you so much, Edward. I can't wait to talk to you again." A beat. "I can't wait to _see_ you again. This sucks!"

"Yeah," I agreed, knowing it was time to get off the phone, but dreading the idea of saying goodbye. I took a deep breath, praying my voice wouldn't betray me. "Night, Bella. Talk to you tomorrow. I love you." It never ceased to amaze me how easily those words seemed to roll over my tongue now, or how much I enjoyed saying them.

Almost as much as I loved hearing them.

"Night, baby." I heard her sniffling softly, and it was like a stab in the chest.

I couldn't bring myself to press the button and disconnect the call until I heard the click on the other end. Then I tossed the phone to the side and fell back on the bed, pressed my fists against my stinging eyes and felt more lonely than ever.


	75. Chapter 75

**A/N****: Thank you all so much for your reviews! As for this chapter, it may be a good idea to bring out your tissues. Just a little warning...**

OoO

**EPOV**

_"Don't go," I pleaded, knowing it was pointless, and yet praying that just this once, my mother wouldn't leave. Of course, she did, not even bothering to throw a second look in my direction as she walked away from me, and I was all alone. Or was I? I could never know for sure.___

_The room was pitch-black, and while I knew that was probably a good thing, seeing how it should make it harder for him to locate me, the darkness still frightened me. Anything could be lurking in the shadows. That was when I heard a noise behind me, and somehow managed to hold back a whimper as I slid down on the floor, struggling not to make any sound as I hid in the darkest corner of the room.___

_Hiding was meaningless, I knew that, because he would always find me, but I couldn't help myself - I was terrified. I dreaded the pain, but even more so, I feared the lack of control, the feeling of being completely exposed and helpless. Once he got his hands on me, I was left at his mercy until he would decide I had suffered enough - for the moment. ___

_"Edward? Where are you, son? I can't help you if you won't talk to me." Carlisle's voice, coming from the hallway outside my room. Hope and relief welled up inside me and I opened my mouth, only to stop myself as I sensed a movement next to me, and I froze in my tracks, not daring to respond and reveal my position.___

_He was here. He had been in here all along, just waiting. ___

_"If you get over here right now, I'll go easy on you this time," James told me in a low, almost kind voice, but I wasn't fooled. I knew he was lying, because he would never 'go easy' on me. And he knew that I knew - he was just taunting me, playing with me. It was all just a game to him, I realized that now. ___

_But I also knew it didn't really make any difference if I had done something wrong or not - he would punish me anyway. Because that's what he did. If I was bad, he would hurt me. If I wasn't, then he would still hurt me, and tell me I had been bad and therefor deserved it. And I would believe him.___

_"There's no food in the house," Emmett grumbled, rummaging through the fridge with his back towards me. Then he glanced at me over his shoulder. "Let's play video games. __I'm bored."___

_"Emmett?" __I croaked, blinking in surprise. My eyes darted around the room in alarm, but James was nowhere to be seen. "What are you doing here?"___

_"I live here," was his clever response. He closed the door to the fridge and turned around to face me. "Why are you hiding? You know that'll only make things worse."___

_That was true. I didn't dare to believe I was out of the woods, just because James seemed to have disappeared for the moment. I wasn't that lucky. "He's still around here somewhere," I whispered, wanting nothing more than to get up and run, but found that I couldn't move. "Do you see him?"___

_He shook his head, taking a huge bite of the large slice of pizza in his hand. "There's just the two of us here."___

_"Last warning, boy," James drawled, and I jumped when I felt him breathing against my neck, reeking of alcohol. "Get up and face the wall."___

_Emmett just kept eating.___

_A choked sob escaped me. "Please, don't hurt me." ___

_"You know why I'm doing this," James told me, menacingly. "I want to hear you say it."___

_"Don't say it," Alice pleaded, tears trickling down her face as she watched me from across the room. "I don't blame you, Edward. I want you to trust me. Can I touch you?"___

_Looking at her with wide eyes, I then nodded, hesitating briefly before reaching out my hand in her direction, silently begging her to save me. But she remained where she was, making no attempt of moving towards me. "Alice?" I asked in confusion.___

_She was gone.___

_"They won't help you." James laughed, mockingly.___

_"We wanted to help you, Edward, we really did." Esme sighed, sounding regretful as she went on, "I'm sorry, sweetie. We tried, but you wouldn't let us. It's out of our hands."___

_I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing that when I opened them again, she would be gone. And I was right. James grinned down at me, his eyes cold as ice.___

_"Bella..." I all but whimpered, my eyes searching desperately for the one person I had come to trust with my life, who had promised me she wouldn't let go, no matter what. ___

_"Oh, didn't you hear?" James grabbed my arm, jerking me to my feet and slamming me into the wall. His face was mere inches away from mine as he practically spat out the next words. "She's not coming back!"_

I jolted awake, a silent cry stuck in my throat.

**OoO**

"You look like you've had a rough night," Carlisle stated when I got downstairs the next morning, a sympathetic look on his face. I merely grunted in response. He cast a look at his watch. "I don't need to be at the hospital for another couple of hours. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," I muttered, slumping down on a chair. The truth was, I felt like shit, and if it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to avoid falling asleep again at all costs, I would have gladly stayed in bed for the rest of the weekend. But sleeping meant dreaming, and I wasn't about to risk having another nightmare.

Hell, I was still shaken up after the last one. Just thinking about it now made me shiver.

He watched me with a thoughtful expression. "If you are worried about tomorrow-"

"What, you'll call the whole thing off?" I interrupted him, raising a brow. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, and I rolled my eyes. "Didn't think so."

Carlisle sighed. "I would if I could, you know that." I didn't respond. He hesitated a little. "Edward, I know you're going through a rough time right now, with Bella being away and Victoria's visit coming up. Just remember, you're not alone. I want to help you, but I can't do that if you won't talk to me."

I froze at his words and my head snapped in his direction. My heart started beating faster as I recalled him saying almost the exact same thing in my nightmare. "What the fuck do you mean by that?" I demanded, hating how my voice trembled.

He looked surprised. "I mean exactly what I say, Edward. If you won't tell me what's bothering you, I'll have no way of making the situation easier for you. If you don't want to talk about it, you have to at least tell me what to do, what you need."

I swallowed hard, shaking my head. "I don't know what the fuck I need."

_Bella,_ the little voice inside my head whispered, stubbornly. But Bella wasn't here.

_"Didn't you hear? She's not coming back!"_

I felt a chill run down my spine, hearing James' voice in my head just as clear had he been in the same room. Looking around wildly, my eyes then landed on Carlisle, and I didn't miss the look of concern on his face. "Going fucking crazy here," I muttered, looking down at my hands. They were shaking, badly.

"You will be fine," Carlisle insisted, placing his hand gently on my arm, and I found myself relaxing, ever so slightly.

I raised my head, and our eyes met. He watched me calmly. "Just like you're fine with my touch." I looked down at his hand, still on my arm, strangely fascinated. He cleared his throat. "You probably don't remember this, but back when we first met - at the hospital in Chicago - you would also settle down when I touched you."

Clearly seeing my shocked expression, he clarified, "You were barely awake when they brought you in, and during the first couple of days, you went in and out of consciousness. You know I stayed with you most of the time?" I nodded - not actually remembering, but people had told me as much, and I saw no reason to doubt them.

He went on, something in his voice changing, "Even when you were out of it, you would still tense up whenever someone else entered the room, as if you knew on some level that a potential threat was approaching. I would talk to you, trying to assure you that you were safe, and I suppose you had gotten used to my voice, because whenever I stepped inside, you remained calm."

I stared at him with wide eyes. "I didn't know that."

A sad smile appeared on his face. "You couldn't. I never told you, and I doubt anyone else was aware. Anyway, since you were asleep for long periods at a time, and considering everything you'd been through, I figured it was only natural for you to suffer from horrible nightmares. It didn't take long for me to learn the pattern, and I was able to tell when your demons were haunting you."

I remained silent, waiting for him to continue. This was all news to me, and I didn't know how I felt about it. I didn't like talking about anything related to my stay at the hospital - I didn't remember much of it, and the few vague memories I _did_ have were far from pleasant.

Still, he had piqued my curiosity. I sucked in a breath, and tried bracing myself for a trip down memory lane.

_"Where's... my mom?" I swallowed - my throat was burning and I had to struggle to get the words out, force my mouth to move. It felt strange, and I didn't like it.___

_He didn't respond right away, and I feared my question had upset him. I just couldn't understand why. Finally he spoke up, softly, "I don't know, son. I'm sorry."___

_Why would that make him sorry? I tried blinking a couple of times, hoping it would help me regain my full vision. When it didn't, I gave up and turned my head away. "She's not coming," I whispered, thinking he wouldn't hear me.___

_But he had. "I'll make sure she will," he told me in a quiet, yet firm voice, and I found myself believing him. So I shook my head, the small movement making me dizzy.___

_If she came here, she would bring_ him.

"I would place my hand on your shoulder, or your arm, whenever you became agitated," Carlisle continued, his voice bringing me back to reality. "Of course, I was cautious at first, having witnessed your reaction to physical contact first hand the night they brought you in. But somehow, it made you relax, settle down."

"I don't remember," I mumbled, feeling pretty stupid. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He sighed. "Unfortunately, it didn't have the same effect when you were awake."

I wanted to ask why, but figured he wouldn't have any answer. Maybe this was why I had always - on some level - felt more comfortable around Carlisle than any other male, even though I still wouldn't allow him to come too close. Well, not until just recently, anyway.

Maybe that was also the reason I hadn't freaked out _completely_ when he had first informed me I was coming home with him. It was all coming back to me now.

_"Edward, there's something I want to discuss with you." I turned my head in his direction, watching him with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I done something wrong? I felt my heart pounding in my chest. Was_ he _coming here? There had been no sign of him so far, but that didn't mean he had forgotten about me.___

_Carlisle held up his hand in a calming gesture, obviously sensing my rising distress. "Everything's okay, don't worry. Your physical injuries are healing quite nicely, and you won't have to stay here at the hospital much longer. However, we need to talk about what's going to happen next."___

_Terror welled up inside me at his words. I hated being here, but I dreaded the thought of going back home even more. As much as I struggled to stay strong, I was unable to stop the tears from spilling down my face, and I started sobbing in fear. I jumped when I felt the bed shift and he sat down next to me, thankfully leaving some distance between us. ___

_"It's all right, son, you won't have to go back there. Just calm down and let me explain." He sounded so honest, so sincere, and I found myself relaxing a little. Embarrassed by my emotional outburst, I quickly wiped my eyes. ___

_Besides, crying and showing fear had always led to punishment so far. I felt myself tensing up again.___

_"I told you the other day I have a wife named Esme," he went on, his voice calm and soothing. "She's here today, and she would like to meet you. I think you will like her - she's a very kind woman." A pause. "Esme and I both hope you would like to come live with us in Forks."_

"Do you..." I began hesitantly, but the words got stuck in my throat. There was something I was dying to ask, but at the same time, I was terrified of the answer. Carlisle just looked at me, patiently, as if he was willing to wait the rest of his life for me to gather enough courage to finish my sentence. I took a deep breath and started over, "Do you ever regret...?"

"Never," he replied firmly, the conviction in his voice leaving no room for doubt. "We've never once regretted taking you in, Edward, even for a second." He looked me straight in the eyes, and I knew then he was telling the truth. I let out the breath I had been holding and nodded in acceptance, not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak.

After our talk, I actually felt somewhat better, and the rest of the morning passed relatively quickly. I went to call Bella after breakfast, and noted with relief that she sounded a little less upset today, although there was still a hint of sadness in her voice when she told me she and Phil were going to go through her mother's things after lunch. I wished - and not for the first time - that I could be there and help her.

I almost told Bella about the dreaded appointment with Mrs. Masen the next day, but at the last second decided against it. She had enough to think about as it was, and in all honesty, I didn't want to talk about it. Bella would without a doubt try to make me feel better, but I just couldn't see how that was possible at the moment.

Before we hung up, she told me she loved me, and my heart swelled at her words. If only she would come home now, everything would be right in the world.

Okay, not entirely true. I still had tomorrow to get through. The more I thought about it, the more agitated I became, and I recalled the first time I had met Victoria Masen, about three months after I had moved in with the Cullens.

_"We'll be right outside, son," Carlisle assured me, and Esme nodded in agreement. "Now remember, all you have to do is try to answer her questions, and if - at any time - you feel uncomfortable, just come and get us. Do you understand?"___

_When I nodded, it was only to appease him - I knew I wouldn't get them, no matter how uncomfortable this woman made me feel. I never asked for anything - I didn't have the right. Carlisle may insist on calling me 'son', but I wasn't his son, and I never would be. ___

_"So, Edward..." The woman - Mrs. Masen - watched me closely, and I shrank back into the couch, not liking the attention. Her hair was red like fire, and her voice was too loud. She intimidated me, and I had a feeling she noticed - and that it pleased her. "How are the Cullens treating you so far?"___

_"Good," I mumbled, keeping my head downcast as I hoped my reply would be enough to satisfy her. But the way she sighed - loudly - told me it wasn't.___

_"Could you elaborate a little?" she asked, although the tone of her voice indicated it wasn't really a question.___

_I swallowed, not understanding what she wanted to hear. Having accidentally overheard Esme and Carlisle talking one day, I had gotten the impression that this woman had the power to decide whether or not I was allowed to stay here, and I was absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing, giving her a reason to send me away.___

_Send me back.___

_"They're treating me really well," I whispered in a trembling voice, hating that I had to sit here and talk to this stranger, but scared of what would happen if I didn't. It was true, though, the Cullens had been very good to me, although I wouldn't dare letting my guard down and believe it would actually last.___

_Every day, every moment, could be the last before they decided they'd had enough and that I wasn't worth the trouble. Then what would happen to me?___

_"And you've been behaving, I take it?" The corner of her mouth twitched.___

_I felt my throat tighten and my eyes shot to hers in alarm. How should I respond to that? I knew I was bad, having been told that on a daily basis for as long as I could remember, but telling her so would probably make her angry. ___

_When I remained silent, she raised a brow in question, and I felt the panic rising. Suddenly it all became too much, and I failed to hold back a choked sob. I wanted to run, but I couldn't get my body to move. In that moment, I couldn't even breathe. My entire body was shaking and the world became blurry.___

_And then everything went dark._

I had come to realize the Cullens actually did see me as part of the family, and I was no longer fully convinced they would send me back to Chicago if I didn't happen to have all the correct answers to Mrs. Masen's questions. But that didn't mean I felt comfortable around her. She still made me feel inferior, powerless. Out of place.

Every time I saw her, I was brought back to that first day, every time I had to talk to her, I was once again reduced to that terrified little boy who had no idea what to do, what to expect. I hated it.

And now - about this time tomorrow - I had no choice but to go through it again.


	76. Chapter 76

**A/N****: As always, I want to thank all my wonderful readers for your kind reviews, reading them just make my entire day, even though I sadly don't have the time to respond to all of you. Don't think for a second that I don't appreciate all your support for this story. hugs you all**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

After my semi-breakdown when I first entered the house, I was certain I would have trouble falling asleep that night. In fact, I didn't expect to get much sleep at all, but to my great surprise, I had drifted off only minutes after laying down and putting my head on the pillow. And what surprised me even more was that I woke up the next morning feeling almost perfectly rested.

The house was holding memories - some pleasant, others painful - but I realized now that my old room was still just a room, and my old bed was still just a bed. I didn't suffer from any nightmares, like I had feared, but even though I had never been a morning person, a part of me was still relieved when I was woken by the buzzing sound of the alarm clock at 8:30.

One night down - one to go.

Tomorrow night, I'd be going back home - to Edward. Of course, since I wouldn't be in Forks until somewhere around midnight, I would still have to wait until morning to see him, but I pushed that depressing thought to the back of my mind for now.

Taking a quick shower and getting dressed, I then made my way down the stairs. I found Phil in the kitchen, drinking coffee while reading the morning paper, and it made me think of Charlie. For a brief moment, I worried about his eating habits now when I was away, but then I remembered that my father had actually managed to survive for years without me there to cook for him.

"Morning, Bella." Phil put the paper down. "There's some toast over there if you're hungry, and there's orange juice in the fridge. Unless you prefer coffee." He gave me an uncertain look.

I shook my head. "That'll be fine. Thanks."

My cell phone rang just as I had finished my breakfast, and my face lit up when I saw Edward's name on the display. Quickly excusing myself, I hurried out of the kitchen, not feeling comfortable taking the call with Phil in the same room. "Hello?" I answered breathlessly.

"Morning, love." Edward sounded calm, but at the same time, slightly off. "How'd you sleep?"

"Better than expected, actually," I admitted, slumping down on a chair. "What about you?" When he just mumbled something I couldn't make out, and then went on to ask me about my plans for the day, I couldn't help my concern. "Edward, is something wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He sighed, and when he went on, I noted that he sounded a little tired. "Really, Bella, I'm fine. I just miss you."

I practically melted on the spot - I could definitely relate to that. "I miss you, too, baby. So, so much. You have no idea."

"Oh, I think I do." He let out a groan of frustration. "Fuck, Bella, I think I'm going insane here. I just wish..." his voice trailed off.

"What?" I asked, wanting nothing more than to just hug him close and never let go. He suddenly sounded so sad, and it was killing me.

"Nothing. So, what are you doing after breakfast?" He seemed to be a little less gloomy, and a bit more optimistic, but I got the feeling he was just putting on a show for my benefit, which bothered me, although I decided not to push him about it.

"I don't know. I'll probably just hang out here, with Phil." I bit my lip. "We're gonna go through my mom's things after lunch."

"Oh." There was a moment of silence. "Are you gonna be okay?"

I didn't want to lie to Edward, but I hated the idea of him worrying about me. "I guess so," I finally mumbled, wishing I could bring myself to sound at least a little more convincing. But I was pretty sure he would just see right through me.

We talked a bit more, mostly about trivial stuff, although I once again felt like there was something he wasn't telling me. I didn't call him on it, though, telling myself I was just being paranoid. But deep down, I couldn't help but feel like he was keeping something important from me.

"You know I love you," I told him sincerely, hoping to encourage him into opening up to me, but whatever he was hiding - assuming there even was something - he was obviously not going to cave and share his thoughts with me right now. At least he said the words back, which put a happy smile on my face.

I would never get tired of hearing Edward saying that he loved me. Just like I would never get tired of telling him I felt the same way.

A couple of hours later, I was sitting on the floor, indian style, up in the attic looking through an old photo album. Phil was making himself busy dragging some dusty, old boxes across the room, no doubt wanting to give me some space. It was considerate of him, I suppose, but I couldn't help but feel like he was trying to avoid talking. I knew this had to be hard for him as well.

I had to smile at a picture of me as a toddler, dressed as a ballerina and looking into the camera with a big, goofy grin on my face. Then my eyes landed on another picture, where I was peeking up behind a huge birthday cake with whipped cream on my nose, my mom and dad both laughing happily in the background, and a wave of sadness welled over me. I closed the album.

"Hey, do you remember this?" I turned to Phil and saw that he was holding up a small, delicate jewelry box. It was blue and white, with silver colored flowers. He chuckled. "Renée loved this box, and so did you. You kept stealing it, and then claimed to have no idea how it always ended up in your room."

"I was twelve!" I defended myself, but then giggled. "Yeah, I remember. You gave it to Mom on her birthday, and I was so jealous. I thought it was the prettiest thing I had ever seen." Phil handed the box to me, and I ran my fingers longingly over the lid. When I tried to give it back to him, he shook his head, insisting I'd keep it. "Thanks," I whispered, trying to smile.

"I was thinking of visiting the grave tomorrow," Phil told me quietly after a couple of minutes of silence. "Would you like to come?"

Hesitating a little, I then nodded. "Okay." He nodded as well and we fell back into silence, both of us wrapped up in our own memories. Finally I glanced at him. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?" A part of me didn't want to hear the answer, and yet I couldn't help but wonder. After all, he was not that old.

"Wow, Bella..." He stood up with a sigh. "I honestly don't know what to tell you. Right now, my spontaneous answer would be never. I loved Renée with all my heart, and a part of me always will. But..." He looked me right in the eyes. "To tell the truth, I can't see myself falling in love again. But I can't tell you what's going to happen in the future. Because you never know."

I nodded in acceptance, blinking back tears. As much as I wanted him to promise that he would never look at another woman again, I knew I had to be realistic. Besides, Phil was a good man, and I didn't want him to spend the rest of his life alone. It wouldn't be fair to him, and I figured my mom would want him to be happy. That was the kind of person she was - kind and selfless.

"You know, I'm seeing someone." My eyes widened at my confession, because I had never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my personal life. I didn't know what possessed me to bring it up, but it was too late to take it back now. "His name is Edward."

"Really?" Phil looked a little surprised at first, but then he smiled. "That's great, Bella. I hope he's treating you well."

"Phil!" I protested, blushing furiously. "Really, Edward is wonderful. Actually, I..." I stopped myself abruptly, realizing I had been about to admit that I was in love. It wasn't that I was ashamed of my feelings, but I didn't know how Phil would react. We used to be pretty close, but there were certain things we never got to talk about, love and potential relationships being one of them.

Yeah, I never told him much about me and Jake. Phil and my mom both knew we were dating, but that was pretty much it, even though Renée had tried to get me to open up to her more than once. In many ways, she had been almost like a teenager, loving to gossip and talk about boys. Now I kind of wished I had talked to her more, even if it definitely would've been embarrassing at the time.

I let out a wistful sigh. Phil and I talked some more - we both laughed and cried as we shared memories and stories of the past - and while the rest of the afternoon went by without too much drama, all in all, it turned out to be a really long day. We had dinner in the dining room that night - Phil insisted on cooking instead of ordering in - and by the time we had finished eating, I was exhausted.

Although I was really tired and felt like I was minutes away from falling asleep, I grabbed my phone and called Edward as I curled up in bed, longing to hear his voice again. He picked up right away, and I couldn't help but wonder if he had just been waiting for me to call.

"Hey, Bella." I frowned, because just like this morning, he sounded sad. Or maybe not sad as much as... off, like something was troubling him. I knew he was probably missing me just as much as I missed him, but if that was the only thing bothering him, shouldn't he at least perk up a little when I called? No, something was definitely not right here.

"What's going on?" I tried to sound demanding, but it came out more as a plea. "Edward, did something happen? Don't give me this 'I'm fine' crap, because I'm not buying it. Please, tell me what's wrong."

I heard him sigh on the other end. "It's nothing, Bella. Look, you must be tired. We can talk about this when you get back."

If he thought I was letting him get away that easily, he was mistaken. "So you're saying there _is_ something to talk about? Then it can't be nothing. I'm serious, Edward, I've had a long day, but I'm not that tired." When he remained silent, I took a deep breath, feeling like either screaming or crying in frustration. "I'm not trying to push you here, I'm just worried about you. Can't you see that?"

"I know." His voice cracked, and I suddenly felt like the most horrible person in the world, not to mention the biggest hypocrite ever. Last night, I had practically begged Edward not to ask me more about Jake until I got home, and he had agreed without objections, even though it had to be killing him.

"I'm sorry." I swallowed. "You don't have to tell me anything, I just..." God, how I wished I was back in Forks. "I love you," I finished, weakly.

"Bella..." I could tell by his voice that he was struggling to hold himself together. "I love you, too, and it's not that I don't want to talk to you, never think that." A pause. "You're right, there _is_ something going on, and I'm obviously not handling it very well. It's a long story, and as much as I'd like to tell you all about it, talking won't really help right now. Trust me, Bella, I don't want to upset you."

I felt like my head was spinning. He was worried about upsetting me? Didn't he realize there was nothing that could upset me more than knowing he was in pain, and not being able to do anything? How could I possibly make him feel better if I didn't know what was happening?

A part of me wanted to keep pushing, forcing him to talk to me and hopefully give both of us some peace of mind, but I knew I could never do that. So I told him I understood, even though every cell in my body was screaming in protest. When we hung up - after once again declaring our love and promise to talk again in the morning - I buried my face in my pillow and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was shining brightly into the room, and I sat up in bed with a start, realizing I must have turned off the alarm in my sleep, because it was already past ten. I jumped out of bed so fast I gave myself a head rush, shocked that I had slept for so long.

I quickly reached for the phone and called Edward, but he didn't pick up, so I left him a message on the voice mail, saying good morning and apologizing again for being pushy last night. Then I told him I loved him and finished by asking him to give me a call later when he got the chance.

Phil greeted me when I got downstairs, waving away my apology for sleeping in. For some reason, things just weren't the same between us as they had once been - we both seemed too focused on acting polite towards one another to fall completely back into the comfortable friendship we'd had going when we lived together.

In a way, it made me sad, but I decided it was just life. Renée had obviously been the glue holding us together, and now when she was gone, well, I figured Phil and I didn't really have much in common anymore. I still referred to him as my stepfather, but I knew that was just because he was married to my mom.

Phil had always been great to me, but Charlie was - and had always been - my real dad, even though we hadn't really been close while I was growing up. I suppose blood really was thicker than water. It suddenly hit me that I missed Charlie, and I made a mental note to give him a call right after breakfast. I had spoken to him briefly the day before, but that was just me calling to check in.

As it turned out, my dad was really happy to hear from me, and we talked for a while, although we never got into any deeper conversation. That was okay, though, it was just the way things were supposed to be. I told him Phil and I were going to visit Mom's grave this afternoon, and there was an awkward moment when Charlie asked me to bring a flower from him. I think we both teared up a little. We ended the call pretty quickly after that.

The rest of the morning went by. I tried to call Edward a few more times, only to get his voice mail every time, and I was starting to panic. What the hell was going on? I tried to think rationally - if something was seriously wrong, surely Alice or someone would have contacted me.

Alice! I nearly slapped myself for not thinking of her sooner, and quickly browsed through my phone book until I found her number - which didn't take long, seeing how she was the first person on my contact list. Much to my relief, she picked up right away, and just like Charlie, she sounded happy I was calling. "Hi, Bella!" she chirped.

"Hi, Alice." I hesitated, feeling a bit bad for calling her and immediately asking about Edward, but I couldn't help myself - I was too worried to make any small talk. "Um, do you know why Edward's not answering his phone? I've tried calling him several times. Is he okay?"

There was a moment of silence, and I thought my heart was going to stop. Then she spoke up, an uncertain note in her voice, "So he didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Frustration welled up inside me - Alice obviously knew what was going on. "Alice, please, I have no idea what you're talking about. He's not hurt or anything, is he?"

_Oh God, please let him be okay..._

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that," she hurried to assure me, and I let out a shuddering breath of relief. "He's just... busy at the moment. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it when-"

I cut her off, not wanting to be rude, but she had to give me a little more than that. "Busy? Doing what?"

Alice sighed. "Bella, I don't know why, but Edward must've had some reason for not saying anything to you. I don't think I should..." she stopped and let out another sigh. "Oh, hell! Did Edward ever tell you about a woman named Victoria Masen?"

My eyes widened in recognition, and a conversation I'd been having with Esme what seemed like ages ago played up in my mind. It was back when Edward and I had just started to get to know each other, and her words now rang in my head.

_"Victoria Masen is the social worker connected to Edward's case. There's a lot more to the story, though, but you will have to ask him for any details."_

"What about her?" I asked quietly, a sinking feeling in my stomach.

It took a moment before Alice responded, and I had a strong feeling she wished she hadn't brought it up. "Well, actually, she's here at the house right now."

**OoO**

**End Notes****:** **Yeah, yeah. I know. Cliffie again. You should know how much I like them by now, so don't act like you're surprised. :)**


	77. Chapter 77

**A/N****: To the anonymous reviewer who felt it necessary to inform me that this is the worst story ever and not giving me a chance to respond in person: I'm sorry you wasted so much time reading 76 chapters of this horrible story. Now, I would like to thank all of my faithful readers for sticking with me and Lonerward, your kind words and support mean the world to me.**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

"Phil!" I prayed I wouldn't trip as I ran down the stairs, carrying my bag in one hand and clutching my cell phone in the other. The same moment I reached the bottom of the stairs, he appeared in the doorway. "I need the number to the airport," I explained, slightly out of breath. "I have to go home."

"What?" His eyes went from my face to my bag, and then back to me again. "Bella, your plane won't leave until six."

"I know that." I struggled not to roll my eyes. "That's why I have to catch an earlier flight. There's been an emergency, and I need to get home as soon as possible."

At the word 'emergency', Phil's expression turned from confusion to concern. "What happened? Is Charlie okay?"

"Yeah, Charlie's fine." I waved my hand in dismissal, annoyed, because this was a waste of my time. "Please, Phil, I really have to go."

"Bella, you're not making any sense." He looked at me in bewilderment. "What happened that is so important that you can't wait until tonight?"

I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears from falling. "My boyfriend needs me."

He looked skeptical for a moment, but I guess he must have seen something in my eyes that told him I was dead serious, because he finally let out a sigh of defeat and scratched the back of his head. "All right, give me a moment to start up my laptop. It'll probably be easier to book the ticket online - assuming there are any. But Bella, I wouldn't get my hopes up."

Fearing he was right, I nearly wept in relief when Phil looked up from his computer ten minutes later. "You're lucky - there's a plane that leaves at two, and it looks like there's still a couple of empty seats left. You want me to book you one?" I nodded eagerly, and he clicked a few buttons. "Done."

I let out the breath I had been holding - it looked like I would actually be able to get back to Edward tonight after all. Now I just had to call Charlie and let him know about the change of plans, so he could pick me up when I got to Port Angeles. I gave him a shaky smile. "Thank you, Phil. You have no idea how much this means to me."

After Alice's revelation about Victoria, I knew I couldn't wait until morning - Edward needed me now. She had tried to assure me he would be fine until I got back, that he had been dealing with Victoria before, and knew what he was getting into, but I was unable to take any comfort from her words. Of course he wouldn't be 'fine', when forced to deal with someone from his past.

Okay, so technically, Victoria wasn't really part of Edward's past, seeing how she had gotten involved _after_ he came to live with the Cullens - I knew that much - but still. For once, Alice had been reluctant to talk and had pretty much clammed up after telling me about the social worker being at their house, insisting I had to ask Edward for any further details, and I knew I couldn't really blame her.

But that didn't stop me from freaking out. It was all making sense to me now, the way Edward had seemed troubled and distant the last couple of times we had been talking. What I failed to understand, though, was why he hadn't just told me the truth. Unless...

I nearly groaned out loud when I recalled Edward telling me that he didn't want to upset me. So that was why? He had been keeping it all inside just so _I_ wouldn't worry? I felt a lump in my throat, and my heart broke for him. Didn't he realize by now that I would do anything to take his pain away? We really needed to have that talk, and soon.

Phil's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Are you ready? We better hurry." I gave him a look of confusion, and he clarified, "Your plane leaves in less than three hours, Bella. If we're going to visit Renée's grave, we need to get going."

"Oh. Right." My heart sank. There was still that. He gave me a sympathetic look, and I forced a smile. "Let's go, then. We need to get flowers." He nodded and grabbed his car keys, and we were out the door.

After making a quick stop at the flower shop, Phil headed straight for the cemetery, which wasn't more than a ten-minutes drive from the house. He led the way to the familiar head stone, stood there in silence for a moment, and then carefully touched my shoulder, telling me he would be waiting by the car.

I nodded, grateful to get some privacy, and sank down on the soft grass in front of the grave. "Hi, Mom," I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks as I ran my hand softly over the cold stone. I could feel the beginning of a headache, almost like a warning, and was happy I had remembered to bring my pills. Still, something kept me from taking one.

Instead I took a deep breath, and started talking about what was going on in my life. The first time I had come here, a few days after the funeral, I had just been sitting in silence for hours. It had seemed weird and unnatural, talking to a stone, but now, I couldn't help but feel like my mom was actually around, listening.

It was a nice feeling, and it wasn't until later that I realized the pain had stopped before it had really started. The small bottle of pills remained in my pocket, untouched.

For some reason, it didn't feel strange - or awkward - at all, telling my mom about me and Edward. I told her all about how much he meant to me, how much I missed him, and I just knew she and Edward would have liked each other if they had ever gotten the chance to meet in person.

"I'll be back, Mom," I promised as I finally got to my feet, brushing the grass off my clothes. "And some day, I'll try to bring Edward." I couldn't help but hope that - some day - Edward would get past his phobia of crowded places, at least enough to be able to get on a plane. There was a whole world out there, and I wished we would both get a chance to see it.

I had always wanted to go to Venice, for one thing.

When I got back to the car, I asked Phil if he would mind me walking back instead of riding with him. There was still about an hour and a half before I had to be at the airport, and my bag was already packed and waiting in the trunk. It wouldn't take me more than half an hour tops to get back to the house on foot, and to be honest, I wanted some time to clear my head before I would have to say goodbye, not only to Phil, but to my old life as well.

Luckily, Phil seemed to understand, because he just nodded in acceptance and told me we'd meet up back at the house.

It felt good to walk, feeling the warm breeze in my hair and the sun on my bare arms, but my thoughts immediately drifted back to Edward. I had already called him at least half a dozen times today, and my fingers itched to just pick up my phone and give it another try, but the rational part of me told me that Edward would get back to me when he was ready.

Picking up my speed, I tried convincing myself that things would be okay, that it was pointless to get myself so worked up when there was absolutely nothing I could do from here. But I couldn't keep myself from worrying anyway. I was only a couple of blocks from the house when I was snapped out of my troubled thoughts by a familiar voice, calling out my name, and my eyes widened in disbelief.

_You have got to be kidding me!_

I spun around, glaring at Jacob in exasperation. "Are you stalking me now? Why won't you just leave me alone?"

Having half expected one of his usual cocky remarks, I was a bit taken aback when he actually appeared to be ashamed. "No, I wasn't stalking you. I was just hoping to run into you again." I opened my mouth, but he cut me off, "Bella, I know you probably hate me, but I couldn't just let you go back to Forks without seeing you again. I need you to know that I really am sorry about what happened."

"You just never change, do you?" I closed my eyes briefly, and when I spoke up again, I was surprised to hear that my voice sounded almost calm. "I thought I told you not to ask for my forgiveness again, but as always, you don't listen. It's still all about what _you_ need. You need to grow up, Jake, and realize you can't always have it your way. Life doesn't work like that."

As much as I wanted to yell at him, possibly punch him again, or at the very least tell him to just go to hell, it suddenly seemed meaningless to waste any more energy on arguing with him. I knew what was important to me, and Jacob Black meant nothing.

"I know that," he muttered, looking down at his feet. "I just don't want you to be mad at me anymore."

"_You_ don't want..." I shook my head, struggling to keep my patience, because he still didn't get it. "What about what _I_ want, Jake? Maybe I want to be mad at you, ever think of that?"

"Well, you shouldn't." He raised his head. "I'm not worth the effort."

I blinked in shock, because I hadn't expected that. Of course, that didn't mean I didn't agree. "You're right about that," I mumbled. He looked at me as if I had actually hurt his feelings, and to my irritation, I felt a bit bad. "Look," I sighed, "I don't really hate you, even though I probably should. Maybe some day I'll be able to forgive you, but I'm not there yet. If you can't accept that, well, frankly, I don't care."

He nodded. "Fair enough." A pause. "I hope your new boyfriend treats you better than I did, Bella. I mean it."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes, because I wouldn't put it past him to just say what he thought I wanted to hear.

Jacob tilted his head to the side. "So, this is really goodbye, then. I mean, I probably won't see you again, right?" There was a hint of genuine sadness in his voice, and for some reason, I almost felt for him. Maybe he truly regretted his actions after all.

"No, I don't think so," I told him honestly. After a brief moment of hesitation, I added, "Well, take care."

"You too, Bella." The corner of his mouth twitched, and a familiar smirk appeared on his face. "I promise I won't try to kiss you this time. I like my face intact."

This time, I did roll my eyes. "Goodbye, Jake."

"Goodbye, Bella." I turned and walked away from him, knowing he was watching me, but I didn't look back once.

It was time to go home.

**OoO******

**EPOV**

I was a fucking wreck. If the last couple of days had been bad, it was nothing compared to how I felt Monday morning - the day I had dreaded for weeks. I had been lying awake most of the night, tossing and turning in my bed, and when I finally did manage to drift off, my sleep had been far from peaceful.

As much as I wanted to call Bella first thing in the morning, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew the moment I would hear her voice, I would most likely break down and tell her everything, because there was no way I would be able to hide my fear of Victoria's upcoming visit from her, and I didn't want Bella to know just how freaked out I really was, when I was certain it would just upset her.

So I did the only thing I could think off - I turned my phone off, and felt like the biggest ass in the world for avoiding her like a fucking coward. I could only hope she would understand and forgive me.

Carlisle had tried to give me another one of his pep talks during breakfast when I flat out refused to eat anything, the mere thought of food making my stomach turn. But the warning look I gave him obviously made him decide against it, and he fell silent, leaving me to wallow in anxiety and self-pity.

Esme tried as well, sitting down next to me and asking in a gentle voice if there was anything she could do, and I had snapped at her, pretty much telling her to leave me the fuck alone. She didn't appear to be angry, nor hurt by my harsh words, instead she just offered me a sad smile and gave my arm a soft squeeze before getting up again, and I felt even worse.

But I couldn't accept any comfort from either of them, knowing that if I did, I would fall apart and start bawling like a terrified little kid, making a complete fool of myself in front of all of them. So I lashed out instead, not knowing any other way to handle the situation, even though I knew perfectly well it was wrong.

Alice and Emmett didn't even attempt to talk to me, pretty much eating their breakfast in silence and trying to act like nothing was wrong, and for that I was grateful. As soon as they were done, they practically fled the kitchen, and I couldn't blame them - the tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a fucking knife.

All because of me.

The next couple of hours flew by, and at the same time, it was the longest morning of my life. When the doorbell finally rang, I didn't know whether to run, cry, or throw up. But somehow, I managed to refrain from doing either. Instead I remained frozen on the spot as Carlisle went to get the door and let Victoria Masen into the house.

Fuck, I didn't want to do this. And I knew I didn't have any choice. Last time or not, I was still in for hours of pure hell.

I barely remember leaving the kitchen and going into Carlisle's office, but that's where I found myself a few minutes later. Victoria hadn't changed a bit since the last time I saw her - her hair was still red and long, her skin pale, and her eyes cold and emotionless. She smiled at me - maybe it was meant to break the ice, seeing how Carlisle was still in the room - but it did nothing to lessen my rising apprehension.

"How are you, Edward?" she asked in a polite voice, although I was pretty sure she couldn't care less, so I didn't bother to respond. Instead I just folded my arms protectively across my chest, giving her a cold look. I would answer her questions one more time, because there was clearly no getting around it, but nothing could bring me to make with the fucking small talk.

Of course, she knew this. I wouldn't open my mouth unless I had to.

Carlisle cleared his throat, looking anything but comfortable. "Let's get this over with, shall we? Edward, you know-"

"You'll be right outside. Whatever," I cut him off, not looking at him, because I didn't want to see the guilt in his eyes for putting me through this again. When I was younger, I used to hate him and Esme for leaving me alone with this woman, even though I never dared to complain, convinced I didn't have the right. As I grew older, I learned that Carlisle didn't have any more say in the matter than I did.

He didn't know this, but I had overheard him and Esme talking in the hallway outside my room, four or five years ago, when they thought I was asleep and wouldn't hear them. I assumed they had come to check on me - seeing how I'd thrown one of my usual tantrums, followed by the meltdown that was always the aftermath of Victoria's visits - and unable to handle their concern, I pretended to be sleeping.

Although I figured they were trying to keep their voices down, I had heard every word.

_"Hasn't he been through enough already?" Esme's voice was thick, like she was close to tears. "I can't take this anymore, Carlisle. I can't watch him go through this again. The adoption is supposed to be final. Why won't the Social Services just leave us alone?"___

_"You know why." Carlisle's reply was short, relentless. "This is how it's going to be. They will keep making annual visits until Edward turns eighteen, and thereby will legally be considered an adult. I don't like it anymore than you do, but there's nothing any of us can do about it. You know as well as I do that if we don't agree to this, we won't be accepted as adoptive parents."___

_There was a moment of silence, and then Esme spoke up again, "You still blame me, don't you? If I hadn't-"___

_"Don't do this, Esme." Carlisle lowered his voice, but I could still hear him as he went on, "What's done is done. If you're to blame for what happened, then so am I."_

I had never understood exactly what they meant by that, but to be honest, I didn't really care. It didn't seem important, anyway. I obviously had no choice but to do this once a year, or I wouldn't get to stay. Simple as that.

"So..." Victoria's shrill voice snapped me out of my memories, and I involuntarily flinched. "It's been another year. Doesn't time just seem to fly by?" I figured it was a rhetorical question, so I just looked at her blankly. She started flipping through the pile of papers she kept in front of her, and then put them down again, stating, "I doubt I'll be needing these." I frowned, but remained silent.

For a moment, she just looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. Then she sighed. "Well, Edward, after today, I don't think we'll be seeing each other again, although I'm pretty sure you won't miss me too much." I raised a brow, thinking it was the understatement of the fucking year.

"Tell me something..." There was something eerie about the way she kept staring at me, and I couldn't help but shudder. I told myself to relax, that after today, she would no longer hold any power over me. So I forced myself to meet her eyes as she continued, "You've been living in this house for almost seven years now. Are you happy here? Do you consider yourself a Cullen?"

I blinked in surprise, taken aback by the question. "I guess," I mumbled, awkwardly.

She was quiet for a couple of seconds. "What about your biological mother? After all these years, what does she mean to you?"

Feeling my throat tighten, I swallowed and gave her a hard look. "Nothing."

"I see." She paused, and when she went on, it was with a trace of determination on her face, like she had just made up her mind about something. "I'm going to let you in on a secret, Edward. Elizabeth and I go way back."

My eyes widened and I stared at her, not sure I had heard her correctly. "What do you mean?" I whispered. I hated the way my voice was trembling, and I felt my heart beating faster.

The laugh that escaped her could only be described as bitter. "She never knew I existed, at least not until I got involved in your case. But I knew her." Seeing the stunned look on my face, she went on, "Not personally, of course. I never actually talked to her. But that doesn't change anything - the fact still remains." I just kept staring at her, not understanding what she was telling me.

She looked me right in the eyes, and for the first time ever, I thought I could hear a hint of pain in her voice. "To me, Elizabeth will always be the woman who took my husband away from me."

**OoO**

End notes: Remember when I said I was nervous about posting a chapter before? This is about ten times worse. Before you start telling me again how evil I am, trust me when I say this: yes, this is all necessary, and yes, I will have these poor kids reunited again soon. I promise.


	78. Chapter 78

**A/N****: Wow, lots of reviews for the last chapter, I'm so happy! Thank you all so much! :)**

**OoO**

**EPOV**

_"To me, Elizabeth will always be the woman who took my husband away from me."_

I felt like my head was spinning, and for a moment, I thought I was going to be sick. "Your... husband?" I croaked, barely recognizing my voice. "James?" As the name left my mouth, I felt a shiver run down my spine, and I didn't realize I had started backing away until I felt the wall pressing into my back.

_He's not here. He's back in Chicago and he can't hurt you. He's a fucking vegetable._

My body kept shaking, and I wrapped my arms protectively around myself.

"James?" There was a hint of genuine surprise in Victoria's voice. Then understanding seemed to dawn on her, and she shook her head impatiently. "No, not James." A pause. "Did Elizabeth ever tell you anything about your father?"

"My...?" The word got stuck in my throat and I swallowed hard, shaking my head. A part of me wanted nothing more than to just get the fuck out of the room, away from her, but I couldn't bring myself to move. And to be perfectly honest - although I would never admit it - her words had awoken a sense of morbid curiosity inside me.

Was it possible that she knew something I didn't? And in that case, was she going to fill me in?

My mother never talked about my biological father. James had always been around, or at least as far back as I could remember, but he had made no secret about the fact that he was not my real dad. I had asked my mom about it once when I was about seven - after some kid at school had insisted that everybody had to have two real parents, whether they lived together or not - but it hadn't gone over well.

I remembered it clearly, because it had been one of the few times my mom had actually yelled at me, and even after all these years, I could still hear her angry voice ring in my head.

_"You don't have a father, Edward. You never did. And if you know what's good for you, you will not ask me about this again!"_

I had just looked at her with large eyes, then quickly nodded in acceptance. And I had never brought it up again.

Now I watched Victoria with a sinking feeling in my stomach, afraid of what she was about to say, and at the same time - deep down - I actually found myself eager to find out. I wanted to hear this, although something about the situation felt surreal to me. Maybe that was why I had yet to freak out about the whole thing.

Victoria sighed, folding her hands in her lap, and when she started speaking, there was something distant in her eyes. "My husband and I were only eighteen when we got married. For the first couple of years, we were living in a fairytale." She looked up, her voice hardening, "And then he met _her_."

It didn't take a genius to figure out who she was talking about. My mother. Elizabeth.

"He told me he was sorry." She scoffed. "Sorry! He said he never intended to sleep with her, that it had just been a drunken mistake. I would have forgiven him eventually, because I loved him, but then it turned out Elizabeth was pregnant."

I couldn't for the life of me understand why she was telling me this, but in a way, it was like witnessing a horrible traffic accident - you wanted to look away, but at the same time, you just couldn't help yourself. It wasn't lost on me how she had yet to call her husband by name, but I wasn't about to interrupt her and ask.

"You look so much like him..." Victoria shook her head, as if to clear it, and then her expression turned cold again as she went on, "I could tell he was excited. Of course, he tried to hide it from me, because despite what he had done, he was not a cruel man, and he didn't want to throw it in my face." She let out a bitter snort. "You see, that was something I could never give him. I can't have children."

I had no idea how to respond to that, so I remained silent, waiting for her to go on. There were so many things I wanted to ask in that moment, but I couldn't sort out my muddled thoughts enough to form the words. And even if I could, the way she looked at me with resentment in her eyes would have been enough to keep me from opening my mouth.

It was freezing cold in the room. Or maybe it was just me. I tried to keep my breathing steady.

"He told me he still loved me," Victoria continued absently, never taking her eyes off me, and I felt more uncomfortable by the second. "But he went on about responsibilities, telling me he needed to be there for _her_, and the baby." The accusation in her voice was palpable, impossible to ignore. "So, the night you were born, he went to the hospital to be with her."

I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. Somehow, I knew what was coming next.

And her next words confirmed it. "He never made it. Just two blocks away from the hospital, he was hit by a truck. His car was completely demolished, and they said he probably didn't even feel any pain. He died instantly."

This time, I was certain I was going to be sick. But nothing happened. Instead I just kept staring at her, shocked by her revelation.

Victoria's voice was distant, almost robotic, as she kept talking, "Elizabeth didn't show up at the funeral, and your birth certificate clearly says 'father unknown'." She paused. "But I guess he must have meant something to her after all." Obviously seeing my confusion, she clarified, "She named you after him. Your father's name was Edward as well. Edward Sr. His last name was Masen, just like me."

"If you've known this all along, why have you never said anything before?" My voice was surprisingly calm, considering the fact that my world had just been turned upside-down. But when Victoria seemed to ignore me, and instead just kept watching me silently with her head tilted to the side, I exploded. "Answer the fucking question!"

She snapped out of it, looking absolutely stunned by my outburst, seeing how it was the first time I had ever raised my voice at her. But she quickly recovered. "I'm the one asking the questions here, Edward. You should know that by now." Something about her posture had changed, though, and I could suddenly sense a hint of uncertainty in her.

"Why are you telling me this now?" I demanded, less composed this time. A part of me almost hoped this was all some kind of sick joke, but deep down, I knew that wasn't the case. I could feel my body starting to tremble again, but at the same time, I felt strangely numb.

"I thought you should know." Victoria sighed. "I couldn't risk saying anything sooner, because they might have removed me from the case, and I couldn't have that. Not when you were my only connection to my husband..." She was still talking, an almost wistful note in her voice, but I had stopped listening, my mind stuck on the word 'case'.

Of course I was just a fucking case. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but hearing her confirm it still stung. It all made sense to me now, though. All this time, she must have resented me for indirectly being the reason behind her husband's death.

Her husband. My father.

But I didn't mean to. I never asked to be born.

"Let's just finish this." She sounded tired, or maybe just bored. "Technically, your case will not be closed until the day of your eighteenth birthday, but that's just a formality." Picking up a paper from the table in front of her, she then gave me an expectant look. "I only have a few questions - if you could just respond as accurately and honestly as you can - and then I'll be out of your life."

I blinked, staring at her in disbelief. Was she fucking serious? She had just dropped this huge bomb on me, and now she was acting like it was nothing, like I should just forget it and move on? I could feel the walls slowly but surely closing in on me, and the air was starting to feel thick and heavy, but I could not - _would_ not - break down and have a fucking panic attack now.

Pushing myself away from the wall, I struggled to pull some air into my lungs. Then I glared at her. "I'm done answering your fucking questions. I want you to leave."

She looked taken aback, and for a moment, I almost expected her to obey. But then she shook her head. "Let's just be mature about this, Edward. I know you've never liked me. But I assure you - all this time, I have only been doing my job. I never deliberately set out to hurt you, and I'm truly sorry about what happened to you. Don't you see? In a way, we're both victims."

I stubbornly shook my head - her words meant absolutely nothing to me. "Get out," I managed to get out between gritted teeth. When she didn't move, I kicked the nearest object within reach - which happened to be a chair - causing it to fall over, and yelled, "Get the fuck out!" Her eyes widened and she slowly got to her feet, but other than that, she remained where she was.

That was when Carlisle came bursting into the room. His eyes immediately landed on me, the concern evident on his face, and aside from a brief look in Victoria's direction, he ignored her completely and walked straight up to me. "Edward?"

He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I backed away without thinking, never taking my eyes off the red-haired woman in front of me. "I want. Her. To fucking. _Leave!_" I hissed, clenching my fist so hard that my hand started to throb.

Carlisle's eyes darkened and he stepped in front of me. "Mrs. Masen..." he started, but she cut him off.

"We're not quite done yet." Her voice was low, strained.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Carlisle then straightened up and took a step forward, holding up his hand to prevent her from interrupting again. "What else do you need? Do you have any more papers for me to sign? In that case, just hand them over. Then I want you off my property."

Victoria opened her mouth, then closed it again, a shocked expression on her face. "That's not how the system works, Dr. Cullen. You know as well as I do-"

"The system?" Carlisle gave her a look of exasperation. "Frankly, Mrs. Masen, I don't give a damn about the system. As far as I'm concerned, we are done."

She shook her head, and when she spoke up again, she sounded almost regretful. "I'm afraid that's not up to you to decide."

"You listen to me." There was a hint of authority in Carlisle's voice that I couldn't remember ever hearing before. "You are in my house, not by invitation, but because of a demand made by people above both our heads. But Esme and I have kept our end of the bargain, and we have done everything that has been required of us. This ends now. I want you to leave me and my family alone."

I took the opportunity to slip out of the room. Esme was waiting outside the door, and I almost walked right into her. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and she reached out a shaky hand towards my face. "Sweetie, are you...?" Her voice trailed off as I walked past her without a word, and I could feel the hurt and confusion radiate from her as she called out my name, but I didn't stop.

Somehow, it was like I had spent the last hour or so in a bubble - I had been there, I had heard everything Victoria had told me, but at the same time, it was like she had been talking to someone else. Now I could feel reality starting to come crashing down on me, it was all starting to sink in. And I just had to get away before I lost it.

As much as I wanted to shrug the whole thing off as a lie or a misunderstanding, I couldn't fool myself. As far as I was concerned, Victoria was a cold-hearted bitch, but she wasn't crazy. I doubted she would be stupid enough to make something like that up and expect to get away with it - there should be ways to verify her story, which she had to be aware of.

It had to be true, then. Victoria Masen had been married to my biological father, who had died the same night I was born, on his way to the hospital to see my mother - and me.

I didn't remember going upstairs and into my room, but when I snapped out of it enough to take in my surroundings, I realized that's where I was. My heart was pounding violently in my chest, and I could feel the panic linger just beneath the surface, threatening to overcome me. I suddenly felt trapped, and was hit by an almost desperate need to get out of the house, because the air in here was all wrong.

It was all too fucking much. If I would just run as fast as I could, as far away as possible, then maybe I would be able to breathe without feeling like I was choking. I needed to get away from...

Fuck, I didn't even know what I was running from. Victoria? My past?

Myself?

It was pointless, though, because I couldn't run. In fact, I couldn't even move.

Just a minute ago, I had been so worked up I was practically vibrating, but now, it was like my body had just stopped functioning. Suddenly I felt completely drained of energy, and my legs seemed to have grown so heavy I wouldn't be able to take another step. As if in slow motion, I felt my feet carrying me towards the bed, and as soon as I hit the mattress, I curled up in a fetal position.

I felt empty, numb. Cold. Maybe this was what dying felt like. Somehow I doubted it, though, figuring I had to just be in shock.

There was a knock on the door. "Edward?" Carlisle's voice. I didn't respond. It would require energy, and I didn't have any left. There were so many mixed up thoughts in my head, and they were so fucking _loud_. I couldn't deal with this shit now - I just wanted some fucking quiet.

I just wanted to sleep.

Why couldn't my life ever be simple? I wanted a fucking break.

I think I may have drifted off for a moment, only to be startled awake by another knock, a little louder this time. "Edward, are you all right?" A pause. "She's gone now, son. Can I come in?"

_No. Go away. Please._

While I realized he and Esme were probably worried about me, I couldn't bring myself to care. I didn't want to talk, not now. I was so fucking tired. Bella would understand. I wanted Bella. But she was more than a thousand miles away. I found myself wondering if she would ever come back.

I could hear voices outside my room, although I tried to tune them out. My mind kept racing, though. Carlisle had said Victoria was gone, but I didn't dare to hope it was all over. Surely I wouldn't get away that easily - I hadn't even answered a single fucking question. There was one last knock, followed by silence, and then I heard the sound of footsteps out in the hallway, fading.

Obviously, they had given up. I was relieved, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. The way my mind worked sometimes was a fucking mystery.

I closed my eyes, allowing sleep to claim me.

_I was dreaming. It had to be a dream, because I was surrounded by trees, and I didn't remember leaving the house. Someone was calling out my name, but I didn't recognize the voice. ___

_Somewhere behind me, a car was honking, and then there was the sound of screeching tires, followed by a bloodcurdling scream. Suddenly there were voices all around me.___

_'Your father is dead, your father is dead.'___

_'You don't have a father. You never did.'___

_'You're just a case, a drunken mistake.'___

_A twig snapped, and I knew someone was following me. I tried to run, but my feet were frozen at the spot and I couldn't move. Letting out a fearful moan, I sank to the ground, covering my face with my arms.___

_When I looked up again, I was huddling in the corner of my room, James towering above me, laughing. Victoria was standing behind him, chanting repeatedly, 'You killed my husband, you killed my husband...'___

_'Get off my property,' Carlisle demanded from the doorway, although he made no motion to step into the room. He gave me a remorseful look. 'You have to open the door, son. I can't help you unless you let me in.'___

_James pulled his fist back, prepared to strike. I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing myself for the pain that never came.___

_I was sitting up in my bed. James was gone, and Bella was standing in the doorway. Her lips were moving, and I realized she was talking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. I tried to tell her to speak louder, but I was so tired I couldn't get the words out. She moved towards me, and I struggled to reach out to her, but my body wouldn't obey me.___

_It wasn't real. Bella wasn't here.___

_She sat on the bed.___

_Any moment now, I would wake up, and she would be gone. This was just a dream.___

_Her hands were in my hair.___

_I was so fucking tired. But I was afraid to close my eyes, knowing that if I did, Bella would disappear.___

_'Edward,' she whispered, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I would have told her so, if I hadn't been so utterly exhausted.___

_I could smell her sweet, familiar scent of strawberries and vanilla, and nearly sobbed. It was so fucking real.___

_But she wasn't really here. She couldn't be.___

_She repeated my name, softly, and I suddenly didn't care if it was real or not. ___

_I put my head down in her lap, and for the moment, I was at peace._


	79. Chapter 79

**A/N****: How I wish I had the time to respond to each and everyone of you in person. Just know that I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a review, more than I can say. Thank you all so much!**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Today had been one of the longest days of my life, and at the same time, the last couple of hours had just seemed to fly by. Saying goodbye to Phil, the flight to Seattle and then to Port Angeles, Charlie picking me up at the airport with his cruiser - it was all just a bunch of muddled images in my mind, because the only thing I could think of was Edward.

When I begged my dad to take me straight to the Cullens, I had expected him to put up a fight, insisting I'd come home with him, so I was fully prepared to stand up to him and argue for my point, because one way or another, I was going to see Edward tonight. I would sneak out of the house once he had gone to bed if necessary, although I hoped it wouldn't come to that.

I was both relieved and pleasantly surprised when Charlie agreed. In fact, he didn't even object, just mumbled something about how he figured _he_ was not the reason I had decided to come home early. When he dropped me off, I spontaneously gave him a hug and told him I loved him. It was good to be home.

It didn't occur to me until I was already standing on the front porch, ringing the doorbell, that it might have been a good idea to call first and let the Cullens know I was coming. After all, it was already past eight. When the door swung open and Carlisle was standing in the doorway, looking at me in confusion, I knew I should have called ahead.

Maybe I had just interrupted a private family moment. What if he told me to leave and come back in the morning? I forced a nervous smile. "Hi, Carlisle."

"Hello, Bella." He didn't step back to allow me to enter, which I took as a bad sign. "Aren't you supposed to be in Arizona? I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow."

"I came back early." I bit my lip. "I'm sorry for showing up this late. I just..." I wrung my hands. "How's Edward?"

He sighed, but didn't appear to be angry. "Why don't you come in?"

"Thank you." I let out the breath I had been holding, gratefully stepping inside. Carlisle closed the door behind me. "So..." I then started, but he held up a hand to stop me.

"I'll be honest with you, Bella. Edward's had a rough day. I don't know if you've talked to him today...?" he gave me a questioning look, and I shook my head.

"I talked to Alice this morning," I admitted. "She said something about a social worker..." I hesitated, not wanting him to think I was fishing for information, when all I could care about was whether or not Edward was okay. But as much as I wanted to just excuse myself and go look for him, I didn't want to be rude.

Besides, I knew I needed to hear Carlisle out. Not to mention that it was probably wise to find out what to expect when I did get to see Edward.

"Yes." Carlisle looked me right in the eyes, and while he sounded calm, I didn't miss the hint of pain in his voice. "We've had a visit from the Social Services today, and although it didn't come as a surprise to any of us, these things are never easy, least of all for Edward." He paused. "Has he mentioned anything about this to you?"

I reluctantly shook my head. "I could tell something was bothering him, though. I asked him about it, but he just told me he'd explain when I got back. He..." I swallowed. "He said he didn't want to upset me."

"I see." Carlisle was quiet for a moment. "Well, Edward has made it perfectly clear that he wants to be left alone, but something tells me that wouldn't include you. You may go and see him, but I must ask you to-"

I nodded before he could finish. "If he doesn't want me there, I'll leave." It would kill me, but if that was what Edward wanted, I would respect his wishes.

A couple of minutes later, I found myself standing outside Edward's room. I was just about to knock when I heard a door open behind me, and a soft voice called out my name. "Bella. You're back." Esme walked up to me, smiling as she gave me a hug, but just like Carlisle, there was pain in her eyes.

Throwing a wistful look at Edward's door, I then turned back to her and returned the hug. "Hi, Esme. Yeah, I just got here. It's good to see you."

She nodded in agreement. "You have no idea." When she spoke up again, she sounded really tired. "He's asleep, Bella. I've been checking on him every fifteen minutes or so, but he's been out for hours." A pause. "It's been a long, hard day."

"Yeah, I heard." I felt a lump in my throat. "Can I please go to him? I promise not to bother him, I just wanna be there if he wakes up. Please?" I knew I was practically begging, but I didn't care.

She gave me a sad smile. "Of course, honey. I'm sure he'd be happy to know you're back." Her smile faded. "Just let him sleep for as long as he can. He needs his rest." I nodded. Esme gave my hand a squeeze, and then left. I took a deep breath before finally knocking softly on the door, not wanting to wake him up if he was sleeping, but it seemed wrong to just barge in.

I waited a few seconds, but didn't hear anything, so I carefully pushed the door open and peeked inside. Immediately spotting Edward's still form on the bed, I was facing another dilemma - would he be startled if he woke up to find he was not alone in the room? I pushed my worries to the side and quietly stepped through the doorway.

For a couple of minutes, I just stood there, watching him. He looked peaceful enough in his sleep, but I wasn't fooled. I prayed that - no matter what had happened with that social worker - Edward wouldn't suffer any major set-backs in his progress, because he had come so far, and I couldn't stand the thought of him retreating back into himself and starting to push everyone away again.

Seriously, where was the justice in all of this? Hadn't he been through enough already?

My entire body ached to just slip into the bed with Edward and snuggle up beside him, wrap myself around him and never let go, but I didn't want to risk disturbing him. I had promised Esme I wouldn't wake him up, and to be honest, I knew she meant it when she said he needed his rest. My poor baby. He had to be exhausted.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, I didn't notice at first when Edward started to stir on the bed. But suddenly he sat up with a start, facing my direction, and I instinctively raised my hands in a calming gesture, not wanting to freak him out with my presence. "It's okay, baby, it's just me," I told him quietly, waiting for some sign of recognition from him, but he just kept looking at me, clearly disoriented.

As I took a hesitant step closer, I realized that while Edward was looking straight at me, he appeared to be far away, as if he wasn't really there with me, and I found myself wondering if he was even awake at all. "Edward?" I whispered, slowly moving towards the bed as I didn't know what else to do.

He seemed to be staring at something in the distance, something only he could see, but when I once again called out his name, his eyes narrowed slightly and his head tilted to the side, as if he was listening, or at least trying to. I swallowed hard, finally reaching the edge of the bed, and sat down as carefully as I could.

Slowly, slowly, I reached out my hand, fully prepared to pull back if he showed any sign of being startled, but when he didn't move, I took a deep breath and ran my fingers gently through his hair. "Hey, I'm back," I managed to get out, my eyes stinging with tears.

When he didn't respond, just kept looking at me with the same absent expression on his face, I forced back a sob and continued stroking his hair, willing him to snap out of it and come back to me.

He had barely moved an inch since I sat next to him, but all of a sudden, he shifted and lay back down, only this time, he curled up close to me and put his head down to rest in my lap. Other than that, he did no attempt of touching me. When I glanced at his face, I saw that his eyes were open, but I got the feeling he still wasn't completely aware of what was happening. The tears started spilling down my cheeks.

Never removing my fingers from his hair, I leaned in to whisper words of comfort and sweet nonsense into his ear, assuring him that everything would be all right, even though I had no idea whether or not it was true, or if he could even hear me. But at least he seemed somewhat calm, so I figured in that moment, it didn't really matter.

More than an hour had passed, Edward remaining in the same position with his head in my lap, neither speaking nor moving, and if it wasn't for the fact that he had yet to close his eyes, I would have thought he had simply gone back to sleep. His breathing was even and steady, but his posture was tense, and I wondered what was going on inside his head.

To tell the truth, a part of me was afraid to find out.

Esme peeked her head into the room at one point, quietly informing me that Carlisle had just gotten off the phone with my father, and that I was welcome to spend the night. While I was surprised Charlie had agreed, I wasn't about to argue, because the last thing I wanted was to be forced to leave Edward's side right now. So I just gave her a grateful smile and mouthed a 'thank you'.

As much as I wanted to find out exactly what had happened today, I knew I was just going to have to be patient. This was not the time to still my own curiosity - Edward needed me. So I just kept patting him gently and mumbling soothingly, all the while struggling to keep my emotions under control.

Finally - after what seemed like an eternity - Edward spoke up, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Bella?"

"I'm here, baby, I'm right here," I assured him, leaning in to brush my lips against his temple.

He didn't speak again for a couple of minutes, and I feared he was shutting down again, but then he asked in a raspy voice, "What day is it?"

I frowned, but then I realized he was probably just confused since, technically, I shouldn't be here. As far as he was concerned, I should still be in Phoenix - he had no idea I had taken an earlier flight. "It's still Monday, baby. I came home early." I swallowed. "I missed you."

He just mumbled something unintelligible, then fell silent again, and I figured he was taking a moment to process my words. Thankfully, he seemed more aware now, but he made no motion to move. Of course, I didn't mind at all. I opened my mouth to ask him if he was okay, but then I decided against it, because it seemed like such a stupid question.

Instead I reached for his hand, holding it gently in mine. "It's late," I murmured. "Just close your eyes and go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere." He shook his head in protest, but after a few minutes, I watched how his eyes finally fluttered closed.

As slowly and carefully as I could - because I hated to disturb him - I shifted on the bed, one inch at a time, intending to find a more comfortable position. It seemed like Edward was still at least semi-conscious, seeing how he helpfully lifted his head, allowing me to slide down next to him.

I must have been more tired than I realized, because the only thing I remembered after that was slipping my arms around him and pressing my cheek gently against the top of his head.

The next thing I knew, it was morning, at least according to the digital numbers on Edward's alarm clock. It was still dark in the room, though, and I realized it was because all the lights were off. I blinked in confusion, certain they had been on before I fell asleep, but then I vaguely recalled hearing the door open and close at some point.

That was when I also became aware of the soft blanket, covering both me and Edward, and I realized someone - my bets were on Esme - must have entered the room last night to check on us. I felt my cheeks flush. When she had told me I could spend the night, I doubted she had meant in Edward's bed. Not that I had wanted to sleep anyplace else, but I was still slightly embarrassed by being caught.

Then again, seeing how Edward was still sleeping, seemingly peacefully in my arms, I figured maybe Esme wouldn't mind after all. I mean, surely she couldn't possibly have expected us to do anything inappropriate. At least that was what I told myself.

I really needed to pee, and I was relieved when Edward started to stir next to me. That was until I remembered what had happened the last time we woke up together in the same bed, and suddenly I didn't know whether to just slip out of the bed as quietly as possible, or try to wake him up and hope for the best. The last thing either of us needed this morning was any more drama.

But it turned out my worries had been unnecessary. Edward's eyes suddenly snapped open and he let out a fearful gasp, looking around the room in panic, and I instinctively knew the chances of him finding himself in a similar... _situation_ as the last time was next to non-existent.

I barely got the chance to react, let alone do something, before his eyes landed on me and he blinked a couple of times, clearly not convinced I was actually there. "Bella?" he then asked huskily, his face a mixture of hope and doubt. I tried to smile - although I realized it probably looked more like a grimace - and placed my hand softly on his chest.

The relief on his face was so obvious I nearly burst into tears.

"You're here," he mumbled then, sounding as if he still couldn't quite believe it.

"Yeah, I'm right here, baby," I whispered, repeating my words from last night. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face, and he let out a shuddering breath. Although I really didn't want to go, I knew I didn't have much choice, so I gave him a regretful look. "I'm just gonna go use the bathroom, okay? We'll talk when I get back."

Edward nodded, but when I started to get up, he reached out and grabbed my arm, preventing me from leaving. I stopped, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, and felt him relax a little. "Just hurry," he pleaded, his eyes searching mine as if looking for some sign that I wouldn't just disappear into thin air the moment I left the room.

I felt my eyes well up again, but I forced a smile and nodded. "I'll be right back." He seemed satisfied by my words and released my arm, and I - most reluctantly - left the bed.

When I got out in the hallway, I nearly tripped over a pile of neatly folded clothes that someone had left just outside Edward's door. As I was about to step past it, my eyes landed on a note on top with my name scribbled on it, and I frowned, bending down to pick it up. It was from Alice.

The clothes were obviously for me, and she also informed me that there would be a new toothbrush for me to use, as well as some clean towels so I could take a shower. As much as I wanted to get back to Edward right away, the thought of a warm shower and clean clothes was too tempting to resist, so I hurried to the bathroom across the hall, intending to make it as quick as possible.

It seemed like the entire Cullen family was aware of the fact that I had spent the night in Edward's room. Strangely enough, I couldn't bring myself to care.

The feeling of hot water against my skin was absolutely heavenly so I remained in the shower a little longer than I had planned, but finally I turned the faucet off and reached for one of the large, fluffy towels, quickly dried myself off and slipped into the clothes Alice had been kind enough to let me borrow. Then I brushed my teeth before heading back to Edward's room.

The door was open and I could hear muffled voices coming from inside. When I peeked into the room, I immediately spotted Carlisle, sitting on the edge of Edward's bed and talking to him quietly. I remained in the doorway, hesitating. But Edward suddenly raised his head and looked past Carlisle, as if he had sensed my presence.

Carlisle turned to look at me over his shoulder, and I gave him a somewhat awkward wave. "Um, hi. I mean, good morning."

"Good morning, Bella," he responded softly, smiling at me, although I didn't miss how he glanced at Edward, and I instantly knew I had been interrupting something.

"I'll just go see if Esme needs any help downstairs," I offered quickly, and he gave me a grateful look. Edward on the other hand visibly tensed up, and he didn't look too pleased. But it was obvious to me that Carlisle wished to speak with him in private, so I pushed my own disappointment aside, knowing that Edward and I would just have to wait with our talk until later. Maybe it was just as well.

We definitely had a lot to talk about. And I had a feeling it wasn't going to be pretty.


	80. Chapter 80

A/N: So, we're up to 80 chapters. 80! Wow, I never imagined this story would be this long when I started it. And it's still not over. I never would've gotten this far without you, all my wonderful, faithful readers. That's a simple fact. I've gotten some new readers, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a comment, even though I'm sad to admit I don't have the time to respond to all my reviews like I really want. Anyway, thank you all so much, this story wouldn't exist without your never-ending support!

**OoO**

**EPOV**

Even though I vaguely recalled Bella's voice telling me she came back early, and even though I had just woken up and she was apparently _still_ right next to me, a part of me was afraid to believe it was real. It just seemed too good to be true - me waking up from a nightmare, only to find my girl curled up in bed with me.

She was gone now, though, having left to go to the bathroom, and I desperately hoped she wouldn't be long. As pathetic as I felt for practically begging her to hurry back, I just couldn't help myself. If it _was_ real and Bella had come back to me, I didn't want to waste another second being apart from her.

And if it was a dream, well, then I really didn't want to wake up.

A soft knock on the door brought me out of the reverie, and I looked up to see Carlisle standing in the doorway. He had a worried look on his face, although I could tell he was trying to hide it. "Good morning, Edward. How are you feeling?"

"All right," I mumbled as I threw the blanket off and sat up, hesitating a little before adding, "Bella's here." The way the corner of his mouth curled into a smile and he nodded made the last of my doubts go away - she really was. I let out the breath I hadn't been aware of holding.

"Yes," he confirmed, watching me thoughtfully before asking, "May I come in for a moment?" I held back a sigh and nodded, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and grimaced as I stretched my sore muscles.

I really needed to stop falling asleep in my jeans - it was definitely not the most comfortable sleeping attire.

"Thank you." He gave me a grateful look as he stepped inside, leaving the door open behind him. It was something he had always done when entering my room, no questions asked, obviously knowing I didn't feel comfortable with the door closed, unless it was on my terms.

"About yesterday..." he started then, his eyes searching mine. "As much as I wish I could tell you it's over... Well, I asked Mrs. Masen to leave, and believe me, if it was up to me, she would never set her foot in this house again. However..." Carlisle let out a sigh. "Edward, can you tell me what happened? What did she say or do to upset you like that?"

I shrugged and looked away, nowhere near ready to have this conversation. But there was something that had been nagging at the back of my mind, and I had to know. "Did you know about...?" I began tentatively, then stopped, unable to get the words out. Fuck, I couldn't do this.

When I couldn't bring myself to finish, Carlisle tilted his head to the side in question, his eyes full of concern, and I knew he wasn't going to just let it go. "Know about what?" I remained silent. "Edward, you can talk to me. Please?"

I wrapped my arms protectively around myself, refusing to meet his eyes. "She told me..." It was all coming back to me, and I closed my eyes for a moment, willing Victoria's voice to go away. "She told me... who she was married to:"

Silence. I reluctantly raised my head. Carlisle was looking at me with a blank expression on his face. Then he slowly shook his head. "I'm sorry, son, I don't understand. Why would she mention anything about her personal life? I'd say it's highly irrelevant, not to mention inappropriate of her to..." He paused. "Did you say _was_ married?" I nodded.

Knowing he was waiting for me to go on explaining, I gulped, feeling how my hands were starting to tremble. "She said... that she was married to my..." I inhaled shakily, "...biological father. Edward Sr." I felt cold sweat breaking out on my forehead, and swallowed before adding, "Masen."

I watched how Carlisle froze dead in his tracks, and for a moment, I almost thought he had stopped breathing. When he finally spoke up, his voice was barely more than a whisper and his face ashen. "What did you just say? Is this some kind of joke?" I opened my mouth, but he held up a hand to stop me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't believe you, but... This doesn't make any sense."

_Fucking tell me about it._

As in slow motion, Carlisle made his way over to me and sat down on the bed, never taking his eyes off me. "Edward, are you absolutely certain you understood her correctly? Maybe-"

I cut him off, the words leaving my mouth before I realized I had spoken at all, "She said my mother took her husband away from her. That he got her pregnant by accident and then died the night I was born, when he was on his way to see her." My eyes were starting to sting and I felt a lump in my throat, although I wasn't really sure why.

"Edward..." Carlisle took a deep breath, and I got the feeling he was trying to compose himself. "Listen to me. I don't know if this is true or not, but I can find out. Do you want me to do that?" I just shrugged, because I had no idea how to respond, and besides, I didn't trust my voice to hold if I tried to speak.

What happened next was that I felt a sudden wave of calmness coming over me. I instinctively turned my eyes to the doorway and spotted Bella standing there, looking somewhat uncertain. When Carlisle cast a look over his shoulder, she smiled nervously and gave him a little wave. "Um, hi. I mean, good morning."

"Good morning, Bella." Carlisle returned her smile, then turned to look at me, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. No doubt would he leave if I asked him to, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Besides, no matter how I felt about it, we had yet to finish our conversation.

It was also obvious to me that he'd been completely oblivious to what I had just told him, and he deserved more than me just dropping a bomb like this on him and then telling him to leave my room so I could be alone with my girlfriend. After everything he had done for me over the years, I owed him better than that, even though my entire body was aching for Bella's touch and comfort.

When Bella said she would go downstairs, clearly intending to give me and Carlisle some privacy, I almost begged her to stay. But somehow, I managed to refrain myself from making an even bigger fool of myself. In a way, I hated how clingy and needy I had become when it came to Bella, but she made everything easier. Better.

She made me feel like less of a fuck-up, and more like someone who was actually worthy of her. Whether or not it was true.

As soon as Bella was out of sight, Carlisle turned back to me. "Are you going to explain to Bella what went on here yesterday? I know it's none of my business, I just..." his voice trailed off.

"Yeah, I'll try." I meant it. That didn't mean I was looking forward to it, though. I hated having to talk about anything related to my past, but no matter what I did, I never seemed able to escape it, and I feared it would just keep haunting me for the rest of my life.

He nodded in acceptance. "I think that's a good idea. Just do your best. She'll understand." I could only hope he was right.

When I remained quiet, he went on softly, "Back to what we talked about before - I have to ask. When you first mentioned what Victoria said to you, you started to ask me if I knew about something. Edward, do you actually believe Esme and I would have kept something like that from you, all this time?"

I lowered my eyes in shame, because in all honesty, the thought had crossed my mind. "I don't know. Maybe."

He was quiet for a moment, and I was certain I had upset him. But when he spoke up, there was no anger in his voice, only guilt. "I understand. It's my fault, isn't it, for not telling you about James being on parole? But I promise you, Edward, I only did it to protect you. I realize now I should've just been straight with you, but I honestly believed I was doing the right thing."

I nodded silently, knowing I couldn't really blame him. He was right - I would've been better off believing James was still in prison. But at the same time, his actions made me wonder what else they had been keeping from me.

"The identity of your biological father has always been a mystery to us," Carlisle continued quietly. "Apparently, Elizabeth refused to put his name on your birth certificate, and I have to admit I assumed it was because she simply didn't know who it was."

"How the fuck is that even possible?" I blurted out without thinking. He opened his mouth, but I waved my hand in dismissal and rolled my eyes. "Never mind."

"You never asked about him, and we figured it was just as well, seeing how we didn't have any answers." Carlisle sighed. "But Edward, there are ways to find out whether or not Victoria was telling you the truth. The question is, do you want to know? The decision has to be yours. Are you ready for this?"

My eyes widened and I felt myself starting to panic. "I-I don't know."

"That's all right." He put his hand on my arm. "You don't have to decide anything right this instant. Just take some time to think about it." I let out a shaky breath and nodded. Carlisle looked down at his hand, still on my arm, and something close to a smile appeared on his face. "Do you even realize how far you've come? I'm so proud of you. Not long ago, you would've told me to fuck off by now."

I raised a brow, slightly taken aback by his use of 'my' profanity, but knew he was right - I would have. Funny how - now - the thought hadn't even occurred to me.

"You'll be okay, son, I know you will." He patted my arm. "And Edward, I don't want you to worry about Victoria anymore - I will deal with her."

I frowned. "But you said-"

"That was before I knew about this." His eyes darkened. "What she did was most unprofessional, and I will make sure to inform her supervisor. Trust me - she will not come here again." A pause. "Social Services might insist on sending someone else for a final follow-up, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

While I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that, I figured it couldn't be worse than dealing with Victoria. So I nodded.

He hesitated a little. "I should probably get in touch with Dr. Weber and fill her in on what's happened here since you last saw her. Unless, of course, you'd rather do it yourself?" I could tell by his voice that he didn't expect me to say yes, but that he wanted to give me the option.

I shrugged. "Talk to her if you want. I don't care." He looked a little relieved.

"Well, if I'm not mistaken, you have a pretty lady eagerly waiting to see you." He smiled. "I'll leave you alone now, unless there's something else you want to talk about?" He sounded somewhat hopeful, and I felt almost bad for shaking my head. "Just remember, Edward, I'm always here for you. Same goes for all of us. I hope you realize that."

He left.

Bella reentered a moment later, hesitating briefly before stepping over to me. "Are you okay?" Instead of answering, I just reached out for her, and she all but flew into my arms. I hugged her hard, feeling her practically melt into my embrace, and I buried my face in the crook of her neck.

She was really here.

We sat like that for a while before Bella pulled back so she could look at me. "Edward, tell me what happened."

"Not now," I mumbled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and placing my palm on her cheek, relishing the feeling of her soft skin against mine. "Later." She started to protest but I cut her off, praying that she would understand, "Bella, please, I just need a break from all of this. Can I just have five minutes without...?" my voice cracked. "I just wanna hold you," I whispered, angry at myself for being so weak.

But I just couldn't help myself - I really needed her right now. And I silently thanked any gods that might be listening when I saw understanding flash in Bella's eyes and she nodded, climbing into my lap without a word and wrapped her arms around me. I forced back a sob when she pressed her cheek against mine, her fingers finding their way to my hair.

I would've gladly stayed like that for the rest of the day - hell, the rest of my life - but after a couple of minutes, I forced myself to release her and most reluctantly pulled back. "Thanks," I mumbled, looking away in shame. But she would have none of that.

"Hey..." Bella cupped my cheek and gently forced me to meet her eyes. Then she brushed her lips softly against mine. "I love you." I could only nod, wanting to say the words back, but knowing any attempt of speaking in that moment would only cause me to start fucking blubbering. Thankfully, she seemed to understand, because she didn't appear to be upset by my silence.

I took a couple of deep breaths, struggling to get my emotions under control. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to ignore your phone calls, I just..." I searched my mind for the right words, thinking that now would be a good time for Bella to cut in. Of course she waited patiently for me to go on. I let out a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I prayed it was a promise I could keep.

"Edward, it's okay." Bella bit her lip. "I'm not upset. I mean, I was, but more worried-upset than angry-upset." She rolled her eyes. "Does that even make sense? Anyway, I got really scared when I couldn't get ahold of you. I thought..." she swallowed visibly, "...something had happened to you."

I felt like the biggest ass on the planet. "Is that why you came back early?"

She shrugged. "Partly. But also because..." her cheeks turned red, "...because I couldn't stand another day away from you." My eyes widened in surprise at her admission, and she shrugged helplessly. "I just had to come home, Edward. Don't you see? I had to." I nodded, because strange as it may seem, I understood completely.

I felt exactly the same way.

"Is this normal?" I blurted, feeling stupid for asking but I couldn't stop myself. "Feeling like this, I mean. Fuck, Bella, I don't know how to explain it so it makes sense. What I feel for you, it's so fucking... _strong_. Intense. Not saying that's a bad thing, I just…" I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration before giving her a worried look. "It's not bad, is it?"

"No," she whispered, her eyes glistening with tears, and she actually smiled a little. "I don't think it's bad at all."

As soon as I found my voice again, I told her that I believed she was right.

Then I started telling Bella everything about Victoria, from the very beginning.

When I was done, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, but other than that, I was relatively calm. Bella was the one with tears streaming down her face, struggling to compose herself. She was clutching both my hands tightly. "Do you believe it's true? That she was married to your..." she swallowed, "...father?"

I shrugged, my eyes locked on our hands. "Don't see why she would lie about something like that. Besides, it would explain why she's hated me for all this time."

Bella tensed up, and when I looked at her, I was surprised by the anger in her eyes. "No, it doesn't. You're the kindest, most amazing person I have ever met, and there's absolutely no logical explanation why anyone could possibly hate you, ever."

I rolled my eyes, secretly touched by her words. "Right. Tell that to Mike fucking Newton. I bet he still can't breathe properly through his nose." I paused. "Not that I regret punching the fucker, just saying."

She tried to remain serious, but the way the corner of her mouth twitched gave her away. When I raised a brow, she let out an amused snort. "All right, all right, I admit that you're probably not on Mike's top five list of favorite people. Does that hurt your feelings?"

"Tremendously," I told her in a straight face, although she couldn't possibly miss the sarcasm dripping from my voice. "Don't know how I'll manage to go on living." I feigned a stabbing motion to my chest. "Ah, the pain!"

"Cute." Bella shook her head in amusement. "But seriously, Edward, we're getting off the track."

"Right." I instantly sobered up. "Not sure what you want me to say, though."

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. "What if it is true? Has it occurred to you that you might actually have blood relatives out there? A whole family you never even knew existed?"

What if I did? I immediately pushed the thought away. "The Cullens are my family, Bella." Then I frowned, because the words sounded strange, almost alien, coming from my mouth. Nevertheless I did mean it.

_Huh. Who would've fucking guessed?_

"Of course they are." Bella smiled softly, giving my hand a squeeze. "But Edward, aren't you even the least bit curious?"

I didn't respond, because I didn't know what to tell her.

_Yes. No. Maybe._

I had no fucking idea.


	81. Chapter 81

**A/N****: Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews and kind words!**

**OoO**

**BPOV**

Over the next couple of days, Edward and I spent practically all of our time together, and I almost told him about Jake at least a dozen times. It wasn't that I couldn't find the right opportunity, because he had asked me about my trip to Phoenix, and I told him everything he wanted to know, willingly answered every question he had.

But he never once asked about Jake.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel comfortable bringing it up myself. It wasn't like I had done anything wrong, and I didn't really think Edward would blame me for Jake trying to kiss me against my will, but the truth was, I was afraid of his reaction.

The key words were 'against my will'. I remembered how Edward had freaked out when he thought Phil had hurt my arm on purpose, and if he got the impression - even for a moment - that Jake had forced himself on me, there was no way of knowing how he would take it. The last thing Edward needed right now was more stress.

But at the same time, I hated the idea of keeping things from him, especially since I had promised him we would talk about it when I got back. I just didn't want to upset him.

The irony of that wasn't lost on me, seeing how Edward had told me the exact same thing. Maybe we were both too worried about making the other one upset. Deep down, I realized we couldn't always protect each other from everything, even though I had to admit it would be nice.

It was like Edward didn't want to be the one to bring up the subject, like he was waiting for me to make the first move. For a moment, I had played with the thought of bringing it up at our joint therapy session with Dr. Weber, but that was just the coward in me, wanting to stall things for as long as possible.

I had always insisted Edward and I needed to be honest with each other. But I didn't want to just blurt it out. _Hey Edward, guess what? You know that guy I told you about, the one I punched in the face? Yeah, he tried to kiss me._

Really, _really_ bad idea.

Edward's mood was another thing to take under consideration. While he seemed to be calm most of the time, I wasn't fooled by his quiet appearance. He never snapped at me if I tried to talk to him, but as much as he kept assuring me that he was fine, I feared it was just a matter of time before reality would come crashing down on him again.

Whether it was true or not, what that heartless woman - Victoria - had told Edward about his father, I refused to buy that he had just accepted it and moved on. I feared this was just the calm before the storm, and if I would unload even more on him right now - like what happened with Jacob - it might just be too much for him to handle.

But then there was that little voice inside my head, telling me to give Edward a little credit. Sure, he already had a lot on his plate, but would I do him any favors in the long run by keeping things from him?

On the other hand, would it really make him feel better knowing what Jake had done? I would most likely - if I had anything to say about it - never see him again, so did it even matter? Was it worth the risk of adding to Edward's distress when he was already emotionally unstable as it was?

When I thought of it that way, the answer was a definite no. Eventually, I would have no choice but to explain my relationship with Jake, but maybe telling Edward about the unwanted kiss now would do more harm than good. I decided that I wasn't going to lie if he asked me about it, but I would choose my words very carefully.

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked suddenly, and I jumped, realizing I had become completely lost in my thoughts. We were sitting in the kitchen, munching on homemade chocolate chip cookies that Esme had baked the other day, and it had reminded me of Edward's failed attempt of making me cookies at the sleep-over, which felt like years ago now.

"Nothing, really," I lied, popping the last of my cookie into my mouth. Then I felt guilty and added, "Just thinking about Phoenix."

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment. "Your mom?"

"No." I sighed. "Never mind. It's not important."

He opened his mouth, most likely to object, when all of a sudden, Rosalie entered the kitchen. I hadn't even known she was in the house. Her cheeks turned slightly red when she spotted us - something very out of character for her. She cleared her throat, and when she spoke, she sounded nervous. "Hey, guys. Don't mind me, I was just gonna grab some sodas for me and Emmett."

I knew Emmett and Rosalie had gotten back together - Alice had informed me - and while I wanted to be happy for Emmett, I honestly didn't know how to act around Rosalie these days. According to Edward, she had apologized for her behavior, and he appeared to be okay with her being around again, even though he didn't exactly make any attempts of socializing with her.

Alice seemed to be happy, though, and I figured that if they could all forgive Rosalie, then so should I. And yet, there was a part of me that couldn't forget the hurtful comments she had dropped about Edward in the school cafeteria, even though months had passed by now. I supposed it was something I would just have to work on.

So I smiled, hoping it wouldn't come out as strained as if felt. "There are cookies if you want some," I offered, gesturing to the large plate Esme had left on the kitchen counter, and watched how Rosalie's eyes lit up.

Everybody loved Esme's cookies.

Emmett came bursting into the kitchen a moment later, and I found myself wondering if he had some kind of sixth sense, telling him whenever there was any baked goods around. The thought made me giggle, although I hurried to look innocent when he cast a curious look in my direction. He just shrugged and grabbed a handful of cookies.

His eyes then went from Edward to me, only to finally land on Rosalie. "Did you ask them, babe?" She shook her head.

Edward - who had been silent up until now - eyed him suspiciously. "What?"

Shoving an entire cookie into his mouth, Emmett chewed and swallowed before responding. "Oh, Rose and I were just talking about going out for dinner tonight. We thought you guys might want to join us?" There was hope in his voice. Glancing at Rosalie, I noted she didn't look opposed to the idea at all.

Maybe she really was coming around. I threw a questioning look at Edward, fully convinced that he would say no, but hoping he would at least be somewhat polite about it. Because, clearly, Emmett was trying, and - strange as the thought may seem to me - it appeared that Rosalie was as well.

I wasn't going to speak for Edward, though - the decision was up to him. It hit me that I was holding my breath. That was when Edward surprised the hell out of me by turning to me, asking if I wanted to go. I felt like my brows went up so high, they should have disappeared into my hairline, although I quickly covered up and gave him a tentative smile. "Whatever you want is fine with me."

For a moment he looked torn, like he had almost hoped I would turn the offer down and save him the trouble of doing so himself, but then he looked at Emmett and shrugged. "I guess. Whatever." While his response wasn't overly enthusiastic, it was far from the negative reaction I had expected.

It looked as if Rosalie wasn't the only one who was starting to come around. My heart swelled with pride, and I gave Edward a look of pure adoration. By the look of things, we were going on a double date tonight. Who would have thought? If anyone had told me so a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

But as happy as I was about the way Edward's relationship with his family was progressing, I couldn't help but worry. To tell the truth, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. My instinct was telling me that - sooner or later - it would all catch up on him and he would fall apart.

It was like he had taken Victoria's revelation and locked it up inside him without even realizing he was doing it, like it was too much for his mind to process. While he had been completely out of it the other night - which had both pained me and frightened me at the time - he had seemed pretty much okay the next morning.

Now I dreaded the moment he would stop and really take it all in, because he simply couldn't go on like this forever. Nobody could. Not that I could blame him for not knowing how to deal with the situation. I could only do my best to remind him that I was there for him.

I had considered talking to Carlisle again, hoping he would be able to give me some kind of advice on how to help Edward. But as long as Edward seemed to be holding himself together, I didn't want to start anything that might set him off. So I put a happy smile on my face and pretended everything was fine.

Seeing how Forks had a pretty limited selection of places to eat, Emmett had suggested we'd just take the car and go to Port Angeles instead, and we had all agreed. I was a little surprised that Edward didn't object to the one-hour drive, especially since it turned out we'd all be going together in Emmett's Jeep Wrangler. But he had just shrugged and followed me as I hesitantly climbed into the large vehicle.

I had to admit, Emmett really impressed me. Aside from telling an inappropriate joke in the car, involving a bunch of naked nuns and a Toyota - which earned him an appalled gasp and a smack on the head by Rosalie - he was acting really cool all night. More than once, I caught him glancing at the beautiful girl by his side with a happy grin on his face.

It was also very interesting to watch him and Edward interact together. A part of me had feared things would be kind of awkward between them, but much to my relief, I turned out to be wrong. Granted, Edward wasn't - and would most likely never be - the most social person, but he was clearly making an effort to throw a few words into the conversation every once in a while.

We ended up at the same restaurant where Carlisle and Esme had taken me and Edward after his first therapy session, and the food was just as good as the last time. Apparently, Bella Italia was the traditional place for the Cullens to have dinner whenever they were in Port Angeles, and I didn't mind at all.

Rosalie surprised me as well, being far from the bitchy ice-queen I had come to resent. If anything, she seemed to be making even more of an effort than Emmett, talking quietly about safe topics that wouldn't be offensive to anyone, and I found myself actually starting to warm up to her.

Of course, I couldn't help but wonder what had caused her to make such a complete one-eighty, but I wasn't going to complain. Deep down, I had a feeling the reason was sitting right there next to her, playing footsie with her under the table. Emmett wasn't the only one with a silly smile on his face whenever their eyes met.

"So, Alice told me she was thinking of throwing a party," Rosalie announced, taking a bite of her chicken. She looked at me. "You're coming, aren't you, Bella? Alice throws the most amazing parties."

I gulped down the last of my coke. "If I'm invited, sure."

Rosalie opened her mouth, but Emmett beat her to it, rolling his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, Bellie-Boo, you know you always have a standing invitation to our house."

"Well, that's nice to hear, but..." I stopped, giving him an incredulous look. "Bellie-Boo? Seriously, Emmett? What the hell was that?"

He grinned. "Just a new nickname I'm trying out. Thought it had a nice ring to it. What do you think?" He looked disappointed when I grimaced and firmly shook my head no. Rosalie snickered, and he gave her a wounded look.

"He's right, you know," Edward mumbled into my ear. Seeing my frown, he clarified, "About the standing invitation, not the fucking-awful nickname." He turned to look at Emmett, shaking his head. "You're an idiot."

Emmett just chuckled and shrugged, obviously not put out by the insult, and I couldn't help but wonder if offending each other might have become their way of showing affection. My suspicions only grew stronger when Emmett happily declared, "Well, in that case, you're the brother of an idiot!" That threw Edward for a moment, and he stared at Emmett with a dumbfounded expression.

I managed to keep from snorting, mostly because I secretly found their banter adorable, and turned back to Rosalie, "So, back to Alice throwing a party. It's not her birthday or anything, is it?" I felt bad for not knowing. Then it hit me that I had no idea when Edward's birthday was either. Some girlfriend I was. But to be honest, the subject had just never come up.

She shook her head. "Alice doesn't need an excuse like that to throw a party. Besides, her birthday's not until December."

Emmett nodded in agreement. "Edward's the one with the big birthday coming up soon." I noticed how Edward froze next to me, and wondered briefly what that was about.

"You didn't tell me. When?" I was relieved beyond words that I hadn't missed it.

"June 20," he mumbled, not meeting my eyes. "It's no big deal."

"Are you kidding?" Emmett gave him a look of bewilderment. "It's a huge deal, man! You'll be turning eighteen, which means..." he stopped himself as if something had just occurred to him, and finished with an awkward shrug, "...well, one should never turn down an opportunity to have cake."

Edward rolled his eyes, but I noted with relief that he didn't look too upset. I put my hand on his knee under the table, and was rewarded with my favorite smile. As we all started digging into our desserts, our conversation turned back to Alice and her potential party, and I was actually really enjoying myself - even more so when Edward absently started drawing patterns on my thigh with his thumb.

I had a pretty good feeling that if he realized what his innocent action was really doing to me, he wouldn't be so laid-back about the whole thing. Sometimes I just couldn't wait until Edward would finally feel comfortable touching me in more... _intimate_ places. He could kiss me without hesitation now - even in public - and he had no problem hugging and caressing me, but there were certain lines we just didn't cross.

Like for example, I had yet to see him with his shirt off. I longed to, but I was nervous about bringing it up, and not just because then I would have to take my clothes off as well. I knew that not only would it make Edward feel uncomfortable because of the scars he had mentioned once, but it would also bring back a lot of painful memories to him.

It just wasn't fair. Because of what that monster had done to him when he was just a little boy, Edward was now unable to enjoy something that most people would just take for granted. The mere thought of sex both terrified him and sickened him - he had even admitted so himself. It wasn't supposed to be like that.

A part of me felt guilty for even thinking about having sex with Edward when he so obviously wasn't ready, but I just couldn't help myself. I wanted to give myself to him completely, and - of course - I wanted him to be able to do the same for me. I was also curious, dying to know what it was like to share something so intimate with the one person you loved more than life itself.

And - God help me - I was horny. The thought made me blush, but nonetheless was it true. Stupid teenage hormones!

The rest of the evening passed without any awkward incidents, and it seemed like we all - including Edward - had a good time. He needed a break from everything, and I really hoped this night out made him see that he was perfectly capable of doing normal things that most couples would do, like double dating. Unless he would be completely opposed to the idea, I would make sure we'd do it again.

He was pretty quiet on the way home, though, but I tried not to fret about it. I wasn't a fool - of course he still had a lot to think about, and just because he was able to go on functioning - even making progress - didn't mean his mind wasn't a complete chaos of repressed thoughts and emotions.

I had no idea of knowing how Edward was really feeling - I could only pray he would be open and honest with me, letting me know the moment things would become too much and he needed me there to keep him from shattering.

Otherwise, I didn't know how to help him.


	82. Chapter 82

**A/N****: I just want to point out a few things. First - I don't believe in filler chapters. I don't write things just for the sake of producing a longer story. Everything is in here for a reason. Second - I know I've said this before, but it needs to be repeated. I'm not going to rush things in this story. Is it a slow process? Yes, no question about it. Is it necessary? Yes. To those of you who keep asking me to bring on the lemons, please take a moment and ask yourself if that would be realistic at this point. There are tons of stories out there with nothing but lemons in each chapter. This is not one of them. Not saying it will never happen, but please try to remember that Edward has suffered from sexual abuse for years as a child, and that's not something you get over by jumping into things before you're ready. He still has a lot of healing ahead of him. Ok, that's it, I'm not gonna keep wasting your time with my ramblings. Thank you so much, all of you who are still with me. Your support is everything to me. There's still a few things to deal with in the story, and I can only hope I won't disappoint you. I'll just let you read now.**

**OoO**

**Edward**

Carlisle had promised he would deal with the Victoria situation, and I knew he had been in contact with the Social Services since her visit a couple of days ago. According to him, they were going to set up an appointment with another social worker, just like he had suspected, but he told me not to worry about it, and even though it was hard not to, I forced myself to push it all to the back of my mind.

With Bella being back and Victoria - hopefully - out of the picture, I had decided to make an honest attempt of moving forward instead of keep dwelling on the past. I knew Bella was still concerned about me, so I did my best to convince her that I was okay. The truth was, I was just so fucking tired of _not_ being okay, and I figured Bella had to be as well.

The double date thing was something I had reluctantly agreed to, mostly to appease Bella, but also because I couldn't help but hope deep down that it would give me a sense of actually belonging in the real world instead of hiding from it. It may seem simple to anyone else - two couples going out for dinner together - but to me, it was something I had never even considered.

And to my utter surprise, it wasn't that bad.

It seemed like Bella had genuinely enjoyed herself as well, because when Emmett had dropped her off at her house and I walked her to the door to make sure she would get inside safely, she hugged me tightly and assured me the night had been absolutely perfect. Her face was a picture of pure happiness, which left me with a warm feeling inside. Seeing Bella happy made me happy, simple as that.

When we got home, Emmett immediately pulled out his phone, stating that he was going to call Rosalie and say good night, which seemed pretty odd to me, seeing how he had just dropped her off less than twenty minutes ago, but who was I to question the logic of his decision? Hell, I had just said good night to Bella, and I missed her already.

Maybe I should follow Emmett's example and give Bella a call as well. It would be a normal thing for a boyfriend to do, right? Plus, I would get to hear her voice again tonight. Hopefully she would appreciate the gesture and not think of it as stalker behavior.

Before I got the chance to call Bella, Alice came bouncing down the stairs. Although she smiled when she saw me, I could tell something was off, because the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "Hi, Edward. I heard you and Bella went out with Emmett and Rose. Did you have a good time?" She slumped down on the couch, pulling her feet up and tucking them beneath her.

"Um, yeah, sure." I frowned. To tell the truth, I had expected her to be a little more excited, seeing how me going on a double date would be considered a huge deal as far as Alice was concerned, and I had to admit I was somewhat disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm.

"That's great. I'm really happy for you." While she sounded sincere enough, she wouldn't meet my eyes. And when I took a closer look at her, I realized she was... pouting?

I cleared my throat. "Alice, is something wrong? Did I do something...?"

"God, no!" Her eyes shot to mine and I didn't miss the guilty look on her face. "I'm sorry, I'm being stupid. It's just..." she hesitated, "...well, Mom told me you guys were going out tonight, and I guess I just felt a bit... jealous." She ducked her head in shame.

I gave her a look of confusion. "But you weren't even home. You've been at Jasper's all day - if you'd been here, you could've come as well."

"That's not the point." The pout was back. "You went out with Emmett." Seeing my blank expression, she clarified, "I always hoped your first double date would be with me."

_Oh._

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be ridiculous, it's not your fault." Alice sighed. "It's just me being silly." She paused, and when she spoke again, there was a hopeful note in her voice, "Maybe some other time? You, me, Bella and Jasper? We could... I don't know, go see a movie or something?"

I nodded, even though I dreaded the thought of being trapped in a dark, crowded movie theater. "Sure, why not?" Alice's face lit up like I had just told her she had won a million dollars, and the idea of going to the movies suddenly seemed a little more bearable.

Also, I was pretty sure Bella would be thrilled. She had made no secret of the fact that she wanted me to get along with my family, and I knew she enjoyed hanging out with Alice as well. Besides, I had just survived spending an evening with Rosalie, surely I could handle a couple of hours with Jasper.

This was normal. I wanted to do normal. If I could do all of this, it would mean that - despite everything that had happened - I might actually be able to be the kind of boyfriend Bella deserved. We could do things, I could take her places. That would make her happy, and I wanted her to be happy.

_I_ wanted to be fucking happy.

So I had to be okay with all of this. I flat out refused to have another breakdown, disappoint everybody again and drag them all down with me. My family, Bella, they all cared about me, and I wanted them to be proud of me. I didn't want them to think of me as a lost cause, even though I deep down doubted I could ever be anything but.

That's why I kept telling them - and myself - that I was fine. Unfortunately, I was about to learn that you could only fool yourself for so long.

The next day, Bella and I were having out first joint therapy session with Dr. Weber - or Angela, as she insisted on being called. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, seeing how I had never felt comfortable being on first name basis with the shrinks in the past, but I didn't protest, not wanting to start the session by acting like an ass in front of Bella.

Carlisle - who had given us a ride to Port Angeles - promised to come back and pick us up when we were finished and ready to go home. Then he left to meet up with some colleague of his, who he had been planning to visit while Bella and I were at the session. I had to admit it felt good to know he would be close by.

Bella seemed a bit nervous when we stepped into the office, although she obviously tried not to let it show. Instead she smiled shyly and shook Dr. Weber's hand. "Hi, I'm Bella."

"It's very nice to meet you, Bella." Dr. Weber returned the smile. "I'm happy you could join us today. Why don't we all take a seat?" She gestured for the couch. "Would either of you like anything to drink?" Bella politely asked for a glass of water, but I just shook my head. A moment later, we were all seated, included Dr. Weber who sat down in one of the armchairs across the small table.

Needless to say, Bella and I were both sitting on the couch, as close together as we could possibly get. I felt her leg brush against mine, and was immediately filled with a sense of comfort. Surely this couldn't be too bad, as long as she was sitting right there next to me. Or so I hoped. I took a deep breath, trying not to think about what was ahead of me.

"So, Bella..." Bella's head shot up and she gave Dr. Weber an expectant look. "This is your first therapy session. How do you feel about being here?"

"Um..." Bella threw a brief look at me. "I feel okay. Maybe a little nervous."

"Why are you nervous?" Dr. Weber asked softly.

"I don't know." Bella bit her lip. "I've never done anything like this before, so I guess I'm not really sure what to do." I reached for her hand, and she gave me a small smile.

Dr. Weber nodded in understanding. "I see. Well, you don't have to worry, Bella. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Edward the first time we met. I'm here for you, not the other way around. There is no right or wrong in this room. We'll work it out together, as we go. Does that sound okay to you?" Bella nodded, clearly a bit more at ease.

"Edward..." Dr. Weber turned to me. "How do you feel about Bella being here today?"

I shrugged, not because I didn't know the answer to that, but because I still didn't feel comfortable discussing my feelings this openly. Then again, I realized that was part of the reason I was here - to learn to talk about my fucking feelings. I held back a sigh, knowing this was an easy question compared to what was coming. "It makes me feel better. I want her here." I turned to Bella. "I do."

The smile she gave me made all my fears and worries melt away. Well, for the moment, anyway. "I know, baby," she whispered. "I want to be here with you as well." The sincerity was evident in her voice.

Dr. Weber looked pleased. "That's what I wanted to hear, Bella. It's perfectly understandable for you to feel nervous, awkward, or even afraid. That's all right. The important thing is that - despite all that - you do want to be here." She then turned to me. "Same goes for you, Edward, but we've already been through this." I nodded, somewhat reluctantly.

She went on, her attention still directed at me, "So, how have you been since we last saw each other?"

"Just fine," I responded automatically. Bella frowned next to me, but she stayed quiet, and I shrugged her reaction off. Well, it was true, or so I told myself.

Dr. Weber made a humming sound. "I see. Why don't you tell me a little about your weekend?" I froze, realizing where she was going with this. When I remained silent, she folded her hands in her lap, and when she spoke, there was sympathy in her voice, "I understand you've had quite a rough start on your spring break, Edward. Especially three days ago, which was Monday. Wanna tell me about it?"

It was Bella who spoke up, and there was doubt and disbelief in her voice. "How do you know about that?"

Clearly a little surprised, Dr. Weber opened her mouth, but I beat her to it. "She knows because Carlisle told her."

Bella looked at me, her eyes wide as saucers. Then her expression turned angry. "Is that true, Dr. Weber? Isn't that against the rules or something? I thought you weren't allowed to discuss-"

I cut her off. "Bella, it's okay. I know they talk to each other between sessions. I'm cool with it." And I was. To tell the truth, it was actually a relief knowing I wouldn't have to explain every little tragic detail about my life here in this room.

"Oh." Bella's cheeks turned bright red, and I knew her enough to know that she was embarrassed. She gave Dr. Weber an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I guess I overreacted..." her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes.

"Not at all," Dr. Weber assured her. "You were simply expressing your concern, and I'm sorry for not explaining things to you more clearly before we started. You're absolutely right - it's strictly forbidden for a doctor to discuss a patient outside the office without permission. I promise you, Bella, nothing leaves this room without Edward's approval. And the same goes for you. You can speak freely in here."

Bella just nodded, although she kept her head downcast. Dr. Weber smiled softly. "I can tell you're feeling quite protective of Edward. There is nothing wrong with that. You two seem to be very close."

"I just don't want him to hurt anymore," Bella mumbled, finally raising her head and looking straight at me. "Edward, I can't stand it when you're in pain."

I closed my eyes for a moment. "Bella, I'm fine." Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Really, I am!" I insisted, almost desperately. It was obvious that she didn't believe me, and it made me angry. Granted, my anger wasn't really directed at her, but I was getting angry all the same. Couldn't she see that I was fucking trying? Didn't she understand that I _had_ to be fine? Why did she have to question me?

Of course, she wasn't really questioning me, at least not out loud. But she hadn't just accepted my words and agreed with me, either. "I don't wanna talk about this," I grumbled then, knowing perfectly well that I sounded like a sullen five-year-old. But I didn't care.

Bella opened her mouth, without doubt to object, but Dr. Weber spoke up before she got the chance. "Let's talk about something else, then. Edward, you never finished telling me what happened three days ago."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. "I never fucking _started_ telling you. Does it even matter? You already know most of it, anyway."

"Fair enough." Dr. Weber gave me a knowing look. "Let me rephrase that. How do you feel about what happened three days ago?"

A bitter laugh escaped me. "Are you aware of how many times you've started a sentence with those words since we arrived?"

"Edward!" Bella hissed next to me.

"It's all right," Dr. Weber told her calmly. Then she turned back to me. "Possibly more than five times, probably less than ten. How do you feel about that?" I just gaped at her, and she actually had the nerve to smile.

"Sorry," I muttered, not sure why I was acting so defensive all of a sudden. I threw a pleading look at Bella, watched how understanding flashed across her face, and nearly sobbed in relief when she immediately took my hand and held it gently between hers. And just like that, I felt myself relax.

Dr. Weber had been watching our silent interaction with interest. Now she leaned back in the chair. "Edward, did you bring the notebook I gave you?"

I instantly felt guilty, because after the last session, I hadn't given that book a second thought. So I shook my head. "No, I forgot. Sorry."

"That's okay. It's up to you whether or not you want to bring it here." She didn't sound upset or offended. "May I ask if you have written anything in it so far?" I just shook my head again. She nodded in acceptance. "All right. I'll stop trying to put the words in your mouth. What would you like to talk about right now?"

I blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered. The urge to say that I didn't want to talk about anything was strong, but I realized it would be pointless. Sure, I could stall things for as long as I wanted, hell, I had done so before, but it wouldn't do any good in the long run. I sighed. "I don't wanna dwell on what's fucked up in my life. I just wanna leave that behind me."

"That sounds like a healthy aspect." I could sense a 'but' coming up, and it turned out I was right. "But Edward, there's a difference between moving on and avoiding."

I glared at her. "I'm not avoiding anything. I'm telling you - I'm okay! I'm fucking ready to move on with my life." She didn't respond, which only fueled my anger. "What, you don't believe me?"

"What I believe is not that important." Dr. Weber smiled, sadly. "Be honest with yourself, Edward. Do _you_ believe in what you just said?" I nodded, stubbornly. "Well, that's all that matters, then. But let me ask you one thing." I raised a brow, waiting for her to continue. "If you're really okay, then why can't you talk about what happened?"

I shook my head in protest. "That's not true. I can talk about it." Seeing her expectant expression, I mumbled, "I just don't want to."

"Because it brings back bad memories?" she asked in a soft voice. I shrugged, then nodded, feeling how Bella squeezed my hand. "Tell me something, Edward. How do you expect to move on, if you can't accept and deal with the memories of your past? They will always be a part of you."

Great, now she sounded just like Carlisle. I had to suppress a groan. "Never said I can't deal with it."

"Right." Dr. Weber nodded, slowly. "You just don't want to." I didn't respond.

"I have a question." Bella kept her eyes locked on her hands, still wrapped tightly around mine. I didn't know at first if her question was directed at me or the doc, so I just glanced at her, waiting for her to go on. "What's the point in us being here, if you're not being honest?"

I felt like I had just been hit by a bucket of ice water. "Why would you say that?" I demanded, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. "Why do you think I'm not being honest?" A part of me was hoping for some kind of input from Dr. Weber, but she stayed silent.

Bella hesitated. "Edward, I want to believe you when you say you're okay, I really do."

"Then believe me." I folded my arms angrily across my chest. "I'm fucking trying here, Bella. Isn't that what you want?"

She dropped my hand, and I nearly wept with the loss of contact. But then she placed her palm on my cheek, and I instinctively leaned into her touch. "I believe you," she whispered, and I tried not to let the lack of conviction in her voice bother me. I glanced at her. "I'm sorry," she mumbled then, and I could see the sincerity in her eyes. "I'm trying, too."

Grateful that she wasn't going to push me, I just nodded. So, she still doubted me. I knew I couldn't blame her. In that moment, I made my decision. I would just have to work that much harder to make her and everyone else see that I was being serious. I really was fine.

Because I fucking had to be.


	83. Chapter 83

**A/N****: Thank you, all of you lovely ladies on Twitter who helped me with this chapter, no one mentioned and no one forgotten. You know who you are. :) Also, a huge thanks to all my wonderful reviewers. If I won't be able to update again before the weekend, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.**

OoO

**Bella**

I knew Edward meant it when he said he was trying. The problem was - in my opinion - that he was trying too hard. He wasn't fooling me with the whole 'I'm fine' charade, but I realized that arguing with him would only make things worse. So I decided to step back and let him do this at his own pace, even though it killed me to watch him put on a brave face and pretend everything was okay.

Hopefully, he would eventually come to his senses. And I planned to be there for him every step of the way, no matter what.

We were going back to see Dr. Weber again next week, and she had told us she wanted our next session to be longer than the first one. She insisted on signing us up for ninety minutes instead of just an hour, and when I asked why, she explained that she first wanted to see both of us separately, and then we would finish the session together. Edward didn't look pleased, but he hadn't protested, and neither had I.

I just assumed she knew what she was doing. She was a professional after all.

When Alice called me a few days later, happily announcing that Edward and I were going on a double date with her and Jasper, I couldn't help but tease her a little, pretending I had no idea what she was talking about and that I had already made other plans. I was met by silence, and could just imagine how her face fell. Of course, I instantly felt bad, assuring her I was only kidding and that we were on.

To tell the truth, I was excited. It had been nice to go out with Emmett and Rose, but Alice was my best friend, and I had longed to hang out with both her and Edward at the same time. I had to admit that Edward had always been my first priority, and it felt really good to be able to spend time with Alice as well. And Jasper was cool. I liked him, even though I didn't really know him that well.

We were just going to see a movie, and then - assuming we were all still up for it - maybe stop someplace for ice-cream. Edward insisted on driving, and I suspected it made him feel more in control of the situation. I was so proud of him for making an effort, and firmly told myself to put my worries about him to the side, at least for the night.

That night, I rummaged through my closet for something decent to wear, and settled for a cute white top and a pair of tight, dark blue jeans. I would look nice, but not over-dressed. Perfect. Realizing I had about an hour before I had to be ready, I quickly showered before getting dressed. Then I blow-dried my hair, and even applied a small amount of make-up before I was happy with my appearance.

Edward showed up just on time - I easily recognized the sound of his car when he pulled into the driveway - and I flew down the stairs, almost tripping over my own feet in my eagerness to beat my dad to the door. Charlie raised a brow at me when he saw me, but kept silent as I all but rushed past him and flung the front door open. "Hi, Edward," I said breathlessly, beaming at him.

"Hey, Bella." He leaned in towards me and I waited eagerly for his lips to meet mine, but then he glanced over my shoulder into the house, spotted Charlie who had walked up behind me, and froze in his tracks. To Edward's credit, he didn't back away completely, but he settled for giving me a brief peck on the cheek.

I gave him a soft smile, thrilled by the fact that he felt comfortable enough to show me even that kind of affection in front of my father. As much as I wanted to just throw myself in his arms, kissing him with all the passion I could muster, I struggled to control myself and my urge to be close to him. The last thing I wanted was for Edward to feel awkward.

Or to give Charlie a heart attack, for that matter.

"Evening, Edward." My dad nodded in greeting.

"Hello, Charlie." I was very pleased that Edward no longer felt obligated to address my dad as Chief Swan, even though he still sometimes tended to avoid eye contact when speaking to him. Charlie never seemed to mind, though, and I often wondered exactly how much he really knew about Edward's situation. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to ask him straight out.

My eyes widened in surprise when Edward held out a single red flower that seemed to have appeared from nowhere, and I stared at him in awe. He gave me a shy smile, and I instantly melted. "It's so beautiful," I whispered. "Thank you."

I was no expert on flowers, but my mom had loved them, and Phil used to buy her a fresh bouquet every week. This one looked vaguely familiar, and I was pretty certain it was a chrysanthemum.

The first time Edward brought me flowers, he had all but squeezed the poor thing to death on his way over, and then practically thrust it at my face like he was afraid it would bite him. It was obvious to me that he was a lot less nervous this time, handling the delicate flower much more carefully.

I couldn't resist asking, "Does it mean anything?" recalling the way my entire body had tingled with happiness when I had googled the meaning of the purple freesia he had given me the last time.

Sweetness, friendship, and trust.

Of course, by now our relationship had grown way past the friendship stage. While the freesia had been just as beautiful as this one, I secretly hoped this flower would reflect the feelings Edward had for me now. I couldn't wait to find out for sure.

"Yeah... Um, Alice and Jasper are waiting in the car, we should probably, you know..." Edward looked a little embarrassed, and I was once again reminded of my father's presence. Charlie cleared his throat and quickly offered to put the flower in water so we could leave. He told us to have fun, reminded me not to stay out too late, and then hurried towards the kitchen with the flower in his hand.

I made a mental note to find out the meaning of red chrysanthemum as soon as I got home tonight.

Alice was literally bouncing up and down in her seat when Edward and I entered the car. "Bella, we're gonna have so much fun tonight!" she chirped. "The movie's supposed to be really good." I had to admit I didn't remember the name of the movie we were seeing, but I smiled widely and nodded in agreement, not wanting to put a damper on Alice's mood.

In all honesty, I couldn't care less about the movie itself, but that didn't mean I wasn't every bit as excited as Alice. The thought of me and Edward sitting close together in the back of the movie theater, holding hands and sharing a bucket of greasy popcorn sounded like heaven to me. And my best friend would be there as well. It was just perfect.

At least that was what I thought.

Edward was quiet in the car, and while he had seemed pretty relaxed when he first came to pick me up, I could literally feel the way his tension grew by the minute. Alice didn't seem to notice, too busy talking our ears off, and Jasper was - as usual - calmness personified. But I was starting to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

When we arrived at the movie theater and Edward had still barely said two words, I decided enough was enough and deliberately dropped my purse, causing the contents to scatter all over the floor. I feigned surprise and annoyance, insisting for Alice and Jasper to go ahead of us so they could get the tickets. As soon as they were out of sight, I turned to Edward. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He gave me an almost startled look as he bent down to help me pick up my belongings. "What do you mean?"

"You seem... off, somehow." I watched him carefully, searching his face for his reaction to my words. "Look, Edward, if you don't want to do this..."

"Why wouldn't I want to do this?" There was a slight hint of irritation in his voice, even though I could tell he was struggling to act casual. "Bella, there's nothing wrong, I promise. I'm-"

"If you say 'fine' one more time, I think I'm going to scream," I told him honestly. "Edward, I don't wanna fight with you. Just please tell me what you're thinking right now."

He sighed. "You really wanna know what I'm thinking?" I nodded. "I'm thinking we'd better hurry, or there won't be enough time to buy popcorn before the movie starts." He must have seen the way my face fell, because he reached out to take my hand, giving me an almost pleading look. "Don't look at me like that, love. Let's just have fun tonight. That's all I want."

I would have been thrilled to hear those words from him, had it not been for the way his voice had turned almost robotic. As I took a closer look at him, I realized his hands were trembling. I placed my hand softly on his arm, almost expecting him to flinch back. Luckily, he didn't. I tried to smile, failing miserably. "Hey, why don't we just go rent a movie instead? We could all watch it at home, I'm sure Alice-"

"No!" Edward cut me off, firmly shaking his head. "Fuck, Bella, will you drop it? Can we just go watch the fucking movie?" Before I got the chance to say anything, he grabbed my arm and pulled me against him almost fiercely, wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he rambled quickly, sounding close to panic. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"Shh, I know, it's okay," I murmured, hugging him tightly as I tried to blink back the tears. He was hurting me with the way he was acting, but I knew it wasn't intentional, and I couldn't stay mad at him. I just wished he would stop being so stubborn and accept the fact that I only wanted to help him. "I'm sorry, too, baby. Let's just go find Alice and Jasper, okay?" I felt him nod against me.

Edward pulled back and grabbed hold of my hand, glancing at me before leading me to where Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. I gave him a reassuring smile, silently telling myself to back off. It was painfully obvious how badly he wanted this night to be successful, but I just didn't understand why he had to push himself so hard.

It was like he was trying to prove to himself that he could do this, and while I had to admire him for his efforts, I feared it would backfire at him before the night was over. And I was deeply afraid of what that would do to him. Still, I knew I had to let Edward make these kind of decisions by himself.

Alice ran up to us as soon as she spotted us, Jasper in tow, and I didn't miss the concern in her voice. "There you guys are. Is everything okay?"

I opened my mouth, but Edward beat me to it. "Sure. Did you get the tickets?" She nodded.

Then I could practically see the light bulb flash above her head, as something had clearly just occurred to her. "Hey Edward, why don't you and Jazz go get us all some snacks and sodas? Bella and I have to visit the ladies room." I struggled against the urge to roll my eyes, because it was obvious to me what she was trying to do, and I was certain Edward wouldn't appreciate it.

"That's okay, Alice, I don't need to go. But you go ahead, we'll just wait for you." I gave her a look that clearly indicated that I was serious. She looked as if she was about to object, but I wasn't going to give in.

Edward, on the other hand, just shrugged, muttered a 'whatever', and strode away towards the concession stand without bothering to see if Jasper would follow. Jasper winked at me. "It's all right, Bella. Just go with Alice. We'll be right back." Then he hurried to catch up with Edward.

I bit my lip, turning to Alice. "I'm being ridiculous and over protective, aren't I?"

"I wasn't going to say anything." She gave me a sympathetic smile. "Bella, I get what you're trying to do, believe me. You're worried about him. But maybe you should try to relax a little. We're here to have a good time, remember? Besides, you need to have faith in Edward. He will be okay without you for five minutes, I promise."

When she put it that way, I felt really stupid. No wonder Edward would get annoyed with me - he must feel like I was treating him like a child. But I honestly didn't mean to, I just wanted to protect him. At the same time, I realized I wasn't doing him any favors by mollycoddling him. Alice was right - I did need to relax.

But it was hard, when I felt so completely helpless. And it frightened me more than I wanted to admit.

A few minutes later, the boys returned, arms loaded with large buckets of popcorn and cups of coke. Edward walked up to me and handed me a small bag of Raisinets and another one with M&M's. "Didn't know which one you'd like best," he mumbled, looking somewhat awkward.

I smiled at him, touched by his thoughtfulness. "I love both, actually. Thank you." He looked relieved, placing his hand gently on my back as we went to find our seats. It turned out we would be sitting in the back row, near the exits, and I suspected Alice had deliberately asked for those seats with Edward in mind. I wouldn't put it past her, and told myself to thank her later for being so considerate.

As the lights went off and the movie was about to start, I felt Edward tense up next to me. I fought back the urge to ask him if he was all right, knowing what his answer would be. Instead I reached for his hand, causing him to jump slightly, and I silently cursed myself for startling him. This surely hadn't started out very well.

Little did I know, things would get a lot worse.

Edward squeezed my hand tightly and I tried to snuggle closer to him, which proved to be difficult because of the armrest between us, keeping us apart. I wished we could have gotten a love seat, but there were only a few of them, already occupied. Holding back a sigh, I struggled to find a comfortable position. Eventually I gave up, and tried to focus on the movie.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be the worst movie I had ever seen, with lame dialogue, lousy stunts and bad actors. About halfway through, I happened to glance to my left, and noticed that Alice was practically in Jasper's lap. They both seemed to be lost to the world, kissing with passion. Obviously, I was not the only one who found the movie boring.

Then again, knowing Alice, she probably didn't need an excuse to be fondling with Jasper.

I turned to my right, wondering how Edward would react if I leaned in to kiss him. Seeing how he was still sitting in the exact same position, facing forward and never even looking in my direction, I found it highly unlikely that he was going to take the first step. The thought of making out with Edward in the darkness of the movie theater filled me with excitement.

Remembering how he had reacted when I had simply taken his hand - nearly jumping out of the seat - I didn't dare act on my impulses without first giving him some kind of heads-up. But what was I supposed to do? Whisper to him straight out that I wanted to kiss him, would that be okay? I felt my cheeks turn red and was thankful no one could see me.

_Hey Edward, Alice and Jasper are sucking face next to me and I kinda want that too. Would you mind?_ I rolled my eyes at myself. Yeah, right! What was I - twelve? Maybe if I just leaned in and tried to catch his attention, then I wouldn't have to say anything. Right, because Edward could read my mind. I nearly snorted at the thought. With my luck, I would probably just bump my head into his.

Lost in my thoughts, I was only vaguely aware of Edward suddenly dropping my hand. It wasn't until his breathing picked up rapidly that I realized something was wrong. He still didn't move, though, and I struggled to remain calm. "Edward," I whispered, placing my hand softly on his chest. My eyes widened when I could feel his heart beating wildly. "Baby, what's the matter?"

I felt a chill down my spine when he kept staring straight ahead, as if he wasn't even aware of my presence. His body was shaking now, and I tried to fight back the panic, not knowing what to do. Throwing a helpless look at Alice, still all caught up with Jasper, I then turned back to Edward with determination.

Wherever he was right now - mentally, that was - I was fairly positive I could bring him back. After all, I had managed before. I forced myself not to worry about the outcome as I reached out my trembling hand to cup his cheek, carefully turning his face in my direction. My heart dropped when he seemed to be looking right through me.

"Edward," I breathed, trying to be as quiet as I could, not wanting to draw any attention to us. I ignored Alice, who finally tore her attention away from Jasper as she seemed to realize something was not right. "Edward, listen to me. You-" That was how far I got before his arm shot out and forcefully pushed me back into my seat. I gasped in surprise, causing the people sitting in front of us to turn around.

Edward was looking at me now, and even in the darkness, I could see the horror in his eyes as he scrambled away from me. I opened my mouth, holding out my hand to stop him. But it was too late, because he was already out of his seat.

And before I knew it, he was gone.

**OoO**

**End Notes****: Please trust me and don't hate me. :P**


	84. Chapter 84

**A/N****: ****Look at that, I did manage to finish another chapter before Christmas! :) Thank you all so much for your reviews, and Happy Holidays!**

**OoO**

**Edward**

Alice had been bugging me about the fucking double date for days, and when I finally agreed, she was over the moon. She was jumping up and down, squealing, and then impulsively threw her arms around me. I tensed up for a brief moment, more out of habit than anything else, because these things didn't really bother me anymore, as long as I wasn't taken off guard.

It took a moment before Alice realized what she had just done, and I felt how she froze dead in her tracks. Then she immediately let go of me and all but jumped backwards, apologizing over and over until I rolled my eyes and told her to stop. Her face was a mixture of surprise and relief, and I figured it would take her some time to get used to the fact that I no longer shied away from physical contact in panic.

She insisted I had to bring Bella flowers, and it made me think of that article Emmett had given me all those weeks ago. I was pretty certain I still had it somewhere up in my room, and decided to take a look and see if I could find something that described my feelings for Bella now. Not that I would ever admit to having read the damn thing in the first place...

The way Bella's face lit up when she saw the flower made me feel all warm inside, and for a moment, I didn't feel like a complete screw-up. I was just a guy, taking his girlfriend out on a real date. I could do this - I could make Bella happy. I wanted her to just relax and enjoy the night out, and I'd be damned if I was going to fuck this up for her.

I should've known things would never be that fucking simple.

Reality came crashing down on me in the car, when Alice started ranting about the movie and how she couldn't wait to snuggle up with Jasper in the dark. I don't know why the thought hadn't occurred to me before, because it should have been obvious. It suddenly hit me that not only would I have to sit in a room full of strangers, but I would also be surrounded by darkness.

Fucking great! How would I ever be able to relax and concentrate on the movie now? I nearly panicked and pulled over to the side of the road, but somehow, I managed to keep driving. Bella was sitting next to me in the passenger seat and I could feel her eyes on me, knowing she could sense my rising anxiety, so I forced myself to appear neutral.

Bella couldn't know how I really felt, because then she would insist on us changing our plans for the night, and I couldn't do that to her. I knew she would do it in a heartbeat, always so selfless and eager to please me, to make sure I was comfortable. She deserved better than always having to look out for me, always having to put my needs before her own.

She deserved a perfect night, and I was going to give it to her. Fuck my irrational fears and emotions that didn't make any sense. It was all just in my head - there was nothing in the movie theater that could hurt me, darkness or not. I was being pathetic, and if I couldn't go through with this, I might as well just return to the dark place that used to be my life before I met Bella, alone and fucking miserable.

No, I flat out refused to go back there. I could do this, there was nothing to be afraid of. I was perfectly fine.

Still, the uneasy feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away, no matter how many times I told myself to get a fucking grip. Bella cornered me once we were out of the car, trying to make me tell her what was wrong, but I played dumb and pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. She wouldn't give up, though, and I ended up lashing out at her, practically shouting at her to get the fuck off my back.

The guilt welled up inside me as soon as my harsh words had left my mouth and I panicked, grabbing Bella and clinging to her almost desperately, terrified that she would leave me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I babbled frenetically. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

I had to fix this. I had to make Bella see that I was capable of doing normal things - like taking her to the fucking movies - without freaking out about it. She had been looking forward to this, and I was not going to let her down. She needed to know that she could depend on me.

Instead of calling me out on being an ass, Bella just hugged me close and held on to me tightly as she assured me we were okay, being understanding and supportive as usual. While it made me hate myself even more for snapping at her, I couldn't deny that it felt fucking good. And it made me even more determined to make it through this night, to make it up to her.

To my utter relief, our seats turned out to be close to the exits, which made me feel somewhat better, knowing I would have a free escape route should I need one. Of course, I prayed it wouldn't come to that. But when the light went off, it didn't take long for my anguish to set in.

What the fuck was I doing here?

I nearly jumped through the roof when I felt something warm brush against my hand, but then I realized it was just Bella and silently berated myself for being such a basket case. She scooted closer to me, and I found myself squeezing her hand like a fucking life line.

The movie started and I tensed up again - it was so fucking loud. As much as I tried to relax, I just couldn't. How people could actually enjoy this was beyond me. The room was too large, too dark, and full of strangers - anyone could be a potential threat. Sure, I knew deep down I was being irrational, but my brain was going into overdrive and I couldn't stop the disturbing thoughts and images.

Bella shifted next to me and I felt her watching me, although I wouldn't look at her, knowing she would be able to sense my distress even in the dark. I wouldn't ruin this for her - at least one of us should be able to have a good time. And it sure as hell wouldn't be me.

I tried to focus on the movie playing on the huge screen, I really did. Taking large gulps of my soda, I struggled to keep the panic from overwhelming me, telling myself that it was just a fucking movie and that none of the strangers in the room would even bother to look at me, let alone attempt to hurt me. There was no outside threat - I was perfectly safe.

In my heart, I already knew all of this. It was my fucked up brain that was the problem.

And suddenly I was no longer sitting in my seat at the movie theater - I was sitting on the hard floor in my old room back in Chicago. I could even feel the wall pressing into my back, and I knew I was not alone. He was always there and he wanted to hurt me, not because I had been bad, but because he enjoyed it. Because he could. Because I was too weak to stop him.

It had always been a game to him, I had just refused to see it. Not that it made any difference. No matter the reason for his actions, the fucking pain was just the same. The feeling of being trapped, slowly choking to death. It wasn't a reasonable punishment, I realized that now. It was all about him, getting off on causing me pain. Ripping me to shreds, mentally as well as physically. And his voice.

I could live for a hundred years, and still never forget his voice. In fact, I was hearing it right now.

_'Get up and face the wall!'___

_'Tell me why I'm doing this!'___

_'You leave me no choice but to punish you!'___

_'You are worthless!'___

_'Take it in your mouth!'_

Someone was touching me and I lashed out instinctively, only to become aware of my surroundings in the next moment. James was not here, he was not the one talking to me. It had just been another flashback, another memory. I was at the movie theater and had just pushed Bella away from me, hard enough for her to gasp and attract the attention of the people around us.

Horror and shame welled over me, and I didn't even think as I scrambled out of my seat and bolted. People turned to stare after me, no doubt annoyed at me for disrupting the quiet by rushing out in the middle of the movie and letting the light in, but I didn't care. And I didn't stop, even when I heard Bella calling out my name. I just had to get away.

It was too fucking much.

I fled to the men's room, grateful to find it completely empty. Of course, everyone else would still be busy watching the movie. Locking myself up in one of the stalls, I closed my eyes and tried to get my breathing under control. It was blissfully quiet, and for the first time since we arrived at the movie theater, I found myself relaxing, if ever so slightly.

Unfortunately, it didn't last very long. While the panic had lost its grip on me, the humiliation remained, and only growing stronger by the second.

The thought of going back out there and face the others made me feel nauseous, and I could only imagine what they must be thinking of me right now. Once again, I had managed to screw up. No matter how hard I tried, it would never be good enough. Why the fuck did I even bother? Oh, right. Because of Bella.

But it was becoming more and more obvious that I would always be a disappointment to her. Hell, I couldn't even take her to the fucking movies. I really was the worst, most pathetic excuse for a boyfriend, ever. It was only to be expected, but still, the realization hurt like a bitch. I wanted to fucking cry, and probably would have, had I not already emasculated myself enough to last a lifetime.

The door to the bathroom suddenly opened and someone stepped inside, stopping outside the line of stalls. My heart started beating faster again, and I found myself holding my breath, willing the person to go away. After a brief moment of silence, I heard a familiar voice quietly calling out my name. "Edward? You in here, man? Are you okay?"

Jasper. I let out a gust of air, contemplating whether or not I should just ignore him and hope he would leave. The seconds ticked by and he didn't speak again, but there was no sound indicating that he was leaving, either. I supposed I _could_ always just demand for him to leave me the fuck alone, but something told me it would be pointless, seeing how he probably wouldn't go very far.

Alice must have forced him to follow me here, since she and Bella wouldn't be allowed to enter the men's room, and I figured he didn't want to end up on her shit list. I sighed, flushing just for good measure, waited a few seconds, and then most reluctantly left the stall.

He was standing outside, just like I had known he would, discreetly taking a few steps back as I walked past him without a word and headed for the sinks. Then I stopped, still facing away from him, and said in a cold voice, "Unless you're here to use the facilities, you might as well just go back outside and tell Alice you've done your good deed for the day. Consider yourself off the hook."

Much to my annoyance, he didn't seemed taken aback by my hostility. "Actually, Alice specifically asked me _not_ to go in here. So did Bella, by the way. I have to say, your girl can be quite... feisty." He let out a small chuckle.

I frowned at his words, but didn't turn around. "Then what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Well, _they_ couldn't come in here to check on you now, could they?" Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that he was leaning casually against the wall, although I didn't miss the look of concern on his face. "Seriously, Edward, are you okay? Bella's freaking out, and I wouldn't be surprised if she barged in here at any moment. What happened?"

"None of your fucking business," I grumbled, beyond embarrassed. Then his word registered. "Bella's outside? Why? She's missing the fucking movie." Another wave of guilt washed over me.

"She doesn't care about the movie, believe me." Jasper was quiet for a moment. "Look, you don't owe me any explanation. You might find this hard to believe, but I'm really just in here because I care. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

I let out a bitter laugh. "Oh, I'm fucking peachy."

"Somehow, I doubt that." He watched me calmly. "But if it makes you feel better, I'll drop it." A pause. "Let's just get out of here, all right? There are two lovely ladies waiting for us, and I don't know about you, but I for one wouldn't mind just skipping the rest of the movie, because frankly, it sucks. What do you say?"

I gave him a suspicious look, trying to figure him out. There was no logical explanation why Jasper would give a damn about me, unless Alice had put him up to it. Sure, he had always been polite and respectful towards me, but I mostly just ignored him whenever he came to the house, or if I ran into him at school.

Alice used to insist that Jasper wanted to be my friend, but I always just shrugged her off. Or to be more accurate, I would tell her straight out that I didn't give a rat's ass.

So, yeah, he had absolutely no reason to be nice to me. And yet here he was. What was even more shocking was the fact that his laid-back attitude somehow seemed to have a calming effect on me, because the urge to tell him to fuck off and leave me the hell alone had drastically diminished.

Still, the thought of leaving the quiet and safety of the restroom and stepping back out there, where I would have to face the concern of Bella and Alice, filled me with dread. They shouldn't have to interrupt their night of normalcy and fun because of me. This was a huge fucking mistake, and I should've seen it coming. I never should've come here - I was a fool for ever thinking I could do something like this.

Obviously seeing my hesitation, Jasper cleared his throat and spoke up again, softly, "Hey, I don't know what's going on, but let me tell you this. Hiding in here will only work for so long. Eventually, you will have to go out there, or Bella will get ideas."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I demanded.

Jasper shrugged. "Just saying, you wouldn't want her to think you're avoiding her or something. Because, really, you shouldn't. Bella is a great girl and you obviously mean the world to her. Give her some credit. Besides..." He raised a brow. "Why would you wanna stay in here and be stuck with me, when you can be with her?"

I rolled my eyes at his logic. He did have a point. And I knew I couldn't stay in here forever.

"I... kinda have a problem with dark and crowded places," I heard myself saying. For some reason, I suddenly felt like I should offer him at least some kind of explanation for my behavior. Not that I owed him anything, even he had said as much. But he didn't have to be here talking to me. Hell, he had every right to be pissed at me for ruining his night. And yet he was being nice to me.

He nodded in response to my statement. "Then you're a hell of a lot more brave than I am." Seeing my confusion, he clarified, "I have a problem with heights, and I would rather cut off my own hand and run around school naked than taking Alice out skydiving or something like that. Really, I'm impressed you even agreed to come here in the first place." He nodded towards the door. "Coming?"

I just looked at him blankly for a moment, then snapped out of it and nodded, following him out without a word.

Bella ran up to me the moment I stepped through the door, her worried eyes immediately finding mine. After hesitating for a brief moment, she then wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my chest. "I love you," she murmured, rubbing soft circles on my back. And that was it. No questions, no accusations. My arms slipped around her and I hugged her close.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, but she only shushed me and tightened her grip on me, her fingers finding my hair. For a minute or so, we just stood like that, and then we were brought back to reality as Alice softly cleared her throat. I reluctantly pulled back from Bella, although I couldn't bring myself to release her completely.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked carefully, eying me somewhat warily. I just nodded. She didn't look convinced. "Are you sure?" When I just looked at her pointedly, she hesitated a little before she went on, "Well, I think we should probably head home. Why don't we-"

"I don't wanna go home," I cut her off, because I suddenly couldn't stand the way she was looking at me, like she was afraid I would fall apart any moment. "I thought we were going out for ice-cream. We can still go. My treat." I gave her a look that dared her to object.

Alice blinked in surprise. "Edward, I don't think-"

Again, I interrupted her, struggling to keep my voice down, because my frustration was growing. "Alice, will you just fucking stop it? I said I'm okay, and now I wanna have ice-cream! If you're not up to it, Bella and I will just go by ourselves." I turned to Bella. "You'll come with me, right?"

She bit her lip, glanced at Alice, and then nodded. "Sure, baby. Whatever you want." Her words should have pleased me, but for some reason, I just felt empty inside. I didn't really want to go anywhere, except back to the car, so I could go home, crawl into bed and forget this night ever happened. But I wasn't about to admit it. I needed them all to see that I was okay.

Except that I wasn't. And it only made me more angry and determined to show them otherwise.

"We'll all go," Jasper decided, giving Alice's hand a squeeze. She gave him a tearful look, then put on a strained smile and nodded.

And once again I felt like an ass. It was painfully obvious that they had only agreed to appease me, and I couldn't care less about the fucking ice-cream. Running my fingers through my hair in frustration, I then looked away with a sigh of defeat. "Never mind. Let's just get the fuck out of here."

"Edward..." Bella placed her hand softly on my arm, but I refused to look at her. She sighed. "Baby, if you really wanna go for ice-cream, we will."

"I don't." I shook my head stubbornly, knowing I acted like a petulant kid. Well, either that or a complete nutcase. It was probably leaning towards the latter. I swallowed. "I wanna go home."

This time, no one argued with me. I didn't speak again as we headed for my car, and I remained silent all the way home. That night, I opened the notebook Dr. Weber gave me on our first official session. After just staring at the blank page for nearly twenty minutes, I finally started writing.


	85. Chapter 85

**A/N****: Again, a huge thanks to all my reviewers, and an extra thanks to my lovely friends on Twitter for helping me out when I can't figure out the English grammar. :)**

**OoO**

**Bella**

The double date with Alice and Jasper had turned out to be a disaster, and things just seemed to go down-hill after that. I still spent a lot of time at the Cullen's, and it soon became very clear to me that the latest set-back was affecting all of them, one way or another.

Alice was beating herself up for what happened, feeling horrible for pushing Edward into something he was clearly not ready for. Emmett - having really jumped into the protective-big-brother role - openly blamed both me and Alice at first, insisting we should've known better than putting Edward in a position that would obviously be traumatic for him. I honestly couldn't blame him.

Carlisle and Esme were trying to stay in good spirits in front of the family, but even I could tell it was taking a toll on them as well. They both seemed really tired, and Alice admitted she had overheard them arguing more than once over the last couple of days. She never told me what they were fighting about, but I figured it was none of my business, anyway.

Edward started distancing himself from me again, and it broke my heart, because he didn't even seem aware of doing it, and I could tell it was hurting him in the process, making him both confused and conflicted. I knew he wasn't deliberately pushing me away, and physically, he was still there, hugging and kissing me any chance he got. But he wouldn't talk to me.

Or maybe that wasn't entirely true, because we did talk, just not about what happened. He would still claim to be perfectly fine should anyone ask, which started to become downright ridiculous, because we could all see right through the transparent facade he was trying so hard to keep up.

I did my best to show him my love and support, but I had stopped trying to force him to open up to me. It would only have the opposite effect - I had learned that the hard way.

But it was killing me inside, watching him behave more and more like a robot. Gone were the emotional outbursts I had gotten used to and learned to accept - on the rare occasions when someone dared to confront him, he would just nod and tell them what they wanted to hear, clearly just to get them off his back.

School started again, which was both a relief and torture for me. It felt good to get my mind off things for an hour or so, but at the same time, I just wanted to be with Edward. We went to the meadow a couple of times, just sitting in the grass, holding hands and talking about random, trivial stuff. Because that was all we talked about these days - things that weren't really important.

I just didn't know what to do.

The days dragged by, but finally, it was time for our next session with Dr. Weber. To tell the truth, I couldn't wait to pour my heart out to her, praying she would be able to help me. She had asked to see me first, and while I felt a bit bad for leaving Edward alone out in the waiting room, I was hopeful when I stepped into her office. No matter what happened now, things couldn't possibly get any worse.

Or so I hoped. Because I honestly didn't know how much more I could take.

"Hello, Bella." Dr. Weber smiled and gestured for me to sit down. I slumped down on the couch. "How are you?"

I shrugged. "I've been better, actually."

Her smile turned sympathetic. "Do you want to tell me about it?" Hesitating only for a moment, I then told her everything that had happened since last week. She just sat there listening to my story, not interrupting once. When I was done, tears were streaming down my face, and she offered me a Kleenex. "I'm sorry, Bella. I can tell you've had quite a rough week."

"I'll be okay." I tried to smile, but failed miserably. "It's Edward I'm worried about. I just don't know how to help him." I sniffled, and my bottom lip started quivering. "I suck as a girlfriend."

"Bella, I want you to think back to when you first met Edward." Dr. Weber paused, giving me a moment to do as she asked before she went on, "Now, do you see any difference at all in his behavior? Would you say he has changed since then?"

I let out a shuddering breath. "Yes."

"In what way?"

"Well..." I bit my lip. "He used to be angry all the time. He never really talked to his family, and he wouldn't let anyone touch him."

Dr. Weber leaned back in the chair. "And that's different now?" I nodded. "So what do you think brought it on? What caused him to change and start letting other people in?"

"Um..." I hesitated, blushing a little. "I'd like to think I had at least a little something to do with it."

"Just something?" She watched me thoughtfully. "Bella, frankly, I think you have everything to do with it. And do you know what else I think?" I shook my head. "That you don't give yourself enough credit. You say you want to help Edward. Did it ever occur to you that you already do?"

"Sure, I try." I lowered my eyes. "But it's not enough. He's hurting and I can't make it better, because he won't even admit that he's in pain. Instead he keeps lying to himself and everyone else, pretending to be okay when we all know he's not. Why does he have to be so stubborn?"

She was quiet for a moment. "It sounds to me like he's just afraid. It can be quite scary to reach out a hand and ask for help."

I shook my head in objection. "But he doesn't need to reach out, because I'm already there for him, and so is the rest of his family. He doesn't even have to ask."

"That may be true." She calmly met my eyes. "But he still has to accept it."

"I'm not sure I understand." I shrugged, helplessly. "Dr. Weber-"

"Please..." she cut me off. "Call me Angela."

"Angela," I corrected myself. "Edward was doing so much better. He was finally letting me in completely, and he seemed happier. He even started hanging out with Alice and Emmett more. I really didn't think I was pushing him or anything, at least not intentionally. You think it was just too much too soon? Could I have done something differently? Maybe if we hadn't gone to the movies-"

"Bella..." Angela interrupted, softly. "Do you want to hear what I think?" I nodded. "I think you're beating yourself up over something that's out of your control. The incident at the movies just sounds like the last straw in a chain of unfortunate events." She looked me in the eyes. "Edward is a survivor, but he doesn't necessarily see himself that way. At least he's not there yet."

I opened my mouth, but she wasn't finished, "He's gone through a horrible ordeal, and yet he's still here, still struggling. This may sound crude, but sadly, there's nothing unique about Edward's situation. What he has been through, these things happen to children all over the world, every day. And a lot of them don't have the strength to rise and take their life back. A lot of them just give up."

A tear trickled down my cheek, and I quickly brushed it away. Angela smiled sadly. "The main reason these children give up is because they are alone. They might not have a family - or someone like you."

"What are you saying?" I looked at her in confusion. "That Edward's lucky? That doesn't make any sense."

"I believe he's lucky to have you in his life, yes." Angela folded her hands in her lap, giving me a moment to let her words sink in. "You're obviously a sweet and caring person - which is exactly what Edward needs. But you need to be patient with him. Allow him to have his set-backs. Because it will happen again. I'm not saying this to scare you, but you need to be prepared."

I swallowed. "You make it sound like he'll never get over what happened to him."

Something in Angela's expression changed then, although I couldn't put my finger on what it was. She shook her head. "Bella, he won't."

"But..." I started, my heart dropping, but she held up a hand to stop me.

"With the right counseling, lots of therapy, and last but not least - enough love and support from the people closest to him, Edward will hopefully one day be able to make peace with his past and be content with his life." Angela's face was dead serious as she went on, "But he will never fully get over what happened, because his past will always be just that - his past. As in a part of him."

Technically, I already knew this. Still, getting it confirmed by a professional struck me hard. My eyes were stinging again and I took a deep breath, willing the tears to stay away. I was so tired of crying.

"Some days will be hard, and others will be better," Angela continued. She paused. "I've noticed you seem to be very focused on helping Edward, which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But I think it's also important that you don't lose yourself in the process. You have your own needs to tend to as well."

I frowned at her words, feeling slightly offended. "Edward's needs will come first. Mine aren't that important."

"Bella, your needs are every bit as important as Edward's." Seeing that I was about to protest, Angela hurried on explaining, "His needs may be different from yours, but that doesn't make yours insignificant in any way."

I stubbornly shook my head. "I disagree."

She nodded in acceptance. "I can see that. And that's something we're going to have to work on."

"What do you mean?" I looked at her in alarm. "I'm just here for Edward, because I want to understand him better."

"And I want to help you with that," Angela assured me, patiently. "But Bella, to understand someone else, you have to start with yourself. You need to acknowledge your own feelings and emotions." She was quiet for a moment. "On our first session, Edward asked me if I was going to fix him. But he's not a machine - he's a human being. Same goes for you, Bella. You think, and you hurt, and you feel."

I felt my cheeks turn hot. "I know that. Of course I do. I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "Tell me something, Bella. What do you like to do in your free time, when you're not at school?"

"Um..." I was a bit taken aback by her sudden change of subject. "I like to be with Edward."

She nodded in understanding. "Do you have any other friends?"

"Sure." I shifted my position a little on the couch. "I also hang out with Alice. That's Edward's sister."

"Oh, yeah, I remember him mentioning her." Angela smiled. "What about hobbies? Do you play any instrument? You like sports? Cheerleading?"

I snorted. "Hardly. I have two left feet and I trip on a flat surface."

She let out a soft laugh, but it wasn't mocking in any way. "Well, something else, then?"

I thought for a moment. "I like to read."

"That's great." Her smile turned into one of encouragement. "Tell me about the last book you read."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. "Actually, I don't remember. It's been a while."

"That's okay." Angela watched me in silence for a few seconds, and I found myself wondering what she was thinking. So far, this session hadn't turned out quite the way I had expected. In a way, I could see where Angela was going with this, and I could even appreciate her concern. I just didn't find it necessary.

So Edward was my first priority. I didn't see any problem with that, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He was my boyfriend. My love.

My everything.

"Do you want to tell me what you're thinking right now?" Angela's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I shrugged, awkwardly lowering my eyes. "I'm thinking about Edward."

"I see." She tucked her long, dark hair behind her ear. "Edward is just outside this room. Are you worried about him?"

"Yes. No. Maybe." I sighed. "I don't like it when he's not being honest with me. I mean, I know he's not okay. I don't understand why he can't just admit it."

Angela took a small sip from her glass of water. "Maybe you're right - he's not okay. Does that change the way you feel about him?"

"What?" I blinked at her in shock. "No, of course not! Why would you even ask me that?"

She looked at me, calmly. "It's obvious to you. But have you told Edward?"

"Yes, of course, I tell him all the time." I stopped, hesitating a little. "Well, at least I think so. I mean, he has to know. Right?" I gave her an uncertain look.

"You tell me." She put the glass down. "Maybe you just need to be a little more specific. Let him know it's okay for him not to be okay. That you accept him just the way he is."

"But he already knows that!" She just kept looking at me, and I felt a lump in my throat. "Doesn't he?"

Suddenly I didn't know what to think.

"You need to understand this." Angela ignored my question. "When you have gone through a trauma as severe as Edward's, there is never a straight road to recovery. It's just not possible. There will be bumps along the way, and sometimes you have to take two steps forward and then one step back. Other times, you'll take one step forward and two steps back. That's a simple fact."

I swallowed hard and nodded, indicating that I was listening. She continued, "Despite which direction, every step is progress, as long as you can accept it and learn something from it. Now here's the dilemma. When you have to struggle every day, just to keep your head above the water, you don't see things that way. When you're in that position, up is the only way that counts."

"Okay..." I figured she was speaking metaphorically. Still, I wasn't quite following.

"In other words, you see even the smallest set-back as a failure," Angela clarified. "But here is where you can help. You can remind him, as many times as it takes, that it's not true. That simply by fighting his demons, he's on the right path. And most importantly - that he is not alone. Only when he truly sees that will he be able to open up to you completely."

I watched her with large eyes as I took in her words. It all made perfect sense to me now, and I had to admit I had never thought of it that way before. I had been so focused on helping Edward with his struggling, making it easier for him, that I had never stopped and considered the fact that he might not need me to fight all his battles for him.

Maybe he just needed me to encourage him. To love him.

I could do that.

Before I knew it, my time alone with Angela was up. It had been interesting, but also painful, and I nearly burst into tears again when I left the office and stepped back out into the waiting room. Edward was anxiously pacing the room, clearly tired of sitting still and just waiting, but as soon as he spotted me, he stopped and hurried over to me.

"You all right, love?" He eyed me worriedly, running his knuckles gently down my cheek.

I nodded, trying to smile at him. "I've just gotten some things to think about. I'll tell you when we get home." His eyes narrowed and I could tell he wanted me to give him a little more information than that, but Angela chose that moment to poke her head out and ask him to step inside. For a moment, I thought he was going to object, but then he let out a defeated sigh and nodded in acceptance.

"I'll be right here, baby," I assured him, gesturing towards the line of empty chairs before leaning in to give him a peck on the lips. "I'll see you soon." He nodded again, took a deep breath, and gave me one last, almost pleading look. Then he was gone.

I dropped down in a chair, suddenly feeling very tired. And it wasn't over yet. I would have to go back in there in about thirty minutes and finish the session with Edward. The thought made my heart sink. I liked Angela, a lot more than I had expected, actually, but I was already mentally exhausted.

And I could only imagine how Edward felt. If this was hard for me, it had to be a million times worse for him.

There were a few different magazines and newspapers on a small table, and I just chose one randomly, because I honestly couldn't bring myself to care. I was just in a desperate need of some distraction. Absently turning page after page without really reading the articles, I willed the time to pass. I just wanted it to be over, so Edward and I could go home and talk.

I had been in the office with Angela for half an hour, and was expecting Edward to be in there just as long. So I was taken off guard when the door suddenly opened, less than twenty minutes later, and Angela was standing in the doorway. She wasn't smiling, and for the first time, there was a slight hint of distress on her face.

And her next words made my stomach drop even more. "Bella, would you please come back in here? We need you."


	86. Chapter 86

**A/N****: Thank you so much for all your reviews, I read and appreciate every single one, even though I sadly don't have enough time to respond to them all. That said, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year!**

**OoO**

**Edward**

"It's good to see you again, Edward," Dr. Weber greeted me as I closed the door behind me. I just nodded in acknowledgment and walked over to the couch, sitting down without a word. Having half expected her to ask me if I was okay, I had to admit it was a relief when she didn't.

I was so fucking sick of people asking me that.

"So how was your week?" she asked now, and I suppressed the urge to groan, because technically, she hadn't used the word 'okay'.

"Good." I shrugged. This was already getting old. Something occurred to me then, and I glanced at her. "Hey, Bella seemed upset when she left here. What happened?"

She calmly placed her hands in her lap. "I wouldn't necessarily say upset. More like emotional. Maybe a little overwhelmed. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing."

I wasn't convinced. "What happened?" I asked again, unable to keep the edge out of my voice.

"You're going to have to ask her that yourself." She looked me right in the eyes. "I'm sure you understand that I'm not going to sit here and tell you exactly what Bella and I talked about."

Of course I understood. It just made me really uncomfortable not knowing. "I don't mind if you tell Bella things that we talk about," I muttered. "I don't have anything to hide from her."

"Are you sure about that? Because she seems to think you do." My eyes widened in surprise and I opened my mouth, although I had no idea what to say. She held up a hand to indicate that I should wait for her to explain. "I can tell you this much, Edward. Bella is worried that you're not being completely honest about your feelings. What do you think?"

For a moment, I just stared at her, feeling like my head was spinning. I had been trying so fucking hard to convince Bella that she shouldn't worry about me, but apparently, I had been doing a piss-poor job. I just wanted her to be happy, but obviously I had failed. Again. I swallowed. "I never meant to hurt her."

"And she knows that." There was conviction in her voice. "Edward, I want you to put yourself in Bella's position. Let's say you found out that she's been upset about something for a long time, and kept it all from you. How would that make you feel?"

My throat suddenly felt very tight. "I wouldn't like it," I mumbled.

Dr. Weber nodded. "And why not? Would it make you angry at her? Would you feel betrayed?"

"No!" I shook my head, fiercely. "I just wouldn't want her to be in pain and not being able to help her." She just looked at me pointedly, and I realized where she was going with this. "Oh."

"Exactly." She looked very pleased. "I think you already know this, but sometimes it's easy to forget." A pause. "Edward, Bella knows you have a lot to deal with. She doesn't want you to pretend to be something you're not. She just wants you to be yourself. That's who she fell in love with."

I closed my eyes, shaking my head again. "That's not fucking good enough. _I'm_ not good enough."

"Now why would you say that?" I thought I could hear a slight hint of disapproval in her voice. "What makes you think you're not good enough for Bella?"

"Because..." I jumped up from the couch, suddenly too agitated to sit still. "It's true, isn't it? I _want_ to be good for her, but let's face it - I can't do any of the things a normal boyfriend would do. I can't even take her to the movies without freaking out and cause a scene, because I'm too screwed up!"

"Why do you think that is?" I just looked at her blankly, not understanding what she meant. She clarified, "Let me remind you, Edward, that those are your words, not mine. I'm not saying I agree with you. But you just said you're screwed up, and I'd like to understand how you're thinking, so please, just humor me. You've already established how - now I'm more interested in why."

I was still confused. "You're asking me why I'm screwed up? Why do you think?"

"I know what I think." She was facing my direction, but made no motion to get up. "If you want, I'll be happy to share my theories with you, but first, I want you to tell me what _you_ believe is the cause."

_Fuck this!_

I clenched my fists, angry at her for wanting me to say out loud what I could barely admit in my own head. But I somehow forced myself to keep my temper in check as I spoke. "I don't wanna do this. Can we talk about something else?"

"We can talk about whatever you want," Dr. Weber assured me, although I could sense the 'but' coming. She continued, "But Edward, the reason you're here is because you want to be able to put your past where it belongs - behind you. You've said so yourself. It's not healthy for you to keep it all locked up inside."

When I didn't respond, she went on, "I realize it's difficult for you to talk about what happened, what your stepfather did to you. It's perfectly understandable. But the fact remains - it did happen." I rolled my eyes - as if I didn't know that. "It will never be easy to talk about it. But in time, it will get easi_er_. Do you see the difference?"

"Sure." I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest. "So let's just wait, and I'll tell you why I'm so screwed up in a month or so. You know, when it's _easier_." I didn't even try to keep the sarcasm out of my voice this time.

"Sadly, it doesn't work that way, which I'm sure you already know." She sounded genuinely regretful. "Edward, I have a proposition for you. It's just an idea that I've been meaning to run by you - something I think might be helpful to you - and I will tell you about it in a minute. But first, let me ask you something. Have you started writing in your notebook?"

There it was - the million dollar question. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure my furious scribblings would even count as writing, but I _had_ started filling the pages with words. I was pretty convinced the good doc would find the contents disturbing, though. Hell, I knew I did. At least I was being honest in that fucking book.

"Not really, no," I lied. She wouldn't want to know, I tried telling myself. But the truth was, _I_ didn't want her to know. Somehow, Dr. Weber had become another person I was bound to disappoint.

She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke, I knew she had seen right through me. "It's your notebook, Edward. When I gave it to you, I told you I'll never have to read it. If you want to share your thoughts with me, I'll listen. If you don't, then that's okay too. The whole point of the book is for you to have an alternate way to express yourself when you have a hard time doing it verbally."

I looked away, although I could still feel her eyes on me.

"So, I'm going to ask you again. Have you started writing in your notebook?"

I made a face, still not looking at her. "Yes."

"I see. Well, I'm glad." And just like that, she let it go. "Now, here is what I wanted to discuss with you. Aside from private sessions, I'm also running group therapy sessions once a week. Do you know what that means?" I shook my head. "Well, basically, it gives you a chance to meet other people who have all been through what you have - one way or another."

My eyes widened at her words, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. I started to feel the familiar pressure over my chest, but tried to ignore it. That was when I realized she was still talking, and I shook my head in a weak attempt to clear it. "I'm sorry, what?"

Dr. Weber paused to take in my appearance, her expression turning into concern. "Did you hear a word of what I just said? You're awfully pale. Would you like some water? Are you-"

"I'm fine," I cut her off, then almost laughed out loud, because I was obviously nowhere near it, and I doubted I would ever be. It suddenly hit me that I was standing with my back against the wall, in the corner of the room, and I tried to take a step forward, only to find that my feet refused to move. I inhaled sharply, struggling to get some air into my lungs.

"Remember where you are, Edward. You're in my office. Look around you and tell me what you see."

Dr. Weber was speaking in a calm, soothing voice, but I ignored her instructions. "Group session?" I managed to get out. "How many people?"

She looked a little surprised, but quickly recovered. "Last time - which was two days ago - there were eight people, plus me. Both men and women, ages from thirteen to forty-two."

I swallowed a couple of times, but couldn't get rid of the lump in my throat. "And they all...?"

"Their situations may be different from yours in some ways," Dr. Weber quietly explained. "But you all have one thing in common. You have all been sexually assaulted at some point of your life. And you all need help to move on. I believe it would be of great benefit for you to attend one of these meetings. You wouldn't even have to speak if you don't want to. You can just listen."

"Uh-huh. Right." I was barely listening at this point, because it was just too much to process at once, and I felt like my brain was overflowing. Other people like me, with similar experiences? And the doc wanted me to hear their stories? Hell, I couldn't even deal with my own! I shook my head. "No, I can't. I-I don't want to."

"Just take some time to think about it." She didn't sound surprised, nor offended. "You don't have to decide anything right now."

"I said I don't fucking want to!" I yelled, my fingers itching for something to break, but there was nothing within reach.

"Okay, I hear you." She stood up, but didn't come any closer. "Edward, I won't force you. It was just an idea. You see, these type of sessions have proved to be very helpful, for a lot of people."

My fingernails were digging into my palms, but I didn't feel any pain. "Well, I'm not like them!" I growled.

"I understand." She held up her hands in a calming gesture. "I can see the subject is upsetting you. Can you tell me why?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I was shaking and breathing heavily, but I couldn't explain why, because I wasn't certain myself. "Get Bella in here," I croaked, angry at myself for not being able to keep my emotions under control. I was falling apart, and I hated myself for being so weak, so fucking unstable. When she didn't move, I failed to hold back a sob. "Please! I want Bella."

She was hesitating, I could tell as much, but then she nodded in acceptance. "All right. Sure. I'll be right back." As she turned and headed for the door, I slid down to the floor, wrapping my arms around my body, and buried my face in my knees.

_Fuck!_

I felt Bella's presence even before my mind had grasped the fact that she had entered the room, and my head shot up as I searched for her in desperation. When my eyes finally landed on her, she was already by my side, kneeling on the floor next to me with tears in her eyes. "Baby, what's wrong?" she whispered, running her fingers gently through my hair. "I'm right here, Edward. Are you okay?"

_Yes. Yes, I am! No, hell no! Fuck, just don't go!_

I shook my head and reached out for her blindly. "I'm sorry," I choked out, clinging to her almost desperately. "Bella, I can't do this."

"Do what?" She sounded alarmed, although she held on to me tightly. "Edward, what are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry," I repeated, hating the way my voice was trembling. "I hurt you again. I didn't mean to."

Bella pulled back a little so she could look at me. "I don't understand."

"I tried, Bella, I fucking did. I promise." I took a shaky breath. "I don't see how you put up with me. I'm too fucking damaged." Tears were burning in my eyes but I furiously blinked them away.

"Don't say that!" Bella sounded appalled. "It's not true."

I let go of her abruptly, clenching and unclenching my fists as my agitation grew by the second. "I know you want me to be okay, but I'm not. Not even close. I can't be a good boyfriend to you, because I'm a fucking mess!" My voice got louder and louder, but I didn't stop. "I can't even let my guard down and relax, because when I do, something always happens. Every fucking time, and it's not fucking fair!"

"You're right - it's not." Both Bella and I jumped slightly when Dr. Weber spoke up from across the room. To tell the truth, I had forgotten she was still there. I turned my eyes to her in bewilderment, and she went on explaining, "There is nothing fair about your situation, Edward. Nothing at all. Now the question is, are you willing to accept the injustice of it all for what it is? Only then will you be able to heal."

"I..." My voice cracked. "I don't wanna be broken." Bella squeezed my hand, and when I looked at her, I noticed she was sniffling quietly. "Don't cry, love," I pleaded, and it was only when she reached out a shaky hand and brushed her fingers down my cheek that I realized she wasn't the only one.

"Healing is a process," Dr. Weber continued softly. "And sadly, there are no shortcuts. You can't just will yourself to recover from a trauma when your mind isn't ready. These things take time, and you have to let them."

"How much time? It never fucking stops!" I was sobbing now, and hated myself for it - there just didn't seem to be an end to my humiliation. Bella wrapped her arms gently around me, clearly in an attempt to comfort me. It was all just too much.

"Edward, I love you," Bella murmured into my ear, her voice thick with emotion. "I've known all along that you're not okay - you don't have to be. We'll work it out together, you hear? I'm so proud of you for trying, but you need to stop pushing yourself so hard. That's not what I want. Just be you." I let out a bitter laugh.

"I don't like who I am," I admitted in a low voice.

"_I_ do," she whispered, rubbing her cheek softly against my hair. And just like that, I felt my body relax, if ever so slightly.

We just sat like that for a couple of minutes, until Dr. Weber once again reminded us of her presence by clearing her throat. "This is progress. You're both being honest with each other, which is a huge step in the right direction. Edward, I have to admit I was a bit hesitant to bring Bella in here at first, but I think it was important for you to clear the air. Don't you agree?"

I reluctantly pulled back a little from Bella, trying not to feel embarrassed by my breakdown, but it was hard. Quickly wiping my eyes, I then turned to Dr. Weber. "Yeah, I guess." I could breathe easier now, which was a huge relief. And my heart was back to beating like normal.

She nodded, then turned to Bella. "And what do you think, Bella? Edward just told you how he feels. Was it hard for you to hear?"

I glanced at Bella, and noticed she was still a little misty-eyed. She swallowed visibly. "Yes, it was very hard. But also good, I think." She looked at me. "I mean it, baby, I'm glad you told me. And please don't think you're not good enough for me, because I will never feel that way. I love you so much, just the way you are."

"I love you, too," I whispered, feeling my eyes sting again. That was when I realized we were still on the floor, and I scrambled to my feet, gently pulling Bella up with me. I threw a shameful look at Dr. Weber, suddenly feeling like I should apologize for my behavior. But I could see understanding in her eyes, and her expression told me no apologies were necessary. I relaxed again.

"We still have about twenty minutes to go," she informed us. "Why don't you sit down and make yourselves a bit more comfortable?" As Bella and I obeyed, making our way to the couch, Dr. Weber got up and headed for the large water-cooler across the room. She returned a moment later with two full glasses, putting them down on the table in front of me and Bella without a word. Then she sat down as well.

She looked at me. "Edward, I need you to understand something. Like I said before - this is going to be difficult. It will always be painful to talk about your past, but for you to be able to move on, talking is necessary. There is no getting around that. Are you with me?" I sighed, then reluctantly nodded. She looked pleased and continued, "Now, are you going to make an honest attempt of beating your demons?"

I closed my eyes, then opened them again as I felt Bella's hand cover mine. Our eyes met for a moment. Then I turned back to Dr. Weber with determination. "Yes, I am."


	87. Chapter 87

**Bella**

This time we went straight back to Forks after the session, and when Edward dropped me off at my house, I was actually relieved to be home. If it was up to me, I would gladly spend every moment of my time with him, but right now, I was completely and utterly exhausted and just longed for my own bed. I could feel the beginning of a headache, and figured the intensity of the session was catching up on me.

I wanted to cry, and at the same time, I felt more hopeful than I had in a long time. To say that Angela was a good therapist would be a huge understatement - the way she had handled Edward was amazing. Of course, I could tell he still didn't trust her completely, but who could blame him? For the first time, I got the feeling he genuinely _wanted_ to trust her, to believe she had the ability to help him.

And maybe with her help, he would finally be able to believe in himself. I wasn't naive enough to think it would happen today - or even next week - nor did I expect everything to go smoothly from now on, but like Angela had said - this was a start, a step in the right direction. It was good news, and that was something both Edward and I needed badly right now.

Charlie was waiting for me in the living room, only he tried to make it seem like he was just really into the reality show he pretended to be watching, but I wasn't fooled - I knew he hated those type of TV shows. He looked up when I entered the room. "Hey, Bells. How did it go today?"

Yes, I had finally come clean and told Charlie about my therapy sessions with Edward, a couple of days ago. And to my great relief, he had taken it really well. In fact, he had insisted on contacting Carlisle so the two of them could work out some sort of agreement regarding the costs. It was very nice of him, I supposed.

"It went okay, I guess." I shivered. "Is it cold in here?"

"Hm? Um, I don't think so." Charlie looked a little confused.

"Oh." I shrugged. "Guess it's just me, then."

He got a somewhat concerned look on his face. "You look a little flushed. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired." I forced a smile. "Long day and all."

"I can imagine." He was quiet for a moment, then an idea seemed to hit him. "Hey, are you hungry? Maybe you'll feel better once you've had something to eat."

I chuckled. "You mean there's actually food in the house?"

He looked a little sheepish. "Well, I could always fix you a grilled cheese or something. I'll do groceries tomorrow."

This time my smile was genuine. "That's okay, Dad, I'm not really hungry. But thanks." He merely grunted in response.

I hesitated a little. As much as I wanted to just go upstairs and crawl into bed, hoping to feel better in the morning, this seemed like a good opportunity to get some answers. After all, Charlie _had_ asked me about the therapy, which could only mean he wasn't totally opposed to discussing the subject a little further.

"Hey, Dad, can I ask you something?" I made my way over to the couch and sat down. He glanced at me, obviously waiting for me to go on. I took a deep breath. "Look, you've been really cool about this whole therapy thing." I paused. "In fact, almost too cool."

Charlie raised a brow. "Not that I don't appreciate it," I hurried to add. "I guess I'm just a little surprised. I mean, I told you Edward and I are seeing a therapist together, and you barely blinked. You didn't even ask why. Aren't you curious?"

"Well, I didn't want to overstep my bounds." He sighed. "Bella, the truth is, I'm happy you're seeing a therapist. I wish I had thought of suggesting it myself, after Renée..." his voice trailed off. I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could interrupt, "I know you're mainly doing it for the boy, but that doesn't mean it can't be good for you as well."

"Well, yeah." I didn't know what else to say.

"It's always good to have someone to talk to." He cleared his throat, suddenly looking a little embarrassed. "God knows I'm not the chattiest person in town." I blinked in surprise at my father's use of the word 'chattiest'. It just didn't sound like something from his usual vocabulary.

"You're doing just fine, Dad," I assured him. And I meant it. Sure, he usually didn't talk much, but I wouldn't want him any other way. I bit my lip. "Um, do you mind if I ask how much you really know... about Edward's... situation?" Charlie's eyes darkened, and I held my breath. This was it. I had finally asked, straight out.

Now the question was, would I get an answer?

He just looked at me for the longest time, and then he let out a sigh. "I know he's very lucky Carlisle happened to be transferred to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago about eight years ago. Because if it wasn't for him, I don't want to think about where that boy would be today."

I swallowed. "So you know why... Edward ended up there. At the hospital, I mean."

"Yes, Bella, I know." Charlie sighed again. "There are some really sick people out there, kiddo. As a former officer, and now the Chief of Police, I've seen a lot. But I'm telling you..." he shook his head, "...sometimes you just wonder where the world is headed."

I didn't respond, because there were just no words. He was right.

Charlie's face softened a little. "I also know Edward's lucky to have found _you_. This must be hard for you, too, Bells. How're you holding up?"

"_I'm_ the lucky one. And I'm hanging in there." I shrugged. Then I shivered again. "Seriously, Dad, are you sure the heating system's working? It's freezing in here."

"Bella, it's at least 70 degrees in the house." He frowned at me. "Maybe you're coming down with something. I've heard the flu's going around. You should get some rest."

I was about to object, but as I opened my mouth, I was unable to suppress a yawn. Suddenly I didn't see the point in arguing, so I nodded in agreement. "I think I will. And I'm sure it's nothing. I'll probably feel better tomorrow." I got up, ignoring the skeptical look on his face. "Night, Dad."

"Night, honey. Just yell if you need anything." He picked up the remote and turned his attention to the TV. And I headed for the stairs, intending to get a full night's sleep and hopefully feel like a new person in the morning. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out the way I had planned.

I woke up the next morning with a sore throat, a dripping nose, and a body that weighed 300 pounds, or at least that's how it felt, because I could barely move. For a moment I panicked, Charlie's words about the flu ringing in my head. I couldn't be sick today. For one thing, I _hated_ being sick. And more importantly, how would I be able to go to school and see Edward, feeling like this?

Literally struggling for almost a minute just to sit up, I then tried swinging my legs over the edge of my bed, only to fall back down again with a groan. Then I sneezed. Three times. Great! Not only was I weak as a kitten - I would also repel everyone I came across. Well, too bad, because I was going to school. I tried to sit up again, doing my best to ignore that my entire body was aching.

Somehow, I managed to get out of bed. I was even able to leave my room and head for the bathroom, stubbornly telling myself I would feel better after a hot shower. That was when I ran into Charlie in the hallway. He took one look at me, and sent me right back to bed. Of course, I protested.

"Dad, I have to go to school," I explained in a weak, nasal voice, not sounding like me at all. I cringed, but wasn't ready to back down.

"Sure you do, kid, but not today," was his response. I opened my mouth to object, only to have a coughing fit. When I could finally breathe again, I gave my dad a pleading look. He actually rolled his eyes at me. Then he pointed sternly towards my room. And I could only obey.

Of course, I wouldn't let on what a wonderful relief it was to crawl back into bed and not have to move again, because Charlie had followed me into my room, clearly not trusting me to do as he said. I pulled the thick duvet over my shivering body and did my best to appear displeased with him for making me stay home, when secretly, my body was thanking him.

Because, really, who was I kidding? I was sick. Then again, just because I could finally admit it to myself, didn't mean I had to like it. Ignoring my childish pout, Charlie promised me he would call the Cullens and let Edward know I wouldn't be at school today, and I found myself too tired to object anymore. So I just nodded and closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I was deep asleep.

****

**Edward**

"Hey, Edward, Charlie just called," Alice announced as she entered the kitchen and headed straight for the fridge. "Bella's not coming to school today - she's sick. Sorry." She pulled out a half-full pitcher of orange juice, grabbed a glass and walked over to the table.

"What?" My eyes shot to hers and I put my coffee down a little harder than I had intended. "What's wrong with her?" I was unable to keep the concern out of my voice. Bella was sick? She had been fine yesterday. Or hadn't she? Had I been too caught up with my own shit to notice? I suddenly didn't know what to think.

"He said it was probably just a cold, but it could be the flu." Alice shrugged and took a sip of her juice. "Either way, it's nothing serious. Charlie said to tell you that you won't have to pick her up today."

My eyes narrowed suspiciously. "If it's nothing serious, then why didn't Bella just call herself?"

She put the glass down with a sigh and gave me a patient look. "Because she was sleeping. She's sick, Edward - she obviously needs her rest. I'm sure she'll call you later, or you can call her after school. Really, it's okay. She'll be fine."

I knew she was probably right and that I was over-reacting, but I didn't like the idea of Bella being sick. However, there was nothing I could do about it now. Sighing, I picked up my cup again and gulped the rest of the contents down, trying to push my disappointment over not seeing Bella today to the back of my mind. I had no right to feel sorry for myself - Bella was the one who was sick, not me.

Bella and I only had Biology together, so it wasn't like I normally got to see her a lot before lunch. But that didn't mean I didn't miss her. The morning classes dragged by, the time seeming to pass even slower than usual, and when it was finally time for lunch, I was in a really bad mood. I threw my books into my locker and slammed the door shut, glaring daggers at those who dared looking in my direction.

"Wow, Alice wasn't kidding." I spun around at the sound of Emmett's voice, coming from behind me.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I all but growled. His eyes widened slightly and he quickly raised his hands in surrender. I instantly felt bad for snapping at him, but the guilt didn't completely make my irritation go away. Closing my eyes and silently counting to five, I then managed a halfhearted attempt of looking apologetic. "Sorry," I muttered. "What about Alice?"

He watched me somewhat warily. "Oh, she just said to give you some space today, with Bella being sick and all. She thought you might not be in the best of moods. Looks like she was right." He gave me a look I figured was meant to be sympathetic, but I was still too annoyed to care.

Then his words registered, and I frowned at him. "Wait, if Alice told you to give me space, then what the fuck are you doing here?"

A shrug, followed by a smirk. "Since when do I listen to Alice?"

I rolled my eyes, because he had a point. "What-the-fuck-ever. Did you want something?"

"Just thought you might want some company." I blinked in confusion, and he clarified, "It's lunchtime." I stared at him in disbelief, and just like that, the anger that had been building up inside me all morning disappeared. Suddenly I felt a huge lump in my throat. Was he fucking serious?

Seeing my stunned expression, Emmett let out a nervous chuckle. "Thought I could get us something from the cafeteria, and then we just go sit outside or something. I realize I'm a piss-poor substitute for Bella, but..." He shrugged, looking a bit uncomfortable.

Somehow, I managed to find my voice. "No, um... I mean, I'd like that. Thanks." I awkwardly lowered my eyes, but not fast enough to miss the look of relief on his face, and it became clear to me that he had expected me to turn him down. I swallowed hard. He really didn't have to do this. But I was surprised by how much I appreciated it.

"Let's go, then, shall we?" Emmett took a step back, only to accidentally bump into someone who was passing by. "Oh, sorry." He turned around to face the person behind him, and judging by the way his expression changed, I instinctively knew he wished he could take the apology back.

Mike fucking Newton. Who else?

"Hey, watch it!" Mike sounded annoyed. Then, obviously just realizing who was standing in front of him, the stupid fucker actually blanched a little.

Maybe I should've just let it go, but - like Emmett so tactfully had pointed out a moment ago - I wasn't in the best of moods. So I glared at Mike. "He said he was fucking sorry, asshole!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Mike held up his hands in defense, clearly deciding to drop it. At first, I honestly didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed, but then I figured it was just as well, seeing how it was probably not a good idea to get into another fight with the annoying douche bag. So I turned around and started to walk away, Emmett in tow, when I heard him mutter under his breath, "Freak."

However, I barely got the chance to react before Emmett stopped dead in his tracks, and had it been a fucking cartoon, you would've heard the sound of screeching tires as he came to a halt next to me. He spun around, glaring at Mike with fury in his eyes. "What the fuck did you just say?"

Mike's eyes widened in alarm, and he wisely took a step back. Then he actually gulped. "Um, nothing? Hey, I'll just-"

"Now, we both know that's a lie," Emmett cut him off, taking a threatening step towards Mike, who cast a nervous look around him, as if looking for someone to come save his sorry ass. People who were passing by threw curious looks in our direction, but no one seemed willing to interfere. I just stood back, awkwardly watching the scene playing out in front of me.

"Okay, here's what's gonna happen, Newton," Emmett continued, his voice cold as ice. "_You_ are going to apologize to my brother, and _I_ won't beat you to a bloody pulp." Mike looked ready to piss his pants, and that's when I reluctantly decided it was time to step in. Not because I gave a damn about Mike getting his ass kicked, but it wasn't right for Emmett to get in trouble because of me.

Hell, a part of me still couldn't believe he would actually stand up for me against Mike in the first place. But he had, and now I needed to stop him from doing something he would without doubt come to regret once the adrenaline rush had worn off. I had been there myself, way too many times. So I carefully grabbed Emmett by the arm to catch his attention. "Let's just get out of here. He's not fucking worth it."

Two sets of eyes turned to me at the same time. Mike had a sudden look of hope on his face, as if I had just become his fucking savior. And Emmett stared at me like I had just lost my mind. "Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? You heard what he said! You can't expect me to just let him get away with it."

Actually, I still had a hard time taking in the fact that he even cared. The kids at school had been throwing insults at me and whispered behind my back for as long as I could remember, and it had never seemed to bother him before. Then again, a lot of things had changed lately.

Now I watched him look between me and Mike, clearly torn, and I held back a sigh. "I mean it, Emmett. Just drop it. I don't care."

"Well, I do," he mumbled, suddenly reminding me of Bella yesterday at the session, when I had admitted that I didn't like myself. Those had been her exact words - 'I do.'

All of a sudden, I wanted to fucking cry. And it hit me that I had probably cried more the last couple of months than I had before in my entire life. Fucking pathetic. I took a deep breath. "Let's just go."

He just looked at me for a moment, obviously not knowing what to do, and then something in my eyes must have told him I was serious, because he let out a defeated sigh and nodded. "Fine." He turned back to Mike. "Guess it's your lucky day, Newton. You can thank Edward for not getting your ass kicked six ways to Sunday."

I rolled my eyes, giving Mike a warning look. "Don't even think about thanking me, ass-face. Just turn around and get the fuck out of my sight." I don't know what I had expected to happen, but it sure wasn't for Mike to instantly take the opportunity to obey, backing away so quickly that he actually tripped over his feet and landed on his ass, right there in the middle of the hallway.

That was all it took for Emmett to crack up. "Run, Mikey, run!" he yelled, letting out a booming laugh. People were staring at us, and someone in the crowd giggled. Mike scrambled to his feet and hurried away, his face red with embarrassment. Emmett turned to me, a wide grin on his face. "Man, that was even more fun than kicking his ass! Now let's go eat. I'm starving!"

I just shook my head in bewilderment, following him towards the cafeteria.


	88. Chapter 88

**A/N****: ****It looks like I've gotten some new readers again. Thanks for letting me know you enjoy my story, it means a lot to me. And thanks to everyone who keeps reading and reviewing, I love hearing from you all!**

**OoO**

**Edward**

"...pizza?"

I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed we had stopped outside the cafeteria, and I blinked in confusion. Emmett was looking at me expectantly, and I realized he had just asked me something and was obviously waiting for an answer. I shook my head to clear it. "What?"

He let out a patient sigh. "I said, do you want pizza? I'm going to get us some food, remember? You can just wait here, I'll be right back."

"Right. Yeah, sure, pizza's fine." I nodded absently, and he turned to leave. "No, wait!" Emmett stopped in his tracks, giving me a questioning look. I peeked into the cafeteria and took a deep breath. "You don't have to do that. We can just... go in there." He just looked at me blankly, and I clarified, "To eat, I mean."

His eyes widened and he stared at me in disbelief. "You want to go in there? To the cafeteria? To eat?"

I gulped. "Um, yeah?" I hadn't meant for it to come out as a question. But I knew I couldn't blame Emmett for being skeptical. Hell, I didn't know what had possessed me to suggest something like that, and I was just as surprised as he was, if not more.

Emmett watched me silently for a few seconds, and then he shook his head. "Edward, you never eat in the cafeteria. Ever. And that's fine - you don't have to." I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could object, "I'm serious, man. You don't have to prove anything to me."

"That's not..." I stopped myself as a thought had just occurred to me - maybe he didn't want people to see us eating together. And why should he? I was a fucking freak, right? Trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, I shrugged. "Never mind, I get it. If you don't wanna-"

He cut me off, not giving me a chance to finish the sentence, "This has nothing to do with me, all right? That's just ridiculous. Look, I just don't get it. But if you're sure that's what you want, then okay. I'm fine with going in there, as long as you are." He looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded.

Honestly, I wasn't sure why this suddenly seemed so important, but I didn't back down. In a way, Emmett was wrong, because I did have something to prove. Just not to him. I needed to prove to myself that I could do things like this. Eating in the school cafeteria was normal, and I fucking wanted normal.

I didn't want to be a freak.

"Coming then?" Emmett nodded towards the entrance, just as a bunch of students welled out, shouting and laughing. He glanced at me in alarm, but I was actually a bit relieved. Because the more people coming out of there, the less there would be inside. After all, Forks High wasn't that big of a school.

I followed Emmett into the cafeteria, trying not to get annoyed when I caught him throwing looks of concern in my direction, as if he was expecting me to have a break-down any moment. But I was doing okay so far. Of course, that was probably because most of the students had already left.

Today was one of the rare occasions when it didn't rain, which meant people would hurry to eat as fast as they could, and then spend the rest of the lunch break out in the sun. Actually, I was pretty sure it would be more crowded out at the picnic tables than in here by now. Well, that suited me perfectly.

However, the lack of people lining up for the food made it that much harder for me to disappear in the crowd, and I instantly felt out of place. "Where's Rosalie?" I asked quietly, just to break the awkward silence.

Emmett grabbed a tray and started loading his plate with food, and I just followed his lead. "She's with Alice," he explained, picking up a can of Coke before straightening up and looking around. "Actually, they might still be here. You okay with us sitting with them?"

"Sure, whatever." I looked down at my own tray, then to Emmett's, which seemed to be overflowing compared to mine. "You gonna eat all that? Seriously?" He just grinned proudly in response, and I shook my head. That was when I felt a presence behind me, and tensed up in alarm. I looked over my shoulder, and relaxed a little when I saw who it was.

"Hey, Em. Edward." Jasper was suddenly standing next to us, speaking quietly, "The girls and I are sitting over there in the corner if you guys want to join us." I looked to where he was pointing, and immediately spotted Alice. She was looking straight at me with a huge smile on her face, practically bouncing up and down with excitement, and I suddenly realized why Jasper had approached us.

I wouldn't put it past Alice to stand up and yell across the room to catch our attention. Then everybody's eyes would without doubt be on me. The thought made me shudder. Luckily for me, Jasper knew his girlfriend, and - judging by the look of things - had decided to step in. A wave of gratitude welled up inside me.

"Cool," was Emmett's response as he greeted Jasper with a fist bump. Then he looked at me, gesturing to my tray. "You done?" I nodded. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure I'd actually be eating much, anyway. For a brief moment, I wondered what the fuck I had gotten myself into. But then I pushed the thought away. I could do this. It was just lunch.

In the fucking cafeteria, that I had been avoiding like the plague up until now. Taking a deep breath, I followed Emmett and Jasper as they headed for the table in the corner, where Alice and Rosalie were already waiting, and wished - not for the first time that day - that Bella was here.

"Hey, guys!" Alice looked at me, eagerly patting the empty seat next to her, and I could tell she was struggling to control her excitement over seeing me. I didn't know whether to be embarrassed or touched, so I quickly sat down, awkwardly ducking my head and tried telling myself this was no different than having dinner with everyone at home.

Except the cafeteria was so fucking big. At least there wasn't too much noise, seeing how there were only a handful of students left. Still, I wasn't able to fully relax, which I'm pretty sure everybody noticed. I reached for my can of Coke and opened it, just to keep my hands busy.

On my other side, Emmett was shoving food into his mouth with an incredible speed, like he hadn't eaten in a week, and I watched with a mix of fascination and disgust. If I'd had any appetite in the first place, it was definitely gone now. Across the table, Rosalie seemed to have similar thoughts, because she mumbled something unintelligible and put her sandwich down with a grimace.

It took a while, but finally Emmett seemed to realize all eyes were on him, and he looked around the table with a frown. "What?"

Alice looked slightly annoyed, and yet somewhat amused. "Seriously, Emmett, were you raised in a barn?"

"Yeah. Right next to you and the other cows." Emmett picked up a pizza crust from his plate and threw it at her with a smirk, causing Alice to shriek and hide behind Jasper. I just shook my head at them, silently wondering if this would turn into a food fight. It wouldn't be the first time. Once, Alice had dumped an entire bowl of chicken salad over Emmett's head. It hadn't been pretty.

Kinda funny, though. Especially when they had to explain themselves to Esme.

"So, Edward, I heard you and Emmett had a little run-in with Mike Newton." Jasper ignored Alice and Emmett's antics and turned to me. "Rumors are you were holding him down while Em broke both his legs. Apparently, blood was splashing all over the lockers, and at least three people swore they witnessed Newton being scooped off the floor and carried into an ambulance on a stretcher." He snickered.

"Wow! Word sure travels fast at Forks High." Emmett turned his attention away from Alice with a chuckle. "No, the fucker was walking away. Trust me, I wouldn't break his legs in front of all those witnesses." He winked and continued, "I'd wait until we were alone." Somehow, I got the feeling he was only half joking.

"So what really happened then?" Alice's eyes darted between me and Emmett, her expression a mixture of concern and curiosity.

"Newton was just being an ass." I shrugged. "But there was no bloodshed."

"Sadly," Emmett agreed, a disappointed note in his voice. "I think I like the rumor better."

"Uh huh." Alice rolled her eyes. Then she changed the subject and turned to me. "Too bad Bella's not here today. Are you going to see her after school?" I opened my mouth, but she went on before I could respond, "You know what you should do? You should make her soup! Soup always makes me feel better when I'm sick." I half expected her to start jumping up and down and clap her hands.

"You're kidding, right?" I gave her a look of disbelief.

Alice shook her head. "Believe me - she'd love it." She looked at Jasper, batting her lashes at him. "You'd bring me soup if I was sick, wouldn't you, Jazzy?"

He smiled at her. "Sure I would, darling."

"Dude, you're so whipped, it's pathetic." Emmett shook his head in disapproval. "I don't know, Alice, making soup? Sounds kinda messy. And a lot of work. What if Bella already ate? Or what if she's just not hungry? It would all go to waste." I saw a twinkle in his eye, and he looked at me. "Hey, you should just make her cookies instead. I saw some sprinkles in the cupboard this morning."

"Oh, cookies!" Alice was beaming. "That's a great idea! I don't know about the sprinkles, but..." her voice trailed off as she saw Emmett struggling to hold back laughter. "Did I miss something?"

He snorted, as if to say 'hell, yeah!' but then waved his hand in dismissal. "Just an inside joke, Alice. You wouldn't get it."

I rolled my eyes, deciding it was time to cut in. "Thanks for the suggestion, Alice, but I don't know how to make soup. And Emmett..." I gave him a warning look, "I don't fucking bake." He raised a brow at me, but to his credit - and my relief - he didn't push the matter any further. The last thing I wanted was for anyone else to find out about the humiliating cookie fiasco all those weeks ago.

Still, I had a feeling Emmett would never let me live that one down.

Sighing, I turned back to Alice with a hopeful look. "Why do I always have to make shit? Can't I just bring Bella ice-cream or something?"

Rosalie spoke up before Alice could say anything, "Make it chocolate, and she'll be your slave for life."

Alice looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that would probably work. Hey, I think there's at least half a pint of Rocky Road left in the freezer at home." Emmett gasped loudly, staring at her with a look of absolute betrayal on his face. She gave him an incredulous look. "Really, Emmett, just because you opened it doesn't mean it automatically belongs to you."

"Says who?" he muttered, stabbing the remains of his pizza with his fork. She just shook her head at him.

I couldn't help but chuckle, because he looked so utterly horrified at the thought of me taking his beloved ice-cream and give it to Bella. "Don't worry - I'll just get some at the store." His face was a mixture of relief and gratitude. I patted him on the shoulder and added, "As if I would ever give Bella something you had already slobbered all over, anyway."

Alice and Rosalie started giggling and making 'ew' faces. Even Jasper looked amused, or maybe he was just happy the attention was no longer on him and whether he was being whipped by Alice. Emmett looked mildly offended for a moment, but he quickly recovered. "Well, if you're all done making fun of me and laughing at my expense - I think lunch break's about over. Time to head to class."

I frowned and looked at my watch, realizing he was right. How about that? It looked like I had just survived my first visit at the school cafeteria. And it hadn't even been that bad. I glanced around the table. Maybe I could even do it again some time. Hopefully with Bella at my side.

On my way to the next class, I sent Bella a text message, saying I hoped she was feeling better and that I'd call her later. As much as I wanted to hear her voice, I didn't want to disturb her in case she was sleeping. Of course, I had every intention on going to her house after school. I hadn't talked to her since yesterday, and I missed her like crazy.

My mood had improved slightly after lunch, but my Biology class seemed to go on for hours, and I was painfully reminded of Bella's absence, her empty chair mocking me relentlessly. After what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rang, and I all but ran out of the classroom, practically shoving people out of my way.

When my final class of the day was over, I was beyond relieved. Finally I could go see Bella. I was a bit disappointed when I checked my phone and didn't have any missed calls or messages from her, but told myself not to dwell on it. Making a quick stop at the grocery store, I then drove straight to the Swan residence.

Charlie opened the door, and he didn't seem too surprised to see me. "Hello, Edward. I figured you might stop by."

"How's Bella?" I asked carefully, suddenly worried he would tell me I couldn't see her.

Much to my relief, he took a step back and gestured for me to enter. "She doesn't seem to be running a fever, but she's really tired. Actually, she's been out for most of the day, but I heard her leave the room and go to the bathroom a while ago. I was just going to check on her again." He cleared his throat, nodding towards the kitchen. "I made her some tea, thought it might make her feel better."

"I can give it to her," I offered, and when he looked somewhat hesitant, I hurried to add, "If you don't mind."

"Oh, I'm sure she'd rather have you bring it to her than me." He chuckled a little. "I just don't want you to catch what she's having. But then again, you spent all day with her yesterday, so it's probably too late for precautions."

I gave him a hopeful look. "So I can go see her?"

"Sure." He nodded, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

A couple of minutes later, I knocked softly on Bella's door, hoping she wouldn't be asleep. I smiled to myself when I heard a grunt of acknowledgment from the other side. Carefully pushing the door open, I peeked inside. "Bella? You awake?"

"Edward!" A weak smile lit up her face. "You're here. I missed you." Her voice was thick and raspy, and she cringed. "Ugh! I sound like a frog."

I tried not to laugh at her statement, but it was hard. Sick or not, she was still fucking adorable. "I'm so sorry you're sick, love. How are you feeling?"

"Irritated." She grimaced. "I hate being sick." Her eyes fell on the steaming cup in my hand. "Is that for me?"

"What? Oh. Yeah." I quickly walked up to her and handed her the hot beverage, and took the opportunity to sit down on the bed next to her.

She immediately took a small sip, making a humming sound of approval, and greedily gulped half of the contents down at once. "My throat's really sore. This feels so good. Thank you."

"Don't thank me, your dad's the one who made it for you." I glanced down at the small paper bag I was still holding. "I brought you this, though. But if you don't want it right now, that's okay. I'll just-"

"What is it?" she cut me off, sounding curious. I showed her, and she let out a squeal. "Ice-cream!" Then she started coughing.

I quickly jumped up, looking around the room. "Want me to get you some water?" She immediately shook her head and waved her hand in the negative, and I sat back down after a moment's hesitation, waiting for her coughing fit to pass.

When she could finally breathe normally again, her face was red, and she gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry about that." I opened my mouth, but she went on expectantly, "Can I have my ice-cream now?"

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help but smile. "Sure, love. Whatever you want." I handed it to her, along with a spoon I had gotten from the kitchen. Then I just sat there and watched her eat, a look of pure bliss on her face as she let the cold ice-cream melt in her mouth. She closed her eyes and let out a soft moan, and for some reason, I felt a strange, almost tingling - but not unpleasant - sensation.

And I suddenly couldn't wait to hear that particular sound from Bella again. I didn't understand why, but I was almost disappointed when she suddenly opened her eyes again and looked at me. "You only brought one spoon? Don't you want a taste?"

I really, really did. And I wasn't sure why that thought made me feel guilty. I cleared my throat. "I, um..."

"Here." She smiled at me and offered me a spoonful of ice-cream. Then she hesitated. "Unless you're afraid of catching my germs."

"No, I like your germs." My eyes widened in disbelief. Did I just say I liked her fucking germs? "Wait, that didn't come out right." I suddenly felt like an idiot. What the hell was wrong with me?

She just giggled, holding out the spoon to me in a silent offer. Never taking my eyes off her, I swallowed the gooey, melting ice-cream. It had suddenly become very hot in the room. Maybe I had been catching Bella's germs after all, and was coming down with a fever.

Only I didn't feel sick. In fact, I felt very good. Bella was beautiful. And I wanted to kiss her. That was when I noticed how she was struggling to keep her eyes open, and I instantly snapped out of it, silently scolding myself for even thinking about kissing her when she was obviously not feeling well.

"You're tired. You should get some more sleep." Suddenly I couldn't bring myself to meet Bella's eyes. I gently took the spoon from her and put the half-eaten bucket of ice-cream down on the nightstand. "I should probably go."

"Please, stay," she whispered, softly placing her hand on my arm, as if to prevent me from running away. I dared a glance at her. She was looking at me through heavy eyelids, and her bottom lip was jutting out in a small pout. "I just need to rest for a while. Will you just hold me?"

As if I could ever deny her anything.

As if I even wanted to.

I lay down next to her, carefully slipping my arms around her. Bella snuggled closer to me, let out a content sigh, and was asleep within a moment. I remained awake, though. For the next hour or so, I just lay there, watching Bella sleep peacefully in my arms.

And I couldn't remember ever feeling more complete.


	89. Chapter 89

**A/N****: I just found out I've been nominated at The Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards for Most Reliable Author. I don't know who nominated me, but to whoever did - thank you so much! **

**I would also like to inform new readers that there is a thread for this story at the forum over at Twilighted. Feel free to stop by and join the interesting (and often amusing) discussions. I also post teasers. You'll find the link on my profile.**

**OoO**

**Bella**

The first thought that popped up in my head was that I was no longer cold. If anything, I felt warm and toasty, and, seeing how I was still a bit groggy from sleep, it took me a few seconds to realize why. Then I slowly rolled my head to the side, and smiled. Edward was lying in bed next to me, his head resting on my pillow as he appeared to be sleeping, with his arms wrapped tightly around me.

I shifted my position as carefully as I could, not wanting to disturb him, but I just had to get a better look at him. As I watched him in silence, I started to feel all warm and mushy inside. He was so beautiful, and he was all mine. I just couldn't keep the silly grin from spreading on my face.

This morning, I had been absolutely miserable. Of course, I still wasn't happy about being sick, but my day had suddenly become so much brighter.

I reached out my hand without thinking, struck by an almost desperate urge to touch him, but pulled back at the last second, afraid of waking him. He just looked so peaceful, his face completely relaxed. That was when he spoke, his eyes still closed, and I nearly jumped through the roof. "Enjoyed your nap?"

"Holy crow!" I gasped, and his eyes instantly snapped open. It took a moment for my heart to slow down and start beating like normal again, and I glared at him with my palm pressed against my chest. "My God, Edward, you scared the crap out of me! I thought you were sleeping."

"Sorry, love, didn't mean to scare you." He chuckled a little and placed a soft kiss on my forehead, and I immediately forgave him. "Are you feeling any better?" I nodded.

The truth was, my throat was still sore and I felt a dull ache in my muscles whenever I made even the slightest movement, but as long as Edward was here and holding me in his arms, I wasn't going to complain. I was just too comfortable in that moment to be bothered by something as insignificant as a stupid cold.

"I feel rested," I told him in response to his question. "Have you been awake the whole time?" It was his turn to nod. I instantly felt bad, and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. You must've been bored to tears."

"Not at all." He shook his head. "I kinda liked watching you sleep." Seeing my skeptical expression, he added, "It was actually quite interesting."

"Interesting? What do you mean...?" I stopped myself as realization hit me, and I felt my cheeks turn crimson. "Please, tell me I didn't talk in my sleep?" He just shrugged, looking somewhat amused by my obvious mortification, and I let out a groan. "God, this is so embarrassing! What did I say?"

A part of me didn't want to hear the answer. Apparently, I used to talk in my sleep all the time when I was younger. I remembered my mom teasing me about it in the morning, joking about how I kept her awake all night with my loud incoherent ramblings. Her room was across the hall from mine. I knew she was exaggerating, but still.

"Nothing bad," Edward hurried to assure me. "You just said my name. And..." he glanced at me almost shyly, "...that you loved me."

_Oh._

Well, that wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I relaxed, giving him a soft smile. "I do. You know that."

"Well, yeah. But it was nice to hear, all the same." He smiled as well.

For a minute or so, we just looked at each other. And then I had to ruin the moment, by sneezing. I just barely managed to pull out of Edward's embrace and turn away from him. Sure, he had told me he liked my germs, but I had a feeling it was figuratively speaking and that he didn't really want them sprayed all over his face. I grimaced at the thought.

"You done?" he asked when my sneezing attack seemed to have passed, and I didn't miss the amused note in his voice. I mock glared at him, but he just pulled me back into his arms, and I happily snuggled up against him. It was obvious that he enjoyed cuddling as much as I did, and I would never miss an opportunity to be close to him.

It made me so sad to think about how long it had taken for him to get this comfortable with physical contact. All these years, he had isolated himself in fear of... well, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't even sure what. I could only guess that somewhere along the way, he had just started associating even the lightest, most innocent touch with pain. The thought was absolutely heartbreaking.

In a way, I really wanted to ask Edward about it, because I wanted to learn more about who he had been before we met. Of course, I realized that wouldn't be easy for either of us. The horrifying fragments of his past that he had - most reluctantly - shared with me so far made me feel sick to my stomach, but I wanted him to understand that I loved every part of him, and not just the person he was today.

And at the same time, I didn't have the heart to bring it up when he seemed this happy and content. He deserved a break from the painful memories of his past.

But there was still something that had been eating at me for a while, something that didn't have anything to do with Edward's inner demons. No, this demon was all mine. And maybe it was time to stop beating around the bush. The longer I waited, the more awkward it would be. Especially since I had always stressed the importance of us being honest with each other.

So I took a deep breath, and spoke before I would lose my courage. "Edward? There's something I need to talk to you about."

He tensed up for a moment. Then he pulled back a little, just so he could look at me, and I noticed how his expression had immediately turned alarmed. "What's wrong?"

I instantly felt a pang in my chest. Naturally he would automatically assume that something was wrong. I really needed to learn to choose my words more carefully. I quickly reached for his hand, giving it an assuring squeeze. "Nothing's wrong, baby. I promise. I just want to explain a few things to you. It involves my trip to Phoenix, and..." I swallowed. "...and my life before I moved here."

He just nodded in understanding, waiting for me to go on. I bit my lip. This was it.

It was time to tell Edward about Jacob.

"Okay..." I hesitated, trying to decide how to begin. "Remember when we spoke on the phone, and I told you I ran into... a so called friend? Jacob?" His eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything. Instead he just nodded again. I went on, hoping I wasn't about to make a huge mistake, "Well, for a little while, Jacob was my... boyfriend."

Edward's eyes widened slightly, but he remained silent. For some reason, it felt inappropriate to have this discussion while lying in bed, so I reluctantly sat up, leaning back against the headboard. He did the same, mirroring my position, and I nearly cried when his hand slipped out of mine.

I was afraid my voice wouldn't hold, but I forced myself to continue, "We had a few classes together, and one day we got paired up for a history project. I thought he was nice, and easy to talk to. A couple of days later, he asked me out. On our first date, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend." I rolled my eyes. "Thinking back now, our relationship just seems like a big joke."

"How come?" Edward's voice was flat, spiritless, and I wished I had a way of knowing what he was thinking.

"Because my heart was never really in it," I told him sincerely, looking him right in the eyes. To my relief, he held my gaze. "Back then, I didn't know what it was like to be in love. I thought my feelings for Jake was love, but I realize now it wasn't even close. I mean, they way I feel about you... Edward, this is real. What Jake and I had was just... an illusion. Luckily, it didn't last very long."

"So you didn't really love him?" His eyes were practically begging me for confirmation. I shook my head. His face softened, and I noticed how his entire body seemed to relax. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

I didn't like the way he had dropped my hand. He was still sitting next to me on the bed, but he wasn't touching me, and that was unacceptable. To my horror, my voice cracked when I spoke. "Don't you wanna hold me anymore? Are you mad at me?"

He blinked at me, and his expression turned into disbelief. Then, without a word, he pulled me into his arms, burying his face in my hair. And just like that, my fear and confusion melted away.

**OoO******

**Edward**

I don't know why Bella's revelation came as such a surprise to me. Not only was she absolutely beautiful, but she was also the most amazing person, and I knew at least three guys at school who had tried to ask her out since she first moved to Forks. Granted, they were all a bunch of fucking morons, but still.

It wasn't like I was being foolish and conceited enough to believe I was all that special, but it had just never occurred to me that she might have dated someone else before me. I should've figured, but I guess I just didn't want to think about it. Bella was mine, and the thought of some other fucker touching her...

Wait - some other fucker had been touching her! I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick, but somehow I managed to hold myself together. Bella obviously wanted me to know about this, and I owed it to her to hear her out. Even though the mere idea of her being with someone else filled me with fury and jealousy.

I wanted to punch something. Preferably that asshole - Jacob - for daring to even exist in the first place. Too bad he was more than a thousand miles away. Too bad for me, that was. Lucky for him. Because in that moment, I would've killed him without hesitation. And I realized I hadn't even heard the whole story yet. I forced myself to take a deep breath.

Bella hurried to assure me she had never been in love with him, though. And I found myself believing her. She didn't lie to me. It wasn't lost on me how she would sometimes avoid bringing up sensitive matters just to spare me pain and anguish, but she wouldn't lie. I managed to relax a little.

That was when she tearfully asked if I was mad at her, and the guilt welled over me like a fucking tidal wave. I all but crushed her to me in my desperation to show her that while I was still more than a little upset by the whole thing, my frustration was in no way directed at her.

"I'm sorry, love," I mumbled into her ear when I finally managed to find my voice. "Of course I'm not mad." I felt her entire body relax against mine as she melted into my embrace, and I silently cursed myself for making her doubt my feelings for her, even for a second.

She pulled back a little. "Look, Edward, I'm not stupid. I know this is an awkward conversation for us to be having, which is why I haven't brought it up sooner. But I feel like we _should_ be able to talk about it. I mean, I want you to know everything about me, and my past. Because I do have one, even though it's pretty insignificant... compared to yours." She lowered her eyes as she said the last part.

And once again I felt bad. She shouldn't have to feel that way. "Bella, nothing about you could ever be insignificant. I hate when you say things like that, because it's just not true." She didn't look convinced, but at least she didn't object. I sighed. "Just tell me, please. I can handle it."

I could only hope I was right.

"Okay. Um..." She hesitated. "I guess you could say I've never really been like most girls. I was never into typical girl stuff, like make-up, sleep-overs, or talking about boys." She blushed. "Anyway, that's probably why I never had any real friends back in Phoenix. I mean, sure, there were people I would talk to, and I even hung out with some of them after school, but I always felt like something was missing."

I just nodded in understanding. She let out a low chuckle and shook her head. "I used to think there was something wrong with me. Sometimes, I just wanted people to like me, and then there were times when I couldn't care less. I met Jacob at a time when I just really wanted to be like everyone else. That's why I was thrilled when he wanted to date me."

"Go on." I clenched my fists, but forced myself to remain calm. She needed to get this off her chest, and I was not going to act like a jealous prick and freak out on her, just because she had a life before me.

Bella looked down at her hands. "On some level, I knew all along that Jake and I weren't meant to be. I mean, he was nice and funny, and I liked him, but thinking back now, I realize I just wanted someone to love me. I liked the idea of having a boyfriend." I opened my mouth, but she must have misread my expression because she hurried on, "Not like I was leading him on or anything. It wasn't like that."

"I believe you," I assured her. I knew she would never do something like that.

She gave me a small smile and continued, "Well, I tried to convince myself I was happy with Jake. But the more I got to know him, the more I realized he..." she stopped, awkwardly wringing her hands.

"What?" I tried to sound encouraging, because I wanted her to feel like she could tell me anything. Bella was always so patient and understanding with me, much more so than I deserved. She was my rock, my shoulder to lean on, and I wanted to be the same for her. I just didn't know how.

"He was selfish. It was always about him and his so called needs." She made a face. "We never really talked, or to be more accurate - he never really bothered to listen to me. He acted like he cared about me and wanted me to be happy, but all he really cared about was what I was willing to do for him." Her cheeks flushed and she looked away, clearly uncomfortable.

"What do you mean, 'do for him'?" I had to ask, although I was pretty sure I wasn't going to like where this was heading.

She swallowed visibly. "He wanted to... take our relationship to a level I wasn't sure I was ready for."

For a moment, I just looked at her blankly. Then realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "He wanted you to... sleep with him." My voice shook as the words left my mouth, and I felt bile rise in my throat.

_Oh fuck! No, no, no, please, not this. I can't fucking deal with this shit!_

"Edward?" Bella sounded close to panic as she gently cupped my cheek, her eyes desperately searching mine, and I knew I couldn't blame her for getting nervous. I could feel all color literally leave my face, and I was grateful I was sitting down.

But somehow, I was able to pull myself together, at least enough to meet Bella's eyes and show her I wasn't going to shut down on her. She needed me right now, and I'd be damned if I was going to screw things up by having a fucking panic attack, just because she had mentioned...

_Fuck!_

If I ever wanted to have an even somewhat normal relationship with Bella, I had to be able to talk about these things without freaking out. I took a couple of deep breaths while silently cursing myself, my fucked up life, and James. He was the reason I was this way, and wherever he was right now, I hoped to God he was suffering.

"What are you thinking?" Bella asked softly, obviously realizing I was still with her mentally as well as physically. I carefully placed my hand on top of hers, still on my cheek, and felt it trembling beneath mine. To be honest, I wasn't sure whether it was me or her. Maybe both.

I just shook my head and remained silent. Because there was no way she would really like to know what I was thinking in that moment. All I could think of was how I fucking hated him. And I was deeply ashamed of the fact that my blind hatred for James was the only thing I could focus on, when it was so obvious that Bella needed my full support and attention.

When I didn't respond, she watched me quietly for a moment. Then she sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry."

"No, Bella." The dejected note in her voice was what finally snapped me out of my dark thoughts, and I told myself to get a fucking grip. "You've got nothing to be sorry for. I'm listening, just go on." I could see the conflict in her eyes - she clearly wanted us to finish this conversation. "Please," I added, raking my fingers through my hair in frustration.

"All right." I could tell she was still hesitant to go on, but she did anyway. "Yes, he wanted... that. And I..." She briefly closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I had just lost my mom. I was sad, and lost, and I just wanted to feel something other than pain." She swallowed hard. "And Jake promised me he would make me forget. So... I said yes."

I just stared at her, trying to process what she had just told me.

And then I exploded.


	90. Chapter 90

**Bella**

"So… I said yes," I finished, forcing the words out even though my mind was screaming in protest. For some reason, it felt like everything had been leading up to this very moment - there was just no getting around it, no way to avoid the subject. And at the same time, I felt like I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

In a way, I knew it was careless of me - maybe even stupid - to fill Edward in on my relationship with Jacob. But then again, I had practically forced him to open up to me and share the horrors of his past, because it was the only way things would truly work out between us - I needed to know where he was coming from, I needed to understand him. And he needed to understand me.

Simple as that.

Except there was nothing simple about this. I didn't even want to think about me and Jake as a former couple, and I certainly didn't want Edward to get such disturbing images in his head. But if I wanted him to know the real me, what other choice did I have? So I had decided to just be honest and get this over with, once and for all.

I knew Edward wouldn't like what I was about to tell him. Hell, I couldn't imagine _any_ guy would be comfortable hearing that his girlfriend had been involved with someone else before him, and in our case, things were even more complicated.

But somehow, I had been naive enough to think Edward would at least hear me out, allow me to explain the situation before jumping to conclusions.

I was an idiot. I should have known better. And I definitely should have expressed myself more clearly. Unfortunately, I didn't realize - until the words were already out of my mouth and impossible to take back - that I had just made it sound like Jake and I had gone all the way.

It happened so fast, I barely got the chance to react. One moment, Edward was sitting next to me on the bed, and in the next, he was already across the room. I watched in horror as his eyes seemed to glaze over, just like they always did when he was shutting down on me, and I automatically jumped up as well, bracing myself for what was coming.

I had learned the pattern by now. Whenever Edward was faced with something he just couldn't deal with, he would withdraw into himself. He would instinctively pull away from me - or whoever happened to be close by - back away until he reached the nearest wall, where he would curl up and cower, efficiently blocking out whatever threat his muddled mind had conjured up.

Although I had gotten used to the way he was acting when he ended up in a situation too stressful for him to handle, I still found his behavior a bit confusing. It just didn't seem to add up, because I knew how much he hated feeling trapped. And yet he would always, as if in a reflex manner, seek refuge at the one place - often in a corner - that would offer no escape route.

I didn't have time to ponder, though, because Edward chose that moment to slam his fist into my bookcase, then forcefully sweeping his hand over the top shelf, causing books and CD:s to scatter over the room with a crash. Jumping at the noise, I stared at him in shock. "Edward...!" I cried out, only to gasp and take a step back when his eyes shot to mine, because the fury I could see there stunned me.

"I'll fucking kill that son of a bitch!" he yelled then, knocking over a nearby chair, and I failed to hold back a startled yelp. However, I quickly recovered.

"Stop it!" I hissed, putting as much demand in my voice as I could possibly muster without shouting myself. Normally I would take a fit of rage over a panic attack any day, but since we were at my house now and my dad was home, I was unable to find comfort in the fact that I wouldn't have to coax him back to reality this time. "You need to be quiet and listen to me, right now. Because if Charlie-"

I didn't even get to finish the sentence before there was a frantic knock on the door, and in the next moment, it swung open. My father was standing in the doorway, looking more worried than I had seen him in a long time as he took in the mess on the floor. "What in the world is going on here?" he wanted to know, his eyes darting suspiciously between me and Edward.

_Shit!_

Edward just looked at him blankly, in no state to come up with a proper explanation. I could see his Adam's apple bob slightly as he muttered something I figured was meant as an apology, before he inhaled sharply and walked over to the window. Even with his back turned against me, I could practically feel the tension and discomfort, rolling off him in waves.

"Everything's fine, Dad," I lied, knowing the strained note in my voice would betray me. I took a deep breath. "We were just-"

"Bella," he cut me off, never taking his eyes off Edward, who still wouldn't face him. "I think it's time for Edward to go home now. You should be in bed, not..." his voice trailed off, and I had a feeling I wouldn't like what he had been about to say. He could obviously see I was upset, and it didn't take a genius to figure out he would blame Edward.

"We were in the middle of something," I told him, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "Please, Dad, can we just...?" I stopped myself as Edward finally turned around with a sigh.

"I'll leave," he mumbled, his eyes on the floor. It was like all aggression had just left his body, and all there was left was dejection.

"No!" I gave him a warning look, suddenly furious that he wouldn't even give me a chance to explain myself. I was angry at Charlie for interrupting. And most of all, I was mad at myself for handling things so badly. I blamed the stupid cold. "We're not finished," I added, looking at my dad again and daring him to object.

I knew Charlie was about to protest, but somehow he decided against it, and nodded. "Fine. Ten minutes." He turned to Edward. "Look, I don't know what's going on, but Bella's not well, and she needs her rest. If she's not better by tomorrow, you're welcome to come back and see her after school. But I must ask you to keep your... conversations, on a more civilized level. Are we clear?"

Glancing at the chair on the floor, he shook his head in disapproval. Edward closed his eyes for a moment, then nodded. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not looking at me as he bent down and started to pick up the scattered CD cases. Charlie looked as if he was about to say something more, but then just mumbled something in acknowledgment and walked out of the room.

It wasn't lost on me how he left the door open.

I watched Edward in silence for a moment, his head downcast as he hurried to clean up the mess he had made without saying a word. When I slowly made my way over to help him, he finally raised his head, giving me a sharp look. "Don't. I've got it." He let out a gust of air. "If something's broken, I'll replace it."

"It's okay." I swallowed hard. "Edward, stop. Just leave it. Look at me." It took almost a minute before he reluctantly obeyed, and I dropped to my knees next to him. "I need you to hear what I have to say. Nothing happened."

His eyes narrowed, and I saw how his fist clenched. "But you just said... Fuck, I can't listen to this, Bella. I'm so fucking sorry, but I can't deal with this shit. The bastard hurt you, and right now, it's taking just about every ounce of self control I possess not to hunt him down and rip his fucking head off."

I wanted to take his hand, but for some reason, I found myself unable to move. "You don't fly," I reminded him weakly. He just huffed, shaking his head in frustration. I sighed. "I'm sorry, Edward, but you're just going to have to deal with this. I can't change my past any more than you can. It happened, but not the way you think. Jacob never hurt me."

His hand dropped at his side, and he inhaled shakily. "But you said you weren't ready," he whispered, his face ashen. "Are you saying you..." he swallowed, "...you liked it?"

I wanted to cry, because I didn't know how to get through to him. Thankfully, he had been lucid enough to calm down and listen, but I just wasn't sure how much he was actually hearing. "Edward, I never slept with Jacob. He tried to talk me into it, and I agreed at first, but then I changed my mind at the last second. Literally. I told him to stop, and he did."

He stared at me, his face a mixture of doubt and... something else. It took a moment before I realized it was revulsion. But for some reason, I just knew it wasn't directed at me. And then it hit me.

I had managed to stand up for myself and say no. Edward hadn't. Our situations were nowhere near similar in any way, but I knew then that in his mind, I had succeeded where he had failed.

"It wasn't like that," I told him sincerely, my voice thick with emotion. "I was just lucky, Edward. Jake's a self-centered jerk, but he's not violent. He didn't want to hurt me. If he had, I wouldn't have been able to stop him. He's too strong - I could never fight him off. But he stopped when I told him to. That's what makes him different from..." I couldn't bring myself to say the name.

"James." Edward finished in a low voice, suddenly looking nauseous, and his eyes were glistening. "But he did hurt you, love. He tried to make you... do something you... something..." he was unable to finish.

This time, I did take his hand. "I know how you feel, baby, but I don't believe sex is a bad thing. Not with the right person. I think it can be..." I blushed. "...really good. But that's the thing. That's why I couldn't go through with it. Because Jake was never that person."

"Bella..." There was a pleading note in his voice. "What if _I_ can never be that person? I see your point, I really do. But I just..." He looked away. "Hell, I can barely _talk_ about it, let alone..." He shook his head. "I'm afraid I'll never be able to give you what you want, and eventually you'll get tired of waiting. And then you'll-"

"Okay, stop it right there!" I gave him a warning look. "Don't even think about finishing that sentence. I'm not going anywhere. You already give me what I want - you. Everything else is just... I mean..." I rolled my eyes, annoyed for not being able to find the right words. "We'll take one day at a time, just like we've always done. As long as we're together, then nothing else matters."

It hit me that we were actually having a conversation about sex, with neither of us freaking out. Maybe something good would come out of this after all. I just needed to be really careful. I couldn't risk saying the wrong thing again.

In that moment, I decided I would not be doing Edward any favor by telling him about Jake trying to kiss me when I saw him in Phoenix. For one thing, it meant absolutely nothing to me. I had been taken off guard, but once I had snapped out of the initial shock, I had taken control of the situation - it wasn't like I had let Jake get away with it.

Should Edward ever ask, though, then I supposed I would have to be honest with him, but I would cross that bridge when - or if - I got there. Because I truly believed that in this case, the truth would simply do more harm than good.

It would only hurt him, make him feel even worse about himself for not being there for me. Protecting someone from the truth was not the same as lying. I would probably never see Jacob again. So what good would it do for Edward to know about that little detail? I waited for my conscience to protest, telling me it would be wrong to keep it from him, but it never came.

Maybe because I felt in my gut that it was the right decision. I would just put the whole thing behind me, and focus on what was important.

Me and Edward.

I snapped out of my thoughts when he let out a frustrated sigh. "Your dad probably hates me now. I didn't mean to..." he made a face as he looked around the room, then lowered his head in shame. "I know I need to work on my temper. I'm sorry."

"My dad doesn't hate you." I knew it was the truth. If he had, he never would've allowed Edward to stay after what happened. Although I was certain Charlie would want to have a serious talk with me as soon as he left. I could live with that, as long as Edward could come back. I hesitated a little. "But I think you're right. You can't keep doing this. I'll help you, though. Whatever you need." I meant it.

It took a moment before he responded. "Thanks, but I'm not sure you can. This is my problem and I need to figure out how to deal with it." A pause. "I just don't know how."

My heart ached for him. I just couldn't imagine what it was like, living that way. It was like he had never really learned to control his feelings and emotions, and it didn't take much for him to simply snap. I was used to it by now - it was just the way Edward worked - but I also realized it made it so much harder for him to function in society.

As if things weren't hard enough for him already.

I bit my lip, thoughtfully. "Maybe you could talk to Angela about it?" He shrugged, and I realized we never really talked about our therapy sessions. It was like an unspoken rule - once we had left the office, what happened in there was over, at least until the next time. But this seemed like an opportunity to bring it up.

"Maybe," he finally agreed. He went over to the bookcase and started putting my CD:s back on the shelf. I watched him quietly, thinking that this still had to be considered progress. After all, Edward and I were talking. He was aware of the fact that his behavior wasn't healthy, that it was a problem. And he wanted to work on getting better. At this point, I really couldn't ask for more.

Edward knew about Jacob. And as far as the whole sex thing went, I felt for the first time that once he had actually gotten used to the idea, we might even be able to pick up that conversation again. Not that I was stupid enough to believe he would be ready to take our relationship to the next level any time soon, but hopefully he would at least be able to talk about it without having a panic attack.

After Edward had left, I went to talk to Charlie, deciding I might as well get it over with. I found him in the kitchen, stirring something in a large pot on the stove. He looked up when I entered the room, and I offered him a somewhat nervous smile. "Want me to take over?"

Charlie shook his head. "Bella, you're sick. Besides, I'm perfectly capable of making dinner." He paused. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better." The truth was, my mind had been so occupied, I had almost blocked out the fact that I was sick. But now when I thought about it, I didn't feel nearly as bad as I had this morning.

"Good." He removed the pot from the stove and put it down on the sink. Then he turned back to me, his face suddenly very serious. "Bella, I think we should talk. About Edward." I opened my mouth, but he raised a hand to stop me. "I know you care about the boy, but as your father, I need to make sure you're safe. So I have to ask. Has he ever hurt you?"

"No!" I yelled, horrified he would even think that. "Of course not! Edward would never hurt me. Ever!" He looked at me closely, as if trying to read my mind and see if I was being honest. I stubbornly met his eyes, willing him to see the truth. His face softened a little, and I realized - to my utter relief - that he believed me.

"Thank God!" He sounded just as relieved as I felt. "But I'm still concerned. I don't know what happened up in your room, but I could hear him all the way down here. Now, I know he's been through a lot, but if he's really unstable-"

"Dad, please!" I interrupted him, because I couldn't just stand here and listen to this. "I know Edward's got... some issues, and believe me, he knows as well. That's why he's in therapy. Yes, he may have a problem with his temper, but I promise you, it's not as bad as you think. Really, I'm perfectly safe with him. I can handle it. And he's getting better."

He didn't look totally convinced, but finally sighed and nodded in acceptance. "I hope you're right, kiddo. Believe me, the last thing I want is to forbid you to see him. But your safety will always be my first priority. And if he gives me any reason to doubt his ability to treat you properly, I will put my foot down. I hope you understand."

I nodded, although I knew he would never be able to keep me from being with Edward.

That night, I kept tossing and turning in bed, and sleep just wouldn't come. It could have something to do with the fact that I had already spent most part of the day in bed, but I knew the real reason was that my mind kept wandering, making it impossible for me to settle down and allow sleep to claim me. There was just too much going on in my head.

I was feeling more positive about the progress of my relationship with Edward, but at the same time, I couldn't help but worry. We seemed to be taking baby steps forward, slowly moving in the right direction, but I knew we still had a lot of work ahead of us. Without a doubt, there would be a lot of pain in our future.

And I was pretty sure the next couple of weeks would be intense, to say the very least. The question was, just how much more could we take?

Would Edward and I ever get a break?


	91. Chapter 91

**A/N****: ****Thank you, every single one of you who have taken time to leave me a review for the last chapter. *****hugs***

**OoO**

**Edward**

By the time I got home from Bella's, I'd had plenty of time to calm down, but also - unfortunately - time to think. I tried telling myself that the only thing that really mattered was that Bella was okay - that fucker hadn't forced himself on her after all, nor had he gone physical on her. She was safe, unharmed.

It was also a huge relief to hear that she hadn't really slept with him. She had made it clear to me that she never loved him, and I believed her. I knew I couldn't blame Bella for having dated other guys before me. But still, I couldn't completely let it go. Every time I tried, I was reminded of the fact that he - that son of a bitch - had been able to touch her in ways that I couldn't.

Or... could I?

To tell the truth, I didn't know what to think. I loved being with Bella. Holding her, kissing her - it was all still kind of new to me, and at the same time, I couldn't even imagine not having her that way anymore. Because the way I felt when we were together - the feeling of her full lips against mine, my fingers tracing her soft skin - it was like she was a part of me that I hadn't even known I was missing.

And somehow, by some miracle, I had found that missing part and gotten it back. That's how it felt. Bella made me feel complete, in a way I never would have dared to hope for.

The idea of someday being intimate with someone had never even crossed my mind. Because to me, sex wasn't a way of showing love and affection, not something to enjoy. To me, it was just a punishment, something forced upon me whenever I did something bad - not that I even knew what I had done most of the time. It was something James did to me when he wanted me to know who was in charge.

But Bella's words had somehow gotten stuck in my head. _I don't believe sex is a bad thing. Not with the right person. I think it can be... really good._

It wasn't like I had never heard those words before. My therapists had all been trying to tell me the same thing over the years, as had Carlisle and Esme, but I had never believed them. To be honest, I didn't even care. It seemed completely irrelevant, because I knew I would never willingly put myself in a situation where sexual relations might become an issue.

And yet...

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I wondered if it was possible that Bella - hell, all of them - could be right after all. Could sex ever be a good thing? With Bella, I just couldn't imagine anything to be rough, frightening and painful. The more I thought about it, the more I started to wonder if - by holding out forever out of fear - I might actually be missing something.

Of course, at the same time, the mere thought scared me shitless and nearly threw me in a panic mood. Nearly, but not completely. And I realized I needed to talk to someone.

However, the thought of asking Carlisle or Esme about this made me cringe. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. For a moment, I considered bringing it up at my next session with Angela, but that wouldn't be for another couple of days, and I was starting to feel slightly desperate.

Desperate and frustrated. And really fucking annoyed.

I slammed the door shut behind me as I entered the house, heading straight for the stairs as I just wanted to lock myself up in my room and sulk. I realized I was being childish and immature, but that was just the way I worked. Esme looked up and smiled at me, although her smile faded a little when she noticed I was clearly not in the mood for exchanging pleasantries.

"Hi, sweetie." She hesitated a little. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's just fucking peachy," I grumbled sarcastically, then instantly felt bad and sighed. "Sorry."

"It's okay." She gave me a soft smile of acceptance, although the concerned look didn't really leave her eyes. "Bad day?"

"Not really sure," I admitted, rolling my eyes. "Never mind. I'll just..." I gestured for the stairs.

Alice and Emmett - who were also in the room - had both been quiet until now, although I could feel their curious eyes on me. Alice spoke up softly when I passed her. "Hey, did you see Bella?" I just grunted in response without stopping, not feeling like getting into a conversation with her at the moment. She didn't deserve my irritation, and right now, I just wanted to be left alone.

A couple of minutes later, I closed the door to my room, dropped my school bag on the floor and threw myself down on the bed with a groan. To my frustration, it only took a moment for me to realize that the silence I had longed for didn't have the desired effect on me - instead of calming me, it only made me more agitated.

As I closed my eyes, I kept seeing images of Bella, telling me sex didn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. And I found that I wanted to believe her. I liked it when she touched me. I liked touching her. And - as strange and foreign as the idea seemed to me - I kind of wanted more.

And I couldn't deny that I wanted to _see_ more as well. More of Bella. The thought of Bella just taking her shirt off made me gulp, but it also made me feel strangely excited. In that moment, I longed to see more of her perfect, flawless body. Of course, that thought immediately reminded me of how marred and damaged my own skin was underneath my clothes, and I felt a lump in my throat.

A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts, and I couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or relieved by the distraction. I didn't feel like getting up, so I remained where I was, staring up at the ceiling. Another knock. I held back a sigh, and called out a "What?"

The door swung open, revealing Emmett standing in the doorway with a somewhat uncertain look on his face. I raised a brow in a silent question, and he cleared his throat, appearing to be a little nervous. "Hey, um, I was just... Are you busy?"

I just rolled my eyes and turned my face back to the ceiling. He hesitated for a moment, but then seemed to take my silence as an invitation and stepped inside. I could feel his eyes on me as he slowly walked into the room, and I knew he was half expecting me to start yelling at him to get the fuck out. But for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to care.

Or maybe I wasn't really bothered by his presence anymore. Who would have thought we would ever come to that?

I kept ignoring him, though. While a part of me was a bit curious, I wasn't going to take the bait and ask him why he was here. So I stayed silent and didn't even bother to look in his direction as he crossed the room and finally slumped down on the floor next to the bed, casually leaning back and resting his head against the thick mattress down by my feet. Then he just sat there, quietly.

The minutes passed, neither of us speaking. I didn't plan to be the one to break the silence, so I stubbornly kept my mouth closed and decided to make myself busy counting the cracks in the ceiling. Unfortunately, there weren't any. I let out a sigh. Fucking typical.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and reluctantly threw a look at Emmett. "Did you want something, or are you just bored?"

For a second, I thought I saw the hint of a smirk on his face, but I couldn't be certain since he was facing forward and not looking directly at me. "Just wanted some company," he stated calmly. I gave him a skeptical look, waiting for him to admit what he really wanted, but seeing how he fell silent again, I figured that either he wouldn't tell me, or he was actually being sincere.

I honestly didn't know what to think. And it made me feel uncomfortable, which in turn made me defensive. "What, so you got lost on the way and accidentally ended up in here?" He just chuckled and shook his head, not appearing to be offended by my sarcasm. In all honesty, I wasn't trying to offend him. I just wasn't sure how to act around him.

We were actually getting along these days, at least most of the time. And I still wasn't used to it.

It was slowly starting to hit me that I no longer felt like a complete stranger, an intruder, in this family. In fact, I even felt like maybe, just maybe, I belonged here after all. And it was a strange - but not unpleasant - feeling. Suddenly - to my utter disbelief - I actually found myself playing with the thought of asking Emmett for some advice on how to handle the situation with Bella.

_I really must be losing my fucking mind._

But still, he _had_ helped me out before, and that was when I hadn't even asked for it. I glanced at him again, trying to picture his reaction if I managed to gather enough courage to bring up the subject. He would probably laugh his ass off. Hell, if he didn't consider me pathetic before...

Then again, I figured there was about one in a million chance he would actually take me seriously. The question was, though, was I really willing to jump at that chance? If I opened up to Emmett and he would just laugh at me, I didn't think I could handle the humiliation. The mere thought of him making fun of me about this made me feel nauseous.

And then there was that little voice in my head, telling me to give Emmett some credit. After all, he had been pretty cool lately. I took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and then closed it again.

Fuck! I couldn't do this. What the hell was I thinking?

Somehow, Emmett seemed to sense my inner battle, because he turned towards me. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Are you going to let me know what's bugging you, or do I have to guess? Because I'm warning you - the things my mind could come up with... It could be pretty freaky. Might as well do us both a favor and just tell me."

I frowned at him, wondering how he could possibly have come to know me so well. Then I shook my head in a weak attempt to clear my thoughts. Closing my eyes for a moment, I then spoke up quietly, "If I ask you something, could you just..." I hesitated, "I mean, I know this is gonna sound fucked up, and you'll probably think-"

"Hey," he cut me off, all traces of humor gone from his voice. "Just shoot." I opened my mouth again, but the words just wouldn't come. He cocked his head to the side, suddenly looking curious. "Is it about Bella?"

My eyes widened in surprise, as I had not expected him to be so fucking observant. In that moment, I felt like he could read me like an open book. Trying to push my uneasiness to the side, I nodded and looked away in embarrassment. God, this was awkward.

When I failed to go on, Emmett cleared his throat and let out an almost nervous chuckle. "Really, man, you need to give me a little more to go on. I'm at a complete loss here."

I let out a sigh of defeat, desperately searching for the right words. That was when it hit me that Emmett had in fact expressed his curiosity regarding my relationship with Bella before. Stubbornly refusing to meet his eyes, I sucked in another deep breath. "Remember when you asked if Bella and I had... if we..." My fists clenched in frustration when I just couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.

It took a moment, but his expression slowly changed from confusion to understanding. And then it turned into pure shock. But to his credit, he seemed to recover pretty quickly, at least on the outside. "This is about... about... _sex_?" he managed to get out, almost whispering the last word, and if I hadn't been so freaked out by the whole thing, I might have found his reaction comical.

As it was, I couldn't see anything even close to amusing about the situation. I swallowed hard. More than anything, I wished I hadn't brought it up. Suddenly I realized I was shaking.

Emmett must have seen my rising distress, because he instantly straightened up, nervously raising his hands in front of him. "Hey, it's cool, we can talk about this. Just don't..." He hesitated, clearly unsure of how to go on, and all of a sudden, I felt bad for him.

Somehow, I managed to regain control and push the panic away, at least for the moment. "I'm fine," I mumbled, ducking my head in shame. "Just forget I said anything."

"Hold on just a sec..." I could hear the conflict in his voice - obviously he was relieved I wasn't about to freak out on him, but at the same time, I got the feeling he didn't really want to let it go. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. He finally continued, tentatively, "You just took me by surprise, that's all. There's nothing wrong with... I mean, whatever you want to know, I'll do my best to answer."

At least he sounded sincere. I watched him warily for a few seconds, trying to decide what to do. This was so fucking humiliating. I really should have thought this through before I opened my mouth. So maybe Emmett was willing to answer my questions, but a fat lot of good that would do when I didn't even know what to ask him in the first place.

"So, you and Bella haven't...?" he hesitated a little, clearly taking pity on me and trying to give me an opening. "But you have at least thought about it? Or did she say anything?"

"No!" I quickly shook my head, feeling more embarrassed by the second. How could I ever think, even for a moment, that this would be a good idea? "The subject may have come up," I finally admitted, feeling my cheeks heating.

"Right." He nodded in understanding. "And how did that conversation play out?" Seeing my alarmed expression, he hurried to explain, "You don't have to give me details or anything, I was just wondering if the two of you are on the same page, so to speak."

My eyes widened as I thought I knew where he was going with this. "Bella's a... I mean, she hasn't..." I stopped when he quickly held up both hands, as if to prevent me from finishing.

"Okay, good, but that's really none of my business." He ran his fingers awkwardly through his hair. "How do I put this? Um... Do you know where Bella stands? Does she seem ready to... start exploring?"

I blinked at his choice of words. "I-I don't know. She..." I swallowed. "She said she thinks... _that_... can be a good thing. With the right person. And she sort of hinted..." I looked away, "...that I was that person. Right, I mean. For her."

Emmett nodded slowly. "And how do you feel about that?" I didn't respond. He sighed. "Look, Edward, Bella's right. Sex can be good. Amazing, even. But only if you're ready. Because if you're not, I don't think it really matters if you're with the right person or not." He was quiet for a moment. "Listen, I've been thinking about what you said that day. You know, when...?"

I tensed up, because I realized what day he was referring to. Squeezing my eyes shut, I then nodded.

He went on in a low voice, "You said there's nothing good about sex. That you would never hurt Bella." He paused. "But you do realize... I mean, you must know... What happened to you..." I glanced at him, noting that he looked just as uncomfortable as I felt. Then he gulped and inhaled shakily. "That's not sex."

_Huh?_

I just looked at him blankly. Somewhere at the back of my mind, a voice screamed at me to put an end to this conversation right now, because we were getting way too close to dangerous territory. But I couldn't help myself - I needed to understand what he meant by that. Because it made absolutely no sense to me. All of a sudden, I was intrigued. "What do you mean?" I finally whispered.

For a moment, Emmett looked almost panicked. But somehow he seemed to pull himself together. When he spoke up, I didn't miss the pained look on his face. "Sex is supposed to be about pleasure, all right? And respect. You do it because you want to, because it feels right for both of you. It's not supposed to hurt. But when someone..." Now it was his turn to avert his eyes.

Fucking ironic, because in that moment, I was unable to look away from him. I kept staring at him with wide eyes, feeling like I was close to a revelation of some kind. "When someone... what?"

He blinked rapidly, still not looking at me, and when he finally responded, his voice was thick, unsteady. "When someone... forces himself on another person... That's fucking wrong. It's not sex. It's..." He stopped, unable to finish. But I knew what he was going to say.

So I finished for him.

"It's rape."


	92. Chapter 92

A/N: I'm repeating myself again, but I just can't say it enough. Thank you so, so much, every one of you who keep leaving me reviews and kind words of encouragement. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. *hugs you all*

OoO

**Edward**

For as long as I could remember, I had done my best to avoid thinking of unpleasant things, even though I knew deep down that it was pointless, because sooner or later, it would all just come crashing down on me. The scary thing was, once I had allowed my mind to start wandering, it was just impossible to stop thinking.

I felt like I had just woken up from a dream - or a nightmare - only the disturbing images wouldn't go away, because it wasn't really a dream at all. It was all very confusing, not to mention frustrating, and I honestly didn't know how to handle it.

After my talk with Emmett, I was torn, conflicted. I felt like I'd just had an epiphany of some kind - I just wasn't sure what to make of it. To his credit, Emmett had been really cool about the whole thing, and I had been waiting for the familiar signs of awkwardness and panic to set in, but it didn't happen.

For some reason, I was able to open up to him without freaking out, and I couldn't tell which one was more surprised - me or him.

The next morning, I offered to give Alice a ride to school. I missed Bella and couldn't wait for my classes to be over so I could go see her, but with yesterday's humiliating events fresh in my mind, I felt really awkward about facing her father again, even though he'd told me I was welcome to come back today.

I wasn't stupid - I realized my past wasn't the only thing I needed to learn how to deal with. My temper had always been getting the best of me, and I meant it when I told Bella I would work on it. Truth be told, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to control myself completely, but I had to at least try. I owed it to her, and everyone else - myself included.

As I was driving, I kept throwing glances at Alice, trying to decide whether or not it would be a good idea to ask her for advice on how to do some damage control. I had screwed up yesterday, and now I desperately needed to fix it. The question was how, and that was where Alice came in. Unlike me, she was always good at dealing with other people.

I thought I was being discreet, but it didn't take more than a few minutes before Alice turned to me, an expectant look on her face. "So?"

"So?" I repeated, perplexed.

She let out a patient sigh, but her voice was slightly amused. "Are you gonna tell me why I'm here?" Seeing my confusion, she clarified, "You offered to take me to school. You never do that. Normally, I have to practically beg you to let me into your car."

I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. Sure, I may have been a fucking ass to her before, but I really thought we were getting past all that. I was obviously wrong, seeing how she seemed to expect me to have some hidden motive to be nice to her. Okay, so I did sort of want to talk to her, but I could just as easily have done that at home.

"I just..." I shook my head, dejectedly. "Never mind."

"Edward..." She rolled her eyes. "I was joking, all right? But I can see something's bothering you, and I was just wondering if I'd have to goad it out of you."

I relaxed a little, happy to be wrong with my assumption. Then I sighed in defeat. "I made an ass out of myself at Bella's yesterday. And her dad was around."

"Oh." There was a sudden hint of concern in her voice. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"She told me something. I didn't like it." I grimaced, waving my hand in dismissal. "Doesn't really matter. The point is, I have to go back there today, and if Charlie's home, things are gonna be fucking awkward."

"Yeah, I can see that." Alice got a thoughtful look on her face. Then she smiled. "Hey, why don't I come with you? I haven't seen Bella in a couple of days, and Charlie loves me. I'll have him warmed up in no time, and then you can make your move."

She winked at me, but I was lost. "And what move would that be?"

Her smile widened. "To show him you're not really an ass, of course."

****

**Bella**

I felt much better the next morning, but my dad still insisted that I should take an extra day off from school, just to be on the safe side. Most reluctantly, I finally agreed. Normally I wouldn't mind, but now it also meant another day without Edward. Needless to say, I didn't like it.

Of course, Charlie tried to placate me by reminding me that Edward was welcome to visit me once school was out for the day, but I honestly feared - after what happened yesterday - that he would be too embarrassed to show up. I could only hope I was wrong.

So I was beyond relieved when I got a text message from him by lunch time, promising he would stop by later. In fact, I was so happy, I instantly forgave my father for making me stay home one more day.

I kept throwing impatient looks at my alarm clock, willing the time to pass. Charlie made me ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch, bringing them up to my room on a tray, along with a large glass of milk and a cup of herbal tea. It was nice of him, and I didn't have the heart to tell him I would have preferred to just go downstairs and eat at the kitchen table.

A couple of hours later, I was jolted awake by a knock on the door, and I sat up with a start, desperately trying to work the tangles out of my hair with my fingers. I had showered and washed my hair this morning, but I didn't bother to use the blow dryer, and now it was a complete mess. The last thing I wanted was for Edward to see me like this.

Then again, I supposed he would love me either way, with or without a rat's nest on my head.

"Hi, Bella! Are you feeling better today?" The door swung open, and my smile of excitement faded a little when, instead of Edward, Alice was the one standing in the doorway, grinning widely.

I quickly covered up, though, smiling as I gestured for her to come in. "Hey, Alice. Yeah, I feel a lot better, actually." I paused. "I didn't know you were coming. I'm glad you did, though. It's getting really boring, being cooped up in my room for this long. Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go back to school."

Alice let out a soft, musical laugh. "Yeah, I can imagine. Are you coming back tomorrow?" I nodded. "That's great. I've missed you." She winked at me. "And I know I'm not the only one." I blushed a little.

"So..." I hesitated for a second. "Alice, don't take this the wrong way, because I'm really happy to see you. But where's Edward? He said he'd be here. Is he okay? Did something happen?" I tried not to sound too concerned, but I felt my heart starting to beat a little faster.

"Relax, Bella - Edward's fine." She gave me an assuring smile. "And he's here. Downstairs, talking to Charlie."

The relief I felt when I realized Edward was all right quickly got replaced by panic. "Are you kidding me? And you just left him there?" I jumped to my feet, fast enough to give myself a head rush.

My vision became slightly blurry, causing me to sway, and Alice quickly placed a hand on my arm to steady me. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

"Yeah, sure." I waved my hand impatiently, making a motion to step past her. "Look, Alice, I need to-"

She cut me off, "Bella, calm down. Like I said - Edward's just fine. In fact, he's the one who asked me to go upstairs and see you. I guess he wanted to talk to your father in private."

"What?" I gave her a look of disbelief. "That just doesn't make any sense, Alice. I mean, why would he do that?" I felt like my head was spinning.

For a moment, Alice appeared to be a little uncomfortable. She sighed. "Look, he told me a little about what happened yesterday. He feels really bad about it. I think he wants to apologize."

My eyes widened at her words. Not that I was really surprised Edward would feel that way, but for him to actually bite the bullet and voluntarily speak to my dad? The thought filled me with wonder and pride. He had changed so much over the last couple of months, it was absolutely amazing.

Now, if only he could see himself the way I saw him. Sadly, Edward's self-esteem was still at the bottom. However, I was willing to do everything in my power to change that. I figured it would take a lot of time, though. Time, and patience.

Trying to push my worries to the side, at least for the moment, I asked Alice if I'd missed anything of major importance at school, and she happily started filling me in. I did my best to focus on her voice, but I couldn't help but listen for any strange sounds, coming from downstairs. But the house suddenly seemed eerily quiet. Or maybe it was just me.

Suddenly I snapped out of it, as something Alice had just said registered in my brain, and my eyes shot to hers in disbelief. "Wait, could you repeat that? Did you just say Edward...?" I was too shocked to finish.

She smiled at my stunned expression. "Yes, Bella. Edward has been eating lunch with us in the cafeteria for the last two days." I just stared at her as she explained how Emmett of all people had somehow managed to accomplish what I had assumed to be an impossible task. Had there been any doubt left in my mind that Emmett truly cared about Edward, this would've made those thoughts disappear for good.

I felt a few tears prickle the corner of my eyes. On the one hand, I felt like I was about to burst with pride and happiness. And on the other, I just wished I could have been there. I swallowed hard. "That's wonderful, Alice. Really wonderful." I meant it, with all my heart.

"What is?" Edward asked from the doorway, causing me to jump, and he immediately gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry, love. Didn't mean to startle-" he was cut off as I launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest. I let out a content sigh as he hugged me tightly. He smelled so good. I could just stand here inhaling his delicious scent for hours.

"You are," I mumbled now, in response to his question. "I've missed you so much today, Edward. I'm telling you, I'll never get sick again." He just chuckled.

Alice finally let out a gagging sound, although when she spoke, I didn't miss the teasing note in her voice. "You guys are so sweet, it's disgusting. Stop it."

Reluctantly pulling back a little, Edward raised a brow at her, but she just beamed at him. He merely shook his head and turned back to me, running his knuckles tenderly down my cheek. "Hi."

"Hi," I breathed, melting on the spot. Then the bubble burst, bringing me back to reality. "Did you talk to my dad?" He nodded. "And?" I prompted, hoping I didn't sound as nervous as I felt.

"We're cool," was all he offered. My eyes narrowed suspiciously, but I noticed he didn't seem upset, so I decided to let it go. After all, I had been missing him desperately all day, and now when he was finally here, I really didn't feel like talking about Charlie. And judging by the way he kept gazing lovingly into my eyes, I was pretty sure Edward felt the same way.

Alice let out an exaggerated sigh, rolling her eyes in a goodhearted manner. "Okay... I think I'll just head home."

"You don't have to go," I protested, not wanting Alice to feel unwelcome. Edward shook his head in agreement.

She just smiled. "It's okay, I wasn't planning on staying. I just wanted to say hi. Actually, I'm going to Jasper's for dinner. He's coming to pick me up."

I nodded in understanding, relieved that she wasn't leaving because she felt left out. "Oh, well, have fun." Alice just grinned in response, causing me to blush as it hit me that she and Jasper were actually doing it. She had never admitted out loud that they were having sex - I could only assume it was out of respect towards me and Edward - but I wasn't all that surprised.

"Yeah, um, tell Jasper I said hi. Or, you know, whatever." Edward shrugged awkwardly, and someone who didn't know him would most likely think he was being rude. But Alice was beaming, nodding eagerly, and it hit me once again how much things had changed lately.

A few minutes later, Edward and I were alone. I walked over to the bed and sat down, smiling shyly.

"So..." Edward cleared his throat. "How are you feeling, love? Still tired?" After a brief moment's hesitation, he made his way over to me and sat down as well, reaching for my hand and starting to trace patterns in my palm with his thumb. The gesture warmed my heart.

I was tempted to say yes, just to have an excuse to curl up next to him and fall asleep in his arms again, like I had yesterday. But I shook my head. "Nope. I feel so much better today. Looks like it was just a 24-hour bug or something."

"I'm glad." He brought my hand up to his lips and pressed a tender kiss to each of my knuckles. "Think I would've gone crazy if I'd had to go to school one more day without you." He kept his tone light, but I had a feeling he wasn't really joking. His words made me both sad and happy at the same time.

"You would've managed," I assured him. "Hey, Alice told me you had lunch in the cafeteria. That's amazing, baby! I'm so proud of you."

Instead of looking pleased by my praise, like I had expected, Edward frowned. "You make it sound like that's some major accomplishment. But it's not. Everyone eats in the fucking cafeteria, Bella. This is no big deal, not really." A pause. "Guess it's just me being a little less of a freak than usual."

My smile faded at his words - I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Or, in a way, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised. He just couldn't see anything good and positive in himself, and it was crushing me. It also made me angry. "Don't say that! It may not seem like much for most people, but it is for you. And I _am_ proud of you, dammit! Don't you dare take that away from me."

He blinked in surprise, clearly taken aback by my outburst. Well, I wasn't going to apologize for getting upset.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," I sighed, shaking my head in exasperation. "You were just putting yourself down, as usual. I really wish you wouldn't do that, Edward. It hurts my heart when you think so little of yourself."

He watched me in silence for almost a minute, as if allowing my words to sink in. Then he looked away. "I know, love. I'll try to do better, I promise."

I bit my lip, not sure how to respond to that. It was like - to Edward - nothing he did would ever be good enough. And I just didn't know to make him see things differently. I swallowed. "Can I hug you?"

The sharp note in his voice took me by surprise. "I've told you - you never have to ask!" As tears welled up in my eyes, his face instantly softened and he pulled me into his arms without hesitation. "I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be an ass. I love you."

"Yeah, I know." My words came out muffled as I buried my face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, too."

He let out a soft sigh, as of relief. For a couple of minutes, we just sat there silently, holding on to each other. Then - in unison - we slowly slid down on the bed until we were both in a lying position, arms still wrapped tightly around the other. Edward nuzzled my hair, and I happily snuggled closer. In that moment, I was in heaven.

And then he whispered, "Bella?" I just hummed in response, enjoying the way his hand was running slowly up and down my back. His movement stilled then, his fingers hesitating at the edge of my shirt, and suddenly I was afraid to even breathe. I could feel the slight tremor of his chest as he swallowed hard. "Can I... touch you?"

I felt my lips part, but no words came out. So I tried again. This time, a strange, moaning sound escaped my throat, and my cheeks flushed. "You're already touching me," I finally managed to get out in a breathless whisper, not daring to hope his words would actually mean what they sounded like.

"Yes, but I..." I felt him tremble against me, but somehow, I just knew it had nothing to do with fear or discomfort. When he finally went on, his voice was barely more than a whisper, "I wanna touch you... more."

"Sure, any way you want," I breathed, knowing I probably sounded way more eager than what would be considered appropriate, but I didn't care. In that moment, I would do just about anything to keep him from pulling away from me.

Suddenly, I was also absolutely convinced that I needed Edward to touch me more than I needed air to breathe.

He was still tentatively fingering my shirt, although truthfully, I wasn't even sure he was actually aware of doing it. So I knew I was taking a risk when I spoke up, softly, "I'll take it off if you want." He froze in his tracks, and for a second, I feared I had just made a huge mistake.

Then he nodded. "All right."

**OoO**

**End Notes****: I just wanna say that I deliberately left out Edward's conversation with Charlie, and I did it for a reason. When this story is complete, I'm going to post some outtakes, and one of them will be from Charlie's POV. Then you'll find out exactly what they were talking about. I hope you won't be too disappointed, but that's the way it's going to be.**


	93. Chapter 93

**Bella**

My brain must have stopped working, because I clearly wasn't thinking straight. I had already started to pull the shirt over my head when I came to my senses and stopped, my eyes widening as I remembered that Charlie was downstairs. Should he decide to come check on us...

I couldn't even finish that thought in my head.

Edward noticed my sudden hesitation and pulled back a little, his expression a mixture of confusion and disappointment. "Bella, you don't have to... I mean, if you have changed your mind..." his voice trailed off and he quickly lowered his eyes.

"No!" I gasped, fiercely shaking my head. "But... but my dad. He could come up here, and..." My cheeks flushed.

He just looked at me blankly for a second, and then understanding seemed to hit him. "Oh. Um, he's not..." he cleared his throat. "He said something about going to the station."

I gave him a hopeful look. "Are you sure?" He nodded. Glancing at the closed door, I bit my lip. "Could be a trick."

Edward's face paled a little and he gulped. "A trick?" He suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

"I'll be right back, okay? Don't go anywhere." I jumped out of the bed before he got the chance to stop me and hurried over to the door, carefully pushing it open. Listening for a moment, I then called out softly, "Dad?" No response. But I had to make sure he wasn't down there. So I snuck through the hallway as quietly as I could, tiptoeing down the stairs.

The TV was off, and Charlie was nowhere to be seen. I looked out the window, searching for any sign of his cruiser. But the driveway was empty. I made no attempt of holding back my relief and excitement as I quickly made my way back upstairs, back to Edward.

He was sitting up on the bed, fidgeting nervously as I reentered the room. I gave him a smile I hoped would help him relax. "The coast is clear. He really left." I didn't hesitate as I went over to him and climbed back into bed. Then I glanced at him. "Um, where were we?"

"Bella..." He took a deep breath. "Look, I feel kinda lost here. This is not... _I'm_ not…" he closed his eyes for a moment. When he spoke again, I had to struggle to make out the words. "I'm not sure what I should be doing right now," he confessed. I opened my mouth, but he hurried on, "I can't... I mean, fuck, I'm not ready to... I just wanna..."

I cut him off by pressing my lips to his, willing his discomfort to go away. His obvious awkwardness made me feel bad for him, because I realized he had no idea I was nervous as well.

"Edward," I whispered, relieved when his eyes immediately met mine. "I don't expect you to do anything you're not comfortable with. Let's just start real slow. You said you wanted to touch me?" He nodded. "Do you still want me to...?" I gestured to my shirt.

He swallowed, then nodded again. I was unable to keep the relieved smile off my face. "Okay." An idea hit me. "Hey, why don't we just get under the covers? We'd be more comfortable that way."

Edward seemed to contemplate my words. "Yeah, all right." I reached for the thick duvet and pulled it over us. Then, after a few seconds of hesitation, I finally removed my top, letting it drop to the floor. That was when I remembered that I was wearing a plain white sports bra underneath, and felt a wave of embarrassment come over me.

Why hadn't I put on something a little more... exciting?

I wanted to curl up in Edward's arms and hide my face in the crook of his neck, allowing his touch, his smell, his mere presence to soothe me and make my sudden uneasiness disappear. But for some reason, I was afraid to move. Not that I was uncomfortable exactly, but I was starting to feel self-conscious. What if I couldn't live up to Edward's expectations? Would he be disappointed in me?

Let's face it - I wasn't all that special. My skin was too pale, and my breasts were kind of small. And I realized it had been at least a week since I last shaved my legs. I made a mental note to keep my sweat pants on, no matter what. Then I almost rolled my eyes. Talk about getting ahead of myself.

Edward must have sensed my distress - somehow he had become an expert of reading my emotions - because he offered me a small smile and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. "You're beautiful," he mumbled.

This time, I did roll my eyes, even though what he said had made my heart pick up its speed. It may have been a lie, but that didn't stop the words from doing funny things to my inside. "Right. You haven't even seen me yet." To emphasize my point, I motioned to the duvet covering me.

"I've always seen you, love." Edward brushed his lips against mine. "I've always known how beautiful you are."

I think I died a little. Either that, or I had just melted into a big puddle of goo.

Then I forced myself to snap out of it, because there was no way I was going to let this opportunity pass. Unknowingly, he had just given me an opening to what would otherwise most likely turn into an awkward conversation. I sucked in a breath. "The same goes for you, baby. You must know that. You're just as beautiful to me as I am to you." His eyes darkened and he started shaking his head in protest.

I didn't give him a chance to object as I went on, a firm note in my voice, "No, you are. I've seen your heart, Edward, and it's so beautiful. You may have scars, both on your body and your soul, but that doesn't make you imperfect in any way. I know you think of them as flaws, but they're not. They're just..." I searched quickly for the right word, "...proof."

He frowned, and I didn't miss the look of confusion on his face. "Proof of what?" he asked quietly.

I placed my hand on his cheek, watching how he closed his eyes. "That you've been through hell, and made it back." His eyes snapped open. I tried to smile. "And I will be grateful for the rest of my life that you're here, and that you chose me." A single tear rolled down his face. I kissed it away. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he breathed into my mouth, a second before catching my lips with his.

It was really nice here in Heaven. I wouldn't mind staying forever.

When Edward pulled back, it was way too soon for my liking. But for some reason, the look on his face kept me from whining in protest. He started running his fingers gently through my hair, although I got the feeling the action was more a subconscious attempt to calm himself down than anything else. Not that I would ever complain, of course. The fact that he wouldn't meet my eyes bothered me.

I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but something prevented me from doing so. Somehow I just knew he was working up the courage to share his thoughts with me, and it wouldn't do for me to push him. So I remained silent, waiting.

Finally he spoke up, softly, "I'm afraid that if I show you, you will think differently." I shook my head, but he continued before I could interrupt, "I know you won't mean to, but what if you can't help it? You may be..." he swallowed, "...disgusted, Bella. I don't think I can look at you and see the pity in your eyes. It would fucking kill me."

My eyes were stinging, but - surprisingly enough - they remained dry. All these lame and meaningless phrases of assurance were flying through my head, but I spoke the only words that would matter - the truth. "You will never see pity in my eyes, Edward. Only compassion." I paused. "And love. That's a promise."

For the longest time, he just looked at me, no doubt searching for the truth in my eyes. He must have found what he was looking for, because a ghost of a smile appeared on his face. Then he nodded, slowly. "I believe you." After what seemed like hours, but could only have been a minute or two, he finally added, "I think I want to take my shirt off now."

I didn't try to speak, knowing that if I did, my voice would break. Instead I just leaned in and kissed him, tenderly. His lips parted slightly, allowing my tongue to slip into his mouth. Another minute passed as we just got lost in each other. Then Edward broke our kiss for the second time, panting a little. I smiled at him, feeling like it was the only action I would be capable of at the moment.

He released me and sat up, and it didn't even occur to me to protest as he pulled the duvet with him to cover himself, leaving me exposed on the bed.

Then he pulled the black t-shirt over his head.

**Edward**

Whenever I stepped out of the shower, I would avoid looking at myself in the mirror, not wanting to see the ugly red marks, marring my flesh. My back was the worst, seeing how James preferred to have me facing away from him when he was beating me. He mostly used his fists on my face, but when it came to the parts of my body that I could cover up with clothes, he liked to use sharper objects.

Because he wanted to leave marks; a constant reminder on my body that he was the one in charge.

He would hit me with his belt a lot, and that final night, he had used a broken beer bottle. But every once in a while, he would let his creativity loose and try out other ways to inflict damage on my skin. Like a cigarette lighter, a car key, or a pair of scissors. It didn't really matter - it all hurt like a bitch.

I had mentioned my scars to Bella once, but neither of us had brought it up again. Now I realized she hadn't forgotten. Not that I had really expected her to, of course. The thought of showing Bella my scars, exposing myself so completely, filled me with dread. But at the same time...

It was just Bella.

Somehow, she always knew just what to say, what I needed to hear. And my love for her only grew. It was funny, seeing how just a couple of months ago, I hadn't known what love was. I didn't think I had it in me, and I had been convinced that I was so fucking worthless, it just wasn't possible for anyone to ever love me.

Now I knew I was wrong.

Bella loved me. She believed in me. And I needed her to know that I trusted her in return. I needed _myself_ to see that I could do this, that I could trust Bella completely and that she wouldn't judge me. I already knew it in my heart. It was time to put my guard down, allow myself to fall, and trust Bella to be there and catch me.

I took a deep breath. "I think I want to take my shirt off now."

Instead of responding - as if sensing that words were unnecessary - Bella just kissed me. And I knew no pain, anxiety, or fear.

I removed my shirt.

Bella was lying on her side, watching me silently. My instinct told me to avert my eyes, but I fought it. With my eyes locked on hers, I slid back down so I was lying next to her, covering us both up with the duvet. Then I wished I hadn't, because I couldn't see her now. And I wanted to. Desperately.

"You can touch me if you want," Bella murmured, like she could read my mind. I tried to nod, but all of a sudden, I found myself unable to move. There was no panic, no flashbacks. My body was just frozen, as I didn't know what to do. What if I would unintentionally hurt her?

She kept looking me right in the eyes as she took my hand, gently placing it on her stomach. I swallowed. Her skin was smooth, warm. And my fingers were trembling. Bella let out a soft sigh as I finally started moving my hand, rubbing small circles on her flat belly.

I still wasn't sure of what I was doing, but it felt right. And judging by the smile on my Bella's face, she felt the same way. In that moment, I wanted to ask her to touch me as well. But the words wouldn't come. As I kept stroking her, I felt myself growing hard. Only this time, it didn't cause me to freak out.

Mirroring Bella's action, I reached for her hand, slowly guiding it to my chest. After a moment's hesitation, I let go, waiting to see what she would do. A part of me had expected her to immediately start exploring, but she just kept her hand still. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, she finally started moving her thumb back and forth, in the most tender caress.

I closed my eyes, inhaled shakily, and whispered, "Take it off." There was no doubt she wouldn't know what I meant.

Bella didn't ask me if I was sure. Instead she just placed the lightest of kisses at the corner of my mouth, and slowly pulled the duvet down. Then she snuggled into me, resting her head on my shoulder, and started running her fingers gently over my chest. "Thank you," she mumbled into my ear. I couldn't bring myself to respond.

Her hand stilled. "Please, open your eyes," she whispered huskily. When I obeyed, I noticed that her bottom lip was trembling as she let her eyes wander over my upper body. I opened my mouth, only to stop as she leaned in and started planting feather light kisses all over my defected and blemished skin.

She was kissing my scars. And I couldn't find it in me to be disgusted, because it felt so fucking good.

I must have made some kind of sound, because I felt Bella tense up a little, and she glanced at me in concern. "Edward, is this...?"

"Okay," I finished for her, the word coming out as a gasp. "Yes. Please don't stop." I didn't have to ask her twice.

"I love you," Bella mumbled, tracing my skin with her fingers. "You're so beautiful."

I felt a lump growing in my throat. "You still haven't seen my back," I managed to choke out, squeezing my eyes shut.

"No." She shifted a little so she could rest her forehead against mine. "But I will when you're ready. And it won't change a thing."

Somehow, I believed her.

"I love you," I croaked, wrapping myself around her and all but crushing her to me. Bella fitted in my arms so perfectly, like we were made for each other. And the feeling of holding her this close, without the barrier of our shirts between us, it went beyond everything I had ever dared to dream of.

I was still hard, and it was becoming a bit uncomfortable, but I didn't feel sick or repulsed, like I had before. Being with Bella this way felt so natural - there just couldn't be anything bad or wrong with what we were doing. I refused to think that way anymore. I may be broken, damaged, but Bella was so sweet and pure, and I couldn't help but feel like her touch, her very presence, was cleansing me.

Healing me.

"I love you, Bella," I gasped, repeating the words over and over, because I couldn't get enough of saying it, and I couldn't fucking get enough of holding her, hugging her, touching her. I needed to feel her, and I needed to feel her hands on my body, because it made me realize this was all real, and not just something I had conjured up in my mind.

Like always, Bella seemed to know just what I needed without me having to say it out loud. She squeezed me tighter, whispering soft words of love and assurance into my ear, and her lips found mine. I didn't even react when her hands started running up and down my back, caressing me tenderly, although I knew she could feel the rough and ridged texture of my skin.

It just didn't bother me.

I slid my leg across hers, just to get even closer, and I heard Bella let out a soft moan. Then, without even realizing what I was doing, I rolled us over so I was on top of her. Her only response was to tighten her grip on me, and my lips searched for hers again, hungrily and desperately.

I didn't want to stop. I wanted more.

And suddenly I felt like things were moving too fast.

"Wait," I panted, rolling off Bella before the panic would set in. She froze in her tracks and let go of me immediately. I sat up abruptly, forcing myself to take a couple of long, slow breaths. As the seconds ticked by, I felt myself relaxing. I was all right. Still no flashbacks, no voices in my head. I was even able to offer Bella a shaky smile. "I'm okay." I meant it.

She watched me closely for a moment, as if to make sure I was being sincere. Then she smiled as well. "I guess we'll just have to go a bit slower the next time."

The next time?

I realized I could hardly wait.


	94. Chapter 94

**Edward**

"So, how has your week been?" Angela asked as I plonked myself down on the couch. That seemed to be her standard question every time we started a session, but - unlike the shrinks I had been seeing in the past - she managed to make it come out less forced and robotic, and more like she was actually interested.

"Good," I responded automatically. Then I frowned, which of course didn't go by her.

"You look surprised," she stated, giving me a curious look. "Would you mind telling me what you're thinking?"

I shrugged, somewhat awkwardly. The truth was, I had spoken without even thinking, and it wasn't until the words had already left my mouth that I realized I meant it.

How about that?

Of course, it made me wonder how long it would last. And even more so - what would happen next? This wasn't me being pessimistic, not really. It was simply my experience speaking. Because sooner or later, the world always came crashing down on me. Well, either that, or I managed to screw things up all by myself.

I sighed. "Actually, I'm thinking that things have been a little too good lately."

She looked a little confused. "And that's a bad thing?"

"No." I shook my head, impatiently. "But it's just a matter of time before something bad happens. That's the story of my fucking life."

"I see." Angela got a thoughtful look on her face. "You feel like the last couple of days have sort of been like the calm before the storm, is that what you mean?" I considered her words for a moment, then nodded. She nodded as well. "It's possible. But there's also a pretty good chance you're wrong. So, unless you can predict the future..." she left the rest of the sentence hanging.

I rolled my eyes, feeling a little stupid. "Of course not. Just saying it's better to be prepared."

"Maybe. And maybe not." She leaned back into the chair. "If you ask me, I'd say that sounds like a pretty exhausting way of living - always expecting the worst to happen and never be able to fully relax."

"Yeah, well, it beats getting disappointed every time life decides it's time to screw me over again," I muttered angrily.

Angela was quiet for a moment. "Are you saying you blame life for what happened to you?"

"No, I fucking blame _him_!" I growled, giving her a look that dared her to object. When she remained silent, I continued, only a little calmer this time,"But the bastard's out of my life, and I'm still all fucked up. So explain to me why I shouldn't just sit and wait for the other shoe to drop." I didn't miss the almost pleading note in my voice, and I wondered if she had heard as well. Not that I really cared.

I just desperately wanted her to tell me I was wrong.

"Because it makes you miserable." I blinked in surprise. Angela went on, "Refusing to let your guard down may seem like a safe way to keep from getting hurt. But frankly, I believe it only has the opposite effect. Now, I know you have some really good things in your life. Let's focus on those for a while. How does that sound?"

I nodded in agreement, eager to get the dark thoughts out of my head. "All right."

She clapped her hands together. "You said the last week was good, which means some positive things must have happened. Tell me."

"Um..." I hesitated. My thoughts immediately went to Bella, and the intimate moment we had shared in her bed a few days ago. But for some reason, I didn't feel comfortable bringing it up, at least not right now. It just seemed a little too personal. I remembered something else. "Oh, I've been having lunch in the school cafeteria a couple of times."

"Really?" A genuine smile appeared on Angela's face. "That's wonderful, Edward. Tell me about it. How did it work out for you?"

A little embarrassed - but also secretly pleased by her obvious approval - I lowered my eyes and shrugged. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first time, the cafeteria was almost empty. I sat with Emmett and Alice, and two of their friends."

Angela didn't even try to hide the look of surprise on her face. "No Bella?"

"She was sick," I explained. "But she's better now. We all had lunch together yesterday."

She nodded in understanding. "What about today?"

"Just me and Bella," I admitted. Just because I was getting more comfortable eating with the others as well didn't mean I was about to give up my sacred time with Bella. We would still have lunch together - just the two of us, out by the picnic table - every once in a while, for as long as I had anything to say about it. And I knew Bella felt the same way.

"Well, I think this is great." I could tell she was being sincere. "You've taken something that used to make you very uncomfortable and agitated, and turned it into a positive experience. You should be really proud of yourself."

Suddenly feeling a bit awkward, I looked away. Maybe she was right, but that was not the way my mind worked. I would blame myself whenever something went wrong - that was a given. But on the rare occasions when I _didn't_ fuck everything up, resulting in things actually turning out right for a change, it never occurred to me to feel pride of what I had accomplished. It just wasn't in me.

Naturally, Angela didn't miss the way my expression changed. "Tell me what you're thinking."

I sighed, stubbornly keeping my eyes away. "You said I should be proud of myself. I don't..." I hesitated, not sure how to explain. But I realized I didn't have to, because she could obviously see right through me.

"You're not used to thinking like that." She nodded in understanding. "That's something we need to work on - for you to learn how to feel good about yourself." I raised my head, giving her a skeptical look, but remained silent. She continued, "The way I see it, Edward, you've become trapped in a vicious circle, where you keep looking at things from a negative point of view."

I just looked at her, waiting for her to go on, although I was pretty certain I wasn't going to like where she was heading.

"Let me give you an example." Angela calmly held my gaze. "About a week and a half ago, you and Bella went to the movies with your sister, Alice, and her boyfriend." I tensed up, and my eyes darkened as I recalled the humiliating incident at the movie theater. She gave me a sad smile. "Now, you're instantly thinking of what went wrong. Am I correct?" I merely grunted in response.

She went on, "But Edward, by simply focusing on the set-backs, you're not allowing yourself to see the progress. What about the fact that you tried? That you actually attempted to do something you knew would be outside your comfort zone? If you ask me, that's indeed something to be proud of."

_"Then you're a hell of a lot more brave than I am. I have a problem with heights, and I would rather cut off my own hand and run around school naked than taking Alice out skydiving or something like that. Really, I'm impressed you even agreed to come here in the first place."_

For some reason, I heard Jasper's voice in my head. Those were the exact words he had said after I confessed to him I had a problem with dark and crowded places. To tell the truth, I still couldn't believe I had even told him that much, but I had, and he didn't laugh at me. Instead he told me he was impressed.

And I had basically just shrugged him off.

Now I threw a reluctant look at Angela. "I hear what you're saying. But what's the point in trying, if it's just never good enough?"

"The point is, you don't give up." There was a firm note in her voice. "And more importantly, you need to open up to the possibility that - to other people - the fact that you're even trying in the first place makes it enough." I opened my mouth, then closed it again, having no idea how to respond to that.

She watched me thoughtfully for a moment. "Progress is about more than just visible improvement on the road towards healing. It's also about learning something in the process. And sometimes, a step back could actually be better than just being stuck stomping at the same place. It could be a sign, telling you it's time to try facing the problem from another direction."

I frowned at her. "Meaning?"

"It means," Angela explained patiently, "that you need to find a solution that works for you. You need to remember that you always have a choice. Like for example, the next time you take Bella out on a date. Instead of forcing yourself into a situation you may not be ready for, you might want to find an alternative you'll both be comfortable with."

"Right." I nodded slowly as I took a few seconds to ponder her words. In a way, it made sense. "I'll think about it." She looked very pleased. Casting a discreet look at my watch, I realized we had already been talking for almost twenty minutes. So far, this session hadn't been that bad.

Of course, I should've known better than thinking it would last.

"Edward, I've been meaning to ask you..." Her face turned serious. "Have you given any thought to what we talked about last week?" When I just gave her a blank look, she clarified, "I told you about this group therapy session we're having here once a week. You were against it when I brought it up the last time. I just wanted to know if you still feel the same way."

Fighting back the urge to tell her what I really thought of the idea, I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling frustration well up inside me. "Yes, I do."

"Okay." Angela nodded in acceptance. "May I ask why?"

"Does it matter? I said I don't wanna go, and I fucking meant it." I let out a sigh of defeat. "Look, talking to you is one thing, I guess. But you will never get me to sit in a room full of strangers and share my memories of my fucked up childhood. Just forget it. It's not fucking happening." I slumped back in my seat, crossing my arms protectively over my chest.

"Fair enough. I won't ask you again." She was quiet for a moment. "I do, however, have another proposition for you. Or, to be more accurate, there is someone I would like for you to meet." Seeing how my eyes widened in alarm, she hurried on, "Just hear me out, and I promise, the final decision will be yours. All right?"

Relaxing, if ever so slightly, I nodded. She went on explaining, "There's this friend of mine - a young man - studying to become a psychologist. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not asking you to talk to him like you talk to me, or tell him your life story." A pause. "I'm just asking you to listen to his."

I swallowed hard, my entire body tensing up and screaming at me to yell 'hell no!' "Why?" I managed to get out.

She looked me right in the eyes. "Because I believe it would be of great benefit for you to hear what he has to say. Of course, Bella is more than welcome to come as well. Will you at least think about it?"

_Fuck, no!_

"All right," I heard myself croak. It would be so much easier to just fucking humor her. Hopefully, it would get her off my back for now.

Except that I had promised myself to give this a fucking chance. To give Angela a chance.

And just when the hell had she become _Angela_ to me? Up until now, I hadn't even realized I had stopped referring to her in my head as Dr. Weber.

Did that mean I was starting to trust her? The thought scared me shitless. It was dangerous to trust people. Other than Bella, of course, who I had come to trust with my life. But that was it. Or, I supposed I could count on Carlisle and Esme to be there for me as well, seeing how they always had. And I figured I also had Alice on my side. Hell, Emmett too.

I had always been afraid of taking chances in life, because of the risk of getting hurt again. But suddenly I couldn't help but wonder - what did I have to lose? Things had changed. _I_ had changed. Would it really be so horrible to accept the help people were offering me? To ask for it myself?

Again - what the fuck did I have to lose?

Later that night, I knocked on the door to Carlisle's office. If he was surprised to see me, he didn't let it show. Instead he just gestured for me to enter. "Come on in, son. What can I do for you?"

"Um..." I hesitated for a moment. "Just wanted to talk to you about something. But if you're busy...?"

"Absolutely not. I've been meaning to take a break for a while now, anyway." He put down the book he was reading and motioned for me to sit. "How did the session go today?"

I shrugged. "Went all right, I guess. Angela is..." I searched my mind for the best way to describe her, "...not as bad as the other shrinks. She's pretty cool."

"I'm very happy to hear you feel that way." Carlisle looked relieved. "She is actually married to a colleague of mine - a male nurse working down at the ER. But I had never met her in person, and I wasn't even aware of her occupation. Guess it's a small world sometimes."

I nodded absently. "Right. I, uh, didn't really come here to talk about the session." Encouraged by the interest in his eyes, I continued, "Um, remember when we talked about... my birth father?" I held my breath.

Carlisle's expression immediately changed. "Yes, of course."

Inhaling shakily, I ran a hand through my hair. "You said there were ways to find out whether or not Mrs. Masen was telling the truth." Funny how I couldn't even say the name without cringing. He just nodded, now with a look of concern on his face. I swallowed. "I think... I wanna know."

"Are you sure?" he asked softly. I nodded, after only a brief moment of hesitation. "All right, then I promise to do whatever I can. It might take a while, though." I nodded again. To tell the truth, I was a bit relieved. It meant I would have some time to get used to the idea. Not to mention that I could still change my mind if I wanted to.

"And..." Fidgeting a little, I lowered my eyes, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "There's more."

"Go ahead." His curiosity was piqued.

It hit me that I hadn't really thought this through. It wasn't like me to jump on an impulse, and to be honest, I wasn't even sure where the idea had come from in the first place. But there was this one little word, repeating itself in my head, over and over again.

_Closure._

Whether I was becoming really brave, or just plain stupid and reckless, I didn't know. I just suddenly felt like this was something I needed to do.

I felt a slight pressure on my chest, and I knew the panic was lingering just beneath the surface, but somehow, I managed to keep it from turning into a full-blown attack. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head to face Carlisle. "I wanna see her."

There was a hint of confusion on his face. "See who, son?"

I went on, ignoring his question, because I just wanted to get it all out as quickly as possible, "Not right now, but once I turn eighteen. I wanna see her then. Talk to her. Ask her..." The words got stuck in my throat, so I started over, not caring how my voice was suddenly trembling, "I-I need to know why she did it. Why she let him... hurt me."

"She...?" Carlisle stopped, and I could see the exact moment realization hit him. Then he paled. "Your mother. Elizabeth."

"You can find her, right? I mean, you know where she lives. You must know how to get in contact with her." I was babbling now - I could hear it - but I couldn't help myself. "Carlisle, I fucking hate her. I hate that she didn't..." I was shaking now, and almost longed for the merciful darkness to enclose me. To make me numb, to take me to a place where I just didn't have to deal with all this shit.

But maybe it was time to stop living in denial and hiding from reality.

_"Because it makes you miserable,"_ Angela pointed out again, this time in my head.

And I was so fucking tired of being miserable.

"I need to do this," I whispered, praying that Carlisle would understand. "Don't you see? I'll never be able to leave it behind me if I don't know why... why she never tried to fucking stop him."

"She was sick," Carlisle reminded me, his voice suddenly husky with emotion. "It still makes her actions inexcusable, but... Edward, I don't understand. What brought this on?"

I shook my head. "I-I don't know. I just... Are you saying you... that you won't help me?"

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were glistening. "No, son, I will help you. I'll always help you."

I let out the breath I had been holding. "Thank you."


	95. Chapter 95

A/N: Thank you all so much for your reviews and e-mails. I read them all several times, and your kind words mean the world to me.

OoO

**Bella**

The next couple of days seemed to pass pretty quickly, and before I knew it, it was Friday. We were all having lunch together in the cafeteria, discussing our plans for the weekend. Or, to be more accurate - Alice was trying to make plans for the rest of us, making it seem like we didn't really have any say in the matter.

I was only half listening when she went on excitedly about a potential movie night at their house, instead turning to Edward who was sitting next to me, absently tapping his fingers against the table. "Wanna come over to my house after school?" I asked softly. "We could just hang out for a while."

"Sure," he responded immediately, and I smiled, thinking of how much things had changed. Only a week ago, I never would've thought I'd see the day when Edward willingly entered the cafeteria to have lunch with his siblings. Of course, I could tell he still wasn't completely comfortable, seeing how he would tense up from time to time, casting nervous looks around him. But he mostly remained calm.

That alone was so much more than I ever would have dared to hope for, and I could barely contain the pride and happiness I felt for him.

"What do you say, guys?" Alice's bubbly voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "Tomorrow night? Our place. Are you in or out?"

"Um..." I glanced at Edward. "It sounds like fun-"

"But we already have plans," Edward finished, cutting me off. Alice's eyes narrowed and I could see she was about to object. Obviously seeing my confusion, Edward looked a little embarrassed and hurried to explain, quietly, "Actually, I was hoping we could do something, just the two of us. Like a date. But if you'd rather hang out with the others and watch movies-"

"No!" I interrupted, unable to hide my excitement. "I mean, sure, I'd love to go out on a date. What did you have in mind?" I sent Alice an apologetic look, hoping she would understand, but to my relief, she just grinned and winked at me.

Edward cleared his throat, looking somewhat awkward. "Um, it's a surprise," he mumbled. "You'll see tomorrow." I beamed at him, leaning in to steal a quick kiss, and was rewarded with a crooked smile.

"What about tonight, then?" Alice asked now, obviously not ready to give up her idea of a movie night. She looked hopefully around the table before her eyes landed on Edward, and she gave him a pleading look. "It would be so much fun. Just the six of us. Please?"

Edward threw a questioning look at me. I just shrugged, helplessly. He sighed before finally nodding in agreement. "Fine. Whatever."

It may not have been the enthusiastic response Alice had hoped for, but she let out a squeal, bouncing happily up and down in her seat. I just shook my head, but was secretly pleased. It did sound like fun, and I realized I was already looking forward to tonight. Especially since Edward didn't seem too opposed to the idea.

When school was out for the day, I met up with Edward out in the parking lot. His face lit up when he spotted me, although his smile faded when he saw the ugly red bump on my forehead. "What the fuck happened?" he demanded, instantly running his hands gently all over my head, as if checking for more damage.

"It's nothing." I waved him off and blushed, feeling like an idiot. "Accident prone, remember? I fell down in gym. Really, I'm fine. It looks a lot worse than it really is." There was no way I would reveal the whole humiliating story - that I had gracelessly tripped over my feet, which caused me to stumble into the badminton net, bounced back and ended up smacking my head with my own racket.

No, I preferred to keep what little dignity I had left. PE was my own personal hell on earth.

Edward didn't look convinced at first, but when he seemed to realize my pride had been more hurt than my head, he finally decided to let it go, much to my relief. But not before brushing his lips gently against my forehead, chuckling a little, and calling me his 'little accident magnet'. I scowled at him, which only added to his amusement.

Then he opened the door to his car and held it open for me, only he stopped me before I could get inside, and kissed me for real this time. And just like that, he was forgiven. I gave him a lazy smile as I slid into the Volvo. He reached for my hand, and then held it all the way to my house.

My truck was the only vehicle in the driveway, which meant that Charlie had yet to come home. I vaguely recalled him telling me something this morning about working late at the station, and I couldn't help but feel excited. It looked as if Edward and I would have the house all to ourselves for a while.

"You sure you don't mind us hanging out with Alice and Emmett tonight?" I asked casually once we were up in my room. "Because if you only agreed to get Alice off your back..." I left the rest of the sentence hanging.

"No, I don't mind." He walked over to my bed and sat down. "I really was going to ask you out tomorrow, you know. I didn't just make it up as an excuse."

"I didn't think you did," I assured him, sitting down next to him on the bed. "And I'm really excited. I wish you'd give me some kind of hint, though. I mean..." I thought quickly, "How am I supposed to know what to wear?"

"Clothes?" he suggested with a smirk.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's really helpful. Thanks." Edward just grinned.

Then he became serious. "Listen, Bella, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. And I'd prefer to get it over with before we go back to my house." He paused. "I want you to have a good time tonight, love. So just promise me that once we've gotten this shit out of the way, you'll let it go." There was an almost pleading note in his voice.

Of course, his words made me tense up in alarm. "I'll try, but... You're making me kinda nervous here. Is it bad?"

It took a moment before he answered. "I don't know. Not really, I guess. I mean, nothing's happened or anything. It's just..." He hesitated. "Look, I made a decision the other day, a pretty big one, and I want to tell you about it. I'm just not sure of how you'll react."

"Oh." I bit my lip, then managed a smile. "Okay, just tell me. I promise not to freak out."

Edward looked a little skeptical, but nodded. Then he looked down at his hands. "All right. Um, okay, here goes. I've decided that I'm going to see my mother." He glanced at me, no doubt unsure of my reaction, despite my words of assurance.

At first, I couldn't comprehend what he had just told me, and I almost thought he was joking. But his dead serious expression told me otherwise. My eyes widened in disbelief, and all that left my mouth was a perplexed, "What?"

He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "Bella, I know this must sound crazy to you. Will you please just let me explain?"

I instantly felt guilty, because crazy or not, this was obviously a big deal to him, or he would never have brought it up in the first place. He obviously needed me to be supportive. But I just didn't understand what he was saying. His mother? After all this time, he wanted to see her? For what reason? Was that even allowed? It just didn't make any sense to me.

A million questions flew through my mind, but I pushed them all away, at least for now. Then I took his hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm listening, baby. I'm sorry, I'm just a bit confused right now. Just start from the beginning. I'll try not to interrupt until you're done."

He visibly relaxed a little. "It's not that I actually _want_ to see her again. I just..." A frustrated sigh escaped him. "Look, I know I haven't told you much about Elizabeth. I don't like talking about her - hell, I don't even like to _think_ about her. To be perfectly honest, I've done my best to just block out her existence. Because I fucking hate her. I'm sorry if that upsets you."

I stared at him in bewilderment. "Why in the world would that upset me?"

Edward grimaced, clearly uncomfortable, but to his credit, he looked me right in the eyes. "Because I know how much you've been mourning the loss of _your_ mother, and here I am wishing mine was buried six feet down the fucking ground."

His words may have seemed cruel, and there was a sudden coldness in his voice that made me shiver, but I honestly couldn't blame him for feeling like that. Still, the pure hatred I could sense in him as he spoke of his birth mother chilled me to the bone. And at the same time, it broke my heart.

No child should ever have to feel that way about a parent. In that moment, I got the feeling Edward hated his mother almost more than he hated James. Thinking about it, I understood completely. His mother should have been the first to protect him. Instead she had repeatedly allowed that vicious bastard to hurt him, in the worst way possible.

I supposed it was only natural that he would wish both of them dead. Frankly, I felt the same way, even though I had - thankfully - never met either one of them in person. But as far as I was concerned, by hurting my Edward, those two didn't deserve to live, period.

"Edward..." I scooted closer to him, putting my head down to rest on his shoulder. His arms immediately found their way around me and he let out a shuddering breath. I tried to choose my next words very carefully. "Look, in a way, it does upset me. But only because I wish you wouldn't have to go through this. Never feel like you have to hold back your feelings because of me."

He let out a soft sigh, nodding in acceptance. I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. "Yes, I miss my mom a lot. She loved me and she was good to me - she was sort of my best friend. I was lucky to have her. But I know it's different for you. You have every right to feel like that. It's okay."

A few minutes passed in silence. Then Edward spoke up, softly, "Sometimes I wonder if she's ever thinking about me. Hell, I haven't seen her in almost seven years. Think she's just forgotten all about me?" I tried to force myself to speak around the huge lump in my throat, but my mouth had suddenly lost its ability to form words. All I could do was hugging him to me, desperately fighting back tears.

As if sensing that I had a hard time keeping my emotions under control, he went on without waiting for me to compose myself enough to come up with an answer, "That would just be fucking typical, wouldn't it? I end up damaged for life and she just conveniently forgets me, moving on with her life like I never fucking existed." The raw pain in his voice nearly broke me in halves.

Somehow, I managed to find my voice. "I don't think she could ever really forget you, Edward. If anything, she should be sorry for the rest of her life that you're no longer a part of it. But that's her loss. She doesn't deserve you, and the way I see it, she lost every right to call herself your mother the first time she let that monster..." I was unable to finish the sentence, but it was okay - he knew what I meant.

"I know." His voice cracked. "But Bella, that's just it. I don't fucking get it. So, she was sick. I know that. But she was on medication for a while, and it was supposed to make her better. Why didn't she fucking care?" A choked sob escaped him. "Why didn't she want me?"

"I don't know," I whispered in defeat, rubbing my cheek against his and running my fingers gently through his hair. "I'm so sorry, baby. I don't know what to tell you."

He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and when he finally spoke again, his voice was hoarse, raspy, "That's why I need to see her, Bella. Because I need to know. Please understand. I just can't go on like this. It's fucking killing me."

"I do understand." I swallowed hard. "And I'll support you every step of the way, you know that. But I'm not gonna lie, Edward. I'm scared of what seeing her will do to you."

As my confession left my mouth, I could literally feel some of the tension leave his body. "I can handle it," he mumbled. "If you'll be there with me." My eyes widened slightly. Did he really want me to be there when he confronted his birth mother? For a moment, I felt a shiver of apprehension run down my spine. Could I? Would I be strong enough?

Then I decided it didn't matter. If Edward wanted me there with him, that's where I would be.

He must have seen my hesitation, because he lowered his eyes. "You don't have to. I didn't mean to make it sound like you don't have a choice. I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. I just-"

"No." I cut him off, placing my hand on his arm. "Edward, I'll be there. Of course I will. You just surprised me a little, that's all."

The relief was evident on his face. "Thank you." He hesitated a little. "I already talked to Carlisle about this. He knows how to get in touch with her." A pause. "I also asked him to try to find out more about my... about my father. I've decided I want to know the truth."

This was a lot of heavy information to take in at once. And yet, all I could think of was how incredibly happy I was that Edward was willing to share this with me. That he wasn't pushing me away. And this time, he had opened up to me voluntarily, without me having to coax his thoughts and feelings out of him.

I gave him a soft smile. "Thanks for telling me this. Like I said, I'll be there every step of the way. We'll get through this together." He nodded in agreement, looking as if a huge weight had just lifted from his shoulders. We talked some more, and it was obvious that now when he had gotten all this off his chest, he had become a lot calmer and willing to answer my questions.

Charlie still hadn't come home by the time we got ready to head over to Edward's house, so I left him a note saying there were leftovers from yesterday in the fridge, and all he had to do was heating them up in the microwave. Then I grabbed my cellphone and my jacket, and we were out the door.

About half an hour later, we were all spread out in the living room at the Cullens, stuffing ourselves with pizza as we were discussing which movie to watch first. Or actually, Alice and Emmett were arguing, and the rest of us just shaking our heads and rolling our eyes at them. Both of them were stubborn, refusing to give in. It was really quite amusing.

The best part was that Edward seemed perfectly relaxed. This was the first time all six of us had attempted to hang out together, unless you counted having lunch at school. I had to admit I was a bit wary at first, even though I had been excited and hopeful all the same. I just didn't want anything to go wrong tonight. But so far, things were going well.

"Forget it, Alice!" Emmett declared incredulously. "I told you - horror or action. There's no way I'm gonna watch some lame-ass vampire movie."

Alice scoffed at him. "But this _is_ horror! And Kiefer Sutherland is really hot. Jazz?" She turned to her boyfriend for help.

Jasper raised his hands, looking somewhat alarmed. "Sorry, darling. I love you, but you're on your own on this one." Emmett laughed in victory, leaning over to share a high-five with Jasper, who gave Alice an apologetic look and a peck on the cheek.

"Traitor," Alice muttered, but failed to hold back a smile as Jasper slid his arm around her shoulders and whispered something in her ear. Emmett made a gagging sound, resulting in Rosalie smacking him at the back of his head.

"Okay, that's it. You two had your chance." Edward reached across the table and picked up the scattered DVD cases, handing them to me. "Bella gets to decide which movie to watch," he explained matter-of-factly. Nobody objected, and I beamed at him.

"Thanks, baby." I grinned, holding up _The Lost Boys_. "We're watching the vamp movie." Emmett groaned loudly.

"Yes!" Alice yelled in triumph and snatched the DVD out of my hand.

"I'm holding you responsible for this." Emmett pointed at Edward, although there was no real accusation behind his words. Edward just flipped him off in response, not looking the least bit upset.

There was a huge bowl of popcorn on the table in front of us and I reached for a handful. Then I snuggled up in Edward's arms, waiting for the movie to start.

Right now, life was good.


	96. Chapter 96

**A/N****: I get this question almost every day: how much longer will this story be? The truth is, I can't say. We are moving towards the end, but it's not over yet. I'm sorry I can't give you a precise answer, but I just don't know. I will not drag this out forever just for the sake of it, but there are some things left to deal with, and like I've said before, I will never rush things in this story. That said, I want to thank you all for reading, reviewing, and sharing your own personal stories with me. Some of them make me smile, others break my heart, but I truly appreciate them all. Now, I hope you all will enjoy the chapter! :)**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

I glanced at Bella who was sitting next to me in the passenger seat, only to find her watching me with a soft smile on her face. Of course, the moment she realized I had caught her looking, her cheeks turned crimson. I couldn't help but chuckle - she was just so predictable. That, and adorable.

"Still not gonna tell me where you're taking me?" she asked now, in a not so subtle attempt of distracting me.

I shook my head in amusement. "That would make it less fun, so... no." She pouted, although the look on her face told me she wasn't really upset.

We were driving in silence for a couple of minutes, until Bella looked out the window, really taking in the surroundings, and I could see the exact moment realization hit her by the way her face lit up. "We're going to the meadow, aren't we?"

I let out a deep sigh of mock irritation. "You know, you could at least _pretend_ to be surprised by my creativity." She gave me an apologetic smile and pretended to zip her lips closed as I parked the car. I wasn't really annoyed with her, though - I was just teasing. I would have revealed our destination in an instant, had she genuinely insisted. But I knew she was merely playing along. She trusted me.

That's why I wanted tonight to be perfect. And as we made our way through the forest, I could feel my confidence grow. Bella looked truly happy, even though she kept stumbling over fallen tree branches and rocks, and I knew she wasn't just clasping my hand to keep her balance.

Just as we were about to step out into the clearing, I tugged gently on Bella's hand, causing her to come to a halt. She gave me a questioning look, and I took a deep breath. "Look, Bella, before we... I mean..." I rolled my eyes at my sudden inability to find the words. "Can we please agree not to talk about all this other crap when we're here? Just let it go for one night? Please?"

Her face softened immediately and she nodded, brushing her lips against mine. "Of course." I smiled in relief, feeling myself relax as I made a silent promise not to screw things up tonight. I would do anything in my power to make sure Bella would get to enjoy this date to the fullest.

I had picked her up at her house as usual, only this time I hadn't brought her any flowers. I had thought about it, but then decided against it. If I brought Bella flowers every time I took her out, it would be more of a gesture of habit, nothing special. And I didn't want that.

As for the reason why I had chosen the meadow for our date, I figured I owed Angela some credit. She was the one who had suggested I should take Bella someplace where we both would be comfortable, and I honestly couldn't think of any better place. I had always felt comfortable here, even more so after I started bringing Bella, and I knew she loved the place. It was perfect.

She smiled widely as I unfolded and spread a large blanket on the ground, telling her to make herself comfortable. As she obeyed, even going as far as to remove her shoes, I opened the huge picnic basket Alice and Esme had helped me prepare earlier today.

Bella's eyes bulged as she watched all the food. I couldn't blame her; the sight was enough to make my own mouth salivate. There was chicken, sandwiches, potato chips, cheese and crackers, fruit salad, cupcakes, celery sticks, and different kinds of sodas. I gave Bella a sheepish look. "I hope you're hungry."

"Are you kidding?" She beamed at me. "This is amazing, Edward. I love it."

"I'm glad." I picked up a cupcake with green frosting and offered it to her. "I can't take the credit for all this, though. Esme made these this morning."

Her eyes twinkled. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that you're supposed to have dinner before you dig into your dessert?" I brought the cupcake closer to her face, and it didn't take long for her to cave in. She closed her eyes and moaned as she took a small bite. "Oh my God, I think I'm in cupcake heaven!"

That moan... I felt my jeans becoming tighter, and somehow, it didn't bother me. Much. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. Then I glanced at Bella again, only to see her licking some of the frosting from her lips and fingers. My eyes seemed glued to her soft, pink tongue, and I felt myself growing even harder.

_Fuck!_

What was she doing to me? And why did I suddenly get images in my head of Bella using that tongue... on _me_?

_Double fuck!_

Was this normal? I hoped to God it was, because otherwise I'd be in a whole lot of trouble. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look away. "Um, Bella..." I started, unable to keep the pleading note out of my voice. She stopped with the cupcake halfway to her mouth, turning her curious eyes to me. And all I could think of was telling her to don't mind me and just keep licking. I mean, eating!

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

"Is something wrong?" There was concern in her voice now. "Edward, are you-"

I kissed her. It was either that or having a nervous breakdown, only this time, my past had nothing to do with it.

Or maybe it did. I figured that in a way, it would always come back to my past. Because if I hadn't been fucked up in the first place, I might have been able to handle the fact that Bella - just by eating a fucking cupcake - was seriously turning me on. As it was now, I felt like a fucking pervert.

"You're killing me, love," I gasped before once again catching Bella's lips with mine. "Bella, I don't know what's happening to me, I-"

"Shh, it's okay," she whispered, cutting me off in my ramblings by placing a finger softly over my mouth. "I enjoy being close to you too, baby. I love it when you're kissing me, touching me, and I'll always want more, as long as you're okay with it. There's nothing wrong with that. _You_ can't do anything wrong, because whatever you want, I want it too."

And just like that - like magic - her soft-spoken words stopped my heart from accelerating until it would burst out of my chest, and I felt myself relax. How did she do it? How the hell could she know exactly what I needed to hear?

"Come here," Bella murmured now, tugging on my arm until we were both lying down on the blanket, the food completely forgotten. For a couple of minutes, we just lay there in silence, cuddling. The sun was peeking out behind the clouds, and the air was just warm enough. The wind was still, and it made me feel like the entire meadow was holding its breath, waiting to see what would happen next.

Or maybe that was me.

Then Bella propped herself up on her elbow, looking intently into my eyes. "Do you trust me?" she asked in a husky whisper. I could only nod. It was the truth, though - I trusted her with my life. She bit her lip. "Close your eyes?" After only a brief moment of hesitation, I obeyed. "Try not to think so hard, baby," she mumbled, brushing her lips softly over mine. "Just feel."

Her hand slid beneath my t-shirt, and I inhaled sharply as her warm hand started running over my chest in slow, tender circles. It felt so fucking good. "Please, don't stop," I all but begged, reaching out for her blindly and pulling her as close to me as I possibly could.

"Never," she breathed, tucking her head into the crook of my neck as she kept caressing me.

Then her hand started wandering lower, until it reached the edge of my jeans, lingering just above the button.

I must have tensed up without even realizing it, because she suddenly pulled back with a gasp. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking! I shouldn't have done that." The regret and shame was evident in her voice.

My eyes snapped open and I grabbed her hand, suddenly afraid she would move away from me. "I'm fine," I tried to assure her. "You just surprised me."

Bella didn't look convinced. "I'm moving too fast," she berated herself, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "I just wanted to make you feel good, but I'll slow down, I promise. Edward, I'm really sorry..."

"Bella," I interrupted her, causing her to fall silent. Taking a deep breath, I then went on, "I know you would never hurt me, love. Don't feel bad. I'm okay, see? No freaking out. I mean it." I offered her a shaky smile, which she tentatively returned after a moment.

"I get it now," I continued, pulling her back into my arms. "This - what we're doing - it could never be bad, or wrong, or disgusting. I know that in here," I carefully placed her hand over my heart, "...but it might take a bit longer for me to really grasp it in here." I brought her hand up to my temple. "Just keep being patient with me, and I promise to tell you the moment I feel things are going too fast. Deal?"

Her bottom lip trembled once, but she managed a weak smile and a nod. "Deal," she whispered. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I kissed the top of her head. "Bella, will you let me make _you_ feel good?" Her eyes widened slightly at my request. "Please?" I added hopefully.

**Bella**

I gulped. As much as I wanted to cry out a 'hell, yes!', I forced myself to remain calm. Or, as calm as one could possibly get during the circumstances, which turned out to be pretty close to hyperventilating. Did Edward really just ask me what I thought he did, or had it only been in my head? Wishful thinking and all?

When I finally dared to look at him again, I could tell by the sudden hint of uncertainty and fear on his face that I hadn't just been imagining things. I was relieved beyond words for a second, until I realized with a sinking feeling that my hesitation clearly made him doubt my willingness to let him do whatever he wanted, and that he wished he had never brought it up.

_Fix it, Bella! Fix it now!_

I placed my hand gently on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "Yes," I whispered. He still looked skeptical, and I hated how his self-esteem was so low that a part of him, even after all this time, feared that I wouldn't really want him. It wasn't his fault, and I suspected the self-doubt would always be there on some level. But that didn't make it any easier to accept.

"You surprised _me_ this time," I told him sincerely, all the wile looking him straight in the eyes and stroking his face. "Edward, I know exactly what I want. I want you, and whatever you're willing to give me. I'm just scared I'll push you into something you're not really ready for."

I watched how some of the tension seemed to leave his body. "Bella," he shook his head, "I just told you - if that's the case, I'll let you know. I trust you. Now, I need you to trust me. Trust that I want this. That I know what I'm doing."

I nodded, hypnotized by his emerald eyes. "I trust you. I always will."

"Good." He smiled sweetly, leaning in to kiss me tenderly, and I failed to hold back a moan as I eagerly returned the kiss. When he finally pulled back, I wanted to protest, but it didn't take long for me to realize he had other plans. "This okay?" he murmured as he let his hand move slowly up and down my thigh. I nodded eagerly, closing my eyes.

Then he stopped, and I nearly wept in disappointment. I gave him a worried look, hoping I wouldn't sound as desperate as I felt. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just..." He hesitated a little, and I could tell he was embarrassed by the way he refused to meet my eyes. "When I said I know what I'm doing? That was a lie. I don't have a fucking clue."

A giggle threatened to bubble up inside me, but somehow, I thankfully managed to hold it in. Laughing right now would be highly inappropriate, besides, it wasn't even funny. The truth was, I was just happy. "What do you feel like doing?" I asked softly, running my fingers through his hair the way I had come to realize he loved.

Edward closed his eyes and let out a humming sound. "Touching you," he then responded, quietly.

"Then touch me," I breathed, thinking he would never hear me complaining. The fact that we were outside didn't bother me one bit, if anything, it just made it all more romantic. The risk of someone coming here and disturb us was slim to none - for one thing, no one knew we were here, and I was pretty sure Edward and I were the only two people who knew of this place.

The sun was shining, and everything was just perfect.

"Show me where," Edward mumbled huskily into my ear, and I noted that he no longer sounded as awkward as he had before. Suddenly he seemed eager. Excited. Like maybe he still wasn't sure of what to do, but now when he had admitted it, he wanted me to know that he was willing to learn.

And I was more than willing to teach him. The only problem was, I wasn't exactly an expert on these things myself. However, I refused to let that little fact put a damper on my mood. So I took his hand, resolutely placing it on my right breast. "Here," I whispered, glancing at Edward to see his reaction. "You can touch me right here."

I studied his face, looking for any sign of discomfort. Maybe I should have been embarrassed by my bold move, but for some reason, I couldn't find it in me to care. Because I wanted this, more than anything. I wanted Edward to feel comfortable touching my body, which meant it wouldn't do to let my normal shyness shine through.

His hand had frozen for a brief moment, but once the initial shock had worn off - at least that was what I presumed - he started moving his palm over my breast in slow, gentle circles. At first he added almost no pressure to his touch, practically letting his hand hover in the air, but after a few minutes had passed, he clearly became braver.

Edward's face was a mixture of deep concentration and fascination, which made me feel like both smiling and crying at the same time. In that moment, it was so painfully obvious that deep down, underneath the walls he had long since built around himself to keep from getting hurt again, he was really just a normal, curious teenage boy.

And it was so sad that he didn't even realize it.

Our eyes met, and I felt like I could see directly into his mind - he was wondering if he was doing it right. As if he could ever do something wrong in the first place. I let out a soft moaning sound of approval, not trusting my voice to hold if I tried to speak. He seemed to get the picture, though, seeing how an almost shy smile appeared on his face.

"Can I...?" He swallowed visibly. "Can I go inside?" At first I didn't understand what he meant - I figured my brain must have stopped functioning for a moment - but then I noticed how his hand tentatively moved towards the edge of my shirt, although he was clearly waiting for my permission.

I nearly pulled the shirt over my head, eager to remove at least one of the annoying barriers between us, but something made me decide against it. Making out and fondling - along with some not completely innocent groping - on a blanket outside in the middle of the afternoon was one thing. But I didn't think either of us would be ready to get half naked at this point.

Maybe if we were in a bed. I made a mental note to suggest another sleep-over, real soon.

So I just nodded in response, feeling a shiver of pleasure as Edward's hand slid under my shirt. His fingers were trembling slightly as they moved across my skin, carefully exploring my upper body in a way he hadn't done before. The last time, when he had seen me in my sports bra, it had been more about comfort. Now, I could see the lust in his eyes.

Then he kissed me, his tongue finding its way into my mouth with determination, eagerly searching for mine. There was something new and confident about the way he was kissing me, like he knew exactly what he wanted and was not afraid of showing it, taking it. I absolutely adored this new side of him.

God, how I wanted him. I wanted more. I felt like I could never get enough of him.

I had mostly been lying still up until now, allowing him free hands to touch and explore, but now I had reached the point where I could no longer keep my hands off him. So I slid my arms around his neck, pulling him gently but firmly as close to me as he could possibly get without ending up on top of me.

Not that I would have a problem with that...

Edward nuzzled his nose into my hair, letting out a content sigh. For a couple of minutes, we just lay there, hugging and cuddling. His hand was still under my shirt, and now he slid the other one in as well, softly caressing my back. I smiled in pure bliss.

Then he raised a brow, a mischievous look on his face. "Was that enough to work up your appetite, or can I kiss you again?" I blinked, having completely forgotten all about the food. Chicken. Fruit. Esme's delicious, mouth-watering cupcakes. Now I realized I was starving. Funny how I didn't care.

I gave him a sweet smile. "Just kiss me."


	97. Chapter 97

**A/N****: Thank you so very much for all your lovely comments!**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

Almost a week had passed since I took Bella to the meadow for our date, the pleasant memories still fresh in my mind, and things were mostly going well. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt lighter somehow, like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. Or maybe it was just the relief of no longer constantly having to struggle with the disturbing and exhausting feeling that the whole fucking world was against me.

There were days - which seemed to come more and more frequently - when I barely thought about my past at all, and I almost felt like a normal person. And then - naturally - there were other times when my demons would catch up with me, and everything fucking sucked. According to Angela, it was to be expected on the road towards recovery, but that didn't mean I had to like it.

Bella was there for me through it all, ups and downs, just like she had promised, and she never ceased to amaze me. I could be a total ass to her - never intentional, but still - and she would just give me a patient look indicating that she wasn't pleased with my behavior, and wait for me to come to my senses. I always did.

Then I would apologize profusely, although trying not to beat myself up too much, because I knew Bella didn't like that. She hated when I was too hard on myself - of course, those were her words and not mine, since as always during the aftermath of my stupidity, I was convinced I deserved to be called every bad name in the book. I never wanted to hurt my girl.

One thing I had learned over the time was to never keep anything from her. That wasn't much of a problem these days, though, seeing how I had grown fully comfortable talking to Bella about whatever might be bothering me. The look of pure happiness and pride on her face whenever I opened up to her about something was the greatest reward I could get.

Bella and I were snuggling comfortably on the living room couch, sharing a frozen pizza while watching some TV show I couldn't remember the name of, when Carlisle entered the room. He smiled when I looked up, although I could tell by the look on his face that something was up.

I gave him a suspicious look. "What's wrong?" Bella immediately turned her attention away from the TV, her face a mixture of confusion and concern.

"Nothing's wrong," Carlisle assured me, but his eyes told me otherwise. Or maybe I just thought so because I was a skeptic by nature. He cleared his throat. "However, I would like to speak with you when you have a moment - there's something we need to discuss. But it's not urgent. Just let me know when it's a good time for you."

I opened my mouth, but Bella beat me to it, reaching for the remote and turning the sound of the TV off. "I'll just go find Alice, I haven't seen her all day. Then you two can talk."

As much as I appreciated the gesture, it was unnecessary. I put my hand on her arm to keep her from getting up, shaking my head. "No, you can stay. Really, there's nothing he can't say in front of you." I turned to Carlisle. "It's about _her_, isn't it?" I knew he would understand who I meant by 'her', there was no need for me to say the name.

Carlisle looked torn for a moment, his eyes darting between me and Bella. Then he seemed to make up his mind about something, and nodded. "Yes. Are you sure you want us to do this now? Like I said, it can wait. I'd hate to interrupt if the two of you are in the middle of something." He gestured towards the TV.

"It's fine. Just get it over with." I struggled to keep my voice steady, reminding myself that I was the one who had asked for this in the first place. Bella reached for my hand, as if sensing my sudden uneasiness, and I gratefully accepted the comfort of her touch. As always, she seemed to know just what I needed without me having to say anything out loud.

If Carlisle had been hesitant at first to Bella's presence during our conversation, I could tell by the way his expression softened that he wouldn't object. It didn't come as a total surprise to me - he had explained over and over again that he first and foremost had my best interest in mind and wanted me to be as comfortable as possible, but it was still nice to get his acceptance of Bella confirmed.

He made his way over to the couch and sat down. "Well, first I have some good news. I spoke to a woman from Social Services named Carmen - apparently, she has been assigned to replace Victoria. Now, I wouldn't worry about it. She is fully aware of your upcoming birthday in two weeks, and while she's bound by law to arrange a personal visit before then, she assured me it will basically just be a formality. As far as she's concerned, your case is closed."

I blinked in surprise, because I had not seen that coming. "Are you saying they actually took Mrs. Masen off the case?" While Carlisle had assured me that I would never have to see the bitch again, I realized that up until this moment, I hadn't actually dared to believe he was right. But if he was, it was definitely good news.

"They would have," he told me now. "But it turned out she quit on her own account."

"What a coward!" Bella exploded next to me, causing both me and Carlisle to jump at her sudden outburst. "She must have known she was out of line, but instead of taking responsibility for her sick actions, she just conveniently decided to quit? Stupid bitch! I can't..." She stopped herself when she realized we were staring at her, and her cheeks turned slightly red. "Sorry," she mumbled, clearly embarrassed by her rant.

I couldn't help but chuckle. My Bella was feisty, that's for sure. Carlisle cleared his throat. "It's all right, Bella, I understand how you feel. I have to admit, that was my first reaction as well."

She bit her lip. "And what was your second reaction?"

He let out a dry laugh. "Pretty much the same as the first. As well as the third, and... Well, you get the picture." Bella smiled a little and visibly relaxed. "Anyway," he continued, "Carmen made a good impression on me. She seemed like a kind and sympathetic person." I just shrugged, thinking she couldn't possibly be any worse than Victoria.

"So," Carlisle went on after a moment's hesitation, "That leaves us with the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Namely your wish to meet with your... with Elizabeth."

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I felt Bella squeeze my hand. Closing my eyes for a second, I nodded for him to go on.

"Remember, son, you don't have to go through with this. You can back out at any time." He looked me straight in the eyes, and his concern wasn't lost on me. When I just looked at him expectantly, he sighed. "Very well. I haven't spoken to Elizabeth directly, but I have been in contact with her spokesperson. Apparently, Elizabeth was reluctant to such an arrangement, but-"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I cut him off, feeling anger and - strangely enough - rejection welling up inside me. I jumped up from the couch, ignoring how Bella reached helplessly for me. "She doesn't want to see me? Well, too bad for her. She fucking owes me this!"

"I agree." Carlisle slowly got up as well, holding up his hands in a calming gesture. "Edward, I wasn't finished. Are you willing to hear me out?" I took a couple of deep breaths. Then I nodded. He was quiet for a moment, watching me warily, and then he nodded as well. "As I said, she was reluctant at first, but then she agreed. We have yet to set a date, though, because I wanted you to be a part of that decision."

Swallowing hard, I nodded in understanding. Hesitating a little, I then slumped back down on the couch. Bella immediately scooted over to me, placing her hand soothingly on my knee. I mouthed a 'sorry', but she just waved me off. Having watched our interaction in silence, Carlisle then sat down as well. I turned my attention back to him.

Almost a minute passed before he spoke up again, "It's all up to you, son. Of course, if you're still set on Bella accompanying us, I'll have to discuss the matter with her father as well." He looked at Bella. "I'm sure you understand, dear."

She nodded. "Yes, of course. Although I know Charlie will be okay with me going."

Carlisle gave her a soft smile and then turned back to me. "Well, Edward, I'll give you some time to think about it. Let me know when you have decided on a date, and I'll make all the arrangements for our staying in Chicago."

I opened my mouth to respond, although when his words registered, I froze dead in my tracks. "Wait, what? What do you mean, Chicago? I'm not going back there!"

"But... I don't..." Carlisle stuttered, clearly taken aback. "I'm sorry, Edward, but I don't understand. What else did you have in mind? If you don't want to go to Chicago, then where did you plan on meeting her? I mean, it's not like she could just come to our house."

"Why not?" I demanded, barely recognizing my own voice. Suddenly the room had become very cold, and I wrapped my arms around my body. The truth was, the thought of having to go back to Chicago had never even crossed my mind, and now I realized I had been both stupid and naive. Still, I wasn't ready to admit it.

"Because..." Carlisle paused, as if searching his mind for the right words. He waited until he was certain he had my full attention before he went on, "For one thing, it would be highly inappropriate to ask Elizabeth to come here, and not only because of the restraining order. Any meeting like this one should always be held on neutral ground."

I shook my head, stubbornly refusing to give in. "Maybe I don't want that. Fuck the restraining order. She'll have no control over me here." Tears were burning in my eyes, but I furiously blinked them away.

"Edward, she'll have no control over you _anywhere_," Carlisle corrected me in a firm voice. "You're not going to be alone with her. We'll be with you the whole time, and the minute you decide it's enough, we'll be leaving, period."

"He's right, you know," Bella stated next to me, and I was ashamed to admit I had almost forgotten she was there. "Don't you see? She can't come here - it wouldn't be safe. Then she would know where you live." She shuddered at the thought.

But I didn't understand her reasoning. "So what? She couldn't care less, because she doesn't give a fuck about me, Bella. I mean nothing to her. Never did. The whole restraining order crap has been fucking pointless, because she would never bother to look for me in the first place!" She opened her mouth, then closed it again and silently held out her hand, which I grabbed like a lifeline.

"Son..." Carlisle started, but I didn't give him a chance to finish.

"Well, it's true, isn't it?" I glared at him, although I wasn't really sure where my sudden anger was coming from. "Let's be honest - what's the worst that could happen? Think she'll go and tell _him_ where to find me? He's a fucking vegetable!" I was shaking now, and the walls seemed to be closing in on me, but I refused to give in to the panic.

Instead I struggled to focus on the sensation of Bella's small hand in mine. It seemed to be working. As if realizing what I was doing, Bella reached out to take both my hands in hers. "It's okay, baby," she whispered, running her thumbs soothingly over my knuckles. "Just calm down."

"I'm fine," I mumbled, taking a deep breath. The blind fury I had felt just a moment ago vanished as quickly as it had appeared, and while a part of me was relieved, it was so beyond frustrating not being able to control my own emotions. It shouldn't be so fucking difficult. Hell, everyone else was doing it. I turned to Carlisle, giving him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. But I really don't want to go back there."

"I understand." He was quiet for a moment. "We'll think of something. Maybe..."

"What about Port Angeles?" Bella piped up, glancing at me before turning her questioning eyes to Carlisle. "That has to be far enough from here to be considered neutral ground, right? If we talked to Angela and explained the situation, I'm sure she wouldn't mind us using her office. It would be private, and maybe she could even be there as some kind of..." she hesitated, not finding the right word.

But Carlisle seemed to understand what she meant. "A mediator," he nodded, a thoughtful look on his face. "It's not a bad idea." He looked at me. "What do you think?"

I shrugged, thinking quickly. It did seem like an acceptable compromise, at least a hell of a lot better than going to Chicago. In all honesty, the thought of inviting my so called mother into our home made me feel nauseous. It was just that I felt safer here than other place I could think of. But I figured Angela's office would be okay. "That would be all right, I guess," I finally agreed.

Surely I could do this. Right?

About an hour later, Bella and I were up in my room. She couldn't stay too long, seeing how it was a school night, but I wasn't going to complain. As long as I got some time alone with her, I was happy. We were currently sitting on the floor, arguing playfully about music, but I could tell her heart wasn't really into the discussion.

However, before I got the chance to ask her what was on her mind, she spoke up softly, "Edward, are you absolutely sure about this?" Seeing my blank expression, she clarified, "About seeing your mother, I mean. Don't get me wrong - I promised I'd be there for you and I meant it. I'm just so afraid you will end up hurt."

I sighed. "Honestly? It's not something I'm looking forward to, that's for sure. I don't really wanna see her, but I need answers, and she's the only one who's got them. The way I see it, I don't have much of a choice."

She shook her head. "Baby, you always have a choice. If you don't..." her voice trailed off as I held up my hand to stop her.

"You're right - I do have a choice. I could just forget about this and keep fooling myself into thinking it will all just magically disappear someday. But it won't work, Bella. I realize that now. I'll just end up going insane. It hurts, you know? Even though I feel okay most of the time these days, it's all still there. The pain. I need to understand why she did it. Otherwise I fear it'll never go away. I just want a normal life," I paused, lowering my eyes, "...with you," I finished.

When I finally looked up, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. "Well, that's good enough for me," she told me quietly, leaning in to rest her head on my shoulder. "I won't ask you that again."

I let out a shaky breath, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. "You can ask me something else if you want. I know you must still have a lot of questions."

"I guess." She let out a soft laugh. "But right now, I can't think of a thing."

I chuckled. "That's all right." She sighed contentedly, happily snuggling into my embrace. After a brief moment of silence, I asked, "Bella?" She made a humming sound, and I saw that her eyes were closed. "Look, there's something..." I hesitated, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed. "I've been thinking..."

"About what?" She felt so fucking good in my arms - I never wanted to let her go.

I took a deep breath. "Actually, it's about..." _Just spit it out!_ I exhaled, "...sex."

Bella froze for a moment and then her eyes snapped open, revealing a faint hint of hope. "Oh, okay..." She swallowed. "And...?"

The truth was, I had been thinking about sex a lot lately, especially after my talk with Emmett a few weeks ago. And the more I thought, the more curious I got. I didn't think I was ready yet, but I started to feel like maybe one of these days, I would be. At least the thought didn't fill me with dread and panic anymore. If anything, the idea of sharing something so intimate with Bella made me... excited.

How about that?

I tightened my arms around Bella, burying my face in her hair so she wouldn't see the way my cheeks flushed. It was cute when Bella blushed, but me? Not so much. I just felt like an idiot. A few more deep breaths. And then... "I think... I want us to try."

Bella had gone completely still in my arms, and I got the irrational feeling she had actually forgotten how to breathe.

I raised my head worriedly, forgetting all about my embarrassment. "Bella?" She just stared at me, her mouth hanging slightly open.

And then she smiled.


	98. Chapter 98

**A/N****:****Almost 100 chapters... Wow! I never thought when I first started posting this that it would be this long. And I never even dreamed my story would get such wonderful response. To each and every one of you who have taken the time to read and review, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

"How are you, Bella?" Angela leaned back in the chair. "You look like you have a lot on your mind."

I shrugged, giving her a small smile. "I guess you're right."

"Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Sure." I hesitated a little, not sure where to start. "Things are going pretty well right now, actually. Edward's doing really good. He seems much happier these days."

She nodded in understanding. "Which makes you happier as well, I take it?"

"Of course." I felt my smile grow wider. "Even if he has his moments, he's so much more open about it. I mean, he still gets angry and yells from time to time, but he's not pushing me away anymore. That's all that matters. He's talking to me. Telling me things without me having to ask. You have no idea how good that feels."

"I can imagine." She smiled. "That's what we all want from our partners - for them to feel comfortable opening up to us. It hasn't been easy for Edward to get to that point, but he has come a long way." Something in her voice changed as she went on, "As for his temper tantrums, you have to understand it's normal. He still has a lot of pent up anger inside, and it's bound to come out one way or another."

I nodded. "I get that. Besides, I'm used to it by now. I can handle it."

Angela was quiet for a moment. "I'm sure you can. But it's important that you're being honest about it. If his episodes and outbursts frighten you, you should tell him so. You're not doing him any favors by protecting him from how you really feel."

I bit my lip. "I understand. I do. But the truth is, I've never really been afraid of Edward. Just afraid _for_ him. Does that make any sense?"

"Absolutely." There was sympathy in her eyes. "You're a very strong person, Bella. Not many girls your age would be able to stick around like you have. Edward is lucky to have you."

"I'm the lucky one," I protested. "And of course I'm sticking around. What else could I do? I love him. I'm so in love with Edward that it actually hurts sometimes. Have you ever felt that way?"

"Actually, yes." She let out a soft chuckle. "My husband, Ben, and I have been married for almost five years, and I still get the tingles every time I see him."

I blushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"You didn't," she assured me. "I ask you a lot of personal questions - I don't blame you for wanting to know a bit more about me." When I managed a smile of relief, she continued, "Now, if you don't mind, I would like to go back to what you said about being afraid for Edward. You don't like seeing him hurt, which is perfectly understandable. How do you feel about his decision to confront his birth mother?"

My eyes widened - I had not expected her to come straight out and ask me that, at least not now. It was, however, something that had been on my mind constantly over the last couple of days.

Now I sighed. "I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I'm worried, I guess." She nodded, waiting for me to go on. I shrugged. "We've talked about it, and he's made it clear that this is something he needs to do. He knows I'm concerned, but that he has my full support. I don't think there's much more I can do."

She watched me thoughtfully. "What is it about all of this that worries you the most?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Well, it's not like I think she will hurt him physically. As far as I know, she never did. But..." I threw my arms up in frustration. "I don't even know this Elizabeth person, but I'm so mad at her. How could she let something so horrible happen to her own child? She's a heartless bitch, and I'm scared that she won't give Edward the answers he's looking for."

Angela opened her mouth, but I was too wound up at this point to stop and listen to her. "What if it will all be for nothing? Or worse - what if seeing his mother will set Edward back in the progress he's been making? I'm so afraid he's making a mistake."

"I understand your fear," Angela said when I finally paused for air. "Tell me something, Bella. Why do _you_ think Edward is so set on going through with this?"

"Well..." I contemplated her question. "He says he needs to understand why she did what she did, or he won't be able to really move on. It's not that I don't agree with him, because I _do_ believe he's right. I'm just afraid he doesn't realize how hard this is going to be for him."

"Hm." She tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "And what about you, Bella? It will most likely be very hard for you as well. Does it bother you that Edward doesn't seem to take your feelings about this under consideration? Do you feel neglected?"

"What?" I frowned at her. "No, of course not. That's ridiculous."

"Is it?" I opened my mouth, but she went on, "I didn't mean to imply anything - I merely asked you a question. Just think about it. Your feelings are important, Bella. Sure, in the end, it will be Edward's decision. But you are there for the journey as well." A pause. "Be honest with yourself now. If Edward asked you to make the decision for him, whether or not to see his mother, what would you say?"

I shook my head, fiercely. "I could never make such a decision for him. That would be wrong."

"And I'm not suggesting you should." There was a firm note in her voice. "But let's pretend, just for the sake of it. Look into your heart, and tell me how you feel. What would you tell him?"

"I..." I sighed, wringing my hands in my lap. "I would tell him to go through with it."

Angela nodded in acceptance. "Okay. Why?"

"Because..." I raised my head and looked her in the eyes. "I like to think it will all be worth it in the end, if it means he'll finally get some peace of mind."

She made a humming sound. "But yet you worry. It's only natural to feel that way. I don't mean to scare you, but chances are you could be right about this confrontation causing a temporary set-back in Edward's progress. Should it come to that, you need to remember what you just told me - that it will be worth it in the end. Don't lose faith. You will both get through this."

I felt my eyes tear up at her words, but managed a weak smile. "You sound like you mean it." I paused. "I'm glad we're going to do this here, in your office."

"And I will do whatever I can to help," Angela promised. I knew Carlisle had discussed the situation with her a few days ago, and she had made it clear that she was willing to assist in any way she could. There were still some arrangements to be made, but if everything went according to the plans, this meeting would take place a little more than three weeks from now.

Angela asked me some more questions, and then we talked a little about school. She was very easy to talk to, and it hit me again how lucky we were to have found a therapist who was both competent and sympathetic. I knew Edward was starting to feel comfortable around her as well, and he definitely didn't warm up to just anyone.

I briefly considered bringing up the subject of sex, but for some reason, I was too embarrassed. Maybe the next time.

When Angela announced that it was time to wrap things up and bring Edward in, I was a bit surprised, because the time seemed to have just flown by since I'd entered the office. This was the first time in two weeks that Edward and I would have one of our joint sessions, and not just each speaking to Angela separately.

"So, Edward," Angela started when we were both sitting on the couch a moment later, our hands clasped together. "Would you like to tell Bella a little about what we discussed before?"

He glanced at me, the corner of his mouth curling upwards as our eyes met. "The first time I was here, Angela asked me to give her five weeks before deciding whether or not to keep doing this. The whole therapy thing, I mean. It's been five weeks today."

I blinked in surprise, because I didn't know about that. Casting a nervous look at Angela, I then turned back to him. "And what have you decided?" I asked, noticing how my voice suddenly trembled. Not that I really expected him to stop coming here, but still, you just never knew.

Edward must have sensed my sudden uncertainty, because he rolled his eyes and squeezed my hand. "Bella, relax. I'm not dropping out if that's what you're worrying about. I'm not that stupid." I let out the breath I had been holding, smiling in relief, although I felt a bit bad for doubting him, even for a second.

Angela looked pleased, although I figured this was no news to her. "I just told Bella how far you have come since we first started these sessions, and it's true. You should be very proud of yourself." He shrugged, clearly a bit uncomfortable by the praise. She went on, turning to me, "Bella, would you like to tell Edward anything about our session just now?"

"Um, okay." I thought for a second. "Angela asked me how I feel about your decision to see Elizabeth."

"Oh." Edward looked a little taken aback. Then he looked at Angela. "I already know how she feels about that."

She calmly met his eyes. "Tell me."

He sighed. "She doesn't like it. She thinks I'll end up hurt." I opened my mouth, but Angela held up a hand to stop me, nodding for him to go on. Edward glanced at me again. "But she'll support me," he finished, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb.

"And can you understand Bella's concern?" Angela asked softly, adding, "Are _you_ afraid of getting hurt?"

Edward lowered his eyes with a shrug. "I do understand," he mumbled. "And I know it's going to hurt a fucking lot. My... _she_ can't change what happened, and nothing she'll say will make it okay. And..." he stopped, hesitating.

"And...?" Angela encouraged, gently.

He reluctantly raised his head, and I could see the raw pain in his eyes. "I'm afraid she'll just tell me I deserved it." I was unable to hold back a gasp, because he hadn't mentioned this to me before, and hearing him admitting his fear now was like a knife in the heart.

But somehow, I managed to remain silent as Angela spoke up, "Should she say something like that to you, it merely proves that she still hasn't gotten proper treatment for her condition. Your fear is understandable, but you need to remember that Elizabeth was - and may still be - sick. It was never your fault, Edward, and should anyone ever tell you otherwise, they would be wrong."

He just nodded in response to Angela's statement. I remembered telling Edward something similar once, and it felt good to hear the same thing coming from a professional.

Now Angela changed the subject, still directed to Edward. "Last week, I asked you to consider a certain suggestion I made. Do you remember?" I watched how he seemed to tense up for a moment. Then he nodded. "Have you discussed it with Bella?"

He threw a look at me. "I mentioned it." It took a few seconds before realization hit me, and I nodded in agreement, recalling Edward telling me briefly about Angela's wish for him to meet this friend of hers.

Angela gave me a brief smile, turning back to Edward as she continued, "May I ask if you have reached a decision?" I turned my curious eyes to Edward, waiting for his response.

Edward looked torn for a moment. "You said I wouldn't have to talk to him. That I just had to listen. And Bella could be here as well?" Angela nodded. He glanced at me. "Would you?"

"You don't even have to ask," I told him sincerely.

He held my gaze for a couple of seconds, then nodded in acceptance. "All right. I'll do it." Then he frowned, as if he was actually surprised by his answer. I held back a smile. Angela was right - he really had come a long way, even though he didn't seem to realize it himself. It was amazing.

"Are you two free tomorrow, say around five?" Angela asked carefully. "I understand if you need some more time to get used to the idea, and we can always wait until next week if you want. But he will be here anyway. It's your call."

Edward cast a slightly panicked look in my direction, and I could only shrug helplessly. I really didn't have any say in this. He let out a sigh. "Whatever. Tomorrow's cool."

"Okay." Angela paused for a moment. "I don't think you will regret this, Edward. He is a very kind and open young man, and I have a feeling you two will get along just fine. Besides..." she turned to me, "I believe it will be good for you to hear what he has to say as well, Bella. Are you okay with coming back here tomorrow?"

I nodded. "Yeah, sure. That's fine by me." And it was settled.

That night, I invited Alice over, officially to study, although our books stayed mostly unopened. We were both more in a mood for some girl talk. Of course, it didn't take long before Edward's name came up, Alice being - as always - excitement personified. If I didn't know just how crazy she was about Jasper, I would almost think she was more engrossed in her brother's relationship than in her own.

"You know, Edward's birthday's coming up," she now reminded me with a wink. "Have you decided yet what to get him?"

I suppressed a sigh, because this was something that had been a thorn in my side for a while now. The answer was no, I hadn't decided, and I felt like I wasn't getting any closer to a revelation. I had always found it difficult to come up with ideas for birthday presents, and this time I couldn't get away with a stupid tie, or some flowers, because this was Edward, who just happened to be the love of my life.

It had to be something special, something meaningful. Right now, I was at a total loss. And the fact that Edward seemed completely indifferent to the whole thing didn't exactly help. As I was starting to become desperate, I gave Alice a hopeful look. "Honestly, I have no idea. Any suggestions?"

"Hmm..." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'm not sure. There has to be a thought behind it, though. You want to give him something that shows him how much he means to you."

I nodded impatiently, because I had already come to that conclusion myself. "Well, it has to be something good. I feel like I'm running out of time here, Alice." I paused. "I was thinking, maybe instead of buying something, I could just... do something."

She gave me a skeptical look. "You mean like make something yourself?"

"No." I sighed in frustration. "Or maybe. I don't know. I see it all in my head, you know, how I'm coming up with this perfect, grand gesture that just screams 'Edward, I love you'." I grimaced. "I just haven't figured out what it would be."

"Spell it out in skywriting?" Alice suggested, giggling when she saw the unimpressed look on my face. "Just kidding. That would be a little too extreme, even for me." Despite her words, she got something distant in her eyes, and I got the feeling Jasper might be in for a big surprise on his next birthday.

I shook my head in amusement. "Serious suggestions only, please."

"Well, your idea sounds really good. In theory." Alice gave me an apologetic look. "Listen, I don't mean to be a downer and point out the flaws in your plan, but..." She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Don't you already tell Edward how much you love him all the time?"

I pouted. "You're not helping, you know." She just shrugged and smiled. "Hey, how did your family celebrate Edward's birthday last year?" I asked after a moment, realizing I didn't know anything about his previous birthdays. His obvious lack of interest in this one told me he didn't like to make a big deal about it. I could relate to that.

The way Alice's smile faded a little confirmed my suspicions. "To be honest, there wasn't much of a celebration," she admitted. "Esme has always gone over the top and baked a huge birthday cake and cooked an amazing dinner, but Edward..." She glanced at me, "I mean, it's not like he's ever acted ungrateful, but he's never really been comfortable taking part in any kind of family gatherings. You know?"

I nodded, because I did know. Or at least I could imagine. "Maybe this year will be different," I offered in a hopeful voice.

"Oh, I know it will be," she assured me, the confident smile back on her face. "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about." She winked, and I could only hope she was right. Then her expression turned serious. "Bella, don't fret so much about finding the perfect gift. Whatever you give him, he will love it, just because it's from you. You're the best thing that ever happened to him."

My cheeks flushed. "Thanks, Alice." I smiled sadly to myself. Too bad I couldn't just give Edward myself, all over again.

Or... maybe I could.


	99. Chapter 99

**A/N****: I'm so sorry for the delay, I know I've never let it go this long between updates. Those of you who have been visiting the forum on Twi know that I haven't been feeling well lately, and I simply haven't had the energy to write. I can't promise that I can go back to updating as often as I have before, but I do promise to keep the chapters coming as quickly as I can until the story is finished. Thank you all so much for your reviews, emails, and support!**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

It was with mixed emotions that I returned to Angela's office the next day, Bella in tow. Carlisle had once warned me that facing my past would be like opening Pandora's box, and I was starting to see it. I agreed to things these days that I never would've even considered before, and while I realized it was necessary, it also scared the shit out of me.

Angela kept going on about how I should be proud of myself, but I just couldn't see it that way. I wasn't acting out of bravery, I had just hit the point where I could see there were no other options. I did it because I had to, or I would end up insane, lost forever. Simple as that.

Of course, when Bella gave me a soft smile of understanding and squeezed my hand, it was surprisingly easy to forget - or at the very least, ignore - how torn up inside I really was. I took a deep breath, and prayed that my voice wouldn't crack. "Let's do this." I nodded towards the door, leading into the office.

"It'll be okay," she assured me, and I wished I could believe her. I didn't know what to expect once I stepped through that door, and I always dreaded the unknown. Anything could happen.

I pushed the door open, only to freeze in the doorway. The truth was, it wasn't even the thought of meeting this stranger that bothered me so much. Things were just going so fast, spiraling out of control, or at least that's how it felt. I barely felt Bella's arm slip around my waist - in that moment, it took just about every ounce of strength I possessed not to turn around and bolt.

If I did, I just knew I wouldn't come back.

"Edward. Bella. Please, come in." Angela was sitting behind her desk. I could hear the faint sound of piano playing in the background, just like the day I was here for my first session, only this time, it did nothing to calm my nerves. She rose from the chair when she saw my hesitation to enter, and that's when I realized she was alone in the room.

Briefly closing my eyes, I then stepped inside. I thought I could hear Bella letting out a sigh of relief next to me, but I wasn't sure.

"I'm glad you could make it," Angela said once we were all seated, and for a moment I wondered if she was surprised I hadn't panicked and canceled. However, something in her voice told me otherwise - she knew I would be here. She obviously had more faith in me than I had. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered. As always when I felt nervous and uncertain, I automatically became defensive. I could feel Bella's eyes on me, but I ignored her, knowing that if I looked at her, I would see either sympathy or disapproval, and I didn't know what would be worse.

It was all so fucking confusing, and I wished I had a way of putting my mixed up emotions into words, explain exactly how I felt in that moment. I didn't want Bella to worry and be concerned about me, but at the same time, I was beyond grateful that she cared. Especially since I didn't deserve it. Or did I? I felt like my head was spinning.

"Edward, would you tell us what you're thinking right now?" Angela asked softly, and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. Of course she would see right through me.

I just shrugged, avoiding her eyes. When she remained silent, I realized she was waiting for a verbal response. This time, I did roll my eyes. "I don't know."

Angela clearly wasn't about to just let the matter drop, not that I had expected her to. "You don't know what you're thinking, or you don't know if you want to tell us?"

I stubbornly kept my eyes away. "Both," I finally admitted. I knew she waited for me to elaborate, but I didn't know how. I sighed in defeat. "I don't know what the fuck you want me to say."

"Forget what you think I want, and just look into yourself," Angela insisted calmly. "What's the first thought that comes to your mind?" I just shook my head.

Bella spoke up, carefully, "Can I say something?"

"Of course." Angela gave her an encouraging nod. In that moment, I was just happy for the distraction. I needed a few seconds to gather my thoughts, because there was no doubt in my mind that Angela's attention would sooner or later return to me.

"Well, I know I'm here today mainly to support Edward." Bella glanced in my direction, and I found myself raising my head and meeting her eyes. She went on, somewhat tentatively, "But I'm kind of nervous. And I feel a bit bad about it, because this shouldn't be about me."

Angela nodded in understanding. "I can see what you mean. But Bella, remember when we talked about how your feelings are important? You are fully entitled to be nervous, or worried, or even scared." Bella bit her lip, then nodded, although she didn't look convinced.

"Why are you nervous?" The words were out of my mouth before I realized I had spoken.

Bella shifted a little on the couch. "I'm not sure, exactly. I just am. I know that doesn't make much sense, but..." she shrugged, obviously unsure of how to explain. I knew exactly how she felt.

"Sometimes the mind works in mysterious ways." Angela looked between me and Bella. "You both have a hard time putting words to your feelings about being here today. It makes you uncomfortable. That's understandable, but admitting your fear is the first step towards understanding it. And once you understand, it usually turns out to be a lot less frightening than it seemed to be in the beginning."

Maybe she was right. For some reason, I suddenly felt a bit better.

"So," Angela went on after a short moment of silence, clapping her hands together. "Are you two ready to meet Sam?"

I frowned as it hit me that up until now, I hadn't even known the name of this person we were here to meet. Casting a quick look at Bella, I then nodded. Angela got up and made her way over to her desk, pushed a button and spoke into the intercom, "Send him in, please."

When I realized how hard I was squeezing Bella's hand, I inhaled deeply and tried to relax, for Bella's sake if not for my own. But if I had caused her any pain, she didn't show any sign of discomfort. I was hit by the horrifying thought that I could have accidentally broken the fragile bones inside her hand, and it wouldn't even occur to her to complain.

I abruptly pulled away from her, forcing myself to ignore the look of hurt and confusion on Bella's face. Instead I placed my trembling hand on her knee, which thankfully seemed to placate her. I didn't have any time to think about it further, because in that moment, the door opened, revealing a man standing in the doorway.

Angela gestured for him to enter. "Come on in, Sam. I'd like you to meet Edward and Bella." As the man - Sam - obeyed, quietly stepping into the room, I took in his appearance. He was tall and muscular with dark, almost black, cropped hair, and copper skin. I figured he must be in his late twenties.

He stopped at the far side of the room, making no attempts of approaching us, although he kept his eyes calmly on me and Bella. Then he nodded in greeting and finally spoke up in a deep voice, "Hello, Edward. Bella. I'm Sam Uley. It's nice to meet you."

Bella mouthed a 'hi' and offered him a small smile, while I remained silent. I wasn't deliberately trying to be rude, but friend of Angela's or not, this man was still a stranger. And even though he had yet to give out any bad or threatening vibes, I had no idea what to expect from him. Which meant that I would stay on guard for the time being.

When the introductions had been made, Sam sat down on a chair across the room. Angela gave him an encouraging smile. "Sam, why don't you tell Edward and Bella a little about yourself?"

"Right." He nodded in agreement before turning back to us. "Well, I'm twenty-six years old, and I was born into the Quileute tribe. I was raised at the reservation down at La Push. You know where that is?" Bella nodded immediately. I just kept watching him silently, waiting for him to go on, as I was still not sure what to make of him.

After a few seconds, he did. "My father abandoned us when I was two years old, and my mother never got over it. But I never really missed him, or if I did, I didn't know it. I was so young when he left, and besides, the tribe was our family. There were always people around."

Bella smiled. "That sounds really nice. I always wanted a big family, with lots of brothers and sisters."

"Yeah, I suppose sometimes it can be nice." Sam's eyes met mine for a brief moment, and then he looked directly at Bella. When he spoke again, something in his voice changed. "And sometimes, it can be a curse." Bella's smile faded.

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly, sounding like she - deep down - already knew where this was going. I had a sinking feeling as well.

Sam cleared his throat. "I was eleven when it all started, and one of the youngest kids in the tribe, so naturally, I was flattered when the older boys started paying me more attention. Let's just say they didn't have to work very hard to persuade me into joining their... games." There was something about the way he said the word _games_ that made me shiver.

"Did they...?" I started, speaking for the first time since Sam had entered the room, only to find that I couldn't finish the question. But it turned out I didn't have to.

"Yes," Sam responded, looking me right in the eyes. "More times than I can remember." I found myself unable to look away.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Edward," Angela prompted, but I shook my head. Right now, I wanted to avoid thinking if I could.

I was starting to feel sick.

"They never even had to come look for me, because I went back there, every time," Sam continued now, thankfully taking Angela's attention away from me, if only for a moment. "And in the end, when my mother found out by accident what was going on, they all got away with it by insisting I had been in on it all along. In a way, they were right."

I could see Bella's bottom lip tremble. "But you were just a little boy. You couldn't possibly know what..." her voice trailed off.

He shook his head. "I knew enough to realize what they were doing was wrong, and shameful. But they said I wanted it. Who was I to speak up against them? I was just a kid, a nobody."

"That's horrible," Bella whispered, her eyes wide with disbelief. "I just don't understand. You said you went back there. Why would you do that?"

"I'd like to say I didn't have any choice, but then she would just scold me, telling me how you always have a choice in life." Sam nodded towards Angela with a chuckle. "Seriously, I've been asking myself the same question, many times over the years. The best I can come up with is that I was scared of being disowned. The tribe was all I had. I told myself that as long as I did what they asked of me, I was safe."

I could feel both Bella's and Angela's eyes on me, and knew they were waiting for some kind of reaction from me. But my mind was just blank.

"I never understood the concept of the word 'rape' until she pointed it out to me," Sam explained, once again gesturing to Angela. "And I didn't realize just how damaged I had become, until..." he stopped, closing his eyes for a moment.

I found myself being curious against my will. "Until... what?"

He smiled, but there was something distant in his eyes. "Well, I met a girl. Emily. We hit it off right away, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her what had happened to me. I was too ashamed, I guess, and fooled myself into thinking my past didn't matter. I was wrong. You see, I had a problem with my temper. It didn't take much for me to explode, and back then, I didn't see the connection. One day, I hurt Emily."

I didn't want to hear anymore. Yet I remained where I was. Somehow, I knew where this was going.

If possible, Bella scooted even closer to me, clasping my hand tightly in hers. "When you say 'hurt', do you mean like... hurt her feelings, or...?"

"I wish." Sam let out a bitter laugh. "She didn't even do anything - she just happened to get in my way. I don't remember hitting her, but now I have to look at her scarred face everyday, and know that I'm the one who did that to her." He paused. "I was wearing a ring. An ugly thing, shaped like a wolf. It was silver, with sharp edges. I threw it away the next day, but the damage was already done."

"Edward, look at me. You're okay, baby. Just come back to me." Bella's voice sounded low and muffled, like she was very far away, and I struggled to get through the fog. When I opened my eyes, I realized I was huddling on the floor with my back pressed against the wall, as if trying to disappear into it. I blinked in confusion, because I could barely remembered the last time I'd had an episode like this.

As I looked around the room, I noticed Angela over by the other side of the room, talking quietly to Sam. Neither of them were looking in my direction, for which I was grateful. Bella was kneeling next to me on the floor, her arms wrapped securely around me as she was mumbling soothingly into my ear.

Letting out a shuddering breath, I gently but firmly pushed her away. "I'm okay," I croaked, praying that she would understand that I needed to keep some distance between us right now. As much as I longed for her comfort and craved her touch, I couldn't get the sickening images of me hurting Bella out of my head. I knew it had never happened, but it could have. Hell, I had hurt others.

"We can leave if you want," Bella whispered now, glancing over her shoulder. "If this is too much, just-"

"I don't want to hurt you," I cut her off, cringing at the desperate note in my voice. Bella opened her mouth, then closed it again, and I could see the exact moment realization hit her.

Then - to my surprise - she looked almost angry. "You haven't," she hissed, gently grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her. "And you won't. I don't want to hear you talk like this - like I should just back off and let you keep torturing yourself over something that will never happen."

A part of me wanted to keep arguing with her, but I decided against it. Instead I just shrugged. Maybe I was being irrational. It wouldn't be the first time. But still. I knew Bella was trying to understand me, she genuinely _wanted_ to understand, but she couldn't. Not completely.

"Could we have a moment?" Sam asked suddenly, causing me to look up.

It didn't occur to me that he meant just the two of us until I heard Angela's response, "That would be up to Edward."

If I was taken aback, then so was Bella. "No!" she cried out incredulously, and then blushed. "I'm sorry, but I don't think that's a good idea," she added, moving closer to me and placing her hand protectively on my knee.

I didn't like when Bella made decisions for me, or spoke for me, but I didn't have the heart to get upset with her. It wasn't like she was deliberately trying to walk over me - she was just acting impulsively, out of love. I would probably have reacted the same way. Glancing at Sam, I then sighed. "It's okay, love."

"But..." Bella looked skeptical. "Are you sure? I mean, you don't have to..."

"I know." Taking a deep breath, I then scrambled to my feet, offering Bella my hand to help her up. She took it without hesitation, although she didn't let go once we were off the floor. It made me love her even more.

"Bella and I will be waiting just outside," Angela assured me, and I nodded in acceptance.

I could see that Bella was still reluctant to leave me, so I rubbed her back and gave her a smile I hoped would be encouraging. "I'll be okay. See you in a moment." She bit her lip, and I knew she wanted to object, but she nodded, brushed her lips tenderly against my cheek, and whispered a soft 'I love you'. Then she slowly followed Angela out the door.

It was just me and Sam left in the office, but strangely enough, I didn't feel anxious or threatened in any way. Maybe because I had seen the look in his eyes. I instinctively knew that I had nothing to fear from this guy. If anything, his pain was as great as mine, only he seemed to have learned how to handle it.

And suddenly, I couldn't wait to find out how.


	100. Chapter 100

A/N: Chapter 100, how about that? It's insane! And the story isn't over yet. Thank you all for being so patient with me when I haven't been able to update as often as I used to. And thank you so much for all your lovely reviews!

OoOoO

**Edward**

"I didn't mean to upset you," Sam told me apologetically as soon as Bella and Angela had left the room, a knowing expression on his face. "You saw it happen to you, didn't you? Hurting your girlfriend?"

I was both shocked and embarrassed that he could obviously read me so well. "How did you know?" I muttered.

He was quiet for a moment. "I guess I see a lot of myself in you. But there's a big difference between us. Unlike me, you didn't wait to get help until it was already too late."

"What do you mean?" I was confused, because Sam seemed to have come a lot farther than I ever could. For one thing, I didn't think I would ever be able to talk about my past as casually as he did, especially not with a complete stranger. And I had a feeling I was not the first person he had opened up to like this.

"I have to live with what I did to Emily," Sam explained, looking me right in the eyes. "It's not possible to escape your past. If I had just realized that a little sooner, she wouldn't have gotten hurt by my hand. She may have forgiven me, but I will never be able to forgive myself."

"What happened?" I couldn't suppress my curiosity. "Did she find out why you...?"

"Well, I told her everything." Sam sighed. "She amazed me by being more upset for me than about the fact that her face was damaged beyond repair. I tried to make her see that I didn't deserve her sympathy after what I did, but she didn't agree. She even said she still loved me." He paused. "I left her. It was for the best, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't trust myself around her, and she shouldn't either."

"Oh." I felt a lump in my throat, knowing I would've done the same thing, even though walking away from Bella would've killed me. She was the light in my life, hell, she _was_ my life. But I still would've done it to keep her safe. I could only pray to God it would never come to that. "How did you survive?" I asked without thinking.

He let out a dry laugh. "Surviving doesn't necessarily mean the same as living. I was in a really bad place for a while. Did a lot of stupid things, like getting drunk and hooking up with random girls at bars and clubs I shouldn't even be able to get in to. But there was never any problem. I would..." he stopped himself, shaking his head. "Are you sure you want to hear the rest? It's not pretty."

I wasn't sure at all, but at the same time, I was intrigued. So I just nodded for him to go on.

A sigh escaped him and I could see his eyes darken. "The girls I mentioned? Or I suppose they were more women than girls, really. Well, I slept with them. All of them. Sex became like a drug to me - I just couldn't get enough. And you know what the really sad part was? I didn't even enjoy it."

My eyes widened in shock and I stared at him, not sure I had understood him correctly. But the look of shame on his face told me otherwise. I swallowed hard, willing the nausea to stay away. "How could you do that?" I whispered hoarsely.

"I know it was wrong, and I'm not proud of it." The guilt was evident in his voice. "But technically, I didn't use any of them, at least that's what I told myself. They were all older than me, and unlike me, they knew what they were doing." He let out a snort of disgust. "I bet they got more out of it than I did."

Even though he was clearly deeply ashamed of his behavior, Sam never averted his eyes, which I had to admire. However, he had misunderstood my question.

"No, I meant..." I searched my mind for the right words. "Literally, how could you do it? How could you..." I swallowed hard, "...have sex with someone, after what..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

"Oh." I could see understanding dawning on him. "Honestly? I didn't think of it like that. To me, it was never really about the sex in the first place. It was more about control." I opened my mouth, but he hurried to clarify, "And by that, I mean being in control of myself. I just needed to feel that I was making my own decisions." A pause. "Even if they werethe wrong ones."

I took a moment to contemplate his words. A part of me couldn't believe I had just asked a stranger about his sex life. But for some reason, even though I had just met him, Sam didn't feel like a stranger to me. Taking a deep breath, I then blurted out, "Six months ago, I couldn't stand anyone touching me."

He nodded in understanding. "And what changed?"

I couldn't stop the smile from spreading on my face. "I met a girl."

"Ah." He smiled as well. "Bella. She seems really great. I mean, I don't know her, but I can tell she cares a lot about you."

Suddenly I felt bad for him. "I'm sorry about Emily. Have you...?" I stopped, hesitating. I had been about to ask if he had been seeing anyone else, but somehow, it seemed like an inappropriate question, even more so than asking him about sex. Maybe because I had seen the look on his face every time Emily's name came up. She had obviously been to him what Bella was to me.

The love of his life.

He shrugged. "It took a while, but I finally realized it's pointless to dwell on the past. I can't change what happened. I can only learn from my mistakes and try to move on." He paused for a moment. "Look, Edward, I don't know your story. I'm not going to ask, because it's not my place. But let me tell you this. There's no shame in asking for help. And never be too proud to accept it."

I just watched him quietly. He went on, "Angela saved my life. She made me see what I was doing to myself, and she gave me the strength and courage to start over. Of course, she won't take any credit for it, but I know I have her to thank for being alive today. You see, there's a lot more to my story than what I've told you. But you don't need to hear the rest of it. It would only give you nightmares."

"Don't need anymore than I already have," I muttered in agreement. Then I glanced at him, hoping my next question wouldn't offend him. "Why are you doing this? I mean, why are you here, telling me all this? You don't owe me anything. Hell, you don't even know me."

"True." Sam got a thoughtful look on his face. "The first time I stood in front of a group of people, about to share the story of my life, I didn't think I'd be able to do it. But somehow, I managed, and every time, it gets a bit easier. It may sound weird, but it gives me satisfaction in a way, knowing that by talking about what happened to me, I might actually help someone else. And that'll make it all worth it."

I had never thought of it that way. Still, I was absolutely certain I would never be able to do what he did. "So you do this a lot, then?"

"Depends on what you mean by a lot." Sam shrugged. "It gives my life a meaning, and it helps me to deal with what happened. It's also my way of trying to make amends, make up for what I did to Emily. If telling my story only helps one person, then I'm doing something right." He shook his head. "Emily keeps telling me on a daily basis how brave I am. But it's not about bravery. It's about doing what's right."

I nodded absently, because I could see what he meant. Then something he said registered, and I gave him a look of confusion. "Wait. You and Emily still talk?"

Now he grinned. "We've been married for almost five years."

"Really?" I blinked in surprise. "But you said you left her. I thought..."

His smile faded a little. "I had to. But I never stopped loving her. And by some miracle, my feelings for her are mutual. As soon as she found out I was serious about getting help, she came to see me, and we talked. I told her I couldn't be with her at the time, that I needed some space, and she said she understood. Then she promised she would wait for me. And she did."

"Wow." I really didn't know what else to say.

The smile was back on his face as he went on, "In about two months, we'll be having our first child. Emily is seven months pregnant."

My eyes widened slightly, but I remained silent as I took in this new information. In all honesty, the thought of someday getting married and having kids had never even crossed my mind. Probably because I did my best to avoid thinking of the future. It seemed so uncertain, so fragile. You never knew what could happen.

But now when Sam had brought it up, I couldn't deny the fact that a future without Bella wouldn't be much of a future at all. I wanted to be with her until the day I would take my last breath, and even then, it didn't seem enough. I wanted forever.

Would Bella want that too? Did she want a family someday? Probably. I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat wouldn't go away. Was this something we should be talking about?

Then I nearly laughed, but there was no humor involved, only bitterness. Not only would I have to fret about being a lousy father, seeing how I could barely take care of myself, but there was also that other little detail - to have children, you would have to be able to have sex.

At the back of my mind, a little voice told me I was getting way ahead of things. Bella and I were only seventeen, for fuck's sake. I didn't have to worry about this for years.

But the problem was the same as usual - once I had started thinking, it was very hard to stop.

"Look, I don't mean to freak you out with all this." Sam was suddenly dead serious. "I still doubt myself from time to time, and I know I will never completely get over what happened to me. But I refuse to let my fear get control of me. I can't change my past, but my future isn't set in stone, and neither is yours. It's up to us to make the best out of the time we have left."

He made it sound so simple. Funny how it all made perfect sense to me. I wondered if I would feel the same once I had left this room.

"Here, take this." Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, white card. Hesitating only briefly, I then took it from him, giving him a questioning look. He explained, "It's my phone numbers, both to my house and to my cell phone. If you ever have any questions, or just want to talk, just give me a call."

A wave of gratitude welled up inside me. I wasn't sure if I would ever take him up on his offer, but nevertheless, his selfless gesture meant a lot to me. He didn't have to do this. I nodded in acknowledgment and managed to mumble a 'thanks'.

I really had gotten a lot to think about, as if I didn't have enough going through my head as it was. But still, I felt lighter somehow. That was when it hit me that I had done the right thing, coming here today. Despite my reluctance at first, listening to Sam's story had actually helped.

When Angela and Bella returned, a couple of minutes later, I felt surprisingly calm, considering the circumstances. Bella hurried over to me, and I immediately pulled her into my arms. She was smiling, although I could see a hint of concern in her eyes. I assured her I was fine and that we would talk later.

The drive back to Forks was quick and uneventful. As much as I wanted to spend the rest of the night with Bella, we both had homework to do, and I reluctantly dropped her off at her house, with the promise to call her before I went to bed. I knew I would also see her again the next day, but that didn't stop me from missing her even before she was out of my sight.

I took comfort in the fact that - judging by the way she pouted when she eventually had to pull back from the passionate kiss I gave her after walking her to the door - Bella felt exactly the same way.

Once I got home, I found Alice and Emmett in the kitchen helping Esme, washing dishes and cleaning up after dinner. Esme looked up and smiled when she saw me. "Hi, Edward. There's food left if you're hungry. I'm sorry we didn't wait for you, but we didn't know if you'd be eating with Bella in Port Angeles before coming home."

"That's fine." I waved off her apology, heading straight for the fridge. Whenever I was nervous or anxious about something, I found myself having a hard time eating, so naturally, I had barely eaten anything today, and now I was famished. I quickly made myself a sandwich and grabbed a soda before making my way over to the table.

I got to eat in a blissful silence for about two minutes before Alice wiped her hands and put the dish towel back on the hanger. Then she cleared her throat as she lingered by the kitchen sink. "So, um, how did things go today?"

"Oh, come on, Alice," Emmett scolded, sounding incredulous. "Give the guy a chance to eat!" But I could see the curiosity burning in his eyes, knowing he was dying to know as well. Esme reprimanded both of them, although there was no anger in her voice, and I suspected that if Alice hadn't asked, she would have.

I rolled my eyes at their lame attempts of being subtle. "Things went fine. Can we just leave it at that?" I took a sip of my soda, hoping they would let it go. To my relief, they all nodded in acceptance, even though I could tell they were a bit disappointed. Honestly, I didn't understand why, seeing how I rarely discussed what went on during my sessions with any of them.

"Look, I just..." I started, but Esme waved me off.

"It's okay, sweetie, we understand." She patted my arm gently as she walked past me and sat down across the table. "Let's talk about something else. Like, for example... what we're going to do next Saturday." There was a hint of excitement in her voice, although I knew she was trying to act casual.

I had to hold back a groan, because there was no doubt in my mind what was coming next. I was right.

"Oh!" Alice started bouncing up and down, clapping her hands. I gave her a warning look, which she chose to ignore completely, just like I knew she would.

I really hated celebrating my birthday, and they all knew it by now. But I figured they were hoping I would be a little more positive this year. Well, too bad, because I wasn't. "Esme, I don't-"

"Just hear me out, please," she cut me off, almost pleadingly. "I know how you feel about these things, but Edward, this is not just any birthday. You'll be turning eighteen. Besides, I'm not talking about throwing a huge party or anything - you know us better than that. Just a nice dinner with the family, and Bella, of course. Will you please let us do this for you?"

In a way, I supposed I should be happy she was asking for my permission this year - normally I didn't have any say in the matter. There would be cake and presents, whether I wanted it or not. It wasn't that I was ungrateful or anything, but I had always felt like they got me way more than I deserved, and it just made me uncomfortable.

I sighed in defeat. "Fine."

Esme's face lit up, and I realized this meant a lot to her. All these years, I had been convinced she was only acting out of obligation, but it was starting to hit me that I had been wrong. Trying to push the guilt to the side, I glanced at Alice and Emmett, who had yet to make any comments. "Um, if you guys wanna invite Jasper and Rosalie..." I shrugged, leaving the rest of the sentence hanging.

They both stared at me like I had just sprouted horns or something. Then Alice smiled, so widely I was afraid it would split her face in two. "Really?" she squealed, her voice at least an octave higher than normal.

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked skeptically, although the hope was evident on his face. I could only nod, because now I really felt like shit.

It was becoming clear to me that it hadn't even occurred to them to ask - they had just assumed I wouldn't want Jasper and Rosalie around for my birthday, which suddenly bothered me more than I liked to admit. It shouldn't be like that. They were important to Alice and Emmett, just like Bella was to me.

In that moment, I made my decision. This year would be different. For once, I would actually make an effort to show them all that I appreciated them.

Really, how hard could it be?


	101. Chapter 101

**A/N****: If I have to guess how much there's left of this story, I would say about 10-20 chapters. There's still a few issues to deal with, but for the first time since I started this, I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. It makes me both sad and relieved at the same time. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, your support is everything to me. I just want to hug you all. Now, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter.**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

Over the last couple of days, I noticed a slight change in Edward's behavior. I wasn't all that worried, though, because while he appeared to be somewhat distant and distracted, I wouldn't say he seemed upset. A lot had happened lately, and I knew there had to be a lot for his mind to process. So I did my best to show him my support without smothering him, which turned out to be quite a challenge for me.

It had never been my intention to come on too strong with my love and concern for him, but I suspected that - while he wouldn't say anything out loud - I sometimes got on Edward's nerves. So I tried to take a step back every once in a while, even though it wasn't easy, and give him a chance to actually tell me what he needed.

With only a few weeks left of the semester, the school year was coming to an end, and the biggest topic at Forks High was without doubt the prom. Everybody was going, or so it seemed, but I honestly couldn't care less. In fact, I couldn't wait for it to be over, certain that my ears would start bleeding if I heard one more word about it.

I had known all along that Edward wouldn't be comfortable at such an event, seeing how he couldn't stand crowded places, and it suited me perfectly, because A) I couldn't dance to save my life, and B) the idea of spending all that money on a dress I would never wear again seemed like a total waste to me, especially since I would most likely hide in a corner all night.

So, naturally, it had come as a total shock to me when Edward had brought it up.

_"If you really want, we can go," Edward mumbled, although he seemed to have a hard time to get the words out, and he wouldn't meet my eyes. His entire body seemed to be screaming in protest, and I had a feeling he would rather spend the entire night walking on broken glass. ___

_In all honesty, so would I. I just didn't understand what all the fuss was about. The prom may be a big deal to most people, but not to me. It seemed more like a nightmare than anything else.___

_"Absolutely not," I told him firmly, giving him a look that indicated he was crazy for even suggesting it in the first place. He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand to stop him. "I mean it, Edward. Seriously, prom is so not my idea of fun. I mean, I'd love to do something else with you that night, just the two of us, but come on! You didn't really expect me to say yes, did you?"___

_I watched some color return to his ashen face, and his relief was so obvious that I would have found it amusing, had I not known just how hard this had to be for him. I knew the mere thought of going to prom terrified him, and yet he had offered, just because he didn't want me to miss out on anything. ___

_Even if I had wanted to go - which I didn't - I could never do that to him. ___

_"You sure?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably. When I nodded, willing him to see the sincerity in my eyes, he let out the breath he had been holding. "Thank God!" he muttered to himself, pulling me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. I rolled my eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of his arms around me. Who needed prom, anyway?_

I knew Alice was a bit disappointed, having probably hoped the four of us would be going together, but she also understood, and thankfully didn't give us a hard time about it. Charlie, on the other hand, had seemed a little concerned at first, and there had been an awkward moment for both of us when he tried to initiate another father/daughter talk.

Luckily, I quickly managed to convince him that Edward hadn't hurt my feelings by not asking me. As much as he liked Edward, I had reluctantly come to accept the fact that my dad would always, deep down, see me as his little girl. It was something I would just have to learn to live with.

The days before Edward's birthday seemed to fly and drag by at the same time, and I was both nervous and excited when the big day was finally here. We hadn't really talked about it much, mostly because Edward seemed to change the subject whenever I tried to bring it up, and I knew it was a sensitive topic for him. He didn't know it yet, but I vowed to make this day his best birthday ever.

Edward knew I was coming to dinner, but what he didn't know was that I was going to spend the night at his house. It had been Alice's idea to keep it a secret, and I thought it would be a nice surprise. Luckily, so did Carlisle and Esme, who had agreed not to say anything.

Charlie had looked more than a little worried when I told him I wouldn't be home until the next morning, and when he had asked me, almost pleadingly, if I would at least be sleeping in Alice's room, I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise, although I was certain we both knew better.

While I nearly died of embarrassment, I felt compelled to confess to him that I was in fact still a virgin. It was horrible, but at least it seemed to give my dad some peace of mind. Or so I thought, until I was about to leave, and found a brand-new can of pepper spray in my overnight bag.

Being forced to stand by and watch your kids grow up had to suck.

Edward had offered to come pick me up, but I had declined, insisting on taking my truck. Fifteen minutes later, I was standing on the front porch to the Cullen house, my overnight bag in one hand and Edward's birthday gift - one of them, anyway - in the other. Nervously fingering my ponytail, I hoped I looked okay as I raised my hand to ring the doorbell.

The door swung open before I reached the button, revealing Alice in the doorway, bouncing up and down on her toes. She squealed and threw her arms around me, and I barely got the chance to return the hug before she pulled me into the house. I smiled, putting my bag down on the floor before shrugging out of my jacket. "Hi, Alice."

"Hi, Bella." She waved her hands impatiently. "Come on, we'd better hurry. Edward's in the kitchen." My smile widened and I started towards the kitchen, only to have Alice grabbing my arm to stop me. "No, no, you can't let him see you!" She started pulling me in the other direction.

"What?" I gave her a look of confusion. "Why not?"

She sighed deeply, like it should have been obvious. "Hello! We need to get you finished first. I'm gonna fix your hair, and you have to show me which clothes you're planning on wearing."

I frowned, looking down at my blue top and jeans. "Um, this?"

Her face fell. "But Bella, this is a special occasion. It's Edward's birthday. Don't get me wrong - you always look pretty, but I can make you look spectacular. If you just let me-"

"Alice," I cut her off. "Look, here's the deal. You can do my hair, but that's it. And this is what I'm gonna wear tonight. Take it or leave it."

She pouted. "Fine. But that doesn't mean I have to like it." I tried not to laugh as I followed her up the stairs, because she looked absolutely crestfallen. Too bad for her. I wasn't giving in.

I had to give Alice some credit, though, because she made my hair look so much better than I could ever accomplish by myself. When she finally announced that she was done, I couldn't help but smile at my reflection in the mirror, and gave her a big hug. "It looks great, Alice. Thank you." She grinned at me, clearly pleased by my reaction.

Running my fingers one last time through my soft curls, just because I liked the feeling of it, I decided to ask Alice if I could borrow some eyeliner since I hadn't brought any make-up of my own. I was already wearing a little mascara and some lip-gloss, but that was it. Her face lit up like she had just won the lottery and she rushed into her bathroom, only to return a moment later with a huge make-up bag.

Only Alice would have a make-up bag the size of a suitcase. I shook my head in astonishment, bracing myself for a full make-up session that I hadn't asked for. But somehow, I realized that I didn't mind. Besides, it gave the two of us some time to catch up. Funny how we always ended up talking about the guys.

"You know how Jasper promised to make prom night a memory for life?" Alice glanced at me, and when our eyes met, her coy smile turned into a grin. "He's made a reservation for us at a hotel in Port Angeles. I can't wait!"

"Wow." I was quiet for a moment, not sure what to say. "That's great."

Alice's smile faded, as if she had just remembered something. "I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else."

"No, don't be silly." I waved my hand. "I know you and Jasper are..." my cheeks became hot, "...sleeping together. I don't mind talking about it. It's just..." I shrugged, unsure of how to explain.

"I understand, Bella." Alice gave me a sympathetic look. "You're sexually frustrated."

"What?" Now my face was bright red. "I'm not!"

"Oh, come on." She patted my arm. "There's nothing to be ashamed of."

I shook my head. "You know what? I take back what I said. Change the subject, please!"

She opened her mouth, to object, I presume, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. In the next moment, Rosalie was standing in the doorway. I had forgotten she was invited as well, but I was suddenly very grateful for her presence. She smiled. "Hey, guys. What's up?"

"Oh, we were just talking." Alice gestured for her to come in. "About sexual frustration." She winked at me, as if to show me she was only teasing, but that didn't stop me from glaring daggers at her.

"Okay..." Rose looked from me to Alice, and she must have seen something in my eyes, because she playfully nudged Alice's shoulder as she passed her. "Jasper's not putting out?" I had to suppress a snort when Alice stuck her tongue out at her. And then, to my utter relief, she changed the subject, "I think they're all set downstairs."

I jumped up, checking to see if my hair was still okay. Then I felt a little stupid, because I suspected Edward wouldn't really care whether I wore my hair up or down. I cleared my throat. "Let's go, then. Alice, I'm gonna leave my stuff here in your room for now. That okay?"

"Of course." She got up as well. "Just don't forget Edward's birthday present."

I glanced at the neatly wrapped package I had placed on top of my bag. Suddenly I felt a bit self-conscious. "Actually, I was thinking I'd rather give it to him in private."

"What? No!" Alice gave me a look of disapproval. "That's not fair, we all want to see what it is." Then her expression changed. "Wait. Is it something kinky?"

"Oh my God..." Rose chuckled at my sudden look of mortification.

"No, it's nothing _kinky_. Jeez!" I hid my face in my hands. "Seriously, Alice, I'm about this close to disowning you as my friend."

"I'm just kidding, I promise." Alice waited until Rosalie had discreetly slipped out of the room before she walked over to me, her face suddenly serious. "Really, Bella, I didn't mean anything by it. You know that, right? If I have offended you in any way..."

"No." I rolled my eyes. "Don't worry about it. And just for the record - I wouldn't really disown you." While I wouldn't admit it, I enjoyed her bluntness. It was just the way she was, and I wouldn't want her any other way. Then she wouldn't be Alice. Besides, I knew she would never tease me like this when Edward was around. She would only remove her filter when it was just us. I was okay with that.

When we left the room, Edward's present remained on my bag. I knew it didn't go by Alice, but she didn't say anything about it. She just linked our arms together as we hurried towards the stairs.

**Edward**

When I got out of the shower, I watched my reflection closely in the mirror for a moment, but didn't find any visual sign that I had magically become a different person, just because I was now eighteen. To tell the truth, I felt pretty much the same as I had before I went to bed last night. I hurried to get dressed and then went back to my room.

I was finally a legal adult, and I figured I should be happy. Now I could do whatever I wanted, the world was at my feet and all that crap. Funny how I just wanted to curl up in my room and hide.

A soft knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts a couple of minutes later, and I suppressed a sigh. "It's open," I called out as I attempted to pick up some of my clothes from the floor. My room was a mess, and I cringed at the thought of Bella coming here tonight and accidentally stepping on my old underwear.

"Happy birthday." Esme smiled at me from the doorway. I could see her hesitating, as if not knowing whether or not is was okay for her to come inside, so I forced a smile in return and gestured for her to enter. She looked relieved. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come down for breakfast. Carlisle had to go to the hospital, and Alice and Emmett have already eaten, so it'll just be the two of us."

"Yeah, all right." I eyed a dirty t-shirt critically before tossing it in the hamper. "Just gonna finish here. I'll be down in a minute."

"Great." She remained where she was. "Um, do you need any help?" I shook my head. When she still made no motion to leave, I put the hamper down and gave her a questioning look. That's when I noticed how nervous she looked, and I realized she hadn't just come here to ask me about breakfast.

"What's wrong?" I asked warily.

"Oh, nothing." She wrung her hands. "I was just hoping we could talk, but if you're busy..." her voice trailed off and she looked down at her feet.

"No, it's cool." I let out a gust of air. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Well..." Esme made her way over to the small couch in the corner of the room and sat down. After a brief moment's hesitation, I did the same, slumping down next to her. She smiled, but there was uncertainty in her eyes. When she spoke up, her voice was overly cheerful. "Hey, I'm gonna do some baking for tonight. Would you prefer cupcakes or brownies?"

I frowned. "Whatever you wanna make is fine with me. Mind telling me what this is really about?"

"I'm sorry." She closed her eyes for a second, and a sad laugh escaped her. "I really thought I could do this, but..." she shook her head, and when she continued, her voice was trembling, "I'll be honest with you, Edward. I'm scared out of my mind right now."

"What?" I blinked in surprise, because I hadn't seen this coming. "What are you talking about?"

Esme swallowed visibly, her eyes shining with tears. "I've been fearing this day for so long. I feel horrible to admit it, but I can't help it."

I shook my head slowly, more confused that ever. "I don't understand."

"You're an adult now." She placed a shaky hand on my arm, only to pull back the next moment, fear evident in her eyes. "I'm just so afraid. I don't want to lose you." I just looked at her blankly, still not following. She sighed. "You may not be my son by blood, but I couldn't love you more if you were. I'm just worried it's not enough to keep you with us." A pause. "That _I'm_ not enough."

At first I thought she still worried about the Social Services, but it didn't quite add up. It took a moment before understanding started dawning on me.

She didn't just fear that someone would take me away. No, she was afraid that now that I was of legal age, I would leave on my own account. Walk out on her, on the family. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Esme..." I felt like my head was spinning. "No, you're wrong. You've done more for me than..." I swallowed. "My mother never gave a fuck about me, but you were always there for me, even though I probably made your life miserable most of the time. You never gave up on me. Don't ever think you're not enough. I can't..." my voice cracked. "Fuck, I'm so sorry."

"Oh, sweetie..." She pulled me into her embrace, hugging me tightly, and I found myself hugging her back while trying to remember if my mother had ever held me like this. Deep down, I already knew the answer to that. Esme inhaled shakily. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes, I do." The words were spilling out of me now, and I couldn't have stopped them if I wanted to. "I never felt like I belonged, like I really deserved to be here. But that was me, you didn't do anything wrong. You and Carlisle kept trying, and I never showed you that I appreciated it. I can't believe you put up with me all this time." Tears were burning in my eyes, but I blinked them away. "I'm sorry."

"Let's just start over, okay?" Esme pulled back a little, gently placing her hands on both sides of my face. "We can both learn from our mistakes and move on. It may not be easy, but it doesn't have to be, as long as we're on the same page. Edward, I know I'm not your mother, but if you let me, I would love to be your mom."

I tilted my head to the side, feeling like I was close to a revelation of some kind. "What's the difference?" I asked huskily.

"Well..." She paused. "The way I see it, you become a mother when you give birth. But being a mom goes beyond that. It's not about obligation - it's about connection, and feeling it in your heart. Being a mom means that you would do anything in your power to protect your children, and that you love them unconditionally, no matter what. I love you, Edward. What do you say?"

Somehow, what she said sounded so simple. I took a moment to let her words sink in. Then I nodded. "I think I'd like that."


	102. Chapter 102

**A/N****: Again, I want to apologize for taking so long between updates. Those of you who are following me on Twitter and read the Loner thread at the forum over at Twilighted know that I have recently gotten the overwhelming news that I'm having twins, and I have found it a bit hard to focus on my writing. But I'll keep the chapters coming, I promise. I would never give up on this story. I can only ask you to keep being patient with me. Thank you all so much for your reviews, I never get tired of reading them.**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

"Emmett, you put that cookie in your mouth, and you'll be grounded until graduation," Esme warned, causing Emmett to freeze in his tracks with the chocolate chip cookie a mere inch from his mouth. He got a look of conflict on his face and I could see the wheels turning in his head - after all, his graduation was less than two weeks away.

Unfortunately for him, Esme knew how his mind was working and hurried to add, "Better yet, make that until your brother and sister's graduation." Emmett let out a heavy sigh and put the cookie back down, clearly deciding that it wasn't worth it if he ended up grounded for a whole year.

"But I'm starving," he complained, giving Esme a pleading look. She just shook her head and - just to be on the safe side, I assumed - removed the large tray loaded with cookies, brownies and cupcakes out of his reach. His expression changed into total devastation.

"You ate an entire pizza a few hours ago," Rosalie - who had just entered the kitchen - reminded him, an incredulous tone in her voice. "How can you possibly be hungry again?"

"I'm a growing man," Emmett muttered defensively. "I don't expect you to understand." She just raised a brow, not impressed by his reasoning. He turned back to Esme. "So, do we have to wait until Edward turns nineteen, or are we actually going to eat today?"

"We'll be eating as soon as Bella and Jasper get here," Esme told him patiently as she grabbed an oven mitt and went to open the oven. "Everything's ready."

"Jasper is here," Carlisle announced as he walked into the room, Jasper in tow. He sniffed at the air and let out a humming sound of appreciation. "Esme, dear, you have outdone yourself. The food smells amazing."

She smiled as he went over to her and gave her a peck on the cheek. "Hopefully it will taste as good as it smells. Can someone get Alice? I'm sure Bella will be here any moment."

I opened my mouth, about to offer, but Rosalie beat me to it, "Bella's upstairs with Alice. They're on their way."

"Bella's already here?" I asked doubtfully, positive that I hadn't heard the doorbell. Rosalie nodded in confirmation, and I frowned. Why would she go straight to Alice instead of coming looking for me? A part of me couldn't help but feel a bit hurt. After all, _I_ was Bella's boyfriend, and it was _my_ fucking birthday.

Was I being ridiculous and immature? Probably. Did I care at the moment? Not so much.

However, my irrational jealousy quickly melted away when my girl stepped into the kitchen a few seconds later. Her face lit up as she spotted me, and I barely got the chance to take a step in her direction before she flew across the room and straight into my arms. I let out a contented sigh as I all but crushed her to me, unable to resist giving Alice the evil eye over Bella's shoulder.

Of course, Alice just rolled her eyes at me and walked over to Jasper, who immediately slid his arm around her slender waist.

"Happy birthday, baby," Bella murmured into my ear, brushing her lips against my cheek. Then she pulled back a little and added with an apologetic note in her voice, "I'm so sorry for not coming sooner, but _someone_...," she threw a pointed look at Alice, who only grinned in response, "...decided to kidnap me the moment I walked through the door."

I realized I shouldn't be the least bit surprised. "Well, you were definitely worth waiting for." I lowered my voice a little, well aware of all the people in the room. "You look beautiful."

Bella blushed, although she looked pleased with the compliment. "Thanks. Alice helped me with the hair. I wanted to look extra nice tonight."

Oh, so that's what the two of them had been doing upstairs. I instantly cast an apologetic look at Alice, whose smile only grew wider.

"Great, we're all here. Now, can we please eat?" Emmett asked hopefully. I bit back a chuckle as Esme gave him a disapproving look, because his dejected expression was priceless. Clearly seeing my amusement at his expense, Emmett's childish pout turned into an evil grin. "Right, I forgot. Of course we all have to stand up and sing Happy Birthday, right, Edward?"

My smile faded and my eyes widened in horror. No way in hell! I gulped. "Let's eat, please!" Thankfully Esme took pity in me and nodded in agreement. The pleased look on Emmett's face - not to mention the way the jerk winked as he hurried past me - told me he knew exactly what he was doing. I glared at him, although I found that I couldn't bring myself to be genuinely upset.

As for birthday presents, I had all but begged Carlisle and Esme not to go over the top this year. I still had a hard time accepting and wrapping my mind around the fact that for my seventeenth birthday, they had bought me a car. But to my great relief, this time they had made it clear that they would respect my wishes.

There was no secret that our family was loaded, and they had seemed a bit disappointed not being able to buy me ridiculously expensive gifts, but I had firmly insisted for them to keep a low profile, shamelessly playing on their wishes to please me, and I supposed it worked, even though they, in my opinion, still spent a bit more on their gifts than necessary.

This morning, Carlisle and Esme had gotten me a brand-new acoustic guitar, along with a note saying I was entitled to ten private lessons for beginners. While I was surprised by their choice of gift, seeing how I had never expressed an interest in playing any kind of instrument, my interest was instantly piqued, and I thanked them profoundly.

Dinner was kind of nice, I suppose, all in all a pretty quiet event, which suited me perfectly since I absolutely hated being the center of attention. Luckily, everyone at the table was aware of this, and made no attempt to push me into any deeper conversation. Still, I knew Bella's presence would be enough to make just about anything bearable.

I had promised myself I would make an effort to socialize during dinner, and not just finish eating as quickly as possible and then run off, like previous years. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, and no awkward subjects came up, but I had to admit I was a bit relieved when Esme suggested we'd take a short break before she would serve the cake.

We all agreed, and I had to struggle to get up as calmly as I could instead of just grabbing Bella by the arm and dragging her with me out of the room. The truth was, I could hardly wait to get her all to myself, even if it would only be for a little while. She looked absolutely stunning tonight, and I had a hard time taking my eyes off her, which most likely had not gone by the others.

When we got upstairs, Bella told me she would be right back and rushed across the hall - heading to the bathroom, I assumed - so I went into my room to wait for her. She returned a moment later with a bag, grinning at my confused expression. "I'm spending the night," she confessed, her cheeks slightly pink. "I didn't say anything before, because I wanted it to be a surprise."

The way she glanced at me through her eyelashes as she spoke, almost shyly, told me she was a bit uncertain of my reaction, and I nearly laughed, although I managed to contain myself. Did she actually expect me to be disappointed? This was the best news I had received all day, and I had every intention of letting her know just how much I appreciated her little surprise.

But before I got the chance to say anything, Bella pulled out a large, wrapped package she had somehow kept hidden behind her back and handed it to me, a somewhat nervous smile playing on her lips. "Um, this is for you. It's not much, but... Oh, well, happy birthday." She paused. "Again."

I shook my head, but couldn't help but smile, because I found her awkward ramblings adorable. "Thanks, love. But really, you didn't have to get me anything. You spending the night here with me is more than..." I stopped, giving her a worried look as a thought had just occurred to me, "Wait, you are staying in my room, right?" She smiled and nodded, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Seeing the way Bella looked expectantly from me to the box in my hand, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, I made my way over to the couch and sat down, motioning for her to join me. Then I started unwrapping it carefully despite my words, being curious of what she had gotten me.

There were several items in the box, one of them a book of some kind, bound with a blank, white cover. Then there were a couple of DVD:s, all new movies that I hadn't seen before, but I resisted the urge to read the summary on the back and put them aside for the moment. Instead I picked up the book and gave Bella a questioning look. "What's this? A photo album or something?"

"Yes, and no." She lowered her eyes, appearing to be self-conscious all of a sudden. "I mean, how you want to use it it's up to you, but there is a thought behind it. I was thinking photo album/scrapbook/journal." I started to open it, but Bella stopped me by quickly putting her hand on top of mine. "Um, I'd like to explain a little more before you look inside, if you don't mind?"

I shrugged in response and gave her a smile I hoped would be reassuring, because she suddenly seemed so insecure, and I didn't understand why.

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Remember when Angela gave you that black notebook where you're supposed to write down things that... are hard to talk about?" I blinked in surprise, but nodded. Bella hesitated a little, keeping her eyes on her hands. "Well, I thought... In this book, you could write about stuff that's, you know, good. Things you want to remember. And you can put pictures in there as well."

"Oh." I realized I should thank her, but the truth was, I was a bit overwhelmed.

She swallowed. "I kind of started for you. Um, open the first page?"

Too stunned to say anything, I obeyed. Covering almost the entire first page was a photo of Bella. Underneath she had written in small letters; _'my girlfriend Bella'_. I ran my fingers gently over the glossy surface of the picture and then raised my head to look at her. "Bella-"

"Wait!" She let out a nervous giggle. "Before you say anything, there's more. Turn the page?"

Doing as she asked, I frowned as my eyes landed on something that appeared to be a plastic wrapper to a straw, taped to the white book page. Something was written under, and my eyes widened as I realized what I was looking at. _'From our first lunch-date'_, it said, and I shook my head in awe. "Seriously? You saved this?" My voice cracked at the end, but I was too astonished to care.

Bella must have misread my reaction, because she wrung her hands and spoke hurriedly, "You probably think it's stupid. I just wanted to give you something meaningful. I know it's not much, but that's why I also got you the DVD:s. If you hate it-"

"No! My God, Bella..." I cut her off, horrified that she would think that, even for a second, when in reality I was touched beyond words. I swallowed hard. "First of all, I could never hate anything you'd give me. But this... Fuck, Bella, I don't know what to say. I mean, I love it. Thank you." I pulled her into my arms, hugging her close as I desperately struggled against the tears threatening to well up.

It was without doubt the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given me. The color of the cover was white, in contrast to the black one I'd gotten from Angela, and I just knew it had been a deliberate choice from Bella's side. And every time I opened this book, I would be met by the most precious sight in the world, what changed my life and turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

My beautiful girl. My Bella.

"Hey..." I pulled back a little, grinning as inspiration hit me. "Think I want to write something right away. Got a pen?"

She smiled, and her eyes darted around the room. "Yeah, I can see why you would have a hard time finding anything in this mess." There was a teasing note in her voice, and it was obvious that she was a lot more relaxed now when she knew I liked her gift. Silly girl. How she could have doubted that in the first place was beyond me.

"I'll have you know, it was much worse this morning," I defended myself, jumping up to get a pen from my desk. Then I sat back down, picked up the white book and started scribbling on the first blank page I found. I could feel Bella's curious eyes on me as she tried to read over my shoulder, and couldn't resist teasing her a little. "Hey, do you mind? This is private."

Bella slumped back into the couch, pouting adorably and mumbling an apology. When I was done, I handed her the book without a word. She hesitated a little, as if not sure whether or not I really wanted to show her, and I rolled my eyes. "Just read it. We both know you want to."

Her curiosity got the upper hand, and she turned her eyes to the page, reading out loud, "_June 20. Bella gave me this book and I thanked her by kissing her fucking senseless._" Bella looked up with a frown. "You haven't kissed me-" She was cut off as I attacked her lips with mine.

I had been longing to kiss Bella all day, and now when I had her within reach, I wasn't about to let the opportunity pass. She let out a soft moan, quickly putting the book aside and climbing into my lap, our lips never breaking contact as she slipped her arms around my neck.

The kiss was soft and tender, yet bold and daring, all at the same time, and I just couldn't get enough. Kissing Bella had quickly become my number one favorite activity, and I couldn't help but think this had to be as close to Heaven as I would ever get. We were both panting slightly and smiling at each other as we finally had to pull back for air.

I let out a content sigh, gently tucking a stray curl of hair behind her ear. "Does that count as kissing you senseless, or do I have to do it again?"

She giggled softly. "I'd say mission accomplished, but hey, if you're offering..." her eyebrows went up in challenge. "You won't hear any complaints from me."

Chuckling a little, I leaned in to brush my lips against hers. "Do I really get to keep you all night?" When she nodded, I tightened my arms around her. "I might not let you go home tomorrow."

"Is that a promise?" She smiled sweetly and batted her lashes at me. "Again, I won't complain. I'm yours for as long as you'll have me."

"Forever," I responded without hesitation. Humming in agreement, she sighed happily and curled up in my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. More than anything, I wished I could just pause this moment, because right now, everything was absolutely perfect, and I never wanted it to end.

Unfortunately, the blissful moment was over all too soon for my liking. An hour or so may have passed, but it was still not enough, as far as I was concerned. Bella and I were cuddling on the couch when the knocking started, and I could hear muffled voices coming from the hallway outside my room.

_"Come on, Al, they're not gonna open. Just try the doorknob."_ Emmett, of course. Then, _"Ow! Dammit, why are you hitting me?"_

I glanced at Bella, who had clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh, and gave her a hopeful look. "If we're real quiet, they might think we're asleep." Seeing her skeptical expression, I added, "Or we could just climb out the window."

"Be nice." Bella shook her head in amusement. "Besides, you know they won't give up that easily."

Another knock emphasized her words, and I sighed, disappointed to have my moment with Bella disrupted. Then again, I figured we had all night. As if she had read my mind, Bella smiled coyly, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek before getting up and heading for the door. "No!" I whined loudly in protest, although I wasn't really serious. "Don't open, or we'll never get rid of them!"

"Hey! I heard that," Emmett complained, sounding most offended as he barged through the door.

I gave him my best innocent face. "I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Can I help you?"

He opened his mouth, but Alice - who had slipped past Bella into the room - beat him to it. "Well, _I'm_ here because Mom asked me to let you guys know it's time for birthday cake." She paused, glaring at her older brother. "Emmett just decided to tag along to be a pain in the ass."

"Hey, I suggested we'd just go ahead and eat the cake without you," Emmett protested. "But for some strange reason, Mom wouldn't hear of it."

I flipped him off, only to get a wide grin in response. Alice would usually just shake her head at us, but I couldn't help but enjoy the teasing banter between me and Emmett. We could insult each other these days, all in good spirits, and I was finally starting to see that having an older brother could actually be quite fun.

"All right, we'll be down in a minute." When Emmett's eyes narrowed suspiciously, I rolled my eyes. "Just go! We'll be right behind you."

Finally he seemed to take the hint, snickering to himself as he followed Alice out of the room. I waited until they were both out of sight before turning to Bella. "Just so you know - when we get back here, I expect us to pick it up exactly where we left off before we were so rudely interrupted."

Bella smiled and nodded in agreement. "Sounds good to me. And just so _you_ know..." she blushed. "I might have one more birthday present for you. But you can't have it until later tonight, when we're alone for real." With that cryptic statement, she slipped past me, leaving me to look after her in bewilderment.


	103. Chapter 103

**A/N****: Thank you all so much for your continued support and patience. And a special thanks to all of you who have congratulated me on the twins. Your kindness means a lot to me, and I wish I could just hug you all. Instead I'm giving you a brand-new chapter on my birthday. :)**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

"So, what do you kids have planned for the rest of the evening?" Carlisle asked as he took a sip of his coffee. I nearly choked on my cake, but thankfully, he didn't seem to notice. Bella's words, _I might have one more birthday present for you,_kept ringing in my head, and every time I glanced in her direction, she would smile softly, yet at the same time, she appeared to be somewhat nervous.

I felt her small hand slip into mine under the table, and when our eyes met, she blushed. Naturally, my mind was racing, and I wished I knew what was going on in her head. A part of me wanted to just grab her and rush upstairs, eager to have her all to myself for the rest of the night. At the same time, I was scared out of my mind. And yet, strangely excited, all at once.

Bella and I would be sleeping in the same bed tonight, and I had a strong feeling we wouldn't be fully clothed this time. I wasn't stupid - I had a pretty good idea what she had been insinuating before, and I would be lying if I said her words had taken me completely off guard.

The truth was, the idea of taking our relationship to the next level had been on my mind a lot lately. And somewhere along the way, the thought had stopped freaking me out. For the first time, I actually felt like I was ready. And that was what scared me.

Would I disappoint her? What if Bella had all these expectations, and I couldn't live up to them? Not that I really thought she would say anything, should that be the case, but still, the thought of not being enough wouldn't go away. How could I be? I had no fucking clue what to do.

Okay, maybe that wasn't entirely true. I knew how things were supposed to work. Maybe I would be okay. And, fuck, I couldn't believe I was having all these thoughts now, with my family in the same room, stuffing themselves with birthday cake. I pushed my half empty plate away, suddenly unable to eat anymore.

"I'm spending the night at Jasper's, remember?" Alice reminded, in response to Carlisle's question. "I think we'll be leaving soon, if that's all right?" She looked at me, as if I would have any objections, and I just looked at her blankly for a moment. Then I realized she meant to be polite, seeing how it was my birthday and all.

"There's no rush," Jasper piped up, looking around the room. "We could all watch a movie or something first. It's not that late." I noted that Alice looked excited about the suggestion. However, she seemed to be the only one.

"I'd love to, really, but I need to get going soon." Rosalie sounded genuinely apologetic. "I have to be at work early tomorrow, and I should probably try to get as much sleep as possible. It's my first day, so I can't be late."

"Where will you be working again?" Esme asked. "Emmett told me the other day, but I'm afraid I forgot."

Rosalie smiled. "It's at the local garage downtown. I'll be helping fix up old cars and stuff. It's just a few hours a week for now, but if I'm lucky, they'll hire me full time after I graduate. I can't wait. This is something I've wanted to do my whole life."

Emmett grinned. "How cool is that, huh? I can ask my girlfriend to pimp my ride!"

Carlisle chuckled. "Maybe she could even teach you how to change a tire."

"Hey, I'm perfectly capable of changing my own tire," Emmett protested, but he didn't sound totally convinced. I couldn't help but snort - even I knew how to do that.

"You could take a look at Bella's truck every once in a while, just to make sure it doesn't fall apart," I suggested, only half joking. Honestly, I feared for my girl's life every time she got behind the wheel of that thing. I knew she had gotten the truck from her mother, which was the only reason I wasn't constantly on her back about trading it in.

Bella mock glared at me, knowing me well enough not to be offended for real, but clearly still felt the need to defend her precious vehicle. "There's nothing wrong with my truck." I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

Emmett offered to give Rosalie a ride home, leaving not so subtle hints that he was hoping she would ask him to stay for a while once they got there. She wasn't very hard to convince and agreed, after apologizing again for breaking up so early. I didn't mind at all, having been waiting for an excuse myself. But I politely thanked both her and Jasper for coming. After all, they had been kind enough to bring me a gift.

After Emmett and Rosalie had left, it didn't take long before Alice and Jasper announced they were leaving as well. Esme started clearing the table, waving off any offer of help. Alice turned to Bella. "Um, before I go, would you mind coming up to my room with me? It'll only take a moment. There's something I wanna show you."

"Oh, okay. Sure." Bella sounded a little confused, but nodded in agreement. She glanced at me. "I'll see you upstairs?" I nodded, giving her a small smile as I somewhat reluctantly let go of her hand.

Before I knew it, Carlisle and I were the only people left in the room. He shifted a little on his chair. "So, this birthday didn't turn out so bad after all, did it?"

I shook my head, feeling a little stupid for being so negative before. "No, it was great. Thanks, for everything."

"You're welcome, son. I'm just glad you had a good time. We all are." He was quiet for a moment, and I could tell he had something more on his mind. "Listen, I just wanted..." he hesitated. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about, before you go upstairs. It's nothing bad, I assure you. Just..." he cleared his throat, "...maybe a bit awkward. But I'm afraid it's necessary."

"All right." I couldn't help but feel a little alarmed, although I tried not to let it show. "What is it?"

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way." He looked me right in the eyes. "Let me start by saying I would be having the same conversation with Emmett, should he be the one to have his girlfriend staying over like this. In fact..." he chuckled a little, "I did have this conversation with him once, and believe me, it was every bit as embarrassing for both of us."

I raised a brow, skeptically. "Really?"

"I'll be straight with you, Edward." Carlisle leaned back in his seat, watching me calmly. "I know this is not the first time Bella has spent the night here with you, but I feel the circumstances are a bit different this time. Do you know what I'm saying?"

I nodded slowly. When he seemed to realize it was the only response he was going to get, he continued, "I want you to know that both Esme and I trust you and Bella completely. But we also remember what it's like to be young and in love. That said, I don't mean to make assumptions, or jump to conclusions. I just need to make sure you know how to be careful, when the right time comes, of course."

"Would you get to the fucking point?" I snapped, regretting my tone immediately, but I was starting to become frustrated. "I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you and Bella." Carlisle pinched the bridge of his nose. "Edward, I'm not a fool - I can see this is not just some teenage crush. When I see the two of you together, there's no doubt in my mind that what you have is real, and I couldn't be happier for you. I mean that, son, with all my heart."

I swallowed, touched by his words. "Thank you."

"However," he went on, and I could tell he was choosing his next words very carefully, "We have never really talked about the physical part of your relationship. I know you're an adult now, and technically this is none of my business, but I want you to know that you can always come to me if-"

I cut him off, as his ramblings finally started to make sense. "This is about sex?"

For a second, Carlisle almost looked like he was in pain. He closed his eyes briefly, then nodded. "Please, don't be upset. I'm only bringing it up because I care about you. You _and_Bella. If I'm making you feel uncomfortable with this, then I apologize. But I feel this is a topic that needs to be addressed."

A part of me was horrified. I wanted to shout at him that he was right - this was definitely none of his business and he should just leave me the fuck alone. And yet I remained silent. I figured that on some level, I just wanted to hear what he had to say. Something told me it was important. So I pressed my lips together, resisting the urge to lash out at him, and waited for him to go on.

Carlisle looked relieved, and I suspected he had been expecting an outburst of some kind. Hell, I couldn't blame him. A few weeks ago, that would most certainly have been my reaction. But somehow, I felt like a different person now. I sort of liked this new person, and I could only hope it would last.

"What are you thinking, Edward? Is there anything you'd like to say to me? Do you have any questions?" He sounded calm, but at the same time, somewhat uncertain, like he worried he might be out of line. That's when it hit me that when he told me this could get awkward, he had meant for both of us.

I sighed. "I don't know what you expect from me. What do you want to hear? Bella and I haven't..." I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing myself to finish the sentence, "...slept together. Honestly, I'm not sure we ever will."

Okay, I really hoped I was wrong about that. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how I really felt.

The look on Carlisle's face told me he could see right through me. He shook his head. "Edward, when two people love each other, sex can be a most pleasant experience. It should be an act of love and affection, and as long as both are ready and willing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting. Only you can decide what is right for you, and the same goes for her. You just need to be attentive."

I opened my mouth, but he wasn't finished. "But you must also remember that you have a responsibility, towards both of you. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not ready to become a grandpa just yet."

Oh. _Oh!_Fuck! I gulped. "Carlisle, I… Really, I don't..."

He held up a hand. "Just take a deep breath, and please hear me out. Like I said before, I trust you, and I trust Bella. Never doubt that. But I also know that, sometimes, things happen that you haven't planned for. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, but you need to be aware of all the risks. Are you with me?"

"Yes." I squeezed my eyes shut. "Look, this is all... I mean, I see your point, I really do. But up until recently, I never thought I'd even consider..." I stopped myself abruptly, realizing I was about to reveal more than I had planned. But something about the way Carlisle looked at me - with respect and pride, maybe even hope - made me continue. "Fuck this! Yes, I've been thinking about it. A lot. Happy?"

"Would you be shocked if I said yes?" He laughed somewhat nervously, and to my surprise, I felt the tension leave my body. Then his face turned serious. "Edward, whatever you have been thinking, or feeling, I can assure you it's normal. To most parents, the thought of their children having sex is... how do I put this? Frightening, I suppose. It means they are growing up."

I was a bit surprised, having not seen this coming. "And that's a bad thing?"

"You have no idea." Carlisle shook his head, letting out a chuckle. "No, not really. That's just the way it's supposed to be. But it can be hard to let go. My point is, when it comes to you, I get conflicted. Watching you make so much progress as you have the last couple of months... there are just no words. For so long, I feared you would..." his voice cracked, and I felt a lump in my throat.

"What?" I swallowed, thinking I had a pretty good idea what he was going to say. He had probably feared I would just remain a disappointment to everyone, forever.

When he finally spoke, his response was nothing like I had expected. "I feared you would never allow yourself to find true happiness. And when you put that in perspective, the thought of you someday growing up and having sex doesn't seem all that scary anymore. Quite the opposite, actually."

"Okay..." I honestly didn't know how to respond to that.

"Do you know what else I've been fearing?" he asked, quietly. I could only shake my head. "That you and I would never be able to have an honest heart-to-heart like this. I've been trying to reach out to you over the years, trying to really get through to you, but I can see now that I never tried hard enough. That's something I will just have to live with, but I want you to know that I'm sorry."

"No..." I couldn't let him take the blame for that. There was nothing he could have done differently - I was the one who refused to let anyone in. "You didn't do anything wrong. I've been an ass to everyone."

"Edward, no." Carlisle sighed. "I'm well aware of the fact that our family's been having communication problems for a long time. But you must understand that you - and Alice and Emmett too, for that matter - have always been an innocent party in all this. You were merely children. Esme and I are the ones who should've fought harder to keep the family together. It was never up to you."

He went on, a sad note in his voice, "It took the intervention of a teenage girl for me to see that I was failing, and even worse - that I had practically given up. I have to admit that I had mixed feelings for Bella at first. I was both grateful and resentful at the same time, if that makes any sense to you. She was a stranger, and yet she managed to succeed where I couldn't. It made me feel even more like a failure."

I blinked in surprise, because this was news to me. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that he felt that way. All this time, I had been convinced I was the one tearing this family apart. And now it turned out Carlisle had felt the same, only that _he_was the main reason. He said our family was having communication problems. I'd say he was right.

And how the fuck did we go from awkward sex talk, to this?

As if he had read my mind, he straightened up and cleared his throat. "Um, do you have any questions? About, you know, anything?"

I failed to hold back a snort of amusement. Either he was really bad at this, or he was brilliant. It occurred to me that during our talk, I hadn't been anywhere near a panic attack, and the topic was - to say the very least - intense. I was both surprised and relieved by this discovery.

"I don't think so," I responded truthfully. "Not right now, anyway. Might take a rain check, though. I've gotten a lot to think about."

Understatement of the fucking year. I felt like my head was spinning with all this new information, and at the same time, I felt strangely at peace.

"Fair enough." Carlisle smiled a little. "And I believe you have a lady waiting for you upstairs. Just, please, keep what I said in mind."

"I will," I nodded. "And, you know, thanks." Rolling my eyes, I added, "Even if it was awkward."

He chuckled. "Just a little. I'm really glad we could have this talk, though. And I meant it when I said you can always come to me. I hope you realize that." I nodded again. He was silent for a moment, then looked me straight in the eyes. "Edward, I don't expect you to start calling me Dad all of a sudden. But I want you to know that it's the way I see myself. You are, and always will be, my son."

I swallowed, afraid I would start blubbering. And I had been doing so well up until now. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, I forced myself to speak around the lump in my throat, "You and Esme have always been really good parents." It was as close to admitting that's how I thought of them as I could get right now. Maybe in time, I could do better.

When I got up to my room, a couple of minutes later, I found Bella waiting for me on the bed. Her face brightened when she saw me. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's great." After closing the door, I quickly moved across the room, eager to have her back in my arms. "Sorry for keeping you waiting. Carlisle wanted to talk to me."

"You were worth waiting for," she assured me with a wink, repeating my words from earlier. That's when I noticed that she had changed into her sleeping attire - gray pajama pants and a pink tank top.

It wasn't that late. I gave her a look of confusion, because I hadn't planned on sleeping for a while yet. "Tired?"

"What? Oh." She ran her hand absently over her top. "No, I..." she fidgeted nervously with the bedspread. "Remember when I said I had one more birthday present for you? Well, this is it."

I frowned. "Sorry, love, not sure I follow. What is it?"

Bella reached out her hand, and I took it without even thinking. She slowly brought my hand to her chest, placing it gently over her heart. When our eyes met, she smiled almost shyly. "Me."

**OoOoO**

**End Notes****: I know, I know, I'm totally evil for leaving it there. But I promise you, there will be all B/E interraction in the next chapter. Please don't hate me!**


	104. Chapter 104

A/N: Okay, let me start by saying this is a long-ass chapter compared to all the others, and I had originally planned to split it in two, but then I decided against it, suspecting that doing so would most likely get me killed. *lol* Seriously, I'm extremely nervous about this chapter, and I can only hope it won't disappoint. Thanks for all the reviews for the previous chapter, I just wish I had time to respond to you all.

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

When Alice asked me to follow her to her room, and all but dragged me up the stairs, I didn't really know what to expect. But when she closed the door behind her and turned to me, her expression a mixture of excitement and concern, I started to become somewhat worried.

I let out a nervous laugh. "Okay, what's going on?"

Alice wrung her hands, and I realized that for once, she wasn't sure of what to say or do. Normally, that wouldn't bother her - she would just blurt out the first thing that came to her mind, and the fact that she now seemed to be hesitating only added to my growing uneasiness.

Finally she let out a sigh and put on a smile, only it seemed to be somewhat strained. "I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to freak you out. It's just... well, I realized I just can't leave without making sure... I mean, I know it's not really any of my business, but-"

"Alice," I groaned, cutting her off in her ramblings. "Please, just get to the point. What's this all about?"

She was quiet for a moment, and when she spoke, she sounded nothing like the Alice I knew. "I don't know how to ask you this without making you angry at me. Trust me, that's the last thing I want."

"All right..." I was getting more confused by the minute. "Look, I promise to hear you out before I say anything, and I'll try not to get angry, unless you give me a really good reason. That's the best I can do."

"Sounds fair enough," she mumbled. "Okay, remember before, when I teased you about being sexually frustrated? It was stupid. But seriously, I didn't really think you and Edward were ready to take your relationship to the next level, if you know what I mean." She stopped with a shudder. "I assure you, this is the first and only time I will ever discuss either of my brothers' sexual life, because that's just... ugh!"

I couldn't help but smile, because she looked absolutely nauseated at the mere thought. "Fine. Just remember, you're the one who brought it up in the first place."

"I know, I know." Alice grimaced. Then she seemed to pull herself together enough to go on. "It's just that I saw the way the two of you were looking at each other downstairs, thinking no one would notice. Trust me, Bella, the sexual tension between you was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. You were practically undressing each other with your eyes, for crying out loud!"

"Oh my God! Alice!" I blushed furiously. "That's just... No! You're wrong."

_Liar, liar, pants on fire!_

When Alice just looked at me, clearly not the least bit convinced, I sighed in defeat. I couldn't blame her - I didn't believe me either. But I truly hadn't realized it at the time. I was hit by a horrifying thought - what if Alice wasn't the only one who had been observing me and Edward at the dinner table? God, how embarrassing!

"I'm not wrong, and we both know it." Alice smiled sadly. "Bella, please, don't misunderstand me. I'm so happy you and Edward are moving forward in your relationship. Really, I think it's wonderful. Just promise me you won't do anything you haven't really thought through. It's a very big step, for both of you." A pause. "Especially for Edward."

Even though I knew deep down that she was right, I felt anger bubbling up inside me. "Do you really think so little of me, Alice? Do you actually believe for a second that I would push Edward into something he's not ready for? My God, you make it sound like I'm planning to steal his virtue or something."

Her eyes widened and she shook her head. "Bella, that's not how I meant for it to come out. Dammit, I knew you'd take this the wrong way. All I'm saying is, don't do anything rash."

I gave her a cold look. "Trust me, I won't." She opened her mouth, but I wasn't finished. "Alice, I know you care about Edward, and I respect your opinion. But I don't think you're being fair to me right now. You know I love him. What did I ever do to make you doubt me?"

"I don't." She started to sound a bit annoyed. "Bella, you promised to hear me out, and frankly, you haven't. I'm not accusing you of anything. You're right - I do care about Edward. And I care about you, too. That's why I don't want you to do something you might regret later. But as long as you're both on the same page, I say go for it."

I blinked in surprise. "Did you just give me your blessing to... have sex with your brother?" We just looked at each other for a moment, and then, we both burst out laughing, almost hysterically. "Oh my God, Alice, this is just..."

"Too weird," she finished, nodding in agreement. "Let's never talk about this again."

"Agreed." I shook my head, the anger I had been feeling a moment ago forgotten. "Just let me say this. I don't know what's gonna happen tonight, with me and Edward, I mean. But I do know this. When - or if - we finally... go all the way, it will be because we both want to. You just have to trust that we're mature enough to know what we're doing."

"You're right. And I do." Alice got a look of determination her face. "Okay, don't freak out on me now." She hurried over to the small dresser next to her bed, pulled out the bottom drawer and grabbed something. Then, without warning, she threw a tiny object in my direction. I caught it without thinking, only to nearly drop it when it hit me what it was.

"Oh. Thanks." I was absolutely positive my face was beet red by now. "Um, no offense, but do you have a lot of these things lying around? I always thought it was the guy who..." I stopped as I saw her amused expression, and I started to feel like an idiot.

Alice giggled. "You know how your dad keeps sneaking little cans of pepper spray into your purse?" I nodded, rolling my eyes. She went on, her smile turning into a grin. "Well, my dad's a doctor. He keeps bringing me condoms. I asked him once if he actually expected me to use all of them. His face turned absolutely white, and he left the room without a word."

I grinned as well. Poor Carlisle. Maybe there were worse things than having a police chief for a father. At least Charlie was no doctor.

About five minutes later, I headed for Edward's room, only to find that he wasn't there. Deciding to just get inside and wait for him, I walked over to the couch and sat down. After a few minutes, it hit me that I might as well change into my pajamas. I grabbed my stuff from my bag and rushed to the bathroom.

Once I was in there, I brushed my teeth thoroughly, twice. Then I washed my face and made sure to remove all traces of make-up. Finally I ran a brush through my hair, relieved to find it still looked pretty good. When I was done, I went back to Edward's room, a little disappointed when he still hadn't returned.

I made my way over to the bed and sat down. Then I waited. And waited. Finally I heard the sound of footsteps outside the room, and my heart started beating faster. When the door opened and I saw Edward in the doorway, I couldn't keep the happy smile from spreading on my face. But somehow, I resisted the urge to jump up and run straight into his arms. "Everything okay?" I asked.

"Everything's great," he assured me, his eyes landing on me briefly before he closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to me. "Sorry for keeping you waiting. Carlisle wanted to talk to me."

I was about to ask something more, but his relaxed posture made me decide against it. I knew Edward well enough to know that if the talk had turned out badly, he wouldn't have been nearly as calm as he was right now. So I decided to just let it go, and smiled at him. "You were worth waiting for."

He smiled as well, only to frown as he seemed to take in my appearance for the first time. "Tired?" he asked then. I thought he sounded a little disappointed, but I couldn't be certain.

"What? Oh." At first, I didn't understand why he was asking, but then I remembered that I was sitting on the bed in my pajamas. Actually, sleeping had been the last thing on my mind, but I realized he couldn't possibly know that. "No, I..." Suddenly I was really nervous. What if I was pushing things too far? I took a deep breath. "Remember when I said I had one more birthday present for you? Well, this is it."

Edward looked confused, and I felt more self-conscious by the second. "Sorry, love, not sure I follow. What is it?"

Pushing my nerves to the back of my mind, I gently took his hand and brought it to rest over my heart. Our eyes met, and I managed a smile. "Me."

He let out a somewhat uncertain chuckle. "I thought you were already mine."

The way he said it told me he was partly joking and wasn't really as clueless as his words might imply. Still, I felt the need to assure him. "Of course I am. You know that."

Watching me closely for a moment, he then lifted his free hand to cup my face. "I do." He paused. "What are you saying, then? Do you want...?" his voice trailed off, questioningly.

"Actually..." I had felt so much more confident when I went over this in my head. Suddenly I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. Taking a calming breath, I went on, "I told you once I'll always want whatever you're willing to give me. Tonight is all about you, baby. When I said I'm giving you myself, I meant it literally. You can touch me, anywhere and anyway you want. Or... I could touch you."

For a moment, I just knew I saw lust flicker in his eyes. Then he shook his head, as if to clear it. "What if I want-"

"But it's completely up to you," I hurried to add, afraid of coming on too strong. "I mean, we've talked about... moving forward, but only if you're ready. No pressure. If you want to snuggle for a while, and then just hold each other for the rest of the night, then that's what we'll be doing. I'm happy just being with you. My gift to you is to make you happy as well."

"Bella, you always make me happy," he protested quietly. "And I know you wouldn't expect me to do something I'm not comfortable with. I was going to say..." His eyes bored into mine, and I could see the sincerity behind his words as he continued, "What if I wanted to do more than just touching?"

My eyes widened, and I didn't dare to hope I had understood him correctly. "Whatever you want," I promised, squeezing his hand still on my chest. "Just tell me."

Instead of responding, Edward leaned in and pressed his lips gently against mine. Then he pulled back a little, looking right into my eyes. "I want it all."

In that moment, I think I died.

"Are you sure?" I asked softly, half fearing he would change his mind, but I had to ask. He nodded. I swallowed. "What about your family? They won't come in here, will they?"

"No, Carlisle and Esme are the only ones home, and they won't disturb us." I nodded in understanding. He looked somewhat nervous. "So, um, how do we do this?"

I bit my lip, realizing he expected me to take the lead. I figured it made sense in a way, but the truth was, I didn't have much more experience than he did. Of course, Edward already knew that. At the back of my mind, a little voice whispered that we should probably talk this through properly before we went further, but I was certain talking too much would kill the mood.

My entire body ached for Edward to touch me.

I decided not to over-think things, and just do what felt natural. "Let's get under the covers," I suggested, smiling when he instantly agreed. I had to admit, he seemed more eager than I had expected. Not that I was disappointed - far from it. "You could start by removing my top," I told him in a voice I hoped sounded calmer and more patient than I really felt.

A part of me just wanted to rip it all off, but I wasn't stupid. The last thing I wanted was to rush things and risk making him uncomfortable.

"Beautiful," Edward mumbled, unable to take his eyes off my body. Normally something like that would make me feel embarrassed, but not today. Instead I felt loved. Treasured. He slipped his arms around me and I happily melted into his embrace. We were just lying there quietly for a minute or so, then he took my hand and brought it to the edge of his shirt. "Take it off," he whispered.

He sounded so determined that I resisted the urge to ask him if he was certain. After all, it wasn't the first time I had seen him without a shirt. As I slowly helped him slip the shirt over his head, Edward let out a somewhat unsteady breath, but when I glanced at him to make sure he was okay, he gave me a reassuring smile. "Bella, I'm fine."

"I love you," I murmured in response, pressing a soft kiss to his chest, and he closed his eyes for a moment.

"Tell me what to do." He sounded a little uncertain. I placed his hand on my stomach, wordlessly encouraging him to do a little exploring. He immediately took the hint and started moving his hand carefully over my upper body. I failed to hold back a soft gasp when he - after only a brief moment of hesitation - boldly cupped my left breast and started massaging it gently, all the while keeping his eyes locked on my face.

It felt so good, I couldn't keep the blissful smile off my face. Who would have thought he'd turn out to be a natural at this?

Clearly encouraged by my obvious approval, he continued, and I didn't miss the way he started breathing faster. I decided to make a bold move, and just hope I wouldn't mess up. "I'm going to take these off," I whispered, tugging gently on my pants. "Is that okay?" Edward merely grunted in acceptance, which I took as a good sign.

He happily continued his exploration of my body, and with the barrier of my pajama pants gone, his hands bravely started wandering lower. Then something seemed to occur to him and he tensed up, glancing at me. "You want me to take my jeans off now, or...?"

"Let's just wait a minute," I told him somewhat reluctantly, because I hadn't missed the sudden hint of fear in his voice. This was a huge step, and I wasn't going to push him in any way. Instead I snuggled closer to him, gently rubbing his back in a soothing gesture, and I could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest as our bodies were pressed together.

While Edward was still in his jeans, I only had my cotton panties on, and I tried to decide whether or not I would freak him out by offering to take them off. It surprised me a little, but the thought of being naked in front of him didn't scare me or made me feel embarrassed, like I had expected.

It was Edward, though, who ended up making the decision for me, as his fingers brushed hesitantly against the soft fabric of my panties. He gulped, and for a moment I was sure he was going to pull back. But he didn't. "Is this okay?" he asked, his fingers trembling against my skin, as if he wanted to move further, but didn't dare doing so without my permission.

"M-hm," I managed to get out. Then, to give him better access - and to show him I was absolutely okay with this - I silently slipped out of my last piece of clothing. It took just about all the strength I possessed not to grab his hand and place it between my legs. Instead I kissed him, first softly on the lips, and then I slowly moved on to his neck.

Edward let out a soft moan of pleasure, his grip tightening around me as he pressed his body even closer to mine. That's when I felt something rock hard against my thigh, and it hit me just how uncomfortable it had to be for him. "If you want, you can pull your pants down," I mumbled, nuzzling his neck with my nose.

"Help me," he said after a few seconds of hesitation, and I let out the breath I had been holding. Holding his gaze, just to look for any sign of fear or discomfort, I moved my trembling hand to unbutton his jeans. He briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then let go of me and shifted on the bed so he could pull them off.

So many thoughts had been running through my head, but all of a sudden, my mind was completely blank. All I knew was that I was in Edward's bed, in his arms, and we were both more or less naked. He still had his boxers on, but I figured it still had to be a huge relief for him to be out of those jeans. Not that I had much to compare with, but...

My God, he was huge! For a moment, I found myself fearing that he wouldn't fit. Then another thought hit me. I had heard enough stories to know that the first time could be very painful. How would Edward react if he noticed he was causing me pain? I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to that - he would freak out.

Feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dropped over my head, I pulled back a little, knowing I had to give him a warning of some kind. That's when I took in his appearance, and realized his body had gone rigid. Without thinking, I had slid my leg over his, and I felt myself pressed against his crotch.

"Bella, I..." he rasped, sounding almost like he was in pain, and I nearly pulled away in pure panic, certain I had crossed the line. But as if he had read my mind, he all but crushed me to him, keeping me from moving away. "I'm okay," he insisted in a strained voice, and I wasn't sure whether he was trying to convince me, or himself.

However, it was becoming painfully obvious to me that he wasn't. His entire body was trembling, and when I caught a glimpse of his face, I noticed he was white as a sheet. "Edward, we need to slow down. If you're not ready-"

"I'm ready," he cut me off, a stubborn note in his voice, and in one swift move, he rolled us over so he was lying on top of me. I got the feeling it was more his instinctive way of preventing me from going anywhere than an attempt of anything sexual, but I couldn't be absolutely sure. "I can do this," he insisted then, sounding almost angry, and that was when I knew I had to act before things got out of hand.

"Edward, stop," I told him firmly, and wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when he instantly froze in his tracks. For a moment, he seemed at a loss for what to do, and then he quickly scrambled off me.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," he gasped, his eyes running over me desperately, as if checking for any sign of damage. "What did I do wrong?" He sounded so scared, I nearly burst into tears.

I carefully took his face between my hands, trying to get him to relax and focus on my face. "Everything's okay, baby, just calm down." Waiting until I was certain I had his full attention, I then went on in a trembling voice, "You did nothing wrong, but don't you see? You're not okay, Edward, you're shaking. I know you said you're ready, but you're not. It's okay. Let's just..." I hesitated. "Come here."

Reaching out for him, I was happy when he immediately let me take him in my arms. His arms slipped around me and he rested his cheek against mine. It didn't take too long before I felt him relax, although his breathing was still a bit faster than normal. "Just give me a moment," he mumbled huskily, running a trembling hand through my hair. "Then we can try again."

I was about to tell him no, that there was no need for him to push himself so hard and that we had all the time in the world. That was when an idea hit me, and I decided to take a huge leap. "Actually, I was thinking we could try something else. You trust me, right?"

He nodded without hesitation, and I was relieved to see that some color had returned to his face. "You know I do."

"We don't have to go all the way tonight..." Seeing that he was about to object, I placed a finger softly over his mouth. "Just hear me out. I said I wanted to try something. If you don't like it, just tell me to stop, okay?" His eyes narrowed slightly, but he nodded in agreement.

"Okay..." Thinking quickly, I contemplated the best way to proceed, because I wanted Edward to feel that he had total control of the situation. My initial thought had been for me to lie on my back and ask him to straddle me, but I realized such a position might make him feel too exposed. I didn't think he would protest, being all too eager to please me, but I needed him to be a hundred percent comfortable.

He was clearly okay with being on top of me, but that wouldn't work this time. Oh well, he said he trusted me. With my mind made up, I instructed Edward to lean back against the headboard. Then I curled up against his side, pulling the covers up to cover both of us, and rested my head on his chest. His arm immediately went around me, and I placed my hand softly on his leg.

He sucked in a breath when my hand started moving, but he showed no sign of discomfort. Instead he closed his eyes, which made me bolder. After a couple of minutes of gently caressing his thigh, I let my hand slowly wander up a little, until I reached the edge of his boxers. Then I stopped, watching his face closely. He seemed calm enough, in fact, he didn't even open his eyes.

I opened my mouth, about to remind him again that he could tell me to stop at any time, but then at the last second decided against it. He already knew that. So I slipped my hand inside his boxers, my eyes never leaving his face, and very gently started stroking him.

For a moment, I felt him tense up, and his eyes snapped open. I didn't remove my hand, because I didn't see any real alarm on his face, only surprise. When I leaned in to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, he instantly relaxed again, and less than a minute later, he closed his eyes for the second time.

In that moment, I realized Edward trusted me completely, which caused my eyes to well up with tears, and I was glad he couldn't see me. He had assured me he trusted me on many occasions, but actions spoke louder than words. I started moving my hand a little faster, up and down, adding slightly more pressure to my grip.

Edward let out a gasp, his free hand clenching at his side. "Fuck, Bella," he all but whimpered, instinctively pushing his hips upward in response. "Don't stop," he pleaded then, breathing heavily. "Fuck, I can't..." a groan escaped him, as he was clearly incapable of finishing the sentence.

"I won't," I assured him, slightly out of breath as I kept stroking him. "You don't have to hold back, baby. Whenever you feel it, just let go." I knew he had to be close to coming, whether or not he realized it himself, and I wanted to make sure he knew it was okay.

"Bella...!" he moaned, and I could feel his cock twitch in my hand. Then his body jerked a few times, and the next thing I knew, my hand was all covered with his warm, thick semen, trickling between my fingers. Strangely enough, it didn't bother me nearly as much as I had imagined it would, and when Edward collapsed against me with a grunt and a final shudder, his face a picture of pure bliss, all I could do was smile.


	105. Chapter 105

**A/N****: I would like to say a huge thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. And a special thanks and welcome to my new readers. I just love reading all your thoughts and opinions. **

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

"Edward, are you okay?"

My eyes immediately went to Bella when she spoke my name, and I realized I must have zoned out for a moment. Her face was a mixture of hope and concern, and I opened my mouth to assure her, but all that came out was a tired chuckle.

Her posture instantly relaxed and a smile started to spread on her face. "Okay, I take that as a yes."

"Bella..." My voice sounded strange in my ears, and I shook my head in an attempt of clearing my head. "Don't move," I mumbled then, trying to tighten my hold on her, but my arms felt weak as fucking spaghetti.

"I'm not moving." She nuzzled my neck and let out a contented sigh.

"Good. Just... don't." I ran my hand lazily up and down her back. "Fuck, Bella, I feel..." I shook my head again, incapable of putting my dazed thoughts into words. The truth was, I couldn't remember ever feeling this relaxed before.

Once I had removed my jeans and felt Bella's naked body against mine, I told myself there was no turning back. I wouldn't back down, because I wanted to prove to myself - and to Bella - that I was ready for this. I realized Bella and I were about to have sex, and in that moment, I wanted it so fucking badly. There were no flashbacks, no cruel and harsh voices in my head. All that existed was me and my girl.

And then...

To be honest, I didn't know what had changed. I was pretty fucking nervous, which wasn't very surprising, but I had been convinced I would be able go through with it. I really enjoyed being so close to Bella, and being able to sense and touch every inch of her soft, warm skin felt so good. Everything felt just right. And then, just like that, I froze.

I refused to accept it, though. The thought of admitting defeat didn't exist to me, I'd be damned if I was going to let Bella - or myself, for that matter - down. I had made my decision and I was sticking to it - if I could do this, if I could go all the way and have sex with Bella, then James wouldn't have succeeded in breaking me completely. But for some reason, my body and mind had betrayed me at the last minute.

When Bella stopped me and confronted me about my behavior, I had to struggle desperately against the rising panic, because I was certain I had screwed everything up, only I didn't understand what I did wrong. But she managed to calm me down, as always, and then suggested we'd try something else. Having no idea what she had in mind, I still agreed without hesitation, willing her to see that I trusted her.

She slid her hand inside my boxers, shocking me at first, because it was the first time she had been bold enough to touch me like that. But it wasn't uncomfortable, hell, quite the opposite. Before I knew it, the most pleasant sensation started filling me from inside, and I was unable to do anything but close my eyes and just enjoy the feeling of her hands, stroking my hard cock gently but firmly, faster and faster.

I was only vaguely aware of my own voice, begging Bella to continue, and as she happily complied, the amazing sensation only grew stronger and stronger, until the point where it almost became painful - only in a good way - and I felt like I was going to burst. As if reading my mind, she told me to let go, and when I finally did, I thought I was going to explode. It was the sweetest fucking relief I had ever felt.

Afterward I just laid there, panting and waiting for my brain to start working again. It took at least a few minutes until I became aware of my surroundings, with the exception of Bella, who was not only wrapped around my body, but seemed to occupy every fucking cell inside my body as well. It was like she had literally become a part of me, and I felt nothing but peace.

Until the moment I felt the wet, sticky substance trickling down my legs, and was instantly brought back to reality. Bella must have felt me tense up, because she placed a gentle kiss on my chest, then pulled back a little, just so she could look into my eyes. "Wanna get cleaned up?" she asked softly.

It took about every ounce of willpower I had to fight back the revulsion threatening to well up, and I could only nod. I felt a desperate urge to rush to the bathroom, but I didn't want to just run off and leave Bella here. Suddenly I felt dirty, unclean, and I wasn't even sure why. "Need a shower," I managed to croak, silently begging Bella to understand.

She sat up, a somewhat worried look on her face, but she kept her hand steadily on my chest, as if knowing I needed the contact to remain in the present. I silently thanked her, not trusting my voice to hold.

"Okay, sure." Bella sounded calm enough, but I felt her hand shake slightly against my skin. It took a moment before I realized it was actually me. Her eyes never left my face as I all but jumped up from the bed, and she grasped my trembling, clammy hand in hers, her other hand fumbling over the bed in search for her scattered clothes. "Give me a second and I'll go with you, need to wash up a bit myself."

That was when it hit me that her hand was sticky as well. My eyes widened in horror and guilt, and I somehow managed to find my voice. "Fuck, Bella, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Edward, please..." Bella interrupted my frenzied apology, struggling to slip into her underwear with only one hand. Then she reached for her top. "I'm absolutely fine, and you have nothing to be sorry for. We'll talk about this when we get back, now let's just go freshen up. If you wanna use the bathroom down the hall, I can just use the one in the guestroom. That okay?"

"Yeah." Somehow I was able to pull myself together and find my t-shirt on the floor. Quickly pulling it over my head, I then allowed Bella to lead me out of the room. To my relief, I could feel the panic and anxiety slowly loosing its grip on me, and resisted the urge to come out as even more pathetic and ask Bella to come to the bathroom with me.

I tried to keep my mind from wandering into dangerous territory and just concentrate on getting clean as I scrubbed myself frantically in the shower, because the last thing I needed now was to have a fucking breakdown. Everything had been going so well, and I hated that it took so little to turn things around so completely. I pictured Bella's face in my mind, which luckily helped me finish my task successfully.

Bella was already back in my room when I finally left the bathroom, and I realized I had been in there for nearly twenty minutes. I started to feel guilty all over again, certain this wasn't how she had hoped to spend the rest of the evening - her sitting alone in my room waiting for me to compose myself.

She didn't look overly upset, though. Instead she gave me a soft smile, biting her bottom lip almost shyly and silently reached out her hand for me. Letting out the breath I had been holding, I quickly moved across the room and slumped down next to her. Somehow, I managed to give her a smile in return, although it probably looked more like a grimace. "Sorry for keeping you waiting. Again."

"You're forgiven." Bella snuggled up against me and I slipped my arms around her. "Just please don't leave me again tonight. I kinda feel like I'm only half a person when you're gone."

I could relate to that feeling. "I know what you mean. And I promise. Sorry."

"And no more apologies," she told me sternly, pointing her index finger at me.

I grabbed hold of her hand and kissed the tip of her finger, shaking my head in agreement. "I'll do my best."

"Thank you." Bella tilted her head slightly to the side, watching me thoughtfully. "You okay?" I just nodded, knowing another apology would most likely roll over my lips if I opened my mouth. She hesitated a little. "So, about before..."

My shoulders slumped. "Yeah... Guess you wanna know why I freaked out like that." I inwardly cringed, because while I knew I could tell Bella everything, this was still fucking embarrassing. Taking a deep breath, I looked away and went on, "Look, I've never... I mean, that was the first time I..."

Fuck, why did it have to be so hard to get the words out? It wasn't like it should come as a total shock to her that I had never fucking ejaculated before. I shuddered. While it had been more than pleasant at the time, it didn't erase the sickening feeling filling me afterwards, when the rush had worn off. And it had taken me a moment to figure out why I suddenly felt so disgusted and filthy.

Thankfully I hadn't had any visual flashbacks, my mind being too occupied enjoying Bella's... actions, but when I became aware of the warm wetness between my legs, it subconsciously reminded me of other times, years ago, when the same thick fluid had been flowing out of me, only it hadn't been my own.

There had been no pain or blood involved this time, which I figured was the reason why I hadn't suffered a full blown panic attack. I'd heard about people blocking certain horrible memories completely, leaving them blissfully unaware of whatever traumatizing events they had suffered, and I wished from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't remember anything from my time living with my mother and James.

Sadly, that was not how my mind worked. I remembered way too much, even though Angela seemed convinced there were still parts that my consciousness had blocked out. If that was true, I prayed they would stay buried for the rest of my life. What I could already recall was bad enough.

As much as I wanted Bella to understand, it was not a subject I wanted to talk about, especially right now. But when I finally managed to stutter out an at least somewhat coherent explanation, her reaction surprised me. But to be honest, I didn't know exactly what I had been expecting, because she was always so much more attentive and understanding than I gave her credit for.

"Thanks for telling me this. I do understand, and I have to admit the thought never occurred to me. I'm sorry. But Edward..." Bella hesitated, and I got the feeling she was looking for the right words.

She tentatively went on, "I've seen you 'freak out', as you put it, and this wasn't even close. Sure, I could see you were getting agitated, but you were able to control yourself, and you beat back the panic from getting a hold of you completely. Don't you see? That's huge."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again, allowing her words to sink in. She sounded so convinced that I had managed to avert a panic attack all by myself, and I had automatically been about to object, but suddenly I couldn't help but wonder if maybe she could be right after all. As foreign as the thought seemed to me, I couldn't deny that it was a most interesting theory.

Did this mean I was getting better? That I could learn to take control of my inner demons instead of letting them control me? I honestly wasn't sure, but it didn't keep me from getting my hopes up, if only just a little. Merely moments ago, I had felt myself spiraling downward, the familiar sense of shame and self-loathing dragging me down, but all of a sudden, I felt lighter. Hopeful.

"What are you thinking?" Bella sounded a little worried, and I realized more than a minute had passed, and I had yet to respond to her statement. Maybe she thought she had upset me, which couldn't be farther from the truth. It was just a lot to take in, and I guessed it made me a bit overwhelmed.

"I never thought of it that way," I admitted, raising my eyes to meet Bella's. "I mean, I noticed how I didn't black out or anything, although I was pretty freaked for a while, but I just assumed..." I shook my head, not knowing what to think. "You really believe I was able to fight it off, just like that? Think I could do it again?"

"I do." She squeezed my hand. "You're so much stronger than you think, Edward. I believe in you. I just wish you did as well."

Easier said than done, I thought, but I didn't say it out loud. Instead I just shrugged.

"You know, I'm actually kind of glad we didn't... go all the way," Bella confessed now, blushing a little. "I mean, it's the first time for both of us. There are certain things we haven't really thought about."

"Carlisle had a sex talk with me before I got up here." I don't know why I had just blurted that out, because that was not something I had planned to share. Her eyes widened, her already pink cheeks turning crimson. Rolling my eyes, I went on, "He went on about responsibility. Oh, and he said he wasn't ready to become a grandpa."

"Oh my God!" Bella let out a mortified groan, hiding her face in her hands. "I'll never be able to look him in the eyes again."

I gave her a smile I hoped would be reassuring, not wanting her to feel embarrassed - or uncomfortable the next time she ran into Carlisle. "Actually, he was pretty cool about the whole thing. Don't worry about it."

She removed her hands, giving me a skeptical look. "You absolutely sure about that? I don't want him to think badly of me, Edward."

"He won't, I promise." I sighed, not liking where this was heading. "I shouldn't have brought it up. Just forget I said anything."

Bella was quiet for a moment, then glanced at me, a hint of a smile playing at her lips. "You know, sometimes I wonder if your family has any psychic abilities or something. Remember when Alice wanted to talk to me before she left with Jasper?" I nodded, somewhat confused. She shook her head in amusement. "When she was done talking, she handed me a condom."

It was my turn to stare in disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Bella shook her head again, grinning sheepishly. I briefly closed my eyes, not sure whether to be horrified or just try to shrug it off. Then I decided on the latter. I figured it could be worse - it could've been Emmett. He would most likely make my girl feel a lot more awkward than Alice, and he probably wouldn't even feel bad about it.

I could suddenly see a most disturbing scenario playing out all too clear in my head - Emmett giving me a bunch of 'helpful' tips on how to make Bella feel special during the act. Maybe he even had some fucking article about it. To be honest, I wouldn't put it past him.

Bella's smile faded a little and I could tell she had something else on her mind. After a moment's hesitation, she asked in a small voice, "You did like it though, right? I mean, before...?" she left the rest of the sentence hanging, and I realized she was actually worried about my answer. Seeing my expression, she hurried to add, "It seemed like you did, but I've never really done anything like that before."

She could have fooled me, but her confession brought a smile of relief to my face. Don't think I would've reacted very well if she told me she used to do the same thing to that... Jacob. Stupid fucker.

"Trust me, I liked it." I brought my hand up to cup her cheek. "I love you." Her smile lit up her entire face.

"I love you, too." She was practically beaming now. Then she yawned, her face scrunching up. "Ugh. Guess I'm a bit sleepy. Sorry."

I realized I was starting to get tired as well. It had been a long - not to mention eventful - day. "Wanna get into bed?" Her eyebrows went up, and a soft giggle escaped her. I rolled my eyes and clarified, "To sleep, I mean." A part of me wanted us to stay up longer and cuddle, and the other part just wanted to curl up in bed and hold Bella tightly in my arms as we booth fell asleep.

Hell, both options sounded pretty fucking appealing to me. I would happily let Bella take her pick.

As if she had read my mind, Bella got an almost dreamy expression on her face. "Mm," she hummed. "Sounds good." She was back in her pajamas, and I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. Then again, I had gotten dressed after my shower as well, wearing the same t-shirt and sweatpants I always used as my sleeping attire.

Suddenly I found myself wondering if she would mind taking her pajamas off again, if I offered to do the same. I never slept without covering my body up - if it was really hot in the room, I would sleep in a t-shirt and boxers - but the thought of holding Bella all night with no barriers between us made me feel bold and daring. I wanted to feel her - all of her.

Again, I got the feeling she knew exactly what I was thinking, because she watched my face thoughtfully, biting her lip in that nervous way I had come to find adorable. Of course, I found most things about Bella fucking adorable. "It might be hot in here tonight," she mumbled, lowering her eyes.

I gulped and nodded, fearing my voice would break. "Was just thinking the same thing." She raised her head, hope shining in her chocolate brown eyes.

"Really?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper now.

With my mind made up, I pulled the t-shirt over my head again in a silent response to her question. Bella swallowed visibly before slowly moving to mimic my actions. My eyes never left hers as I wriggled out of my sweatpants, letting them drop to the floor. Then I took her in my arms.

"I love you so much," she breathed into my ear, laying her head to rest on my shoulder. Her arms slipped around me and she let out a blissful sigh.

"Love you, too," I echoed, smiling as a strand of her soft hair tickled my nose. It didn't take long before I felt myself starting to drift off. I struggled to stay awake, wanting to revel in this moment of pure perfection for as long as I possibly could. But it didn't take more than a few minutes before I reluctantly gave in, allowing sleep to claim me.

I slept peacefully for the rest of the night.


	106. Chapter 106

**A/N****: Those of you reading the Loner thread at the forum over at Twilighted know why I haven't been able to update sooner. I lost my baby twins almost a week ago, and I'm still struggling to come to grips with everything. Writing has been a grateful distraction, though, and since it helps take my mind off things, I hope to be able to deliver the chapters a bit faster than I have lately. To everyone who have showed me your support in the thread, and by emails and PM:s, please know that I appreciate it, even though I haven't responded.**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

Falling asleep in Edward's arms and then waking up in the same position the next morning was definitely something I could get used to. As he had yet to wake up, I took the opportunity to watch him shamelessly as he slept. He looked so calm and peaceful, like he had no worries in the world.

Last night had been close to perfect. I felt like Edward and I had shared something even more intimate than sex, and in a way, I supposed we had. Sure, he had gotten a bit agitated for a moment, which - as always - made my heart hurt for him, but he had handled the situation really well, all things considered, and he had been completely open about what was bothering him. I couldn't be more proud of him.

Finally we were getting somewhere. We were moving forward, and not even Edward could deny the progress he was making.

Suddenly he started to stir next to me, muttering something unintelligible, and pulled me closer. He buried his face in my hair and let out a humming sound, still sound asleep. In the next moment, his leg slid across mine, and I could feel something hard pressing into my thigh. I held my breath and went completely still, waiting to see if he would wake up.

"Bella..." he mumbled then, and when I dared to move my head slightly to the side, just so I could look at him, I noticed he was smiling in his sleep. Was he dreaming about me? It sure seemed that way. I realized I was smiling as well.

"Yes, Edward?" I whispered, not really expecting an answer. I ran one hand gently up and down his back, moving the other to play softly with his hair, and my smile widened when he subconsciously leaned into my touch.

"Don't let go," he murmured, his breathing picking up slightly against my neck, and I felt his plea tug at my heartstrings.

"Never," I promised, not sure whether or not he could actually hear me. I considered waking him up, but in the same moment, his eyes snapped open. For the first couple of seconds, he appeared to be a bit disoriented, blinking a few times, but then his eyes landed on me. "Good morning," I said softly.

"Morning," he echoed, his voice thick from sleep, and he watched me closely for a moment. Then I felt him tense up, and realized he must have just become aware of the intimate position we were in. But to my surprise - and joy - he didn't pull away from me. I could tell he was somewhat uncomfortable, though, and searched my mind for something to say to distract him.

"I need to use the bathroom." I blurted out the first thing that came to me, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. But it seemed to work, because Edward immediately looked a bit relieved, rolling off me to let me up. I wanted to kiss him, but the thought of morning breath made me self-conscious, and I made a mental note to myself to brush my teeth before returning to Edward's room.

Rushing to the bathroom down the hall, relieved when I didn't run into anyone in his family on the way, I washed my face and brushed my teeth, slowly and thoroughly. I was eager to get back to Edward, but decided to give him a moment, and waited patiently for a couple of minutes before finally leaving the bathroom.

Edward had just finished getting dressed when I got back to his room, smiling somewhat apologetically as I entered, and while a part of me was a little disappointed, I knew I should just be grateful we didn't get a repeat of the last time we woke up this way together. This time he had merely seemed a bit awkward, and now, after giving him a moment of privacy, he had clearly recovered.

The rest of the morning passed quickly. I knew Charlie had planned to go fishing today, not expecting to be back until late afternoon, which meant I didn't have to hurry back home. After breakfast, Edward and I went back to his room, where we spent the next two hours talking, listening to music, and - of course - ended up cuddling a little on the bed.

It was almost noon when Alice came knocking on the door, having obviously returned from Jasper's, and told us Esme had lunch ready. For a moment, I became uncertain and wondered if I should offer to leave, not wanting to wear out my welcome at the Cullens, but Alice assured me Esme had insisted that I stay.

We all had a nice lunch together in the dining room. When we had finished eating, Esme started clearing the table, politely declining my offer to help with the dishes. Carlisle cleared his throat and turned to me. "Bella, I thought you should know that I spoke to your father this morning, regarding our upcoming trip to Port Angeles."

I nodded in understanding, knowing Carlisle and my dad had been having regular conversations over the phone lately. At first it made me a little uncomfortable, not sure how to feel about the two of them discussing my relationship with Edward, but then I figured that if it would make Charlie more understanding and supportive, there was really no point in complaining.

As a result, my father rarely commented on my wishes to spend as much time with Edward as I possibly could, even though I knew he wasn't particularly fond of me spending the night at the Cullens so often. But again, he was kind enough to let me get away with it, especially after he and Carlisle started talking more. In a way, I was grateful.

Alice looked up at her father. "So, what time are we leaving?"

Carlisle got a confused look on his face. "What do you mean?"

She let out an impatient sigh. "Hello? Port Angeles, next week? Meeting Edward's... The person who shall not be named. What time are we leaving?" I felt Edward tense up slightly next to me at the mention of his birth mother, but he remained silent. Reaching under the table, I found his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm sorry, I..." Carlisle seemed to be at loss for what to say. "Alice, were you under the impression that we all are going? I never insinuated anything like that. It will just be me, Esme, Edward and Bella."

"You're kidding, right?" Emmett sat up straight in his seat, giving him a look of disbelief. "Do you seriously expect me and Alice to stay behind?"

Edward's eyes darted doubtfully between Emmett and Alice before he finally spoke up, "Why the fuck would you want to go?" There was no hostility in his voice, only surprise and confusion.

Emmett opened his mouth, but Alice beat him to it, "What do you mean, 'why'? Of course we'll be there. We won't let you go through this by yourself."

Carlisle shook his head. "Alice, I understand how you feel, but..." He stopped himself, turning his eyes to Edward. "This really shouldn't be my decision. I just assumed... Edward, how do you feel about this? Would you like Alice and Emmett to come along as well?"

Casting a brief glance at me, Edward then shrugged, looking somewhat frustrated. "Doesn't matter. Just want to get it the fuck over with." There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice, and I got the feeling he wasn't really as indifferent as he tried to let on.

"If that's how you feel, then why the hell are you doing this?" Emmett sounded incredulous. Alice kicked him under the table, but he ignored her. "I'm serious, I don't get it."

"Never expected you to," Edward muttered defensively, and I started to feel like I was imposing on a private moment, but couldn't bring myself to get up and leave.

"Emmett, you have no right to question his decision," Alice piped up in Edward's defense. "What I don't get is how _Dad_," she glared at her father, "expects us to just sit back and pretend nothing's out of the ordinary. Did it ever occur to you that we might want to be there and support Edward as well?"

Carlisle sighed. "Believe me, Alice - and Emmett, the same goes for you - it was never my intention to make you two feel left out. Let's just all be rational, and take a moment to talk about this. For things to go as smoothly as possible-"

"I'm sorry, Dad, but that's just bullshit." Emmett stood up abruptly. "This whole situation is crazy, and I don't understand how any of you can be so fucking calm about it." He glared around the room, as if daring anyone to object, and his eyes finally landed on Edward. "Please, explain it to me, because I'm at a complete loss here. Why do you want to meet her, after what she did?"

I watched how Edward's shoulders slumped, and he shrank back into his seat. "You don't have to understand," he mumbled, clearly uncomfortable. "It's just something I need to do."

"We know that, baby," I whispered, rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb as I gave Emmett a pointed look. "You don't owe us any explanation."

"I'm not the bad guy here, Bella," Emmett protested, clearly struggling to keep his voice calm. "I'm trying to understand, but I guess I'm stupid or something, because it makes absolutely no sense to me."

"Emmett..." Carlisle sounded perplexed. "We've been over this. Your brother wants closure, and I think-"

"Again, that's fucking bullshit!" Emmett cut him off angrily. "What good could possibly come out of seeing that heartless bitch? I can't sit here and listen to this crap!"

"Emmett, please, watch your language," Esme - who had just reentered the room - reprimanded softly. The tension in the room was palpable, which didn't go by her. "What's going on here?" she asked worriedly.

I glanced at Emmett, and was immediately taken aback by the fury in his eyes. While I had seen him angry before, this was something different, and I found myself wondering what was happening. His fists were clenched at his sides, so tightly they were trembling, and his face was getting more red by the second.

In that moment, he reminded me of Edward, when he was getting so worked up that the only outlet was for him to grab the nearest object and hurl it into the wall. But Emmett was normally a lot more composed than that. I was staring at him with wide eyes, and then realized I was not the only one.

Edward watched his older brother with a stunned expression, slowly raising his hands in front of him. "You can come if you want," he offered in a shaky voice. "Why are you so fucking pissed?" Esme opened her mouth, obviously about to say something, but then settled for giving him a mild look of disapproval, clearly finding no choice but to accept the fact that both her boys had a mouth like a sailor.

Emmett's face softened a little, although he remained standing, his stiff posture refusing to relax. "I... I don't..." he started, then stopped, uncertainty shining in his eyes.

The room had gone deadly silent. Finally Carlisle spoke up, softly, "Emmett, could I please talk to you for a moment in the other room?" I found myself holding my breath as the two of them left the dining room, no doubt heading for Carlisle's office.

Now there were only the four of us left - Edward, Alice, Esme and myself - and the awkward silence once again filling the room made me more than a little uncomfortable, but I flat out refused to be the first one to make any comments about what had just happened. And to be perfectly honest, Emmett's outburst was still a bit of a mystery to me.

"He has a hard time dealing with this," Esme finally admitted, a pained note in her voice. She slumped down on the empty chair next to Edward, and when her eyes met mine, she gave me an apologetic look. "We were supposed to have a nice, quiet lunch. I'm sorry." I tried to give her a reassuring smile, well aware that it came out a bit strained.

"At least we had finished eating," Alice offered helpfully, but not in her usual chirpy voice. When I looked at her, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. She took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, this time turned to Edward, I got the feeling she was struggling to keep her emotions under control. "We want to be there, too, Edward. Both Emmett and I. Don't you see? It's a family thing."

I lowered my eyes, knowing she meant to include me in that concept, but still feeling guilty. After all, I had been asked to attend this dreaded meeting between Edward and his mother, while Alice and Emmett had not. No wonder they felt pushed to the side and left out, although I still suspected there was more behind Emmett's reaction than just the hurt and offense of being excluded.

Edward swallowed visibly, and I could tell he was touched by Alice's words. "Okay," he simply whispered, and I knew he was still struggling to come to grips with the fact that other people cared about him. It seemed to be easier for him to accept these days, but I figured it would still take time, seeing how he had to get used to a whole new way of thinking and seeing things.

As for meeting Elizabeth - Edward had stopped referring to her as his mother some time along the way - I was most apprehensive. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, in fact, if Edward or anyone else had asked me not to come after all, it would have killed me, because I knew he would need me. Thankfully, his family seemed to realize this as well, as there had never been any question about my attending.

But I was still afraid of what seeing her after all this time would do to Edward. He kept insisting it was something he needed to do, and I tried my best to be understanding and supportive, but deep down, I couldn't help but fear that he was making a huge mistake. Of course, if this would help him move on, once and for all, it would hopefully be worth it in the end, just like I had told Angela.

I just couldn't stand the thought of him being hurt again in the meantime. Because I seriously doubted Elizabeth would give him the answers he was looking for. I could only pray I was wrong. After all, people could change, Edward being a living proof of that. But would the same go for his mother? And if she had changed, would it even mean anything?

Not to me, that was one thing I knew for sure. I knew in my heart that nothing Elizabeth could possibly do, or say in her defense, would change my opinion. I would never forgive her. How could I? Emmett was right - she truly was a heartless bitch. I could understand Edward's desire to just get it over with, and I hoped he was mentally prepared for what he was up against.

Because no matter what Carlisle said, I was almost completely certain there was no way things could go smoothly. This was bound to end badly.

Over the next couple of days, I kept waiting for Edward's nerves to set in, but for some reason, he remained seemingly calm. I was the one who was a nervous wreck, although I desperately tried to hide it. He already knew how I felt, and I didn't want my uneasiness to affect him in a negative way. The more relaxed and confident he was, the better, and the last thing either of us needed was for him to become edgy and start pushing me away again, even though he had promised it wouldn't happen.

My growing concern wasn't lost on him, though; the way he kept looking at me thoughtfully from time to time told me he was much more aware of my feelings than I would have preferred. But he wouldn't call me out on it, and I could only assume he was trying to keep a low profile and not start something that could lead to an argument between us. I couldn't blame him - he had enough to deal with as it was.

The night before the big confrontation - as I referred to it in my head - Edward and I were at my house, snuggling on the couch and watching a movie, even though I was having a hard time focusing. Charlie was working late, which meant that we had the house to ourselves, and normally that would make me thrilled. But tonight, I just couldn't stop fidgeting.

Finally Edward reached for the remote and switched the sound to mute. "I can't take it anymore. Are you gonna tell me what's bothering you, or do you plan to just keep pretend it's nothing?"

I sighed. "I think you know what's bothering me."

"Right." He was quiet for a moment. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't know, either," I admitted. "I'm just scared, Edward. Really scared. And I don't understand why you're not."

"Are you kidding?" he asked incredulously. "Of course I'm fucking scared, Bella. But if you expect me to have some sort of melt-down and freak out about it, it's not gonna happen. This was my choice all along, and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else. Besides, this time tomorrow, it will be over. Then she'll be out of my life for good."

The way his voice trembled slightly as he spoke told me he wasn't really as confident as he let on, but I chose not to confront him about it. More than anything, I wanted him to be right, but to be perfectly honest, I had my doubts. "Just remember that no matter what happens, I'll be there with you," I told him instead. "So will your family. You're not alone."

"I know." He pulled me closer and pressed a tender kiss to my temple. I laid my head down to rest on his shoulder and started running my fingers up and down his arm, not sure who I was trying the hardest to soothe with my actions - me or him. Edward let out a soft sigh and turned the sound back on, with that putting an end to our conversation.

Neither of us brought up the subject of his mother again that night. But after Edward had gone home and I was lying in bed, tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, I found that my troubled thoughts wouldn't leave me alone. Needless to say, it took a very long time before I finally fell asleep.


	107. Chapter 107

**A/N****: I just want to thank every single one of you who have showed me your support and expressed your sympathy over my loss, it means more to me than I can ever say in words. Even though it doesn't always feel that way, life goes on. Again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

"You okay?"

I looked up from my coffee, my eyes landing on Emmett in the doorway, and had to suppress a sigh. It was still early, and I had hoped for a chance to be alone for an hour or so before the rest of the family would come downstairs. Sure, I could've just stayed in my room, but I couldn't go back to sleep, and my craving for coffee had just been too strong to ignore.

Realizing he was expecting some kind of answer, I put my half empty cup down on the table in front of me with a shrug. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" When he didn't respond, I cast a glance in his direction, and found that he was looking at me with an expression that could only be described at skeptical. Very skeptical. This time, I did sigh. Loudly. "You asked. Don't know what the fuck you want me to say."

His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn't make any snarky comments. Instead he made his way across the room, heading for the coffee maker. "Is there any coffee left, or did you already drink it all?" I shrugged again, not bothering to answer. He was fully capable of checking for himself.

After pouring himself some coffee, Emmett hesitated for a brief moment before sitting down across the table. He cleared his throat. "Look, I didn't mean to come out as an ass yesterday. Are we cool?"

Seeing how I used to act like an ass most of the time, and seemed to be forgiven, I wasn't going to hold grudges. "Yeah, we're cool."

"All right." He looked relieved, although I got the feeling he had more on his mind, and raised a brow in question. Turning his attention to the steaming beverage in front of him, he was quiet for a moment before he finally spoke again, "You asked yesterday why I was so pissed. Can't you guess?"

I slowly shook my head, a little surprised. "Actually... no."

He huffed. "I lived a pretty sheltered life as a kid. Mom and Dad were always around, making sure Alice and I never had to miss anything. Guess you could say they were spoiling us, both with affection and material stuff. Not sure about Alice, but I just took it all for granted. It never really occurred to me that there were people out there who weren't as lucky."

Not really sure where he was going with this, I just waited for him to go on. Finally he did. "Nothing against Alice, but I always wanted a brother. Used to drop all these not so subtle hints around Mom, but when I started to notice it just made her look sad, I stopped nagging her about it. Then one day, Mom and Dad sat us down and explained that you'd be living with us. I was really excited. Not only would I get a brother after all, but he'd be almost my age. Yeah, I was over the moon."

I grimaced. "Sorry to be such a disappointment."

"No, that's not..." His expression turned apologetic. "I just assumed you'd be like me, you know - like the same things I did and all that crap. I had this whole vision of us hanging out, doing guy stuff. Gang up and tease Alice..." Something between a snort and a chuckle escaped me. "When it became clear to me that you weren't interested in any of that, I guess I just gave up. For someone wanting a brother as much as I did, I sure as hell failed to act like one."

"Don't do this." I looked away, feeling a bit uncomfortable. "No reason for you to beat yourself up over something that wasn't really your fault. I'm not stupid - I know I didn't exactly make it easy for you. Fuck, I was an intruder, moving into your house and making your life hell. Why should you have acted any differently?"

"I never thought of you as an intruder," he protested. "In my defense, I didn't understand where you were coming from, and you never gave me a chance to find out, to get to know you, but I should've tried harder. I realize it's a bit late to show remorse now - I've said and done things over the years that I can't take back, but you should know that to me, you are my brother. And that's why this is killing me."

"What is?" I raised my head to look at him. Somehow, Emmett and I had stumbled into one of the deepest, most serious conversation we had ever had, and while it was awkward in a way, I couldn't help but feel intrigued - I wanted to hear more, wanted to understand his side of the whole thing. I had a feeling it would change a lot of things.

He sighed. "Dad tried to explain to me why you need to do this. Seeing her, I mean. And I do understand, at least I do in some way, but I still don't like it." I opened my mouth, but he hurried on, "I know it's not up to me - Alice was right about that - but I can't help it. Just thinking about what she did..." his voice trailed off, and I could see anger flash in his eyes.

"Well, technically, she didn't do anything," I muttered, well aware of the bitterness in my voice.

"Exactly," was his response, causing me to frown. "She should've done something, but she didn't. That's why I'm so fucking pissed. That bitch doesn't deserve a minute of your time. She should be fucking dead to you."

I blinked, not sure how to respond to that. A part of me was surprised I was able to just sit here and have this discussion, with Emmett of all people. In a way, I could see his point, and I would be lying if I said I didn't agree with him, at least on some level. But it stunned me to realize he felt so strongly about this.

That's when I knew I wanted him and Alice there today, along with Bella, Carlisle and Esme. It had taken me a hell of a long time to see it, but they truly were on my side. All of them. And it felt fucking good. I took a deep breath, and looked him right in the eyes. "She _is_dead to me. And it's about fucking time I tell her."

Understanding flashed across his face, and he nodded in acceptance. "Yeah, I get it." A pause. "You know, I really do want to come today. Alice too. But if you don't want us to be there, I'm not going to hold it against you. It's totally up to you. Just..." he hesitated, "...give me a chance to be a brother."

I fought to speak around the lump forming in my throat, getting a hell of a lot more emotional by his selfless request than I would ever admit out loud. "Yeah, I... I'd like that. You can come, both of you."

The relieved and happy grin on his face spoke volumes, and there was really no need to say anything else.

The rest of the morning passed in a rush. Everyone seemed kind of nervous around me, but clearly struggled not to let it show. Bella showed up just past noon, looking pale and tired, but she still gave me a smile that made me feel all warm inside, slipping her arms around me and holding on like she never wanted to let go. I wouldn't have any problem with that.

Since we wouldn't all fit in one car, it was decided that Alice and Emmett would take Emmett's jeep, so that Bella could ride with the rest of us. Not sure why, but the drive to Port Angeles seemed to go a lot faster than usual, and before I knew it, Carlisle had already parked the car and turned off the engine, stating we had arrived at our destination.

Somehow, for the last couple of days, I had managed to avoid thinking too much about what was coming, pushing it all to the back of my mind, but as soon as we entered the building and headed for Angela's office on the second floor, it all hit me with full force. I was just about to face my mother, for the first time in seven years. And surprisingly I wasn't scared, nor nervous. If anything, I just felt numb.

We were supposed to see Angela alone at first, before _she_would join us. Carlisle had explained that it was Angela's idea, that it would give her a chance to meet us all together as a family and be able to answer any questions or thoughts we might have before it was time for the confrontation. I figured it made sense.

Although we were a bit early, it only took a few minutes before the door to the office opened, and Angela greeted us with a soft smile, asking us to step inside. Once we were all seated, and Alice and Emmett had been introduced to Angela, she folded her hands in her lap and watched us all with a serious expression on her face.

"It's nice to finally see all of the Cullen family together," she started calmly. "Emmett and Alice, it's the first time we meet. How do you feel about being here, under these circumstances?"

Casting a brief look at Emmett, Alice spoke up, "It feels right, but not necessarily good. Does that make any sense?"

"Absolutely," Angela assured her. "You have all come here today to support Edward, but it's important to remember that this is a new and stressful situation for all of you. That's why I want to point out that your thoughts and feelings matter as well. You have every right to express your emotions and voice your concern in this room. In fact, I insist for all of you to be as open as you can, and not hold back."

"What does that mean, exactly?" Emmett wanted to know. "Is it allowed to yell and curse and stuff, or is that against the rules in here?"

The corner of Angela's mouth curled slightly upward. "I doubt any profanities you could come up with would surprise me, seeing how I've most likely heard it all before." Emmett snorted, but seemed somewhat impressed by her answer. I just rolled my eyes.

"What about violence?" Alice asked in a low voice. "Is that okay as well? Can I slap her or something?"

"Alice..." Esme began, a hint of disapproval in her voice, but Angela raised a hand to stop her.

She turned back to Alice. "I'd rather you didn't. Also, it might be a good idea to try and keep any possible name-calling to a minimum." A pause. "I sense a lot of hostility towards Elizabeth, from both of you." Her eyes went from Alice to Emmett. "Am I correct? Is there anything you'd like to share with the rest of us before she gets here?" They both stayed silent, throwing helpless looks at each other.

I tuned them all out and glanced at Bella who was sitting next to me on the couch, holding my hand tightly in hers. She looked tense, apprehensive, and I couldn't exactly blame her. It hit me that the room seemed overcrowded already, and I found myself wondering how it would be when _she_showed up.

I realized a part of me sort of wished she wouldn't. At the same time I wanted to confront her, demand some answers. I knew I probably should be a lot more anxious than I was, but I still felt next to nothing, except a longing for it all to be over and done with. Like Carlisle had said - I wanted closure. And it looked like I was about to get it.

Bella nudged me softly, and I gave her a look of confusion before I heard Angela patiently call out my name, and realized she had been speaking to me. "Sorry. What?"

"You haven't said anything so far. Mind telling us what's on your mind?" Angela watched me expectantly. I just shrugged, not sure how to respond. She leaned forward in her seat. "Edward, you're about to face your biological mother. I can tell you have a lot of love and support in this room, but there's still a most sensitive and intense confrontation about to take place. Are you ready for this?"

"Sure," I responded automatically, not really taking her question under consideration. It wasn't like I had any choice - I had to be. After all, all I had to do was see her. Talk to her. She was no threat to me. I still felt almost eerily calm, and deep down, it kind of bothered me. I should be freaking out, but I wasn't. This numbness didn't seem completely healthy to me, but at the same time, I welcomed it.

Sometimes it was just so much easier not to feel. I knew this from experience.

I was vaguely aware of Carlisle speaking up, asking Angela something, but I didn't really listen. As much as I tried to imagine _her_- my mother - on the other side of the door, the mere thought seemed surreal to me. Maybe that was the reason I wasn't panicking. Maybe on some level, I didn't believe this meeting was actually happening.

Was she really here? Honestly, why would she be? She didn't care about me. Maybe she was dead to me now, but I had never meant a fucking thing to her. She should have protected me, but I clearly wasn't worth the effort. She owed me this. She owed me fucking answers. Then she could drop dead for all I cared.

"Just remember, son, we're here on your terms." Carlisle's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I turned to look at him. "At any time, if it gets too much for you, just say the word, and we're leaving. I understand why you feel you need to do this, but you can always change your mind. You don't have to go through with it." He looked at Angela for support, and she nodded in agreement.

"I can handle it," I told him sourly, wishing he would just drop it. I wasn't stupid - I knew there was no one forcing me to do this.

"Do you know what you want to say when she gets here?" Angela asked. I mumbled a 'sure', shrugging nonchalantly. She studied me closely for a moment, and I stubbornly held her gaze.

"If you want your family to step outside at some time during the meeting, just say so," she continued. "I will remain in the room, but I'm going to stay in the background, and I won't listen in to your conversation if you ask me not to. You have the right to privacy, if that's what you want." As I just grunted in acknowledgment, I felt Bella tense up next to me, and knew she wouldn't leave without a fight.

Obviously understanding that I wasn't going to say anything more, Angela finally nodded in acceptance. "All right, I'm going to call Elizabeth in here. Excuse me for a moment." She got up and headed for her desk, and pressed a button on the intercom. A low, buzzing sound could be heard.

This was it. I looked around the room, noting how pale and uneasy everybody looked. Maybe they were hoping I would change my mind, so _they_wouldn't have to go through this. Well, too bad. I hadn't asked any of them to be here, at least not before they had offered. Except for Bella, though. I cast a glance at my girl, who looked ready to pass out.

As I squeezed her hand, our eyes met, and I saw shame flash across her face. I held back a sigh, knowing she wanted to be strong for me.

"Send her in, please," I heard Angela say, and I sucked in a breath as I turned my eyes to the door, waiting expectantly for it to open.

People's appearances could change a lot in seven years, and more than once, I had wondered if I would even recognize her when I saw her. Several times lately, I had tried to picture my mother's face in my head, but the only image I would get was of her back, as she walked away from me. I had never told anyone about that - for some reason, it made me feel ashamed. I wasn't really sure why.

I don't know what I had been expecting, but I still felt no fear or anxiety as the door slowly opened, and Elizabeth stepped into the room. My first thought was that she looked old, much older than I had imagined. Her eyes were the same, but at the same time, different. I found myself unable to look away.

Angela quickly took command of the situation. "Hello, Elizabeth. Please, have a seat. I'm Dr. Angela Weber, and as you know, I've been asked to supervise this meeting. Before we start, do you have any questions?" She shook her head, and it hit me that she had yet to look directly at me. For some reason, it made me angry, and my eyes bore into her, willing her to face me. But she kept her eyes on Angela.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Elizabeth. It's been a long time." She turned to look at him. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, knowing they were waiting for some kind of reaction. I opened my mouth, only to find that no words would come. My heart started beating faster, and it took a moment before I realized I had started squeezing Bella's hand much tighter. I vaguely heard Angela introducing everyone.

And then, for the first time, Elizabeth spoke up, my name rolling over her lips. "Edward?"

It was her voice - so achingly and hauntingly familiar - that finally snapped me out of the daze. Just like that, I was brutally forced back to reality. And it all came crashing down on me.


	108. Chapter 108

**Bella**

Edward's behavior of late bothered me. He seemed so eager to convince everyone he was ready to face his mother, and I didn't have the heart to express my doubts. It wasn't that I didn't believe in him - he obviously thought he was ready - but I feared he was subconsciously pushing his true feelings aside in order to protect himself. It wouldn't be the first time.

More than once, I had considered going to Carlisle and ask for his opinion on the matter, but every time I went to him, I sort of felt like I was going behind Edward's back, even though I only had his best in mind. So, in the end, I had forced myself to let it be, telling myself to just have faith in Edward.

I had tried to imagine how meeting Elizabeth would play out, wanting to mentally prepare myself, but the whole situation felt unnatural, to say the least. It seemed so strange, the idea of me, Edward and the rest of his family, sitting in Angela's office and having a conversation with Edward's biological mother. I wondered how she would act around us. This had to be hard for her as well, not that I actually cared.

But when Elizabeth entered the office, I quickly pushed all thoughts to the back of my mind and focused on Edward's reaction. I had to admit he surprised me at first - appearing to be completely indifferent as he simply watched the woman in front of him with a blank expression on his face. But when Angela started talking, I noticed a slight change in his behavior.

The way he tightened his grip on my hand until the pressure became painful was a safe sign of his growing agitation, and I could hear his breathing picking up, but I struggled to remain calm. As much as I wanted to drag Edward out of the room and save him from all this, I knew it wasn't my place. This was something he needed to do, and all _I_ could do was to just stay close and support him.

And even more importantly - be there to pick up the pieces when it was all over.

The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and the temperature seemed to have dropped several degrees, although I suspected that was just my imagination. As Elizabeth finally addressed Edward, I watched how all color left his face, and he started shaking. I half expected him to jump up and bolt, but he remained where he was, as if frozen in shock.

"Edward?" I tried, placing my free hand on his arm, but he made absolutely no sign of acknowledgment. Instead he just kept staring at her with wide eyes, all the while gasping rapidly, as if struggling for air.

As my eyes were locked on Edward, I couldn't see the expression on Elizabeth's face, but when she spoke again, I didn't miss the confusion in her voice. "What-what's wrong with him?" she asked nervously, causing me to see red, and I just wanted to run over there and punch her. Of course, I couldn't, because then I would have to move away from Edward, and that was just not acceptable.

It turned out that I was not the only one infuriated by her thoughtless and ignorant question. "There's nothing _wrong_ with him, you stupid bitch!" Emmett growled, jumping up from his seat and moving across the room, effectively placing himself between Edward and Elizabeth, in an attempt to protect his brother. In that moment, I just wanted to hug him.

Carlisle acted quickly, crouching down in front of Edward and placed both hands carefully on his knees. "It's all right, son, just breathe. We're all here, you're okay. Do you hear me?"

I heard a soft sniffle and raised my head, my eyes landing on Esme who covered her mouth with her hand, as if to keep from crying. Alice was sitting straight up in her seat, her hands gripping the armrests, and I could tell she wanted to move closer to Edward as well. Angela remained silent, quietly observing the scene playing out in front of her. I couldn't decide whether to be relieved that she was acting so calmly about the whole thing, or upset that she wouldn't do anything.

Swallowing hard, I raised my hand to cup Edward's cheek, gently turning his head in my direction. At first he just seemed to look straight through me, his eyes glassy and unresponsive. I spoke his name softly, my voice cracking, and after what felt like an eternity, he finally inhaled sharply and blinked a couple of times. I nearly cried in relief when I realized his eyes were now focused on me.

"Bella?" he whispered hoarsely. A single tear slid down my face as his cold and trembling hand flew up to grab mine, still on his cheek, and he pressed his face harder into my palm, as if wanting to make sure I wouldn't pull away and break the contact. He was still shaking, but at least his breathing was coming out more even and steady.

"I'm right here, everything's okay," I murmured soothingly, leaning in to rest my forehead against his. His eyes closed briefly, and he took a couple of deep breaths. Then I watched how he frowned and pulled back slightly, turning his head to look at Carlisle, who was still kneeling on the floor in front of him.

"Are you feeling better, son?" Carlisle asked softly, not quite able to keep the concern out of his voice. "Do you need to get out of here?"

Edward shook his head slowly, his hands still grasping mine, only slightly less tightly than before. "I'm okay," he mumbled. Then he raised his head, his eyes searching the room until they landed on Elizabeth, who was sitting stiff in her chair, awkwardly wringing her hands in her lap and keeping her eyes downward. But she must have sensed Edward's gaze, because suddenly she looked up.

In that moment, I was almost certain I saw pain in her eyes. Had it been anyone else, I might have felt bad for her. As it was now, I couldn't bring myself to care. She would never get any sympathy from me.

Angela suddenly spoke up from across the room, "Elizabeth, Edward suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Are you familiar with that term?"

Elizabeth glanced at her for a moment, then turned back to Edward. Slowly she nodded. "I know what that is." Edward tilted his head to the side as she spoke, but remained silent. Luckily, he seemed calmer now than he had been a couple of minutes ago, although I could tell he was not completely relaxed, not that it surprised me.

Carlisle stood up and returned to his place on the couch, on Edward's other side. I noticed that Emmett remained standing in the middle of the room, looking conflicted as his eyes darted between Edward and Elizabeth, as if not sure what to do. Carlisle noticed this as well, and let out a sigh. "Emmett, it's all right. You can sit down." Edward's eyes turned to his brother, and I could see confusion on his face.

Emmett hesitated for a moment, obviously still torn, but finally obeyed and slumped back down on his chair next to Alice. The two of them exchanged a look, and she reached out to pat his arm. It wasn't lost on me how he kept glaring at Elizabeth, and I hoped Edward realized what a fierce protector he had won in Emmett.

Almost a minute passed in awkward silence before Elizabeth spoke again, her voice low and uncertain. "You look..." she hesitated, studying Edward with an almost wary look on her face, "...good. All grown up."

I cast a look at Edward, half expecting him to ignore her statement. But he surprised me by responding, his voice cold. "It's been seven years. What did you expect?"

She looked taken aback, but I had to give her some credit for not backing down. "So, how are you?" I watched how his eyes narrowed and held my breath as I waited for his answer, and I had a feeling everyone else in the room did the same. A part of me expected him to start yelling at her any moment, knowing it wouldn't take much to set him off.

Edward's voice trembled slightly as he responded, matter-of-factly, "Fucked up. You?"

Elizabeth blinked in surprise, quickly glancing around the room. Her mouth opened and then closed again, as she was clearly at a loss for words. Finally she seemed to find her voice again, although she kept her eyes on her hands. "I've been better," she admitted quietly. A pause, and then, "To be honest, I'm surprised you wanted to see me after all this time."

This time Edward didn't respond, instead just watching her apathetically, and I feared he was slipping away again. That was when Angela once again reminded us all of her presence, and I was relieved when Edward immediately turned his eyes to her as she addressed him, "Edward, you had some things you wanted to say to Elizabeth. Here's your chance."

**OoOoO******

**Edward**

This was not how I had imagined this meeting to turn out in my head. I was going to face my mother once and for all, demand that she explain why she never lifted a finger to stop James from hurting me all those years, but the moment she opened her mouth, I just froze. And now, to my horror, as much as I tried to force the words, _any_ words out, my mind seemed to have gone completely blank.

It suddenly hit me that I didn't feel comfortable speaking my mind in front of my family, no matter how good it felt to have them here by my side. I couldn't ask her why she had allowed James to do those things to me, because I didn't want them to hear her say what I had feared all along - that I deserved it. The shame and humiliation would destroy me for sure.

I struggled against the panic threatening to well up and overwhelm me, and I felt a desperate urge to get up and run. But I knew that was not an option. I threw a pleading look at Bella, silently begging her to help me, even though I already knew she couldn't. Nobody in this room could. This was not their battle to fight - it was mine. And I was losing.

How did I ever fool myself into thinking I could actually go through with this? I was obviously nowhere near strong enough. It was pathetic, and I hated myself for it. But I just couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and confront her. I had been so certain I could do it, but now it seemed like I was wrong.

My eyes were stinging with tears of anger and self-loathing, but I flat out refused to let them fall. The truth was, I would rather die than break down and cry in front of _her_. I may not have much dignity left, but I'd be damned if I would ever let her see me fall apart like that. In fact, the mere thought of her witnessing me at my weakest made me feel sick to my stomach.

I felt Bella's arm discreetly slip around my waist, as if she could sense I was in a desperate need of contact, and I gratefully leaned into her touch, eager to accept the comfort she was offering. She always knew just how to make me feel better, but as much as I wanted to just curl up in her arms and beg her to make it all go away, I knew it was impossible.

More than anything, I wanted - hell, _needed_ - to be strong and stand up for myself. But I just didn't think I had it in me. It made me both depressed and furious at the same time.

I was taken off guard when Elizabeth suddenly spoke again, and judging by her stiff posture and downcast head, I got the feeling she felt every bit as awkward as me. "Can Edward and I talk alone for a moment?" she asked, giving Angela a hopeful look. Angela opened her mouth, but was interrupted before she got the chance to respond.

"Absolutely not!" Esme exclaimed loudly, causing me to frown as she rarely raised her voice. When I turned to look at her, I was surprised by her furious expression.

"Esme..." Angela started, but was once again cut off, this time by Elizabeth.

"I just thought it would make things a little less uncomfortable for all of us," she explained in a strained voice.

Esme gave her a hard look, causing her to shrink back in her seat. "Frankly, Elizabeth, my family is not the problem here. Things are only uncomfortable because of you, and you're delusional if you think for one second that I would ever leave you alone with my boy." I noticed how Carlisle leaned over to take her hand, mumbling something in her ear, and she closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, they were shining with tears.

As I looked around the room at my family, I could sense the same feeling of pain and helplessness in all of them, and I knew then that I had their full support, no matter what. Elizabeth was the outcast here, not me. They all resented her because of her actions, and none of them would hesitate to come to my defense if I needed it. In that moment, I knew what I had to do.

"I'll talk to her. You can all wait outside." I realized I sounded more confident then I really was, which was actually a relief. Esme opened her mouth, no doubt about to object, but I held up a hand to stop her, silently begging her to understand. "It's okay. I need to do this. Just give me ten minutes with her. Then we can all go home."

"Are you sure?" Carlisle asked softly. I nodded. "Well, it's up to you, son. If you're absolutely certain that's what you want, then we won't stand in your way." He paused. "Angela will stay, though. And we'll be right outside." Despite his words, I could tell he was reluctant to leave, but I was grateful he was being so understanding.

Esme still looked close to tears, but she finally seemed to accept my decision, because she didn't protest again. Alice and Emmett didn't look pleased either, but they both remained silent. I didn't miss the hateful glares they kept sending Elizabeth, and I knew they didn't want to leave anymore than Carlisle and Esme did. And yet, none of them put up a fight. They knew my mind was made up.

Bella was a different matter, though. I hadn't expected her to just accept things and agree so easily, and I wasn't disappointed by her reaction. She moved so close to me that she was nearly in my lap, clinging tightly to my hand, and stubbornly raised her chin, declaring, "Well, I'm not going anywhere."

A part of me almost gave in, asking her to stay. I didn't doubt for a second that I would feel much more safe and calm with her in the room, but I also knew that I couldn't have Bella protect me forever. It wouldn't be fair to either of us in the long run. If I ever wanted to become a whole person, I needed to face my fears, by myself.

So I took a deep breath, and looked her right in the eyes. "No, Bella, I need you to go outside with the others. It's not that I don't want you here, but I have to talk to her alone. Please understand. I promise, I'll be okay." I wasn't sure which one of us I was trying the hardest to convince, but it didn't really matter. While I was still scared, I was also determined. I was going to finish this, once and for all.

Then I would never have to see or speak to my mother again. And hopefully I would finally be able to move on with my life. It was a long shot, and I knew it. But it was all I had.

Bella swallowed visibly, and I could see the conflict in her eyes. She bit her lip, and when she finally spoke, her voice was trembling. "Okay. I understand. But…" She swallowed again. "I don't want to leave you," she whispered then, her pained expression telling me that it killed her that I wouldn't let her stay. I knew she would leave, though, because I asked her to. And she would do anything for me.

"I know you don't," I told her quietly. "Just be there when I'm done?" She nodded without hesitation, and I leaned in to brush my lips against hers. For a few seconds, I felt like Bella and I were the only two people in the room. Possibly in the whole world. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the moment didn't last very long.

I kept my head down as they all - except for Angela and Elizabeth - rose and left the room, refusing to look at anyone, because I feared that if I did, I would lose my courage and beg them to stay. When I heard the door close gently behind the last one of them, I silently counted to five before raising my head again.

Then I turned to Elizabeth, willing my voice not to betray me by trembling. "Do you have anything to say to me?" I noted that Angela had gotten up and moved to the far side of the room, clearly in an attempt to give us some privacy.

"Honestly, I'm not really sure what you want from me." Elizabeth ran her fingers nervously through her hair, and I realized it was getting thin and grey by her temples. It hit me again how much she seemed to have aged since I last saw her, and yet she could only be in her early forties. But she looked worn out and tired. She sighed. "I was never fit to be a mother. I'm sure you've been better off without me."

I blinked in surprise at her statement, having not expected her to be so blunt about it. For some reason, it made me angry. "Fucking right, I have," I muttered.

"I realize things got out of hand." She was quiet for a moment. "Would it make you feel better to know I've been miserable for most of my adult life? Some days I could barely bring myself to get up in the morning. There were times when I wished I could have done more, but it was just too hard. In the end, I think it all worked out for the best. For you, anyway."

"Excuse me?" I stared at her in disbelief.

"You got away." She paused. "Dr. and Mrs. Cullen gave you a new home, a new family. I, on the other hand, ended up losing everything. You can't imagine what it was like."

"Are you fucking serious?" I jumped up from the couch. "You want my sympathy, is that it? Think I got away easy? Your asshole of a husband beat me up and fucking raped me for years! And what the fuck did you do? Nothing!" I stood there, panting, with my fists clenched, and it took a moment before my words had registered in my head. Elizabeth looked absolutely stunned by my outburst.

I was vaguely aware of Angela moving towards me, but was still a bit startled when she spoke, "Edward, take a deep breath and try to calm down. You have every right to be angry, but remember, if you want answers, you need to be able to listen to Elizabeth's side of the story." She turned to Elizabeth. "Edward has a lot of built up anger inside, and it's directed at you. Do you understand why?"

"I..." Elizabeth wrung her hands, looking everywhere but at me. "I suppose he blames me... for what my husband did. But I swear, I never encouraged him. James was..." She swallowed. "I guess Edward brought out the worst in him. They never got along. I don't know why."

"Are you fucking stupid?" I growled incredulously. "You know what he did to me! You were there!"

My voice cracked, much to my horror, but it didn't stop me from continuing, "You let him hurt me, again and again, and you never once came to check on me when he was done. He said I deserved it because I was bad, and you never told me otherwise. For all I know, you agreed with him. But I never knew what I did wrong. So, tell me! What did I ever do to deserve that?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "You didn't deserve to be treated like that. He insisted you kept provoking him, and I..." She hesitated. "I was weak. It was easier to just look the other way."

"Yeah, easier for you!" I glared at her. "You never did a fucking thing to stop him. And now you say I didn't deserve it? If that's so, then how the fuck could you live with yourself? How could you not care?"

She lowered her eyes. "I don't know what you want me to say. What he did was wrong. I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I demanded, running on pure adrenaline now, and I knew that if I stopped to think, even for a moment, the raw fury inside me would simply consume me. "Sorry for never giving a fuck about me, or for letting that bastard break me beyond fucking repair, just because he got off on causing me pain? He had no right to hurt me, and you had no fucking right to let him! It was never my fault!"

It was never my fault. The words echoed in my head and I fell silent, allowing them to sink in. In that moment, I knew it was the truth. James was the bad one, not me. It had never been me.

Suddenly, I didn't need to hear anymore. I didn't care what she had to say for herself, and I certainly didn't want another meaningless apology. My mother had never cared about me. It was a simple fact. But it wasn't because I was bad. She was sick, screwed up in the head. Even now, after all this time, she was partly living in denial. I had to agree with her on one thing, though. I was better off without her.

Elizabeth said something, to me or to Angela, but I had stopped listening. Now I just wanted to go home. Maybe there were still things left unsaid, but it didn't matter. I was done, and now I was going to turn my back at my so called mother, leave her behind me and not look back once.

This time, she would get to watch me walk away, instead of the other way around.


	109. Chapter 109

**A/N****: Tissue warning on this chapter. Just saying.**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

"Why don't you sit down, Bella?" Carlisle suggested softly. I didn't want to sit, but I got the feeling he feared I might burst through the door and run back into Angela's office at any moment, so I held back a sigh and complied, just to appease him. As I was too worried and agitated to sit still, I kept fidgeting in my seat.

When I raised my head, I found myself looking into Carlisle's sympathetic eyes. "Edward will be okay," he told me quietly. I just nodded, praying he was right. He went on, "You know, I was actually hoping for this. I wasn't sure he'd gather enough courage to face her by himself, but I'm glad he did."

"Well, I don't like it," Esme stated from her seat next to her husband, and I turned to look at her. "Just the thought of him alone in there, with that horrible woman..." She shook her head. "Carlisle, please tell me we did the right thing by leaving." I could tell she was on the verge of tears, and I didn't blame her. I felt like crying myself.

"It was the right thing," he assured her, gently patting her hand. "And he's not alone, remember? Angela is in there with him."

"But she's not family," Alice protested, crossing her arms over her chest. "I mean, she seems nice and all, but she's practically a stranger."

"To you, yes, but not to Edward," Carlisle reminded her. "He's been seeing her for quite some time now, and he's comfortable with her. And she's fully capable of handling this." He paused. "In fact, Angela opted for this all along. She knew he wouldn't be able to confront Elizabeth with the rest of us in the room, and frankly, I felt the same way. But we agreed it had to be his decision."

Esme sighed, sweeping her thumb under her eye to brush away a stray tear. "You told me this, and I tried to keep an open mind. It's not that I don't understand, because I do see your point. But it's still killing me. I don't care that Elizabeth is the one who gave birth to him - Edward is _my_ boy, and I just want to protect him. Walking out of that room made me feel like I was betraying him."

I swallowed hard. Hearing Esme's tearful confession absolutely broke my heart, her feelings mirroring my own. It didn't matter that Edward had been the one asking me to leave; I still felt like I had abandoned him. More than anything, I wished he had let me stay, but at the same time, I understood why he wouldn't. He knew he couldn't lean on me forever.

Deep down, I believed Carlisle was right when he said it was the right thing, and I knew Edward didn't see our reluctant departure as betrayal. But still, I wouldn't be able to relax until I had seen with my own eyes that he was all right. I cast an impatient look at the closed door, and then at my watch. Ten minutes, Edward had said. It seemed more like ten hours.

Emmett had been silent since we'd left Angela's office, and now I glanced at him, realizing he had taken a seat a couple of feet away, distancing himself from the rest of us. He seemed lost in his thoughts, and I wondered what was going through his mind in that moment. I wasn't going to ask, though, his body language making it more than clear that he wasn't in a mood for talking.

"It was hard for me too, dear," Carlisle admitted in response to Esme's statement. "But we all need to remember that - no matter how badly we want to - we can't fight Edward's demons for him. He has to make peace with his past in order to move on, and we need to have faith in him, trust that he will allow us to love and support him when he's ready. I believe he will let us know when he needs us."

No one argued with that.

For a couple of minutes, we all just sat there in silence, and I figured each of us were occupied with our own thoughts. I was becoming more and more restless, but I tried to stay as calm as possible. Suddenly the door opened, and I instinctively jumped up and took a step forward, almost tripping over my feet in the process.

When Edward stepped out of the office, I nearly cried in pure relief, and all but rushed over to him. I just wanted to throw myself in his arms and hold him forever, but I struggled to contain myself and took a moment to study his face, trying to determine his state of mind. I noted that he looked tired, but other than that, I couldn't really read his expression.

"Are you okay, baby?" I asked quietly, only hesitating for a second before slipping my arms around him. The others had gotten up as well, but with the exception of Esme, they kept their distance. I sensed her presence as she had walked up behind us, and I knew she was dying to give Edward a hug as well. For her sake, I hoped he would let her.

Edward hugged me back briefly, and I tried not to be too disappointed when he let his arms drop and pulled back a little. "Yeah, I'm fine," he told me, only I couldn't decide whether or not he actually meant it. He cast a look over his shoulder, and I got the feeling he was eager to leave.

I stepped aside as I felt Esme move past me, realizing her patience was up, and watched her tentatively reach out to Edward, slowly opening her arms with a cautious, yet hopeful look on her face. I let out the breath I had been holding when he moved forward, letting her embrace him without protests. She said something to him and he mumbled something in response.

Then he took a step back, once again looking over his shoulder almost nervously, and then turned to look at Carlisle. "Angela wants to see you."

"Oh, of course." Carlisle nodded in understanding. He hesitated for a moment, as if waiting for Edward to say something more, but when it didn't happen, he insisted he wouldn't be long and headed for Angela's office.

"Edward, what-" I started, eager to find out what happened with Elizabeth, but to my surprise, he cut me off.

"Later," he told me curtly, and when Carlisle opened the door and slipped into the office, I could see something close to desperation in his eyes. "I need some fresh air," he declared, leaving no room for objection as he started walking away without waiting for any response. I quickly excused myself and hurried after him, after assuring Esme we'd be waiting by the car when they got out.

I found Edward pacing in the parking lot. When I reached him, he looked a bit relieved, as if he had hoped I would follow him. Before I got the chance to say anything, he spoke up, running his fingers nervously through his hair. "I'm sorry, I just had to get out of there," he explained hurriedly, hesitating for a moment before adding, "Before _she_ comes out. I don't wanna see her again."

It all made sense to me now, his nervous behavior and eagerness to leave the building. I slipped my hand into his, squeezing it softly. "Tell me what happened?"

He shook his head. "Not now." I didn't miss the pleading note in his voice. "Please, Bella. I promise, I'll tell you later. Just not right now."

"I'm sorry." I bit my lip. "I'm being all pushy. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. What happened in there is none of my business. You don't owe me any explanation. Just remember that I'm here to listen if you ever _do_ want to talk about it."

It killed me to say those words, not because I was dying to still my curiosity, but because I hated the thought of him closing up and keeping it all to himself. I genuinely believed he needed to let it out, even if it would be painful. But I couldn't force him to talk to me. I had learned to accept that it had to be on his terms.

The drive back to Forks was quiet. I held Edward's hand in mine the whole time, and he seemed happy with the contact, although he didn't say much. More than once, I caught Carlisle looking at him in the rearview mirror, unable to hide the concern in his eyes, but he kept silent.

When we finally got back to the Cullen residence, Carlisle told me he would call my dad and let him know we were back. He didn't say straight out that I was welcome to spend the night, but somehow it was just assumed that I wouldn't be going home. I figured they all realized I wouldn't want to leave Edward's side tonight.

Esme offered to make us some snacks and suggested we'd all watch a movie or something together, no doubt hoping to pull Edward out of his absent state, but he told her firmly - without being rude about it - that he just wanted to go upstairs and rest. She didn't object, but I could tell she was disappointed that he wasn't ready to open up to her, although she tried not to let it show.

I asked him if I could come upstairs with him, or if he wanted to be left alone, slightly afraid of his answer. If he needed space, I would give it to him, but I truly hoped he would accept my staying. He seemed calm enough, but I suspected he had to be struggling with a whirlwind of emotions inside, and I just couldn't bear the thought of him all alone in his room, trying to process it all. I knew he needed me.

To my relief, he seemed to welcome my company. I didn't really think he was going to push me away, seeing how he had agreed to tell me what happened, but I would understand if he needed some time to collect himself and recover from the events of this afternoon. Seeing his mother again after all these years had to be extremely overwhelming, and I couldn't imagine what was going on in his mind right now.

Once we were up in Edward's room, I wasn't really sure what to do. He still didn't seem ready to talk, and I didn't know whether to try to distract him in an attempt to get his mind off things, or to just let him be for now. In the end, I figured I would just have to trust him to let me know what he needed from me.

For the next hour or so, Edward remained quiet and partly lost in his thoughts, but not completely closed off, like I had first feared. He complied without objection when I suggested we'd put on some music - just to break the silence before it became unbearable - and he even responded when I started talking about something trivial, but I could tell his heart was not really in it.

Carlisle knocked on the door at one point, peeking his head in and asking if everything was all right. Edward calmly told him that everything was fine. Carlisle didn't look totally convinced - and neither was I, for that matter - but he simply nodded in acceptance and reminded us that he and Esme were just downstairs if we needed them.

I could have been mistaken, but I thought I heard the sound of footsteps outside the door a couple of times after that, as if he - or Esme - repeatedly came to check on us, but no one knocked again.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Edward turned to look at me, and I thought I saw something flash in his eyes, but whatever it was, it was gone the next second. "She told me she was sorry. And she admitted what James did to me was wrong, that I didn't deserve it." I blinked in surprise, waiting for him to go on, but he didn't say anything more, just looking at me as if checking for my reaction.

I took a deep breath, willing my voice to hold. "She's right, baby. They're the ones to blame, not you. It was never you."

"Yeah, I know." He was quiet for a moment. "They're both sick. I realize that now."

I watched his face closely, searching for some kind of emotion to follow his revelation - sadness, anger, _anything_ - but there was absolutely nothing. It bothered me, but I didn't know if I should say something. At least he was talking now. And he was finally accepting the truth, which was a good thing. Like Angela would say - this was progress. I could hardly ask for more.

"What else did you talk about?" I asked carefully, hoping I wasn't overstepping my bounds. After all, he was slowly opening up, and I had a feeling he might need some encouragement to continue.

He shrugged. "She said she was never fit to be a mother. That I was better off without her." A somewhat bitter laugh escaped him. "Can't really argue with that, can I?"

I worried my lip between my teeth, choosing my next words wisely before shaking my head in agreement. "No, I guess not. You got a new family, who would do anything for you. All of them. You know that, right? They love you." I held my breath as I waited for his answer.

"Yeah, they love me," he echoed. His response was quick, automatic, reminding me of a robot. How I wished he would just show some emotion. As the evening passed, darkness slowly seeping into the room, I kept asking carefully chosen questions every now and then, and he would respond in the same monotone voice, never once revealing how he really felt about the whole thing.

Again, I told myself to be grateful he was speaking to me about it at all. Maybe this was just his way of showing he was dealing with everything. Maybe he had simply accepted the past for what it was, and was finally ready to move on. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. After all, he had handled the confrontation with Elizabeth much better than anyone could have hoped for.

But deep down, I couldn't help but feel I was only fooling myself by thinking the worst might be over. It turned out I was right.

Ever since we came home, Edward had been eerily calm and still, barely moving at all. But all of a sudden, he jumped up and started pacing the room, and I watched with a sinking feeling how his eyes darkened. Not really sure what to expect, I slowly got up as well, speaking his name softly, "Edward?"

He stopped in his tracks, and when he looked at me, I was startled by the pure rage I could see in his eyes. It all happened so fast, it was like turning a light switch - one moment he had been next to apathetic, and the next, it all seemed to hit him with full force. "They fucking ruined my life!" he growled, clenching his fists. "I was just a kid! He broke me, and she let him. She never even cared!"

I gulped, raising my hands in a calming gesture. "I know, baby, I'm sorry. Look, I-"

"She. Never. Fucking. Cared!" he yelled, cutting me off mid sentence. "They had no fucking right! I never did anything wrong, I didn't deserve to get punished like that. He had no right to hit me, to-to rape me! Every fucking time he came into my room, pushing me down on the floor, ho-holding me down...!" He let out a howl of fury and kicked a chair, causing it to fall over.

"Edward, please..." I started, then stopped as I had absolutely no idea what to say. Before I knew it, he had picked up the fallen chair and flung it across the room with a roar. He was livid now, and I could only watch in horror as he ran around taking out all his built up wrath on the room, punching the walls and furniture, grabbing whatever objects he could find and hurling them against the floor and walls.

I was afraid to stop him, knowing he was in a desperate need of release, but I was just as afraid to let him go on this way. I didn't fear for myself, only for him, terrified he would end up causing severe physical damage to himself without even noticing. Most of all, I was afraid of leaving him alone in the state he was in, even for a moment, so getting help was unfortunately no option.

Over the time I had known Edward, I had watched him lash out in defense or anger - at myself or others - suffer serious anxiety and panic attacks, and lose himself in horrible flashbacks, but this was different. He was fully present, reacting with pure, uncontrollable fury at the injustice of it all, violently pouring out his hatred for those who had hurt him. And I could only stand there, watching him shatter.

And then, just like that, Edward abruptly stopped the destruction of his room, sank to the floor and let out a gut-wrenching wail of deep anguish. I was crying helplessly now, finally snapping out of the shock, and stumbling over my feet in my desperation to get to him.

I dropped to my knees next to him at the exact same moment Carlisle burst into the room, his face a mixture of torment and sorrow, but no surprise, and that was when I realized he had been waiting for this, the final inevitable break-down. That was why he or Esme had been listening outside the door several times tonight, knowing this was coming. And it hit me that I had known as well.

Within seconds, Carlisle was on the floor beside us, and it stunned me to see the tears coursing down his face. He tried to put his arms around Edward, to comfort or to calm him, only to pull back in defeat as he cried out in protest. At first I thought he was once again lost in the past, but then he spoke, the words coming out in a stutter between sharp, gasping breaths, "Carlisle... he had no right... it's not fair..."

My heart was breaking in pieces as I listened to Edward's half sobbing, half whimpering, and I could feel the raw pain rolling off him in waves. My poor baby was hurting so badly, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do to take his pain away. He just had to let it all out. Only then could he truly start to heal.

"I know, son, I know," Carlisle agreed, his voice breaking. "It's not fair, not at all, and I'm so sorry."

"It fucking hurts," Edward sobbed, tugging on his hair. "Why... why didn't... anyone help me?" I sniffled loudly as I managed to get a hold of one of his hands, pressing my lips against his bruised knuckles.

"We'll help you, sweetie, I promise," Esme assured him tearfully from the doorway, hesitating only briefly before stepping into the room and making her way over to us. "We're all here, and we will help you. It's over now, and we won't let anyone hurt you again."

"Help me," Edward echoed weakly, collapsing against me as I was finally able to pull him into my arms, cradling him gently against my chest. I didn't try to speak, knowing my voice wouldn't hold. Instead I closed my eyes, struggling to compose myself, and when I opened them again, I noticed both Alice and Emmett had entered the room, the same tortured expression mirroring their features.

Without a word, they both slowly moved across the room until they reached us, slumping down on the floor as well. As Esme reached out a trembling hand and tenderly began stroking Edward's hair, I got the feeling everyone in the room was holding their breath.

When Edward didn't protest, Carlisle carefully started rubbing his back, mumbling something I couldn't make out. It appeared as if Edward had heard him, though, as he let out a soft humming sound of acknowledgment. I noted his eyes were closed as he rested his head tiredly on my shoulder, and I figured he had to be exhausted. Who could blame him?

After some hesitation. Emmett placed his hand lightly on his brother's shoulder, and Alice tentatively reached for Edward's hand. In that moment - with all of us touching him one way or another, and not once did he object - it suddenly hit me. In that moment, I just knew.

Everything was going to be okay.


	110. Chapter 110

**A/N****: Thank you so much for all your reviews, PM:s and emails. I appreciate every single one. Some of you have even shared parts of your own life stories with me, and I feel very honored. Again, thank you all so much.**

OoOoO

**Edward**

I didn't remember going to bed - not very surprising, seeing how last night was mostly a blur to me - but that's where I woke up the next morning, with Bella's warm body wrapped securely around me. She was still sound asleep, her face perfectly relaxed and peaceful, and for a couple of minutes, I just laid there watching her quietly.

Then I rolled over - careful not to disturb her - and looked at my alarm clock, realizing it was still early. I was a bit surprised, feeling like I had been sleeping for days, but the red numbers on the clock told me it was just past seven. Still, I felt well rested, more awake than I could remember feeling in a long time.

As I rolled back towards Bella, studying her still form with a feeling of awe, memories of last night started coming back to me. I cringed as I recalled trashing my room in a fit of blind, uncontrollable fury, and I was almost afraid to look around and take in the destruction I had made.

I remembered finally breaking down, cursing, yelling and crying. After everything that had happened, it all just became too much, and I found myself unable to hold it back any longer. Afterwards I felt empty and tired, but for once, not in a bad way. It was like I had finally gotten an outlet for the burning rage that had been building up inside me ever since I was a kid, and when I was done letting it all out, I felt strangely liberated.

Bella never left my side, and at some point during my explosive break-down, my whole family must have entered the room, because suddenly they were all there, surrounding me, and all the frustration, anger and despair slowly submitted to a feeling that was basically foreign to me. It took a while before I recognized it as peace.

I was brought back to the present as Bella stirred next to me, and the next thing I knew, her eyes were open and intently focused on me. She gave me a somewhat hesitant smile, and reached out to brush her fingers gently down my cheek. "Morning," she whispered softly, her voice husky from sleep.

"Morning," I echoed, only to grimace when the word came out as a hoarse croak. As liberating as it was to scream, rant and get rid of pent up rage, it sure made my throat feel like shit the next day.

She watched my face closely, clearly trying to read my expression. "Have you been awake long? How are you feeling?"

I took a moment to contemplate her question. "Woke up about ten minutes ago, I think." Then I swallowed a few times, longing for some water, because my mouth felt like sandpaper. But I didn't want to get up and leave the room - and my girl. I wanted to savor this moment for as long as I could, seeing how waking up with Bella always seemed like a small miracle to me.

Bella nodded, her fingers still tenderly stroking my face. "And how are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "Not sure there's a simple answer to that."

"I didn't ask for simple." Her eyes remained locked on mine. "Last night was-"

"I'm sorry," I cut her off. Seeing how she opened her mouth, I hurried on, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that, but I'm glad you were here." I paused. "I'm glad you're _still_ here. I swear, Bella, I don't understand how you put up with-"

"Hey..." She placed her fingers gently over my mouth to stop me. "You know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. I love you, simple as that. That's why I'm here. That's why I'll always be here, through good and bad, ups and downs. There's nowhere I'd rather be. Trust me on that."

"I trust you," I told her sincerely. "And to answer your question, I feel okay, right now. But..." I hesitated, unsure of how to explain so it made sense to her. "I didn't black out or anything last night. I remember most of it, except for how I ended up in bed. I was pissed off, Bella. Truly and completely fucking pissed off, because I just realized how much of my life I've missed. How much I've lost, because of those two..." I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back the anger threatening to well up again. "They took my fucking childhood away from me, and they made me think I deserved it. I didn't."

"No, you didn't," Bella agreed, swallowing visibly. "I'm so glad you can finally see that. You have every right to be angry, and I think it's important for you to let it out. Don't ever apologize for how you feel, baby. You've come so far, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I mean that."

I felt a tug at my heart at her words - Bella always had a way of knowing what I needed to hear. But there was still something she had to understand. "Thanks, love. Look, I meant it when I said I feel better today. But to be honest, I'm still angry. I'm not sure it'll go away just like that."

She shook her head, tracing her fingers up and down my arm. "Edward, nobody expects you to get over everything that's happened to you, just like that. It'll take time." A pause. "I think you should tell Angela about this at the next session, though. She'll understand, and she might be able to help you deal with all this. The anger, I mean."

I nodded absently, having more on my mind. A part of me was surprised by how easy it had become for me to share my thoughts with Bella these days. I no longer felt like I had to hide the truth from her, in fact, it was quite the opposite. I wanted her to understand. "I know you're not gonna like what I'm about to tell you, but I need to be honest with you. Just hear me out before you say anything, all right?"

Her eyes narrowed slightly and I could see conflict flash across her face, but she nodded in agreement. I sat up, leaning my head back against the headboard. "You keep saying you love me. It's not that I don't believe you, because I know you mean it. It's just..." I sighed. "I have a really hard time understanding why."

As I glanced at her, I saw how her bottom lip quivered and her eyes began to water. She started to say something, but I shook my head and went on, "I know _they_ are the ones who did that to me, making me feel that way. Please understand, Bella. I spent so many years thinking there was something wrong with me, that I was just fucking unlovable. In a way, it's still stuck in my head. I can't help it."

"Edward..." Bella sniffled, sitting up as well and snuggling into my side. "Believe me, baby, you're anything but unlovable. You're the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside as well as outside. It's so easy to love you, and I'll be grateful every day for the rest of my life that you love me back. Sometimes I fear _I'll_ never be good enough for _you_, that you deserve so much more than me. I'm nothing special, but I'm yours, forever if you'll have me that long." She lowered her eyes, almost shyly.

I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears prickling the corner of my eyes. "Forever's not long enough," I mumbled. "But I guess it'll have to do."

She smiled shakily, her fingers finding their way to my hair. "Seriously, do you ever think that far ahead into the future?" The way her voice trembled slightly gave me a feeling she was a bit nervous about my response, although I wasn't sure why. I just nodded, feeling her eyes search mine for confirmation. "And what do you see?" she whispered.

"You," I told her sincerely. "Only you. And to me, you're not just special, Bella. You're so much more than that. You're everything." A tear slid down her cheek and she leaned in to rest her head against mine. For the next couple of minutes, we just sat there in silence, as no words seemed necessary.

Finally Bella spoke up again, her voice barely more than a whisper, "I'm not the only one who loves you."

I knew she was referring to my family and let out a sigh. "It's easy to say the words back to you," I admitted quietly. "But with them... I don't know."

"Just because you can't say it yet doesn't mean you don't feel it," she stated, as if it was obvious. I nodded slowly, allowing her words to sink in. Did I love Carlisle and Esme? Emmett? Alice? I felt like I should, and deep down, I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to that. They were my family - my real family.

The family I wished I had been born into from the beginning. I realized it was pointless to dwell on what could have been, but my mind had already started wandering in that direction, and there was no going back. I wished Carlisle and Esme were my biological parents. Then my life would have been completely different, and I wouldn't be this broken.

That was when Bella's stomach growled, snapping me out of my thoughts, and I gratefully welcomed the distraction, knowing I was about to let the bitterness drag me down. She was right - I had to find a way to deal with my pent up anger, or it would just keep nagging at me until I snapped all over again. I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that.

I forced myself to push all disturbing thoughts away for now and focus on Bella. "You hungry, love? Wanna go downstairs and get something to eat?"

She nodded sheepishly, giving me an apologetic smile. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not." I rolled my eyes. Did she really expect me to let her stay up here and starve? I could probably eat something myself, but there was something I had to take care of first. "Why don't you just go ahead and start breakfast without me? I'll join you as soon as I can." Seeing how Bella frowned, I explained, somewhat awkwardly, "I need to tidy up the room a bit first."

Bella looked around, understanding flashing across her face as she took in the disaster area that was my room. I cringed with embarrassment, wishing there was a way for me to vent and let my frustration out without tearing the place up every time. But as much as I hated losing control of myself like that, it just felt so fucking good to punch things. During my episodes, that was. Afterwards it was just humiliating.

"Oh, well, I'll help you, then, " Bella offered quickly, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. I noticed she was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and matching tights, a sleeping attire she must have borrowed from Alice.

"No, Bella," I sighed, causing her to stop in her tracks. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate her offer, but I refused to let her - or anyone else - clean up after me. "I mean, thanks, but that's okay. I made the mess, and I'll take care of it."

She actually pouted a little. "But I just wanna help. You don't have to do it all by yourself."

I shook my head. "Yes, Bella, that's exactly what I have to I do. I break it - I clean it up. Simple as that." When she didn't respond, just looked at me with an uncertain expression, I sighed. "I know you mean well, but please understand. I can't let someone else clean up my mess - I need to fix it myself. Don't you see?" I looked away. "It's the only way I can live with myself. I hate being this way, throwing fucking tantrums and destroying things. I don't want to. I just..." I shrugged in defeat, no idea how to explain it to her when I didn't understand it myself.

"Oh, Edward..." Bella crawled over to me and wrapped me up in a hug. I slipped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her hair, enjoying her warmth, her sweet smell. Hell, I enjoyed everything about her. And by some miracle, she was all mine.

When she finally pulled back, she gave me a tentative smile, and I knew then that our discussion was over. She may not always understand my reasoning, but she selflessly accepted it when she realized what it meant to me. More importantly - she accepted _me_. Words couldn't describe how good that made me feel.

About half an hour later, when my room was pretty much back to normal, I hurried down the stairs in search of my girl, and found her freshly showered in the kitchen, munching on a cheese omelette and some toast. It wasn't lost on me how comfortable she seemed to be in my house these days, even when no one else was around. She just fit right in, and I loved it. If it was up to me, she would never leave.

Her face lit up and she smiled as she saw me. "Hey, I saved you a seat. There's toast, eggs, omelette and coffee. I wasn't sure what you'd want, maybe I went a bit overboard." Her cheeks flushed adorably.

"No, it's great, I'm starving," I assured her, picking up a plate and filling it with food before plonking myself down on the chair next to her. For a couple of minutes, we just sat there eating in a comfortable silence. Then it suddenly hit me that the house seemed a little too quiet. Even if Alice and Emmett liked to sleep in whenever they could, Carlisle and Esme were usually up by now.

I asked Bella if she had seen any of them this morning, and she nodded, chewing and swallowing before responding, "Esme was here just before you came downstairs. She said something about going to the grocery store. And I think Carlisle is in his office. I don't know where Alice and Emmett are, I haven't seen them." I nodded in understanding.

After we had finished our breakfast and cleaned up after us, I asked Bella what she wanted to do for the rest of the morning, and she suggested we'd go for a walk. I agreed without hesitation, the idea of getting some fresh air sounding most appealing to me. We ended up strolling up and down the nearly empty streets for almost two hours, just talking quietly and enjoying each other's company.

The best part was that it took my mind off yesterday's stressful events, at least for a little while.

As much as I wished Bella could just stay with me for the rest of the day, I tried not to let my disappointment show too much when she told me she should probably head home and have lunch with her father. I could see her point - while Charlie had been very supportive of our relationship so far, it was probably a good idea for Bella to spend at least some time at her own house.

Of course, that didn't mean I had to like it.

When I got back to the house, I found Carlisle waiting for me. He looked relieved when he saw me. "I was wondering where you were. I haven't seen you all morning."

"I was just out with Bella," I explained, slumping down on the couch. "I brought my phone, you know. You could've just called."

"Yes, well, I didn't want to bother you," he admitted, studying my face carefully. He hesitated a little. "Are you all right?"

I nodded, pulling on a loose thread at the edge of my shirt. "Yeah, I feel better today." When he didn't respond right away, I risked a glance at him. "Really, I do."

"That's good. I'm glad to hear that." He was quiet for a moment. "Edward, the last thing I want is for you to feel like I'm smothering you, so I'm only going to say this once. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. The same goes for Esme. You can always come to us, no matter what, and we will do whatever we can to help you. Do you understand?"

I swallowed, trying to speak around the lump in my throat, "Yeah. Thank you."

He nodded, looking pleased with my response. After a few seconds of silence, he went on, "There's something else you should know. As you know, I spoke with Angela yesterday, after you left. She-"

"What about _her_?" I cut him off, unable to stop myself. "Did you talk to her too?" I figured he would know who I was referring to.

"No, Elizabeth left right away." Carlisle suddenly looked angry. "It was probably for the best, or I would have been tempted to say something that would most likely have me arrested for verbal assault. She's not worth it."

"No, she's not," I agreed quietly, then added, "I just wanna forget about her. I don't wanna see her ever again."

"You don't have to." He looked me right in the eyes. "Do you regret seeing her?"

I shrugged, not sure how to respond to that. While I hadn't exactly gotten the answers I had hoped for, I still felt like I had been given some kind of closure. "I guess not," I finally told him. Carlisle's only response was to place his hand softly on my arm. I calmly met his eyes, and I knew we both remembered a time - not too long ago - when such an innocent gesture would have me in a fit of panic.

The quiet was disrupted when all of a sudden Alice and Emmett burst into the room, talking animatedly, however, they both stopped in their tracks as they spotted me and Carlisle. "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt anything," Emmett immediately mumbled apologetically, Alice bashfully nodding in agreement.

"Actually..." Carlisle glanced at me. "I was just about to fill Edward in on what we discussed yesterday." They both nodded in understanding. Seeing my confusion, he went on explaining, "Angela thought it might be a good idea for the whole family to come see her together, at least once. It would be like a group session, with just us, and it would give us all a chance to vent things."

I frowned, turning my eyes skeptically to Alice and Emmett. They both looked uncertain, clearly unsure about my reaction to Carlisle's revelation. But I noticed they didn't seem opposed to the idea, which surprised me.

"No one will force you to come," Carlisle continued calmly. "It is completely up to you, and no one will question your decision. All I ask is for you to take some time to think about it."

I just nodded. While the idea didn't totally freak me out - unlike Angela's other suggestion of me attending a group session full of strangers - I still wasn't sure how I felt about this. But I figured that if the rest of the family didn't have a problem with it, I owed it to them to at least take it into consideration.

After a brief moment's silence, Alice suddenly nudged Emmett, giving him a pointed look, and when he nodded, she started clapping her hands eagerly and turned to me. "Edward, we've got a surprise for you. It's still in the car - Dad, you and Emmett go get it, right away!" She was practically bouncing up and down.

I noted that Carlisle appeared to be just as confused as I was, but he nodded in agreement and obediently followed Emmett out of the room. I gave Alice a suspicious look. "What's going on? What is it?"

"Oh, you'll just have to wait and see." She was beaming now, and I could only chuckle at her obvious excitement.

Emmett and Carlisle returned a couple of minutes later, struggling with a large wooden box, and I watched them put it down in front of me. Emmett grinned. "Just think of it as a late birthday present. Go ahead - open it!"

"You already gave me a present," I protested, not comfortable with the idea of them spending even more money on me.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Whatever, just open it! Here, I'll help you." She started to lift the lid off the box, and I finally submitted to the curiosity and moved to join in. Once the lid was gone, I peeked into the box.

"What...?" I started, my eyes narrowing as I tried to figure out what I was looking at. It was big and red, and looked like some kind of stuffed leather bag. I turned to Alice, who happened to be closest to me, and gave her a questioning look.

"It's a punching bag," she explained, looking almost shy all of a sudden. "We thought you could... um..." she glanced at Emmett for help, which surprised me, seeing how she never seemed to have a hard time finding the words. But for some reason, she appeared to be nervous, when merely a moment ago she had been vibrating with excitement.

"We thought you could use something to punch, that won't break," Emmett finished for her, hauling the heavy looking bag out of the box to show it to me. "Look, it comes with a stand, or it can be suspended from the ceiling. Dad will help you put it together. What do you think?"

"I..." I realized I was speechless.

"Oh no, you hate it." Alice's face fell and she looked like she might cry.

"No." I somehow found my voice. "Alice, I don't hate it. I just..." I shook my head. "I don't know what to say. I can't believe you guys did this." To say that I was touched would be an understatement.

"So you like it, then?" Emmett asked, hopefully.

I nodded, fearing my voice would break, but forced myself to get the words out, "Yeah, I like it. Thank you."


	111. Chapter 111

**A/N****: Again, possible tissue warning on this chapter. We're also getting close to the end, maybe 5 more chapters to go, epilogue not included. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, I just want to hug you all.**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

The days went by, and I was slowly settling into a new, much less stressful routine. It took a while before it hit me that for as long as I could remember, there had always been something nagging at my mind, haunting me and causing me to dread what was coming, making it impossible for me to let my guard down.

Either there was the annual meetings with Victoria Masen, or the weekly appointments with some therapist I could never bring myself to open up to, or something else entirely, the outcome was always the same. It tore me down, physically as well as mentally, and I felt like I barely got the chance to breathe, let alone relax and just be.

I remembered telling Bella once that everything hurt and I didn't know how to make it stop, and I could still recall the desperation I used to feel when the pain just became too much. It was eating me up from inside, and no matter how hard I would struggle to hold myself together, there always came a point when I couldn't take it anymore.

But somehow, things had changed. Over the last couple of days, I had started to feel lighter. More hopeful. And unlike when - not too long ago - my mind was constantly filled with anxiety, self-loathing and fear of remaining emotionally closed off and a disappointment to everyone, my head was now occupied with thoughts of Bella.

And these days, it wasn't just about her lessening my pain and making me feel alive. I still felt a need to be close to her at all time, but not as much for comfort as for... other reasons. I still longed for her touch, but I also wanted to touch her. A lot. And the more I thought about it, the less confusing and frightening it became, until I reached the point where I just wanted her. Badly.

Of course, I still had my moments when it was hard to focus on the good things in my life and not let the memories of my fucked up past drag me down. I rarely got any disturbing flash-backs or panic attacks these days, and the few times it did happen, I was often able to fight it off pretty quickly. But I still had nightmares from time to time, which always left me feeling uneasy and shaken up the following day.

Not to mention that it pissed me the fuck off.

The punching bag Alice and Emmett gave me turned out to be a fucking godsend. It felt a bit weird at first, punching the damn thing over and over, but instead of ending up feeling guilty about destroying things around the house - like so often in the past - it left me with a feeling of peace and satisfaction when I was done.

Most of the time, I even remembered to tape my knuckles before attempting to beat the crap out of the punching bag. Needless to say, I used up a lot of fucking tape.

At my next session with Angela, she brought up the topic of having the whole family come see her together, which Carlisle had already told me about. I had given it a lot of thought over the past couple of days, and think I surprised both myself and her by agreeing. So, exactly one week after my confrontation with my mother, we were all - except for Bella - once again sitting in Angela's office.

Bella had kindly offered to come with me and just wait outside until we were done, and my first instinct had been to say yes, knowing I always felt more comfortable when she was around. But at the last minute, I had changed my mind, feeling like this was another thing I should be able to handle by myself. Thankfully, she understood.

While nobody could ever take Bella's place, I had slowly come to realize I also had other people in my life who wanted to be there for me and support me, and once I had started to let them in as well, it soon occurred to me that I no longer felt like an intruder in the family. I actually felt like I belonged. The feeling was indescribable.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I had expected to happen at the joint session with my family. But it turned out to be interesting, to say the very least. Interesting, and eye-opening.

"It's good to see you all again," Angela began as soon as we were all seated. "May I ask how your week has been?"

As I glanced discreetly around the room, I noticed everyone seemed more or less nervous and uncertain, and I wondered if I had looked the same way on my first session. It felt kind of weird, being here with all of them, but I wouldn't say it was an all bad feeling.

"I think it's been all right," Alice finally offered in response, and I wasn't overly surprised she had been the first to speak up. Nervous or not, she rarely had a hard time to open up to people.

Angela nodded. "What about the rest of you? Do you all agree?" Before anyone got the chance to say anything, she went on, "Remember, this is an opportunity for all of you to express your thoughts and feelings, and if there's something you'd like to share with the rest of your family, now is the time. If I was to guess, I'd say the last few weeks must have been intense, for all of you."

Emmett mumbled something I couldn't make out. Angela turned to him, her hands folded in her lap, and gave him a questioning look. "What was that, Emmett?"

He slumped back in the chair, looking uncomfortable. "I said, try the last few months."

She watched him calmly. "The last few months have been intense?" He nodded, not meeting her eyes. "Would you like to elaborate a little?" I held my breath, not sure I would like what was coming.

"All right." Emmett raised his head, and I didn't miss the way anger suddenly flashed across his face. "Ever since I found out..." he stopped, hesitating. "I just can't get it out of my head. Mom and Dad have known all along... what happened to Edward. It's not fair how they kept it from me and Alice. We would..." he rolled his eyes, "_I_ would've acted differently. They should've said something."

I stared at him in disbelief, his words of accusation coming as a total shock to me. "It's not their fault," I told him shakily, feeling a strange need to defend Carlisle and Esme. "I asked them not to tell you."

Emmett opened his mouth, but Carlisle beat him to it, "Actually, in a way it is our fault, mine in particular. Edward, I gave you the choice from the beginning whether or not Alice and Emmett were to be informed about your past. I believe now it was wrong of me to put you in that position. I should've worked harder to make you feel comfortable with your brother and sister, make you feel like you could be honest with them instead of feeling you had to keep your past a secret."

I shook my head in objection, but he wasn't finished. "You were all children, and I was the adult. I just wanted to help you, but somewhere along the way, I failed. For that I'm truly sorry." He turned to Emmett. "I don't blame you for being upset with me. In my defense, I did what I believed was right at the time. I hope you will someday understand that it was never my intention to make you feel deceived."

"This is not about how I feel," Emmett protested, and I could practically feel the tension coming off him. "You don't get it, Dad. Edward didn't want us to know the details - fine. I respect that. But you should've given us _something_. We've been completely clueless. Who exactly were you trying to protect? Alice and me, or Edward? Because as far as I'm concerned, all three of us would've been better off without the hush-hush and fucking secrecy."

Carlisle opened his mouth, then closed it again, clearly at a loss for words. I realized I felt bad for him.

"Let me ask you something, Emmett." Angela was as always calmness personified, one of the things I had grown to appreciate about her. "You obviously blame your father for keeping you and Alice out of the loop all this time. What about Edward? Do you blame him as well?"

"What? No!" Emmett shook his head fiercely, casting an awkward look at me. "Of course not."

"Why not?" I asked incredulously, unable to stay silent any longer. "You should." And I meant it. It would have made a lot more sense for him to blame me than his parents. After all, I was the one who had refused to let him and Alice in all this time. Carlisle and Esme only kept silent because I asked them to.

"I..." he started, clearly uncomfortable. Luckily Angela seemed to take pity on him and decided to cut in.

"It's okay if you do," she said in a soft voice. I frowned, but didn't say anything. She went on, "What's important here is that you're open about how you feel. You're allowed to be upset, but holding grudges won't do any good for anyone." She paused, giving him a chance to absorb her words. "If there's something you'd like to say to Edward, now's your chance."

Emmett glanced at me, and I raised a brow expectantly. Finally he spoke up in a low voice, "I don't blame you, but I wish I had known. I would've understood. And I wouldn't have been such a jerk all the time. Things would have been different." I just nodded, not sure how to respond to that.

"How about you, Alice?" Angela asked. "Do you feel the same way as Emmett? Are you upset with your parents as well?"

"Not really. I..." Alice hesitated a little. "I guess on some level, I've known all along. Or at least suspected." Her eyes darted to me before she turned back to Angela. "I understand why Mom and Dad didn't tell us."

Carlisle cleared his throat and spoke up, a regretful note in his voice, "I realize a lot of conflicts and issues could have been avoided if we had just been better at communicating with each other from the start. But I like to think we're getting there. We're all learning to be more open."

"That's good." Angela smiled. "The fact that you are all here today tells me you're definitely on the right way." She turned to me. "Edward, do you have anything you want to say to your family?"

I shrugged somewhat awkwardly, feeling everyone's expectant eyes on me. "I don't know. I'm glad they're here. They-"

Angela cut me off softly, "Say it to them, not to me."

"Right." Holding back a sigh, I swallowed and turned to my family. "Um, thanks for being here. I know I have your full support and that you all care about me. I-I'm sorry it took me so long to see it." I hated that I had such a hard time getting the words out. It wasn't like I didn't mean them. Taking a deep breath, I then somehow managed to add, "Oh, and I... I care about you too."

Once the words were out of my mouth, I felt relieved, like another weight had lifted from my shoulders. It may not have been a literal declaration of love, but it felt good to know I was at least capable of telling my family that I appreciated them.

It felt fucking good to belong.

"Speaking of being more open..." Esme shifted in her seat, and I noticed she suddenly looked nervous. "There is another thing Carlisle and I have kept from you - all three of you. We figured it was for the best, that you were better off not knowing. But we have discussed it again, and last night, we decided you are all old enough to hear the truth."

I glanced at Alice and Emmett with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, noting they looked just as surprised and confused as I felt. Something told me this would not be pretty.

Esme cast a look at Carlisle, and when he gave her an encouraging nod, she continued, her voice trembling slightly, "You see, we always wanted a big family, with lots of children. But after Alice, I just couldn't become pregnant again - no matter how much we tried, nothing happened. We refused to give up, though, and almost ten years later, it looked like our prayers were finally heard."

Alice opened her mouth, but Esme raised a hand to stop her, indicating she wasn't finished. "Our joy knew no limits when I finally tested positive. But unfortunately, it wasn't long-lived. Less than two weeks later, I miscarried. That's when the doctors told me I would never be able to have another baby." She swallowed visibly, and Carlisle covered her hand with his.

"Oh, Mom..." Alice's eyes were glistening with tears. "That's just horrible. God, I'm so sorry."

Carlisle spoke up, quietly, "We agreed to just try to accept it and be grateful we had already been blessed with two healthy and beautiful children. And it worked - for a little while."

"Then I started to become really depressed." Esme shook her head sadly. "I tried not to let it show, though, because I didn't want you two..." she gestured to Alice and Emmett, "...to think I wasn't happy with you. I've always loved you so much, and I tried to be the best mother I could. But as the weeks passed, I started sinking deeper and deeper, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I..." Her voice broke.

I just stared at her with wide eyes, afraid of what she was about to tell us. Somehow, I just knew it was bad. And judging by the dead serious looks on Alice and Emmett's faces, they knew as well.

"What did you do, Mom?" Alice whispered.

Carlisle looked at Esme with concern on his face, and when she remained silent, eyes down and wringing her hands helplessly in her lap, he clearly decided to help her out. "I don't know if you remember this, but your mother spent some time at the hospital, about six months before Edward came to live with us. There was..." he looked away, but I didn't miss his tormented expression, "...an accident."

This was news to me. I frowned, waiting for him to continue.

Alice nodded slowly. "Yeah, I remember." She turned her eyes to Esme. "It was bad, right? You fell, and hurt your back?" There was uncertainty in her voice.

Before Esme got the chance to respond, Emmett sat up straight in his seat, and I realized he was pale as a ghost. I could practically see the wheels turning in his head, and understanding seemed to dawn on him the same moment it hit me. "It wasn't an accident," he stated in a flat voice. "Was it, Mom?"

She shook her head. "No, it wasn't. It all just became too much for me, and at the time, I saw no other way out. I'm so sorry."

Alice was crying openly now and Emmett looked like he was about to be sick. I felt like my head was spinning as my mind struggled to take in what I had just learned.

Esme had tried to kill herself. The realization shook me to the core.

"Waking up in the hospital was like a wake-up call," Esme went on, her voice slightly stronger now. "I realized I wanted to live, that I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my family behind like that. Thankfully I was given a second chance. I wanted to beat the depression and try to move on. But your father couldn't forgive me for what I had done."

"Esme, that's not true," Carlisle objected in a pained voice. "You know I don't-"

"No, darling," Esme cut him off, softly. "You've always tried to hide it from me, tried to protect me, but we both know that to this day, a part of you still can't trust me completely. It's okay, I understand. Our love is strong, but my betrayal will always be there as a painful reminder. I will just have to live with that."

Carlisle mumbled something in response and I watched them embrace. Soon everyone were talking at once, the words and voices blending together, and I guess at some point, I just stopped listening. My mind was working overdrive as I tried to process this new revelation. Suddenly I saw Carlisle and Esme from a whole new perspective.

Somehow, I had put them on a pedestal, thinking they had always been happy, that their lives were simply perfect before I came into the picture. Now I could see that was wrong. We obviously all had our demons.

In the end, I figured it all came down to how we chose to deal with them. Did we fight our demons with everything we had, not giving up until we had beaten them? Or did we allow them to destroy us?

There was a fine line, but I was pretty sure which side I was standing on now.

I snapped out of my thoughts as Esme said my name, and when I turned my attention to her, I realized she was looking straight at me, tears shining in her eyes. She tried to smile, not quite succeeding. "I was still struggling to come to grips with everything when you first moved in with us, but you gave my life new meaning. It didn't matter that you weren't mine by blood, I knew I would love you unconditionally."

Swallowing hard, I opened my mouth to speak, but she hurried on, "It broke my heart when I couldn't get through to you, no matter how hard I tried to break down your walls, but I never gave up hope." She brushed away a tear. "Even though I knew I had failed you."

"You never failed me," I started to protest, but she wasn't done.

"Because of my... actions, Social Services considered me unstable, not fit to be an adoptive mother." Esme glanced at Carlisle for support and he placed his arm protectively around her shoulders. She inhaled shakily and went on, "They finally agreed, on one condition. Once a year, until you turned eighteen, a social worker was going to pay us a visit, talk to you and make sure we were treating you right."

I blinked in surprise, absorbing her words as the pieces were starting to fit together.

Victoria.

It all started to make sense to me now, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. How fucking ironic was it that Social Services had doubted Esme's ability to care for me, when it was my real mother who was never fit to be a parent? And even more ironic was the fact that the social worker they forced upon us had to be the least qualified person ever for such a job.

"If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't have been forced to go through all that every year. I'm so sorry." Esme was crying now, her voice pleading as she reached out her hand to me, begging me with her eyes to forgive her. But there was nothing to forgive. How could I possibly hold something like that against her?

I slid out of my seat without even thinking, my feet carrying me over the floor until I reached her, and I crouched down next to her, taking her hand. "Don't be sorry. I don't blame you. Besides, it's over now, right?" I paused, trying to speak around the lump in my throat. "Don't ever think you failed me. You've always been there for me. I could never ask for a better mom."

A choked sob escaped her, more tears streaming down her face, and I did the only thing I could think of. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her hard. "I love you," I mumbled into her ear, and I was stunned by how easily and natural the words just rolled over my lips.

I realized I was smiling. And it felt fucking good.


	112. Chapter 112

**A/N****: Last chapter I said there would be about 5 more chapters, but now I doubt it will even come to that. There will most likely just be 2 more after this one, and then an epilogue. I'm both happy and sad to say that this story is almost over.**

**OoOoO**

**Edward**

Over a week had passed since our family therapy session, and I would be lying if I said the first couple of days hadn't been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. Learning about Esme's attempted suicide had been shocking to say the very least, but for once, I hadn't been the only one who had trouble dealing.

Emmett hadn't said much, instead he had just walked straight up to his room as soon as we came home and I didn't see him again for the rest of the day. The following days he was quiet and brooding, which was very out of character for him. I knew Carlisle had been talking to him, and I assumed Esme had as well, but I wasn't going to pry for details. It wasn't my place.

Alice's reaction was different from Emmett's - she never tried to hide the fact that she was upset. She cried a lot, and while it hadn't been my intention to eavesdrop, I had overheard her tearfully asking if she wasn't good enough, if that's the reason why losing the unborn child had caused Esme to decide to end her life instead of finding the will to go on living for the children she did have left.

I didn't stay to hear Esme's response, already feeling bad for listening in on a conversation that wasn't meant for my ears.

Carlisle came to talk to me once, encouraging me to ask any questions I may have and assuring me he would do his best to answer, but I told him I was cool, that I didn't really need any answers. And I meant it. I suspected Alice and Emmett wished to have remained oblivious, and if that was the case I didn't blame them, but I also understood why Esme and Carlisle had decided to let us know.

Painful memories didn't just go away - I knew that from experience. The past may be behind you, but it would always be a part of your life. If it was really bad, it could end up haunting you until the day you died. But I had also learned that - even though it was hard - sharing your pain with someone you loved, someone who loved you in return, made that pain hurt a little bit less.

Carlisle also informed me that Alice and Emmett were going to start seeing a therapist of their own - it had been his suggestion and apparently, they had both agreed without much objection. I first thought he meant Angela, but when I asked, he reminded me that she was specializing in people who had been sexually abused, and Alice and Emmett's needs were a bit different from mine. I figured it made sense.

After he had left my room, my thoughts started wandering in a dark direction, and I found myself imagining what my life would be like today if Esme had succeeded all those years ago. That night, I didn't take the time to use the tape and put on my gloves before attacking the punching bag, not feeling any pain until my knuckles were already a raw, bloody mess. In fact, they were still bruised a week later.

Not very surprisingly, the condition of my hands didn't go by Bella, but she never questioned me straight out about it. I knew she didn't like when I hurt myself like that, and I wished I could just promise her it wouldn't happen again, but we both knew it most likely would, and I didn't want to lie to her. Carlisle had once told me there would always be ups and downs in life for all of us, and I realized he was right.

As I was now lying on my back on Bella's bed, my girl happily snuggling into my side, I caught her carefully inspecting the back of my hands when she thought I wasn't looking. When she saw my raised brow, she blushed and offered me a small smile. "Starting to look better," she stated quietly, pressing a gentle kiss to my no longer swollen knuckles.

I merely hummed in agreement, and just like that, our quasi conversation about my damaged hands was over. Bella knew exactly when it would be all right to push me a little further, and when it was time to let the matter drop. That was just one of the million reasons I loved her.

Although she wouldn't press me for details, I knew she had to be curious about what happened at the session, and I had filled her in as well as I could without revealing anything the rest of my family might find too personal for me to share with her. Still, I had a feeling Bella was pretty good at reading between the lines, and I wouldn't be too surprised if Alice had also said something to her.

Again, she knew just when to let go. There were some things that just didn't need to be discussed and analyzed to pieces.

"So..." Bella changed the subject, rubbing her cheek against my chest and sighing contently as I tightened my hold on her. "What do you want to do for the rest of the day? As long as it doesn't involve leaving the house, I'm open for anything." The rain was pouring down outside, and I could hear the faint sound of thunder in the distance.

"Don't know about you, but I'm perfectly happy just staying like this all day," I told her sincerely, kissing the top of her head for emphasize.

"Well, when you put it that way..." I felt her smile against me. "I guess doing stuff is highly overrated." I chuckled.

"Are you cold?" I asked hopefully after a few minutes, about to suggest we'd slip under the covers.

But Bella shook her head. "No, it's hot in here." She glanced up at me. "Besides, I'm never cold when I'm in your arms. You're like my personal heating system. I like it."

I snorted, unable to hide my amusement. "Yeah, that's me. Your very own, live, fucking radiator. Nice to know there's something I'm good at."

She propped herself up on her elbow, looking at me intently. "Actually, I can think of plenty of things you're good at. Keeping me warm is just one of them."

There was something suggestive, almost challenging about her words, or maybe that was just my imagination. Either way, it made me bolder. "If you're really that hot, you could always lose some of your clothes." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how badly I wished she would comply. I wanted to see her, all of her.

Bella's eyes widened slightly and she studied my face closely, as if trying to figure out whether or not I was serious. I held her gaze. Finally she seemed to decide I wasn't just joking and bit her lip, her face a mixture of hope and uncertainty. "My dad won't be home for hours," she informed me quietly.

Well, that pretty much settled it for me.

"I love you." I looked her straight in the eyes, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Please, Bella, I need..."

"What?" She stared at me, almost like hypnotized, and I felt myself growing hard. "What do you need, baby?"

"You," I told her matter-of-factly, begging her with my eyes to understand. I couldn't explain it - it was like my entire being was suddenly screaming for Bella's touch, aching to be closer to her. I needed to feel her warm, soft body against mine. Fuck, just being close to her wasn't enough. I needed more.

God help me, but in that moment, I felt a desperate need to be inside her. I couldn't remember ever wanting something that strongly before, and it scared me half to death.

But before I could panic, my mind finally registered the pure love I saw in Bella's eyes as her face lit up at my words, and I instantly felt a wave of calmness coming over me. All of a sudden, the fear I had felt only a moment ago was gone, just like that, and I knew then there was nothing to be afraid of when I was with Bella. Not now, not ever. Because nothing we did together could ever be bad or wrong.

How could it be, when we both wanted it?

I wasn't really aware of removing my jeans and pulling my t-shirt over my head, but I must have at some point, because the next thing I knew, Bella and I were both under the covers, sans clothes, and I felt a tingling sensation as she pressed herself gently but firmly against me, all the while keeping her eyes locked on mine.

Her mouth opened, then closed again, and I suspected she had been about to ask me if I was sure about this. But something obviously made her decide against it, and for that I was glad. She shouldn't have to ask - I wanted her to be able to see in my eyes that I was ready for this. I hadn't been before, but right now, there was no doubt in my mind.

Just like I could see in Bella's eyes that she wanted this every bit as badly as I did. So I leaned in to kiss her, pleased when she eagerly responded by parting her lips, allowing me entrance. I would never get tired of kissing Bella - I felt like I could just go on forever.

There was just one little thing that still bothered me, something I had tried to push to the back of my mind, but I knew I had to bring it up before we went any further. Reluctantly pulling back a little, just so I could look at her, I gently stroked her cheek. "Bella, I don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't," was her immediate response as she caught my hand and pressed a tender kiss to my palm.

I shook my head, silently pleading with her to hear me out. "Intentionally, never. But Bella, it's going to hurt. It's the first time, and..." I gulped, forcing myself to take a deep breath before finishing, "...you might bleed. I never want to cause you any pain, but if we're going to-"

"Oh." Bella cut me off, understanding flashing in her eyes. "I'm not afraid, baby. I realize it might hurt a little, but I can handle it, if you can?" She gave me a questioning, almost wary look, like she feared I would say no, so I gave her what I hoped was an assuring smile and nodded, praying I was right and would in fact be able to handle it.

The relief was evident on Bella's face and she relaxed against me. "Do you have any..." her cheeks flushed, something I found a bit funny considering the intimate position we were already in, "...protection?" she finished, practically whispering the word out. Before I could answer, she seemed to remember something. "Never mind. Alice."

I blinked in confusion, wondering what Alice could possibly have to do with any of this, but then my brain kicked into gear and I remembered Bella telling me how Alice had given her a fucking condom on my birthday. We had almost gone all the way that night, but I knew now it would have been too soon, and I was grateful we had waited.

As I watched Bella pull out a small drawer in the night stand, I realized I wouldn't have to get up and look for my jeans on the floor, searching for the tiny foil package I had been keeping in my wallet ever since it had mysteriously appeared on my desk one night, half hidden under a pile of papers. I still hadn't figured out who had left it there, and I wasn't going to ask. It wasn't like it mattered, anyway.

**Bella**

As I felt Edward's hands move boldly yet tenderly over my body, it hit me how calm he seemed considering the fact we were both naked and moments away from... well, what exactly? Sleeping together? Having sex? Making love? Yeah, I liked the last one best. I wanted this so badly it made my body ache, and Edward obviously felt the same way. Finally we were both ready.

My fingers trembled as they struggled to rip the small wrapper open, and then I almost laughed as I remembered Alice sitting cross-legged on her bed with a dead serious expression on her face, a condom in one hand and a banana in the other, intending to be helpful and show me her best technique. Of course, at the time I had been embarrassed beyond words, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

In the end, I figured I should just be grateful. At least now I knew how to put one on, hopefully without causing Edward any pain in the process. Those things had to be uncomfortable.

_Maybe I should look into birth control pills? Surely that would be a lot less messy.___

_Or maybe I should just stop thinking so much, and focus on what was happening right now?_

I glanced at Edward, noticing how his eyes were fixed on the slippery piece of rubber I had finally managed to release from the wrapper. He gulped, and I think I did as well.

"I love you," I murmured and then felt a bit stupid, because those words alone didn't seem enough to describe my feelings for him in that moment. I frantically searched my mind, but failed to find any better words. Maybe there weren't any. So I just repeated them. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." Edward smiled, and once again it hit me how calm and peaceful he looked, like he knew no fear in the world. I had expected him to be a lot more nervous, but instead I was the one who couldn't stop shaking. He must have noticed, because his smile faltered and his eyes narrowed slightly. "Are you afraid?" he asked me softly.

I shook my head, because I wasn't, at least not for the reason he might think. "Are you?" I whispered. He shook his head.

"So how do we...?" he started, then stopped, clearly unsure how to proceed.

I hesitated only for a second before leaning in to kiss him, deciding in that moment to stop worrying and just do what felt right. There were so many things I wanted to say, and at the same time words seemed pointless, unnecessary. So I remained silent as I started stroking his chest, and then let my hand slowly wander a bit lower.

Edward let out a humming sound, and his leg slid across mine. I felt a pleasant shiver run down my spine as he pulled me even closer and pressed his body against mine, and I wondered if he was even aware of doing it. Then, without warning, he moved his hand and gently started to rub my thigh, and I was unable to hold back a soft gasp as his fingers tickled my skin, causing my entire body to tingle.

He immediately tensed up at my reaction and I nearly panicked, certain he was about to pull back in fear of hurting me or moving too fast, so I quickly grabbed his hand to prevent him from moving it away, firmly holding it in place. It wasn't lost on me how he instantly relaxed again, and after a brief moment's hesitation continued his exploration.

"Tell me what to do," he breathed huskily into my ear. "Show me how to make you feel good."

I was just about to assure him that he was doing perfectly well on his own, that he already made me feel amazing and should just continue what he was doing, but I realized he was still a bit uncertain and wanted me to take the lead, so I forced my own insecurities aside and decided to just give him what he needed. I took a deep breath.

"You can touch me... here..." I whispered then, slowly guiding his hand and placed it between my legs, all the while keeping my eyes on his. Edward inhaled shakily, but once the initial shock had worn off, he showed no sign of being uncomfortable by my bold move. If anything, he appeared to be fascinated, eager to learn and please me. And when he started moving his hand, I nearly died.

"This okay?" he mumbled, glancing at me for confirmation. A soft moan escaped me, which he must have taken as a sign to go on. His face was the picture of deep concentration as he kept rubbing me softly and I shivered, instinctively raising my hips, wordlessly begging him to rub harder. I fought the urge to cry out, feeling like I was close to bursting.

I knew he could feel the wetness between my legs, and I could tell he was becoming more and more aroused by the way his breathing picked up. "More," I pleaded, almost sobbing. "Faster, please..." Edward happily complied and I started whimpering, pressing myself closer to him. "God, it feels so good!" I gasped, sucking in a breath as my body involuntarily jerked.

And then the world exploded. I must have blacked out for a few seconds, because the next thing I knew, I was lying limp in Edward's arms, panting for air. He was holding me almost impossibly close, his face buried in my neck, and I could feel his warm breath against my skin.

It took a moment before I realized I could also feel something rock hard pressing into my thigh.

**Edward**

For a brief moment, it seemed like Bella had passed out in my arms, and I almost panicked. But then she inhaled sharply and tightened her arms around me, letting out a sound that could only be described as one of pure bliss. I shifted a little, just so I could see her face, and she smiled a soft smile that nearly took my breath away.

She was so fucking beautiful. Her face was practically glowing, and she just looked... happy.

Pride filled me up from inside as I slowly started to realize I was the reason she looked that way. Even though I didn't really know what I had been doing, I had somehow managed to do something right. I had put that smile on her face. Fuck, I had just made her come!

The thought made me feel light-headed, and if possible, I grew even harder, until the point where it became down-right painful. "Bella, please..." I begged, unsure of what I was pleading for. But for some reason, she seemed to understand what I could not express in words, and the next thing I knew, I felt her warm, soft palm cupping my balls for a second before her fingers curled around my cock.

_Fuck me!_

"Trust me?" she whispered breathlessly, and her hand stilled for a second.

"Always," I gasped, closing my eyes. She let go of me and my eyes instantly snapped open in shock and disappointment. I grunted loudly in protest, until I felt the soft rubber brush against me and realized what she was doing.

The condom was a bit tighter than I had expected, but I was too far gone by now to let it bother me. I needed her, I needed my Bella, I needed to fucking get inside her right this fucking instant. Something close to desperation welled up inside me, and I think a choked 'please' rolled over my lips, or maybe it was just in my head.

There was no fear, no panic, no anxiety. Only pure, raw need. "How?" I managed to get out, barely recognizing my voice.

"Get on top of me," Bella responded after a brief moment of hesitation, and I obeyed without even thinking. For just a second, I worried about crushing her, but then she leaned in to kiss me, showing absolutely no sign of discomfort.

"Help me?" I asked in a pleading whisper, tracing a few tender kisses down her jaw and neck. "Don't let me hurt you."

She just nodded, her eyes intently locked on mine as her trembling hand found my hard cock, and the contact made me feel almost like I got hit by an electrical shock. Then she slowly guided me inside her, and I thought my heart was about to stop. There was a slight resistance before I felt myself slip through her barrier, and she tensed up for a second, her fingers flying up to grasp my shoulders.

"I'm okay," she hurried to assure me in a trembling voice, clinging to me as if she feared I was going to pull away. "It's not that bad, just give me a second." I had to trust her, although my mind was screaming at me for causing her even the smallest amount of pain. In an attempt to soothe her, I rubbed my nose against her cheek and brushed my lips against hers.

"I love you," I whispered, watching tears well up in her eyes.

"I love you, too." Bella offered me a shaky smile. "I think it's okay now." I wanted to ask her if she was sure, but no words came out.

Instead I started moving, very slowly, although I kept searching her face for any sign of pain. But when she closed her eyes and started breathing harder and faster, I just stopped thinking and let my instinct take over. Somehow, my movements just seemed to come naturally, and I was unable to hold back a groan as I pushed myself in and out, thrusting my hips up and down.

"God, Bella," I all but whimpered, my mind suddenly completely blank as wave after wave of pleasure washed over me. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought I could ever feel like this. I was only vaguely aware of Bella moaning and crying out my name as I finally collapsed on top of her, gasping and panting and sobbing out my love for her, repeating the three little words like a mantra.

She pressed her cheek against mine and stroked my hair, whispering how much she loved me.

And all I knew was peace.


	113. Chapter 113

**A/N****: And we're another chapter closer to the end. Just one more after this one, and then the epilogue. Wow, it feels weird just saying it. :)**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

"Bella?" I looked up from the magazine I had been reading when the door opened and Angela called out my name. "Please, come on in."

I jumped up and followed her into her office, unable to keep the smile off my face as I immediately spotted Edward on the couch. Walking over to him, I sat down and reached for his hand.

"It's really good to see you again, Bella," Angela stated once I was seated next to Edward. "It's been a while. How have you been?"

Thinking back for a moment, I realized she was right - I hadn't accompanied Edward to his therapy sessions for the last couple of weeks. To be honest, it seemed unnecessary for me to keep seeing Angela every week by myself, especially since I figured there were a lot of other people out there who needed her more than I did. But I would still join Edward for parts of his sessions for as long as he wanted.

"I'm good," I told her now, glancing at Edward as he squeezed my hand. "School's out for the summer. It's really nice not having to think about homework and stuff for a while."

"I can imagine." Angela smiled. "Do you have any plans? Are you going somewhere?"

I shook my head with a grin. "Just plan to enjoy the freedom for as long as I can."

"That's the spirit." Angela leaned back in the arm chair, looking from me to Edward. "Edward, would you like to tell Bella a little about what we discussed before she came in here?"

"Yeah." He turned to me. "Angela thinks it would be enough for me to just come here every other week from now on."

"Oh?" I looked at Angela in surprise.

She nodded in agreement. "Edward has made a lot of progress, Bella. Now, the next step is for us to start cutting down on our sessions, try and see how it works out. Not stopping altogether, but we both agree these weekly sessions are no longer a necessity." She gave Edward an expectant look, indicating for him to continue explaining.

"It's a good thing, Bella." Edward sounded almost nervous, as if he was expecting me to disagree or object. "I don't wanna have to come here every week for the rest of my life," he cast a somewhat sheepish look at Angela, "No offense." She just smiled, waving him off. "I'm not saying I'm going to quit, but I don't want to depend on therapy forever." I nodded, because I could understand his reasoning.

To tell the truth, I was thrilled. Angela said he was making progress, which I felt was an understatement. The way I saw it, Edward had become a completely different person, and I knew everyone else could see it as well. He was far from that hostile and emotionally closed off boy he had been back when we first met, terrified of physical contact and dead set on pushing everybody away.

Of course, he still had his set-backs every once in a while, which broke my heart every time, but Angela had done her best to make me see that it was both unavoidable and necessary, that I needed to allow Edward to have his dark moments. Like she had so often reminded me, his past would always be a part of him, and his painful memories would never go away completely.

It hurt to hear, but I knew she was right.

Thankfully, those dark moments of flash-backs and angry outbursts were rare occasions these days, and I could barely remember the last time he had suffered a full-blown panic attack. Sure, for natural reasons, I hadn't been with him twenty-four-seven, but I knew he wouldn't keep anything of significance from me. If Edward was having a bad day, I was bound to find out about it, one way or the other.

While I had first been a bit skeptical of Edward's wish to confront his birth mother, I could now see it had released something inside of him, given him at least some of that closure he so desperately needed. Seeing her again had made him realize, once and for all, that he was in no way responsible for anything that monster - James - had done to him. For that I was beyond grateful.

It had also - obviously - given Edward the last gentle push he needed to gain the courage and capability to finally break free from his fear of sexual relations. Should I live for a thousand years, I would never forget the feeling - nor the look of pure bliss on Edward's face - when we had made love together for the first time.

So much had changed, and all for the better. I could see how Edward's progress affected the rest of his family as well, and they all seemed to have grown so much closer. Edward had gone from not caring the slightest and stubbornly distancing himself from his adopted parents and siblings, to not only opening up to them, but also starting to show affection. It was downright amazing.

We kept talking for the next twenty minutes or so, and then it was time to go home. On our way back to Forks, Edward asked me to come back to his house and stay for dinner, and I happily agreed. Charlie was working late and wouldn't be home for dinner anyway, and I wasn't about to turn down an opportunity to spend time with Edward.

Esme greeted us warmly as we entered the kitchen, announcing that dinner would be ready in about half an hour. Edward snatched a sliced tomato from the salad bowl and popped it into his mouth, grinning innocently at her playful look of disapproval. When I asked if she needed any help, she politely but firmly declined, instead insisting we just sit down and make ourselves comfortable until it was time to eat.

We were just chatting about random things when Carlisle walked into the room a couple of minutes later. He smiled at us, but there was something strained about his expression. Edward clearly noticed as well, because his eyes narrowed suspiciously and he immediately asked what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong," Carlisle assured him, then hesitated for a moment. "I would say quite the opposite, but..." He shook his head, as if to clear it. "Anyway, I've received some news, and to be honest, I see no reason to put it off until later. Might as well just get it out of the way."

Something about his words made me feel uneasy, like I was suddenly imposing on a private family moment, and I cleared my throat. "Um, I think I'll go see if Alice is upstairs."

Carlisle looked a little surprised, and then his face softened. "It's all right, Bella, you are welcome to stay." He paused. "In fact, I would prefer if you did. If you don't mind?"

I frowned, but didn't object. Instead I just gave him a small smile and nodded. Esme quickly wiped her hands on a dish towel and made her way over to us, giving her husband a questioning look as she sat down next to Edward. "Carlisle, what's going on?"

Edward's eyes were fixed expectantly on Carlisle as he calmly waited for an explanation, but the way he squeezed my hand tightly under the table told me he was more anxious than he was letting on. I couldn't help but think it was so sad how he always kept expecting the worst, even after Carlisle had assured him things were fine.

"I got a phone call this afternoon," Carlisle started in response to Esme's question, although he was looking at Edward. "This is about... James." I felt Edward tense up and he sucked in a breath, but other than that, he remained stoic, seemingly indifferent. After what felt like a year, but in reality couldn't have been more than a few seconds, Carlisle went on, "Last night, he was declared brain dead."

I heard Esme gasp softly, but beside that, the kitchen was dead silent.

My eyes widened at his revelation, and I glanced at Edward to see his reaction. He just looked blankly at Carlisle for a moment, obviously unable to take in the full extent of this life-altering information, and I noted his face had become white as a sheet.

I placed my hand carefully on his knee, rubbing softly, and the contact seemed to be what he needed to break out of the trance. He blinked and turned to look at me, and I watched him take a deep breath. "I'm okay," he mumbled then, and I wasn't sure whether he was trying to assure me or himself. Then his eyes went back to Carlisle.

"They pulled the plug on him this morning," Carlisle continued in a low but steady voice, leaning forward to look Edward straight in the eyes. "It means they've turned off all life-support. It's over. He's dead, Edward. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I..." Edward swallowed visibly, and I wondered what was going through his mind in that moment. He let out a gust of air before responding in a hollow voice, "I understand." Carlisle opened his mouth, only to stop as Edward pushed the chair back and stood up, his face still paler than normal. "I-I need…" he whispered, then shook his head, obviously having no idea what it was he needed.

And without another word, he left the room.

**Edward**

Somehow, my feet carried my up the stairs and into my room. I closed the door quietly behind me and slumped down on my bed, trying to wrap my mind around what I had just learned.

James was dead. Gone. No more. Pretty soon, he would be buried in a coffin somewhere, six feet under the fucking ground. It would be like he had never existed. And I wouldn't have to worry about him possibly waking up some day. I was free.

Right?

The strangest thoughts started running through my head. Would there be a funeral? In that case, would anyone come? Now when he was dead, would anyone miss him? Elizabeth? Did she know? I fell back on the bed, resting my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, willing my mind to stop wandering in that direction.

I wondered what Bella and the others were thinking right now. They probably thought I had left because I was upset. But why would I be? This had to be the best fucking news I had gotten in my entire life. I should be relieved, I should feel fucking liberated.

In a way, I was. But I also felt... empty. And I didn't understand why.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when a soft knock on the door snapped me out of my troubled thoughts. "It's open," I called out, knowing it had just been a matter of time before someone would come to check on me. Funny how I couldn't find it in me to be annoyed.

"Um, actually, it wasn't. The door was closed, that's why I knocked. Can I come in?" Bella tentatively peeked into the room through a small crack in the door. I rolled my eyes and just grunted in response, gesturing for her to enter. To be perfectly honest, I wondered what had taken her so long. Then again, she probably thought I could use some space. She wasn't wrong. Still, I was happy to see her.

Fuck, I would _always_ be happy to see her. Even if I had been running away from her just a moment ago. Of course, technically I hadn't been running from Bella this time. Hell, I hadn't even been running at all.

I was just so fucking confused.

Bella slowly stepped inside and crossed the room, the bed shifting as she carefully laid down next to me without a word. For a couple of minutes, neither of us said anything.

I think it came as a surprise to both of us when I was the first to break the silence. "I'm fucking lost, Bella. What should I do? Jump for joy? Fucking celebrate?"

She rolled over on her side, waiting for me to do the same so we were facing each other. "What do you feel like doing?" she asked then, reaching for my hand.

"Didn't you hear me? I said I'm fucking lost!" I sighed. "I should be happy, right? Hell, I _am_ happy. He hurt me, again and again, and he fucking enjoyed it. I'm glad he's gone. But..."

"But... what?" Bella asked softly when almost a minute had passed. I just shrugged, frustrated for not knowing how to explain. She bit her lip, and I suspected she was choosing her next words with care. "Edward, it's okay. My God, who could possibly blame you for feeling that way? Of course you're glad he's gone. So am I, and I've never even met him."

I was silent for a moment, contemplating her words. "Yeah, well, I wish I could just say 'good, the bastard finally got what he deserved', and move on. But it's not that simple."

Watching me quietly for a couple of seconds, Bella then nodded slowly, and I could see understanding in her eyes. "You think he got away too easy, don't you?" When I didn't respond, she squeezed my hand and scooted closer to me, until our foreheads touched. Her arms slipped around me, and we just laid there in silence.

Eventually, I spoke up, "I wanted him dead. But I also wanted him to suffer. It's still here, Bella." I pressed my fingers to my temple. "Everything he did to me. It won't just go away because he's no longer among the living. I can still feel his hands on me, touching me..." I shuddered and squeezed my eyes shut, willing the sickening images to go away.

"You're really amazing, you know that? I'm so proud of you." My eyes snapped open at Bella's whispered words. She must have seen my confusion, because she clarified, "Just the fact that you're able to talk about this so calmly. Not so long ago, you would've..." she stopped and eyed me warily, as if she was worried of offending me.

Silly girl.

"I would've freaked the fuck out by now," I finished for her, watching her thoughtfully. She was right. It was easier for me to talk about my past these days, and I tried to figure out when exactly that had started to change. I honestly wasn't sure. It still wasn't easy. Just easi_er_. I vaguely recalled Angela foreseeing something like that once, and I remembered not believing her.

How about that?

A couple of minutes later, there was another knock on the door, followed by Carlisle's voice quietly calling out my name, asking if everything was okay. I pressed a soft kiss to Bella's lips, and then a second kiss to her forehead. Then I sat up, leaning back against the headboard. As Bella did the same, I responded to Carlisle's question with a loud, "Yeah."

The door opened, although Carlisle remained in the doorway. He cleared his throat. "May I come in?" When I nodded, he looked somewhat relieved and stepped inside. "Look, I..." he began, but Bella interrupted him with an apologetic look.

"I'll let you two talk. I need to call my dad, anyway." Then she glanced at me, as if to make sure I would be okay with her leaving. I gave her a reassuring nod, touched by her thoughtfulness, but also appreciating her attempt to give me and Carlisle some privacy.

"You can leave the door open, Bella. Thank you." Giving Bella a grateful smile, Carlisle waited until she had left the room before he slowly made his way over to my bed and sat down. "Well, to be honest, I'm not sure what to say right now," he admitted with a sigh. "I just wanted to see if you were all right. I'm sure you'd prefer Bella's company before mine, but..." his voice trailed off.

"No, it's okay, I don't mind. Thanks. And I'm all right." I paused. "I think."

He was quiet for a moment. "You have no idea how long I've wished for this day to come. When I would finally be able to look you in the eyes and tell you that man is gone. He may not have been a physical threat to you for a long time, but still. Now he's gone for good, and he can never hurt you, or anyone else, ever again."

"Yeah." I swallowed. "That's good."

"But...?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. It's just..." I let out a frustrated sigh. "Bella asked me if I thought he got away too easy." He nodded, waiting for me to go on. "Well, I do. I'll have to live with these fucking awful memories for the rest of my life. And he just-"

Clearly sensing my growing agitation, Carlisle cut me off, "James doesn't get a second chance to live a full life. He will never know true happiness. That's his punishment for his evil deeds. He was a sick and twisted man and I doubt he would've ever felt remorse for what he did. I can understand your wish for him to hurt the way you did, but you need to remember that his pain doesn't automatically erase yours."

I huffed. "Maybe not. But at least knowing he was in pain would make me feel better."

"That may be so," Carlisle nodded. "For a little while. But in the end, taking pleasure in the pain of others only makes us bitter and unhappy. That's not who we are, Edward. We are better than that."

I tilted my head to the side, allowing his words to sink in.

He placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. "I see a bright future ahead of you, son. That's all I've ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy, at peace. And I believe you're getting there. The memories of your past will always be there, but as long as you don't let them take over and control you, you will be fine. You just need to let go, allow yourself to live in the present."

I felt a lump in my throat, and nodded in agreement. "I want that," I managed to croak out. "I'm so fucking tired of being pissed off because of what happened to me."

He nodded in understanding, rubbing my back sympathetically. It felt good, soothing, and I sighed, tiredly. After a moment's hesitation, I shifted a little on the bed, and put my head down to rest on his shoulder. I thought I heard him swallow, but I wasn't sure. "You will be fine," he repeated then, his voice trembling slightly.

And I believed him.


	114. Chapter 114

**A/N****: So, this is the last chapter before the epilogue, which I'll try to have ready some time next week. Some of you have asked if there will be a sequel, but the answer is no. There will be a series of outtakes, though, which I intend to post as a separate story, but I can't say exactly when that will be. Another question I have gotten many times is whether or not I have plans for a new story after this one. There are some ideas, yes, but that's all I can say right now. Again, I would like to thank everyone who have left me a review (or reviews) so far.**

**OoOoO**

**Bella**

My fingers trembled a little as I dialed the numbers, but I forced myself to take a few deep, calming breaths, waiting for him to pick up. I hadn't really spoken to Phil since I left the house in Phoenix in such a hurry, which was almost two months ago. He had e-mailed me a few times since then, and I had dutifully responded, but it wasn't the same as talking in person, and I had to admit I felt a bit guilty.

Ever since Carlisle had dropped the bomb about James' death, almost a week ago, I had felt a strong urge to talk to Phil, but it wasn't until today that I had finally gathered enough courage to actually make the call. The truth was, I felt bad about the way I had practically dismissed him after my mom died, and how I just couldn't find the will to stay in touch with him like I knew he would have wanted.

"Hello?" Phil's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I inhaled sharply.

"Hi, Phil. It's Bella." I held my breath.

"Bella!" He sounded genuinely happy to hear from me, which made me feel a bit more at ease, but also added to my guilt. "How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. What about you?" I hoped my voice sounded less strained than it did in my head, because I really wanted this conversation to turn out well.

"Well, things have been pretty hectic for a while, but I can't really complain." Phil was quiet for a few seconds. "You know, I moved into my new apartment two weeks ago. It's really nice. Maybe you could come visit me some time?" There was hesitation in his voice, as if he already knew what my answer would be.

I thought quickly, not wanting to hurt his feelings more than I already had. "Actually, I was thinking maybe you'd like to come here to Forks instead. I've already talked to Charlie, he won't mind." It was true; Charlie had never held any grudges against Phil for marrying Renée. And since my mom died, I think he saw Phil as my last link to her, and therefor encouraged me to keep the contact.

"Oh?" Phil sounded more than a little surprised by my offer, but quickly recovered. "I'd really like that. It would be nice to see Charlie again." He paused, and when he continued, he sounded lighter, like a weight had lifted from his shoulders. "And maybe you could introduce me to that boyfriend of yours. I would like to meet the guy who has stolen your heart."

"Phil!" I shook my head with a smile, and couldn't help but think that was something my mom would have said.

To be honest, the thought of Edward and Phil meeting had crossed my mind. I had even hinted as much when I first told Edward I was thinking of asking Phil to come and visit, and to my utter relief, he didn't sound all that opposed to the idea. Of course, I would have to run it by him again later, but I knew Edward trusted me - as long as I was comfortable with Phil coming here, he saw no reason to fret about it.

Phil was a good man, and I would always be grateful towards my mother for having so much better judgment than Elizabeth. Unfortunately, Edward hadn't been so lucky. I felt a lump form in my throat when I thought about it. Sometimes, life was just not fair.

"So..." Phil cleared his throat, and I could tell he was choosing his next words carefully. "Have you had any more headaches lately?" The concern in his voice was evident, and it hit me that he must have been even more worried about me and my health than I had realized.

"No, I haven't," I told him honestly. In fact, I hadn't had any episodes since Phoenix, when Phil had first suggested we'd go through Renée's things.

I had actually mentioned them to Carlisle once - not long after my return from Phoenix - asking for his opinion, and he had told me it was most likely stress related. While that was the same explanation I had already gotten several times before, from the other doctors I had been seeing, I found that I felt much better hearing it from him.

Maybe I was biased, but in my opinion, Carlisle was way more trustworthy than any other doctor. Besides, the fact that he had persuaded me to go through a full body scan - which came out clean, by the way - told me he sincerely cared about my wellbeing, and wasn't just trying to brush me off.

I remembered a time when I could barely bring myself to leave the room without my painkillers safely tucked into my pocket. Now that little white bottle just sat in the bathroom cabinet, basically forgotten. It had been so long since I last needed them, and I had actually been playing with the thought of throwing them away.

Phil and I talked some more, mostly about trivial stuff, and he promised me he would call Charlie within the next couple of days and make the arrangements for his upcoming visit. We were about to hang up when something occurred to me, something that had been on my mind for a while. "Um, look, Phil, I know this is probably none of my business, but are you..." I swallowed, "I mean, have you..."

"No, Bella," he assured me, clearly realizing where I was going with this. "I haven't been seeing anyone since Renée, and I don't see it happening anytime soon. Don't worry. I haven't forgotten your mother."

While his words made me relieved in a way, I also felt bad for him. I didn't want Phil to be alone and miserable forever. He deserved better than that. A part of me wanted to tell him that it was all right for him to move on, that my mom would want him to be happy. But I just couldn't get the words out. Maybe it was still too soon for that kind of pep talk.

After Phil and I had finished our conversation, I spent the next thirty minutes or so going through my old photo albums. It was bittersweet, watching my mother's smiling face and remembering all those happy family moments we had shared. I shed more than a few tears, but there was no pain, and I was able to look through all of the pictures without falling apart. I think I even smiled when I put the albums away.

By the time I went downstairs, my tears had dried completely. I found Charlie in the kitchen, a frown on his face as he rummaged through the fridge. "There's nothing in here," he complained as he heard me enter, and I had to stifle a laugh, because he kind of reminded me of Emmett in that moment. Then his face brightened. "I guess we could always head down to The Lodge. What do you say?"

I smiled at his enthusiasm, knowing how much he loved the greasy food at The Lodge, but shook my head apologetically. "I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm on my way to see Edward."

"Oh." He grumbled something unintelligible, then looked up with a somewhat sheepish look on his face. "Tell the boy I said hi. And..." he suddenly seemed to find something very interesting on the floor, next to his feet. "I'm trusting you both to be careful and responsible."

"Dad!" My cheeks turned bright red - I was really hoping we had moved past this.

"Just looking out for you, kiddo." He cleared his throat, and with that - thankfully - ended that awkward conversation. "Call if you're going to be late, will you?" I nodded in agreement, waving before quickly disappearing out the door.

I arrived at Edward's house less than fifteen minutes later, which was pretty good, considering the fact that my truck wasn't exactly the fastest vehicle in town. Edward was usually too nice to tease me about it, but it seemed like Emmett had been rubbing off on him lately. Just the other day, the two of them had ganged up on me and mocked my poor truck, stating it sounded like a moose during mating season.

Of course, I could never stay mad at Edward for long, which I suspected he was perfectly aware of, not that he would ever take advantage of my feelings for him.

Speaking of the devil - it was Emmett who opened the door and let me inside, a wide grin on his face. "Bella!" he boomed, looking over my shoulder with a teasing gleam in his eyes. "Did your truck make it all the way over here, or did you have to hitch-hike?"

I hid a smile and rolled my eyes as I stepped past him into the house. "You're a real hoot, Emmett. Stop making fun of my truck. What did it ever do to you?" He just laughed obnoxiously, and I swatted his arm in mock anger. I wasn't really offended, though, I knew he was just playing around.

"Edward's upstairs," he informed me then, leaning back casually against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. "If you're not _busy_ later..." he made air quotes and emphasized the word 'busy', "...you and Edward should come hang out with me and Rose for a while. We could watch a movie, or play video games or something." He was serious now.

"Sure, that sounds like fun." I was pretty sure Edward wouldn't mind.

Emmett looked pleased. "Cool!" Then he hesitated a little, and I could tell he had something more on his mind. "Hey, you don't happen to be in a mood for baking cookies? We're all out."

**Edward**

As I was waiting for Bella to come over, I became more and more restless. Or maybe I was just bored. For so long, I had chosen to isolate myself from my family, shying away from the mere thought of company, but now, once I had started to let them in, I found that I no longer preferred the solitude.

For as long as I could remember, I had been a loner by choice. Then came Bella, tearing down all my walls. It had been terrifying at first, and I had tried my hardest to resist her efforts to befriend me, pushing her away like I did with everybody else, because it was all I knew. As far as I was concerned, the only one you could rely on was yourself. Trust anyone else, and you were bound to end up hurt.

Now I knew how wrong I had been. Thankfully, Bella had been stronger than me, refusing to give up. And thanks to her persistence, I had gained enough confidence to finally break out of my shell. She was now not only my best friend, but the love of my life, my soulmate. I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like without her.

But there were other people in my life who cared about me as well. It hurt to think about all the pain I had caused my family over the years, just because I had been too afraid to even think about trusting any of them. Now my eyes were clear, and I could see I wasn't the only one who had been suffering.

They never knew how to act around me, how to handle me. And I had been too messed up and damaged to be able to let them know what to do in order to help me. Hell, even I didn't know what I needed at the time. But I had finally learned that it was, not only okay, but sometimes necessary to lean on others for support. Sometimes, it was the only way to survive.

Suddenly longing for some company until Bella showed up, I slipped out of my room and walked quickly across the hallway, stopping outside Alice's room. Her door was closed, but I could hear music playing on the other side. I knocked, waiting patiently for some kind of response. As I heard Alice yell out a chipper, "It's open!" I pushed the door open and peeked inside.

Alice was sitting cross-legged on her bed with some girly looking magazine in her lap, but now she looked up. I cleared my throat. "Hey. Mind if I come in?"

"Of course not." Her face lit up and she tossed the magazine aside, immediately gesturing for me to enter. I felt a pang in my chest when I recalled her so often seeking me out in the past, hoping in vain that I would just once welcome her presence and accept her company.

Just like Bella, Alice had never given up on me, not even when I had long since given up on myself, and now I desperately wanted to tell her how sorry I was for always being an ass to her, when all she ever wanted was for me to just accept her as my sister. But a simple apology didn't seem enough. And besides, I knew she wouldn't want one, anyway. By some miracle, she had already forgiven me.

Instead I made my way over to the bed and slumped down next to her. "What are you doing?"

She smiled. "Not much, just waiting for Jasper to come pick me up. He's taking me out for dinner."

"Oh. Cool." I paused. "Maybe next time, we could all go out together." The way her grin widened and she started bouncing up and down told me my simple statement meant so much more to her than any lame apology I could come up with. Alice didn't want me to be sorry and feel guilty - she just wanted me to be happy, and willing to spend some time with her every once in a while.

I could do that. Hell, I might even enjoy it.

Alice started talking excitedly about all the things she wanted us to do before the summer was over, and instead of just tuning her out like I had so often done in the past, I did my best to actually pay attention to what she was saying. Needless to say, she was over the moon. Who would have thought something as simple as just sitting there listening as she went on and on would make Alice so happy?

However, she was cut off mid sentence by a knock on the door, and a moment later, Bella was standing in the doorway, watching Alice and me tentatively. "Am I interrupting something?" she asked softly.

"Nope. We were just talking." Alice smiled, standing up and clapping her hands together. "I need to go, though, Jasper will be here any minute. Think I'll just go wait for him outside. I'll see you guys later - Bella, are you staying the night?"

I threw a hopeful look in Bella's direction, but to my disappointment, she shook her head. "Not tonight. I've promised Charlie I'd sleep at home at least a couple of nights a week. Besides, I don't wanna wear out my welcome. I'm sure Carlisle and Esme are getting tired of having me here all the time."

"Don't be ridiculous." I waved her off with an eye roll. "That'll never happen." Bella smiled at me, and I found myself wondering why the fuck I was still sitting on Alice's bed when my girl was standing only a few feet away. I jumped up, walked over to her and swept her into my arms, pleased when she immediately melted into my embrace.

After saying goodbye to Alice, Bella and I moved ourselves over to my room. She told me about Emmett's suggestion for us to hang out with him and Rosalie later, to which I agreed, only somewhat reluctantly. "Much, much later," I insisted teasingly as I planted a kiss on her cheek. "Right now, I want you all to myself."

"Yeah, well, I guess I can live with that." Bella grinned happily at me. I pulled her closer, and she instantly snuggled into my side, closing her eyes and letting out a content sigh.

"You don't really believe Carlisle and Esme have any problem with you being here so much, do you?" I asked after a couple of minutes. "They fucking adore you." She blushed, but didn't object.

It was the truth - everybody loved Bella. Not as much as I did, though, because that just wasn't possible. She was my salvation, my reason for being. And she was all mine. Maybe there was a happy ending for me after all. These days, I would actually allow myself to hope, to believe. My fucking childhood sucked, but I was an adult now. There were many years ahead of me, years to spend with Bella by my side.

I was finally ready to leave the darkness behind me. James was really gone. My memories of the years living with him and my mother would probably never stop haunting me completely, but memories couldn't hurt me. Not physically, anyway. The scars marring my body were another constant reminder of my past, but I didn't have to let them define me. They would always be there, but I could choose to move on.

Choose to live. Not just exist, but really live. There was a whole world out there, for fuck's sake. And I wanted to see it.

Now I caught Bella looking curiously at the black notebook lying on my desk, the book Angela had given me the day of our first therapy session. She was too polite to ask about it, though, so I moved to pick it up, then returning to my seat next to her on the small couch. "You know, you can read it if you want," I offered, holding it out to her. "I've got nothing to hide from you."

Bella's eyes widened in surprise and she reached out automatically, then bit her lip and let her hand fall back down. "Thanks, baby. But it wouldn't feel right. They are your private thoughts. Of course, if you ever want to share them with me, I'll always be happy to listen, but I'd rather hear it from you directly, if that makes any sense."

Seeing her point, I nodded. "I get it. I just saw you looking at it."

I looked down at the well-used book in my hands, browsing through the pages without really reading anything. The truth was, I had never gone back and read anything I had written, and I doubted I ever would. It was enough just to get it all out - I had no desire to relive the pain, anger and frustration I had felt whenever I furiously scribbled something down during my darker moments.

Angela had even hinted that I might want to tear it up, or burn it, when the book was full. I had been confused at first, but when she explained that it could be a symbolic way for me to break free from my past, I could see her reasoning. I had to admit it was more than a little tempting. Hell, it wasn't like I would ever miss it.

"This one on the other hand..." Bella jumped up and moved across the room, grabbing a familiar object from my nightstand and held it up so I could see, "I don't mind looking at again and again. Did you add anything new?"

I smiled as she plonked herself down next to me again, eagerly opening the white album she had given me for my birthday. "See for yourself," was all I said.

Quickly turning the pages, Bella let out a gasp as her eyes landed on a picture of herself, one she obviously hadn't seen before. She was lying on her back in the grass, surrounded by wildflowers. "When did you take this? It's from the meadow."

I chuckled. "I took it with my phone when you weren't looking."

Her eyes narrowed critically as she took a closer look at the photo. "I look dead," she pouted. I snorted.

"You look peaceful," I corrected. "Beautiful. Like always." I didn't have to look at Bella to know my compliment made her blush.

She put her head down on my shoulder. "You have so many pictures of me in here."

"I know." I slid my arm around her waist, placing a tender kiss below her ear. "You're the one who said I could only put good things in this book. And you're the best thing that ever happened to me, so..." I left the rest of the sentence hanging. She lifted her head to look at me with something that could only be described as awe.

"I feel the same way about you," she whispered, leaning in to rest her forehead against mine. "You know that, right?" I nodded, because I did.

Somehow, this amazing girl miraculously returned my feelings. A part of me would probably always wonder what I had ever done to deserve her, but there was no doubt in my mind that Bella loved me, just as I loved her, with all my heart, bruised and battered as it was.

As I wrapped my arms around her, she happily put the book aside and climbed onto my lap, burying her face in the crook of my neck. Then she let out a soft humming sound, and I could feel her smile against my skin. "I could stay like this forever," she mumbled.

"I have no problem with that," I told her sincerely. "In fact, don't even think about moving within the next couple of hours."

She pulled back slightly to look at me. "What if I wanted to move over to the bed?"

"Hmm..." I pretended to give it some thought. "Maybe that could be arranged."

Bella let out a soft giggle. "In that case, we've better hurry. Because I bet any moment now-"

She was cut off by a loud knock, followed by Emmett's booming voice, "Okay, you guys, Rose is here and it's time to pick which movie to watch! Be down in two minutes. No, wait. One!" And he was gone.

I groaned loudly. "Remind me why you agreed to hang out with those two again?" Bella just smiled sweetly and kissed my nose, then tried to get up, but I tightened my grip on her, firmly holding her in place. "You call that a kiss?" I complained. "That's fucking unacceptable! Get back here and do it properly."

Bella's smile widened, and I didn't have to tell her twice.


	115. Chapter 115

**A/N****: I'm not sure what to say right now. This is it. After 115 chapters, this story is finally complete. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank every single one of you who have not only been reading, but also taken time to let me know what you think. Thank you all so much! More at the bottom.**

**OoOoO**

_**~epilogue - 3 years later~**_****

**Bella**

"Bella, wait, no, don't go in there yet! Bella..."

Ignoring Alice's protests, I barged into the living room, only to stop dead in my tracks at the sight that met me. Flowers, hundreds of them, and they were everywhere. I spun around, giving Alice - who had followed me into the room - an incredulous look. "Alice, why does it look like a flower shop threw up in here?"

She shrugged innocently, her lips curling into a devilish smile. "What can I say? You only turn twenty-one once." Seeing my warning look, her smile turned into a pout. "Are you saying you don't like it?"

I sighed, knowing she was just playing me with the sad face, but still, I didn't want her to think I wasn't grateful for everything she had done. "No, Alice, the flowers are beautiful, and I really appreciate it. But..." I hesitated, choosing my words carefully, "Isn't it a bit much? I mean, remember what we talked about? You could plan this thing, as long as you promised to keep it small and simple."

"See, Bella, that's where you're wrong." Alice grinned. "Small, yes, but you said nothing about simple. And besides..." she winked at me, an evil gleam in her eyes. "You can't go overboard when it comes to celebrating your birthday. Personally, I think it should be considered a national holiday."

"Alice," I groaned. "Will you just stop with the birthday talk already? You know how I feel about it." She pretended to zip her lips closed, but she couldn't hide her amusement.

The truth was, I had hated the thought of celebrating my birthday since that particular incident, two years ago, when I was turning nineteen. We had just started college, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I having all been accepted at the same school, and we had made a few new friends, so when my birthday was coming up, Alice decided it would be a perfect opportunity to throw a party.

To give Alice some credit, she had only invited a few selected people, like we had agreed, and everything had been just fine, until it was time for me to open the presents. Almost immediately, I had managed to get a paper cut, and to everyone's horror, passed out at the sight of my blood. Edward had tried to catch me, but didn't make it in time, so I had crashed right into the coffee table, causing it to tip over.

I got away with a sore shoulder and a bruise on my hip, but sadly, the ridiculously expensive birthday cake - which had been standing on said table - didn't make it.

A buzzing sound from my phone snapped me out of my memories, and I pulled it out of my pocket. Casting a look at the display, I rolled my eyes and held it out so Alice could see. "It's another text from Emmett. He wishes me a happy birthday. Again."

She laughed. "How many of those has he sent now? Six?"

"I stopped counting at eight, actually." Emmett, just like Alice, knew exactly how I felt about my birthday, and naturally, he couldn't resist teasing me about it. "I swear, Alice, I'm seriously considering changing my number. Especially after that little stunt he pulled last night..." I shook my head, letting out a groan as I thought about it.

"He didn't really mean anything by it, you know." Alice got a thoughtful look on her face as she watched the flower arrangements critically, and moved to make two of them switch places. Then she nodded in approval before turning back to me. "He was just trying to be funny."

"Well, he wasn't. He nearly gave me a heart attack." I paused. "Um, have you seen Edward today?"

"M-hm." Alice responded absently, her attention back to the flowers.

I bit my bottom lip. "So, is he upstairs? I was thinking maybe I could just-"

"Isabella Marie Swan!" Alice cut me off, the flowers completely forgotten as she turned to give me a stern look. "Edward's up there with Em and Jazz getting ready, and you know you can't see him until later. Besides, I know you already talked to him this morning, because he only gets that lovesick, pining look on his face when it's you calling." A pause. "Actually, you have the same look right now."

Her expression turned smug, and I felt myself blush, knowing she was right. "Whatever. I just miss him." I just had to try avoid thinking about the fact that Edward was in the same house, and I wasn't allowed to see him at the moment. Damn, this would be the longest morning ever. I sighed. "There's still time before we have to get ready. I'll just step out on the porch for a while, I need some fresh air."

"All right." Alice nodded in understanding, her eyes turning sympathetic. She hesitated a little. "Want some company?"

I smiled. "Sure, why not." She followed me outside, closing the front door quietly behind her, and for a couple of minutes, we just stood there in silence.

Finally Alice spoke up, "So, when is your dad going to be here?"

"He said some time around noon." I sat down on the top step, watching Alice do the same. "He left for Port Angeles early this morning, to pick up Phil, and... ugh, Jane." I made a face.

Alice snorted. "What, she's still 'ugh, Jane'? I thought you two were getting along now?"

"Yeah, she's all right." I couldn't help but smile. "I guess the name has just stuck." Phil had met Jane about a year ago, but it took almost four months for him to work up the courage to tell me he was seeing someone. It had been hard for me to take in at first - even though I wanted him to be happy, it still stung to know he had developed feelings for a woman who wasn't my mother.

The first time Phil introduced the two of us had been nothing short of a disaster. Jane was incredibly nervous about meeting the grown-up daughter of her boyfriend's late wife, which had caused her to - in my one-sided opinion - act like a rude bitch, and in all honesty, I hadn't been much better. In fact, when I thought back now, I was deeply ashamed of my behavior.

However, Phil had called me later that night, begging me to give Jane another chance, to which I guiltily agreed, and luckily our second meeting had turned out much better. Once some of the tension had eased, making both of us less awkward and nervous, I had to admit Jane seemed like a nice person after all, and it was obvious how much she and Phil liked each other.

I was truly happy for him.

"Hey, guys. Thought I heard someone out here." Rosalie was suddenly standing in the doorway, looking down at me and Alice with her arms crossed and a smile on her face. "Bella - happy birthday."

I barely managed to get out a 'thank you' before Alice jumped up, panic evident on her face. "Rose, what are you doing out here? You're supposed to be picking up the cake!"

Rosalie met my eyes, giving me a look full of sympathy that clearly said 'did you have to put up with this all morning?' I failed to hold back a giggle, nodding. She calmly turned to Alice. "Yes, Alice, I know. I already did."

"Oh. Good." Alice seemed to relax a little. Then her eyes widened in alarm. "So, where is it?"

"The cake? I left it in the kitchen," Rose explained, sitting down next to me. "So, Bella, are you ready for-"

She was cut off as Alice let out a shriek, "You left the cake unguarded, with Emmett in the house?"

"Oh, God..." I chuckled to myself, burying my face in my hands. If Alice kept going like this, she was bound to end up with an ulcer. Shouldn't _I_ be the one freaking out today, seeing how it was my... well, my big day and all? I sneaked a peek at Alice, whose face was becoming more red by the second.

Looking somewhat nervous now, Rose held up her hands, in a fruitless attempt to calm Alice. "It's okay, Emmett's upstairs with the guys. There's no reason for him to come down here now."

"But it's _Emmett_!" Alice all but shouted, exasperated. "He can smell baked goods a mile away!"

"Alice, Emmett's not gonna eat the cake," I tried to assure her, unable to hide my amusement. "I promise you, he knows better than that. In fact, I-" I stopped abruptly when my phone buzzed again, and I instantly pressed my lips together, pretending in vain that I hadn't heard anything, because I was pretty certain that would be Emmett, sending me another ridiculous text message.

Apparently, Alice's mind had taken the same direction as her eyes narrowed and she gave me a expectant look. "You were saying...?" When I just smiled and shrugged, she threw her hands up in the air, muttered something I couldn't make out, and rushed back into the house.

Rose and I were left looking at each other, and it only took a moment before we both burst out laughing. "My God," Rose gasped between giggles, "She's already losing it, and the party hasn't even started yet."

"Don't call it that," I protested, instantly sobering up. "You'll probably jinx us all."

She let out a snort. "What would you prefer to call it, then? A social event? A gathering?" I just huffed, and she patted my knee. "Don't worry, Bella. Nothing's gonna go wrong today. I'll make sure of it." I gave her a grateful smile, and she got up with a sigh. "Think I'd better go check on our boys. Then I'll see if Esme needs any help in the kitchen. See you inside?"

"Absolutely." I nodded. "Just give me a few minutes."

**Edward**

"I'll fucking kill him," I muttered between gritted teeth as I strode through the hallway, just barely managing not to bump into Alice who stepped out of her old room, smiling as she saw me. I ignored her and went on, "I promise, love, I'm fine. Emmett was just messing with you. I had _one_ beer last night, and I was back here at the house before midnight. My battery died, or I would've called you when I got home."

"I believe you, baby," Bella sighed into the phone, a hint of amusement in her voice. "Look, I'll be over in about half an hour, but I'm pretty sure Alice will steal me away the moment I step through the door, so I'm afraid I don't get to see you until later. I missed you so much last night. I love you."

I couldn't keep the grin from spreading on my face - I would never get tired of hearing those words. "I love you, too. More than anything." Now Alice's smile grew impossibly wide, and I almost feared it would split her face in two. Shaking my head as she practically skipped past me, heading for the bathroom, I slipped into my room and closed the door firmly behind me.

Bella and I spoke for a few more minutes before we had to hang up. I missed her like crazy, having not seen her since yesterday morning. It was the longest we had been separated in a long time, seeing how we had been living together since our first year of college, over two years ago. Neither of us wanted to live at the dorms, so with a little help from Esme, Bella and I had found a small but decent apartment not far from school.

Now it felt weird in a way, all of us being back at the house, not that things had changed much around here. Even though Alice, Emmett and I had all long since moved out, Carlisle and Esme insisted on keeping our rooms the way they were, wanting the three of us to have a familiar place to stay whenever we came home to visit.

Suddenly the door was flung open, disrupting the quiet, and Emmett barged into the room, looking as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning. He rubbed his hands together, exclaiming with a grin, "Last night was a fucking blast! Or what do you say?"

I gave him a cold look, folding my arms across my chest. "I just got off the phone with Bella."

"Oh." His smile faded. "Look, I can explain-"

"Then explain to me," I cut him off, "why she got a mysterious voice message in the middle of the night, saying I got piss drunk, stole a police cruiser and went to fucking Vegas?"

Emmett let out a nervous chuckle. "It was a joke! Ever seen The Hangover? Brilliant movie." Seeing that I wasn't amused, he sighed in defeat. "All right, it seemed like a good idea at the time. In my defense, I'd had a bit too much to drink, and I was slightly bummed out because no one wanted to go find a strip club with me. Hell, there's no shame in just looking!"

When I just looked at him incredulously, he cleared his throat. "Besides, I came clean as soon as Bella called me back in hysterics. Trust me, a few years from now, she'll be laughing at this." He paused. "You know, if you _had_ woken up this morning on a rooftop in Vegas, Bella would've found a way to blame the whole thing on me, anyway. She'd let you get away with anything."

I snorted. "Whatever. Did you want something?"

"Oh, no, I just thought we could hang out for a while." He threw himself down on my bed. "I mean, it's not like you've got anything special planned for today, right?" He winked, and I rolled my eyes at him. "Hey!" Suddenly he sat up straight, as if something had just occurred to him. "I'll tell you what. Just to make it up to Bella for my little joke last night, I'll send her another text, wishing her a happy birthday."

"Another?" I shook my head as he eagerly pulled out his phone, deciding I didn't want to know. Emmett knew that Bella didn't like to be reminded of her birthday, so that's why he would do just that, simply to pester her. Of course, she wouldn't be offended for real. The two of them just loved to torment each other in any way they could.

There was a brief knock on the door, and the next moment, Alice flew into the room, Jasper in tow. "Oh, good, Em, you're already here. Bella will be here soon," she went on informing us breathlessly. "Edward, you can't see her until you're both ready, so you'll have to stay in here for at least two hours. After I've helped Bella getting dressed, I'll come back here to start on you."

"I'm perfectly capable of dressing myself, thank you very much," I grumbled, much to Jasper and Emmett's amusement. "Alice, seriously, you need to take a fucking pill or something. Do you see me freaking out about all this?"

"No." She stopped, watching me with a frown on her face. "Why aren't you freaking out? Edward, today is your-"

"I know!" I couldn't help but chuckle at her genuinely confused expression. "I'm not freaking out because I'm fucking happy, Alice. Could you please just relax a little? I swear, you're worse than Esme."

"I thought I heard my name." Esme chose that moment to enter the room, a cheerful note in her voice and a soft smile playing on her lips. Then her eyes landed on me, and as if someone had just pulled a switch, she immediately clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes as she tearfully pulled me into her arms, hugging me tightly.

"Okay, there's no way I'm worse than that," Alice giggled, causing Esme to release me with an embarrassed laugh. She patted her arm. "Come on, Mom, let's get out of here, we've got work to do. Oh, and you might want to wait until the last minute before putting on your make-up, or you'll just ruin it with all of your crying fits." The two of them left the room.

Yes, today was Bella's birthday. My beautiful Bella, who I now was certain I had loved ever since the first time she literally stumbled into my life, that fateful day years ago, back at Forks High. Of course, it had taken me quite a while to see it. I cringed as I thought back to our very first meeting.

_"Watch where you're going, bitch." ___

_"W-what?"___

_"Just get the fuck out of my way."_

As far as I was concerned, it was a miracle she hadn't just punched me in the face and never spoken to me again. Bella had later confessed that she had initially referred to me in her head as 'Green Eyed Jerk'. Somehow, our first brief encounter - disastrous as it may have been - had affected my girl just as deeply as it had affected me. Hell, she had owned my heart ever since, I just didn't know it at the time.

Alice once said she had known from the beginning that we were meant to end up together. I didn't object - I sure as hell wouldn't bet against Alice.

And now, starting from today, Bella and I would always belong to each other in every sense of the word, including legally.

Because today wasn't _just_ my Bella's birthday. Today would also be the day I was going to marry her.

**Bella**

It had seemed like such a clever idea at the time, getting married on my birthday. Not only had it sounded incredibly romantic, but I had secretly hoped that with everyone being busy with the wedding preparations, there really wouldn't be any time left to celebrate. Needless to say, they all saw straight through me and would - Emmett in particular - tease me about it mercilessly.

Of course, I didn't really mind the teasing. Today was the day I would finally become Mrs. Edward Cullen, and absolutely nothing could put a damper on my mood. Well, except maybe the fact that Alice insisted on keeping me and Edward separated until it was time to go, which - not surprisingly - turned out to be pure torture.

Last night had been fun, although I knew Alice was a bit disappointed for not being allowed to throw me a - in her opinion - proper bachelorette party. Seeing how the mere thought made me squirm, I had firmly put my foot down, insisting on just a quiet girls night with ice-cream and movies. Alice had reluctantly agreed, after much persuasion from both Rose and Esme.

Emmett on the other hand had shamelessly begged, whined and pleaded for weeks, until Edward finally couldn't take it anymore and caved in, agreeing to a guys night out in Port Angeles. Of course, both Carlisle and Charlie would come along as well, which unfortunately slipped my mind when Emmett decided to be funny and wake me up in the middle of the night with his stupid prank phone call.

When I got back inside, I ran into Carlisle, who was looking around the room in fascination. He smiled when he spotted me. "Looks like Alice brought an entire flower shop into our living room."

"No kidding?" I laughed, shaking my head. "And to think that both Edward and I begged her not to go over the top."

Carlisle chuckled. "Alice means well. She just lives for these things. I think it's been killing her that you and Edward aren't going for the traditional wedding."

I nodded, thinking he was probably right. Edward and I had been very specific about what we wanted for this day. A simple ceremony would be held outside. Then we would come back here for dinner and - of course - wedding cake. We planned to stay and socialize with our families for an hour or so, and then Edward and I would leave to spend our first night as a married couple at a fancy hotel in Seattle.

After some discussion, we had decided to get married on the beach down at La Push. At first we talked about having the ceremony at the meadow, which was the place where Edward had first proposed to me, but we had soon reconsidered. The meadow was our special place, and we liked the idea of keeping it all to ourselves. Besides, I had to admit the thought of walking a mile through the forest in a white dress and heels didn't really appeal to me.

"So..." Carlisle cleared his throat, causing me to snap out of my thoughts. "It's your wedding day. Are you nervous?"

"No." I shook my head without hesitation. "I'm just happy. I can't wait to get married to Edward. That's all I want, for us to be together forever."

Carlisle nodded in understanding, reaching out to take my hand. "I can assure you, Bella, that's all Edward wants as well." He paused. "I remember when I first became aware of your feelings for my son. He was in a very dark place back then. Your revelation concerned me, and I warned you that he might never be able to give you what you wanted."

I swallowed, tears welling up in my eyes. "Yeah, I remember. You asked me to come into your office, and I was so afraid you would tell me I couldn't see Edward anymore, that you didn't think I was good enough for him. But then..." I inhaled shakily. "You thanked me. And you said..." My voice cracked.

"I said you were an extraordinary girl, and that I believed you would be good for him," Carlisle finished for me, smiling softly and squeezing my hand. "Now I know I was right." I smiled at him through my tears.

Who would have thought back then that Edward and I would ever get to the point where we were today? We were happy, in love, and about to get married. Of course, things hadn't always been easy. It had been a bumpy road, with lots of set-backs along the way.

To be honest, there were still days when we were struggling. Edward still suffered from nightmares from time to time, not often these days, but it happened. And my heart broke every time I held him in my arms afterwards, doing my best to soothe him and wishing in vain that I could just take away the painful memories that kept haunting him, even after all this time.

Healing was a long and slow process. But our love was strong, and real. We would be okay.

When Alice came bouncing into the room a couple of minutes later, her entire body practically vibrating as she announced it was time to get ready, any hint of melancholy I had felt a moment ago quickly got replaced by pure joy. I grinned widely. "Come on, Alice, I'm all yours. Make me look stunning!"

**Edward**

Emmett, Jasper and I were all lined up in the middle of the room, waiting impatiently for Rosalie to finish her inspection. Finally she took a step back and nodded in approval. "You all look very handsome. I bet even Alice won't have any complaints - Emmett, stop pulling on your tie, or it'll get wrinkled!"

"But it's so tight," he whined. "I feel like I can't breathe." She rolled her eyes.

Ignoring their banter, Jasper turned to me with a grin. "I heard you managed to talk Alice out of renting a limo."

I let out a snort, knowing Bella would rather have taken her old truck, driving down to the beach herself. "Alice can have her fucking limo - when she's the one getting married."

He chuckled, although it came out a bit strained, and I found myself wondering if he was actually thinking of popping the question soon. If he was, I doubted anyone would be surprised, seeing how he and Alice had practically acted like an old married couple since the day they first got together. To be honest, I was shocked Bella and I had beaten them to it.

A part of me still had a hard time to grasp the fact that all this was real. I would still doubt myself sometimes, whenever I was having one of my bad days, but Bella remained by my side through it all, just like she had promised, and our love just seemed to grow stronger every day.

I still went to see Angela about once a month, which I had to admit helped a lot, because memories of my past would still haunt me every once in a while, and there were times when even Bella's presence couldn't keep the nightmares away. But it was bearable, as long as she would be there when I woke up. And she always was.

A lot had happened over the last three years, but overall, things had been good. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do after I had finished college, but I had decided not to fret about it - I still had time to figure it out. It was not like I didn't have any options, after all, I was mostly okay with being around other people these days, although I still avoided crowded places if I could.

After giving it a lot of thought, I had finally told Carlisle not to look for any further information regarding my biological father. I had to admit there was a time when I had been a little curious, wondering if I might have some blood relatives out there after all, but then I decided it didn't matter. I already had the best family I could ask for, the only family I wanted.

I no longer felt like I was fucked up beyond repair, and more often than not, I found myself getting up in the morning with a smile on my face, eager to see what the new day would bring. I couldn't forget my past, but I had learned to accept it, to live with it. Thanks to my family, and - of course - my Bella, who after today would also be my wife.

Suddenly I knew I just had to see her, right now. Before anyone got the chance to object, I was already out in the hallway, knocking frantically on Alice's door. Not bothering to wait for a response, I barged into the room. Bella and Alice both jumped in surprise, Alice letting out a cry of protest as she saw me, but I ignored her completely, only having eyes for my girl.

She was so fucking beautiful.

"Edward?" Bella's eyes were full of concern, and she instantly took a step towards me. "Is something wrong?"

I shook my head as I quickly walked up to her, taking both her hands in mine. "Alice," I gave my sister a pleading look, "Give us five minutes. Please?" I fully expected her to start arguing, but I wasn't going to back down.

To my utter surprise, Alice's face softened immediately, and she nodded. "Sure. We were done, anyway. See you downstairs." With that, she turned and headed for the door.

And Bella and I were alone.

She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, I kissed her. If I had taken her by surprise, she quickly recovered, her fingers finding their way to my hair. A soft moan escaped her. First when the lack of air started to become an issue, I reluctantly pulled back, looking her right in the eyes. "Sorry, love. I just needed that."

"Don't apologize." Bella slipped her arms around my waist, resting her cheek against my chest. "Really, I'm so glad you're here. I was just about to make a run for it and come find you. Seriously, I don't want to spend another second apart from you. From now on, I want you with me always."

I buried my face in her hair, chuckling. "I might just hold you to that." Her only response was to squeeze me tighter, letting out a content sigh. "Bella?" She tilted her head slightly back, giving me a questioning look. I smiled crookedly. "Marry me?"

She giggled. "I will. In less than an hour. Then I'm yours forever."

"Forever and forever and forever," I agreed with a firm nod. "Come on, love. Time to go." Bella beamed at me when I took her hand, leading her towards the door, and our future.

**The End**

**OoOoO**

**End notes****: Like I've already mentioned, I plan to write a series of outtakes, which I'm going to post as a separate story. If you wanna make sure not to miss it, just put me on author alert. You can also check the Loner thread at the forum over at Twi for more information, or follow me on Twitter, where I go by the name NillaSwan. Aside from the outtakes, I'm also playing with the thought of writing another story which would take place before our Lonerward meets Bella, starting with how he first came to stay with the Cullens. It would just be about 5 chapters, and it would be written from different POV:s. I'm not really sure if people would be interested, though, since there won't be any B/E interaction, so I would really appreciate to hear if this is something you would like to read about. Please let me know! :)**


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